•vv. 

48 


*&G 

&SP 


THE  LIBRARY 

OF 

THE  UNIVERSITY 
OF  CALIFORNIA 


BEQUEST  OF 

Alice  R.  Hilgard 


THE  REMARKABLE  HISTORY 


OF 


SIR  THOMAS  UPMORE,  BART.,  M.P. 


FORMERLY  KNOWN  AS 


TOMMY  UPMORE" 


BY 

K.  D.  BLACKMOKE 

AUTHOR  OF  "LORNA  DOONE,"  "CRIPPS,  THE  CARRIER,"  ETC. 


Non  usitalti,  non  tcnui  ferar 
fennd 


NEW   YORK 
HARPER    &    BROTHERS,   FRANKLIN    SQUARE 

1884 


R.  D.  BLACKMORE'S  NOVELS. 


ALICE  LORRAINE.    Svo,  Paper,  50  cents. 

CHRISTOWELL.    4to,  Paper,  20  cents. 

CLARA  VAUGIIAN.    4to,  Paper,  15  cents. 

CRADOCK  NOWELL.    Svo,  Paper,  60  cents. 

CRIPPS,  THE  CARRIER.    Illustrated.    Svo,  Paper,  50  cents. 

EREMA ;  OB,  MY  FATIIEB'S  SIN.    Svo,  Paper,  50  cents. 

LORNA  DOONE.    Svo,  Paper,  25  cents;  12mo, Cloth,  $1  00. 

MARY  ANERLEY.    4to,  Paper,  15  cents;  IGmo,  Cloth,  $1  00. 

| 

THE  MAID  OP  SKER.    Svo,  Paper,  50  cent?, 

SIR  THOMAS  UPMORE.    16rao,  Paper,  35  cents ;  Cloth,  50  cents ;  4to, 
Paper,  20  cents. 


PUBLISHRT>  BY  HARPER  &  BROTHERS,  NKW  YOKK. 

HABPEB  &  BBOTIIKRB  will  send  any  of  the  above  works  by  mail  to  any 
•part  of  the  United  States  on  receipt  of  the  price. 


GIFT 


PREFACE. 


WHEN  Sir  Thomas  Upmore  came,  and  asked  me  to  write  a  short 
account  of  his  strange  adventures,  I  declined  that  honor;  partly  be- 
cause I  had  never  seen  any  of  his  memorable  exploits.  Perhaps 
that  matters  little,  while  his  history  so  flourishes,  because  of  being 
more  creditable,  as  well  as  far  more  credible,  than  that  of  England 
for  the  last  few  years. 

Still,  in  such  a  case,  the  man  who  did  the  thing  is  the  one  to  tell 
it.  And  his  veracity  has  now  become  a  proverb. 

My  refusal  seemed  to  pain  Sir  Thomas,  because  he  is  so  bashful ; 
and  no  one  can  see  him  pained  without  grieving  for  his  own  sake 
also,  and  trying  to  feel  himself  in  the  wrong. 

This  compelled  me  to  find  other  arguments;  which  I  did  as  fol- 
lows: 

"First,  my  dear  sir,  in  political  matters,  my  humble  views  are  not 
strong  and  trenchant— as  yours  are  become  by  experience — but  ex- 
ceedingly large  and  lenient ;  because  I  have  never  had  anything  at 
all  to  do  with  politics. 

"  Again,  of  science — the  popular  name  for  almost  any  speculation 
bold  enough — I  am  in  ignorance  equally  blissful,  if  it  were  not 
thrilled  with  fear.  "What  power  shall  resist  the  wild  valor  of  the 
man  who  proves  that  his  mind  is  a  tadpole's  spawn,  and  then  claims 
for  that  mind  supreme  dominion  and  inborn  omniscience?  Before 
his  acephalous  rush,  down  go  piled  wisdom  of  ages  and  pinnacled 
faith,  cloud-capped  heights  of  immortal  hope,  and  even  the  mansions 
everlasting,  kept  for  those  who  live  for  them." 

"All  those  he  may  upset,"  replied  Sir  Thomas,  with  that  sweet 
and  buoyant  smile  which  has  saved  even  his  supernatural  powers 
from  the  grudge  of  those  less  capable;  "or,  at  least,  he  may  fancy 
that  he  has  done  it.  But  to  come  to  facts — can  he  upset,  or  even 


$861156 


iv  PREFACE. 

make  head  or  tail,  of  such  a  little  affair  as  I  am?  Not  one  of  his 
countless  theories  about  me  has  a  grain  of  truth  in  it,  though  he 
sees  me,  and  feels  me,  and  pokes  me  in  the  side,  and  listens,  as  if  I 
were  a  watch  run  down,  to  know  whether  I  am  going.  I  assure 
you  that,  to  those  who  are  not  frightened  by  his  audacity  and  fame, 
his  'links  of  irrefragable  proof  are  but  a  baby's  dandelion-chain. 
In  chemistry  alone,  and  engineering,  has  science  made  much  true 
advance.  The  main  of  the  residue  is  arrogance." 

"In  that  branch  of  science  we  are  all  professors,"  I  answered,  to 
disarm  his  wrath;  knowing  that,  in  these  riper  years,  honest  indig- 
nation wrought  upon  his  system  as  youthful  exultation  once  had 
done — and  I  could  not  afford  to  have  a  hole  made  in  my  ceiling. 
"  However,  Sir  Thomas,  I  shall  stick  to  my  resolve.  Though  your 
life — when  its  largeness  is  seen  aright — will  be  an  honor  to  the  his- 
tory of  our  race,  justice  comes  before  honor;  and  only  you  can  do 
justice  to  it." 

Humility,  which  competes  with  truth  for  the  foremost  place  in 
his  character,  compelled  him  to  shake  his  head  at  this;  and  he  be- 
gan again,  rather  sadly : 

"My  purpose  is  a  larger  one  than  merely  to  talk  my  own  doings. 
I  want  to  put  common-sense  into  plain  English,  and  to  show — as 
our  medical  men  show  daily — that  the  body  is  beyond  the  compre- 
hension of  the  mind.  The  mind  commands  the  body  to  lie  down, 
and  be  poked  at,  and  probed,  and  pried  into  with  fifty  subtile  in- 
struments, or  even  to  be  cut  up,  and  analyzed  alive;  and  then,  what 
more  has  it  ascertained?  If  the  mind  can  learn  nothing  of  the  body 
it  lives  in,  grows,  rejoices,  and  suffers  with,  how  can  it  know  all 
about  it,  for  millions  of  years  before  either  existed?  How  can  it 
trace  their  joint  lineage  up  to  a  thing  that  had  neither  a  head  nor 
a  body? 

"Go  to;  what  I  offer  is  not  argument,  but  fact;  and  I  care  not 
the  head  of  their  ancestor  for  them.  But  if  I  write  it,  will  you  re- 
move whatever  may  offend  a  candid  mind?" 

"If  you  offend  that  mind  alone,"  said  I,  being  fresh  from  a  sharp 
review  of  something  I  had  written,  "you  will  give  small  offence  in- 
deed, and  to  edit  you  will  be  a  sinecure. " 

B.  D.  BLACKMORE. 


CONTENTS. 


CHAPTE* 

I.  SIGNS  OP  EMINENCE. 1 

II.  ITUR  AD  ASTRA 6 

III.  THE  DAWN  OK  SCIENCE 9 

IV.  THE  PURSUIT  OF  SCIENCE 15 

V.  "GRIP" 25 

VI.  TRUE  SCIENCE 31 

VII.  THE  GREAT  WASHED 38 

VIII.  For.  CHANGE  OF  AIR 44 

IX.  THALATTA  ! 50 

X.  THE  NEW  ADMIRAL » 56 

XL  LARGE  IDEAS 61 

XII.   TWENTIFOLD   TOWERS 68 

XIII.  WHALEBONES 75 

XIV.  A  SILLY  PAIR. 84 

XV.  POLITICAL  (ECONOMY 90 

XVI.  No  EXTRAS 95 

XVII.  SELF-DEFENCE. 102 

XVIII.  AH  ME  ! 109 

XIX.  COMFORT 114 

XX.  BOIL  NO  MORE. 120 

XXI.  THE  SEAT  OF  LEARNING 125 

XXII.  HEREDITARY  LAWS. 131 

XXIII.  A  COUNTY  MEETING 136 

XXIV.  OLD  BONES  AND  YOUNG  ONES 142 

XXV.  ON  THE  ROCKS. 1 17 

XXVI.  BENEATH  THEM 1 .".:) 

XX  VII.  PLEASANT  AND  UNPLEASANT  THINGS 160 

XX VIII.  THE  WKI.FARF.  OF  THE  FAMILY...  .   165 


vi  CONTENTS. 

CHAPTER 

XXIX.  BECAUSE  HE  HAD  NO  PITT 170 

XXX.  PERFIDY 174 

XXXI.  FREE  TRADE 180 

XXXII.  A  PAIR  OF  BLUE  EYES .  188 

XXXIII.  STRONG  INTENTIONS 195 

XXXIV.  FAMES  FAX* 201 

XXXV.  NATIONAL  EMERGENCY. 208 

XXXVI.  VOTE  FOR  TOMMY  ! 214 

XXXVII,  SUNNY  BAY 218 

XXXVIII.  PREPARE 222 

XXXIX.  FOR  PUBLIC  AND  PRIVATE  BENEFIT 226 

XL.  FAIR  COUNSEL 229 

XLI.  THE  RIGHT  WAY  TO  SURRENDER 234 

XLII.  SPARS 240 

XLIII.  THE  BATTLE  AND  THE  BREEZE 244 

XLIV.  THE  ENGLISH  LION 252 


TOMMY  UPMORE. 


CHAPTER  I. 

SIGNS  OF  EMINENCE. 

IF  I  know  anything  of  mankind,  one  of  them  needs  but  speak  the 
truth  to  secure  the  attention  of  the  rest,  amazed  as  they  are  at  his 
doing  a  thing  far  beyond  their  own  power  and  experience.  And  I 
would  not  have  troubled  any  one's  attention  if  I  could  only  have 
been  let  alone,  and  not  ferreted  as  a  phenomenon. 

AVhen  the  facts  which  I  shall  now  relate  were  fresh  and  vivid  in 
the  public  mind,  it  might  have  been  worth  twenty  guineas  to  me  to 
set  them  in  order  and  publish  them.  Such  curiosity,  then,  was  felt, 
and  so  much  of  the  purest  science  talked  about  my  "abnormal  or- 
ganism," that  nine,  or,  indeed,  I  may  say  ten,  of  the  leading  British 
publishers  went  so  far  as  to  offer  me  £20,*  with  a  chance  of  five  dol- 
lars from  America,  if  I  would  only  write  my  history! 

But  when  a  man  is  in  full  swing  of  his  doings  and  his  sufferings, 
how  can  he  stop  to  set  them  down,  for  the  pleasure  of  other  people? 
And  even  now,  when,  if  I  only  tried,  I  could  do  almost  as  much  as 
ever,  it  is  not  with  my  own  consent  that  you  get  this  narrative  out 
of  me.  How  that  comes  to  pass  you  shall  see  hereafter. 

Every  one  who  knows  me  will  believe  that  I  have  no  desire  to 
enlarge  a  fame  which  already  is  too  much  for  me.  My  desire  is 
rather  to  slip  away  from  the  hooks  and  crooks  of  inquirers,  by  leav- 
ing them  nothing  to  lay  hold  of,  not  even  a  fibre  to  retain  a  barb; 
myself  remaining  like  an  open  jelly,  clear,  and  fitter  for  a  spoon  than 
fork — as  there  is  said  to  be  a  fish  in  Oriental  waters  which,  being 
hooked,  turns  inside  out,  and  saves  both  sides  by  candor. 

One  reason  why  I  now  must  tell  the  simple  truth,  and  be  done 
with  it,  is  that  big  rogues  have  begun  to  pile  a  pack  of  lies  about 

*  Sir  Thomas  cannot  be  accepted  here  without  a  good-sized  grain  of  salt, 
citing  as  his  adventures  are,  nud  sanguine  a#  his  nature  is,  what  can  he  be  think- 
ing of,  in  the  present  distn^s  of  ptiblii-lu'rs.  s-trict  economy  of  libraries',  and  bank- 
ruptcy of  the  United  Si;i; 

1 


2  TOMMY  VFMORE. 

me,  for  the  sake  of  money.  They  are  swearing  one  another  down, 
and  themselves  up,  for  nothing  else  than  to  turn  a  few  pounds  out 
of  me ;  while  never  a  one  of  them  knows  as  much  as  would  lie  on  a 
sixpence  about  me.  Such  is  the  crop  of  crop-eared  fame ! 

Now,  if  there  is  any  man  so  eminent  as  to  be  made  money  of, 
surety  he  ought  to  be  allowed  to  hold  his  own  pocket  open.  Other- 
wise, how  is  he  the  wiser  for  all  the  wonder  concerning  him?  And 
yet  those  fellows,  I  do  assure  you,  were  anxious  to  elevate  me  so  high 
that  every  sixpence  pitched  at  me  should  jump  down  into  their  own 
hats.  This  is  not  to  my  liking,  and  I  will  do  my  utmost  to  prevent 
it.  And  when  you  know  my  peculiar  case  you  will  say  that  I  have 
cause  for  caution. 

So  fleeting  is  popularity,  such  a  gossamer  the  clew  of  history,  that 
within  a  few  years  of  the  time  when  I  filled  a  very  large  portion  of 
the  public  eye,  and  was  kept  in  great  type  at  every  journal  office,  it 
may  even  be  needful  for  me  to  remind  a  world  yet  more  volatile 
than  myself  of  the  thrilling  sensation  I  used  to  create,  and  the  great 
amazement  of  mankind.  These  were  more  natural  than  wise;  for  I 
never  was  a  wonder  to  myself,  and  can  only  hope  that  a  truthful  ac- 
count of  my  trouble  will  commend  me  to  all  who  have  time  enough 
to  think,  as  a  mortal  selected  by  nature  for  an  extremely  cruel  ex- 
periment, and  a  lesson  to  those  who  cannot  enjoy  her  works  without 
poking  sticks  at  them. 

My  father  was  the  well-known  Bucephalus  Upmore — called  by  his 
best  friends  "Bubbly  Upmore" — owner  of  those  fine  soap-boiling 
works  which  used  to  be  the  glory  of  old  Maiden  Lane,  St.  Pancras. 
He  was  one  of  the  best-hearted  men  that  ever  breathed,  when  things 
went  according  to  his  mind;  blessed  with  every  social  charm,  genial 
wit,  and  the  surprising  products  of  a  brisk  and  poetical  memory. 
His  figure  was  that  of  the  broadest  Briton,  his  weight  eighteen  stone 
and  a  half,  his  politics  and  manners  Constitutional  all  over.  At 
every  step  he  crushed  a  flint  or  split  a  contractor's  paving-stone,  and 
an  asphalt  walk  was  a  quagmire  to  him. 

My  mother  also  was  of  solid  substance,  and  very  deep  bodily 
thickness.  She  refused  to  be  weighed,  when  philosophers  proposed 
it;  not  only  because  of  the  bad  luck  that  follows,  but  also  because 
she  was  neither  a  bull,  nor  a  pen  of  fat  pigs,  nor  a  ribboned  turkey. 
But  her  husband  vouched  her  to  be  sixteen  stone;  and  if  she  had  felt 
herself  to  be  much  less  why  should  she  have  scorned  to  step  into  the 
scales,  when  she  understood  all  the  rights  of  women? 

These  particulars  I  set  down  simply  as  a  matter  of  self-defence, 
because  men  of  science,  who  have  never  seen  me,  take  my  case  to 
support  their  doctrine  of  "  Hereditary  Meiocatobarysm,"  as  they  are 


TOMMY  UPMORE.  3 

pleased  to  call  it,  presuming  ray  father  to  have  been  a  man  of  small 
specific  gravity,  and  my  mother  a  woman  of  levity.  They  are  thor- 
oughly welcome  to  the  fact,  out  of  which  they  have  made  so  much, 
that  the  name  of  my  mother's  first  husband  was  Lightbody — Thomas 
Lightbody,  of  Long  Acre,  a  man  who  made  springs  for  coaches. 
But  he  had  been  in  St.  Pancras  churchyard  seven  good  years  before 
1  \vas  born;  and  he  never  was  mentioned,  except  as  a  saint,  when  my 
father  did  anything  unsaintly. 

But  a  truce  to  philosophy,  none  of  which  has  ever  yet  bettered 
my  condition.  Let  every  tub  stand,  or,  if  stand  it  cannot,  let  every 
tub  fly,  on  its  own  bottom.  Better  it  is  to  have  no  attempt  at  ex- 
planation of  my  case  than  a  hundred  that  stultify  one  another.  And 
a  truly  remarkable  man  has  no  desire  to  be  explained  away. 

Like  many  other  people  who  have  contrived  to  surprise  the  world 
before  they  stopped.  I  did  not  begin  too  early.  As  a  child,  I  did 
what  the  other  children  did,  and  made  no  attempt  to  be  a  man  too 
soon.  Having  plenty  of  time  on  my  hands,  I  enjoyed  it  and  myself, 
without  much  thought.  My  mother  alone  perceived  that  nature  in- 
tended me  for  greatness,  because  I  was  the  only  child  she  had.  And 
when  I  began  to  be  a  boy,  I  took  as  kindly  as  any  boy  to  marbles, 
peg-top,  tip-cat,  toffy,  lollipops,  and  fireworks,  the  pelting  of  frogs, 
and  even  of  dogs,  unless  they  retaliated,  and  all  the  other  delights 
included  in  the  education  of  the  London  boy,  whose  only  remarka- 
ble exploit  is  to  escape  a  good  hiding  every  day  of  his  life. 

But,  as  a  straw  shows  the  way  of  the  wind,  a  trifle  or  two,  in  my 
very  early  years,  gave  token  of  future  eminence.  In  the  days  of  my 
youth  there  was  much  more  play  than  there  ever  has  been  since; 
and  we  little  youngsters  of  Maiden  Lane  used  to  make  fine  running 
at  the  game  of  "  I  spy,"  and  even  in  set  races.  At  these,  whenever 
there  was  no  wind,  I  was  about  on  a  par  with  the  rest  of  my  age,  or 
perhaps  a  little  fleeter.  But  whenever  a  strong  wind  blew,  if  only 
it  happened  to  be  behind  my  jacket,  Old  Nick  himself  might  run 
me  in  vain;  I  seemed  not  to  know  that  I  touched  the  ground, 
and  nothing  but  a  wall  could  stop  me.  Whereas,  if  the  wind  were 
in  front  of  my  waistcoat,  the  flattest-footed  girl,  even  Polly  Windsor, 
could  outstrip  me. 

Another  thing  that  happened  to  me  was  this,  and  very  unple: 
the  effects  were.  My  mother  had  a  brother,  who  became  my  Uncle 
William  by  coming  home  from  sea  when  everybody  else  believed 
him  drowned  and  done  for.  Perhaps  to  prove  himself  alive,  he 
made  a  tremendous  noise  in  our  house,  and  turned  everything  upside 
dou  v  l:::vin;:  a  handful  of  money,  and  being  in  urgent  need  to  spend 
it.  There  u.~ed  to  be  a  fine  smell  in  our  parlor,  of  lemons  and  sugar 


4  TOMMY  UPMORE. 

and  a  square  black  bottle;  and  Uncle  William  used  to  say,  "  Tommy, 
I  am  your  Uncle  Bill;  come  and  drink  my  health,  boy!  Perhaps 
you  will  never  see  me  any  more."  And  he  always  said  this  in  such 
a  melancholy  tone,  as  if  there  was  no  other  world  to  go  to,  and  none 
to  leave  behind  him. 

A  man  of  finer  nature  never  lived,  according  to  all  I  have  heard 
of  him.  Wherever  he  might  be,  he  regarded  all  the  place  as  if  it 
were  made  for  his  special  use  and  precisely  adapted  for  his  comfort, 
and  yet  as  if  something  was  always  coming  to  make  him  say  "  good- 
bye "  to  it.  He  had  an  extraordinary  faith  in  luck,  and  when  it 
turned  against  him  off  he  went. 

One  day,  while  he  was  with  us,  I  came  in  with  an  appetite  ready 
for  dinner,  and  a  tint  of  outer  air  upon  me,  from  a  wholesome  play 
on  the  cinder-heaps.  "Lord  bless  this  Tommy,"  cried  Uncle  Will- 
iam; "he  looks  as  if  he  ought  to  go  to  heaven!"  And  without  an- 
other word,  being  very  tall  and  strong,  he  caught  hold  of  me  under 
the  axle  of  my  arms,  to  give  me  a  little  toss  upward.  But  instead 
of  coming  down  again,  up  I  went,  far  beyond  the  swing  of  his  long 
arms.  My  head  must  have  gone  into  the  ceiling  of  the  passage, 
among  the  plaster  and  the  laths ;  and  there  I  stuck  fast  by  the  peak 
of  my  cap,  which  was  strapped  beneath  my  chin  with  Spanish  leather. 
To  see  or  to  cry  was  alike  beyond  my  power,  eyes  and  mouth  being 
choked  with  dust ;  and  the  report  of  those  who  came  running  below 
is  that  I  could  only  kick.  However,  before  I  was  wholly  done  for, 
somebody  fetched  the  cellar-steps,  and  with  very  great  difficulty 
pulled  me  down. 

Uncle  William  was  astonished  more  than  anybody  else,  for  every- 
body else  put  the  blame  upon  him;  but  he  was  quite  certain  that  it 
never  could  have  happened  without  some  fault  on  my  part.  And 
this  made  a  soreness  between  him  and  my  mother,  which  (in  spite  of 
his  paying  the  doctor's  bill  for  my  repairs,  as  he  called  it)  speedily 
launched  him  on  the  waves  again,  as  soon  as  his  money  was  got  rid  of. 

This  little  incident  confirmed  my  mother's  already  firm  conviction 
that  she  had  produced  a  remarkable  child.  "  The  Latin  Pantheon 
is  the  place  for  Tommy,"  she  said  to  my  father,  every  breakfast 
time;  "and  to  grudge  the  money,  Bucephalus,  is  like  flying  in  the 
face  of  Providence." 

"With  all  my  heart,"  father  always  answered,  "if  Providence 
will  pay  the  ten  guineas  a  quarter,  and  £2  15s.  for  extras." 

"  If  you  possessed  any  loftiness  of  mind,"  my  mother  used  to  say, 
while  she  made  the  toast,  "you  would  never  think  twice  of  so  low 
a  thing  as  money,  against  the  education  of  your  only  child ;  or,  at 
least,  you  would  get  them  to  take  it  out  in  soap." 


TOMMY   UPMORE.  5 

"  How  many  times  must  I  tell  you,  my  dear,  that  every  boy  brings 
his  own  quarter  of  a  pound?  As  for  their  monthly  wash,  John 
Windsor's  boy,  Jack,  is  there,  and  they  get  it  out  of  him." 

"  That  makes  it  so  much  the  more  disgraceful,"  my  mother  would 
answer,  with  tears  in  her  eyes,  "  that  Jack  Windsor  should  be  there, 
and  no  Tommy  Upmore!  We  are  all  well  aware  that  3Ir.  Windsor 
boils  six  vats  for  one  of  ours ;  and  sixty,  perhaps,  if  he  likes  to  say 
it.  But,  on  the  other  hand,  he  has  six  children  against  our  one;  and 
which  is  worth  the  most?" 

My  father  used  to  get  up  nearly  always,  when  it  came  to  this,  and 
take  his  last  cup  standing,  as  if  his  work  could  not  wait  for  him. 
However,  it  was  forced  into  his  mind,  more  and  more  every  morn- 
ing, that  my  learning  must  come  to  a  question  of  hard  cash,  which 
he  never  did  approve  of  parting  with.  And  the  more  he  had  to  think 
of  it  the  less  he  smiled  about  it.  At  last,  after  cold  meat  for  dinner 
three  days  running,  he  put  his  best  coat  on  and  walked  off  straight- 
way for  the  PartJieneion,  which  is  in  Ball's  Pond,  Islington.  He  did 
not  come  home  in  at  all  a  good  temper,  but  boiled  a  good  hour  after 
boiling  time,  and  would  not  let  any  one  know,  for  several  days,  what 
had  gone  amiss  with  him. 

For  my  part,  having,  as  behooves  a  boy,  no  wild  ambition  to  be 
educated,  and  hearing  from  Jack  Windsor  what  a  sad  case  he  was  in, 
I  played  in  the  roads  and  upon  the  cinder-hills,  and  danced  defiance 
at  the  classic  pile,  which  could  be  seen  afar  sometimes,  when  the 
smoke  was  blowing  the  other  way.  But  while  I  was  playing  sad 
work  went  on,  and  everything  was  settled  without  my  concurrence. 
Mrs.  Rumbelow  herself,  the  doctor's  wife,  lady  president  of  the  col- 
lege, although  in  a  deeply  interesting  state — as  dates  will  show  here- 
after— not  only  came  in  a  cab  to  visit  my  mother,  but  brought  with  her 
on  the  dicky,  as  if  he  were  nobody,  the  seventh  nephew  of  the  Lord 
.Mayor  of  London,  who  could  do  a  Greek  tree,  if  it  was  pencilled 
out. 

This  closed  all  discussion,  and  clinched  my  fate,  and  our  tailor 
was  ordered  to  come  next  morning.  My  father  had  striven  his  ut- 
most to  get  me  taken  as  a  day-boy,  or,  at  any  rate,  to  be  allowed  to 
keep  a  book  against  the  Muses.  But  Mrs.  Rumbelow  waved  he- 
hand,  and  enlarged  upon  liberal  associations  and  the  higher  walks 
of  literature  to  such  an  extent  that  my  father  could  not  put  a 
business  foot  in  anywhere.  And  before  I  was  sent  to  bed  that 
niLcht,  when  I  went  for  my  head  to  be  patted,  and  to  get  a  chuck 
below  the  chin,  he  used  words  which  hung  long  in  my  memory. 

"  Poor  Tommy,  thy  troubles  are  at  hand,"  he  said,  with  a  tender 
^ gaze  at  me  beneath  his  pipe.     ' '  They  can't  make  no  profit  from  the 


6  TOMMY  UPMORE. 

victualling  of  thy  mind ;  but  they  mean  to  have  it  out  of  thy  body, 
little  chap.  Tis  a  woe  as  goes  always  to  the  making  of  a  man. 
And  the  Lord  have  mercy  on  thee,  my  son  Tommy!" 


CHAPTER  II. 

I  T  U  R    AD    ASTRA. 

THE  grandest  result  of  education  is  the  revival  of  the  human  sys- 
tem which  ensues  when  it  is  over.  If  it  be  of  all  pangs  the  keenest 
to  remember  joy  in  woe,  and  of  all  pleasures  the  sweetest  to  observe 
another's  travail,  upon  either  principle,  accommodated  (as  all  prin- 
ciples are)  to  suit  the  purpose,  how  vast  the  delight  of  manhood  in 
reflecting  upon  its  boyhood ! 

Dr.  Rumbelow,  of  the  PartJieneion,  which  is  in  Trotter's  Lane, 
Ball's  Pond,  combined  high  gifts  of  nature  with  rich  ornaments  of 
learning.  In  virtue  of  all  this  he  strove  against  the  tendency  of  the 
age  towards  flippancy  and  self-indulgence,  the  absence  of  every 
high  principle,  and  the  presence  of  every  low  one.  Having  to  fill 
both  the  heads  and  the  stomachs  of  thirty-five  highly  respectable 
boys,  he  bestirred  himself  only  in  the  mental  part,  and  deputed  to 
others  the  bodily;  not  from  any  greed,  or  want  of  feeling,  but  a 
high-minded  hatred  of  business,  and  a  lofty  confidence  in  woman. 
So  well-grounded  was  this  faith,  that  Mrs.  Rumbelow  never  failed 
to  provide  us  with  fine  appetites. 

Here,  and  hence,  I  first  astonished  the  weak  minds  of  the  public, 
and  my  own  as  much  as  anybody's.  Although  we  had  several  boys 
of  birth,  the  boy  of  largest  brains  and  body  took  the  lead  of  all  of 
us.  And  this  was  Bill  Chumps,  now  Sir  William  Chumps,  the 
well-known  M.P.  for  St.  Marylebone.  His  father  was  what  was 
then  called  a  ''butcher,"  but  now,  a  purveyor  of  animal  provisions. 
He  supplied  under  contract  the  whole  PartJieneion;  and  his  meat 
was  so  good  that  we  always  wanted  more. 

Bill  Chumps,  being  very  quick  at  figures,  had  made  bright  hits 
about  holidays  impending,  by  noting  the  contents  of  the  paternal 
cart,  and  blowing  the  Sibylline  Leaves  of  the  meat-book,  handed  in 
by  the  foreman.  But  even  Chumps  was  not  prepared  for  a  thing 
that  happened  one  fine  Friday. 

We  had  been  at  work  all  the  afternoon,  or,  at  any  rate,  we  had 
been  in  school,  and  a  longing  for  something  more  solid  than  learn- 
ing began  to  rise  in  our  young  breasts. 

"  Oh,  shouldn't  I  like  a  good  pig's  fry!"  the  boy  next  to  me  was 
v/hispermg. 


TOMMY 

"Or  a  big  help  out  of  a  rump-steak  pie!"  said  the  fellow  beyond 
him,  with  his  slate-sponge  to  his  mouth. 

But  Chumps  said,  "  Bosh!  What's  the  good  of  pigs  and  pastry? 
Kidneys  and  mushrooms  is  my  ticket.  Tommy,  give  us  the  bene- 
fit of  your  opinion." 

Chumps  was  always  very  good  to  me,  although  I  was  under  his 
lowest  waistcoat-button.  For  my  father  was  a  very  good  customer 
of  that  eminent  butcher  his  father;  not  only  when  he  wanted  a 
choice  bit  of  meat,  but  also  as  taking  at  a  contract-price  all  bones 
that  could  not  be  sent  out  at  a  shilling  a  pound,  as  well  as  all  the  ref- 
use fat,  which  now  makes  the  best  fresh  butter. 

In  reply  to  that  important  question,  I  looked  up  at  Chumps  with 
a  mixture  of  hesitation  and  gratitude.  Being  a  sensitive  boy,  I 
found  it  so  Inrd  to  give  an  opinion  without  offence  to  elder  minds, 
yet  so  foolish  to  seem  to  have  no  opinion,  and  to  spoil  all  the  honor 
of  being  consulted.  A  sense  of  responsibility  made  me  pause  and 
ponder  concerning  the  best  of  all  the  many  good  things  there  are  to 
eat,  and  to  lay  "mechanically,"  as  novelists  express  it,  both  hands 
upon  a  certain  empty  portion  of  my  organization,  when  Dr.  Hum- 
below  arose ! 

We  did  not  expect  him  to  get  up  yet  for  nearly  three  quarters  of 
an  hour,  unless  any  boy  wanted  caning;  and  at  first  a  cold  tremor 
ran  through  our  inmost  bones,  because  we  respected  him  so  deep- 
ly. But  a  glance  at  his  countenance  reassured  us.  The  doctor 
stood  up,  with  his  college-cap  on,  a  fine  smile  lifting  his  gabled 
eyebrows  (as  the  evening  sun  lights  up  gray  thatch),  his  tall 
frame  thrown  back,  and  his  terrible  right  hand  peacefully  under 
his  waistcoat,  loosening  the  button  of  didactic  cincture.  He  spread 
forth  the  other  hand,  with  no  cane  in  it;  and  a  yawn — such  as  we 
should  have  had  a  smack  for  —  came  to  keep  company  with  his 
smile. 

"  Boys!"  he  shouted,  sternly  at  first,  from  the  force  of  habit  when 
we  made  a  noise;  "boys,  Lacedemonians,  Partheneionidie,  hearken 
to  the  words  which  I,  with  friendly  meaning,  speak  amonu:  you.  It 
has  been  ordained  by  the  powers  above,  holding  Olympian  man- 
sions, that  all  things  come  in  circling  turn  to  mortal  men  who  live 
on  corn.  Times  there  are  for  the  diligent  study  of  the  mighty 
minds  of  old,  such  as  we,  who  now  see  light  of  sun,  and  walk  the 
many-feeding  earth,  may  never  hope  to  equal.  But  again  there  an- 
•ns  when  the  dit'xft*ti  must  be  held,  and  the/mVp  Latince,  which 
a  former  pupil  of  mine  translated  la  holiday  from  Latin.'  Such  a 
season  now  is  with  us.  Once  more  it  has  pleased  the  good  Lueina 
to  visit  our  humble  tugurium,  and  we  are  strictly  called  upon  to 


8  TOMMY  UPMORE. 

observe  the  ineditrinalia.     Since  which  things  are  so,  it  behooves  me 
to  proclaim  to  all  of  you  / erics  tridui  imperative  " 

The  doctor's  speech  had  been  so  learned  that  few  of  us  were  able 
to  make  out  his  meaning.  But  Chumps  was  a  boy  of  vast  under- 
standing and  extraordinary  culture. 

"Three  days'  holiday.  Holloa,  boys,  holloa!"  cried  Chumps, 
with  his  cap  going  up  to  the  roof.  "Three  days'  holiday!  Rump- 
steak  for  breakfast,  and  lie  abed  up  to  nine  o'clock.  Hurrah, 
boys!  holloa  louder,  louder,  louder!  Again,  again,  again!  Why, 
you  don't  half  holloa!" 

To  the  ear  of  reason  it  would  have  been  brought  home  that  the 
boys  were  holloaing  quite  loud  enough;  and  of  that  opinion  was 
our  master,  who  laid  his  hands  under  his  silvery  locks,  while  the 
smile  of  good-will  to  us,  whom  he  loved  and  chastened,  came  down 
substantially  to  the  margin  of  his  shave.  But  behold,  to  him  thus 
beholding,  a  new  and  hitherto  unheard-of  prodigy,  wonderful  to  be 
told,  arose!  He  sought  for  his  spectacles,  and  put  them  on;  and 
then  for  his  cane,  and  laid  hold  of  it — because  he  beheld  going  up 
into  the  air,  and  likely  to  get  out  of  his  reach,  a  boy ! 

It  is  not  for  me  to  say  how  I  did  it.  Nobody  was  more  amazed 
than  I  was;  although,  after  all  that  had  happened  ere  now  to  me,  I 
might  have  been  prepared  for  it.  Much  as  I  try  to  remember  how 
it  happened,  all  I  can  say  is  that  I  really  know  not;  and  perhaps 
the  confusion  produced  by  going  round  so  (to  which  I  was  not  yet 
accustomed),  and  of  looking  downward  at  the  place  I  used  to  stand 
on,  helped  to  make  it  hard  for  me  to  think  what  I  was  up  to. 

With  no  consideration  as  to  what  I  was  about,  and  no  sense  of 
being  out  of  ordinary  ways,  I  found  myself  leaving  all  the  ground, 
and  its  places,  not  with  any  jump,  or  other  kind  of  rashness,  but 
gently,  equably,  and  in  good  balance,  rising  to  the  shoulders  of  the 
other  little  chaps,  and  then  over  the  heads  of  the  tallest  ones.  My 
sandals,  because  of  the  weather  being  warm,  were  tied  with  light- 
blue  ribbon,  according  to  the  wishes  of  my  mother;  and  these  made 
a  show  which  I  looked  down  at,  while  everybody  else  stared  up  at 
them. 

Chumps  was  a  very  tall  boy  for  his  age,  by  reason  of  all  the  mar- 
row-bones he  got;  and  the  same  thing  had  gifted  him  with  high 
courage.  So  that  while  all  the  other  boj^s  could  only  stare,  or  run 
away,  if  their  nerves  were  quick,  he  made  a  spring  with  both  hands 
at  my  feet,  to  fetch  me  back  to  the  earth  again;  and  at  the  same 
instant  he  said,  "Tommy!"  in  the  very  kindest  tone  of  voice,  en- 
treating me  to  come  down  to  him. 
I  do  not  exaggerate  in  saying  that  I  strove  with  all  my  power  to 


TOMMY  UPMORE.  0 

do  this;  and  with  his  kind  help  I  might  have  done  it,  if  the  string 
of  my  shoe  had  been  sewed  in.  But,  unhappily,  like  most 
tilings  now,  it  was  made  for  ornament  more  than  use;  and  so  it 
slipped  out  and  was  left  in  his  hand,  while,  much  against  my  will, 
I  rose  higher  and  higher.  At  the  same  time  I  found  myself  going 
round  and  round,  so  that  I  could  not  continue  to  observe  the  coun- 
tenance of  Dr.  Rumbelow,  gazing  sternly,  and  with  some  surprise, 
at  me.  But  I  saw  him  put  on  his  spectacles,  which  was  always  a 
bad  sign  for  us. 

"  Cupnofxite  is  the  true  reading  in  Strabo,  as  I  have  so  long  con- 
tended. Fetch  me  a  cane! — a  long,  long  cane!"  the  doctor  shouted, 
as  I  still  went  up.  ' '  This  is  the  spirit  of  the  rising  age !  I  have 
long  expected  something  of  this  kind.  I  will  quell  it,  if  I  have  to 
tie  three  canes  together.  Thomas  Upmore,  come  down,  that  I  may 
cane  you.  Not  upon  my  head,  boy,  or  how  can  I  do  it?" 

For  no  sooner  had  I  heard  what  was  likely  to  befall  me,  than  my 
heart  seemed  to  turn  into  a  lump  of  cold  lead.  At  once  my  airy 
revolutions  ceased,  my  hands  (which  had  been  hovering  like  butter- 
flies) stopped,  and  dropped,  like  beetles  that  have  struck  against  a 
post,  and  down  I  came  plump,  with  both  feet  upon  the  tassel  of  the 
trencher-cap  upon  the  doctor's  head. 

This  must  have  been  a  very  trying  moment,  both  for  his  patience 
and  my  courage,  and  it  is  not  fair  to  expect  me  to  remember  every- 
thing that  happened.  However,  I  feel  that,  if  I  had  been  caned, 
there  would  have  been  a  mark  upon  my  memory;  even  as  boys 
bear  the  limits  of  the  parish  in  their  minds,  through  their  physical 
geography.  Likely  enough  my  head  was  giddy  from  so  much 
revolving,  and  Chumps,  living  near  us,  marched  me  home,  with  a  big 
lexicon  strapped  on  my  back,  to  prevent  me  from  trying  to  fly 
again. 


CHAPTER  III. 

THE  DAWN  OF  SCIENCE. 

MOST  people,  and  more  especially  our  writers  of  fiction,  history, 
philosophy,  and  so  forth,  indulge  in  reflection  at  those  moments, 
when  they  are  soaring  above  our  heads;  but  I  have  always  found 
If  so  unlucky  in  this  matter,  as  in  many  others,  that  nothing 
would  ever  come  into  my  head  when  aloft,  to  be  any  good  when  I 
came  down.  Or,  at  least,  only  once,  as  will  be  shown  hereafter;  and 
that  was  the  exception,  which  proves  the  rule. 

Otherwise,  I  might  now  give  many  nice  and  precise  descriptions 


10  TOMMY  UPMORE. 

of  "variant  motions  and  emotions,  both  somatic  and  psychical " — as 
Professor  Brachipod  expressed  them — which  must,  according  to  his 
demonstration,  have  been  inside  me  at  my  first  flight.  Very  likely 
they  were;  and  even  if  they  were  not  it  would  never  pay  me  to  be 
positive — or  negative,  perhaps,  is  the  proper  word  now — because  ig- 
norant science  is  remunerative,  and  nothing  can  be  got  by  impugn- 
ing it. 

Yet  that  consideration,  I  assure  you,  has  nothing  to  do  with 
my  present  silence.  I  am  silent  simply  because  I  know  nothing; 
and  if  all  so  placed  would  try  my  plan  how  much  less  would  be 
said  and  written!  Nevertheless  all  biologists,  psychologists,  anthro- 
pologists, and  the  rest  of  our  race  who  make  it  their  study  (after 
proving  it  wholly  below  their  heed) — these  men,  if  they  deign  to 
be  called  such,  have  a  claim  upon  me  for  all  my  facts,  which  I  will 
not  grudge,  when  I  know  them. 

From  the  very  outset  they  felt  this;  and  my  father  and  mother, 
who  had  not  slept  well,  through  talking  so  much  of  my  above  ad- 
venture— recounted,  perhaps,  with  some  embellishment  by  Chumps 
—  hardly  had  got  through  their  breakfast  before  some  eminent 
"scientists"  were  at  them.  For  my  part,  having  made  a  hearty 
supper  (after  long  scarcity  of  butcher's  meat),  or  perhaps  from  hav- 
ing swallowed  so  much  air,  I  had  slept  long  and  soundly,  and  was 
turning  for  another  good  sleep,  when  I  heard  great  voices. 

"Madam,  allow  me  to  express  surprise,"  were  the  words  which 
came  up  to  me  through  the  ceiling,  at  the  place  where  my  head 
had  made  the  hole,  "extreme  surprise,  at  the  narrowness  of  your 
views.  Must  I  come  to  the  conclusion  that  you  refuse  to  forward 
the  interests  of  science?" 

"  Sir,"  replied  mother,  who  was  always  polite  when  she  failed  to 
make  out  what  people  meant,  ' '  science  is  what  I  don't  know  from 
the  moon.  But  I  do  know  what  my  Tommy  is." 

"My  dear  Mrs.  Upmore,"  was  the  answer,  in  a  soft,  sweet  voice, 
which  I  found  afterwards  to  be  that  of  Professor  Brachipod,  "in 
consulting  the  interests  of  science  we  shall  consult  those  of  the  be- 
loved Tommy.  His  existence  is  so  interwoven  with  a  newly  formed 
theory  of  science —  " 

"You  impudent  hop-o-my- thumb,  what  do  you  mean,"  broke  in  a 
deep  sound,  which  I  knew  to  be  my  father's,  "by  calling  my  wife 
your  dear,  indeed,  first  time  as  ever  you  set  eyes  on  her?  Out  you 
go,  and  no  mistake." 

Upon  this  ensued  a  heavy  tread,  and  a  little  unscientific  squeak, 
and  out  went  Professor  Brachipod,  as  lightly  as  if  on  the  wings  of 
his  theory. 


TOMMY    UVMniil-:.  11 

"Upmore,  this  violence  is  a  mistake,"  another  and  larger  voice 
broke  in,  as  my  father  came  back  quietly;  "the  professor's  views 
may  be  erroneous;  but  to  eliminate  him  because  of  somatic  in- 
feriority is  counter  to  the  tendency  of  the  age.  My  theory  differs 
from  his  toto  ccelo.  But  in  the  cause  of  pure  reason  I  protest  against 
unmanly  recourse  to  physics." 

"You  shall  have  the  same  physic,  if  you  don't  clear  out,"  said 
my  father,  as  peaceable  a  man  as  need  be  till  his  temper  was  put 
up;  "an  Englishman's  house  is  his  castle.  No  science  have  a  right 
to  come  spoiling  his  breakfast.  You  call  me  unmanly,  in  your  big 
words.  You  are  a  big  man,  and  now  I'll  tackle  you.  Out  goes  Pro- 
fessor Jargoon." 

There  was  some  little  scuffle  before  this  larger  professor  was 
"eliminated,"  because  he  was  a  strong  man,  and  did  not  like  to  go; 
but  without  much  labor  he  was  placed  outside. 

"Now,  if  either  of  you  two  chaps  comes  back,"  my  father  shouted 
from  his  threshold,  "  the  science  he  gets  will  be  my  fist.  And  lucky 
for  him  he  haven't  had  it  yet." 

Running  to  the  window  of  my  room  I  saw  the  professors,  arm- 
in  arm,  going  sadly  up  the  cinder-heaps;  and  glad  as  I  was  to  be 
quit  of  them  I  did  not  like  the  way  of  it.  However,  I  hoped  for 
the  best,  and  went  down  in  my  trousers  and  braces  to  breakfast. 
My  father  was  gone  to  his  boiling  by  this  time,  for  nothing  must 
ever  interfere  with  that;  but  my  mother  would  never  give  up  her 
breakfast  till  she  saw  the  bottom  of  the  teapot. 

"Oh,  Tommy  darling,"  she  cried,  as  she  caught  me,  and  kissed 
me  quite  into  the  china-cupboard,  for  we  always  had  breakfast  in 
the  kitchen  when  out  of  a  maid-of-all-work ;  "my  own  little  Tom- 
my, do  you  know  why  you  fly?  All  the  greatest  men  in  the  king- 
dom have  been  here,  to  prove  that  you  do  it  from  reasons  of  Herod, 
Heroditical  something — but  he  was  a  bad  man.  and  murdered  a 
million  of  little  ones.  They  may  prove  what  they  like;  and,  of 
course,  they  know  more  about  my  own  child  than  I  do.  I  don't 
care  that  for  their  science,"  said  mother,  snapping  her  thumb,  which 
was  large  and  very  fat;  "  but  tell  me,  Tommy,  from  your  own  dear 
feelings,  what  it  was  that  made  you  fly  so?" 

"I  didn't  fly,  mother;  I  only  went  up  because  I  could  not  help 
it.  Because  I  was  so  empty,  and  felt  certain  of  getting  full  again, 
quite  early  in  the  holidays." 

"Begin  at  once,  darling,  and  don't  talk.  Oh,  it  is  a  cruel,  cruel 
thing  that  you  should  leave  the  ground  for  want  of  victuals  when 
your  father  clears  eight  pounds  a  week.  Deny  it  as  he  ma)T,  I  can 
prove  it  to  him.  But  I  have  found  out  what  makes  you  fly.  A  flip 
for  their  science,  and  thundering  words'" 


12  TOMMY  UPMORE. 

"  Well,  mother,  I  don't  want  to  do  it  again,"  I  answered,  as  well 
as  I  could  with  my  mouth  quite  full  of  good  bacon  and  a  baker's 
roll;  "but  do  please  tell  me  what  made  me  do  it." 

' '  Tommy,  the  reason  is  out  of  the  Bible.  You  cannot  help  fly- 
ing, just  because  you  are  an  angel." 

"  They  never  told  me  that  at  school,  "  I  said, "  and  Old  Rum  would 
have  caned  me,  if  he  could  reach.  But  he  never  would  have  dared 
to  cane  an  angel." 

"Hush,  Tommy,  hush!  How  dare  you  call  that  learned  old 
gentleman,  with  white  hair,  '  Old  Rum ' !  But  never  mind,  darling. 
Whatever  you  do,  don't  leave  off  eating." 

For  this  I  might  be  trusted,  after  all  I  had  been  through ;  and  so 
well  did  I  spend  my  days  at  home  (especially  when  Bill  Chumps 
came  to  dine  with  us,  upon  his  own  stipulation  what  the  dinner  was 
to  be),  that  instead  of  going  up  into  the  air  at  all,  the  stoutest  lover 
of  his  native  land  could  not  have  surpassed  me  in  sticking  to  it. 
Chumps,  though  the  foremost  of  boys,  was  inclined  to  be  shy  with 
grown-up  people,  till  mother  emboldened  him  with  ginger-wine, 
and  then  he  gave  such  an  account  of  my  exploit  that  my  father 
and  mother  looked  at  him  with  faces  as  different  as  could  be.  My 
mother's  face  was  all  eyes  and  mouth,  with  admiration,  delight,  ex- 
citement, vigorous  faith,  and  desire  for  more ;  my  father's  face  was 
all  eyebrows,  nose,  and  lips ;  and  he  shook  his  big  head,  that  neigh- 
bor Chumps  should  have  such  a  liar  for  his  eldest  sou.  Nothing  but 
the  evidence  of  his  own  eyes  would  ever  convince  Bucephalus  Up- 
more  that  a  son  of  his,  or  of  any  other  Englishman,  came  out  of  an 
egg — without  which  there  was  no  flying. 

"Mr.  Upmore,  you  should  be  ashamed  of  yourself,"  my  mother 
broke  in  rather  sharply,  "to  argue  such  questions  before  young 
boys.  But  since  you  must  edify  us,  out  with  your  proof  that  the 
blessed  angels  were  so  born.  Or  will  you  deny  them  the  power  to 

fly?" 

"Never  did  I  claim,"  answered  father,  with  a  little  wink  at 
Chumps,  "to  know  the  ins  and  outs  of  angels,  not  having  married 
one,  as  some  folk  do,  until  they  discover  the  difference.  Our  Tom- 
my is  a  good  boy  enough,  in  his  way,  but  no  angel,  no  more  than 
his  parents  be.  If  ever  I  see  him  go  up  like  a  bubble,  I'll  fetch  him 
down  sharp  with  my  clout-rake;  but  if  I  don't  use  my  rake  till  then 
it  will  last  out  my  lifetime,  I'll  bet  a  guinea.  Now,  Tommy,  feed, 
and  don't  talk  or  look  about.  You'll  be  sorry  when  you  get  back  to 
school  for  every  moment  that  you  have  wasted." 

"My  mind  is  not  altogether  clear,"  said  mother,  " about  letting 
him  go  back  to  the  Latin  Pantheon  "—this  was  her  name  for  the 


TOMMY  UPMORE.  ]3 

Parthcncion;  "he  is  welcome  to  have  a  gentle  fly  now  and  then,  as 
Providence  has  so  endowed  him,  and  I  am  sure  he  would  never  fly 
away  from  his  own  mother;  but  as  for  his  flying  because  he  is  empty 
in  his  poor  inside — I'll  not  hear  of  it.  Bucephalus,  how  would  you 
like  it  r 

"Can't  say  at  all,  mother,  till  I  have  tried  it.  Shall  be  glad  to 
hear  Tommy's  next  experience.  Back  he  goes  to-morrow  morning; 
and  by  this  day  week,  if  they  starve  him  well,  he'll  be  fit  to  go  sky- 
high  again.  A  likely  thing,  indeed,  that  I  should  pay  ten  guineas 
beforehand  for  a  quarter's  board  and  tuition  in  classics  and  ma- 
thematics, all  of  the  finest  quality,  and  another  ten  guineas  in  lieu 
of  notice,  and  get  only  three  weeks  for  the  whole  of  it!  Come, 
Tommy,  how  much  have  you  learned,  my  boy?" 

"Oh,  ever  such  a  lot,  father  !    I  am  sure  I  don't  know  what." 

"Well,  my  son,  give  us  a  sample  of  it,  unless  there's  too  much  to 
break  bulk  at  random.  Tip  us  a  bit  of  your  learning,  Tommy. " 

"  Wait  a  bit,  father,  till  I've  got  my  fingers  up.  When  they  come 
right,  I  say  Me,  ha>c,  hoc,  and  the  singular  number  of  musa,  a  song. 
I  have  told  mother  every  word  of  it." 

"Out  and  out  beautiful  it  sounds,"  said  mother;  "quite  above 
business,  and  what  goes  on  in  the  week.  Dr.  Rumbelow  must  be  a 
wonderful  man  to  have  made  such  great  inventions." 

"Well,  it's  very  hard  to  pay  for  it  and  leave  it  in  the  clouds," 
my  father  said,  sniffing  as  if  he  smelled  pudding.  "  Let's  have  some 
more  of  it,  sky-high  Tommy." 

My  mother  looked  at  me,  as  much  as  to  say,  "  Now,  my  dear  son, 
astonish  him ;"  and  my  conscience  told  me  that  I  ought  to  do  it ;  and 
I  felt  myself  trying  very  hard  indeed  to  think;  but  not  a  Latin  word 
would  come  of  it.  Perhaps  I  might  have  done  it  if  it  had  not  been 
for  Chumps,  who  kept  on  putting  up  his  mouth  to  blow  me  some 
word  bigger  than  the  one  that  I  was  after,  while  all  that  I  wanted 
;i  little  one.  And  father  leaned  back,  with  a  wink,  to  encourage 
me  to  take  the  shine  out  of  himself  by  my  learning.  But  I  could 
only  lick  my  spoon. 

"  Come,  if  that  is  ten  guineas'  worth  of  Latin,"  said  my  father,  "I 
should  like  to  know  what  sixpenn'orth  is.  Tell  us  the  Latin  for  six- 
pence, Tommy." 

It  was  natural  that  I  should  not  know  this;  and  I  doubt  whether 
even  Chumps  did,  for  he  turned  away,  lest  I  should  ask  him.  But 
my  mother  never  would  have  me  trampled  on. 

"Mr.  Upmore,  you  need  not  be  vulgar,"  she  said,  "because  you 
have  had  no  advantages.  Would  you  dare  to  speak  so  before  Latin 
scholars?  Even  Master  Chumps  is  blushing  for  JTOU;  and  his  father 


14  TOMMY   UPMORE. 

a  man  of  such  fine  common-sense!  No  sensible  person  can  doubt, 
for  a  moment,  that  Tommy  knows  a  great  many  words  of  Latin,  but 
is  not  to  be  persecuted  out  of  them  in  that  very  coarse  manner  at 
dinner-time.  Tell  me,  my  dear,"  she  said,  turning  to  me,  for  I  was 
fit  to  cry,  almost,  "what  is  the  reason  that  you  can't  bring  out  your 
learning?  I  am  sure  that  you  have  it,  my  chick;  and  there  must  be 
some  very  good  reason  for  keeping  it  in." 

"  Then  I'll  tell  you  what  it  is,"  I  answered,  looking  at  my  father 
more  than  her;  "  there  is  such  a  lot  of  it,  it  all  sticks  together." 

"  That's  the  best  thing  I  ever  heard  in  my  life,"  cried  father,  as 
soon  as  he  could  stop  laughing,  while  Chumps  was  grinning  wisely, 
with  his  mouth  full  of  pudding.  ' '  What  a  glorious  investment  of 
my  ten  guineas,  to  have  a  son  so  learned  that  he  can't  produce  a 
word  of  it  because  it  all  sticks  together!  To-morrow,  my  boy,  you 
shall  go  back  for  the  rest  of  it.  Like  a  lump  of  grains  it  seems  to 
be,  that  you  can't  get  into  with  a  mashing-stick.  Ah,  I  shall  tell 
that  joke  to-night!" 

"  So  you  may,"  said  mother,  "so  you  may,  Bucephalus;  but  don't 
let  us  have  any  more  of  it.  'Tis  enough  to  make  any  boy  hate  learn- 
ing, to  be  blamed  for  it  so  unjustly.  "Would  he  ever  have  flown,  if 
it  had  not  been  for  Latin?  And  that  shows  how  much  he  has  got  of 
it.  Answer  that,  if  you  can,  Mr.  Upmore." 

But  my  father  was  much  too  wise  to  try.  ' '  Sophy,  you  beat  me 
there,"  he  said;  "I  never  was  much  of  a  hand  at  logic,  as  all  the 
clever  ladies  are.  Bill  Chumps  shall  have  a  glass  of  wine  after  his 
pudding,  and  Tommy  drink  water  like  a  flying-fish;  and  you  may 
pour  me  a  drop  from  the  black  square  bottle  as  soon  as  you  have 
filled  my  pipe,  my  dear."  - 

"  That  I  will,  Bucephalus,  with  great  pleasure,  if  you  will  promise 
me  one  little  thing.  If  Tommy  goes  back  to  that  Latin  Pantheon, 
they  must  let  him  come  home  every  Sunday." 

"Fly  home  to  his  nest  to  prevent  him  from  flying,"  my  father 
replied,  with  a  smile  of  good-humor,  for  he  liked  to  see  his  pipe 
filled;  "encourage  his  crop  and  discourage  his  wings.  ' Old  Rum,' 
as  they  call  him,  wouldn't  hear  of  that  at  first.  But  perhaps  he  will, 
now  that  he  has  turned  out  such  a  flyer." 


TUMMY    UP  MORE.  15 


CHAPTER  IV. 

THE  PURSUIT  OF   SCIENCE. 

MANY  people  seem  to  find  the  world  grow  worse  the  more  they 
have  of  it,  that  they  may  be  ready  to  go,  perhaps,  to  a  higher  and 
better  region.  But  never  has  this  been  the  case  with  me,  although 
I  am  a  stanch  Conservative.  My  settled  opinion  is  that  nature 
(bearing  in  her  reticule  the  human  atom)  changes  very  slowly,  so 
that  boys  are  boys,  through  rolling  ages;  even  as  Adam  must  have 
been,  if  he  had  ever  been  a  boy. 

At  any  rate,  the  boys  at  Dr.  Rumbelow's  were  not  so  much  belter 
than  boys  are  now  as  to  be  quoted  against  them.  They  certainly 
seem  to  have  had  more  courage,  more  common-sense  and  simplic- 
ity, together  with  less  affectation,  daintiness,  vanity,  and  pretension. 
But,  on  the  other  hand,  they  were  coarser,  wilder,  and  more  tyranni- 
cal, and  rejoiced  more  freely  than  their  sons  do  now  in  bullying 
the  little  ones.  The  first  thing  a  new  boy  had  to  settle  was  his 
exact  position  in  the  school;  not  in  point  of  scholarship,  or  powers 
of  the  mind,  but  as  to  his  accomplishments  at  fisticuff.  His  first 
duty  was  to  arrange  his  school-fellows  in  three  definite  classes — 
those  who  could  whack  him  and  he  must  abide  it,  those  he  would  hit 
again  if  they  hit  him,  and  those  he  could  whack  without  any  danger, 
whenever  a  big  fellow  had  whacked  him.  Knowledge  of  the  world, 
and  of  nature  also,  was  needed  for  making  this  arrangement  well ; 
to  over-esteem  or  to  undervalue  self  brought  black  eyes  perpetual, 
or  universal  scorn. 

But  to  me,  alas!  no  political  study  of  this  kind  was  presented. 
All  the  other  boys  could  whack  me,  and  expostulation  led  to  more, 
tee  I  was  the  smallest  and  most  peaceful  among  all  the  little 
ones,  and  I  lie  buoyancy  of  my  nature  made  a  heavy  blow  impossi- 
ble. Yet,  upon  the  whole,  the  others  were  exceedingly  kind  and 
good  to  me,  rejoicing  to  ply  me  with  countless  nicknames,  of  widely 
various  grades  of  wit,  suggested  by  my  personal  appearance  and  the 
infirmity  of  lightness.  Tom- tit,  Butterfly  Upmore,  Flying  Tommy, 
and  Skylark  were  some  of  the  names  that  I  liked  best  and  answered 
to  most  freely;  while  I  could  not  bear  to  be  called  Soapsuds,  Bub- 
bly, Bluebottle,  or  Blow-me-tight.  But  whatever  it  was  it  served  its 
turn,  and  the  boy  who  hnd  been  witty  at  my  expense  felt  less  dis- 
•1  to  knock  me. 


16  TOMMY  UP  MORE. 

But,  even  as  with  the  full-grown  public,  opinion  once  formed  is 
loath  to  budge,  so  with  these  boys  it  was  useless  to  argue  that,  hav- 
ing flown  once,  I  could  not  again  do  it.  If  they  would  have  al- 
lowed me  simply  to  maintain  the  opposite,  or  to  listen  mutely  to 
their  proofs,  it  would  have  been  all  right  for  either  side.  But  when 
they  came  pricking  me  up  with  a  pin  in  the  end  of  a  stick,  or  a  two- 
pronged  fork  (such  as  used  to  satisfy  a  biped  with  his  dinner,  and  a 
much  better  dinner  than  he  gets  now),  endeavoring  also  to  urge  me 
on  high  by  an  elevating  grasp  of  my  hair  and  ears,  you  may  well 
believe  me  when  I  say  how  sadly  I  lamented  my  exploit  above.  I 
was  ready  to  go  up,  I  was  eager  to  go  up,  not  only  to  satisfy  public 
demand,  but  also  to  get  out  of  the  way  of  it;  and  more  than  once  I 
did  go  up  some  few  inches,  in  virtue  of  the  tugs  above  and  pricks  in 
lower  parts  of  me.  But  no  sooner  did  I  begin  to  rise,  with  general 
expectation  raised,  and  more  forks  ready  to  go  into  me,  than  down 
I  always  came  again,  calling  in  vain  for  my  father  and  mother,  be- 
cause I  could  not  help  it. 

Upon  such  occasions  no  one  had  the  fairness  to  allow  for  my  cir- 
cumstances. Every  one  vowred  that  I  could  fly  as  well  as  ever  if  I 
tried  in  earnest,  and  I  was  too  young  to  argue  with  them  and  point 
out  the  real  cause;  to  wit,  the  large  and  substantial  feeding  in  which 
I  employed  my  Sundays.  By  reason  of  this  I  returned  to  school 
every  Monday  morning  with  a  body  as  heavy  as  my  mind  almost, 
and  to  stir  up  either  of  them  was  useless  for  a  long  time  afterwards. 

As  ill-luck  would  have  it,  it  was  on  a  Monday  that  science  made 
her  next  attack  on  me.  And  now  let  me  say  that  if  ever  you  find 
me  (from  your  own  point  of  view)  uncandid,  bigoted,  narrow-mind- 
ed, unsynthetical,  unphilosophical,  or  anything  else  that  is  wicked 
and  low,  when  it  fails  to  square  with  theories,  in  the  spirit  of  fair 
play  you  must  remember  what  a  torment  science  has  been  to  me. 

Five  of  them  came  on  that  Monday  afternoon,  four  in  a  four- 
wheeler  and  one  on  the  dicky;  and  we  had  a  boy  who  could  see 
things  crooked,  through  some  peculiar  cast  of  eye,  and  though  the 
windows  were  six  feet  over  his  head  he  told  us  all  about  it,  and  we 
knew  that  he  was  right. 

Presently  in  came  the  doctor's  page  (a  bo}'  who  was  dressed  like 
Mercury,  but  never  allowed  in  the  schoolroom,  unless  he  had  urgent 
cause  to  show) — his  name  was  Bob  Jackson,  and  we  had  rare  larks 
with  his  clothes  whenever  we  got  hold  of  him — and  he  waved  above 
his  head,  as  his  orders  were  to  do,  a  very  big  letter  for  the  doctor. 
Every  boy  of  us  rushed  into  a  certainty  of  joy — away  with  books, 
and  away  to  play!  But  woe,  instead  of  bliss,  was  the  order  of  the 
day.  Dr.  Rumbelow  never  allowed  himself  to  be  hurried  or  flurried 


TOMMY  UPATORE.  17 

by  anything,  except  the  appearance  of  his  babies;  and  when  he  was 
made,  as  he  was  by  and  by,  a  bishop,  for  finding  out  something  in 
Lycophron  that  nobody  else  could  make  head  or  tail  of,  he  is  said 
to  have  taken  his  usual  leisure  in  loosing  the  button,  enforced  by 
.Mrs.  liumbelow,  ere  ever  he  broke  the  prime-minister's  seal. 

"Boys,"  he  said  now,  after  looking  at  us  well,  to  see  if  anybody 
wanted  caning;  "lads  who  combine  the  discipline  of  Sparta  with 
the  versatile  grace  of  Athens,  Mr.  Smallbones  will  now  attend  to 
you.  Under  his  diligent  care  you  will  continue  your  studies  eager- 
ly. In  these  degenerate  days  hard  science  tramples  on  the  arts 
more  elegant.  Happy  are  ye,  who  can  yet  devote  your  hours  to  the 
lighter  muses.  At  the  stern  call  of  science  (who  has  no  muse,  but 
herself  is  an  Erinnys),  I  leave  you  in  the  charge  of  Mr.  Smallbones. 
Icarillus,  you  will  follow  me,  and  bring  the  light  cane,  with  the 
ticket  No.  7.  A  light  cane  is  sweeter  for  very  little  boys." 

My  heart  went  down  to  my  heels  while,  bearing  my  fate  in  my 
hands,  I  followed  him.  Conscience  had  often  reproached  me  for  not 
being  able  to  fly,  to  please  the  boys.  Universal  consent  had  declared 
that  it  was  all  my  fault,  and  I  ought  to  pay  out  for  it.  What  was 
the  use  of  my  trying  to  think  that  the  world  was  all  wrong,  and  my- 
self  alone  right?  Ver}r  great  men,  like  Athanasius,  might  be  able  to 
believe  it,  but  a  poor  little  Tommy  like  me  could  not.  But  I  tried 
hard  to  say  to  the  doctor's  coat-tails,  "Oh,  please  not  to  do  it,  sir,  if 
you  can  please  to  help  it." 

Dr.  Rumbelow  turned,  as  we  crossed  a  stone  passage  (where  my 
knees  knocked  together  from  the  want  of  echo,  and  a  cold  shiver 
crept  into  my  bones),  and,  seeing  the  state  of  my  mind  and  body, 
and  no  boy  anywhere  near  us,  he  could  not  help  saying,  "My  poor 
Icarillus,  cheer  up,  rouse  up,  tharsei!  The  Romans  had  no  brief 
forms  of  encouragement,  because  they  never  required  it.  But  the 
small  and  feeble  progeny  of  this  decadent  country —  Don't  cry, 
brave  Icarillus;  don't  cry,  poor  little  fellow;  none  shall  touch  you 
but  myself.  What  terror  hath  invaded  you?" 

The  doctor  stooped  and  patted  my  head,  which  was  covered  with 
thick,  golden  curls,  and  I  raised  my  streaming  eyes  to  him,  and 
pointed  with  one  hand  at  the  cane,  which  was  trembling  in  my  other 
hand.  My  master  indulged  in  some  Latin  quotation,  or  it  may  have 
been  Greek  for  aught  I  know,  and  then  translated  and  amplified  it, 
a^  lii-;  manner  was  with  a  junior  pupil. 

"Boys  must  weep.  This  has  been  ordained  most  wi«-ly  by  the 
immortal  gods,  to  teach  them  betimes  the  lesson  needed  in  the  hu- 
man life,  more  often  than  any  other  erudition.  But.  alas  for  thee, 
poor  Icaridion !  it  seems,  as  from  the  eyes  afar,  a  thing  unjust,  and 

2. 


IS  TOMMY  UPMORE. 

full  of  thambos.  For  thou  hast  not  aimed  at,  nor  even  desired, 
the  things  that  are  unlawful,  but  rather  hast  been  ensnared  therein 
by  means  of  some  necessity  hard  to  be  avoided.  Therefore  I  say 
again,  cheer  up,  Tommy!  Science  may  vaunt  herself  as  being  the 
mistress  of  the  now  happening  day,  and  of  that  which  has  been  or- 
dained to  follow;  but  I  am  the  master  of  my  own  cane.  Thomas 
Upmore,  none  shall  smite  thee." 

A  glow  of  joy  came  into  my  heart,  and  dried  up  my  tears  in  a 
wink  or  two,  for  we  knew  him  to  be  a  true  man  of  his  word,  wheth- 
er to  cane  or  to  abstain ;  and  if  the  professors  had  kept  in  the  back- 
ground, I  might  have  soared  up  for  them  then  and  there.  But  it 
never  is  their  nature  to  do  that ;  and  before  I  had  time  to  be  really 
happy,  four  out  of  the  five  were  upon  me.  Hearing  the  doctor's 
fine,  loud  voice,  they  could  no  more  contain  themselves,  but  dashed 
out  upon  us,  like  so  many  dragons,  on  the  back  of  their  own  emi- 
nence— Professors  Brachipod  and  Jargoon,  Chocolous  and  Mulli- 
cles,  than  whom  are  none  more  eminent  on  the  roll  of  modern  sci- 
ence. The  fifth,  and  greatest  of  them  all,  whose  name  shall  never 
be  outrubbed  by  time,  but  cut  deeper  every  year,  Professor  Mega- 
low,  sat  calmly  on  a  three-legged  stool  which  he  had  found. 

None  of  these  learned  gentlemen  had  seen  my  little  self  before, 
and  an  earnest  desire  arose  in  my  mind  that  not  one  of  them  ever 
should  see  me  again.  Their  eyes  were  beaming  with  intellect,  and 
their  arms  spread  out  like  sign-posts;  and  I  made  off  at  once,  with- 
out waiting  to  think,  till  the  doctor's  deep  voice  stopped  me. 

''Icarillus,"  he  said,  and,  though  he  could  not  catch  them,  my 
legs  could  go  no  farther,  "Athena,  the  Muses,  and  Phrebus  himself 
command  thee  to  face  the  enemy.  This  new  and  prosaic  and  un- 
couth power,  which  calls  itself  science,  as  opposed  to  learning,  wis- 
dom, and  large  philosophy — excuse  me,  gentlemen,  I  am  speaking  in 
the  abstract — this  arrogant  upstart  is  so  rampant,  because  people 
run  away  from  her.  Tommy,  come  hither  ;  these  gentlemen  are 
kind,  very  kind — don't  be  afraid,  Tommy;  you  may  stand  in  the 
folds  of  my  gown  if  you  like.  Answer  any  question  they  may  ask, 
and  fly  again,  if  they  can  persuade  you.  Professors  Brachipod  and 
Jargoon,  Chocolous  and  Mullicles,  my  little  pupil  is  at  your  service." 

Beginning  to  feel  my  own  importance,  I  began  to  grow  quite 
brave  almost,  and  ventured  to  take  down  my  hands  from  my  face, 
and  turn  round  a  little,  and  peep  from  the  corners  of  my  eyes  at 
these  great  magicians.  And  as  soon  as  I  saw  that  the  foremost  of 
them  had  been  carried  out  of  our  house  by  father,  and  sent  away 
over  the  cinder-heaps,  there  came  a  sort  of  rising  in  my  mind,  which 
told  me  to  try  to  stick  up  to  them.  And  when  they  fell  out  one 


TOMMY    UPMORE.  19 

with  another,  as  they  lost  no  time  in  doing,  they  made  me  think 
somehow  about  the  old  women  who  came  to  pick  over  our  ash- 
heaps;  until,  through  the  doorway,  I  saw  another  face,  the  kindest 
and  grandest  I  ever  had  seen,  the  face  of  Professor  Megalow. 

Before  I  had  time  to  get  afraid  again  there  was  no  chance  left  to 
run  away;  for  the  four  professors  had  occupied  all  the  four  sides  of 
my  body.  They  poked  me,  and  pulled  me  in  every  direction,  and 
fflt  every  tender  part  of  me,  and  would  have  been  glad  to  unbutton 
my  raiment,  if  the  master  had  allowed  it.  And  they  used  such 
mighty  words  as  nobody  may  reproduce  correctly,  unless  he  was 
born,  or  otherwise  endowed,  with  a  ten-chain  tape  at  the  back  of  his 
tongue.  Eveiy  one  talked  as  fast  as  if  the  rest  were  listening  eager- 
ly, and  every  one  listened  as  much  as  if  the  rest  had  nought  to  say 
to  him.  For  all  worked  different  walks  of  science,  and  each  was 
certain  that  the  other's  walk  was  crooked. 

1  assure  you  that  this  was  a  very  difficult  thing  for  me  to  deal  with, 
having  so  many  tongues  going  on  about  me,  and  so  many  hands 
going  into  me,  and  a  strong  pull  in  one  direction,  crossed  by  a 
stronger  push  in  the  other.  Moreover,  two  learned  gentlemen  wanted 
to  throw  me  up  perpendicular,  while  other  two  of  equal  learning 
would  launch  me  on  high  horizontally.  Between  and  among  and 
amid  them  all,  there  was  like  to  be  nothing  but  specimens  left  of 
unfortunate  Tommy  Upmorc. 

"Gentlemen,  gentlemen!"  shouted  Dr.  Rumbelow,  but  they  did 
not  answer  to  that  name.  ' '  Professors,  professors,  forbear,  I  be- 
i  you.  Is  this  scientific  investigation?  I  will  have  no  vivisection 
here" — for  they  hurt  me  so  much  that  I  now  screamed  out;  " I  am 
sorry  to  lay  hands  upon  you,  but  humanity  compels  me.  Now,  un- 
less you  all  sit  down,  I  shall  send  Argeiphontes  for  the  police.  I 
grieve  that  you  drive  me  to  such  strong  measures.  But  I  cannot 
have  my  little  Icarus  treated  like  Orpheus  or  AcUeon." 

Luckily  for  me,  the  doctor's  body  might  vie  with  his  mind  in 
grasp  of  subject  ;  and  he  soon  had  Professors  Brachipod,  Jargoon, 
and  Mullicles  seated  in  their  chairs.  But  the  fourth  prof essor  (whose 
name  was  Chocolous,  and  himself  a  foreigner  of  sonic  kind)  entreated 
that  he  might  not  be  compelled  to  sit. 

"  Not  for  five,  six,  seven  year  have  I  sect  in  ze  shair,"  he  cried, 
with  his  arms  spread  out,  and  his  back  in  a  shake  against  some  deg- 
radation ;  "  I  must  not,  and  I  will  not,  seet.  Herr  Doctor,  in  many 
languages  laboriously  excellent,  present  not  to  me  /is  grade  indignity. 
I  vill  keek,  if  you  not  leave  oil." 

lie  was  very  angry,  but  his  friends  seemed  to  enjoy  it. 

"Oblige  me,  gentlemen, "said  Dr.  Ruuilx-low.  decorously  quitting 


20  TOMMY   UFMORE. 

this  excitement,  "  by  telling  me  why  your  learned  friend  resists  my 
kindly  efforts.  When  the  body  is  seated  the  mind  is  calm.  What 
find  we  in  Plato  upon  that  subject.  Not  only  once,  but  even  thrice, 
in  a  single  dialogue,  we  discover,  directly  and  inferentially — " 

"A  flip  for  those  old  codgers,  sir!"  exclaimed  Professor  Brachi- 
pod.  "  Chocolous  knows  more  than  fifty  Platos,  though  his  leading 
idea  is  fundamentally  erroneous"  ("I  say  nah,  I  say  non,  I  say 
bosh  !"  broke  in  Professor  Chocolous) — "his  leading  idea  that  the 
human  race  may  recover  its  primordial  tail,  by  abstaining  for  only  a 
few  generations — " 

"  Seven  chenerations,  first;  and  when  he  have  attained  one  yoint, 
seven  more.  I  am  ze  first.  But  in  two,  tree,  four  hundred  year, 
continued  in  ze  female  line,  wizout  ever  going  upon  ze  shair— 

"  Shut  up,  Chocolous  !"  broke  in  Professor  Mullicles.  "  How  can 
molecular  accretion  ever  be  affected  by  human  habitude  ?  Tis  a 
simple  inversion  of  the  fundamental  process.  Every  schoolboy  now 
is  perfectly  aware  that  the  protoplasmatic  anthropomorphism  was 
a  single  joint  of  tail.  Molecular  accretion  immediately  commenced; 
and  the  result  is  such  a  fellow  as  you  are. " 

"  And  such  a  fellow  as  Professor  Megalow,"  the  little  German  an- 
swered, with  quiet  self-respect ;  "  if  I  vos  one,  he  vos  ze  cder.  Pro- 
fessor Megalow,  vot  for  you  stay  back  so?" 

"My  reason  for  staying  back  so,  as  our  learned  friend  expresses 
it,"  said  the  tall  man  with  the  kind  and  noble  face,  at  last  advanc- 
ing, "  is  that  the  matter  now  in  hand,  though  deeply  interesting,  and 
(to  judge  by  results)  even  highly  exciting,  is  one  that  I  have  never 
dealt  with.  When  I  was  kindly  asked  to  come,  I  was  very  glad  to 
do  so.  But  with  your  good  leave  I  will  form  no  opinion  until  I 
find  some  grounds  for  it. " 

The  four  men  of  science  were  struck  dumb  at  the  rashness  of  such 
a  resolution,  while  Dr.  Rumbclow  took  advantage  of  their  amaze- 
ment to  say  a  word. 

"Professor  Megalow,  allow  me  the  honor  of  shaking  hands  with 
you,  sir.  You  speak  like  a  genuine  acolyte  of  that  glorious  sage, 
Pythagoras.  The  ereneuticon,  in  all  truth,  must  precede  the  her- 
meneuticon.  Whenever  you  like  to  examine  Tommy  he  shall  be  at 
your  service." 

This  offer  was  highly  disinterested,  but  I  did  not  enjoy  its  mag- 
nanimity, especially  as  my  protector  now  became  so  engrossed  with 
the  great  professor  that  he  quite  forgot  poor  little  me. 

"Now  is  your  time  to  go  through  with  the  question,"  spake  the 
arch-enemy,  Brachipod,  "which,  beyond  all  doubt,  is  nothing  more 
than  a  case  of  organic  levigation — " 


TOMMY  UP  MO  RE.  21 

"  Levigation  be  d d,"  cried  Professor  Jargoon.    "  Any  fool  can 

see  that  it  is  gaseous  expansion." 

"Gaseous  expansion  is  bosh,  bosh,  bosh!"  shouted  Professor 
Chocolous  ;  "ze  babe,  zat  vas  born  a  vcck  longer  dis  day,  vill  tell 
you — bacilli,  bacilli  !" 

"  How  pleasant  it  would  be  to  hear  all  this  nonsense,"  declared 
Professor  Mullicles,  ' '  if  ignorance  were  not  so  dogmatic.  The  merest 
neophyte  would  recognize  at  once  this  instance  of  histic  fluxion. " 

Without  any  delay  a  great  uproar  arose,  and  the  four  professors 
rushed  at  me,  to  save  rushing  at  one  another.  My  heart  fell  so  low 
that  I  could  not  run  away,  though  extremely  desirous  of  doing  so  ; 
and  the  utmost  I  could  manage  was  to  get  behind  a  chair,  and  sing 
out  for  my  father  and  mother.  This  only  redoubled  their  zeal,  and 
I  might  not  have  been  alive  now  to  speak  of  it,  had  not  Professor 
Brachipod  pulled  out  an  implement  like  a  butcher's  steelyard,  and 
swung  back  the  others  with  a  sweep  of  it. 

' '  He  belongs  to  me.  It  was  I  who  found  him  out.  I  will  have 
the  very  first  turn  at  him,"  he  cried.  "  I'll  knock  on  the  head  any 
man  who  presumes  to  prevent  me  from  proving  my  theory.  Just 
hold  him  tight,  while  I  get  this  steel  hook  firmly  into  his  collar.  Now 
are  you  satisfied?  This  proves  everything.  Can  this  levigation  be 
d d,  Jargoon?  All  his  weight  is  a  pound  and  five  ounces  P 

lie-  turned  round  in  triumph,  and  a  loud  laugh  met  him.  He  was 
weighing  my  jacket  without  me  inside  it.  For  mother  had  told  me, 
a  hundred  times,  that  a  child  had  much  better  be  killed  than  weighed, 
At  the  fright  of  his  touch  I  slipped  out  of  my  sleeves,  and  set  off  at 
the  top  of  my  speed  away.  In  the  passage  I  found  a  side  door  open, 
and  without  looking  back  dashed  through  it. 

"Go  it,  little  'un  !"  a  cabman  cried,  the  very  man  who  had  brought 
mine  enemies  ;  and  go  it  I  did,  like  a  bird  on  the  wing,  without  any 
knowledge  of  the  ground  below.  Some  of  our  boys,  looking  out  of 
a  window,  called  out,  "Well  done,  Tommy!  You'll  win  the — " 
something,  it  may  have  been  the  Derby;  I  went  too  fast  to  hear  what 
it  was.'  Short  as  my  legs  were,  they  flew  like  the  spokes  of  a  wheel, 
that  can  never  be  counted,  and  I  left  a  mail-cart,  and  a  butcher's 
cart  too,  out  of  sight,  though  they  tried  to  keep  up  with  me.  Such 
was  my  speed,  on  the  wings  of  the  wind,  with  my  linen  inflated,  and 
my  hair  blown  out,  the  nimblest  professor  that  ever  yet  rushed  to 
a  headlong  conclusion  were  slow  to  me.  In  a  word,  I  should  have 
distanced  all  those  enemies,  had  I  only  taken  the  right  road  home. 

But,  alas!  when  I  came  to  the  top  of  a  rise,  from  which  I  expected 
to  see  my  dear  parents,  or,  at  any  rate,  our  cinder-heap,  there  was 
nothing  of  the  kind  in  sight.  The  breeze  had  swept  me  up  the  Bar- 


22  TOMMY  UPMORE. 

net  road  ;  and  yonder  was  the  smoke  of  our  chimney,  like  a  streak, 
a  mile  away  down  to  the  left  of  me.  All  the  foot  of  the  hill,  which 
is  now  panelled  out  into  walls  and  streets  of  the  great  cattle-mar- 
ket, remained  to  be  crossed,  without  help  of  the  wind,  ere  ever  I  was 
safe  inside  our  door.  And  the  worst  of  it  was  that  the  ground  had 
no  cover,  not  a  house,  nor  a  tree,  nor  so  much  as  a  ditch,  for  a  small- 
ish boy  to  creep  along;  only  piles  of  rubbish  here  and  there,  and  a 
few  swampy  places,  where  snipes  sometimes  pitched  down,  to  have 
a  taste  of  London. 

Tired  as  I  was  after  that  great  run,  and  scant  of  breath,  and  faint- 
hearted— for  the  sun  was  gone  down  below  Highgate  Hill,  and  my 
spirits  ever  seem  to  sink  with  him — I  started  anew  for  my  own  sweet 
home,  by  the  mark  of  the  smoke  of  our  boiling-house.  I  could  hear 
my  heart  going  pit-a-pat,  faster  than  my  weary  feet  went;  for  the 
place  was  as  lonely  as  science  could  desire  for  a  snug  job  of  vivisec- 
tion. Of  that  grisly  horror  I  knew  not  as  yet  the  name,  nor  the 
meaning,  precisely ;  but  a  boy  at  our  school,  who  was  a  surgeon's 
son,  used  to  tell  things  in  bed  there  was  no  sleeping  after.  And 
once  he  had  said,  ' '  If  they  could  catch  you,  Tommy,  what  a  treat 
you  would  be,  to  be  lectured  on !" 

As  the  dusk  grew  deeper  in  the  hollow  places,  and  the  ribs  of  the 
breastlands  paler,  I  began  to  get  more  and  more  afraid,  and  to  start 
back,  and  listen  at  my  own  footstep.  And  before  I  could  hear  what 
I  hoped  to  hear — the  anvil  of  the  blacksmith  down  our  lane — the  air 
began  to  thicken  with  the  reeking  of  the  earth,  and  the  outline  of 
everything  in  sight  was  blurred,  and  a  very  tired  fellow  could  not 
tell,  at  any  moment,  what  to  run  away  from,  without  running  into 
worse.  At  one  time  I  thought  of  sitting  down,  and  hiding  in  a  dip 
of  the  ground  till  night  came  on,  and  my  enemies  could  not  see  me ; 
but  although  that  might  have  been  the  safest  plan,  my  courage 
would  not  hold  out  for  it.  So  on  I  went,  in  fear  and  trembling, 
peeping  and  peering,  both  behind  me  and  before,  and  longing  with 
all  my  heart  to  see  our  own  door. 

But  instead  of  that,  oh,  what  a  sight  I  saw — the  most  fearful  that 
can  be  imagined!  From  the  womb  of  the  earth  those  four  pro- 
fessors (whose  names  are  known  all  over  it),  Brachipod,  Jargoon, 
Chocolous,  and  Mullicles,  came  forth,  and  joined  hands  in  front  of 
me.  They  laughed,  with  a  low  scientific  laugh,  like  a  surgical  blade 
on  the  grindstone. 

"  Capital,  capital!"  Brachipod  cried;  "  we  have  got  him  all  snug 
to  ourselves  at  last.  Let  me  get  my  hook  into  my  pretty  little  eel." 

" Famous, famous !" said  the  deep  voice  of  Jargoon;  "now  you 
shall  see  how  I  work  my  compressor." 


TOMMY   UP  MO  HE.  23 

"  Iloch,  hoch!"  chuckled  Chocolous;  "ve  have  catch  ze  leetle 
baird  at  last.  I  vill  demonstrate  his  bacilli." 

But  the  one  that  terrified  me  most  of  all  was  Professor  Mullicles, 
because  he  said  nothing,  but  kept  one  hand  upon  something  that 
shone  from  his  long  black  cloak. 

"Oh,  gentlemen,  kind,  gentle  gentlemen,"  I  sobbed,  dropping 
down  on  my  knees  before  them,  "  do  please  let  me  go  to  my  father 
and  mother.  They  live  close  by,  and  they  think  so  much  of  me, 
and  I  am  sure  they  would  pay  you  for  all  your  inventions,  a  great 
deal  more  than  the  government.  I  only  flew  once,  and  I  didn't 
mean  to  fly,  and  I  am  sure  it  must  have  been  a  mistake  altogether, 
and  I  will  promise,  upon  my  Sammy,  as  Bill  Chumps  says,  not  to  do 
it  any  more.  Oh,  please  to  let  me  go!  It  is  so  late,  and  I  beg  your 
pardon  humbly." 

"Eloquent  and  aerial  Tommy,"  replied  that  dreadful  Brachipod, 
"this  case  is  too  momentous  in  the  interests  of  pure  science  for  self- 
ish motives  to  be  recognized.  It  will  be  your  lofty  privilege  to  ab- 
stract yourself,  to  revert  to  the  age  of  unbroken  continuity,  when 
that  which  is  now  called  Tommy  was  an  atom  of  protobioplasm — " 

"  Stow  that  rubbish,"  broke  in  Jargoon. 

"Ach,  ach,  ach!  All  my  yaw  is  on  the  edge !"  screamed  Choco- 
lous, dancing  with  his  hands  up. 

"Proto-potatoes!"  spoke  Mullicles,  sternly,  advancing  to  support 
his  view  of  me. 

"D — n,"  exclaimed  all  of  them,  unanimous  for  once,  when  there 
was  no  view  of  me  to  be  had;  "  was  there  ever  such  a  little  devil? 
After  him.  after  him!  He  can't  get  away." 

"  Can't  he?"  thought  I,  though  I  did  not  dare  to  speak,  having  not 
a  single  pant  of  breath  to  spare.  For  while  I  was  down  on  my  knees 
for  mere}',  through  the  tears  in  my  eyes  I  had  seen  a  lamp  lit.  I 
knew  where  that  lamp  was,  and  all  about  it,  having  broken  the  glass 
of  it  once  or  twice,  and  lamps  were  a  rarity  in  Maiden  Lane  as  yet. 
It  was  not  a  quarter  of  a  mile  away,  and  the  light  of  it  shone  upon 
my  own  white  pillow. 

So  when  those  philosophers  parted  hands  to  shake  fists  at  one 
another,  out  of  the  scientific  ring  I  slipped,  and  made  off,  for  the 
life  of  me.  My  foes  were  not  very  swift  of  foot,  and  none  of  them 
would  let  another  get  before  him,  so  that  if  I  had  been  fresh  and 
bold,  even  without  any  breeze  to  help  me,  I  miirht  have  outstripped 
them  easily.  But  my  legs  were  died,  and  my  mind  dismayed;  and 
the  seientitic  terms  in  which  they  called  on  me  to  stop  were  enough 
to  make  any  one  stick  fast.  And  the  worst  of  it  was,  that,  having 
no  coat  on,  I  was  very  conspicuous  in  the  dusk,  and  had  no  chance 


24  TOMMY  UPMORE. 

of  dodging  to  the  right  or  left.  So  that  I  could  hear  them  gaining 
on  me,  and  my  lungs  were  too  exhausted  for  me  to  scream  out  for 
father. 

Thus,  within  an  apple-toss  of  our  back  door,  and  with  nothing 
but  a  down-hill  slope  between  me  and  our  garden,  those  four  ogres 
of  grim  science  had  me  lapsing  back  into  their  grasp  again.  Their 
hands  were  stretched  forth  in  pursuit  of  my  neck,  and  their  breath 
was  like  flame  at  the  tips  of  my  ears,  when  a  merciful  Providence 
delivered  me.  I  felt  something  quivering  under  my  feet,  over  which 
I  went  lightly,  with  a  puff  of  wind  lifting  the  hollows  of  my  hair 
and  shirt-sleeves.  In  an  instant  I  landed  on  a  bank  of  slag,  but  be- 
hind me  was  a  fearful  fourfold  splash! 

So  absorbing  was  my  terror  and  so  scattered  were  my  wits  that 
for  ever  so  long  I  could  not  make  out  what  had  happened  betwixt 
me  and  my  pursuers,  except  that  I  was  safe  and  they  were  not. 
There  they  were,  struggling  and  sputtering  and  kicking — so  much, 
at  least,  as  could  be  seen  of  them — throwing  up  their  elbows,  or  their 
heels,  or  heads,  and  execrating  nature  (when  their  mouths  were  clear 
to  do  it)  in  the  very  strongest  language  that  has  ever  been  evolved.  At 
the  same  time  a  smell  (even  stronger  than  their  words)  arose,  and 
grew  so  thick  that  they  could  scarcely  be  seen  through  it. 

This  told  me  at  once  what  had  befallen  them,  or,  rather,  what 
they  had  fallen  into  ;  videlicet,  the  cleaning  of  our  vats,  together 
with  Mr.  John  Windsor's,  whose  refuse  and  scouring  is  run  away  in 
trucks  upon  the  last  Saturday  of  every  other  month.  It  would  be 
hard  to  say  what  variety  of  stench,  and  of  glutinous  garbage,  is  not 
richly  present  here;  and  the  men  from  the  sewers,  who  conduct 
it  to  the  pit,  require  brandy  at  short  intervals.  In  the  pit,  which  is 
not  more  than  five  feet  deep,  yet  ought  to  be  shunned  by  trespassers, 
the  surface  is  covered  with  chloride  of  lime,  and  other  materials 
employed  to  kill  smell  by  outsmellingit;  and  so  a  short  crust  forms 
over  it,  until  the  contents  become  firm  and  slab,  and  can  be  cut  out 
for  the  good  of  the  land,  when  the  weather  is  cold  and  the  wind 
blows  away. 

Now,  certain  it  is  that  all  the  science  they  were  made  of  could 
never  have  extricated  those  professors,  without  the  strong  arms  of 
my  father  and  mother,  and  even  small  me  at  the  end  of  the  rope. 
The  stuff  they  were  in  being  only  half  cooled  (and  their  bodies 
grown  sticky  with  running  so)  fastened  heavily  on  them,  like 
tallow  on  a  wick,  closing  so  completely  both  mouth  and  eyes  that, 
instead  of  giving,  they  could  only  receive,  a  lesson  in  materialism. 
Professors  Brachipod  and  Chocolous,  being  scarcely  five  feet  and  a 
quarter  in  height,  were  in  great  danger  of  perishing;  but  Mullicles 


TOMMY  UPMORE.  25 

and  Jargoon  most  kindly  gave  them  a  jump  now  and  then  for 
breath.  And,  to  be  quit  of  an  unfragrant  matter,  and  tell  it  more 
rapidly  than  we  did  it,  with  the  aid  of  a  blue-man  from  the  Indigo 
works,  and  of  two  thick-set  wagoners,  we  rescued  those  four  gen- 
tlemen from  their  sad  situation,  and  condoled  with  them. 

Not  for  £5  per  head,  however,  would  any  of  our  cabmen  take  them 
home ;  though  a  man  out  of  work  had  been  tempted  by  a  guinea  to 
relieve  them  a  little  with  a  long-handled  broom,  and  to  flush  them 
with  a  bucket  afterwards.  Under  heavy  discouragement  they  set 
forth  on  their  several  ways,  surveyed  by  the  police  at  a  respectful 
distance,  on  account  of  the  danger  to  the  public  health. 


CHAPTER  V. 
"GRIP." 

MY  mother  was  so  frightened  at  the  fright  I  had  been  through 
that  she  took  it  for  an  urgent  sign  from  Heaven  that  my  education 
should  be  stopped  at  once.  Having  had  as  much  of  school  as  I  de- 
sired, I  heartily  hoped  that  her  opinion  would  prevail ;  but  father 
was  as  obstinate  as  ever,  and  after  the  usual  argument — in  which 
she  had  the  best  of  the  words,  perhaps,  and  he  of  the  meaning — I 
was  bound  to  the  altar  of  the  Muses  once  again,  with  a  promise  of 
stripes,  if  I  should  try  to  slip  the  cord.  Dr.  Rumbelow  undertook 
that  no  professor  of  anything  harder  than  languages — unless  it  were 
Professor  Megalow — should  come  in  at  any  door  of  the  Ptirthcneion, 
v/ithout  having  tallow  poured  over  him,  which  he  had  found  from 
high  Greek  authority  to  be  the  right  ointment  for  Neo-sophistaj. 
And  he  said  that  my  father  must  have  been  familiar  with  the  pas- 
sage he  referred  to,  and  had  thus  discomfited  all  the  Pansophista?, 
better  than  any  modern  Deipnosophist  could  have  done.  But  my 
father  said  no;  he  had  never  even  heard  of  the  gentleman  with  the 
hard  name  to  crack,  and  as  to  them  Prophesiers,  they  ought  to  have 
prophesied  what  his  clots  was,  before  tumbling  into  them.  He  ought 
to  have  an  action  of  trespass  against  them;  and,  but  for  the  law,  he 
would  do  so. 

To  make  it  quite  certain  that  no  man  of  science  should  analyze, 
synthesize,  generalize,  or  in  any  way  scientize  me,  I  was  now  pro- 
vided with  a  guardian,  intrepid  of  neologisms  ten  yards  long.  The 
father  of  our  Bill  Chumps,  Mr.  Chumps,  the  purveyor  of  meat,  was 
the  owner  of  a  dog  who  was  the  father  of  a  pup  who  was  threat- 
ening every  day  to  make  mincemeat  of  the  author  of  his  existence. 


26  TOMMY  UPMORE. 

The  old  dog  might  have  tackled  him,  Bill  told  me,  or,  at  any  rate, 
could  have  shown  a  good  turn-up,  but  for  having  broken  his  best 
fighting-tooth  on  the  spiked  collar  of  the  last  mastiff  he  had  slain. 
Through  this  disability  on  the  part  of  old  Fangs  he  found  his  son 
Grip  too  many  for  him,  yet  could  not  be  brought  to  confess  it,  and 
abstain  from  a  battle  at  every  opportunity.  These  encounters  in 
nowise  disturbed  Mr.  Chumps,  but  became  inconvenient  to  Mrs. 
Chumps,  when  she  heard  the  piano  (which  had  cost  £10,  for  her 
daughter  Belinda  to  learn  her  scales)  upset  and  entirely  demolished. 
If  it  had  been  possible  to  hang  Grip,  hanged  he  would  have  been 
that  very  day;  for  the  mistress  had  nursed  Fangs  through  his  dis- 
temper, and  never  would  listen  to  a  word  against  him.  Whereas 
the  whole  fault  was  upon  the  side  of  Fangs;  of  which  I  am  quite 
certain  from  the  character  of  Grip,  as  it  unfolded  itself  before  me 
when  he  became  my  own  dear  dog. 

Providentially,  their  attempt  to  hang  him  had  proved  a  miserable 
failure.  Not  that  he  resisted — he  was  too  docile  and  kind  and  in- 
telligent to  do  that — but  because  his  neck  was  much  too  thick  and 
manifold,  and  his  wind  too  good,  for  any  rope  to  be  of  much  account 
to  him.  And  before  they  could  try  any  other  form  of  murder  his 
master  came  home  and  made  short  work  with  them,  knowing  the 
superiority  of  the  dog.  Now,  that  same  evening,  the  day  being 
Monday,  the  very  choice  club  to  which  he  and  my  father  and  Mr. 
John  Windsor  belonged,  as  well  as  the  largest  potato-man  at  King's 
Cross,  and  the  owner  of  the  Indigo-blue  concern,  and  the  most  emi- 
nent merchant  in  the  cat's-meat  line,  and  several  other  gentlemen  of 
equal  distinction, held  their  bi-daily  congress  at  "The  Best  End  of  tJie 
Scrag,"  at  the  corner. 

That  night  there  was  a  very  fine  attendance ;  and  my  father,  who 
had  long  been  acknowledged  to  be  the  wittiest  man  on  our  side  of 
the  road — perhaps  because  he  got  no  chance  at  home  to  say  what 
came  inside  him — upon  this  occasion  was  compelled,  by  the  nat- 
ure of  some  of  the  smells  he  had  gone  through,  to  be  at  his  best,  as 
he  generally  was  after  not  less  than  two  glasses  and  a  half.  And  he 
told  the  adventure  of  the  four  professors,  not  as  a  sad  and  deplora- 
ble thing,  but  rather  as  matter  for  merriment.  In  such  a  light  did 
he  put  it  that  all  the  gentlemen  laughed  heartily,  most  of  all  Mr. 
John  Windsor,  who  knew,  even  better  than  my  father  did,  the  variety 
of  organic  substance  active  in  that  pit  just  then. 

"  There's  things  there,"  he  said,  "to  my  living  knowledge,  that'll 
never  come  out  of  their  hair  while  they  live.  And  those  big  Savage- 
Johns  always  have  long  hair,  and  as  fuzzy  as  a  cat  stroked  upward. 
Why,  the  very  last  Friday,  when  I  was  a-cooling,  a  pair  of  them 


TOMMY   UPMOUl-:.  27 

comes  with  a  brazen  machine,  and  asked  me,  as  quiet  as  a  statue, 
permission  for  to  taste  my  follet  oils.  I  up  with  the  wooden  spoon 
and  offered  them  a  drop,  but  that  was  not  their  meaning.  It  was 
som'at  about  som'at  we  gives  off,  according  to  them  philanderers. 
And  I  says,  'Government  inquiry,  gents?'  And  they  says,  'No, 
sir;  but  for  purposes  of  science.'  'Tell  me,'  says  I,  'what  the  con- 
stitootion  is  of  this  here  clot?'  and  they  said  'Composite  organic* 
something;  while  my  composites  all  was  upon  the  upper  floor,  and 
never  a  hurdy-gurdy  allowed  inside.  'So  much  for  science!'  says 
I;  'Jim,  show  these  gentlemen  out  by  the  back -alley  door.'  And 
now  that  you  come  to  discourse  of  it,  Bubbly,  it  strikes  me  they 
might  have  come,  very  likely,  smelling  up  a  side-wind  for  your  poor 
Tommy." 

"I  should  hope  they  have  had  enough  of  that,"  said  father;  "if 
they  come  any  more,  I'll  boil  them  down,  and  make  '  Science  -  sauce 
for  the  million.'  How  would  you  like,  John,  to  pay  your  money, 
and  get  no  change  out  of  it,  along  of  such  a  lot?" 

"You  mean,  the  missus,"  Mr.  Windsor  asked,  "won't  allow 
Thistledown,  as  my  Jack  calls  him,  to  go  to  '  Old  Rum's '  any  more, 
I  suppose?  Afraid  of  the  ladies  Mr.  Upmore  is." 

"  I'll  tell  you  what  to  do,"  Mr.  Chumps  broke  in;  "  Upmore,  you 
buy  my  young  dog  Grip.  I'd  give  him  to  you  with  all  my  heart,  if 
it  wasn't  for  the  bad  luck  of  it;  though  he  is  worth  ten  guineas  of 
anybody's  money,  for  he  comes  of  the  best  blood  in  England.  Down- 
right House  of  Lords  bulldog  he  is;  same  as  should  be  chained  to  the 
pillars  of  the  state,  to  keep  them  Glads  and  Rads  away.  Just  you 
put  him  in  charge  of  Thistledown — or  whatever  you  call  that  little 
yellow-haired  chap — and  I'll  back  Grip  against  all  the  science  that 
ever  made  a  pint  contain  a  pot." 

"AY  hat's  the  figure?"  my  father  asked,  knowing  how  generously 
all  men  talk,  and  that  Mr.  Chumps's  bulldogs  were  a  fashionable 
race. 

"  If  you  was  to  offer  me  more  than  a  crown,"  replied  Mr.  Chumps, 
with  his  fist  on  the  table,  "I  should  say,  'Bubbly,  he's  no  dog  of 
yours,  because  you  desire  to  insult  me.'  But  put  you  down  a  crown, 
as  between  old  friends,  and  before  this  honorable  company  I  say, 
'  Bucephalus  Upmore,  Grip  is  your  dog.'  Why  so?  John  Windsor 
here  knows  why,  and  so  does  Harry  Peelings  from  King's  Cross,  and 
so  does  Bill  Blewiit,  and  Sandy  Mewliver,  and  all  this  honorable 
company.  And  so  do  you,  Bubbly  Upmore,  if  you  arc  the  man  I 
have  taken  you  for.  Gentlemen,  it  i^  Ixvause  Mr.  Upmore  has  told 
the  best  story  I  have  sat  and  listened  to  ever  MIUV  la>t  election  day; 
he  digged  a  pit  for  his  enemies  in  the  gate,  and  they  fell  into  it  them- 


28  TOMMY  UPMORE. 

selves;  as  well  as  because  my  son,  Bill  Chumps,  who  will  make  his 
mark,  mind  you,  if  you  live  to  see  it,  has  taken  a  liking  to  this  gentle- 
man's son,  Thistledown,  or  Bubble-blow,  or  Up-goes-the-donkey — 
they've  got  at  least  fifty  names  for  him — and  in  my  humble  opinion 
he  must  be  protected  from  the  outrages  of  all  those  fellows,  philo- 
this,  and  anti-that — my  son  Bill  knows  their  names,  and  all  about 
them — who  have  made  the  world  a  deal  too  clever  for  a  quiet  man's 
comfort. " 

These  very  simple  and  sensible  words  were  received  with  much 
knocking  on  the  table;  and  my  father  put  down  his  five-shilling 
piece,  so  that  all  the  other  gentlemen  had  time  to  see  it,  before  they 
began  talking,  as  the  subject  compelled  them  to  do,  of  the  merits  of 
their  children,  respectively,  severally,  and  all  together.  And  they 
parted  in  thorough  good-will,  inasmuch  as  not  anybody  listened  to 
anybody  else. 

My  father's  opinion,  at  the  time,  had  been  that  the  warmth  of  Mr. 
Chumps's  political  and  social  feelings  (promoted  by  the  comforts  of 
the  club)  had  hurried  him  into  a  disregard  of  money  which  his 
friends  should  never  lose  a  moment  to  improve.  But  when  the 
journeyman  came  over  in  the  morning,  on  his  way  to  the  Parthene- 
ion,  with  Grip  trotting  chained  at  the  tail  of  the  cart,  my  father 
cried: 

"What!  Has  Chumps  no  more  conscience  than  to  impose  upon 
a  friend  like  this?  I,  who  have  known  him  all  these  years,  to  pay  as 
good  a  crown-piece  as  was  ever  coined,  for  a  one-eyed,  nick-eared, 
hare-lipped,  broken-tailed  son  of  a  [female  dog]  like  that!  Gristles, 
you  go  back,  and  tell  your  master  that  you  saw  me  put  an  ounce  of 
lead  through  him." 

My  father  strode  in  to  fetch  his  gun,  which  he  kept  wTell-charged 
in  the  clock-case  now,  for  the  sake  of  so  many  professors  ;  and  Grip, 
for  a  surety,  would  have  been  dead,  and  boiling,  in  less  than  five 
minutes,  except  for  his  luck.  His  luck  was  that  I,  being  under  de- 
bate between  my  two  parents,  had  slipped  out  of  doors,  being  old 
enough  now  by  experience  to  know  that  they  took  the  kindest  view 
of  me  when  I  was  out  of  sight ;  and  coming  round  the  corner,  to 
peep  in  at  the  window,  just  to  see  whether  they  had  settled  my  con- 
cerns, there  I  saw  this  poor  dog — hideous,  they  might  call  him— 
doubtfully  glancing  in  every  direction,  dimly  aware  that  the  world 
was  against  him,  scenting  the  death  of  a  dog  in  the  air.  One  of  his 
eyes  was  out  of  sight  and  one  of  his  ears  was  in  need  of  a  sling,  his 
tail  (which  had  lately  been  cracked  by  his  father)  hung  limp  in  the 
dust  with  a  pitiable  wag,  and  every  hair  on  his  body  was  turned  the 
wrong  way.  His  self-respect  had  suffered  a  tremendous  blow  by 


TOMMY  UP  MO  RE.  29 

the  effort  of  mankind  to  hang  him  yesterday,  and  by  dragging  at  the 
tail  of  a  cart  to-day;  and,  as  sure  as  dogs  are  dogs,  he  was  aware  of 
the  awful  decision  against  him. 

Gristles  was  a  hard  man,  and  would  not  say  a  word  to  comfort  or 
to  plead  for  him,  having  got  a  little  snap  from  him  a  month  or  two 
ago  ;  so  he  looked  down  over  the  back  of  the  cart,  and  whistled 
"  Pop  goes  the  Weasel,"  while  the  poor  dog  implored  him,  with 
all  his  one  eye  full  of  wistful  inquiry,  what  harm  he  had  done. 

"All  right,  guv'nor,"  shouted  Gristles,  as  my  father  came  forth 
with  his  big  double-barrel ;  "my  mare  will  stand  fire  like  a  church. 
But,  mind  you,  it  ain't  no  good  to  shoot  at  his  head  with  nothing  no 
smaller  than  a  dockyard  cannon.  Have  at  his  heart,  where  you  sees 
him  now  a-panting;  but  for  God's  sake,  guv'nor,  don't  shoot  me!" 

That  fellow's  cowardly  cruelty  made  my  father  relent,  for  his 
heart  was  kind;  and  before  he  could  put  up  his  gun  again  I  was 
lying  upon  Grip,  and  hugging  him.  The  unfortunate  dog,  for  his 
last  resource,  had  appealed  to  the  only  weak  face  he  could  find,  and 
my  own  fright  enabled  me  to  enter  into  his. 

"  You  little  fool,  Tommy,  get  out  of  the  way,"  my  father  shouted; 
but  I  would  not  budge,  and  Grip  put  his  quivering  tongue  out  and 
licked  my  cheek,  and  besought  me  with  a  little  speech  of  whine. 

"  Very  well,"  said  my  father,  being  glad  of  an  excuse  for  a  milder 
course,  as  his  wrath  went  down,  and  knowing  that,  if  he  did  this 
thing,  Mr.  Chumps  would  never  look  at  him  again,  which  would 
cost  him  as  much  as  £20  a  year;  "very  well,  Tommy,  if  you  like 
the  brute  you  shall  have  him,  and  I  hope  he  will  be  grateful  to  you. 
Gristles,  here's  half-a-crown  for  you,  and  you  need  not  tell  your 
master  what  I  said— only  that  I  seemed  a  little  disappointed  with  the 
first  appearance  of  the  dog;  which  is  rather  a  good  fault,  you  know, 
in  a  dog  who  has  got  to  keep  off  strangers;  and  my  compliments. 
and  I  begin  to  feel  sure  that  Grip  will  soon  begin  to  grow  upon  us." 

This  prophecy  was  fulfilled  right  well,  so  far  as  my  mo. her  and 
self  were  concerned,  and  even  my  father  grew  fond  of  Grip,  as  soon 
as  he  found  what  a  wonder  he  was;  but  the  dog,  while  regarding 
him  with  deep  respect,  could  never  forgive  his  own  narrow  escape, 
any  more  than  forget  my  timely  aid — for  his  memory  was  as  tena- 
cious as  his  teeth.  On  me  the  dog  fastened  his  strong  heart  at  once, 
with  an  attachment  more  than  dogged,  making  the  best  of  whatever 
1  did,  expecting  no  credit  for  his  own  good  works,  humbly  and 
heartily  wagging  his  tail  for  the  mere  hope  of  a  kind  word  or  look. 

And,  after  a  little  while,  no  one  who  knew  him — at  least,  if  he  were 
any  judge  of  a  dog — could  consider  him  ugly,  from  a  proper  poirt 
of  view,  and  without  any  personal  feeling.  For  his  eye,  that  had 


30  TOMMY  VPMORE. 

seemed  to  be  gone,  came  back,  so  as  nearly  to  agree  with  the  other 
one,  yet  working  enough  on  its  own  account  to  redouble  his  power 
of  expression ;  while  his  tail  (being  oiled  and  done  up  with  bell- wire) 
returned  to  its  natural  tendency;  and  as  for  his  ear,  of  a  gingery  yel- 
low, the  color  was  so  rich  that  it  wanted  shading,  and  gained  it  by 
having  a  division  introduced.  So  that  on  the  whole  he  had  suc- 
ceeded, without  any  serious  damage  to  himself,  in  impressing  the 
main  principle  of  the  present  age — that  of  parental  submission  to 
the  child. 

Now,  when  I  appeared  at  the  Partheneion,  under  convoy  of  this 
gallant  animal,  Dr.  Rumbelow  scarcely  knew  what  to  do.  After 
looking  at  Grip  with  some  surprise,  he  fired  a  strong  volley  of 
quotations  at  him;  but  the  dog  moved  never  a  tail-point  for  them, 
and,  instead  of  being  frightened,  he  would  not  even  blink,  but  gazed 
at  them  calmly,  as  much  as  to  say,  "There  is  not  a  pinch  of  shot 
in  the  whole  of  them." 

The  doctor,  though  one  of  the  bravest  of  mankind,  could  not  re- 
turn his  gaze  with  equal  largeness  and  frank  placidity  of  criticism, 
but  shouted  for  Mercury,  his  page,  and  bade  him  remember  the 
glorious  day  whereon  he  slew  the  monster  Argus.  Bob  Jackson, 
failing  to  recall  that  date,  looked  as  if  he  would  rather  keep  aloof 
from  Grip,  who  opened  his  nostrils,  and  curled  up  his  lips,  and  shot 
fire  out  of  his  discordant  eyes. 

"Good  doggie,  good  doggie,  poor  fellow,"  said  the  page,  in  a 
tenderly  condescending  tone,  while  approaching  sideways  gingerly ; 
"if  he  is  a  very  good  doggie  he  shall  have  this  beautiful  collar  to 
wear — oh,  lor!" 

He  was  lying  on  his  back,  with  Grip  standing  across  him,  but 
scarcely  thinking  it  worth  while  to  bite  him  unless  he  should  en- 
deavor to  make  escape.  "Fetch  me  the  big  cane  labelled  No.  1," 
the  doctor  shouted,  valiantly,  ' '  the  father  of  all  canes,  the  rhopalos, 
which  has  warmed  the  back  of  a  prime-minister.  With  that  will  I 
rescue  my  Hermes,  though  the  Hydra  herself  stand  over  him." 

"No,  sir;  no,  sir;  for  God's  sake  don't  go  near  him,"  cried  Bill 
Chumps,  running  up  the  play-ground;  "  Grip  can  beat  any  two  men 
in  the  world,  because  no  blow  can  hurt  him.  Leave  him  to  me,  sir; 
I  understand  him,  and  he  knows  me  well  enough,  though  he  never 
took  to  me,  somehow  or  other,  as  his  dear  old  father  does.  He  has 
taken  wonderfully  to  Fly  Tommy.  Somebody  come  and  give 
Tommy  a  good  whack. " 

Of  the  many  brave  boys  who  had  rejoiced  in  doing  this,  even 
without  instigation,  last  week,  there  was  not  one  who  would  now 
discharge  this  duty,  for  the  public  weal.  "  Why  should  I  hit  him?" 


TOMMY   UP  MORE.  31 

said  boy  after  boy,  who  said  last  week,  "Why  shouldn't  I?"  "  I 
am  a  deal  too  fond  of  poor  Tommy  for  that.  Hit  him  yourself,  if 
you  want  him  hit." 

"  So  I  will,  then,  you  pack  of  dirty  cowards, "  answered  Chumps, be- 
in-:  put  upon  his  mettle,  though  he  told  me  afterwards  that  he  was  in 
a  horrid  funk:  and  he  gave  me  at  once  a  good,  sounding  smack,  on  a 
part  of  my  body  that  was  covered  writh  material  warranted  to  wear, 
and  having  three  stout  seams  with  a  piece  to  let  out.  Before  the 
echo  of  the  five's-court  ceased,  Grip  was  between  us,  looking  up  at 
me,  as  if  to  ask,  "  What  am  I  to  do?"  doubting  in  his  mind  whether 
justice  would  allow  him  to  wage  war  against  his  late  master's  son. 

"  Worthy  is  he  to  be  piled  with  praise — not  cumulari,  but  qui  cu- 
inuktur,  boys  of  the  second  form,  observe — inasmuch  as  he  has  not 
doubted  to  encounter,  singly  or  in  maniple,  all  the  foes  of  the  pusill 
committed  to  his  charge.  Great  is  the  manhood  of  this  dog;  and 
yet  it  somewhat  repenteth  me  that,  provoked  by  the  wanton  assaults 
of  science  upon  the  sweet  retirement  of  the  Muses,  I  have  promised 
him  the  tub  and  the  collar  and  the  bowl  of  the  deceased,  and  per- 
haps now  constellated,  animal  Heracles  Poikilostiktos.  Mercury, 
brush  thy  pulverulent  petasus,  and,  with  the  aid  of  thy  lyre,  or  that 
of  the  ever  ready-minded  Chumps,  condifct  this  formidable  animal 
to  the  many-strewn  couch  prepared  for  him.  Partheneionida,  the 
hour  has  struck.  With  grateful  ardor  let  us  hasten  to  the  banquet 
of  the  mind  provided  for  us  by  the  generous  wisdom  of  the  men  of 
old." 

With  these  words,  our  great  master  strode  to  the  school-room 
door;  and  we  (his  children  and  the  fruit  of  his  cane)  looked  vainly 
for  chance  of  escape  from  work.  Then,  with  as  much  of  a  sigh  as 
childhood  yet  has  learned  from  nature's  book,  we  followed  the  learn- 
ed steps  a  far,  with  two  for  one  in  length,  but  only  one  for  two  in 
speed,  I  ween. 


CHAPTER  VI. 

TRUE    SCIENCE. 

FOR  some  years  now  I  had  a  quiet  time,  increasing  in  knowledge 
very  gradually,  but  as  fast  as  my  teachers  thought  needful.  For  the 
only  true  way  to  get  on  in  learning  is,  not  to  be  in  too  much  of  a 
hurry,  counting  every  step,  and  losing  breath,  and  panting  into  vio- 
lence of  perspiration;  but,  rather,  to  take  as  the  will  of  the  Lord 
whatever  gets  carried  into  us,  allowing  it  to  settle,  and  breed  inside, 
with  the  heip  of  imagination.  Under  the  steadfast  care  of  Grip,  and 


32  TOMMY  UPMORE. 

furtherance  of  Dr.  Rumbclow,  I  advanced  pretty  fairly  in  fine  ac- 
quirements, which  have  proved,  once  or  twice,  to  be  serviceable. 

To  me,  and  to  all  the  school,  and,  indeed,  a  considerable  number 
of  the  houses  around,  it  was  a  sad  and  bitter  day  when  William 
Chumps,  Esquire — for  that  was  his  proper  style  now,  under  stamp 
(as  he  showed  us)  of  several  letters — was  at  last  compelled  to  say 
farewell  to  the  Pariheneion,  and  the  whole  of  us.  He  had  been 
elected  to  a  scholarship,  founded  for  that  purpose  by  his  father,  at 
the  Partlieneion,  to  the  amount  of  five  shillings  a  week  for  three 
years,  as  a  tribute  to  humane  letters,  and  the  many  good  contracts 
for  meat  Mr.  Chumps  had  performed.  And  Bill  was  to  take  it  to 
Oxford,  and  perhaps,  when  the  "Chumps  Scholarship"  became 
talked  about,  obtain  some  good  orders  to  supply  his  college;  for  a 
great  deal  of  meat  is  consumed  in  Hall. 

"  Tommy,"  said  Bill,  the  very  day  he  was  to  leave,  when  he  saw 
me  crying  about  his  departure,  for  he  always  had  been  so  good  to 
me,  "keep  up  your  spirits,  young  fellow,  and  don't  blub.  The 
fault  of  your  nature  is,  being  so  soft.  Now,  why  am  I  going  to  the 
grandest  old  place,  and  the  finest  young  fellows,  on  the  face  of  the 
earth?  Simply  because  I  have  got  so  much  pluck.  I  am  not  such 
a  wonderfully  clever  cove,  though  everybody  seems  to  think  so;  and 
I  have  plenty  to  learn  yet,  I  can  assure  you.  And,  of  course,  I 
know  well  enough  that  I  am  going  among  big  swells,  who  have  a 
right  to  be  swells,  not  snobs  from  the  Poultry  and  Mincing  Lane, 
such  as  used  to  try  to  snub  me  here.  But  do  you  think  I  have  a 
particle  of  funk?  Feel  the  muscle  in  my  arm,  Tommy." 

"Bill,"  I  replied,  "you  could  knock  them  all  down;  but,  when 
you  had  done  it,  there  would  be  fifty  more." 

"Tommy,  my  boy,  I  will  not  hurt  one  of  them,  unless  he  endeav- 
ors to  cock  over  me.  If  it  comes  to  any  fighting,  at  my  time  of  life, 
it  must  be  done  with  pistols.  But  my  mind  is  made  up  not  to  med- 
dle with  any  man,  unless  he  insults  me,  and  then  let  him  look  out. 
They  will  very  soon  discover  that  I  mean  to  be  a  gentleman,  although 
my  father  may  be  called  a  butcher ;  and  when  they  see  that,  if  they 
are  gentlemen  themselves,  they  will  be  very  glad  to  show  me  the 
way.  The  great  defect  of  your  character,  Tommy,  is,  that  you  have 
not  got  go  enough." 

"I  should  think  I  have  heard  enough  of  that,"  I  said;  "just  be- 
cause I  don't  want  to  fly,  to  please  you  chaps  that  cock  over  me. " 

"You  are  putting  the  cart  before  the  horse,"  replied  Chumps, 
having  taken  already  six  lessons  in  logic,  from  a  man  who  came  on 
purpose;  "you  have  an  extraordinary  gift  of  flying,  which  would 
make  your  fortune,  Tommy,  and  enable  your  father  to  leave  off  poi- 


TOMMY  UP  MO  RE.  33 

soning  the  public,  if  only  you  would  cultivate  it.  I  can  do  very 
good  Latin  elegiacs,  and  tidy  Greek  iambics,  and  run  a  mile  in  four 
minutes  and  three  quarters;  but  how  many  years  might  I  hammer 
at  all  that,  and  scarcely  turn  a  sixpence?  But  you — you  have  only 
to  put  on  your  wings,  and  astonish  all  the  North  of  London.  If  I 
had  only  got  your  turn  for  flying,  with  my  own  for  the  classics,  and 
for  going  to  the  top,  I  tell  you  what  it  is,  Tommy  Upmore,  in  ten 
years  I'd  be  the  prime-minister  of  England." 

My  own  opinion  was  that,  without  any  flying,  Bill  would  arrive 
at  the  top  of  the  tree  in  about  five  years,  which  was  a  long  time  yet 
for  any  one  to  look  forward  to ;  and  thinking  so  much  of  him  now, 
and  grieving  so  deeply  for  the  loss  of  him,  I  allowed  his  words  to 
sink  into  my  mind  as  they  never  had  done  before.  Hitherto  I  had 
been  inclined  to  think,  if  ever  I  thought  about  it,  that  my  want  of 
proper  adhesion  to  the  ground  was  a  plague  to  me,  and  no  benefit. 
My  father  treated  it  as  a  thing  to  laugh  at  and  to  disbelieve  in  ;  my 
mother  was  afraid  that  I  never  might  come  down  within  her  reach, 
and  the  same  as  I  went  up ;  while  the  rest  of  the  world  was  content  to 
take  it  entirely  from  a  selfish  point  of  view,  as  a  question  of  science, 
or  of  low  curiosity. 

But,  before  we  could  say  any  more  about  that,  "Old  Rum,"  as 
we  called  him,  came  into  the  hall,  where  Chumps  was  waiting  with 
his  boxes,  for  his  father's  meat-van  to  fetch  them.  The  doctor  had 
already  said  farewell  to  Bill  before  all  the  school,  and  as  a  public 
essay ;  but  now  he  came  to  say  good-bye,  and  to  give  him  a  few  kind 
words,  with  a  friendly  heart.  Bill  was  as  tall  as  his  master  now,  be- 
ing an  exceedingly  strapping  fellow,  and  thoroughly  thriven  on  the 
marrow  of  the  ox ;  but  when  the  doctor  took  his  hand,  and  spoke  to 
him  in  a  low,  soft  voice,  without  any  Latin  turn  in  it,  the  cup  of 
Bill's  feelings  began  to  run  over,  and  I  ran  away,  not  to  look  at  it. 

Here,  in  a  passage,  as  facts  would  have  it,  with  my  eyes  full  of 
tears  and  shadow,  I  ran  into  the  arms,  or  legs,  of  a  strong,  hard 
man.  Hard  in  the  matter  of  bones,  I  mean,  and  the  absence  of  any 
fat  about  him,  but  as  soft  and  tender  in  heart  and  vein  as  anything 
he  had  ever  dissected. 

"Why,  Tommy!  It  is,  indeed,  our  Tommy!"  said  Professor 
Megalow.  "  Prolepsis  of  our  race,  what  trouble  is  upon  you?" 

"Oh,  sir,"  cried  I, "  if  you  could  only  stop  Bill  Chumps  from  going 
away  from  us.  The  place  will  be  nothing  after  he  is  gone,  and  no- 
body will  want  to  stop  here.  Whatever  you  order  is  sure  to  be  done. " 

"  Well."  said  the  professor,  as  he  lifted  me  up,  and  looked  at  me 
kindly  with  his  large,  calm  eyes,  "I  have  come  a  long  way  to  make 
that  discovery;  and  I  wish  it  were  so  in  Great  Russell  Stn 

3 


34  TOMMY   UPMORE. 

He  was  thinking  of  his  labors,  and  forgetting  a  far  more  impor- 
tant matter,  in  our  eyes — the  two  half-holidays  procured  for  us, 
when  he  thought  that  we  seemed  to  require  them.  For  now  his  own 
knowledge  and  accuracy,  simplicity,  gentleness,  and  playful  humor 
had  won  the  warm  friendship  of  our  Dr.  Rumbelow,  who  seldom 
caned  any  of  us  now,  except  for  lying.  For  my  part,  I  loved  this 
kind  gentleman,  and  grieved  that  he  had  not  once  asked  me  to  fly 
for  him. 

"  My  friend,  you  are  often  in  my  thoughts,"  he  said,  as  if  he  knew 
all  that  was  passing  in  my  mind ;  "let  us  sit  down  awhile  in  this 
quiet  corner,  and  consider  a  highly  scientific  case,  which  happens  to 
be  in  my  pocket." 

Smiling  at  the  fright  his  words  had  caused,  he  drew  forth  a  pretty 
little  globular  box,  yellow,  pellucid,  and  inlaid  with  stars  of  gold; 
and  this  he  held  so  that  the  light  of  the  sun  glanced  through  it,  illu- 
minating things  inside  that  danced  with  color — purple  and  orange 
and  rosy  red.  I  pulled  out  my  handkerchief  and  dried  my  eyes, 
and  pushed  back  my  curls,  for  a  hearty,  good  stare. 

"Tommy,  your  mind  is  of  a  wholesome  type,"  said  the  great  pro- 
fessor, pleasantly ; ' '  brief  should  be  the  pangs  of  youthful  woe.  And 
they  are  all  good  to  eat,  Tommy;  and,  as  you  suck  them,  you  can 
pull  them  out  of  your  mouth,  and  see  the  sun  shine  through,  and 
then  put  them  back,  and  find  them  ever  so  much  sweeter." 

"Oh,  but  I  can't  get  at  them,  sir!  What  good  can  they  be,  if  I 
can't  get  at  them?" 

"Your  reasoning  is  wonderfully  sound  and  good,  from  its  own 
point  of  view,"  he  answered.  "  But  get  at  them,  Tommy,  and  they 
shall  be  yours;  you  shall  have  box  and  all,  if  you  open  it." 

This  was  very  hard  upon  me ;  for  I  had  no  more  chance  of  open- 
ing it  than  of  flying  in  the  air,  as  people  say,  and,  indeed,  according 
to  my  gifts,  much  less.  In  vain  I  pulled  and  squeezed  and  pressed, 
examined  every  part  of  it,  and  then  worked  away  again,  screwing 
up  my  lips  and  eyes  so  sternly  that  the  professor  could  not  help 
laughing.  And  the  worst  of  it  was,  that  the  more  I  labored,  the 
greater  the  temptation  of  the  inside  grew,  everything  dancing 
with  a  play  of  colors  glorious  to  see,  and  feel  that  all  was  good  to 
eat. 

"Oh,  sir,  I  can't,  I  can't  get  at  them;  do  please  to  show  me  the 
way,  sir,"  I  cried;  for,  truly,  it  was  enough  to  make  me  cry. 

"My  boy,"  said  the  professor,  looking  gravely  at  me,  and  seem- 
ing to  wink  with  one  large,  clear  eye,  though  it  was  not  a  wink, 
but,  rather,  the  effect  of  a  most  sagacious  and  delightful  nod,  "I 
have  long  anticipated  that  result.  It  is  always  agreeable  to  find 


TOMMY  UPMORE.  35 

one's  prognosis  confirmed  by  events,  though  they  often  fail  to  do  it. 
No  one  has  found  out  the  secret  of  this  box,  though  very  clever  men 
have  striven  at  it,  and  among  them  three  noted  puzzle-makers.  Per- 
fect simplicity  is  deeper  than  any  depth  of  complexity.  Tommy, 
behold,  and  with  good-will  devour.  Ha,  a  practical,  rather  than  a 
theoretic,  mind!" 

Perhaps  he  made  that  observation  because,  without  stopping  to 
ask  how  the  box  came  open,  I  fell  to  at  once  upon  its  choice  con- 
tents. The  flavor  was  altogether  new  to  me,  and  wonderfully  fine 
and  penetrating,  leaving  no  part  of  the  mouth  in  idleness,  and  warm- 
ing the  entire  length  of  throat  with  hope.  At  the  same  time,  these 
goodies  had  just  enough  about  them  of  roughness  to  compel  the 
tongue  to  stop,  and  invite  it  to  dwell  upon  their  surface  gently, 
equably,  earnestly,  and  with  much  delight,  refraining  from  speech, 
while  thus  better  employed. 

"Ah!"  said  the  professor,  and  one  "ah"  of  his  contained  all  the 
fulness  of  three  volumes;  "Tommy,  be  just,  and  consider  them 
fairly.  They  are  made  from  my  own  design,  and  stamped  with  cu- 
neiform —ah,  I  see  it  now  I  The  young  mind  is  plagued  so  with  an- 
cient tongues,  that  the  young  tongue  rejoices  in  demolishing  their 
symbols.  By  taking  a  patent  for  this  design,  I  might  get  on  better 
than  by  building  dragons.  But  let  us  return  to  our  point,  my  good 
Tommy." 

As  he  spoke,  he  was  setting  against  one  another  the  tips  of  his 
long  middle  fingers,  which  I  took  for  the  point  to  be  returned  to, 
and  said,  "  Yes,  sir;  if  you  please,  sir." 

"My  young  friend,  I  take  it  that  the  point  from  which  we  have 
allowed  our  minds  to  be  pleasantly  diverted  is,  whether  you  will 
allow  me  just  to  give  you  a  lift  in  the  air — a  very  gentle  lift;  not  for 
any  scientific  view  whatever,  but  only  for  a  little  satisfaction  to  my- 
self. If,  from  old  experience  of  professors,  you  have  any  misgiv- 
ings, say  so,  Tommy,  and  I  will  not  touch  you." 

"Oh,  sir,"  said  I,  with  my  mouth  running  over;  "don't  be  afraid, 
sir,  to  lift  me  where  you  like." 

At  this  good  encouragement  Professor  Megalow  nodded,  as  if  in 
pleasant  commune  with  himself,  and  then,  with  one  hand,  softly 
tossed  me  to  his  shoulder,  where  I  sat  very  nicely,  as  on  a  spring 
cushion  rather  than  a  feather  bed,  however.  Then  he  handed  me 
up  the  box,  which  I  put  between  my  knees,  and  began  to  sing,  ac- 
cording to  my  habit  when  contented  with  the  world. 

"Ah,"  said  the  professor,  as  he  walked  about  (having,  now  and 
then,  a  little  whistle  to  himself),  and  took  me  to  look  at  a  map  of 
mountains  (placed  at  a  mountainous  height  above  my  usual  level  of 


36  TOMMY  UPMORE. 

intelligence),  "Tommy,  this  is  very  good,  this  is  quite  delightful. 
Do  you  know  why  this  is  so  delightful,  little  Tommy?" 

"Yes,  sir,"  I  replied,  for  I  was  very  clever  then;  "it  is  jolly,  be- 
cause they  are  so  capital  to  suck." 

"Not  only  that,  Tommy;  although  I  am  perfectly  open  to  con- 
viction upon  that  point " — here  he  opened  his  mouth,  and  I  popped 
a  goody  in,  as  if  he  were  the  boy  and  I  the  celebrated  man — "but 
also  because,  my  most  generous  young  friend,  it  confirms  my  opinion, 
or,  in  finer  words,  my  theory.  Most  of  us,  as  we  get  older  and  older, 
grow  more  and  more  interested  in  ourselves.  Possibly  you  are  too 
young,  small  Tommy,  to  have  any  desire  as  yet  to  hear  an  empirical 
rather  than  a  scientific  opinion  about  your  peculiar,  but  not  alto- 
gether unparalleled,  case." 

"If  you  please,  sir,  to  say  anything  you  like.  And  I  won't  be 
afraid,  and  I  won't  tell  my  mother,  unless  you  are  sure  that  you 
would  not  be  afraid.  And  if  you  talk  as  plainly  as  you  did  just 
now,  I  will  try  to  make  out  what  the  meaning  is." 

Professor  Megalow  put  me  down,  with  a  gentle  clap  on  my  back, 
as  if  he  had  found  me  one  too  much  for  him.  And  then,  with  a 
jerk  of  his  prominent  chin,  and  a  rub  of  his  nose,  he  considered  me. 

And  while  he  was  doing  all  this,  such  a  smile  of  large  good-will 
illumined  us,  that  I  would  have  been  glad  to  be  dissected,  if  it  would 
please  him  and  not  hurt  much. 

The  only  thing  that  saddened  me  was  this — he  did  not  appear  to 
be  at  all  astonished  by  anything  discovered  in  me.  And  I  now 
called  to  mind  that  he  never  had  shown  any  special  excitement 
about  my  case,  as  all  the  other  scientific  men  had  done.  And  my 
mother  had  said  that  he  could  not  be  half  so  clever  as  his  reputation 
was,  because  of  his  letting  me  alone  so.  Though  perhaps  he  was 
paid  by  the  year  for  his  work,  and  the  others  by  the  job;  which 
would  account  for  everything.  That  may  have  been  so,  and  I 
thought  about  it  now,  and  concluded  (from  brief  observation  of  his 
hat)  that  he  only  got  his  money  at  the  end  of  the  year. 

"The  difference,"  said  the  professor  calmly,  with  a  glance  of  af- 
fection at  his  large-skulled  hat,  which  was  rolling  on  the  floor  with- 
out taking  any  harm,  "  according  to  my  very  humble  opinion,  is  not 
so  much  of  kind  as  of  degree,  my  Tommy.  It  has  long  been  well 
known  that  the  various  families  of  the  human  race — as  we  may  vent- 
ure still  to  call  it — differ  very  greatly  in  specific  gravity;  the  Celt, 
for  instance,  is  especially  heavy  in  proportion  to  his  size,  and  the 
Jute  the  opposite.  There  was,  I  believe,  an  exceptionally  light  and 
buoyant  race  in  North  America,  aboriginal,  so  far  as  we  know;  and 
the  lightest  member  of  that  race.  Tommy,  would  probably  have  cle- 


TOMMY   I' r MORE.  37 

spised  your  highest  flight.  At  the  same  time,  and  although  I  have 
met  with  a  case  of  almost  equal  levity — the  example  being,  I  regret 
to  say,  feminine — you  must  not  imagine  that  I  am  endeavoring  to 
disparage  your  exploits,  my  dear  Tommy.  Don't  cry,  my  dear  child ; 
I  had  no  idea  that  you  were  so  sensitive  upon  this  matter.  Your 
admirable  master  has  always  told  me  that  your  main  desire  is  to 
stop  upon  the  ground,  and  that  both  your  parents  wish  it.  You  nod 
your  head,  as  if  I  understood  your  feelings.  Then  why  are  your 
blue  eyes  full  of  tears?" 

' '  If  you  please,  sir,  I  wasn't  at  all  longing  to  go  up.  Only  I  didn't 
know  anybody  else  had  done  it.  And  I  sha'n't  care  to  go  up  any 
more,  after  that." 

"Well!"  cried  the  professor,  with  his  great,  rich  smile;  "human 
nature  has  no  exceptions  half  so  wonderful  as  its  laws  are.  My  good 
little  friend,  allow  me  to  comfort  you,  and  to  restore  your  self-re- 
spect. It  is  not  by  any  means  a  common  thing  for  members  of  the 
English  race  to  fly — excuse  me  for  using  the  popular  but  incorrect 
word  to  describe  your  exploits.  But  there  is  a  power  that  beats  you, 
Tommy,  in  your  own  province,  and  that  is  Time.  At  three  o'clock  I 
have  a  lecture  to  deliver  upon  your  antitype,  the  apteryx,  a  bird  that 
has  abdicated  the  rights  which  some  of  us  desire  to  usurp." 

"Oh,  sir,  do  let  me  come  and  hear  it,  if  Old  Rum  will  let  me  go. 
Bill  Cnumps  has  heard  you  lecture,  and  he  says — " 

"I  thank  him  heartily  for  his  approval," replied  the  professor,  at. 
the  same  time  showing  me  his  watch,  which  ticked  with  a  bullet 
upon  catgut;  "William  Chumps  is  a  fine  young  man,  with  a  great 
spirit  in  a  strong  body ;  and  I  would  ask  your  kind  master  to  let  you 
come,  if  I  thought  the  subject  good  for  you.  But,  my  dear  little 
fellow,  I  am  sure  that  it  is  not  so.  The  less  your  mind  runs  upon 
the  regions  of  the  air,  and  the  more  you  endeavor  to  bring  your 
body,  by  good  feeding,  exercise,  pleasant  sports,  and  moderate  la- 
bors, to  the  normal  specific  gravity,  the  better  it  will  be  for  your- 
self, and  your  parents,  whose  only  child  you  are.  And  I  venture  to 
differ  from  my  learned  brethren,  Professors  Brachipod  and  Jargoon, 
Chocolous  and  Mullicles,  in  thinking  that  it  will  be  no  worse  for 
the  interests  of  science.  Good-bye,  Tommy ;  you  may  keep  the  box 
as  a  souvenir  of  this  long  interview;  be  sure  that  you  eat  all  you  can 
of  good  meat,  solid  bread,  and  glutinous  material;  and  don't  swallow 
too  much  Latin  and  Greek,  which  tend  to  undue  elation.  If  you 
were  a  lazy  boy  I  should  not  tell  you  this;  but  I  hear  that  you  are 
an  ambitious  boy,  and  eager  to  learn  everything.  I  shall  observe 
you,  my  interesting  friend,  and  from  time  to  time  hint  to  your  learned 
master  any  trifle  that  escapes  the  unmedical  mind." 


38  TOMMY  UPMOEE. 

He  lifted  me  up,  and  kissed  my  forehead;  and  as  I  picked  up  his 
hat — a  trifle  which  had  escaped  his  universal  mind — and  by  jump- 
ing on  a  chair  clapped  it  on  his  mighty  head,  I  could  not  help  pay- 
ing him  the  usual  tribute  paid  at  his  departure — glistening  eyes,  that 
is  to  say,  and  a  smile  of  loving  wonder. 


CHAPTER  VII. 

THE  GREAT  WASHED. 

MY  father,  Bucephalus  Upmore,  had  been,  at  the  time  of  my  birth, 
a  Radical,  and  owed  his  conversion  from  loose  ideas  to  no  amount 
of  argument,  or  even  of  wider  observation,  but  to  a  little  accident. 
Upon  his  return,  one  winter  night,  from  a  meeting  in  St.  Pancras, 
not  only  of  a  liberal  but  a  wildly  generous  character,  somebody 
tripped  him  up,  and  stole  his  watch  and  purse  and  Sunday  hat.  A 
small  man  might  have  accepted  this  as  a  lesson  against  subversive 
views,  and  a  smaller  one  as  a  confirmation  of  them;  but  my  father 
was  not  of  that  sort.  His  practice  was  to  take  his  stand  upon  what 
he  considered  right,  and  allow  no  evidence  to  move  him  one  hair's 
breadth  from  the  true  conclusions  poured  into  him.  And  he  never 
read  anything  that  did  not  cap  and  solder  down  his  own  contents. 

This  had  made  his  life  thus  far  most  happy,  enabling  him  to  de- 
spise all  people  who  differed  in  any  way  from  him,  as  well  as  to 
enlarge  himself,  without  any  compulsion  to  pay  for  it.  And  he 
might  have  gone  on  in  this  easy  way,  calling  upon  the  people  be- 
hind him  to  rob  the  people  in  front  of  him,  if  he  had  not  undergone 
the  bad  luck  to  be  robbed  himself.  When  he  came  to  speak  of  this 
among  his  friends,  not  one  of  them  failed  to  express  deep  sorrow, 
and  to  assure  him  that  such  things  must  happen  whenever  the  Con- 
servatives were  in  office.  At  the  same  time  they  intimated  gently 
that  when  he  made  so  much  money  out  of  working-men,  it  served 
him  right  to  lose  some  of  it. 

His  feelings  were  hurt  by  this,  sometimes;  especially  when  the 
suggestion  came  from  gentlemen  who  had  attained  that  degree  by 
adulterating  the  victuals  of  the  working-man.  However,  he  smoth- 
ered his  common-sense,  as  the  first  duty  is  of  Liberals ;  till  his  body 
and  mind  came  thump  upon  a  stumbling-block,  and  no  mistake. 

Arising  in  a  vast  hall  of  Reform,  to  second  a  motion  that  all  men 
are  equal,  and  must  have  the  same  money  for  their  work  (whether 
they  do  it,  or  leave  it  undone)  and  must  not  do  more  than  six  hours 
in  a  day — for  fear  of  imparting  infection  to  the  rest — with  his  mouth 


TOMMY  UPMORE.  39 

full  of  reason,  and  his  heart  full  of  hope  [that  none  of  his  men 
might  be  there  to  hear  him],  my  dear  father  gave  a  stamp,  and  found 
it  fall  upon  something  soft  and  dull,  lie  felt  himself  more  at  home 
through  this,  having  so  much  soft  stuff  round  his  vats,  and  his  elo- 
quence mounted  to  full  swell,  till  he  wanted  to  jump  to  give  em- 
phasis. This  he  attempted  to  do,  with  a  clap  of  his  hands,  to  com- 
plete a  grand  sentence,  when  up  came  something  between  his  legs, 
and  got  stuck  on  the  top  of  his  highlows.  With  laudable  agil- 
ity my  father  stooped,  while  the  audience  cheered  lustily,  suppos- 
ing him  to  be  in  quest  of  some  word  big  enough  to  express  his 
sentiments. 

These,  however,  demanded  outlet  in  a  very  short  one,  when  he 
found  in  his  hand  his  own  lost  hat,  with  a  hole  in  the  brim  from 
the  stamp  of  his  heel,  and  the  crown  chock-full  of  heads  for  speech, 
and  demolitionist  statistics.  He  examined  his  hat,  and  descried 
B.  U.  just  in  under  the  tuck  of  the  lining,  where  a  Liberal  always 
puts  his  mark,  on  the  vote-by-ballot  principle. 

This  alone  was  enough  to  shake  his  confidence  in  his  party; 
though  all  the  gentlemen  around  him  looked  quite  incapable  of  do- 
ing anything.  And  he  might,  as  he  said  to  my  mother,  have  be- 
lieved that  his  old  hat  had  come  down  from  heaven,  if  only  his  new 
hat,  bought  last  Friday,  had  been  left  for  him  to  go  home  with. 
That,  however,  was  not  the  case;  his  new  hat  managed  to  leave 
that  great  assembly  upon  the  head  of  some  eminent  Liberal;  and 
my  father  went  home  with  his  old  hat  on,  greasy  and  dirty  and 
showing  signs  of  conflict,  but  containing  a  head  that  would  be  Rad- 
ical no  more. 

Now,  I  need  not  have  told  that  little  story — which  repeats  itself 
among  such  people  more  often  than  it  is  repeated — except  to  ex- 
plain what  it  was  that  took  us,  in  the  summer  holidays,  to  a  place 
called  "Happystowe-on-Sea."  It  appears  that  my  father  was  by 
no  means  satisfied  so  to  lose  his  hats — though,  in  truth,  it  was  no 
great  grievance,  thus  to  save  the  contents  at  the  cost  of  the  case — 
and,  like  a  thorough  Briton,  as  he  always  was,  he  determined  not  to 
get  the  worst  of  it.  Several  opportunities  for  reprisal  had  been  ill- 
lowed  to  escape  him,  when,  soon  after  Bill  Chumps  went  to  Oxford, 
there  came  among  us,  and  excited  our  principles,  a  contested  dic- 
tion for  Marylebone.  By  means  of  their  noble  organ i/at ion  the 
Liberals  knew  from  the  outset  that  the  battle  of  freedom  was  sun- 
to  be  won;  or,  as  our  people  put  it,  rank  bribery  and  corruption, 
truckling  and  swilling,  would  defeat  the  right.  Nevertheless,  a  just 
hope  was  entertained,  on  both  sides,  of  a  very  lively  contest,  and  a 
fair  occasion  (without  legal  intervention)  for  sounding  the  capacity 


40  TOMMY   UPMORE. 

of  an  adversary's  head.  My  father  was  flying  a  big  blue  flag, which 
we  could  see  from  the  Partheneion,  with  "Church  and  State  for- 
ever "  on  it ;  and  Mr.  John  Windsor,  and  Chumps  Esquire — as  we 
called  the  great  butcher  in  respect  of  his  son— and  "The  Best  End  of 
the  Scrag"  all  had  the  same;  and  only  a  man  who  knocked  horses 
on  the  head  durst  hang  out  the  red  rag,  up  our  lane. 

I  speak  of  this  only  as  a  circumstance  to  prove  that  our  neigh- 
borhood was  constitutional,  and  that  the  Radical  element,  however 
respectable  it  might  have  been  when  kept  at  home,  had  no  right 
whatever  to  come  invading  us,  and  desiring  to  trample  on  our  prin- 
ciples. They  knew  that  for  nearly  three  hundred  and  fifty  yards  the 
inhabitants  were  all  true-Blue,  beginning  with  the  indigo  factory  on 
the  south,  and  going  all  through  the  ash-heaps,  and  ending  with 
my  father.  But  in  the  wantonness  of  triumph,  when  their  majority 
was  posted  up  2000  [though  our  side  claimed  1500  in  front]  these 
"Demi-Cats" — as  Bill  had  sent  us  word  from  Oxford  to  entitle 
them,  and  so  we  did — must  needs  assemble  at  King's  Cross,  in  their 
thousands,  and  resolve  to  storm  every  Blue  house  in  Maiden  Lane. 

The  beginning  of  their  enterprise  was  most  glorious;  nothing 
could  stand  before  them.  They  broke  all  the  glass  that  had  a  blue 
flag  near  it,  and  they  knocked  down  every  man  who  had  got  blue 
eyes.  The  premises  of  Mr.  Chumps  were  sacked;  his  legs  of  mut- 
ton walked  off  as  if  they  were  alive,  and  his  salt  beef  was  stuck  on 
poles,  even  bigger  than  the  skewers  he  weighed  it  out  with;  every 
drop  in  the  cellars  of  the  Conservative  hotel  ran  uphill  inside  a  big. 
Radical,  and  Mr.  John  Windsor  lost  soap  enough  pretty  nearly  to 
clean  half  the  Liberals.  However,  he  contrived  to  get  over  a  back 
wall,  together  with  his  wife  and  daughter  Polly — Jack  was  luckily 
at  the  Partheneion,  and  the  other  four  gone  to  see  their  aunt,  with 
old  Fangs  to  protect  them  from  the  Liberals — and,  by  taking  an  in- 
and-out  way  through  the  cinders,  the  three  arrived  safely  at  our 
back  door,  without  breath  enough  to  blow  out  one  of  their  own 
dips. 

Till  now  my  father  had  scarcely  struck  a  blow  on  behalf  of  the 
constitution,  beyond  giving  his  vote,  and  knocking  down  a  man 
wrho  was  anxious  to  do  the  like  to  him;  but  now  it  did  seem  a  bit 
too  hard  that  the  Liberals  should  extinguish  thus  all  liberty  of 
opinion. 

"John,"  he  said  now,  as  he  brought  in  the  fugitives,  and  heard  a 
tremendous  noise  coming  up  the  lane,  ' '  this  is  what  I  call  coming 
it  too  strong.  Mrs.  Windsor,  ma'am,  you  are  all  of  a  tremble. 
Sophy,  get  whiskey  and  water,  at  once." 

"Bubbly, ".poor  Mr.  Windsor  gasped,  "this  is  most  kind  and  cor- 


TOMMY  UPMORE,  41 

dial  of  you.  My  dear,  you  require  a  stimulant,  however  much  you 
dislike  it.  But,  Upmore,  down  with  your  flag,  at  once !  Down 
with  your  flag,  that  the  fellows  may  go  by." 

"Oh,  yes,  Mr.  Upmore,"  implored  Mrs.  Windsor,  a  lady  of  a  most 
superior  kind;  "please  not  to  lose  a  moment  in  hauling  down  your 
it  is  flying  in  the  face  of  Providence.     Do  cut  the  ropes,  if  it 
won't  untie." 

"  Will  I?"  said  my  father,  and  his  face  took  on,  as  my  mother 
said  afterwards,  a  very  fine  expression;  "  lower  my  flag  to  the  scum 
of  the  earth!  Ladies,  go  down  to  the  cellar,  and  keep  quiet.  You 
will  have  no  one  here  while  my  flag  is  flying.  Mr.  Windsor  is  a 
man  of  high  spirit,  as  he  has  proved  many  times,  in  our  debates. 
He  and  I  will  go  to  the  boiling-house,  and  defend  the  true-Blue,  come 
what  will." 

My  mother  declares  that  Mr.  Windsor  was  going,  at  his  best  pace, 
to  the  cellar  stairs,  when  she  locked  him  out,  and  pulled  out  the 
key;  but  mother  was  always  severe  upon  him,  because  of  his  whole- 
sale ways,  ami  talk.  At  any  rate,  he  did  not  flag  or  fly,  although 
lit-  may  have  longed  to  do  so,  perhaps. 

"Now,  John,"  said  my  father,  as  he  took  his  arm,  to  confirm  his 
courage  (which  required  it),  and  led  him  down  the  red-tiled  passage 
to  the  boiling-house;  "you  have  had  a  great  many  good  laughs  at 
my  little  steam-engine,  haven't  you?  Very  well,  we'll  try  it  on  the 
'great  unwashed,'  if  there  happens  to  be  a  bit  of  fire  left.  My 
men  arc  all  away,  the  same  as  yours,  or  else  these  fellows  would 
not  come  to  sack  us.  I  gave  them  the  quarter  day  to  vote,  the  same 
as  you  did  with  yours;  and  mine  are  gone  the  right  color  to  a  man, 
I  do  believe.  But  I  happened  to  say,  '  Leave  a  little  steam  on ;'  and 
I  can  get  up  a  great  deal  in  ten  minutes,  and  the  blackguards  won't 
be  here  for  twenty.  They've  got  three  Blue  houses  yet  to  wreck, 
and  my  double  gates  will  keep  them  out  at  least  five  minutes." 

"I  see,  I  see  what  you  mean  to  do.  What  a  glorious  fellow  you 
are,  Bubbly!  I'll  go  half  the  waste  of  phleg." 

"Then  go  and  see  that  all  the  bolts  are  right,  while  I  get  up 
steam,  and  have  the  double  hose  ready." 

These  two  gallant  and  sturdy  boilers  very  soon  had  the  front  and 
back  gates  barred  and  bolted,  and  strengthened  with  struts  against 
the  stiles,  so  that  all  the  men  who  could  get  at  them  must  take  at 
least  live  minutes  to  get  through  them;  and  meanwhile  the  furnace 
of  the  little  eimine  wa<  beginning  to  roar,  and  the  steam  to  puff. 

"Capital!  I  call  this  lirst-rate  stoking,"  exclaimed  my  father,  as 
he  stopped  to  breathe.  "Now,  you  understand  the  hose,  John?  It 
is  only  three-inch  pipe,  and  therefore  as  handy  as  a  walking-stick. 


42  TOMMY  UPMORE. 

You  put  your  nozzle  upon  that  trestle,  commanding  the  back  doors, 
while  I  keep  ready  for  the  time  they  have  broken  the  front  gate 
down.  Vv'e  have  got  a  big  vat  of  hot  stuff  to  draw  from,  but  I 
don't  think  they'll  want  half  of  it," 

"Bubbly,  I  don't  seem  to  understand  it,"  said  Mr.  "Windsor,  who 
was  slow -headed,  and  losing  his  presence  of  mind,  perhaps  (al- 
though he  had  got  his  coat  off)  from  working  so  hard  while  he  was 
fat,  and  with  terrible  Liberal  screeches  already  arising  in  the  air 
above  the  rattle  of  the  gates;  "suppose,  my  dear  friend,  that  we 
killed  some  fellow?" 

"No  hope  of  that,"  said  my  father,  being  now  in  a  rancorous 
and  determined  frame;  "I  am  afraid  that  the  temperature  won't  be 
above  160°,  if  so  much;  and  it  cools  in  passing  through  the  air  too 
fast.  It  will  only  make  their  eyes  sharp  and  their  faces  clean,  as 
they  should  be  on  a  holiday.  No  white  feather,  John  Windsor, 
now.  Ah,  they've  fetched  the  blacksmith,  as  I  knew  they  would. 
Think  of  your  wife  and  children,  John,  and  of  the  British  Consti- 
tution. Things  must  be  come  to  a  very  pretty  pass  if  a  man  mayn't 
syringe  a  born  jackass — especially  when  the  jackass  kicks  his  gate 
in!" 

"In  for  a  penny,  then,  in  for  a  pound,"  his  brother  -  boiler  an- 
swered, with  his  courage  up;  "whatever  you  order  shall  be  done, 
friend  Bubbly.  This  vat  shall  run  away  before  I  do." 

"  I'll  go  bail  for  the  front  gate,  Johnny,  if  you'll  be  ready  for  the 
rear  attack,  supposing  they've  the  cheek  to  try  one.  This  engine 
works  a  double  hose,  you  see,  on  the  principle  of  a  well-coil.  Now, 
my  fine  fellows,  what  do  you  want  here?" 

The  blacksmith,  though  working  against  his  will — for  my  father 
always  paid  him  ready  money  —  had  prized  one  heavy  gate  off  its 
hinges,  and  the  other  was  swagging  to  fall  with  it. 

"  We  wants  you,  guv'nor,  and  your  bloody  flag,"  cried  the  leader 
cf  the  mob,  a  chimney-sweep. 

"B'iler,  b'iler;  we  wants  the  Tory  b'iler!"  cried  a  hundred  dirty 
fellows,  as  the  gates  crashed  in. 

"  Well,  and  you  shall  have  him,"  said  my  father,  who  was  stand- 
ing just  outside  the  slow-house  door,  with  the  nozzle  of  the  hose 
tucked  under  his  arm,  and  a  rod  in  his  right  hand  to  put  the  pressure 
on;  "if  you  come  a  yard  farther,  you  shall  taste  the  boiler.  Only, 
let  blacksmith  Grimes  get  out  of  the  way.  I  don't  wish  to  boil  a 
respectable  neighbor.  And  I  don't  want  to  boil  you,  unless  you  in- 
sist on  it." 

Not  only  Grimes,  but  a  great  many  others,  would  have  liked  to  get 
out  of  the  way  at  this;  but  the  bulk  of  the  tumult  behind  shoved  on, 


TOMMY  UPMORE.  43 

and  the  heads,  that  were  fain  to  hang  back,  got  jammed  up  in  front 
against  the  smash,  and  then  shot  over.  Father  just  waited  till  the 
chimney-sweep,  a  termagant  of  the  highest  rank,  was  hurraing  and 
waving  a  soot-brush,  and  then  he  let  go  hot  candles  at  them.  In  a 
long  white  column  flew  the  scalding  fluid,  spreading,  like  a  sheaf, 
when  it  met  their  faces,  and  coating  every  man  of  them  with  poi- 
sonous gray  froth.  No  man  could  swear,  for  his  mouth  was  bunged 
up;  and  no  man  could  strike,  for  his  arms  were  stuck  to  him  with 
a  weight  of  deposit  like  a  stalactite.  Good  stearine  it  was,  of  the 
value  of  at  least  three  half-pence  a  pound,  in  the  unrefined  state; 
and  it  went  inside  their  shirts,  and  stung  like  hornets,  and  settled 
into  every  cracked  place  of  the  skin,  and  made  a  man  tight  in  his 
linings.  And,  to  add  to  their  grief,  such  a  steam  arose  among  them 
— not  to  mention  something  else  beginning  with  same  letters — that 
the  slits  of  any  eyes  that  were  left  half  open  were  as  useless  as  in  a 
thick  London  fog. 

"There's  a  deal  more  to  come, "said  my  father,  calmly;  "noble 
reformers,  stand  shoulder  to  shoulder;  as  one  of  your  writers  has 
beautifully  said;  the  deeper  we  go,  the  more  strength  we  get." 

The  issue  is  told  in  a  ballad  written  that  same  night  at  "  The  Best 
End  of  the  Scrag,"  which — though  inspired  by  Liberal  ale,  for  "  The 
Scrag  "  had  not  a  drop  left  of  its  own,  and  was  obliged  to  send  across 
the  road  for  it — is  a  poem  of  high  merit ;  and  my  father  was  told 
upon  the  best  authority  that  the  poet,  from  first  to  last,  received 
nearly  fifteen  shillings  for  it.  Our  house  subscribed  for  sixpence- 
worth,  and  so  did  Mr.  Windsor;  and  all  the  boys  of  the  lower  order, 
up  to  Grotto-day,  were  singing — no  matter  what  their  politics  might 
be— and  wrapping  their  bulls'-eyes  up  in  "  The  Lay  of  the  Soporific 
Soap-boilers."  The  Radicals  bore  this  satire  well,  having  had  their 
own  way  in  everything,  and  laughed  on  the  right  side  of  their 
mouths;  and  even  the  men  who  had  been  cased  in  grease  made  a 
good  thing  of  it  when  they  scraped  themselves,  by  going  to  the  rag- 
and-bone  shops.  Yet,  as  bad  hick  would  have  it,  the  leading  mind 
among  them — that  of  Mr.  Joe  Cowl,  the  master-sweep — was  not  con- 
tent, and  broke  out  into  a  summons  at  the  Clerkenwell  Police  Court. 
For  Mr.  Cowl,  meeting  all  the  first  of  the  discharges,  before  the 
stcarine  was  well  up  in  the  hose,  was  a  loser  instead  of  a  receiver  of  de- 
posit. All  the  soot  on  his  body  was  clean  washed  off ;  and  nothing  be 
ing  left  to  fill  the  pores,  the  abnormal  exposure  of  his  system  led  to  a 
pungent,  pervasive,  and  radical  catarrh.  Mrs.  Cowl  sent  for  a  doctor, 
but  her  husband  Joe  had  still  enough  vitality  to  kick  him  out;  and 
then,  jumping  from  the  frying-pan  into  the  fire,  shouted  loudly  for 
a  lawyer;  and  he  recommended  law. 


44  TOMMY  UPMORE. 


CHAPTER  VIII. 

FOR    CHANGE    OP    AIR. 

"BUT,"  said  my  father  to  Mr.  John  Windsor,  who  was  urging 
him  to  leave  home  for  a  while,  that  Joe  Cowl's  anger  might  blow 
over,  "people  pretend  not  to  understand  it,  John;  but  you  know  as 
well  as  I  do  what  it  is.  How  could  I  ever  live  for  a  fortnight  at  a 
stretch,  or  even  three  weeks,  as  might  be  needful,  without  a  breath 
of  the  air  of  the  works,  John?" 

"When  I  was  obliged  to  spend  a  week  in  Parree, "  replied  Mr. 
Windsor  (who,  as  Mrs.  Windsor  said,  had  "acclimatized  himself 
uncommon  quick  to  the  French  style,  and  their  accent"),  "  I  thought 
I  should  have  died  for  a  day  or  two,  from  the  downright  emptiness 
of  the  air.  But,  my  dear  fellow,  I  found  out  some  places  where 
the  air  was  as  nourishing,  every  bit,  as  it  is  at  our  works  on  an  over- 
time day.  Bubbly,  I  contrived  to  bilk  the  doctor  by  going  twice  a 
day  to  a  place  with  a  hole  in  it  over  some  large  cookery  vapors. 
And  you  must  contrive  to  find  a  place  like  that.  I'll  tell  you  what, 
go  away  to  the  seaside.  At  the  seaside,  now,  they  are  alwaj^s  mak- 
ing smells." 

"  So  they  are,  I  am  sure,"  said  Mrs.  Windsor,  who  was  come  to 
join  in  the  attack  on  father;  "the  last  time  I  was  at  Brighton,  my 
dear,  with  all  the  poor  children,  how  I  envied  you,  dwelling — as  the 
poet  so  graphically  describes  it — in  the  sweet  fragrancy  of  home. 
Mr.  Upmore,  the  air  is  never  empty  -at  any  fashionable  seaside  place ; 
and  for  the  sake  of  your  dear  wife,  and  your  wonderfully  interest- 
ing boy,  who  is  a  dear  friend  of  my  clever  Johnny's,  you  cannot, 
with  any  consistency  whatever,  refuse  to  respond  to  the  call  of  duty; 
for  duty  it  is,  and  should  be  looked  at  in  that  light,  without  a  second 
thought  of  paltry  money." 

"She  has  the  gift  of  eloquence,"  declared  her  husband;  "and 
sometimes  I  almost  wish  she  hadn't.  It  comes  to  her  from  her 
mother's  side,  whose  mother  was  a  celebrated  Baptist  preacher. 
And  when  it  is  upon  her  she  has  no  consideration  of  other  people's 
money,  and  not  so  very  much  of  mine.  But  you  must  not  take  the 
whole  of  this  for  high  talk,  Bubbly.  To  make  yourself  scarce  just 
now  will  fetch  you  a  pound  for  every  penny  you  have  to  spend. 
An  old  friend  of  mine  is  well  up  the  back  stairs,  and  although  ho 


TOMMY  UPMORK  45 

could  never  do  a  stroke  for  me — for  some  reason,  which  he  explains 
much  better  than  I  can  understand  it  —  he  whispered  to  me 
night,  '  Keep  in  with  the  gentleman  who  boils  higher  up  the  lane 
than  you  do.      His  fortune  is  made,  if  he  keeps  quiet  and  the  pr<^ 
ent  government  remains  in  office.     He  will  have  more  jobs  than  he 
can  do,  and  he  must  call  you  in  to  help  him.'     I  thought  I  had  bet- 
ter tell  you,  Bubbly,  because  we  have  always  been  straightforward; 
and  if  you  are  pulled  up  in  the  police  -  court,  why,  you  might  have 
to  wait  months  before  you  got  a  contract." 

My  father  stood  up,  for  nothing  could  be  more  illustrative  of  true 
friendship,  more  incentive  to  patriotism,  and  more  ennobling  to  the 
human  race,  than  this  announcement  from  his  brother-boiler.  He 
had  passed  through  a  good  deal  of  emotion  lately,  having  been  not 
only  toasted  largely,  wherever  he  appeared  with  his  purse  in  his 
pocket,  and  visited  with  post-cards  more  than  once  (from  people 
whose  names  were  in  the  papers),  but  even  invited  to  a  hot  dinner, 
which  he  took  care  to  go  to,  at  the  Mansion  House.  For  that  lord- 
mayor  was  not  one  of  those  who  desired  to  have  no  successor. 

"John  Windsor,  we  have  always  been  straightforward.  There 
has  never  been  the  shadow  of  a  doubt  between  us.  Our  friendship 
has  never  known  a  cloud  upon  it;"  I  was  home  for  the  holidays 
now,  and  these  words  of  my  father's  made  me  stare  a  little;  "  you 
know  what  I  am,  John — a  humble  Briton,  who  thinks  for  himself, 
and  sticks  to  it.  Business  is  business;  politics  come  in  the  evening 
to  smoke  a  pipe  with.  When  I  was  a  Rad,  I  may  have  thought  of 
making  something  out  of  it.  But  I  only  made  a  loss  of  two  good 
hats." 

"Hear,  hear!"  interrupted  Mr.  Windsor;  "and  now,  by  repulse 
of  the  Rads,  you  have  gained  three  hundred  hats,  the  poet  says." 

"Stuff!"  cried  my  father;  "there  were  not  thirty;  and  shocking 
bad  hats  all  of  them.  You  are  welcome  to  your  share,  if  you  will 
take  your  half  of  this  confounded  summons,  Windsor." 

"Gentlemen,  come,"  said  Mrs.  Windsor,  "if  you  once  begin  with 
politics— the  point  is  to  settle  where  to  go  to,  and  I  think  Mrs.  Up- 
more  should  have  a  voice  in  that.  What  coast  do  you  prefer,  my 
dear?" 

"My  views  are  of  very  little  moment,"  mother  answered,  quietly, 
as  she  came  in  with  a  bottle  of  cherry-brandy  in  her  hand;  "Bu- 
cephalus is  so  bigoted.     But  I  love  to  sec  the  sun  rise  over  th 
from  the  window,  and  then  go  to  bed  again." 

"  Your  taste,  ma'am,  is  of  the  very  highest  order,"  said  Mr.  Wind- 
sor, who  never  could  persuade  his  wife  to  turn  her  hand  to  pickles, 
and  bottled  fruit,  ;ind  gravies;  "and  many  a  time  have  I  enjoyed 


46  TOMMY  UPMORE. 

the  fine  results  that  comes  of  it.  To  see  the  sun  rise  over  the  sea, 
and  the  poor  fellows  shaking  about  in  their  boats,  and  then  to  go  to 
bed  again,  while  they  are  catching  fish  enough  for  your  breakfast — 
prawns,  and  lobsters,  and  a  sole  with  egg-and-bread-crumbs,  and 
perhaps  (if  they  are  lucky)  just  a  salmon-collop — ah,  that  is  what  I 
call  seaside!  "And  then  you  lounge  about,  and  see  fine  ladies  jump- 
ing up  and  down,  as  the  white  waves  knock  them ;  and  then  you 
have  a  pipe,  and  smell  fine  smells,  and  talk  to  an  old  salt  as  if  you 
were  his  captain,  and  he  shows  you  through  his  spy-glass  how  rough 
it  is  outside,  with  the  people  in  the  vessels  looking  enviously  at  you ; 
and  by  that  time,  Bubbly,  why,  you  want  your  dinner;  and  you  eat 
it  as  if  you  was  made  for  nothing  else. " 

"I  don't  remember  much  about  it,"  answered  father,  though  evi- 
dently struck  by  this  description;  "why,  it  must  be  thirty  j^ears 
since  I  saw  the  sea.  Ah,  how  we  go  up  and  down  in  life !  I  dare 
say  I  was  no  bigger  than  that  little  shrimp  there." 

"Mr.  Upmore!"  exclaimed  Mrs.  Windsor,  whose  manner,  we  were 
told,  wras  more  aristocratic  than  anything  on  our  side  of  King's 
Cross;  "Mr.  Upmore,  with  all  yo^ir  opportunities,  is  it  possible  that 
you  have  not  even  felt  it  your  first  duty  to  take  your  dear  wife  and 
your  Tommy  to  the  sea?  Whatever  should  we  do  without  the  sea? 
A  great  part  of  our  commerce  comes  over  it,  and  my  Johnny  can 
very  nearly  swim !  Dear  Mrs.  Upmore,  you  should  not  lose  a  minute 
in  taking  your  darling  boy  to  the  sea.  It  seems  to  be  considered  so 
essential  now  that  all  young  persons  should  be  taught  to  swim." 

"My  Tommy  can  fly,  ma'am,"  replied  dear  mother;  "and  what 
is  swimming  to  compare  with  that?" 

"I'll  tell  you  what,"  said  Mr.  Windsor,  "if  you  want  to  see  the 
sun  rise  over  the  sea,  the  best  chance  for  it  is  on  the  east  coast.  I'm 
very  partial  to  Brighton  myself,  not  being  so  exclusive  as  Mrs.  W. 
about  a  little  smell  here  or  a  sort  of  odor  there.  That  feeling  of  the 
higher  orders  seems  to  be  cutaneous." 

"  Spontaneous,  you  mean,  Mr.  Windsor,  or  perhaps  contagious, 
or  indigenous." 

"  I  mean  what  I  say,  my  dear.  And  what  I  say  is  this — to  the 
best  of  my  knowledge,  the  sun  don't  get  up  out  of  the  sea  at 
Brighton,  though  he  does  come  over  it,  in  fine  weather,  by  the  time 
the  upper  classes  are  looking  about.  But  I  won't  pretend  to  speak 
positive,  because  I  never  got  up  to  look  for  him.  Only  this  I  do 
say,  and  it  stands  to  reason — if  you  want  to  compel  him  to  get  up 
there,  you  had  better  go  where  the  sea  runs  east." 

"To  be  sure,  I  see!"  my  father  answered;  "I  am  not  sure  that  I 
should  have  thought  of  that.  John,  you  are  a  clever  fellow  after  all. " 


TOMMY  UP  MORE.  47 

"I  should  hope  that  he  was,"  cried  Mrs.  Windsor;  "because 
3'ou  have  made  yourself  famous,  Mr.  Upmore,  with  my  husband  to 
stand  in  front  of  you,  arc  you  going  to  begin  to  look  down  upon 
us?" 

"Don't  be  so  hot,  ray  dear.  I  assure  you,  Bubbly,  that  she  means 
it  for  the  moment;  but  it  goes  in  two  seconds,  like  a  spurt  of  steam. 
Now,  I  happen  to  know  a  very  nice  little  place  on  the  east  coast, 
Norfolk  or  Suffolk,  I  believe,  for  I  never  can  carry  all  the  counties 
in  my  head.  Happystowe-on-Sea  is  the  name  of  it;  none  of  your 
blessed  sewers  there.  I  know  a  man  who  boils  there  twice  a  week ; 
he  would  let  you  in  as  a  visitor,  of  course,  and  you  would  get  the 
nourishment  of  his  air.  Barlow  his  name  is,  Billy  Barlow;  a  rising 
man  in  compos  and  cocoa ;  he  has  found  a  way  to  make  one  out  of 
the  other,  and  both  of  them  out  of  old  shoes,  I  believe;  and  I  thought 
of  running  down  to  him,  to  get  a  wrinkle;  but  Mrs.  W.  seemed 
to  think  there  was  something  infra  dig.  in  it." 

"  \Ve  cannot  be  too  particular,  in  my  humble  opinion,"  said  Mrs. 
Windsor,  "not  only  not  to  admit  any  shadow  of  fraud  into  our  own 
transactions,  but  in  no  way  to  countenance  any  one  tainted  with 
secrets,  however  lucrative." 

"That  is  the  true  way  of  looking  at  things;  all  on  the  square, 
ma'am,  and  all  above-board.  And  nothing  else  answers  in  the  long 
run,  does  it?  However,"  continued  my  father,  "  if  I  should  by  any 
chance  be  down  that  way,  I  might  like  to  look  in  at  Barlow's  works 
— without  letting  him  know  who  I  was,  of  course.  I  should  under- 
stand all  his  devices  at  a  glance." 

"He  would  know  me  in  a  moment,  if  I  went  down;"  Mr.  Wind- 
sor was  trying  not  to  wink  at  father;  "but  he  never  would  guess 
that  you  were  in  the  trade,  if  you  wear  your  blue  coat  and  brass 
buttons,  the  one  that  makes  the  boys  call  you  'the  admiral.'  And 
by  the  seaside  that  would  be  the  proper  thing.  Only,  fair  play, 
Bubbly,  and  honor  bright.  Snacks — as  our  Jack  says — in  whatever 
you  find  out." 

"Pooh!"  cried  father;  "after  all  our  experience,  what  could  a 
country  bumpkin  teach  us?  Ah,  Mrs.  Windsor,  what  things  we 
could  tell  you,  if  ladies'  nerves  were  stronger!  But,  John,  I've  a 
invat  mind  to  take  your  advice,  and  encourage  the  policy  of  our 
noble  government  in  doing  me  a  good  turn  as  early  as  they  can. 
We  will  get  away  before  those  unprincipled  Kads  can  serve  their 
skulking  summons.  That  Joe  Cowl  means  to  get  up  to-morrow, 
after  shamming  to  be  dead  for  a  fortnight — a  Conservative  sweep 
would  have  cured  his  cold  by  stopping  up  a  chimney — and  on  Friday 
he  goes  for  his  summons,  I  hear.  The  beak  is  a  Had,  and  will  let 


48  TOMMY  UPMORK. 

him  have  it.  I  shall  trust  you  to  keep  it  all  dark  about  us,  and 
mum's  the  address  of  our  luggage  and  letters.  But  Friday  will  find 
all  the  Upmore  family  stowed  away  happy  at  Happy  stowe." 

My  father  was  ever  a  man  of  his  word.  He  made  his  arrange- 
ments for  half-time  boiling,  and  the  completion  of  all  contracts,  and 
left  money  enough  for  a  fortnight's  work,  and  then  we  set  off  in  the 
soap-van,  with  old  Jerry  in  the  shafts,  and  a  hamper  of  good  things, 
and  our  best  clothes  on,  and  Grip  sitting  up  in  front,  and  the  tilt 
hanging  down,  as  if  by  accident,  over  the  third  hoop  from  the  back, 
so  that  nobody  could  tell  that  we  had  got  a  bit  of  luggage.  And 
we  jogged  along  up  the  lane  first  towards  Hampstead,  so  that  all 
the  neighbors  thought  we  were  going  for  a  picnic,  as,  indeed,  we 
thoroughly  deserved  to  do,  and  they  wished  us  a  pleasant  day  and 
no  rain ;  for  they  all  had  a  kindly  will  to  us.  But  as  soon  as  we  had 
thanked  them,  and  got  them  out  of  sight,  what  did  father  do  but 
turn  old  Jerry,  and  take  the  shortest  cut  to  Shoreditch ! 

At  that  time,  London  was  not  such  a  thorough  rat-warren  of  rail- 
ways as  it  is  now;  and  although  I  had  travelled  by  steam  before,  it 
was  new  enough  to  be  delightful.  We  were  going  by  a  line  which 
was  then  considered  the  most  dangerous  in  Great  Britain,  and  this 
made  my  mother  put  her  head  out  of  the  window,  in  her  anxiety 
about  me  and  father,  whenever  there  was  anything  at  all  to  see. 
We  wanted  to  look  out  for  ourselves,  but  she  declared  that  she 
understood  things  best;  and  there  was  no  chance  of  getting  at  the 
other  window,  because  four  people  put  a  cloth  along  their  knees, 
and  went  on  eating  for  leagues,  and  hours.  So  my  father  went  to 
sleep,  and  I  tried  to  get  peeps  (behind  dear  mother's  bonnet)  of  the 
far  world  flying  by.  With  all  my  heart  I  longed  to  see  the  sea,  of 
which  I  had  heard  so  many  things  wonderful,  terrible,  and  enchant- 
ing. My  mother  had  bought  me  a  straw  hat  with  a  blue  ribbon  on 
it,  like  a  gallant  sailor's;  and  she  should  have  endeavored,  after 
that,  to  show  me  the  sea  if  it  ever  came  in  sight.  But  nothing  that 
I  could  say — though  I  never  stopped  bothering,  as  she  called  it- 
would  keep  her  attention  to  that  point;  and  I  found  out  afterwards 
the  reason  for  it;  she  was  not  at  all  sure  about  knowing  the  sea 
when  she  saw  it,  and  was  afraid  of  making  some  mistake. 

"  What  do  I  care  about  the  sea?"  said  father,  rather  grumpily, 
when  I  pestered  him.  ' '  People  call  it  the  sea  because  you  can't  see 
it.  Or,  if  you  do,  you  can't  see  anything  else.  I  would  much  rather 
have  a  good  London  fog.  Go  to  sleep,  boy,  and  don't  keep  jerking 
at  my  legs  so." 

My  father  had  been  out  of  sorts  for  some  time,  which  had  made 
it  desirable  that  he  should  come  away,  even  without  any  summons 


TOMMY   UPMORE.  49 

nirainst  him.     His  appetite  was  queer,  and  lie  wanted  setting  up. 
Before  Mr.  Windsor  came  urging  him  so,  I  heard  him  say  to  mother, 

"  A  leg  of  mutton  goes  twice  with  me  now,  and  I  call  that  a  very 
serious  sign." 

"  Then  be  more  free-handed  with  your  money,"  answered  mother. 

And  now  he  was  touchy  because  poor  Grip,  though  accustomed 
to  living  in  a  tub  at  school,  was  aggrieved  at  the  box  which  the  com- 
pany provided  for  dogs  on  their  travels,  and  expressed  his  grief  in 
a  howl  that  out  howled  the  engine.  His  chest  was  capacious  and 
his  lungs  elastic,  his  heart  also  of  the  finest  order;  and  for  these  gifts 
of  nature  my  father  condemned  him! 

"  Now,  rouse  up,  rouse  up,  everybody!'1  father  shouted,  as  if  we 
had  all  been  asleep — which  he  alone  had  been,  in  spite  of  Grip — 
when  the  bus  from  the  "  Happystowe  Road  "  (which  was  five  or  six 
miles  from  the  genuine  Happystowe)  pulled  up  in  a  ring  of  newly 
planted  trees,  and  in  front  of  a  porch  with  square  pillars  to  it. 
' '  Tommy,  look  sharp,  and  count  all  our  boxes  in.  Put  them  down  in 
Latin,  if  it  comes  more  easy.  Sophy,  accept  my  arm  up  the  steps; 
never  pretend  to  be  younger  than  you  are.  Mrs.  Roaker,  we  are  come 
to  spend  a  week  with  you,  if  agreeable,  and  not  too  expensive." 

"  Mr.  Upmorc!"  said  mother,  in  a  tone  of  quiet  dignity,  such  as 
she  had  heard  Mrs.  Windsor  use;  "as  if  a  few  pounds  made  any 
difference  to  you!  We  are  out  for  the  holidays,  and  we  mean  to 
have  them." 

"  Then  the  thing  to  begin  with  is  a  rattling  good  dinner,"  father 
answered,  without  any  dignity  at  all;  "bless  my — something  the 
dinner  goes  into,  Mrs.  Roaker — if  it  isn't  going  on  for  seven  o'clock! 
And  nothing  all  the  way  but  hard-boiled  eggs  and  a  cold  duck, 
and  ham  sandwiches.  I  never  was  so  hungry  in  all  my  life;  starving 
is  the  proper  word  for  it.  What  can  we  have  for  dinner,  ma'am, 
and  what  is  the  shortest  time  for  it?" 

"Anything  you  please  to  name,  sir,"  said  the  landlady,  who  under- 
stood things;  "  and  the  time  will  naturally  depend  upon  the  nature 
of  the  plats  you  order." 

"No  foreign  kickshaws  and  no  French  plates  for  me,  ma'am! 
A  pair  of  fried  soles  and  a  bit  of  roast  mutton,  hot  from  the  fire, 
ami  a  cold  apple-pie.  Sophy,  can  you  think  of  anything  else  you 
want?" 

"  Can  we  have  a  bedroom  with  a  fine  sea-view?"  My  mother  had 
been  pensive  all  day,  and  religious,  because  of  leaving  home  and  of 
the  dangers  of  the  train.  "  We  have  not  seen  the  sea  yet,  Mrs. 
Roaker,  to  our  certain  know  ledge.  You  must  not  suppose  us  to  be 
any  sort  of  Cockneys;  and  indeed  we  live  quite  outside  of  London, 

4 


50  TOMMY  UPMORE. 

in  a  beautiful  place,  with  green  fields  round  it;  still, we  are  what  you 
may  call  inlanders,  and  we  feel  a  kind  of  interest  in  the  sea." 

"  Sophy,  you  had  better  order  dinner  after  that,"  said  my  father 
very  shortly;  "now,  Tommy,  you  be  off.  I  am  not  going  out  till 
I've  had  my  dinner.  But  I  can't  stand  any  more  of  your  plague 
about  the  sea.  Find  somebody  to  show  you  where  it  is ;  or  you 
ought  to  find  out  by  the  row  it  makes.  I  hear  a  noise  now,  like  an 
engine  with  the  steam  slack.  But  don't  tumble  into  it  when  you 
find  it;  though  you  never  were  born  to  be  drowned,  that  I'll  swear." 

Without  any  answer  to  this  cut  at  me — which  I  did  not  deserve, 
as  Old  Rum  could  have  told  him — I  whistled  for  Grip,  who  was 
looking  about,  after  running  all  the  way  from  the  station,  for  any 
dog  anxious  to  insult  him;  and  as  soon  as  he  came,  and  made  a  jump 
at  me,  we  set  off  together  without  more  ado,  to  find  out  where  the 
sea  was,  by  the  noise  it  made ;  of  which  I  was  beginning  now  to  read 
in  Homer. 


CHAPTER  IX. 

THALATTA  1 

IT  was  five  years  now  since  I  had  first  gone  up  (without  any  in- 
tention of  doing  so)  from  the  surface  of  the  earth  into  the  regions 
of  the  air,  through  the  sudden  expansion  of  my  heart  and  system,  at 
the  thought  of  three  days'  holiday.  In  the  interval  there  had  been 
times  of  elation  and  elevation,  when  it  was  difficult  for  me  to  keep 
down,  and  the  mere  shake  of  an  elbow  would  have  sent  me  up. 
And  among  them  I  recollect  one  Christmas  eve,  when  there  was  a 
hard  frost  on,  and  the  people  at  the  Hampstead  ponds  were  skating, 
and  the  ice  was  all  green  for  boys  to  slide  on,  and  the  trees  on  the 
hill  were  all  feathered  with  snow,  and  Jack  Windsor  came  up  to  me 
and  said,  "  Plum  -  pudding  for  dinner  at  your  house,  Tommy;  I 
smelled  it  as  I  came  up  the  lane."  I  was  all  on  the  flutter  to  fly,  and 
astonish  the  people  who  were  putting  skates  on;  and  I  could  not 
have  helped  it — for  there  was  nothing  to  lay  hold  of — if  Grip  (who 
was  full  of  my  bodily  welfare)  had  not  laid  hold  of  me  by  the  tails 
of  the  scarlet  comforter,  which  mother  had  knotted  so  tightly  that  I 
could  not  get  it  off. 

"  Get  away,  you  vile  dog!  Go  up,  Tommy,"  Jack  Windsor  cried, 
and  would  gladly  have  kicked  Grip,  if  prudence  had  permitted  it; 
"oh,  Tommy,  do  go  up;  I  have  heard  so  much  about  it,  and  I'd 
give  anything  to  see  you  fly." 

For  my  part,  I  was  not  at  all  afraid ;  my  feet  were  off  the  ground, 


TOMMY  UPMOJil-:.  51 

and  there  is  very  little  doubt  that  I  should  have  escaped  from  the 
comforter  and  (1  rip,  if  Jack  hud  not  made  such  a  stupid  fuss  about  it. 

"Halloa  there!  What  are  you  boys  doing?"  a  heavy  policeman 
came  grumbling  along,  without  any  sense  of  the  situation;  "if  you 
don't  move  on,  and  take  that  beast  of  a  dog  further,  I'll  \valk  you 
pretty  quick  to  the  station." 

"331  V."  answered  Jack,  who  inherited  his  mother's  lofty  style, 
"if  you  knew  who  we  are  you'd  employ  your  cheek  to  keep  your 
tongue  in,  and  save  me  the  trouble  of  reporting  you." 

The  constable  pretended  not  to  hear  him;  but  the  whole  of  my 
volatile  power  was  gone — so  sensitive  has  it  always  been — and  in- 
stead of  going  up  to  the  sky,  I  was  glad  to  sit  down  upon  the  broad 
back  of  the  faithful  dog. 

And  now  I  can  assure  you,  and  you  will  readily  believe  it,  that, 
having  been  plagued  so  long  by  boys  (and  grown-up  people  quite  as 
troublesome  at  times)  concerning  what  had  happened  to  me  at  an 
early  age,  and  being  rebuked  and  jeered  and  scoffed  at — sometimes 
for  having  this  gift,  and  sometimes  for  not  making  more  of  it,  and 
sometimes  for  setting  up  a  false  claim  to  it — young  as  I  was,  I  had 
thought  a  good  deal,  and  made  up  my  mind  in  fifty  different  ways 
about  it. 

But,  though  my  conclusions  perpetually  varied,  there  was  one 
grain  of  wisdom  to  be  found  in  all.  It  had  pleased  Heaven  to  af- 
flict me  with  an  unusually  light  corporeal  part,  and  then  to  relieve 
that  affliction,  in  some  measure,  by  the  gift  of  a  buoyant  and  com- 
placent mind;  so  that  I  was  able — unless  a  bad  cold,  or  measles  or 
mumps  or  chilblains  stopped  me  —  to  be  hopeful  that  all  would 
turn  out  for  the  best,  and  to  keep  my  nature  boyish  throughout  a 
boyhood  of  some  perplexity. 

(//•/>.  though  faithful,  and  sage  as  almost  all  the  patriarchs  put 
together,  might  still  be  considered  a  juvenile  dog  by  those  who  dwell 
chiefly  on  the  right  side  of  things.  To  say  that  his  heart  was  still  in 
the  right  place  would  be  little  less  than  an  insult  to  him,  and  to  the 
great  race  of  which  he  was  one ;  but  it  is  not  so  wholly  a  matter  of 
course  that  his  mind  was  still  ardent  and  his  spirit  lofty.  Very  few 
"scientists"  of  any  candor  could  have  looked  at  Grip,  when  pre- 
pared  for  battle  (with  his  ears  pricked  up,  and  his  neck  on  the  rasp, 
and  his  tail  set  with  stiffening  bulges),  without  finding  a  nobler  re- 
sult of  evolution,  and  a  likelier  survival,  than  their  own. 

His  thankful  spirit  had  not  yet  r.\hau>trd  the  joys  of  freedom 
from  the  railway  box;  and  perhaps — though  it  is  not  for  me  to  say 
it — the  Happystowe  air  was  more  mercurial  than  that  of  our  works, 
which  confined  his  meditations  too  persistently  to  one  theme — bone. 


52  TOMMY  UPMORE. 

But  let  that  pass;  it  is  quite  impossible  to  explain  everything  that 
happens;  all  I  know  is  that  Grip  set  off  from  the  porch  of  the 
"  Twentif  old  Anns  Hotel"  with  a  nourish  and  a  scurry  and  a  gambol  of 
delight.  With  a  gentle  breeze  moving  behind  me,  I  started  to  catch 
him  and  get  the  first  sight  of  the  sea,  and  then,  down  a  steep  path, 
we  came  right  round  the  corner  of  what  must  have  been  a  live  rock, 
and  behold — 

Behold !  was  a  word  you  might  have  shouted  at  me  like  thunder 
without  my  knowing  it.  Because  my  whole  nature  was  absorbed 
in  beholding,  or  gazing,  or  staring,  or  mooning,  or  being  bemooned ; 
for  the  things  were  done  to  me,  without  my  doing  any  one  of  them. 
Behind  me  shone  the  low  summer  sun,  throwing  out  my  shadow 
any  length  it  pleased,  on  an  endless,  measureless,  countless,  unim- 
aginable world  of  silver,  like  the  moon  come  down. 

If  I  could  have  uttered  any  syllable  to  let  off,  or  thought  of  any 
definite  idea  to  keep  in,  the  wondrous,  inconceivable  expansion  of 
my  nature,  perhaps  even  now  I  might  have  stayed  upon  the  ground. 
But  being  as  I  was,  away  I  went,  starting  at  a  height  of  about  ten 
feet  above  the  level  of  spring-tides,  with  a  moderate  westerly  breeze 
behind  me,  and  the  light  of  the  sinking  sun  coming  up  under  the 
soles  of  my  shoes  as  I  slowly  went  round.  And,  unluckily,  I  had 
all  my  best  clothes  on,  new  from  a  shop  down  in  Liverpool  Street, 
the  first  Sunday  of  the  summer  holidays. 

People  who  have  never  been  up  like  this  might  suppose,  at  first 
sight,  that  I  was  terrified,  especially  at  being  carried  out  to  sea,  as 
my  first  acquaintance  with  that  great  space.  But,  without  laying 
claim  to  any  share  of  courage,  I  may  state,  as  a  simple  matter  of 
fact,  that  I  happened  to  feel  no  fear  whatever.  My  father  (as  truth- 
ful a  man  as  ever  lived,  and  from  whom  I  inherit  that  quality)  had 
said  that  I  was  not  born  to  be  drowned ;  and,  if  I  thought  at  all 
(which  I  disremember  doing),  that  alone  would  have  reassured  me. 
At  any  rate,  I  looked  around  as  calmly  as  if  I  were  sitting  down  to 
dinner;  but  with  this  disadvantage,  that  I  could  not  keep  my  gaze 
very  firmly  fixed  upon  anything  because  of  the  rotation  of  my  body. 
For  instance,  I  was  able  to  shout  down  to  Grip  (who  was  howling 
most  mournfully  in  the  gap,  and  making  sad  jumps  to  come  after 
me)  that  I  was  all  right,  and  would  come  back  by  and  by;  but  be- 
fore I  could  judge  whether  he  was  consoled  my  eyes  were  on  a  ship 
a  long  way  out.  If  there  had  been  much  wind,  perhaps  it  would 
have  proved  a  ticklish  thing  for  me ;  but  the  air  was  calm,  and  full 
of  yellow  light,  the  sea  was  below  me,  like  a  floor  of  silver,  the  sky 
of  a  pure,  soft  blue,  wherever  the  sun  did  not  interfere  with  it,  and 
nothing  on  any  side  suggested  danger  or  uneasiness. 


TOMMY   UP  MORE. 

But,  whatever  the  state  of  things  may  be,  the  human  element  is 
certain  to  rush  in  and  spoil  all  the  comfort  of  nature.  I  had  not  been 
at  all  disconcerted  at  perceiving  that  some  people  on  the  beach  were 
surprised  by  my  appearance  at  a  considerable  height  above  their 
heads.  They  were  calling  out  loudly  to  one  another,  and  running 
together  or  running  away,  and  rubbing  their  eyes,  as  if  the  sun  had 
taken  the  accuracy  out  of  them.  This  rather  pleased  me  and  im- 
proved my  flight  (which  depends  very  much  upon  the  approval  of 
mankind),  and  I  was  beginning  to  practise  movements  which  I  had 
thought  of  and  heard  of  from  Jack  Windsor.  Jack  had  been  tak- 
ing swimming  lessons,  and,  being  a  wonderfully  heavy  fellow,  had 
tried  very  hard  to  keep  his  head  up.  He  had  learned  the  whole  the- 
ory of  it  beautifully,  and  showed  me  how  easy  it  was  to  do;  but,  as 
yet,  he  had  never  been  able  to  do  it.  Whatever  I  have  done  above 
the  surface  of  the  earth — which  people  are  stupid  enough  to  call 
flying — is  nothing  more  than  swimming  in  the  air,  or  floating;  or, 
best  of  all,  perhaps,  I  should  say  treading,  as  people  who  are  heavy 
enough  "tread  water."  And  my  great  desire  was  to  be  my  own 
master,  to  steer  myself  a  little,  as  a  man  can  do  in  swimming;  in- 
stead of  going  round  and  round,  at  the  air's  discretion,  like  a  bunch 
of  lime-berries  in  September. 

But,  just  as  I  was  learning  with  my  hands  and  feet,  and  some 
guidance  of  the  silken  summer  tunic  at  my  hips,  what  did  I  discover 
but  a  great  long  gun,  taken  up  by  a  man  from  a  boat  upon  the 
beach,  and  then  being  pointed  with  a  careful  aim  at  me!  I  endeav- 
ored to  scream  out,  "I  am  Tommy;  only  Tommy  Upmore  going  for 
a  fly:  if  you  shoot  me  you  will  be  hanged  for  murder!"  but  I  give 
you  my  word  that  my  fright  was  so  great  that  no  sound  of  any  use 
would  come  out  of  my  mouth.  Old  Rum's  cane  was  quite  a  joke 
compared  to  this.  Every  atom  of  my  levity  turned  to  lead,  my 
hands  fell  to  my  sides  and  my  feet  struck  together,  and  I  dropped, 
like  a  well-bucket  when  the  rope  is  broken. 

And  I  never  had  a  luckier  drop  in  my  life — good  as  it  is  for  all 
mortals  to  come  down — for  just  above  my  hair  (which  had  been 
floating,  like  a  sunset  cloud,  they  say,  but  was  now  standing  out,  like 
a  badger's,  with  alarm)  a  heavy  charge  of  duck-shot,  that  would  have 
killed  Grip  dead,  went  whistling  like  a  goods'-train  engine;  and  a 
streak  of  white  still  may  be  discovered  in  my  head,  from  the  combi- 
nation of  fear  and  fact. 

And  my  drop  was  quite  as  lucky  at  the  lower  end ;  for,  descend- 
ing, as  you  might  say  without  exaggeration,  almost  vertically  (though 
my  head,  the  lightest  portion  of  my  system,  still  was  up),  instead  of 
falling  into  the  sea,  I  was  received  in  a  sail  spread  to  catch  me  by  a 
very  lovely  boat. 


54  TOMMY  UPMORE. 

Some  moments  elapsed,  as  I  have  reason  to  believe,  before  either 
my  rescuers  or  myself  were  fit  to  go  into  all  the  questions  that 
arose.  Naturally  enough,  they  were  surprised  at  the  style  of  my 
visit  to  them;  while  I  was  not  only  embarrassed  by  shyness  at  find- 
ing myself  among  great  people,  but  also,  to  some  extent,  confused  in 
mind,  from  the  many  gyrations  of  my  upward  and  the  rapid  de- 
scent of  my  downward  course.  Moreover,  I  had  never  been  in  a 
boat  till  now,  and  the  motion  of  the  boards  upon  the  water  discon- 
certed me  more  than  any  action  of  the  air. 

But  while  I  was  balancing  myself  like  this,  after  stepping  from 
the  sail  that  was  spread  for  me,  a  beautiful  lady,  who  had  been  sit- 
ting on  a  fur  and  looking  at  me  with  surprise  and  interest,  arose  and 
came  towards  me,  with  some  little  doubt  enlarging  the  brightness  of 
her  large,  bright  eyes. 

"Why,  you  are  a  boy — a  boy!"  she  cried,  as  if  Nature  ought  to 
have  made  me  a  girl;  "  and  as  pretty  a  boy  as  I  ever  beheld.  From 
the  way  you  went  round,  and  the  height  it  was  up,  I  thought  it  must 
be  a  machine,  at  least ;  one  of  those  wonderful  things  they  invent,  to 
do  almost  anything,  nowadays.  Whatever  you  are,  you  can  speak, 
I  am  sure;  and  I  am  not  going  to  be  afraid  of  you.  Where  do  you 
come  from?  And  what  is  your  name?  And  how  long  have  you 
been  up  in  the  air  like  that?  And  have  you  got  any  father  and 
mother?  And  how  did  }TOU  get  such  most  wonderful  hair,  like  spun 
silk,  every  bit  of  it?  And — and,  why  don't  you  answer  me?" 

"If  you  please,  ma'am,"  I  said,  looking  up  at  her  with  wonder, 
for  I  never  had  seen  such  a  beautiful  being,  although  I  had  been  to 
a  play  several  times;  "I  was  trying  to  think  what  question  yon 
would  please  to  like  me  to  begin  with  answering.  I'm  afraid  that 
I  cannot  remember  them  all,  because  of  my  head  going  round  so. 
But  my  name  is  Tommy  Upmore,  and  I  come  from  Maiden  Lane, 
St.  Pancras." 

"  St.  Pancras!  Why,  that  is  in  London,  surely.  Did  you  come 
in  a  balloon,  or  how  can  you  have  done  it?  Sit  down  and  rest;  I 
am  sure  you  must  be  tired.  Though  you  look  like  a  rose,  Master 
Tommy  Upmore." 

I  answered  the  beautiful  lady,  as  soon  as  presence  of  mind  per- 
mitted, that  I  had  not  come  the  whole  way  from  London  through 
the  sky,  as  she  seemed  to  suppose,  but  only  from  yonder  place  on 
the  shore;  where  I  showed  her  Grip,  still  howling  now  and  then, 
and  striving  with  all  his  eyes  and  heart  to  make  sure  what  was  be- 
come of  me.  She  replied  that,  even  so,  it  was  in  her  opinion  won- 
derful; and  she  doubted  if  she  could  have  been  brought  to  believe 
it  unless  she  had  seen  it  with  her  own  eyes.  I  told  her  that  several 


TOMMY    UPMOHK 

most  eminent  men  of  science  saw  nothing  surprising  in  it ;  but  ac- 
counted for  it  easily,  in  various  ways,  without  any  two  having  to 
use  the  same  way. 

Meanwhile  she  was  begging  me  not  to  be  afraid,  herself  having 
now  overcome  all  fear;  and  she  signed  to  the  boatmen  (who  had 
fallen  back,  with  their  frank  faces  wrinkled,  as  a  puzzle  is)  that  they 
miirht  come  forward,  and  be  kind  to  me.  It  was  not  in  their  power 
to  do  this,  because  they  had  not  yet  finished  staring;  therefore  she 
offered  me  her  own  white  hand,  and  I  wished  that  I  had  washed 
mine  lately. 

"  These  are  my  children,"  she  said,  as  I  followed  her  down  the 
planks,  without  a  word;  "it  was  Laura  who  saw  you  first  up  in 
the  air,  and  Roly  who  ordered  the  men  to  row  over,  when  that 
wicked  young  man  put  his  gun  up.  We  though  it  was  some  new 
kind  of  bird.  And  so  you  are — a  boy  bird!  Roly  and  Laura, 
let  me  introduce  you  to  this  }roung  gentleman.  There  is  nothing 
about  him  to  be  afraid  of,  although  he  has  come  down  from  the 
clouds,  or  rather  from  the  clear  sky,  this  beautiful  evening.  He  de- 
clan  s  that  he  can  be  scientifically  explained;  and  when  that  can  be 
done,  there  is  nothing  more  to  say.  Roly  has  never  known  Avhat 
fear  is,  ever  since  he  cut  his  teeth." 

From  all  I  have  seen  of  this  gentleman  since  then — and  I  have 
seen  a  great  deal  of  him  for  twenty  years,  and  never  can  see  too 
much  of  him — I  can  fully  confirm  what  his  dear  mother  said.  Just 
then,  he  was  a  boy  of  about  my  age,  or  a  year  or  two  older  he 
mkrht  be;  but  pounds,  and  ten,  and  twenty  pounds  heavier,  and 
an  inch  or  two  taller,  and  many  shades  darker.  I  was  as  fair  in 
complexion,  before  a  great  mob  of  troubles  came  darkening  me,  as 
if  I  had  sprung  from  a  boiling  of  Pontic  wax,  besprinkled  with 
roses  of  Cashmere.  But  Roly  (or,  to  give  him  his  full  deserts,  Sir 
Roland  Towers  -  Twentifold)  was  a  dark  and  thoughtful  and  de- 
termined lad,  who  meant  to  make  his  mark  upon  our  history,  and 
is  doing  it. 

He  came  up  and  took  my  hand,  as  if  he  would  squeeze  any 
cloudiness  out  of  me ;  and  nothing  but  the  pinches  I  had  often  had 
at  school  enabled  me  to  bear  it  without  a  squeak.  lie  had  been 
at  the  helm,  as  they  call  it,  to  direct  the  boat  the  right  way  to  catch 
me;  and  although  he  was  greatly  surprised,  he  concluded — as  all 
Englishmen  do  upon  such  occasions— that  the  time  to  explain  things 
would  ensue  after  they  had  been  dealt  with. 


56  TOMMY  UPMORE. 


CHAPTER  X. 

THE   NEW  ADMIRAL. 

To  me,  who  am  accustomed  to  myself,  it  Las  always  seemed 
much  more  wonderful  that  my  father  should  deny  my  peculiar 
powers  than  that  I  should  possess  them.  "  Go  up,  Tommy,"  he 
has  said  a  thousand  times ;  ' '  don't  be  so  shy  about  it,  but  up  with 
you!  The  proof  of  the  pudding  is  in  the  eating,  Only  fly  up  to 
the  bedroom  window-sill,  as  that  little  sparrow  from  the  road  has 
done,  and  I'll  own  that  I'm  a  fool,  and  you  a  wonder.  But,  until 
you  have  done  it  in  my  sight,  my  son,  I  shall  stick  to  my  old  expe- 
rience, that  all  the  human  race  are  liars,  but  not  one  of  them  a  flyer." 

His  strong  opinion  proved  itself,  as  the  manner  of  strong  opinions 
is;  and  instead  of  being  able  to  arise  while  he  was  waiting,  with  his 
hands  in  his  pockets,  and  a  pipe  in  his  mouth,  I  was  more  inclined 
to  go  into  the  ground,  whenever  it  happened  to  be  soft. 

And  so,  even  now  (when  some  fifty  people  had  seen  me  in  the  air, 
and  were  ready  to  make  oath  to  a  great  deal  more  than  I  had  done), 
father  stuck  to  it  that  they  all  were  liars,  or  fools,  or  crazy,  or  else 
tipsy,  at  the  least.  But  he  scarcely  knew  what  to  say  at  first,  when; 
just  as  he  was  going  to  sit  down  to  dinner,  a  mighty  great  noiso 
arose  under  the  window,  of  sailors  hurraing,  and  the  brass  band 
roaring,  and  Grip  as  loud  as  any  of  them,  barking  at  his  utmost. 

"  D— n  it,"  said  my  father  to  my  mother;  "is  this  the  quiet 
place  John  Windsor  spoke  of?  When  a  man  can't  even  sit  down 
to  his  dinner — " 

"Dinner,  indeed!  Don't  think  twice  of  your  dinner,"  cried 
mother,  from  the  window,  in  great  excitement;  "here  is  a  thing 
that  you  never  saw  before,  and  will  never  see  again,  if  you  live  to 
be  a  hundred.  Our  Tommy  in  a  flag,  and  all  the  sailors  in  the 
kingdom  taking  off  their  hats  and  cheering  him,  and  the  dear  little 
poppet  as  modest  as  ever,  exactly  like  an  angel!  And  a  beautiful 
lady,  you  can  see  by  the  look  that  all  the  place  belongs  to  her — you 
can  tell  at  a  glance  who  she  is,  of  course  —  Bucephalus,  how  slow 
you  are !" 

"Slow,  for  not  knowing  at  a  glance  a  female  I  never  saw  or 
heard  of  in  all  my  life !  And  in  a  strange  place  I  was  never  in  be- 
fore! How  should  I  know  her  from  Adam — or.  at  least,  Eve?" 


TOMMY   UPMORE.  57 

"  Bucephalus!  Why,  of  course,  she  must  be  Lady  Towers-Twcn- 
tifold,  widow  of  the  late  and  sincerely  lamented  Sir  Robert  Tow- 
ers-Two-ntifold,  who  died,  after  tortures  surpassing  description,  from 
swallowing  his  own  corundum  tooth.  Every  stick  and  stone  for 
ten  miles  in  every  direction  belongs  to  him,  and  he  leaves  a  lovely 
widow,  and  an  only  son,  the  present  Sir  Roland  Towers-Twentifold, 
scarcely  any  older  than  our  Tomm3r,  and  an  only  daughter  Laura. 
Bless  me,  how  true  everything  is  coming!  I  can  believe  every  word 
of  it,  now  I  see  them." 

"Including  the  man  with  the  corundum  tooth.  In  the  name  of 
Moses,  Sophy,  how  the  deuce  have  you  found  out  all  this  already?" 

"I  have  found  out  nothing;  and  I  am  surprised  at  your  low  way 
of  putting  it,  Bucephalus.  When  I  met  the  chambermaid,  could  I 
do  less  than  pass  the  time  of  day  to  her?  But  look,  they  have 
carried  our  Tommy  three  times,  with  the  '  Conquering  Hero  Gomes ' 
twice  and  a  half,  round  the — I  forget  what  dear  Jane  Windsor  says 
is  the  right  foreign  name  for  it — and  I  think,  Mr.  Upmore,  the  least 
we  can  do  is  to  throw  up  the  window  and  bow  our  acknowledg- 
ments gracefully,  as  the  papers  say." 

"I'm  blowed  if  I'll  do  anything  of  the  sort.  Half  a  crown's 
worth  of  coppers  would  be  gone  in  no  time.  Keep  behind  the  cur- 
tain, Sophy,  or  back  we  all  go  to  business  to-morrow  morning; 
and  I  heartily  wish  we  had  never  come  away.  At  home,  when  I  am 
hungry,  I  can  get  my  dinner." 

"Oh,  dear,  he  has  spoiled  his  white  ducks  with  tar,  and  Grip  is 
in  a  dreadful  mess  of  wet,  and  the  sailors  want  to  hoist  him  too,  if 
In-  would  only  let  them!  I  see  what  it  is — how  stupid  of  me! 
Tommy  has  been  flying  all  over  the  sea,  and  Grip  has  been  swim- 
ming after  him?  Oh,  Bucephalus,  how  can  you  eat  your  dinner? 
Is  this  a  proper  time  for  you  to  be  devouring  dinner?" 

"  You  are  right  enough  there,  Sophy,"  answered  father,  "I  ought 
to  have  had  it  live  hours  ago.  I  call  it  tempting  Providence  with 
one's  constitution,  to  go  so  long  after  breakfast-time.  I  only  hope 
the  zanies  won't  come  wanting  to  hoist  me." 

Alas,  that  the  stronger  of  my  parents  should  have  shown  such  in- 
credulity! Did  it  follow  that,  inasmuch  as  he  was  heavy,  all  his 
productions  must  draw  the  beam?  If  so,  dead  must  drop  all  the 
wit  of  Falstaff,  and  all  the  sweet  humor  of  Thackeray.  And  how 
could  my  father  have  made  light  sperm,  or  the  soap  that  he  labelled 
"  The  Froth  of  the  Sea"?  Such  questions,  however,  come  danger- 
ously near  to  science  and  its  vast  analogies.  Enough,  that  my 
father  paid  dear  in  the  end  for  all  this  incredulity,  as  will  be  made 
manifest  farther  on;  and  sorry  shall  I  be  to  tell  it. 


58  TOMMY  UPMORE. 

My  dear  mother  was  already  of  opinion  that  it  was  a  crime  upon 
any  one's  part  even  to  attempt  to  explain  my  achievements,  and 
downright  treason  to  deny  them.  When  the  beautiful  Lady  Twcn- 
tifold — as  people  called  her  for  convenience,  though  her  proper 
name  was  Towers- Twentif  old — came,  when  the  public  was  tired  of 
shouting,  to  learn  all  that  could  with  propriety  be  learned  of  the 
origin  of  her  "great  little  wonder,"  few  people  verily  would  believe 
what  my  mother  was  fanciful  enough  to  do.  The  lady  (to  whom 
the  hotel  belonged,  and  all  the  people  there,  in  my  opinion)  sat  down 
in  the  parlor  down-stairs,  with  my  hand  in  hers — for  she  had  taken 
dear  liking  to  me,  because  I  resembled  a  child  she  had  lost — and  she 
begged  the  landlady  to  go  to  my  mother,  without  any  card  or  for- 
mality, and  ask  whether  she  might  have  the  pleasure  of  seeing,  and 
telling  her  about  her  boy. 

It  is  a  very  clumsy  thing  for  me  to  find  fault  with  the  behavior 
of  my  parents,  and  I  am  not  prepared  to  do  so  now.  There  may 
have  been  fifty  reasons  clear  to  people  much  wiser  than  myself;  but 
certainly  I  was  amazed  and  angry  when  Mrs.  Roaker  came  back  to 
say  that  the  lady  from  London  was  so  fatigued  with  the  dreadful 
effects  of  her  journey  that  she  begged  to  thank  her  ladyship  most 
warmly  for  very  great  kindness  to  her  dear  son,  but  felt  quite  un- 
equal to  an  interview  with  her. 

"How  many  of  you  are  there,  Tommy?"  Lady  Twentif  old 
asked,  without  my  knowing  why.  But  she  always  went  straight  to 
the  meaning  of  things. 

"  Only  me,  ma'am,  if  you  please,"  I  answered,  looking  up,  in  fear 
that  there  ought  to  have  been  more;  "but  I  did  hear  a  woman  say 
that  there  had  been  another;  but  he  went  to  heaven,  before  me,  I 
believe." 

The  lady  looked  at  me,  with  her  eyes  quite  soft,  which  they  had 
not  been  when  she  received  that  message ;  and  she  seemed  to  be  un- 
certain whether  she  was  right  in  putting  her  next  question. 

' '  Has  your  father  been  married  more  than  once,  my  dear?  I  mean, 
is  this  lady  your  own  dear  mother,  or  become  your  mamma  since 
3^011  can  remember?" 

I  told  her  that  I  could  not  remember  any  one  thing  about  it,  though 
I  often  thought;  but  this  was  my  mother,  Mrs.  Upmore;  everybody 
said  so;  and  more  than  that,  there  was  nobody  else  in  all  the  world 
who  made  a  quarter  so  much  of  me. 

"Tommy,  I  am  quite  satisfied  upon  that  point,"  she  answered; 
"  there  may  be  some  reason  which  I  do  not  know  of.  Or  perhaps 
your  dear  mother  is  not  at  all  strong.  Give  her  my  compliments, 
and  say  that  I  hope  she  will  be  better  soon,  and  the  Happystowe  air 


TOMMY    UP  Ma  UK.  59 

relieve  her  weakness.  Now  shake  hands  with  Holy  and  little  Laura, 
and  good-bye  till  we  see  you  again,  Flying  Tommy." 

I  had  told  her  that  my  name  was  "  Flying  Tommy;"  and  she  was 
much  pleased  to  hear  it,  because  it  showed  that  the  Happystowe  air 
was  not  to  blume  for  my  adventure.  Then  Sir  Roland  came  up,  and 
took  my  hand,  and  said  that  he  hoped  I  would  take  him  for  a  fly; 
and  then  the  most  beautiful  child  I  had  ever  set  eyes  on  stole  up  shyly, 
and  put  her  little  hand  in  mine,  and  left  me  to  say  good-bye  to  her. 

On  the  following  day  I  felt  as  heavy  as  Grip  (who  weighed  half  a 
pound  for  every  ounce  that  a  human  being  of  his  size  would  weigh), 
and  my  father  and  my  mother  agreed,  from  different  points  of  view, 
about  me,  that  I  must  be  kept  in-doors  and  fed,  and  put  at  my 
books,  to  steady  me.  We  had  brought  some  Greek  in  the  bottom  of 
a  box,  which  father  considered  great  nonsense,  though  it  might  be 
very  good  for  children.  And  he  told  me  to  find  out  the  Greek  for 
soap  and  spermaceti  and  steam-engine,  and  write  them  down,  so 
that  he  could  read  them;  which  I  entirely  failed  to  do.  Meanwhile 
he  set  off,  with  his  admiral's  coat,  to  inspect  the  sea  and  the  ship- 
ping, and  Mr.  Barlow's  boiling  premises. 

The  day  after  that  again  was  Sunday,  when  the  rule  of  our  house, 
and  of  most  houses  in  Maiden  Lane,  was  to  lie  in  bed  until  nine 
o'clock,  and  have  breakfast  at  ten,  and  attend  to  the  dinner  till  din- 
ner-time, and  saunter  in  the  fields  towards  Highgate,  if  the  weather 
was  fine  in  the  afternoon,  and  to  go  to  church  or  chapel,  sometimes, 
if  there  was  nothing  else  to  do,  in  the  evening;  and  then  have  a  good 
supper,  and  be  off  to  bed.  But  now  mother  said,  and  my  father  was 
quite  unable  to  gainsay  it,  that,  being  in  a  country  place  like  this, 
where  everything  depends  upon  example,  with  my  father  acknowl- 
edged to  be  an  admiral — not  only  because  of  his  coat  and  occa- 
sional d — ns  and  general  demeanor,  but  also  because  he  had  shaken 
his  head  when  requested  to  look  at  a  ship  through  a  spy-glass  for 
twopence,  and  told  the  ancient  tar  that  he  had  seen  a  deal  too 
much  of  that — moreover,  with  Tommy  adored  by  all  the  aristocracy 
of  the  neighborhood,  and,  by  the  brave  sailors  and  people  of  less 
refinement,  accepted  as  an  angel,  the  least  we  could  do  was  to  make 
an  effort,  and  try  to  be  at  church  by  eleven  o'clock. 

My  father  replied,  that  as  concerned  himself  there  need  be  no  diffi- 
culty whatever,  because,  as  soon  as  he  had  done  his  breakfast,  his 
only  preparation  was  to  smoke  a  pipe;  but  he  did  not  believe  that  it 
was  possible  for  mother  (who  had  spent  all  Saturday  in  the  village 
shops,  because  she  had  come  in  such  hurry  from  home  that  she 
had  brought  nothing  tit  to  be  seen  in)  to  have  all  her  toggery  spick- 
ami  span,  and  her  hair  done  up  to  the  nines,  so  early.  But,  if  only 


CO  TOMMY   UPMORE. 

to  show  him  how  little  he  knew,  my  mother  was  ready  before  he 
was ;  and  father  declared  that  she  ruined  his  sleep,  having  got  up  to 
see  the  sun  rise  upon  the  sea,  and  stopped  up  to  see  herself  grow 
brighter  and  brighter,  in  the  looking-glass.  Dear  mother  had  a  great 
mind  not  to  go  to  church  with  such  a  wicked  story  ringing  in  her 
ears,  until  father  told  her  that  she  looked  stunning,  and  was  fit  to 
be  put  on  a  transparent  lid — the  lid  of  a  box  of  transparent  soap. 

"  Dear  Bucephalus,  now  you  see,  "she  said,  as  she  placed  her  prim- 
rose glove  on  the  sleeve  of  his  blue  coat  with  brass  buttons,  ' '  one 
little  portion,  perhaps,  of  the  reason  which  led  me  to  decline  an  in- 
terview, that  night,  with  Lady  Towers-Twentifold.  My  main  reason 
was,  of  course,  that  I  knew  so  thoroughly  well  what  ladies  are.  If 
I  had  allowed  her  to  see  me,  and  satisfy  all  her  great  curiosity  about 
this  wonderful  darling  of  a  Tommy,  the  chances  are  ten  to  one  that 
her  ladyship  would  never  have  invited  him  to  Twentifold  Towers. 
But  now  I  intend  that  he  shall  go  there ;  and  what  will  the  Windsors 
say  to  that?" 

"  Well,  that  was  a  very  fine  reason,  Sophy.  But  I  don't  see  the 
other,  that  I  ought  to  see." 

"Then  Tommy  is  sharper  than  you,  ten  times.  But  walk  a  little 
better,  if  you  please,  my  dear.  Who  can  take  you  for  an  admiral, 
if  you  drag  your  feet  like  that?" 

From  a  joke  Mr.  Windsor's  idea  had  grown  into  a  great  and  solid 
fact.  Mrs.  Roaker  and  most  of  the  Happystowe  people  made  up 
their  minds  by  this  time  that  my  father  was  "Admiral  Upmore." 
He  was  too  honest  and  plain  a  man  to  encourage  this  mistake  for  a 
moment,  and,  whenever  he  got  the  chance,  declared  most  stoutly 
that  he  was  no  admiral.  The  public,  however,  would  not  believe 
him,  having  met  with  some  indications,  in  commercial  dealings  with 
him,  that  he  prized  the  royal  effigy;  from  which  it  was  clear  what 
his  motive  was  in  desiring  to  disguise  his  rank.  And  the  Boots  of 
the  Twentifold  Arms  could  swear  that  he  saw  Admiral  printed  on  the 
back  of  the  label  of  a  hairy  trunk,  wrhich  had  only  B.  U.  on  the  front 
of  it.  And  so  he  did,  to  a  certain  extent ;  for  mother  had  taken  an 
advertising  card  beginning  with  Admirable,  and  cut  it  across,  and 
put  father's  initials  on  the  other  side. 

"  They  may  call  me  what  they  like,"  my  father  said,  when  tired  of 
contradiction,  "so  long  as  they  don't  charge  me  for  it.  Admiral 
Upmore  serves  my  turn  uncommonly  well,  for  two  things.  Billy 
Barlow  would  lock  his  gate  if  he  knew  that  I  am  only  Boiler  Up- 
more;  and  I  am  finding  out  some  fine  things  there.  And  again,  if 
any  lawyer  comes  sneaking  after  my  heels,  with  that  chummy's  proc- 
ess, he'll  find  his  mistake  in  the  visitor's  list.  But,  Tommy,  you'll 


TOMMY  IT  MORE.  61 

catch  it,  if  you  let  out  a  word  of  this  in  Maiden  Lane.  Why,  I  never 
should  hear  the  last  of  it!" 

And  so  the  -whole  three  of  us  went  to  church;  and  the  sailors  sit- 
ting on  the  tombstones— most  of  which  were  like  chests  of  drawers, 
hut  without  any  handles  to  the  names  below — touched  their  hats  to 
tin1  admiral's  lady,  and  the  gallant  admiral  himself,  and  the  smart 
little  chap  who  had  been  for  a  fly,  like  the  cherub  aloft,  who  smiles 
luck  to  poor  Jack.  It  was  one  of  dear  mother's  proudest  moments 
— for  the  men  at  our  works  would  never  touch  their  hats,  unless  they'd 
had  a  shilling  quite  lately — and  she  bowed,  with  her  feathers  (which 
had  been  a  cock's)  throwing  off  quite  a  flash  and  a  rustle;  until  she 
was  compelled  to  look  very  grave,  by  the  remark  of  an  ancient  tar, 
that  he  had  never  seen  so  fine  a  woman. 

But,  alas,  how  fate  does  ring  her  changes  with  articulate-speaking 
mortals — the  triumph  of  the  chime,  the  hesitation  of  the  back-stroke, 
and  the  toll  of  disappointment  !  Ere  ever  the  bells  in  the  tower  had 
d,  and  the  organ  taken  up  the  tale,  dear  mother  was  a  pensive- 
hearted  female,  and  her  feathers  out  of  plume.  For,  in  coming  up 
the  aisle,  she  had  whispered  to  the  buxom  pew-opener,  "  Lady  Tow- 
ers-Twentifold  has  been  seeking  to  make  ray  acquaintance.  Can  we 
sit  anywhere  near  her  pew?" 

"  Certainly,  ma'am,"  said  Mrs.  Button,  turning  the  handle  of  a 
large  enclosure;  "  the  admiral  and  yourself  can  have  her  ladyship's 
pew  this  morning,  and  this  evening  too,  if  you  come  again.  Her 
ladyship  has  fifteen  pews,  in  the  fifteen  parishes  she  owns,  and  she 
takes  them  all  in  turn,  and  it  won't  be  our  turn  for  ten  Sundays  yet." 


CHAPTER  XI. 

LARGE    IDEAS. 

PERHAPS  it  was  lucky  for  me  that  my  mother  had  failed  to  amazo 
Lady  Twentifold  with  the  elegance  of  her  apparel.  But  after  hav- 
ing taken  all  that  trouble,  and  lost  all  her  comfort  of  the  morning, 
she  felt  it  no  less  than  a  personal  slight  that  her  ladyship  should 
have  disgraced  herself  so,  by  neglecting  divine  worship. 

"  But  she  went  to  some  other  church,"  said  father. 

"I  don't  believe  a  word  of  it,"  answered  mother,  with  both  hand^ 
on  her  prayer-book;  "she  spent  her  whole  morning  in  bed,  no  doubt. 
I  never  could  endure  those  slothful  ways;  and  the  less  we  have  to 
do  with  such  people  the  better." 

"Why,  who  ever  dreamed  of  our  having  anything  to  do  with 


62  TOMMY  UPMORE. 

them?"  My  father  was  astonished  at  any  new  idea  always.  ' '  Sophy, 
I  won't  have  this  rubbish  any  more.  I  came  down  here  to  enjoy 
myself  and  live  well  and  improve  my  liver,  as  well  as  to  bilk  the 
vile  harpies  of  the  law,  and  find  out  Billy  Barlow's  tricks.  But  if 
I'm  to  put  out  my  pipe,  and  smoke  wet  rolls  (like  Tom's  taffy-sucks), 
and  never  be  seen  in  my  shirt-sleeves,  and  never  get  a  smell  of  hot 
meat  till  the  bats  are  about,  and  be  cut  short  of  my  d — us  indoors, 
and  backed  up  in  them  out  of  doors,  why,  the  world  will  have 
come  to  such  a  stuck-up  pitch  as  would  soon  turn  me  into  a  Rad- 
ical." 

My  mother  said  less,  but  pondered  more.  In  bygone  days  she 
had  seemed  content  with  the  place  in  which  she  found  herself,  proud 
of  the  works,  and  the  sample-boxes,  and  our  renown  for  quality,  and 
insisting  upon  it  that  we  should  be  styled  in  all  transactions  "  Up- 
more  &  Co."  But  lately,  or,  indeed,  for  a  long  time  now,  her  mind 
had  been  taking  an  elevated  tone,  which  lowered  the  quality  of  our 
victuals.  She  talked  a  great  deal  more  of  honor,  and  much  less  of 
honesty ;  she  began  to  look  down  upon  the  Sunday  papers ;  and  she 
would  not  let  her  friends  say  "  Ma'am  "  to  her.  My  father  declared 
that  this  disease  began  with  my  going  to  the  Partheneion,  and  was 
made  much  worse  by  Mrs.  Windsor  and  the  four  professors,  and  was 
now  turned  into  a  pestilence  by  these  bathing-machines  and  the 
sailors  at  the  church,  and  the  brass-horn  rogues  coming  round  with 
the  cap,  and  "  my  lady,  if  you  please,"  upon  the  sands. 

This  "growth  of  refinement"  as  dear  mother  called  it — "spread 
of  humbug  "  was  my  father's  name  for  it — turned  her  attention  quite 
suddenly  to  what  she  called  my  associations.  The  habit  of  my  body 
and  mind  had  been  that  of  London  boyhood  in  general — to  rush  into 
anything  going  on  without  waiting  for  an  introduction,  to  give  my 
opinion  without  invitation  upon  any  public  spectacle,  or  even  a  pro- 
ceeding intended  to  be  private  until  I  came  round  the  corner,  and 
upon  every  occasion  to  ignore  humanity's  false  exclusiveness.  But 
on  Monday  morning,  when  we  sat  down  to  look  at  the  people  bath- 
ing— which  my  father,  from  some  old-fashioned  feeling,  would  never 
stop  to  do,  but  kept  his  distance — mother  began  to  give  me  a  lesson 
concerning  the  duties  of  society. 

"Tommy,"  she  said,  "did  you  remark  that  the  little  boys  go  into 
one  machine,  and  the  little  girls  into  the  other?  And  they  are  not 
allowed,  by  the  Board  of  Health,  to  be  less  than  fifty  yards  apart." 

"  Yes,  mother,"  I  replied,  "I  was  looking  at  that;  and  it  seems  to 
be  the  order  on  the  board.  But  somehow  they  seem  to  contrive,  in 
spite  of  it,  to  get  all  together  in  the  water.  And  the  girls — if  I  can 
make  out  which  they  are — seem  to  go  all  the  way  over  to  the  boys! 


TOMMY  UP  MO  RE.  63 

The  hoard  says  that  they  will  be  prosecuted  with  the  extreme  rigor 
of  the  law.  There  goes  another  girl,  I  declare!" 

"  Hush,  Tommy,  hush!  Or  society  will  turn  us  out,  like  a  pair  of 
Parians.  What  I  want  you  to  notice,  for  your  own  good,  is  that 
hiirh  MM-iety  has  rules  quite  different  from  what  the  children  in  the 
street  have.  You,  unluckily,  have  been  permitted,  while  your  father 
was  in  a  smaller  way  of  business,  to  associate  with  almost  any  boy  of 
respectable  trousers  in  the  roadway.  I  admit  that  I  have  not  been 
as  strict  as  I  should  be,  partly  because  it  was  no  good.  But  now  it 
is  high  time  to  draw  the  line.  You  see  how  they  put  a  cord  along 
down  there?  Now,  what  do  you  suppose  they  do  it  for?" 

"  I  am  sure  I  don't  know,  mother;  unless  it  is  for  people  to  tum- 
ble over  it." 

' '  Xo,  Tommy,  no.  It  is  to  keep  the  people  out.  The  inferior 
classes  must  not  come  interfering  with  those  who  can  pay  for  all  the 
room  they  want.  Your  father  is  a  Tory;  but  I  begin  to  think  that 
1  .-shall  be  a  Radical,  because  I  find  them  make  people  pay  more  for 
getting  into  anything.  A  ticket  for  a  week,  for  both  of  us,  to  see 
the  people  bathe  and  dress  their  hair  and  everything,  was  only  half 
a  crown  for  me,  and  fifteenpence  for  you,  my  dear.  And  you  may 
sit  all  the  time  on  the  ground  of  the  earth,  which  is  so  much  cleaner 
than  the  seats  they  make.  Come  into  this  hole,  with  the  rushes  en 
the  top — where  I  dare  say  some  wild  animal  has  lived — and  never 
mind  the  people  in  the  waves,  my  dear.  What  I  want  you  to  be  is 
a  '_rrrat  man.  Tommy;  a  very  great  man,  who  may  look  down  upon 
the  little  ones,  and  remember  (when  he  has  lost  his  own  dear  mother) 
that  he  owes  all  his  greatness  to  her  counsel  and  high  principles." 

My  dear  mother  spoke  with  such  depth  of  feeling — especially  in 
reference  to  her  own  end — that  I  had  not  the  least  idea  what  to  >ay, 
and  did  not  like  to  cry,  until  I  had  waited  for  some  more. 

"  School-life  is  hardening  you,  my  son,"  she  said.  "I  have  known 
Hi:  day  when  you  would  have  been  crying  long  ago,  at  the  descrip- 
tion of  all  that  I  go  through.  However,  it  is  all  for  the  best/  and 
my  own  doing.  I  must  expect  you  to  grow  up.  And  grown-up 
men  must  never  cry.  Tommy,  you  can  have  two  bull's-eyes  out  of 
my  pocket,  if  you  know  where  to  rind  them,  while  I  am  wiping  my 
poor  eyes.  They  were  under  my  handkerchief  right  side  down,  and 
the  old  pair  of  gloves  on  the  lop  of  them,  that  I  put  on  when  the 
promenade  is  over.  You  have  got  them,  my  son?  Well,  take  one 
at  a  time,  and  don't  bite  them  until  I  have  said  a  few  words.  Don't 
he  afraid,  Tommy.  I  am  not  going  to  deliver  a  lecture,  such  as  no- 
body ever  that  knows  me  could  expect  of  me.  You  will  have  a  great 
mind,  my  dear,  as  well  as  five  talents  of  the  body  that  will  come  to 


64  TOMMY   UPMORE. 

five  and  twenty,  when  the  woman  begins  to  sweep  the  house.  And 
with  all  these  great  blessings  of  the  Lord  upon  you,  your  first  duty 
is  to  keep  them  all  to  yourself.  That  was  one  reason  why  I  would 
not  come  out  when  they  made  such  a  fuss  about  you  the  other  night. 
They  had  no  right  to  come  between  you  and  me ;  and  heartily  thank- 
ful as  I  felt  to  them,  is  it  likely  that  I  would  put  up  with  that  sort 
of  thing?" 

"But,  mother,"  I  could  not  help  saying,  "suppose  there  had  been 
nobody  there  when  I  came  down?  You  were  out  of  sight  altogether, 
and  though  I  might  not  have  gone  down  through  the  water,  if  my 
legs  had  gone  in  they  would  have  stuck  there. " 

"Don't  talk  of  such  dreadful  things,  my  dear.  I  am  speaking 
sincerely  out  of  gratitude.  No  one  has  ever  accused  your  poor 
mother  of  any  deficiency  in  that.  But  I  think  that  the  least  Lady 
Twentifold  could  do  was  to  come  to  church  on  Sunday,  if  only  to 
thank  the  Lord  for  the  service  she  had  been  enabled  to  render  you. 
Few  ladies  have  had  such  a  chance  afforded  them;  but  she  thinks 
much  more  of  her  fifteen  pews.  Now,  Tommy,  if  3*ou  meet  her  on 
the  beach,  or  any  of  the  members  of  her  family,  you  are  not  to  rush 
up  to  them,  as  if  you  were  under  a  great  obligation,  and  make  them 
talk  large.  You  may  show  yourself;  but  wait  for  them  to  accost 
you,  as  Mrs.  Windsor  says.  You  know  what  to  accost  a  person 
means." 

"  Yes,  mother,  from  costa,  the  Latin  for  a  rib.  And  it  often  comes 
in  Homer.  'And  thus  accosting  him  in  reply  spake  wide-ruling 
Agamemnon.'  Old  Rum  does  it  like  that,  nearly  always." 

"Tommy,  what  a  clever  boy  you  are!  I  love  to  hear  a  bit  of 
Latin  from  you.  But  whatever  you  say  to  the  Twentifold  people, 
you  never  must  speak  of  your  master  as  'Old  Rum.'  It  sounds 
quite  low,  and  it  contains  no  learning.  You  may  speak  of  Dr.  Rum- 
below,  if  you  like,  and  your  place  of  education,  the  Pantheon — though 
why  it  should  have  the  same  name  as  a  bazaar  I  am  very  much 
afraid  I  shall  never  understand.  But  mind,  more  than  anything  else, 
my  son,  what  I  am  going  to  tell  you  now.  You  say  that  none  of 
them  asked  you  on  Friday  what  was  your  father's  path  in  life." 

' '  No,  mother;  none  of  them  said  a  word  about  it.  All  they  wanted 
to  know  was  about  myself.  But  I'm  not  sure  I  did  not  tell  about 
Old  Rum." 

"  Well,  it  won't  matter  much  if  you  did,  my  dear.  But  the  boys 
at  school  call  you  '  Soap,'  and  '  Tallow,'  and  ' Bubbles,'  and  '  Dips,' 
and  a  quantity  of  things,  all  of  which  prove  how  low  they  are  them- 
selves. Now  we  will  not  allow  these  great  people  to  do  that.  And 
the  only  way  to  stop  them  is  not  to  let  them  know  private  matters 


TOMMY   UPMORE.  05 

that  can  be  no  concern  of  theirs.  Above  all  things,  be  truthful  as 
the  day,  my  son.  Your  father  is  not  an  admiral;  and  you  must  ac- 
knowledge that  he  is  not — supposing  that  the  question  should  come 
up — and  if  they  want  to  know  any  more  about  him,  which  people 
of  any  good  manners  would  not,  just  tell  them  (in  so  many  words) 
th.1  truth,  that  your  father  is  a  gentleman,  the  head  of  his  own  firm 
of  merchants  in  the  metropolis,  and  invited  to  dine  at  the  Mansion- 
house,  from  his  eminence  in  politics." 

"But  suppose  they  should  ask  about  the  boiling,  mother;  and  the 
things  that  we  buy,  and  the  smell  in  the  lane — " 

"What  a  stupe  you  are!  As  if  you  didn't  know  by  this  time, 
after  all  the  schooling  you  have  had,  that  in  good  society  nobody 
knows  of  anything  that  doesn't  smell  nice.  The  highest  of  them  do 
all  that  themselves;  but  as  for  talking  of  it,  and  in  the  presence  of 
ladies — why,  it  makes  them  faint.  Your  mother  is  of  a  good  family, 
Tommy ;  and  you  get  your  distinguished  appearance  from  her.  And 
though  I  did  marry  a  Lightbody  first,  and  after  his  time  an  Upmore, 
1  have  often  been  told  that  my  ancestors  had  a  knighthood  in  their 
family,  which  makes  it  improper  for  a  son  of  mine  to  say  anything 
about  soap-boiling.  Moreover,  I  will  tell  you,  as  a  very  great  secret, 
which  you  must  not  say  a  word  about  in  Maiden  Lane,  what  your 
father  was  saying  in  his  sleep  the  other  night.  It  was  the  first  night 
niie  down  here,  and  the  strange  bed,  and  the  kicking  noise  the 
M  u  makes,  and  the  late  dinner,  and  the  Welsh  rabbit  to  top  up  with, 
perhaps  interfered  with  his  natural  rest;  for  he  has  not  told  a  word 
of  his  dreams  for  years.  He  thought  he  was  talking  to  you,  my 
and  3rou  were  at  the  top  of  a  ladder  or  a  tree,  so  far  as  I  could 
out  his  words.  '  Tommy,  come  down,'  he  said;  '  come  down, 
Tommy ;  and  I'll  show  you  where  all  the  money  is  put,  for  you  to  go 
into  Parliament. '  And  then  I  suppose  that  you  wouldn't  come  down, 
for  he  slapped  at  his  leg.  where  he  keeps  his  money;  and  he  called 
out  louder,  'They  meddle  with  me!  I'll  meddle  with  them,  when 
it  comes  to  a  plum;  and  let  them  know  who  Upmore  is.  And  if  I 
am  too  old,  my  son  shall  do  it.'  And  then  he  got  sore,  where  he 
knocked  himself;  for  his  head  is  heavy  and  his  veins  are  lanre;  and 
voke  very  grumpy,  and  rubbed  his  leg,  and  I  could  not  get  any 
more  out  of  him." 

"Why,  Bill  Chumps  is  going  into  Parliament!"  I  cried,  bcinj; 
struck  by  this  strange  coincidence  ;  "and  I  should  like  to  go 
much  wherever  he  is;  and  Holy  Twentifold  is  sure  to  go,  too;  and 
we  ought  to  do  something  between  us,  mother,  for  the  good  of  the 
coun'ry  and  all  the  poor  people,  and  to  make  things  fetch  more 
money.  I  was  reading  about  a  great  man,  the  other  day — " 

5 


66  TOMMY   UFMORE. 

' '  I  don't  want  to  hear  about  any  great  men  until  you  are  one  of 
them,  Tommy.  Go  and  play  on  the  sands,  while  I  rest  for  an  hour ; 
this  air  does  make  me  yawn  so.  Are  you  sure  you  have  got  your 
dumb-bells  in  your  pockets,  and  your  fisherman's  lead  round  the 
top  of  your  stomach?  Then  whistle  for  Grip,  for  there  might  be 
professors  down  here,  for  aught  we  know  of.  And  come  back  as 
soon  as  the  London  papers  are  down,  if  there  is  anything  about  any 
of  us." 

In  spite  of  the  weight  I  had  now  to  carry,  for  fear  of  going  out  to 
sea  again,  I  ran  away  joyfully  down  the  sands,  as  they  called  the 
gravel  where  the  sand  should  be.  At  the  ring  of  the  steel  whistle 
which  I  carried  round  my  neck,  Grip  came  bounding  from  the  inn 
to  meet  me,  and  with  mutual  confidence  we  began  to  poke  about  for 
something  to  afford  a  hunt.  Then  I  heard  a  voice  holloaing  out, 
"Hi,  Tommy!"  and  with  a  long  stride,  quite  like  that  of  a  man,  Sir 
Roland  Twentifold  came  down  to  me. 

"Why,  I  thought  you  had  given  us  the  slip,"  he  shouted,  for  he 
always  spoke  as  if  he  wanted  every  one  to  hear;  "I  came  down 
with  my  pony  on  Saturday,  but  I  could  not  see  a  sign  of  you.  And 
I  did  not  like  to  call  at  the  inn,  because  of  your  mother's  bad  health, 
you  know.  And  on  Sundays  my  mother  won't  let  me  go  far ;  be- 
cause she  is  religious,  and  so  am  I.  There  are  so  few  fellows  who 
care  for  that  now  that  I  stick  up  for  it,  and  mean  to  do  so.  I  won't 
have  everything  turned  upside  down." 

"Take  care  that  my  Grip  doesn't  roll  you  over,"  I  exclaimed,  for 
the  dog  had  no  muzzle  on;  "I  can't  always  hold  him,  when  he  takes 
a  dislike." 

"  Grip,  come  here,"  he  said,  "  and  talk  to  me.  I  have  got  a  dozen 
dogs  who  could  eat  you,  Grip.  But,  if  you  are  good,  they  shall  be 
good  to  you." 

I  could  not  help  laughing  at  this  idea,  for  Grip  could  thrash  any 
three  dogs  I  knew.  But,  to  my  astonishment,  Grip  came  up,  and 
wagged  his  tail  softly  to  Sir  Roland,  and  sniffed  about  him  pleas- 
antly, and  then  offered  his  grist  ly  ears  for  a  loving  rub. 

"Don't  be  nervous,  doggy,"  went  on  Sir  Roland,  as  if  he  were 
talking  to  an  Italian  greyhound;  "you  smell  rather  doggy;  but  I 
don't  mind  that.  If  your  master  goes  for  a  fly  every  day,  and  you 
swim  after  him,  you'll  soon  be  cured." 

"Only  fancy,"  I  said,  as  I  pulled  his  tail,  that  he  might  not  take 
up  with  a  stranger  so;  "he  had  never  seen  the  sea  before,  any  more 
than  I  had;  but  the  moment  he  knew  I  was  in  your  boat,  in  he 
dashed  to  come  and  look  after  me.  And  he  is  not  at  all  a  water- 
dog,  as  you  must  know,  having  such  a  lot  of  dogs  of  your  own.  He 


TOMMY  UPMORE.  67 

Bwallowed  such  a  lot  of  salt  water  that  he  could  only  gurgle,  instead 
of  growling,  when  the  sailors  petted  him;  and  I  do  believe,  if  you 
had  not  managed  to  get  hold  of  his  collar  with  that  long  stick,  he 
would  have  been  a  drowned  dog,  the  same  as  I  have  seen  twenty  of 
together  when  the  wind  blows  down  the  reservoir  of  the  Water- 
company.  Oh,  how  sad  it  must  be  for  their  master  and  mistress. 
If  Grip  was  to  die  I  never  should  get  over  it." 

"  What  a  soft  you  are!  Why,  you  are  crying  now,  with  Grip  all 
alive  to  lick  your  face!  Such  a  chap  as  you  would  never  do  at 
Harrow.  We  should  call  you  '  Fanny,'  instead  of  Tommy,  Upmore. 
Now,  don't  be  offended.  You  can't  expect  to  be  anything  but  a 
muff  after  going  to  a  private  school,  you  know." 

"Bill  Chumps  is  not  a  muff,  and  he  was  there  six  years.  If  Bill 
Chumps  heard  you  talk  like  that  he'd  take  you  by  the  back  of  the 
neck,  and  throw  you  over  the  top  of  that  bathing-wagon." 

"  I  beg  your  pardon,  Tommy,"  said  Sir  Roland,  whose  nature  was 
truly  generous;  "  it  was  cowardly  of  me  to  talk  like  that  when  you 
can't  help  yourself,  of  course.  Every  fellow  should  stick  up  for  his 
own  hole.  But  what  Bill  Chumps  are  you  talking  about?  There 
can't  be  very  many  Bill  Chumpses,  I  should  think." 

"I  should  rather  think  not.  There  is  nobody  like  him.  He  is 
gone  to  Pope's  Eye  College  now,  at  Oxford,  with  a  scholarship 
founded  by  his  own  father,  for  the  benefit  of  all  descendants.  And 
they  say  he  gets  on  wonderfully,  though  everybody  cut  him  for  a 
v.vrk  or  so." 

"  Well,  what  a  wonderful  thing!"  cried  Roly,  as  he  told  me  imme- 
diately that  I  must  call  him,  unless  I  wanted  to  get  a  flyer;  "I  was 
at  Oxford  last  Commemoration-time,  to  see  my  cousin,  who  went  up 
from  Harrow  just  at  the  time  when  Chumps  went  up.  He  is  two 
years  older  than  I  am,  and  a  decent  kind  of  fellow  in  his  way,  but 
sadly  short  of  what  we  call  go  ;  though  he  belongs  to  a  bigger  lot 
than  I  do.  The  Earl  of  Counterpaign  is  his  name,  as  the  song  says 
about  somebody.  And  your  Chumps  —  everybody  calls  him  Bill 
Chumps— had  pulled  him  out  of  Sandford  Lasher,  at  the  very  last 
moment  to  save  him  from  croaking.  There  were  other  men  there 
who  were  ready  to  go  in;  but  Chumps  was  first,  and  though  he  was 
not  a  great  swimmer,  in  ]\c  jumped,  and  pulled  him  up,  when  he 
was  all  but  done  for.  Bad  luck  for  me,  as  some  people  would  say, 
but  splendid  luck,  as  I  think;  for  I  don't  want  to  go  into  the  House 
of  Lords,  and  what's  the  good  of  your  own  way,  unless  you  make  it?" 

"That  was  just  like  Bill,"  I  said;  "  he  never  stopped  to  think, 
unless  there  was  lots  of  time  for  it.  He  means  to  be  a  great  man, 
ami  he  ^Yill  be,  too." 


68  TOMMY  UP  MORE. 

"That's  the  sort  of  fellow  I  should  like  to  be.  I  have  often  thought 
of  running  away  from  home,  and  the  land,  and  the  money,  and  all 
that  stuff,  and  setting  up  properly  on  my  own  account,  with  two 
nightgowns  and  six  day-shirts.  Who  can  give  any  cuds  to  a  fellow 
who  starts  with  a  heap  of  money  round  his  neck?  If  it  were  not  for 
my  mother  and  little  Laura  I  would  have  started  long  ago.  What- 
ever I  do,  I  shall  get  no  credit,  because  of  what  those  dirty  Radicals 
call  my  '  enormous  social  advantages.'  By-the-bye,  I  do  hope  you're 
not  a  Radical,  Tommy." 

"  I  should  rather  hope  not,"  I  said,  with  grand  contempt.  "  My 
father  is  a  Conservative,  and  so  am  I.  Though  I  don't  pretend,  yet, 
to  know  so  very  much  about  it." 

"All  the  better  for  that.  I  will  teach  you,"  cried  Sir  Roland. 
"I  know  all  about  it,  ever  since  I  can  remember.  And  when  my 
cousin  went  to  call  upon  Bill  Chumps,  as  he  was  bound  to  do  after 
that,  the  first  thing  he  saw  was  a  great  card  stuck  in  the  corner  of 
the  glass  above  his  chimney-piece,  with  a  baron  of  beef  and  a  haunch 
of  mutton  trimmed  with  ribbons  at  the  top,  and  then  '  W.  Chumps, 
Butcher, '  in  big  letters,  and  a  great  lot  more  about  meat  below,  end- 
ing with  'House-lamb,  when  in  season.'  My  cousin  was  surprised, 
but,  of  course,  he  said  nothing  about  it,  until  he  knew  Chumps  well. 
And  then  he  asked  him  why;  and  Chumps  said,  '  Just  to  see  wheth- 
er you  were  a  snob  or  not.'  And  now  I  tell  you,  Tommy,  that  my 
cousin  just  opens  his  door,  and  shows  out  any  swell  who  pretends 
to  patronize  his  friend  Bill  Chumps.  But  Chumps  keeps  his  dis- 
tance, and  does  not  want  them." 

"Well,  I  wonder  I  never  heard  anything  about  it.  If  butcher 
Chumps  had  heard  of  it,  wouldn't  he  talk?" 

"I  don't  suppose  Chumps  ever  said  a  word  about  it.  He  is  just 
that  sort  of  fellow,  as  they  say.  They  wanted  to  get  him  a  medal ; 
but  he  would  not  hear  of  it  at  any  price.  I  shall  make  his  acquaint- 
ance when  I  go  up;  and  I  intend  to  get  him  into  Parliament — and 
you,  too,  Tommy,  as  soon  as  you  are  old  enough.  Only  you  must 
try  to  grow  a  bit.  You  are  to  come  and  stop  at  our  place  when  the 
admiral  goes  back  to  London." 


CHAPTER  XII. 

TWENTIFOLD    TOWERS. 

ALTHOUGH  I  had  seen  the  Tower  of  London — when  our  van  went 
to  a  wharf  close  by — and  even  the  new  city  prison,  and  several 


TOMMY  UPMORE.  60 

magnificent  bouses  built  by  brewers,  all  these  were  nothing  but  dirt, 
in  my  eyes,  when  they  lit  upon  Twentifold  Towers.  This  grand 
building  was  too  long  for  a  far-sighted  man  to  see  it  all  at  once,  and 
too  high  for  ine  to  think  of  flying  over  it,  and  the  depth  that  it  went 
to  below  the  ground  was  enough  to  make  one  giddy.  And  the 
number  of  servants,  and  the  way  they  did  things,  and  the  little  they 
thought  about  money,  was  amazing.  But,  in  spite  of  all  this,  I  was 
sad  in  my  heart  to  stop  behind,  even  in  so  grand  a  place,  when  my 
father  and  mother  were  gone  back  home.  For  I  thought  of  all  the 
corners  that  I  knew  so  well,  and  the  places  in  the  cinders  where  the 
wind  blew  warm,  and  the  holes  where  you  might  roast  a  big  pota- 
to, if  you  watched  the  proper  time  for  cliukering,  and  the  grassy 
remainders  of  great  green  fields,  where  the  lark,  after  warbling  in 
the  sky  so  long,  shut  both  his  wings,  and  shot  down  in  silence,  to 
run  about  and  feel  the  land  where  he  felt  that  he  had  been  an  egg. 
And  then  I  thought  of  several  fellows,  by  no  means  grand  in  trous- 
ers or  in  manners — such  as  Joe  Grimes,  the  blacksmith's  boy,  and 
C 'barley  Turps,  son  of  the  carpenter — who  could  enter  into  my  views, 
and  let  me  into  theirs,  without  a  bit  of  language  wasted,  and  who 
had  forgiven  me,  by  this  time,  for  being  what  they  called  a  "  Latin 
Tea-kettle;"  and  of  whom,  by  this  time,  there  could  not  be  one  with- 
out a  long  tale  of  his  own  to  unfold,  and  a  long  one  of  mine  to  feel 
for.  Moreover,  I  am  not  ashamed  to  own — for  the  true  shame  ought 
to  be  upon  the  other  side — that  fat  Polly  Windsor  had  promised 
now,  for  more  than  live  years,  to  be  my  bride,  and  I  wanted  to 
amaze  her  with  a  true  account  of  the  things  I  saw  the  girls  do  down 
here.  And,  as  I  thought  of  all  these  delights,  1  did  not  care  two- 
pence to  be  a  great  man,  if  my  greatness  would  rob  me  of  half  of 
them. 

But,  before  going  farther,  I  am  bound  to  stop,  and  do  justice  to  a 
man  who  was  not  so  very  great  —  any  more  than  I  shall  ever  be — 
but  that  which  is  tenfold  rarer  now,  a  truthful,  honest,  and  cour- 
ageous man. 

It  was  not  the  loss  of  two  Sunday  hats  which  changed  my  father's 
politics,  but  the  running  away  of  the  man  who  stole  them,  without 
leaving  his  name  in  the  lining.  My  father  began  to  look  beneath 
the  surface,  having  taken  all  he  heard  on  trust  till  now;  and  as  soon 
as  he  hit  upon  facts,  he  found  that  he  must  not  find  fault  with  this 
man  for  running.  For  now  he  was  enabled  to  perceive  that  the  es- 
sence of  the  Liberal  is  to  run.  To  run  with  the  current  of  opinion 
first,  judging  from  the  froth  which  way  it  goes;  and  to  run  away 
from  his  own  principles  next,  because  they  are  bad,  while  his  con- 
science still  is  good;  to  run  with  all  speed  from  the  voice  of  reason; 


70  TOMMY   UPMORE. 

and,  above  all,  to  put  his  best  foot  foremost  in  running  for  his  life 
from  the  enemies  of  England. 

Having  set  his  mind  and  heart  against  that  style  of  going,  my 
father  discovered  that  his  own  life  grew  more  honest  and  open  in 
little  dealings,  from  a  firmer  standard  in  larger  ones.  And  though 
he  was  here,  to  some  extent,  with  a  view  to  smooth  the  way  for  a 
government  contract,  and  test  the  true  value  of  Billy  Barlow's 
tricks,  the  sterling  weight  of  his  principles  never  fell  into  the  scale 
of  his  interests. 

"How  Tommy  may  turn  out  is  more  than  I  can  say,"  he  ex- 
claimed, after  reading  Lady  Twentifold's  letter,  in  which  she  apolo- 
gized most  gracefully  for  the  liberty  she  had  been  tempted  to  take  in 
begging  them  to  spare  their  dear  bright  boy  for  a  few  days'  visit  at 
the  Towers,  though  she  had  been  prevented  by  absence  from  calling 
upon  Admiral  and  Mrs.  Upmore;  but  her  dear  son  Roland,  who 
would  bring  this  note,  would  explain  that  she  had  only  just  been 
told  of  their  sudden  return  to  London,  etc.,  etc. — all  most  pleasing, 
and  put  in  the  kindest  and  prettiest  way.  "  Whether  Tommy  will 
stick  to  the  business,"  said  father,  "  and  make  it  pay  better  than  his 
poor  governor — as  he  calls  me  when  my  back  is  turned — and  be 
able,  by  the  time  he  is  fifty  years  old,  to  pay  his  way  into  Parlia- 
ment and  represent  the  boiling  interest,  which  is  abominably  treated 
there,  it  lies  in  the  doom  of  the  future  to  bring  forth.  But  after  all 
the  years  I  have  lived  in  the  world,  although  I  have  only  been  on 
committees,  and  never  more  than  vice-chairman,  I  know  too  well 
what  statesmen  are.  If  they  can  fish  up  against  one  another  so 
much  as  the  passing  of  a  bad  penny-piece,  when  they  were  at  school 
together,  the  man  at  the  top  of  the  tree  will  never  hear  the  last  of  it. 
If  our  Tommy  goes  on  as  his  schooling  shows,  he  may  happen  to  be 
heard  of  by  and  by,  though  there's  nothing  wonderful  about  him 
yet,  except  these  lies  about  his  flying;  and  none  of  the  Rads,  if  he 
turns  out  a  Tory,  and  none  of  the  Tories,  if  he  turns  into  a  Rad, 
shall  ever  be  able  to  say  of  him  then  that  he  started  under  false  col- 
ors. Hand  me  one  of  my  invoice  slips;  there  are  three  or  four  over  in 
that  pocket-book.  I'll  be  as  straightforward  as  Bill  Chumps  was 
with  the  earl,  according  to  Tommy's  tale." 

"Oh,  what  are  you  going  to  do?"  cried  mother;  "after  all  the 
lecture  I  gave  Tommy,  and  all  I  have  done  on  the  sands.  Oh  dear! 
it  is  flying  in  the  face  of  Providence. " 

"The  Lord — if  you  mean  him  by  'Providence' — loves  the  men 
he  has  made  to  tell  the  truth,  and  the  women  likewise,  to  the  ex- 
tent of  their  powers,  though  not  so  much  insisted  on.  Sir  Roland 
is  gone  to  the  beach  with  his  pony  to  wait  for  your  answer,  I  believe. 


TOMMY  UPMORh'.  71 

Tommy  shall  take  it  down  to  him.  Read  it  as  you  go,  my  son,  and 
then  put  it  in  this  envelope." 

What  I  had  to  read  and  deliver  to  my  affable,  yet  rather  arrogant, 
friend,  ran  as  nearly  as  may  be  to  this  effect:  "Bucephalus  Upmore, 
Son  and  Successor  to  the  late  S.  Upmore,  of  the  old-established  Boil- 
ing and  Refining  Works,  etc.,  etc., "in  large  type;  and  then  in  good 
round-hand  this — "presents  his  respects  to  Lady  Towers-Twentifold, 
and  begs  to  thank  her,  on  behalf  of  self  and  wife,  for  your  kind  invita- 
tion to  our  son,  Thomas.  The  same  is  a  good  boy  and  well  brought 
up,  so  far  as  can  be  seen  to;  and  his  schoolmaster  ready  to  answer  for 
him,  and  will  never  do  any  disgrace  to  the  business,  unless  he  gets  into 
bad  company.  But  from  experience  of  the  world  B.  U.  expects  to 
hear  no  more  from  your  ladyship  as  soon  as  she  knows  all  about  our 
Tommy.  He  can't  fly  no  more  than  his  father  can,  and  he  goes 
from  Happystowe  by  railway  bus,  as  soon  as  all  of  us  has  had  our 
dinner,  which  was  a  great  mistake  in  coming  down,  to  start  with 
breakfast  only.  Offering  your  ladyship  all  good  wishes  from  a  hap- 
py stay  here  at  Happystowe,  remain  your  obedient  servant  to  com- 
mand, Bucephalus  Upmore,  of  address  above." 

Now  it  went  very  much  against  my  grain  to  deliver  this  letter  to 
my  friend  Roly — for  my  friend  I  may  call  him  by  this  time,  after  the 
things  we  had  done  and  enjoyed  together.  For  I  had  taught  him 
several  ingenuities,  such  as  a  London  boy  can  show,  of  clogging  the 
wheels  of  the  bathing  wagons,  and  pouring  a  little  tar  into  the  shoes 
left  on  the  beach  by  paddlers,  and  other  devices  even  better ;  so  that 
we  had  made  rare  larks  together,  and  he  would  find  it  dull  without 
me.  "All  up  now," I  cried,  as  he  came  at  full  gallop  for  his  an- 
swer, "  tlie  governor  has  done  for  all  my  chance  of  ever  going  up  to 
your  place.  Look  what  he  says!  And  not  half  of  it  is  true.  We 
are  boilers;  but  we  don't  make  dips  like  that." 

Sir  Roland  was  looking  at  a  bunch  of  rush-lights,  very  well  done, 
but  much  older  than  I  was — for  night-lights  had  long  superseded 
them — and  he  could  not  help  laughing,  though  he  tried  severely. 
And  I  had  talked  rather  largely  about  commerce  once  or  twice, 
when  we  got  into  abstract  subjects,  as  we  used,  when  the  last  chance 
of  a  lark  was  gone.  "  He  has  done  it  on  purpose,"  I  said,  "  to  pull 
me  clown.  Why,  he  might  have  used  his  new  bill-heading,  quite 
like  a  picture  you  can  look  at,  with  a  palm  in  the  middle,  and  an 
olive  full  of  oil,  and  two  great  cannons  made  into  candle-sticks  for 
his  viririn-honey  patent  that  burns  like  bees,  and  land-steam  on  one 
side  and  sea-steam  on  the  other,  to  show  the  extent  of  his  trans- 
actions. Tell  my  dear  lady  ihat  wretched  old  thini:  came  down,  I  am 
sure,  from  my  grandfather.  Oh,  what  was  mother  about,  to  let  him?" 


72  TOMMY  UPMORE. 

"Admirals  are  wilful  men,"  replied  Sir  Roland,  seriously  re- 
garding that  vile  bill-head;  "and  they  won't  always  listen  to  their 
wives." 

"  Did  I  ever  call  him  an  admiral?  Did  he  ever  say  he  was  an  ad- 
miral? Did  any  of  us  ever  tell  a  single  lie  about  it?" 

"  Tommy,  my  boy,  don't  be  excited,"  Sir  Roland  said,  as  gravely 
as  he  could  contrive;  "I  have  seen  a  great  deal  of  the  world,  though 
I  am  young ;  and  of  course  I  was  aware,  from  the  very  first  moment, 
that  you  belonged  to  the  commercial  classes;  which  (as  I  read  the 
other  day)  are  rapidly  becoming  the  mainstay  of  England  against  the 
wild  inrush  of  anarchy.  You  know  I  told  you  that  the  other  night, 
after  we  had  cut  the  mooring-ropes  of  the  three  machines  of  the  Rad- 
ical. Very  well,  if  you  are  in  trade,  where  is  the  difference  between 
big  and  little?  The  retail  dealers  are  the  loftier  class,  because  they 
make  less  profit.  I  have  thought  about  these  things  for  several  hours, 
and  I  am  not  misled  by  what  I  read.  And  the  conclusion  I  have 
come  to  is  just  this — that  the  retail  man  is  of  a  higher  class,  in  every 
way,  than  the  wholesale  one. " 

"  But,"  I  said,  as  firmly  as  I  could  say  it,  and  proudly  repressing 
all  tendency  to  tears,  "  we  are  wholesale,  wholesale  all  over.  Even 
father  can't  say  less  than  that,  when  he  wants  to  run  down  all  of  us, 
to  keep  our  ideas  from  spreading." 

"  Never  mind,  Tommy,  what  you  are,"  Sir  Roland  replied,  as  he 
buttoned  up  his  coat;  "you  may  be  a  gentleman  in  any  calling,  if 
you  don't  run  other  people  down.  That  is  the  surest  sign  of  a  cad, 
and  I've  never  seen  any  sign  of  that  in  you.  Now,  I  must  be  off 
like  the  wind  for  home,  because  I  am  resolved  to  come  back  in  time 
for  you.  We  shall  want  you  all  the  more  for  this,  friend  Tommy. " 

"  I  won't  come  now,  if  you  ask  me,"  I  called  out,  as  he  stuck  his 
legs  round  his  pony,  "  because  I  shall  know  }rou  are  thinking  about 
the  dips." 

"Keep  out  your  things  from  the  rest  and  have  them  ready.  The 
station  bus  goes  at  two  o'clock.  I  shall  come  with  a  light  trap,  at 
half -past  one;  and  nobody  will  ask  you  about  coming." 

By  this  he  meant  that  I  should  have  to  come  nolens  xolcns,  as  we 
said  at  school;  but  having  more  faith  in  my  father's  knowledge  of 
the  world,  I  did  not  expect  it.  However,  with  mother's  consent,  my 
clothes  and  books  were  packed  in  my  own  little  box,  while  father 
laughed,  and  said,  "Please  yourselves,  so  long  as  they  go  safe  to 
Maiden  Lane."  But  soon  he  was  obliged  to  confess  his  mistake  and 
let  mother  triumph  over  him.  For  while  the  bus  was  standing  at 
the  door,  and  our  luggage  was  going  down  heavily,  and  my  father, 
in  the  window,  was  taking  his  last  look  at  a  great  ship  in  the  dis- 


TUMMY   UPMORK.  7;; 

tance,  a  quick  light  sound  of  wheels  came  up  the  staircase,  and  run- 
ning out  th:it  way  I  saw  a  horse  with  his  forehead  pulled  up  right 
against  the  forehead  of  the  bus  horse,  as  if  they  were  playing  at 
"conquerors."  The  new  horse  was  beautiful  and  full  of  pride;  and 
the  bus  horse  looked  at  him  with  mild  reproach  between  his  shabby 
blinkers,  as  if  he  were  saying:  "Wait  till  you  grow  old,  and  you 
won't  come  flustering  a  poor  horse-brother  with  your  dash  and  frip- 
{•»  iv  and  self-conceit." 

"This  for  you,  ma'am!"  cried  the  Boots  to  my  mother,  running 
up  as  if  he  had  no  breath  left,  from  the  labor  and  peril  of  our  boxes, 
"and  young  Master  Roland,  ma'am  —  please,  ma'am,  his  compli- 
ments, and  he  is  waiting  for  Master  Tommy,  ma'am." 

"  Most  polite  and  most  kind  of  her  ladyship  indeed!  Bucephalus, 
what  do  you  say  to  that?  Which  of  us  understands  good  society 
be>t,  if  you  please,  my  dear,  if  you  please  to  answer  me.  What  did 
I  tell  )Tou  on  Monday  week,  Tommy,  about  what  had  been  in  my 
family?  It  requires  that  kind  of  preparation  to  understand  these 
things,  my  dear.  But  he  can't  go  with  less  than  a  guinea  in  his 
pocket.  Pull  out,  Mr.  Upmore." 

My  father  was  obliged  to  do  all  that,  except  that  he  took  five  per 
cent.,  as  the  style  of  the  age  is,  from  the  beauty  of  the  guinea;  and 
dear  mother,  bearing  a  tear  of  pride  in  one  eye,  and  a  bigger  one  of 
sorrow  in  the  other,  went  to  the  bag  that  her  purse  was  locked  in, 
and  got  out  half  a  sovereign  and  looked  at  it.  "Don't  change  it, 
Tommy,"  she  said,  "until  you  don't  know  at  all  how  to  help  it. 
You  are  going  to  be  with  great  people,  my  pet,  and  you  will  have  to 
do  things  handsomely.  But  they  won't  expect  a  little  boy  like  you 
to  stand  treat,  or  tip  the  maids,  or  anything  of  that  sort ;  and  if  you 
bring  this  back  to  me,  you  shall  have  it  all  to  go  to  school  with." 

Thus,  with  more  money  than  I  ever  had  before,  or  ever  could  have 
dreamed  of  owning,  I  sat  by  the  side  of  Sir  Roland  Towcrs-Twenti- 
fold,  and  watched  him  drive  his  horse,  which  he  did,  as  he  did  every- 
thing, with  the  greatest  vigor  and  capacity.  We  seemed  to  go  as 
fast  as  I  could  fly— with  science  and  a  strong  breeze  after  me — and 
drip  had  to  use  all  his  legs  to  keep  up;  and  I  looked  back  sadly  at 
the  poor  old  bus,  with  father  and  his  German  pipe  upon  the  box.  and 
mother  with  her  handkerchief  waving  from  the  window;  and  Roly 
would  not  stop  for  me  to  say  another  word  to  them. 

Now,  I  need  not  have  told  all  this,  except  for  the  mean  charge 
brought  against  me,  that  I  got  into  Twentifold  Towers,  and  thence 
into  public  life,  by  trickery,  by  faNe  pretences,  and  imposture  on  the 
part  of  all  of  us,  having  conspired  among  strangers  to  present  my 
father  as  an  admiral — "The  Admiral  of  the  Fleet-ditch"  those  un- 


74  TOMMY  UFMORE. 

principled  jokers  have  dared  to  call  him,  because  the  old  Fleet  stream 
comes  down  our  valley.  Possibly,  if  the  general  public  (and  espe- 
cially the  inn)  at  Happystowe  had  not  endowed  my  father  with 
that  naval  rank,  and  therein  confirmed  him  (in  spite  of  all  protest),  I 
might  not  have  got  my  first  invitation,  which  he  cast  away  like  a 
true  Briton.  But  I  leave  the  world  at  large  to  judge  the  merits,  for 
I  have  always  found  it  waste  of  time  to  reason  with  malicious  per- 
sons. 

Have  I  patience  to  think  of  such  small  fry,  when  I  speak  of  the 
greatness  of  everything  at  Twentifold  Towers,  and  for  miles  around? 
Not  a  cold,  rigid,  and  stuck-up  greatness,  such  as  you  must  fold  your 
arms  to  look  at,  and  thank  the  Lord,  in  private,  that  you  are  not  like 
it ;  but  a  warmth  of  beauty  and  of  kindness  shed  abroad,  which  set 
me  on  the  flutter,  when  I  came  to  feel  it ;  though  my  mother  had 
provided  me  with  fifteen  pounds  of  lead  in  the  hollow  at  the  bottom 
of  my  chest.  But  at  first  I  was  frightened,  as  you  may  suppose,  and 
kept  asking  myself  what  good  would  be  my  best  clothes,  even  to 
play  in,  here?  Then  Lady  Twentifold  came  out,  and  kissed  me,  and 
looked  at  the  tears  in  my  eyes  with  love — because  she  had  lost  a  lit- 
tle boy  like  me — and  my  heart  went  to  her,  so  that  I  saw  nothing  of 
the  height  or  size  of  anything,  so  long  as  I  could  see  her,  and  think 
about  her,  and  feel  how  good  she  was  to  me. 

"You  will  see  a  great  friend  by  and  by,"  she  said.  "What  a 
distinguished  boy  you  are,  to  have  formed  such  lofty  friendships! 
And  chiefly  because  of  your  bodily  gift  of  weighing  less  than  you 
ought  to  weigh.  Why,  a  boy  with  the  mind  of  a  Shakespeare  to  come 
might  pour  forth  poem  after  poem,  and  nobody  care  to  inquire  into 
him.  Even  Professor  Megalow,  universal  as  he  is,  might  never  even 
chance  to  hear  of  him." 

"  Oh,  is  it  Professor  Megalow?"  I  asked,  with  glad  excitement;  "  I 
am  not  afraid  of  any  place  when  I  know  that  ha  is  near  it." 

"Ariel,  how  unkind  of  you!  If  we  ill-treat  you,  you  can  spread 
your  wings.  But  I  have  not  even  seen  your  great  friend  yet.  He  will 
not  be  here  till  dinner-time.  He  is  carving  what  he  cares  for  more 
than  anything  we  can  offer — a  poor  dead  whale,  at  CrowtonNaze." 

Now  behold  the  reward  of  virtue — for  in  the  present  state  of  this 
wicked  world  it  may  be  taken  as  a  high  reward  to  escape  the  pains 
of  punishment!  If  I  had  gone  as  an  admiral's  son  to  Twentifold 
Towers,  how  should  I  have  looked  when  Professor  Megalow,  know- 
ing all  about  us,  and  having  smelled  our  works  afar — which  proba- 
bly helped  to  draw  him  towards  us,  for  congenial  nutriment — now 
came  up  with  that  large,  sweet  smile  which  spreads  all  over  his  face 
and  body,  and  said,  "  My  dear  little  friend,  how  are  you?" 


TOMMY  UPMORE.  75 

This  was  the  first  time  I  ever  beheld  him  in  evening  dress,  and  he 
astonished  me,  because  a  very  old  hat  had  always  been  part  of  his 
equipment,  lie  may  have  contrived  to  leave  it  somewhere,  for  he 
cannot  have  come  with  a  good  one.  Neither  was  that  the  only  thing 
in  his  present  appearance  amazing,  for  he  had  put  himself  into  a 
black  velvet  coat,  as  the  smartest  thing  he  could  find  in  his  trunk, 
and  grand,  I  can  tell  you,  he  looked  in  it.  From  daybreak,  until  he  had 
to  go  and  wash,  he  had  been  at  work  at  that  great  whale,  not  only 
directing  a  mob  of  clod-hoppers  how  to  hop  about  upon  a  whale,  but 
also  with  his  own  iron  arms  performing  all  work  that  called  for  skill 
and  strength.  And  yet  there  was  no  sign  of  work  about  him,  neither 
any  talk  or  thought  of  work;  and  he  would  not  be  made  (though 
Lady  Twentifold  tried  her  best  to  make  him,  and  so  did  Sir  Roland, 
with  downright  "  fishers" — as  we  used  to  call  tapping  a  master  at 
school,  to  do  a  hard  sentence  for  us),  by  no  manner  of  means  could 
he  be  brought,  to  speak  as  if  he  wanted  to  be  listened  to. 

This  was  the  very  thing  that  I  had  known  ever  since  he  came  first 
with  the  other  four  professors.  Of  them  there  was  not  one  that 
would  leave  off  talking,  for  the  sake  of  the  public  or  of  one  another, 
or  even  for  his  own  sake;  neither  would  they  breathe  enough  to  let 
another  voice  in;  but  the  measure  of  every  man's  mind  was  his 
lungs.  And,  to  countervail  this,  it  has  been  laid  down  by  nature, 
that  the  men  who  have  something  to  say  don't  say  it. 

But  though  this  professor  in  his  leisure  time  would  play  round  the 
edge  of  his  learning  rather  than  plunge  other  people  into  it,  it  was 
quite  impossible  for  even  me  (a  careless  and  light-headed  boy)  to  be 
with  him  without  learning  something.  And  my  firm  belief  is,  that 
although  1  know  very  little  at  this  time  of  writing,  whatever  I  have 
learned  of  larger  things  than  little  human  creatures  was  gained  upon 
that  whale,  where  the  great  mind  came  to  study  the  great  body. 


CHAPTER  XIII. 

WHALEBONES. 

MY  dear  mother  always  says,  and  allows  no  contradiction  about  it, 
that  this  whale,  being  all  bones  and  blubber,  had  no  right  whatever 
to  come  ashore  there,  and  to  set  me  against  my  father's  trade.  She  de- 
clares that  all  science  is  full  of  smells  a  thousand  times  worse  than 
we  make,  and  that  all  their  fuss  about  drains  is  just  that  they  may 
get  themselves  cleaned  up  for  nothing.  All  the  people  before  her 
in  generation  lived  to  be  ninety,  without  any  dram  upon  them;  ex- 


76  TOMMY  UPMORE. 

cept  her  own  parents,  and  why  did  they  die?  Why,  because  there 
was  a  drain  carried  through  their  garden,  and  the  smell  caine  in  and 
choked  them! 

In  support  of  this  view  there  is  much  to  be  said ;  and,  according 
to  my  own  experience,  ten  people  are  killed  by  the  making  and  open- 
ing of  drains  for  one  who  can  hope  in  his  lungs  that  he  breathes 
better  air  when  near  them.  Nature  has  designed  the  human  race 
to  stand  well  apart  on  the  face  of  the  earth,  and  not  huddle  up  in 
hillocks,  as  the  emmets  do;  and  their  certainty  of  fighting  when  they 
get  too  thick  shows  this  without  further  argument.  And  another 
thing  that  proves  it  is  the  fact  that  when  they  clot  together  they 
make  drains,  which  destroy  everybody  who  is  fond  of  them.  My 
father  was  as  well  as  any  man  could  be  till  what  they  call  "sanitary 
engineering  "  broke  his  constitution ;  and  the  lively  smells  that  our 
works  had  scattered  were  bottled  into  deadly  poison. 

As  yet  I  was  too  young  to  understand  such  matters,  or  even  to 
give  a  thought  to  them;  but  the  standing  I  took  upon  that  whale,  and 
the  pleasure  with  which  I  went  into  him,  did  a  great  deal  for  me  in 
the  good  opinion  (than  which  there  could  be  no  better  one)  of  the 
kind  Professor  Megalow.  Holy  would  not  come  anigh  our  opera- 
tions after  one  experiment, and  a  short  one;  but  I, with  my  quickness 
and  lightness  of  tread,  was  of  some  little  service,  I  do  believe,  in 
the  cause  of  harmless  science.  I  learned  all  the  names  of  the  pro- 
fessor's tools,and  could  bring  them  to  him,  without  wanting  any  .lad- 
der, and  any  little  cut  that  could  be  made  without  much  strength  I 
could  make  under  his  direction,  while  he  was  at  the  bigger  work. 
He  did  not  attempt  to  get  all  the  skeleton,  greatly  as  he  longed  to 
do  so;  for  this  was  no  whale  to  be  found  every  day,  but  one  who  had 
no  business  here,  and  his  name  was  like  that  of  a  large  pipe.  The 
professor  sighed  heavily  as  his  bones  grew  more  and  more  attractive, 
and  hung  over  us  like  a  great  arbor,  drooped  with  a  fine  collection 
of  creepers ;  but  he  knew  long  since  what  it  is  to  depend  for  money 
upon  the  government.  Lucky  would  he  be  to  get  the  head  and  fins 
and  tail  and  some  other  odds  and  ends,  if  a  dozen  rival  claimants 
would  let  him  have  so  much. 

"That  whale  is  mine,"  said  Lady  Twentifold;  "he  chose  to  land 
on  my  property,  and  I  give  him  to  Professor  Megalow;  not  to  the 
government,  that  won't  pay  a  penny,  but  to  the  professor,  to  put  in 
his  own  garden. " 

"That  whale  belongs  to  me,"  said  the  local  receiver  of  the  droits 
of  the  admiralty  ;  "the  foreshore  is  vested  in  the  crown,  and  the 
admiralty  represents  the  crown. " 

"  Clearly,there  can  be  no  question,"  said  the  man  who  represented 


TOMMY  UP  MORE.  77 

the  Trinity  House,  "that  the  whale  is  ours;  and  we  mean  to  have 
him." 

Thru  there  came  a  lawyer,  employed  by  the  crew  of  the  boat  who 
had  lir>t  harpooned  him,  and  another  retained  by  the  men  who 
stuck  him  last,  and  another  by  a  captain  who  had  espied  him  go 
down,  and  another  by  a  fisherman  who  headed  him  ashore,  and 
one  by  the  coast-guard  who  had  seen  him  stranded  first,  and  two  by 
a  man  who  had  foretold  the  weather,  and  kept  his  ropes  ready, 
though  he  never  had  to  use  them.  But,  in  spite  of  all  these  claims, 
the  men  who  got  him,  or,  at  least,  got  all  the  best  of  him,  were  the 
men  who  made  no  claim  at  all,  but  came  down  with  carts  and  casks, 
and  helped  themselves. 

For  my  part,  I  thought  it  not  only  unjust  but  stupid  that  I  should 
work  so  hard,  and  establish  a  right,  as  the  professor  said,  to  a  very 
considerable  share  of  blubber,  and  my  father  not  get  a  pailful  !  I 
wrote  to  him.bcginuing  with  a  line  of  Latin— not  so  much  to  accredit 
my  learning,  as  to  make  him  pay  proper  attention — and  after  that  I 
said  that  here  there  was  any  quantity  of  stuff  such  as  he  could  never 
get  for  love  or  money  (unadulterated),  and  it  was  to  be  had  for  the 
asking,  or  rather  for  taking,  without  asking.  I  told  him  how  it 
shone  in  the  sun,  and  held  together,  and  took  different  colors  as 
you  looked  at  it,  and  I  was  sure  that  he  would  make  his  fortune,  be- 
cause he  could  get  it  for  nothing,  and  make  it  mix  up  into  every- 
thing. And  I  was  certain  of  stirring  him  up,  and  getting  five  shil- 
lings by  return  of  post,  when  I  added,  "Everybody  says  that  31  r. 
Barlow,  of  llappystowe  Candle  Works,  will  make  a  thousand  pounds 
out  of  this  poor  whale  that  is  being  cut  up  by  me  and  Professor 
Mcgalow. " 

My  mother  was  kind  enough  to  answer,  but  without  any  sort  of 
reference  to  business.  My  father  took  no  more  notice  of  my  letter 
than  if  I  had  sent  him  a  bark  of  Grip's,  instead  of  a  pill-box  filled 
with  sample  from  my  own  knife,  at  a  place  where  the  blubber  was 
more  than  fourteen  inches  thick.  And  this  goes  some  way  to  prove 
that  his  mind  was  already  on  the  rise  above  the  smaller  details  of 
his  business,  and  getting  into  larger  views  of  lofty  subjects,  such  as 
chemical  researches,  political  economy,  and  even  government  con- 
tracts. And  it  turned  out  afterwards,  as  you  will  see,  that  he 
right  in  attending  to  these  wholesale  points. 

Dear  mother  sent  me  half  a  crown  in  stamps,  for  fear  of  my 
changing  the  half -sovereign,  and  related  a  beautiful  dream  she  had 
enjoyed  about  me  and  Professor  Mcgalow  standing  on  the  whale 
with  our  wings  spread  out.  She  knew  from  all  the  pictures  what  a 
whale  was  like,  and  hoped  (for  the  sake  of  my  new  overcoat)  I  kept 


78  TOMMY  UPMORE. 

out  of  the  way  when  he  spouted.  And  if  I  could  bring  a  piece  of 
genuine  bone,  for  the  sake  of  her  stays,  it  would  be  such  a  comfort, 
fcr  everything  now  was  adulterated,  and  their  want  of  spring  ran 
into  her.  And  then  she  added  that  she  did  riot  think  I  had  better 
write  a  line  to  Polly  Windsor  (though  she  sent  me  a  message  from 
Polly,  to  say  that  I  ought  to  have  done  it  long  ago),  because  it  was 
not  so  well  to  go  too  far,  and  create  expectations  which  might  come 
to  nothing.  Her  own  opinion  was,  that  after  my  last  fly,  and  the 
high  society  it  led  to,  there  was  no  telling  what  might  be  before  me 
in  the  family  way,  and  otherwise.  But,  above  all,  she  begged  me, 
for  her  dear  sake,  not  to  trust  to  the  grand  dinners  I  got  here,  and 
their  turtle  and  their  venison  and  their  Aspic  jelly,  but  to  keep  the 
tongue  of  the  buckle  of  my  lead-belt  in  the  third  hole  from  the  end ; 
for  if  the  wind  took  me  out  over  the  sea,  what  could  Lady  Twenti- 
fold,  and  the  whale,  and  even  the  great  professor  do? 

I  was  quite  content  to  save  fingers  from  pen  in  the  direction  of 
Polly  Windsor.  Polly  was  very  well  in  her  way,  when  she  chose 
to  be  pleased  and  look  pretty.  Moreover,  she  was  a  very  well-grown 
girl,  with  broad  shoulders  and  big  arms  and  long,  brown  hair,  and 
her  feet  so  truly  a  pair  that  she  could  never  tell  her  right  shoe  from 
her  left.  And  from  her  mother  she  had  inherited  so  much  strength 
of  dignity  that,  if  I  went  to  kiss  her  when  the  mood  was  not  in 
liking,  or  if  she  saw  me  trying  it  with  any  of  her  enemies,  she 
would  take  me  up  with  one  hand  and  lay  me  on  the  cinders.  But 
I  must  not  say  too  much  of  that,  or  Sir  William  Chumps  will  be 
down  upon  me. 

We  had  promised  to  marry  one  another,  ever  since  she  had  her 
first  pink  slips  and  I  went  into  trousers;  but  I  never  vowed  not  to 
speak  to  any  other  girl,  nor  to  let  her  box  my  ears,  and  say  "  Thank 
you,  dear,"  as  she  seemed  to  believe  that  I  had  done.  And  surely  it 
is  no  great  reproach  upon  me  that  now,  in  this  busy  time,  I  never 
thought  about  her,  unless  I  got  something  very  good  to  suck,  and 
wished  that  she  were  there  to  have  a  bit.  For  it  must  be  understood 
that  Professor  Megalow  could  not  do  a  good  stroke  of  work  with- 
out me,  according  to  the  very  best  of  my  belief;  and  as  he  was  lodg- 
ing at  Crowton  Naze,  which  was  more  than  three  miles  from  the 
Towers,  and  as  he  must  get  to  work  the  moment  that  the  sunlight 
came  over  the  sea  into  the  wattles  of  the  whale,  there  was  no  help 
for  it  but  that  I  must  be  up  by  the  crow  of  a  cock  who  lived  under 
my  window;  for  not  a  serving  man  or  ruling  woman  at  the  Towers 
would  take  sixpence  a  day  to  get  up  so  soon.  Sir  Roland  called 
me  a  confounded  fool,  and  said  that  I  came  there  to  play,  and  not 
to  work;  and  even  Lady  Twentifold  was  vexed  with  me.  But,  like 


TOMMY   UPMORE.  79 

everybody  else,  she  fell  under  the  enchantment  of  the  profe 
eyes  and  smile.  And  I  did  hear  my  lady's  favorite  maid  declaring 
to  her  cousin,  \vho  hud  to  make  my  bed,  that  you  should  have  seen 
my  lady's  face  when  she  was  told,  by  a  friend  who  pretended  t,> 
know  all  about  him,  that  the  professor  had  been  married  for  several 
years. 

At  any  rate,  he  worked  as  hard  as  if  he  had  a  large  small  family 
to  keep,  and  I  was  told  afterwards,  and  can  well  believe  (because  he 
under  the  government),  that  he  would  have  been  paid  more 
than  twice  as  much,  if  he  had  done  less  than  half  the  work.  But 
neither  of  us  gave  a  thought  to  that.  Our  object  was  to  walk  off 
with  the  whale,  or  so  much  of  him  as  was  movable,  before  the 
twelve  lawyers,  who  were  hard  at  work,  could  get  an  order  from  the 
courts  to  stop  us.  And,  luckily,  this  was  the  season  of  the  year 
when  the  law  (like  a  python)  retires  for  three  months  to  digest  its 
swallowings.  Moreover,  when  a  boat's  crew  of  people  who  care 
for  the  law  about  as  much  as  science  does,  that  is  to  say,  blunt  fisher- 
men, came  with  intention  of  landing  at  high  water  and  storming  the 
whale,  who  was  well  drawn  up,  even  the  professor  could  not  have 
stopped  them  (though  Lady  Twentifold's  bailiff  was  there,  to  back 
him  up  through  thick  and  thin),  if  once  those  fellows  could  have 
landed.  By  saying  to  Grip,  "Have  a  care,  my  boy,"  I  was  able  to 
do  a  good  turn  to  our  cause;  for  he  knew  a  guii  better  than  I  did, 
and  feared  no  other  thing  on  earth  but  that.  One  look  into  the  boat 
convinced  him  that  these  rogues  had  got  no  fire-arms,  and  as  soon 
as  he  had  knocked  over  two,  who  desired  to  land,  the  rest  held 
parley.  "Our  coast-guard  will  be  withdrawn  next  week,"  the  pro- 
fessor assured  them,  in  his  kind  and  solid  way;  and  whether  they 
misunderstood  his  meaning,  and  believed  the  preventive  men  to  be 
in  possession,  or  whether  they  were  glad  of  some  good  reason  for 
withdrawal,  at  any  rate,  they  withdrew  as  promptly  as  every  one 
of  English  race  does  now  wrhen  it  might  prove  troublesome  to  go  on. 
Moreover,  they  showed  a  grand  contempt  for  us,  which  the  mere 
act  of  running  away  exhibits.  And  in  all  probability  they  were 
wise,  for  f //•/;>  had  struck  back  upon  ancestral  qualities,  as  some 
Englishmen  do  even  yet.  By  slow  and  solid  holding  of  his  own  he 
had  thrashed  all  the  Twentifold  Tower  dogs,  every  one  of  whom 
wa<  to  have  eaten  him;  and  now  he  was  living  on  whalebone,  and 
every  muscle  was  as  hard  as  wire.  If  mental  analogy  counts  for 
aught  against  low  physical  resemblance,  Grip  was  far  more  akin  to 
th«-  English  race  than  the  present  generation  is. 

The  professor  was  delighted  with  all  these  works,  and  ns  soon  as 
we  had  finished,  and  packed  up  the  results,  he  laid  his  hand  upon 


80  TOMMY  UPMORE. 

my  head.  Upon  his  own  he  had  a  velvet  cap,  and  the  whole  of  his 
face  was  one  sweet  smile. 

"Tommy,"  he  said,  looking  steadfastly  at  me,  and  swinging  a 
little  from  side  to  side,  for  he  always  stood  with  his  head  well  back 
and  his  heels  a  trifle  forward ;  ' '  what  a  help  you  have  been,  my 
dear  little  Tommy — a  truly  strong-siding  champion!  Now,  before 
I  go  to  see  your  good  works  stowed  away  in  our  dark  recesses,  tell 
me  what  I  can  do  for  you,  to  show  the  gratitude  of  the  nation."  He 
was  fond  of  talking  in  this  style,  making  small  things  great  and 
great  things  small. 

"  If  you  please,  sir,"  I  said,  after  thinking  a  while — for  I  believed 
that  he  could  do  anything — "I  should  be  so  glad  if  you  could  stop 
me  from  having  to  go  up  in  the  air  so." 

Professor  Megalow's  bright  smile  changed  into  a  smile  of  sadness. 
He  began  to  rub  his  well-established  nose  in  the  fork  of  his  finger 
and  thumb;  and  then  he  whistled,  and  put  his  hands  into  his  trousers 
pockets. 

"Oh,  yes,  sir,  you  can,  if  you  like,"  I  said,  taking  hold  of  one 
thumb,  which  he  had  left  out;  "there  is  nothing  of  the  things  that 
can  be  done  that  you  can't  do  when  you  like,  sir.  I  only  want  to 
be  able  to  take  off  this  lead,  that  makes  me  blue  all  round,  and  to 
leave  these  heavy  things  behind,  and  get  to  feel  the  ground  under 
my  feet  go  firm,  as  it  seems  to  do  with  everybody  else  but  me.  I 
have  longed  so  often  to  ask  you,  sir;  but  I  did  not  like  until  you 
asked  me.  Oh,  Sir  Megalo-mecro-sauros,  do  try  to  help  me,  if  I 
have  helped  you." 

He  had  told  me  to  call  him  "  Mecro-sauros  "  once,  when  I  stuck 
fast  with  his  proper  name — "for  our  origin  now  is  established,  my 
Tommy;  and  yet  we  may  modify  our  pedigrees.  My  proclivities 
show  me  to  be  devolved  in  a  very  degenerate  and  underfed  form 
from  the  mighty  race  of  Saurians."  And  as  cause  and  effect  inter- 
lace each  other,  he  spent  his  life  in  dissecting  his  ancestors. 

"  Thomas,"  he  said  now,  for  whenever  he  spoke  in  a  very  solid 
vein  he  called  me  that;  "Thomas,  my  boy,  be  contented  with  that 
which  has  been  ordained  concerning  you.  Yours  is  not  the  only 
instance  of  what  our  friends  call  Meiocatobarysm;  the  meaning  of 
which  you  have  Greek  enough  now  as  well  as  experience  enough  to 
know.  The  form  of  life  in  which  you  find  yourself  is  perhaps  the 
happiest  among  all  with  which  we  are  as  yet  acquainted;  to  wit,  that 
of  an  English  boy  of  the  middle  class,  well-fed,  well-taught,  well- 
played  (if  I  may  be  allowed  the  expression),  dressed  quite  as  well  as 
he  cares  to  be,  and  walking  about  at  his  leisure,  with  an  eye  down  the 
manifold  vistas  of  mischief.  In  a  few  years  Thomas  will  have 


TOJfMY  UP  MO  RE.  81 

changed  all  that.  He  will  find  himself  bound  to  pay  rates  and  taxes, 
and  never  know  when  lie  has  paid  them  right;  to  go  to  his  office 
with  A  compressor  on  his  head,  and  measure  his  words  like  poison; 
to  doubt  his  very  oldest  friends,  and  be  hearty  with  people  he  can't 
I*-  :ir  the  siirht  of;  and  to  go  home  at  night  with  the  certainty  that 
one  run  of  bad  luck  may  ruin  him.  Thomas,  be  happy  while  you 
can." 

"But,  sir,"  I  answered,  "how  can  I  be  happy,  when  everybody 
expects  me  to  go  up?  No  one  else  in  the  world  is  expected  to  go 
up,  because  he  couldn't  do  it  if  he  tried.  And  I  can't  go  up  more 
than  once  in  a  way,  even  if  my  mother  would  allow  me.  And  yet 
I  am  always  getting  blamed  by  a  number  of  people  for  not  going 
up.  Even  Roly  is  down  upon  me  now  to  do  it ;  and  because  1  won't 
try,  and  keep  working  at  the  whale,  he  seems  to  be  getting  tired 
of  me." 

"Tommy,  that  is  sad,  and  yet  a  natural  result.  To  my  far  less 
remarkable  self  it  has  happened,  when  kind  friends  expected  me  to 
rise  too  fast.  Reserve  yourself,  Tommy,  and  preserve  your  self- 
et.  But  would  you  be  really  glad,  my  boy,  to  lose  this  special 
gift  of  yours?  Remember  that  if  you  do  you  cease  to  attract  any 
public  attention — doubtful  benefit  as  that  may  be.  Do  you  really 
wish  to  be  unable  to  pirouette  in  the  air  again?" 

Professor  Megalow  in  the  kindest  manner  put  both  hands  on  my 
shoulders  and  fixed  his  very  large  clear  eyes  on  mine.  It  was  hope- 
less for  any  one  looked  at  thus  to  tell  a  lie;  neither  was  my  nature 
that. 

"If  you  please,  sir,"  I  said,  "  there  is  nothing  I  like  better  than 
to  be  taken  for  a  wonder  of  the  world,  and  to  read  a  whole  column 
in  the  newspapers  about  me,  beginning  with  'Unparalleled  phe- 
nomenon.' But  what  I  can't  bear  is  to  be  always  bothered  to  do  it 
for  people  to  look  at ;  and  to  be  laughed  at  as  if  I  were  a  rogue,  or 
t  curmudgeon,  when  I  don't  go  up  to  order.  Sometimes  I  have 
been  tempted  to  pull  my  weights  off — but  I  promised  my  mother 
that  I  never  would  do  that.  And  you  know,  sir,  that  I  can  only  go 
up  now  and  then,  and  always  when  I  don't  want  to  do  it.  And 
when  I  come  down  again  I  am  so  stupid,  and  my  head  goes  round 
for  hours." 

"The  natural  result  of  anything  counter  to  the  ordinary  laws  of 
earth.    Have  you  anything  more  to  explain  concerning  your  wl 
M>  far  as  you  know  them?" 

"  No,  sir,  except  that  I  should  like  once  to  go  up,  if  it  was  only 
as  high  u  his  hat,  when  my  father  was  there  to  see  me  do  it.  Be- 
eause  he  is  so  cocksure  that  I  can't  do  it,  and  he  calls  it  nothing  but 

G 


82  TOMMY   UPMORK 

a  pack  of  lies.  And  somehow  or  other,  I  assure  you,  sir,  I  am  just 
like  a  lump  of  lead  when  father  is  looking  at  me. " 

"A  common  complaint  of  the  Mecturius,  Tommy,  of  the  effect 
incredulity  has  on  them.  But,  my  dear  little  anthropic  nautilus,  I 
can  do  nothing  either  to  make  or  mar  your  excursions  over  my  own 
head.  As  I  have  told  you  before,  there  is  nothing  exceptional  in  your 
formation,  only  it  happens  that  your  bodily  contour  is  exactly  such 
as  to  promote  the  tendencies  of  your  specific  levity.  Do  you  under- 
stand me,  noble  volant?" 

"  Well,  sir,  I  think  that  I  do  a  little;  but  not  very  clearly,  until  I 
get  older.  Bodily  contour  means  the  turning  of  my  body,  when  I 
go  up;  doesn't  it?" 

"No,  Tommy,  no.  It  means  physical  outline,  if  that  is  any  clear- 
er to  you.  You  give  me  a  lesson  in  lucidity,  as  the  cant  of  the  day 
calls  clearness.  To  put  what  I  mean  into  the  vulgar  tongue — which 
is  the  least  vulgar  of  all  just  now — your  outward  shape  is  especially 
fitted  to  help  the  lightness  of  your  material  in  conquering  the  power 
of  gravitation.  Your  chest  is  very  large,  and  can  be  much  ex- 
panded, your  head  is  rather  small  and  of  little  substance,  but  en- 
dowed with  a  mass  of  curls,  which  take  the  wind,  like  a  mop  being 
trundled;  your  feet  are  very  hollow  and  receive  the  air,  and  the 
palms  of  your  hands  are  concave.  Above  all,  your  stomach,  my 
dear  little  friend,  or  rather  your  hypogastrium,  has  a  curve  which 
requires  continual  attention  in  the  way  of  aliment.  If  neglected, 
this  lends  itself  at  once  to  inferior  pressure.  But,  with  all  these 
qualifications,  Tommy,  you  might  defy  the  breezes,  if  you  only  had 
a  stable  mind,  and  bones  a  little  more  like  mine." 

The  professor  had  goodly  bones  of  his  own,  as  behooves  a  great 
osteologist;  whereas  mine  are  very  small  and  slight,  and  it  takes 
some  time  to  find  them.  But  I  saw  no  way  to  increase  their  size, 
and,  before  I  could  ask  if  such  there  were,  Sir  Roland  came  canter- 
ing up,  and  behind  him  appeared  his  mother  in  a  pony-carriage, 
together  with  her  lovely  child,  Miss  Laura. 

"Oh,  how  we  shall  miss  you!"  exclaimed  my  dear  lady,  as  I  was 
allowed  to  call  her.  "Professor  Megalow,  if  I  establish  my  right  to 
the  residue  of  that  whale,  I  shall  have  it  preserved,  and  a  gallery 
made,  in  gratitude  for  all  that  we  have  learned  from  you." 

"I  heartily  hope  that  you  will,"  he  replied,  gracefully  lifting  his 
velvet  cap,  as  he  always  did  at  a  compliment;  "then  there  will  be 
some  excuse  for  me  to  come  down,  and  have  another  carve  at  him. " 

"Professor,"  cried  Sir  Roland,  who  was  always  wanting  some- 
thing, "there  is  one  thing  that  you  must  do,  before  you  go,  for  the 
finishing  touch  to  our  gratitude.  You  must  send  Tommy  up,  in 


TOMMY  UP  MO  RE.  83 

this  nice  quiet  reach,  "without  any  fellow  here  to  shoot  at  him;  and 
we'll  lie  this  kite-string  to  his  belt,  after  we  have  taken  the  lead  out, 
to  make  sure  of  his  not  drifting  out  to  sea." 

"Tommy  and  I  are  very  warm  allies,"  my  great  friend  answered, 
irravely;  "and  unless  you  behave  most  respectfully  to  him,  I  shall 
tie  the  kite-string  to  you,  and,  with  her  ladyship's  permission,  send 
you  up." 

That  was  a  very  fine  moment  for  me,  who  have  been  compelled 
by  my  peculiar  case  to  keep  such  a  sharp  lookout  what  all  the  peo- 
ple around  me  arc  thinking  of.  In  every  condition  of  things,  even 
my  best  friends  have  always  considered  it  a  nice  little  piece  of  ex- 
citement, and  a  pleasure  entirely  due  to  them,  that  I  should  go  up 
and  encounter  all  risk,  while  they  remained  below,  with  the  hearti- 
est wishes  for  my  safe  deliverance. 

Sir  Roland  Towcrs-Twentifold  looked  at  the  professor,  as  if  to 
say  at  first,  "You  could  not  do  it,  if  you  tried."  The  professor  re- 
garded him  with  earnest  sadness,  as  much  as  to  say,  "Don't  make 
me  try,  because  it  might  be  so  bad  for  you."  Then  Roly,  in  doubt 
and  alarm,  glanced  towards  his  mother,  who  had  said  that  he  knew 
no  fear.  Her  eyes  were  saddened  with  a  gleam  of  tears,  for  she  had 
long  made  up  her  mind  that  the  great  professor  could  do  anything 
permitted  by  the  laws  of  England.  Yet  honor  and  fine  sentiment 
forbade  her  to  forbid  that  her  son  should  do  a  thing  which  he  had 
urged  a  friend  to  do.  The  wise  man  enjoyed  the  situation  for  a 
moment,  then  perceived  that  it  was  painful  to  kind  and  excellent 
friends,  and  at  once  relieved  them. 

"I  withdraw  my  proposal,  which  was  rashly  made,"  he  said  to 
Lady  Twentifold,  with  that  wonderful  mixture  of  nod  and  wink 
which  had  neither  nod  in  it  nor  wink  perceptible,  and  yet  conv 
the  force  of  both;  "I  am  truly  glad  that  I  did  not  give  your  daunt- 
less son  time  to  accept  my  offer.  Perhaps  it  would  have  puzzled 
me.  if  he  had;  especially  as  my  train  will  be  due  in  an  hour,  and 
the  drive  to  the  station  takes  forty  minutes.  Is  there  any  gratitude 
in  the  sons  of  men?  If  there  be,  how  little  time  have  I  left  to  ex- 
press it — and  yet  the  wisest  plan,  for  no  length  of  time  would  suf- 
fice me!" 

He  lifted  her  white  hand  to  his  lips,  in  the  gallant  manner  which 
became  him  well;  and  my  dear  lady  bowed  over  it,  and  turned  to 
her  carriage  with  a  little  sigh,  which  conveyed  to  the  ponies — if 
they  understood  their  mistress — that  it  was  through  no  ill  will  of 
hers  that  they  never  would  be  guided  by  a  strong  male  hand. 


84  TOMMY  UPMORE. 


CHAPTER  XIV. 
A  SILLY  PAIR, 

I  HAVE  often  been  taunted  by  people  who  know  nothing  (multi- 
plied into  a  million  fibs  about  me)  that  my  mind  is  as  volatile  as 
my  body,  and  goes  about  in  an  unsettled  manner  for  want  of  the 
leaden  belt  which  motherly  care  so  long  kept  round  my  stomach. 
It  is  equally  needless  and  useless  to  present  reason  to  such  irration- 
als, and  I  try  to  be  proud,  in  my  loftier  moments,  of  affording  them 
amusement  which  amuses  me. 

But  to  reasonable  persons  who  can  hearken  to  a  thing,  and  take 
it  into  common-sense,  and  wreigh  it — whenever  it  concerns  their  own 
affairs  enough — to  these  (if  any)  I  would  simply  say,  "follow  my 
own  history  of  my  own  acts,  and  judge  by  my  own  account  of  what 
nobodjr  else  can  know  so  well."  And  any  one  proceeding  upon  this 
fair  principle  will  find  more  to  approve  than  to  condemn  in  me, 
however  much  I  may  tell  against  myself. 

Hoping  that  fair-play  will  prevail — as  it  generally  does  in  the  end 
— I  confess  that  at  this  very  tender  age  of  fifteen  I  proved  for  the 
rest  of  my  holidays  untrue  to  the  image  of  Polly  Windsor.  Polly 
was  not  there,  and  even  if  she  had  been,  how  would  she  have  looked, 
I  should  like  to  know,  by  the  side  of  Laura  Twentifold?  She  was 
double  her  size,  that  is  certain,  at  the  least;  but  in  quality,  oh  what 
a  difference !  And  yet  again  manners,  and  the  fear  of  what  I  might 
say  greatly  against  my  own  interest,  enable  me  to  speak  in  a  chast- 
ened st3^1e,  and  to  do  that  I  had  better  leave  Polly  still  absent. 

On  the  very  day  after  Professor  Megalow  returned  to  his  duties 
in  London,  my  dear  lady  comforted  her  mind  by  returning  to  the 
place  still  full  of  him.  You  must  understand  that  the  professor 
had  never  been  actually  staying  at  the  Towers,  because,  without 
any  other  full-grown  gentleman  dwelling  in  the  house,  it  might  have 
looked  amiss  ;  so  he  had  his  own  camping-place  at  Crowton  on  the 
Naze,  which  is  ten  miles  farther  up  the  coast  than  the  rising  water- 
ing-place called  Happystowe.  Yet  there  had  not  been  many  days 
when  he  failed  to  put  himself  in  spruce  attire,  so  far  as  his  nature 
permitted,  and  to  dine  and  make  a  pleasant  evening  with  my  lady 
and  her  gallant  son,  Sir  Roland.  And  when  he  was  gone,  it  could 
not  be  helped  that  the  evenings  should  grow  long  and  dull. 


TOMMY  UPMOlil-:.  85 

It  must  have  been  August,  and  about  the  middle  of  it  (according 
to  our  holidays,  which  were  sadly  near  their  end),  when  my  dear 
lady  walked  down  the  sands  to  talk  to  an  ancient  fisherman  about 
keeping  the  relics  of  the  whale  upright.  Holy  was  gone  with  the 
keeper  inland,  to  see  about  exercising  some  young  dogs  in  prepara- 
tion for  the  shooting-time,  and  the  lovely  little  lady  and  myself  were 
left  to  look  for  pretty  shells  and  to  amuse  each  other.  And  I  never 
grew  tired  of  obeying  her  commands,  so  sweet  was  her  voice  and 
so  gentle  were  her  eyes. 

"  Now  I  want  to  show  all  these,"  she  said,  "to  my  darling  Doro- 
thea, that  she  may  choose  exactly  what  she  likes;  and  it  is  high  time 
to  put  her  necklace  on  that  you  have  made  so  beautifully,  Ariel." 

She  always  called  me  "Ariel,"  because  she  had  heard  her  mother 
do  it  once  or  twice,  and  she  said  it  was  so  much  prettier  than  "Tom- 
my." And  although  she  was  more  than  ten  years  old,  she  had  not 
outgrown  the  wholesome  joy  of  a  little  woman  in  her  baby-doll. 
Dorothea,  moreover,  was  quite  young  at  present,  and  sweetly  in- 
structive in  the  newest  fashions,  having  only  come  two  days  ago 
from  Paris,  with  the  kind  introduction  of  Professor  Megalow. 

"You  may  sit  down  quite  close  to  dear  Dorothea,  because  you 
are  not  clumsy  and  rough,  like  Holy,  who  cannot  at  all  enter  into 
the  feelings  of  a  lovely  and  delicate  creature  like  this.  And,  Ariel, 
I  am  quite  sure  that  Dolly  will  like  you  as  soon  as  she  opens  her 
< 'Yt •>,  which  are  shut  now,  you  must  understand,  from  the  sea-air 
being  too  much  for  her.  But  you  must  let  me  put  her  necklace  on, 
although  you  have  made  it  so  beautifully;  not  that  I  would  not  trust 
you  to  do  it,  but  because  you  cannot  understand  her  hair.  It  would 
hardly  be  proper  if  you  did,  you  know." 

She  was  always  like  this,  such  a  sweet  little  love,  so  afraid  of  hurt- 
in  LT  anybody's  feelings,  and  so  ready  to  think  everybody  good.  When 
I  sat  down  near  her,  on  a  bank  of  bed-rushes,  with  the  doll  sitting 
carefully  between  us,  I  could  not  help  feeling  ungrateful  in  my  heart 
for  the  prospect  of  Miss  Polly  Windsor  to-morrow  !  And  I  could 
not  quite  fancy  that  Maiden  Lane— though  alive  with  delights  of  its 
proper  class— could  supply  such  contentment  to  sight  and  thought 
(not  that  I  put  it  so' grandly  then)  as  the  place  I  sat  in  and  the  tilings 
I  saw.  For  the  tide  was  coming  in,  with  pleasant  feeling  of  tl: 
and  ready  briskness  of  the  things  that  had  been  waiting  for  it.  At 
every  short  step  that  it  made  in  advance — for  the  waves  toddled 
in  like  babies — there  was  some  pretty  thing  starting  up  in  front  to 
run  and  to  glisten  before  it.  15ut  the  prettiest  thing  of  all  sat  there 
by  me. 

You  arc  always  at  work,"  she  said,  "  always  doing  something. 


86  TOMMY  UPMORE. 

Why  do  people  want  us  to  be  educated  so?  Those  funny  letters 
are  all  Greek,  I  know,  because  Holy  has  got  some  that  he  learns  at 
Harrow.  But  he  doesn't  seem  to  like  it,  more  than  I  like  French, 
and  he  puts  it  in  a  cupboard  for  the  holidays.  Ariel,  why  should 
you  work  more  than  Roly  does?  He  never  does  a  thing  unless  he 
likes  it." 

I  had  thought  this  out,  and  my  reply  was  ready.  "  Roly  will  be 
a  rich  man,  and  I  shall  not.  He  belongs  to  great  people,  and  I  be- 
long to  small  ones.  He  will  get  on  all  the  same  whether  he  works 
or  not." 

"Then  I  call  that  as  unfair  as  anything  can  be.  And  I  could 
not  have  believed  it,  though  I  know  you  tell  the  truth,  unless  I  had 
heard  of  such  things  before.  We  all  ought  to  work  to  do  good,  of 
course,  but  not  in  the  middle  of  the  holidays." 

"I  have  got  to  go  back  to  Old  Rum  on  Monday,"  I  answered, 
with  a  wistful  gaze  at  her;  "  and  unless  I  can  say  a  hundred  lines 
of  Homer,  beginning  at  the  place  where  we  left  off,  cracks  will  be 
the  word,  and  no  mistake.  And  he's  come  to  be  so  sharp,  from  be- 
ing done  so  often,  that  there's  not  a  fellow  now  with  the  pluck  to 
run  a  tib,  or  a  crib,  or  a  leary  round  the  corner.  Fon  d 'apumcibo- 
menos  is  the  only  cock  that  fights." 

"  What  a  lucky  thing  it  is  to  be  a  girl!"  She  cast  her  eyes  down 
after  looking  at  me,  to  learn  my  opinion  of  this  sentiment,  for  that 
opinion  showed  itself  as  opposite  as  could  be  to  hers.  "I  only 
mean  because  we  don't  get  cracks,  and  we  don't  jump  on  one  an- 
other, as  they  do  to  you  sometimes.  Oh,  Ariel,  how  can  you  put  up 
with  that?  And  then  they  tie  a  string  to  your  toe  at  night.  What 
courage  it  must  take  to  be  a  boy !" 

"Before  Bill  Chumps  went  to  Oxford,"  I  replied,  while  looking 
at  the  tiny  foot  she  put  forth  on  the  sand,  "he  shut  up  all  bully- 
ing in  our  school.  There  used  to  be  a  lot  of  it ;  and  after  getting 
taw,  or  togy,  in  the  playground,  and  rats  in  school,  a  fellow  couldn't 
sleep  for  fear  of  cramp.  But  Bill  set  up  a  different  fashion  alto- 
gether, and  the  little  fellows  now  begin  to  cock  over  us  who  are 
their  seniors.  I  am  getting  bigger  than  I  used  to  be,  and  so  well 
up  in  the  school  that  I  am  very  useful  in  doing  the  big  fellows'  ex- 
ercises. And  they  never  jump  on  me  as  they  used  to  do,  when  I 
couldn't  try  to  fly  for  them.  Grip  would  have  something  to  say  to 
them  next  morning,  if  they  tried  it." 

"Oh,  I  do  love  Grip,  because  he  is  so  ugly,  and  I  love  you,  Ariel, 
because  you  are  so  pretty,  and  so  kind  and  gentle;  and  you  never 
do  mischief  unless  Roly  sets  you  the  example.  I  shall  cry  when 
you  go  away,  I'm  sure  I  shall;  and  I  shall  put  Dorothea  into  mourn- 


TOMMY  UP  MO  UK.  87 

ing  for  you.  I  don't  believe  a  bit  that  your  papa  makes  candles; 
and  if  he  does,  how  could  we  go  to  bed  without  them?  I  should 
just  like  to  ask  people  that.  And  what  could  they  say,  I  should  be 
glad  to  know?" 

To  me  this  appeared  an  extremely  sensible  and  large-minded  view 
of  the  case,  and  I  did  not  hesitate  to  promote  it. 

"  And  what  would  you  do  without  soap,  Lady  Laura?  My  fa- 
ther makes  soap  of  the  finest  quality.  A  great  deal  better,  as  every- 
body says,  than  any  turned  out  by  Mr.  Windsor,  though  he  puts  his 
name  on  every  cake — 'Windsor's  best  brown  Windsor.'  And  no 
better  than  curds,  every  square  of  it." 

"  Then  if  I  see  any  of  it  in  my  room  I  shall  throw  it  straight  out 
of  the  window,  and  say,  '  Please  to  bring  me  Ariel's  soap.'  But  you 
must  not  call  me  '  Lady  Laura.'  My  mother  is  a  lady,  but  I  am 
not,  till  I  marry  my  cousin,  Lord  Counterpaign,  as  they  say  I  shall 
have  to  do  when  I  grow  up.  But  I  don't  care  about  him  at  all  till 
then.  He  has  got  red  hair,  and  his  eyes  are  crooked." 

Although  it  was  no  concern  of  mine,  this  arrangement  appeared 
to  me  most  unfair.  But  I  did  not  dare  to  say  a  word  against  it. 

"Oh,  Ariel,"  my  little  beauty  went  on,  after  taking  up  her  doll 
and  coaxing  it,  "can  you  think  of  anything  so  bad  as  marrying  a 
person  you  don't  like?  Because  you  can  never  get  away,  you  know ; 
according  to  the  law  of  the  laud,  I  believe,  and  according  to  the 
Bible.  My  mother  has  never  said  a  word  about  it,  but  Roly  de- 
clares that  I  am  bound  to  do  it,  and  he  is  always  determined  to  have 
his  own  way.  Oh,  Dorothea,  what  would  you  do?" 

I  knew  very  little  of  the  world  as  yet,  and  in  matters  above  me  I 
was  loath  to  speak;  but  I  could  not  help  saying,  "  There  is  lots  of 
time  yet.  You  may  trust  me  to  help  you,  if  you  only  let  me  know." 

"  How  stupid  I  ain  !  I  never  thought  of  that."  She  turned  over 
towards  me,  and  put  up  her  hands,  as  if  for  me  to  help  her,  and  then 
suddenly  began  to  stroke  my  hair,  as  she  had  often  longed  to  do, 
but  had  hitherto  refused  my  invitation.  "  I  must  do  it  once,  before 
you  go,  to  see  how  the  whole  of  it  is  fastened  on.  Don't  be  afraid; 
I  won't  hurt  you,  Ariel.  I  know  how  Ethel  Jones  does  mine.  And 
if  they  want  to  marry  me,  and  I  don't  like  it,  all  you  will  have  to  do 
is  this — to  get  into  the  train  and  come  down  here,  and  then  take  off 
your  lead  and  fly  away  with  me,  and  come  back  when  the'ceremouy 
is  over." 

"  But  how  could  they  do  it  without  you?"  I  asked. 

"  You  musn't  expect  me  to  be  reasonable  always,"  she  answered, 
and  began  to  play  with  me  gently  and  beautifully,  and  laughing  all 
the  time. 


88  TOMMY  UPMORE. 

"What  a  pair  of  silly  little  things  you  are  !"  Lady  Twentifold 
came  upon  us  suddenly,  while  Laura  was  trying  to  uncurl  my  hair 
and  I  was  offering  to  kiss  her,  but  afraid  to  do  it,  while  she  was 
dodging  in  and  out,  to  tempt  me  more.  "Ariel,  you  told  me  this 
morning  that  unless  you  learned  a  hundred  lines  of  Greek  to-day, 
you  had  better  not  been  born  next  Monday.  And  you  asked  me  to 
write  a  letter  of  apology  to  your  learned  Dr.  Rumbelow.  He  is  like- 
ly to  be  our  new  bishop,  I  was  told  this  morning,  and  it  will  put 
Roly  down,  for  he  made  sure  that  his  master  would  receive  the  offer. 
So  I  hope  that  you  will  never  call  him  '  Old  Rum  '  any  more." 

"  Old  Rum  to  be  the  bishop,  my  dear  lady,"  I  cried,  as  if  I  had 
quite  lost  my  place.  "And  who  is  to  be  our  master,  I  should  like 
to  knowT?  Oh,  I  won't  learn  another  line;  'twould  be  trouble  thrown 
away. " 

My  practical  conclusion  was  borne  out  by  facts — sad  facts  for  all 
sons  of  the  Partheneion.  Dr.  Rumbelow's  luck  was  a  joy  to  us  at 
first,  because  we  all  liked  him  and  got  off  a  lot  of  work.  But  our 
joy  soon  went,  and  a  bad  time  followed,  as  we  all  found  out,  and 
pretty  quickly  too.  For  the  new  master's  name  was  Crankhead — 
"Ernest  Manleverum  Crankhead,"  M.A.— a  Cambridge  man,  and  a 
lofty  wrangler,  but  without  much  Greek,  as  we  soon  found  out. 

Now,  before  I  left  Twentifold  Towers,  and  returned  to  the  smell 
of  our  works— which  had  changed  very  greatly  for  the  worse  while 
I  was  away  down  here,  Sir  Roland  Towers-Tvventifold  (being  well 
sixteen,  and  tall  for  his  age,  and  of  long  experience  at  one  of  our 
largest  public  schools)  took  me  aside  into  a  saddle-room,  wherein  he 
was  learning  to  smoke  cigars,  and  put  into  a  nutshell  all  the  essence 
of  the  British  Constitution.  How  I  wish  I  could  remember  what  he 
said  !  But  it  sank  into  my  mind  too  deeply  ever  to  be  brought  up 
again,  and  it  blended  with  and  flourished  in  the  flower  of  my  life, 
as  liquid  manure  re-appears  in  bright  flowers  insci^ipti  nomina,  regum. 

"  Tommy,"  he  went  on,  as  soon  as  ever  he  had  put  into  ten  words 
the  lessons  of  a  thousand  years,  "you  will  see  now  how  it  is  that 
we  don't  get  on.  We  never  get  a  man  to  take  the  lead  who  knows 
his  own  mind  and  will  stick  to  it,  and  throw  up  his  situation  rather 
than  carry  it  on  against  his  own  lights.  And  then  there  come  a  lot 
of  fellows  swarming  for  first  pull,  as  we  rush  to  the  swipes-can  after 
cricket ;  and  the  louder  any  cad  is  for  his  rights  (which  are  sure  to 
mean  the  wrongs  of  some  quieter  chap),  the  surer  he  is  to  get  served 
first.  Now,  can  you  call  this  government?" 

"I  don't  pretend  to  know  much  about  it,"  I  replied,  for  we  had 
held  some  conversation  of  this  kind  before;  "but  my  father  says 
that  any  business  carried  on  as  the  government  of  this  country  is 


TOMMY  I'l'MOhK.  so 

would  have  to  put  its  shutters  up  within  three  months,  if  it  started 
with  a  hundred  thousand  pounds.  But  you  mustn't  tell  any  one 
that  he  said  this  ;  for  I  hclieve,  by  the  way  he  would  not  answer 
me.  that  he  lias  got  a  fine  government  contract  by  this  time." 

"Your  father  is  quite  right ;  he  is  a  man  of  strong  sense,"  Sir 
Roland  made  answer  as  soon  as  he  could,  after  taking  a  large  puff 
of  smoke  the  wrong  way;  "let  him  get  every  farthing  he  can  from 
the  government,  and  then  he  will  be  able  to  understand  them.  Why 
I  might  not  have  got  the  knowledge  that  I  have,  except  for  a  trick 
that  they  wanted  to  play  about  my  cousin  Counterpaign  when  he 
comes  of  age.  Counterpaign  is  soft,  and  his  mother  BO  better;  and 
being  of  an  ancient  Tory  race,  they  expected  to  have  things  made 
smooth  for  them.  But  I  can't  stop  to  tell  you  all  that  now.  You 
are  to  come  back  at  Christmas,  and  you  shall  hear  it  then.  Coun- 
terpaign is  to  marry  little  Laura,  to  prevent  any  mischief  to  our 
property  and  influence;  and  between  us,  we  shall  send  six  members 
up,  besides  Counterpaign  himself,  in  the  Peers  of  course,  and  me  in 
the  Commons  for  the  Towers's  own  hole.  But,  Tommy,  look  at  me, 
and  tell  me  this.  If  under  a  government  that  calls  itself  conserva- 
tive, as  the  present  fellows  do,  such  things  can  be  done,  as  I  was  go- 
ing to  tell  you,  what  is  to  be  expected  of  the  Radicals?  I'll  tell  you 
what;  if  the  constitution  lasts  till  I  am  of  age — which  seems  a  most 
unlikely  thing — I  shall  want  you  and  every  man  of  sense  to  know, 
to  collect,  and  put  your  shoulders  to  the  wheel.  Remember  that." 

I  did  not  at  all  understand  what  he  meant,  although  he  had  spoken 
several  times  to  this  effect.  But  I  promised  to  do  all  I  could,  and 
was  j (leased  with  the  thoughts  of  becoming  so  important. 

"Tommy,  you  will  rise,"  my  friend  continued,  without  asking 
what  I  was  thinking  of;  "such  a  fellow  as  you  are  must  go  up,  un- 
less he  makes  a  downright  fool  of  himself.  You  can  beat  me  all  to 
fits  in  Greek  and  Latin,  though  you  have  only  been  at  a  dirty  little 
private  school.  You  have  got  a  most  wonderful  face  of  your  own, 
so  easy-going  and  sweet-tempered  that  it  makes  every  fellow  think 
you  slow,  and  drop  all  jealousy  about  you.  And  more  than  all — 
and  that  alone  should  be  enough  to  make  your  fortune — you  can 
draw  the  attention  of  the  whole  world  upon  you  whenever  you 
please  by  troing  over  their  heads.  I  have  been  very  good  in  letting 
you  off,  without  sending  you  up,  a  lot  of  times.  But  you  know  that 
1  had  done  it  upon  one  condition— you  must  cultivate  the  art  with- 
out any  one's  knowled^1,  and  be  ready  to  go  up  at  some  great  mo- 
ment when  I  give  the  signal.  Pretend  for  the  present  that  you 
can't  do  it,  but  practise  as  I  told  you  more  and  more.  I  have  sh«  >WM 
you  the  muscles  you  must  try  to  strengthen,  and  the  places  where 


90  TOMMY  UPMORE. 

you  must  lay  on  fat.  It  is  nothing  in  the  world  but  a  kind  of  swim- 
ming, and  there  everything  depends  upon  your  being  quite  at  home. 
Now  remember  what  I  say ;  and  when  you  come  down  at  Christmas 
I  shall  put  you  through  your  paces,  and  expect  to  find  you  perfect." 

"  Oh,  Holy, "  I  replied,  "you  talk  as  lightly  as  all  the  men  of  science 
did  about  me.  I  will  do  my  very  utmost  to  please  you,  I  am  sure. 
But  I  never  expect  to  be  of  any  service  to  you.  You  are  learning 
to  smoke,  and  your  smoke  goes  up,  and  that  makes  you  think  that  I 
can  do  the  same." 

' '  Exactly  so,  Tommy.  A  great  deal  of  it  went  down,  until  I  un- 
derstood it.  And  now  look  at  that!" 


CHAPTER  XV. 

POLITICAL  CECONOMY. 

BY  going  from  home  after  so  many  years,  we  had  not  only  done 
ourselves  no  good — in  the  opinion  of  our  friends  who  could  not  go 
— but  we  had  opened  the  door  to  a  swarm  of  changes  which  came 
rushing  in  upon  the  heels  of  each  other.  To  me  the  greatest  change 
of  all  appeared  to  have  taken  place  in  Maiden  Lane  itself;  for  the 
houses  had  turned  black,  and  the  windows  grimy,  and  the  roadway 
and  the  pavement  (wherever  there  was  any)  seemed  to  cry  aloud  for 
washing,  and  the  people  too,  unconscious  as  they  were  of  any  such 
desire. 

Excitement  appeared  to  be  the  main  thing  now,  and  hurry  and 
suspicion,  and  no  time  to  look  about;  whereas  both  at  Happystowe 
and  Crow  ton  on  the  Naze  the  chief  business  of  the  natives  was  to 
look  at  one  another;  and  when  there  was  no  more  to  be  made  of  that, 
to  consider  the  meaning  of  the  sand  and  sea.  And,  taken  on  the 
whole,  those  folk  looked  wiser  and  a  great  deal  happier  than  ours 
did. 

But  to  dwell  upon  that  would  be  ungraceful  now,  when  I  call  to 
mind  that  our  own  boiling  and  the  agitation  of  my  father's  engine 
had  a  great  deal  to  do  with  the  ferment  around  us.  No  sooner  had 
my  father  returned  to  business — with  Joe  Cowl  and  the  summons 
wiped  off  his  conscience,  and  Billy  Barlow's  new  devices  written  in 
his  heart — than  he  found  on  his  desk,  he  could  never  tell  how,  a 
sealed  invitation  to  tender  for  soap  for  the  heads  of  all  the  convicts 
(with  average  stated)  in  six  great  castles,  for  the  improvement  of 
our  race.  The  consumption  of  soap  per  head  was  given,  and  a 
number  of  smaller  particulars,  all  in  print  and  proper  columns,  and 


TOMMY  UPMOlih'.  01 

then  the  requirement  for  samples,  to  be  delivered  at  six  places.  And 
in  pencil,  very  faint  upon  the  margin,  there  was  written,  "It  must 
not  be  soft,  and  it  must  be  strong.  Price  not  to  be  too  low,  like  the 
liutls's  stuff.  Tallow  will  be  wanted  soon.  Rub  this  out."  There 
was  something  so  touching  in  this,  and  so  full  of  fine  feeling,  as  be- 
tween man  and  man,  that  my  father  immediately  filled  his  pipe,  and 
had  a  good  smoke  to  consider  it.  At  one  time  his  heart  warmed  up 
with  thinking  of  the  good-will  remaining  in  politics  yet,  and  the 
loyalty  every  one  is  bound  to  show  to  and  expect  from  his  own 
side.  And  yet  again  he  could  not  feel  sure  that  he  ought  to  have 
any  faith  at  all  in  this.  Why  should  there  be  six  samples  sent,  of  a 
stone  weight  each,  to  six  different  places,  and  all  to  be  left  without 
the  money?  It  looked  like  a  hoax,  with  Joe  Cowl  at  the  root  of  it, 
to  get  a  paltry  laugh  at  him,  or  else  a  swindle  to  get  three-fourths 
of  a  hundred-weight  of  soap  for  nothing.  He  resolved  to  act  warily, 
and  so  he  did.  "If  they  mean  well  to  me,"  he  said,  "they  will 
never  examine  my  samples." 

They  meant  so  thoroughly  well  to  him  that  they  sniffed  at  his 
samples  and  found  them  shocking — for  he  sent  the  worst  stuff  he 
could  lay  hand  on,  for  fear  of  having  it  stolen — and  then  they  gave 
an  order  for  sixty  tons  to  be  furnished  at  once,  and  sixty  more  to 
follow.  Our  works  had  never  sent  out  such  a  lot  before  at  one  de- 
livery; and  no  wonder  that  they  could  not  think  of  me. 

"John  Windsor  shall  not  have  a  finger  in  the  pie,"  my  father  said 
right  manfully;  "I  am  not  at  all  sure  that  his  politics  are  sound. 
He  would  lower  my  quality  to  get  the  next  himself.  You  know 
how  he  wanted  to  run  away,  Sophy,  when  that  great  bombardment 
came.  Let  every  vat  stand  upon  its  own  bottom." 

"Bucephalus,  you  are  quite  right,"  mother  answered — "as  you 
always  arc  when  you  get  on.  Work  double  tides,  Bubbly,  and 
double  your  hands.  Don't  let  them  have  a  penny  if  you  can  help 
it." 

So  grand  was  the  commodity  thus  produced,  with  the  help  of  the 
lessons  at  Happystowe,  that  it  is  remembered  to  the  present  day,  and 
cited  as  the  type  of  excellence.  For  sanitary  purposes  it  was  needed, 
and  it  not  only  met  but  transcended  them.  There  was  not  a  con- 
vict left  with  a  stub  of  hair,  though  their  hair  is  always  bristly;  and 
very  few  had  such  constitution  as  to  keep  any  roots  for  future  trou- 
ble. Universal  satisfaction  was  exprosed.  and  my  fat  her  put  up  the 
royal  arms  iwiee  as  big  as  the  knacker's  across  the  road,  and  done 
in  thicker  ti.nber.  "Thoroughly  candid  and  straightforward,"  he 
said  to  every  one  who  spoke  of  it;  "good  value  for  money,  good 
money  for  value.  Public  confidence  met  by  private  industry,  enter- 


92  TOMMY  UPMORE. 

prise,  and  honor.  I  serve  them  exactly  as  I  should  serve  you.  Just 
to  turn  five  per  cent,  on  my  money,  and  no  more.  If  any  man  calls 
that  exorbitant,  let  him  come  and  do  it  cheaper." 

The  only  thing  at  all  mysterious  was  the  requirement  for  six  sam- 
ples, to  be  delivered  at  six  places  far  apart.  But  that  was  explained 
most  pleasantly,  so  that  my  father  rubbed  his  hands  and  chuckled 
while  he  was  reading  the  debates  in  the  early  part  of  the  following 
session.  A  figuresome  member  of  the  Opposition,  who  thought  him- 
self fit  to  be  Chancellor  of  the  Exchequer,  had  given  notice  of  a  ques- 
tion concerning  a  certain  contract  for  soap  to  be  supplied  to  Her 
Majesty's  penal  establishments,  etc.,  with  dates,  and  other  insinua- 
tions. And  he  made  a  very  hasty  speech  about  it,  confounding  the 
post  and  the  propter  hoc;  quite  as  if  my  father,  whom  he  dared  to 
call  a  "wholly  unknown  manufacturer,"  had  been  preferred  for  a 
lucrative  contract  because  of  his  behavior  at  election  time!  So  far 
as  wickedness  can  be  good,  this  man  spoke  well,  having  got  up  all 
his  facts ;  and  he  sat  down  in  triumph,  as  he  thought. 

But  before  he  had  time  to  digest  his  cheers  the  gentleman  who 
was  to  reply  got  up,  with  a  beautiful  smile,  and  a  very  pleasant 
glance  at  a  paper  laid  before  him.  "I  am  furnished  with  particu- 
lars from  the  head  of  the  department  concerning  this  heinous  trans- 
action, sir,"  he  said;  "and  I  find  that  large  samples  were  taken  in 
six  quarters,  widely  apart  and  wholly  unconnected,  the  names  of 
which  I  will  read  if  desired."  Loud  cheers  followed  from  every 
corner  of  the  House — for  nobody  likes  to  have  his  own  rights  inter- 
fered with — and  the  speaker  concluded :  "  I  will  ask  for  no  apology. 
From  the  honorable  member  for  Clap-trap  it  would  be  of  no  more 
value  than  his  imputation." 

"Well,  "said  my  father,  when  he  had  read  this  twice,  "I  call 
that  something  like  a  government.  If  we  only  get  a  few  more  con- 
tracts, Sophy,  we'll  send  Tommy  into  the  House  to  see  about  them. 
There  might  be  a  stranger  thing,  my  dear,  than  a  long  blue  paper 
for  ten  thousand  pounds,  with  'Thomas  Upmore,'  signed  for  Her 
Majesty  above,  and  'Bucephalus  Upmore,'  for  himself,  below. 
What  a  rage  John  Windsor  will  be  in  when  he  reads  about  those 
six  samples,  and  not  one  of  them  gone  out  of  his  gate !  I  had  sense 
enough  to  keep  the  whole  of  that  inside  my  own  waistcoat." 

Now  it  would  have  been  good,  and  even  pleasant,  for  the  public — 
lustily  though  they  condemned  us,  at  the  time — if  the  only  increase 
of  activity  shown  in  those  parts  had  come  out  of  our  chimneys. 
But  there  always  is  a  mob  of  people  who  never  will  leave  well  alone ; 
and  these  had  got  up  deputations,  petitions,  memorials,  circulars, 
indignation  meetings,  committees,  commissions,  and,  worst  of  all, 


TOMMY  UPMORE.  93 

mi.x-ih-s,  concerning  the  wholesome  smell  we  made,  and  had  before 
some  of  their  fathers  were  born.  When  the  unenlightened  mass  of 
minds  full  into  this  bubonic  fever  of  excitement,  the  right  thing  to 
administer  is  gruel,  in  the  form  of  general  promises,  a  desire  to  hear 
all  that  can  be  said,  and  a  thoroughly  unselfish  gratitude  towards 
those  who  have  made  the  worst  of  you.  But  my  father  had  never 
possessed  this  wisdom,  which  belongs  of  sweet  right  to  the  Liberals; 
and  whether  on  the  ground  of  true  British  principle,  or  the  royal 
arms,  or  the  money  coming  in,  he  took  a  firm  stand,  with  his  hands 
in  his  pockets  and  his  legs  well  apart,  and  defied  the  public. 

"Every  blessed  flue  of  mine,"  he  said,  "have  gone  ten  feet  higher 
since  I  were  a  boy,  and  with  present  foundations  can't  go  no  high- 
er. Before  folk  grumble,  their  place  is  to  stump  up.  If  every  can- 
tankerous fellow  who  don't  know  a  wholesome  smell  by  the  touch 
of  it  would  put  down  a  half-crown,  if  he  has  got  one,  instead  of 
signing  lies  against  me,  I  don't  know  but  what  I  might  lay  foun- 
dations, and  change  rny  insurance,  and  go  twenty  foot  higher — 
though  a  heap  of  disease  would  break  out,  I  expect.  Look  at  the 
plants  in  my  bedroom  window — scarlets,  and  blue  things,  and  lilies 
of  the  Nile !  Is  there  any  man  or  wroman  round  these  parts  half  so 
good-looking  or  so  sweet  to  come  by?  They  like  it  rarely,  and  so 
would  you,  if  you  understood  what  is  good  for  you.  And  who  was 
here  first,  you,  or  I  and  my  fathers  for  three  generations  of  boil- 
ers? We  didn't  want  the  houses;  they  came  round  us;  every  brick 
of  them  was  laid  with  my  smoke  to  set  it.  And  very  good  neigh- 
bors they  have  always  been,  till  this  scientific  stuff  came  up  about 
cur-bones,  and  oxen,  and  the  Lord  knows  what!  I  tell  you  what — 
if  you  don't  like  it,  budge  yourself,  but  you  won't  budge  me." 

Such  speeches  only  made  the  fuss  grow  louder,  until  the  authori- 
ties felt  themselves  compelled  to  do  something  sanatory.  There 
was  no  Metropolitan  Board  of  Works  as  yet,  I  believe  ;  or  if  there 
was,  it  never  came  up  our  way.  But  the  vestry  of  St.  Pancras 
had  many  stormy  meetings,  which  my  father  deigned  not  to  at- 
tend; but  his  workmen  were  there  in  great  force,  and  made  more 
noise  than  our  new  steam-engine.  In  short,  the  matter  came  (as 
every  matter  does  now,  and  the  practice  already  was  beginning)  to 
what  is  (ailed  "a  reasonable  and  satisfactory  compromise,  concil- 
iating all  interests."  The  complaint  of  the  public  had  been  about 
the  air,  and  the  noxious  exhalations  and  vile  odors,  as  they  chose 
to  call  them.  But  who  can  see  the  air?  Who  can  tell  what  is  in 
it?  It  varies  with  every  puff  of  wind.  Let  us  turn  to  something 
tangible.  The  earth  is  a  thing  that  can  be  dealt  with,  and  the  earth 
is  at  the  bottom  of  every  mischief  on  the  face  of  it.  So,  to  cure  the 


94  TOMMY  UP  MORE. 

smell  of  our  chimneys,  they  ordered  a  four-foot  culvert  down  our 
valley  where  the  course  of  the  old  Fleet-stream  had  been,  and  the 
voice  of  the  public  went  off  to  it. 

This  being  settled,  my  father  was  enabled  to  make  tenfold  the 
smells  he  had  ever  made  before,  without  any  one  hoisting  a  hand- 
kerchief. An  inquisitive  stranger  would  sometimes  ask  whether 
this  neighborhood  was  always  choked  with  vapors  which  he  coarse- 
ly stigmatized.  A  piece  of  valuable  advice  (common,  yet  neglected 
universally)  about  the  prior  claims  of  his  own  affairs  was  the  only 
reward  for  his  sympathies.  What  right  had  a  fellow  with  a  walk- 
ing-stick to  come  grumbling  against  our  rate-payers,  and  their  en- 
gineers and  contractors?  Measures  were  being  taken,  or,  at  any 
rate,  were  in  contemplation;  and  every  man  with  a  horse  and  cart 
would  get  fifteen  shillings  a  day  for  them. 

But  alas,  how  little  do  we  forecast  while  we  vindicate  our  own 
welfare!  It  would  have  been  better  for  my  dear  father — as  upright 
and  downright  a  man  as  ever  lived — to  have  gone  to  the  expense  of 
a  new  chimney-stack  one  hundred  feet  high,  or  even  to  have  put 
out  all  his  fires,  than  to  have  helped  to  bring  that  drain  down  our 
hitherto  maiden  valley.  The  soil  in  the  bottom  was  of  concentrated 
essence,  combining  all  the  density  of  by-gone  generations  with  the 
volatile  relics  of  their  labors.  It  would  grow  almost  anything  if 
only  scratched,  and  no  healthier  place  for  a  walk  could  be  found; 
but  Wisdom  is  not  justified  of  her  fathers  when  she  goes  to  turn 
them  up. 

In  happy  ignorance  of  woes  impending,  I  went  back  to  the  Par- 
theneion,  and  found  the  whole  establishment  turned  upside  down. 
Grip  came  with  me,  as  a  thing  of  course,  and  found  his  old  barrel 
standing  on  its  head,  and  a  notice  upon  it  in  large  letters — "No 
dogs  allowed."  If  anything  rouses  the  juvenile  spirit,  such  rude 
breach  of  prescription  does  it.  With  the  help  of  Jack  Windsor, 
\vho  was  quite  of  my  mind,  I  replaced  the  barrel  in  its  old  position, 
which  was  snug  in  a  corner  impregnable  to  guns,  and  I  fastened 
him  there  with  his  own  long  chain,  and  said,  "  Now  defend  yourself, 
old  boy.  I  have  got  lots  of  money,  and  you  shall  not  starve."  He 
\illy  understood  the  situation,  and  the  sympathy,  if  any  should  be 
called  for,  would  be  so  by  the  person  attempting  to  dislodge  him. 

Then  all  of  us  were  summoned  to  the  hall,  to  hear  an  oration 
from  the  "principal" — as  he  styled  himself  to  start  with — our  new 
school-master,  Ernest  Manleverum  Crankhead,  a  short,  brisk  gentle- 
man, quite  young,  with  a  pale  square  face,  a  yellow  mustache,  and 
very  quick  bronzy  eyes,  which  never  took  two  seconds'  rest  upon 
anything.  Accustomed  as  we  were  to  the  long  grave  countenance, 


TOMMY  UPMORE.  95 

•waving  white  locks,  and  calm  abstracted  gaze  of  our  simple  old  Dr. 
Rumbelow,  we  could  not  believe  that  we  saw  the  new  man  until 
he  stood  up  at  what  he  called  the  rostrum,  and  hit  it  three  times 
with  an  ivory  hammer. 

"Going,  going,  gone  !"  Jack  Windsor  whispered,  and  gone  was 
the  glory  of  the  Parthencion.  We  knew  it,  we  felt  it,  without  a 
word  uttered ;  our  hearts  fell  into  the  heels  of  our  socks,  and  no  boy 
thought  twice  of  the  things  in  his  pocket.  Our  account  would  be 
with  a  sharp  hand  now,  a  resolute  and  a  malignant  one;  and  what 
was  worst  of  all — and  which  a  boy  descries  at  the  very  first  glance — 
we  should  not  have  to  deal  with  a  gentleman.  "  I  shall  never  go 
up  any  more,"  thought  I. 

I  remember  very  little  of  what  Crankhead  said,  and  none  of  it  is 
worth  repeating.  But  he  gave  us  to  understand  that  the  sooner  we 
forgot  everything  we  had  learned  hitherto,  and  began  on  lines 
entirely  new,  the  better  it  would  be  for  our  own  minds  and,  what 
mattered  far  more,  our  success  in  life.  For  the  few  whose  parents 
iniLiht  still  be  benighted  enough  to  insist  upon  Greek  and  Latin,  a 
ical  master  would  be  kept,  but  the  College— for  such  he  had 
the  cheek  to  call  it — would  henceforth  aim  at  a  loftier  mark.  Sci- 
ence was  the  noble  and  simple  distinction,  the  all-absorbing  element, 
of  this  age.  Mankind  had  been  lying  on  their  backs  till  now,  look- 
ing up  at  the  stars  and  at  imaginary  powers;  now  they  arose  and 
asserted  their  rights  and  their  kinship  to  every  organic  being,  and 
the  interchangeability  of  everything.  Classes  for  science  would  be 
formed  to-morrow,  under  the  charge  of  the  four  most  eminent  pro- 
fessors of  the  period,  Professors  Brachipod  and  Jargoon,  Choco- 
lous  and  Mullicles! 

At  the  sound  of  their  names  these  gentlemen  appeared.  Con- 
science and  prudence  alike  induced  me  to  push  Jack  Windsor  in 
front  of  me,  because  he  was  both  broad  and  thick. 


CIIAPTKII  XVI. 

NO  EXTRAS. 


BEING  older  now  by  several  years  than  when  I  had  expected  to 
be  cut  up  all  alive,  and  having  been  taught  by  Professor  Megalow 
that  science  is  not  of  necessity  cruel,  I  managed  to  sleep  pretty  \vt  11 
that  night,  and  resolved  to  be  brave  in  the  morning.  And  truly 
llu-re,  was  no  great  need  for  courage;  which  rather  disappointed  m  , 
ami  cast  a  slur  upon  my  value  as  a  boy  of  exceptional  interest. 


96  TOMMY  UPMORK 

Not  one  of  the  four  professors  took  the  trouble  to  look  twice  at  me ; 
each  had  his  whole  time  taken  up  in  fighting  for  his  own  tongue 
and  purse.  Their  payment  was  to  be  by  head  of  pupils — whether 
they  fitted  the  head  or  not — and,  being  four  in  number,  they  put 
universal  knowledge  into  four  departments,  each  with  a  bigger 
name  than  the  other.  And  all  our  chaps,  without  ever  having  heard 
what  the  meaning  of  these  big  names  was,  had  to  put  down  his  own 
(however  short  it  might  be)  under  sixteen  columns,  out  of  thirty- 
two,  headed  with  the  titles  of  the  mysterious  studies.  Each  of  the 
professors  was  to  take  eight  sciences  for  the  subjects  of  his  lectures, 
and,  most  unfairly,  we  were  not  allowed  to  know  the  human  names 
presiding  over  each  humanity.  Every  single  boy  of  us  wanted  to 
sign  to  be  under  Professor  Chocolous,  not  only  because  (as  a  general 
rule)  great  fun  can  be  had  with  a  German,  and  he  is  nearly  always 
easy-tempered,  familiar,  and  kind-hearted,  but  also  because  we  had 
heard  of  his  ambition  to  transmit  a  nascent  tail  to  his  descendants ; 
and  what  could  be  finer  than  to  help  in  its  establishment?  And 
next  to  him,  \ve  wanted  to  be  under  Mullicles,  although  about  him 
we  knew  very  little,  except  that  he  looked  vary  soft,  and  expected 
to  be  disintegrated,  without  notice,  into  his  component  particles. 
On  the  other  hand,  Brachipod  was  as  sharp  and  full  of  points  as  a 
cupping  instrument;  and  Jargoon  as  dry  and  creaky  with  long 
words  as  a  slow  steam-roller  pounding  granite. 

With  heavy  disma}7 1  sat  down  and  gazed  at  the  broad  sheet  laid 
before  me.  At  the  top  were  placed  alphabetically  the  names  of  the 
thirty-two  sciences  proposed;  names  which  must  have  been  anguish 
to  conceive,  agony  to  pronounce,  and  despair  to  remember.  Under 
each  name  was  a  column  for  the  hapless  victim  to  inscribe  his  own, 
and  at  the  bottom  a  merciful  notice — "No  pupil  need  enter  for 
more  than  sixteen  of  the  above  studies  during  the  present  term  • 
but  all  wrill  be  expected,  in  the  ensuing  term,  to  proceed  to  those 
which  they  now  preterm  it.  The  fee  for  each  course  of  lectures  is 
one  guinea,  payable  in  advance." 

Although  I  could  get  on  with  Homer  pretty  well,  and  had  read 
the  first  book  of  Herodotus,  and  one  of  "Porson's  Four,"  and  some 
Xcnophon,  it  took  me  a  long  time  to  make  out  the  name  of  any  one 
of  those  sciences.  I  turned  to  my  lexicon  and  sought  for  some, 
and  for  others  I  hunted  in  my  Latin  dictionary,  and  seemed  to  get 
near  some,  but  not  to  be  sure,  while  of  others  there  was  no  vestige. 
I  was  not  aware  yet  that  the  authors  of  these  words  are  as  rash  with 
the  classics  as  they  are  with  logic,  and  maltreat  the 'dead  languages 
as  freely  as  the  living. 

'Til  tell  you  what  I'll  do,"  Jack  Windsor  said;  "I'll  go  in  for 


TOMMY  UP  MORE.  97 

all  thirty-two,  and  let  father  stump  up,  if  he's  got  the  blunt  for  it. 
Hi  TO  goes  'John  Windsor,'  thirty — twice  over." 

What  a  flood  of  light  those  plain  words  shed  on  my  foggy  and 
thickly  fibred  brain,  unwitting  as  yet  of  the  Athenian  prototypes  of 
all  the  Pausophists,  pea  for  pea,  in  the  pods  of  Aristophanes!  The 
blunt  was  the  point  of  all  points  with  these  hungry  professors,  arid 
none  could  be  got  out  of  me.  And  yet  I  should  never  have  thought  of 
that  without  Jack's  plain  way  of  putting  it.  So  I  squared  my  elbow 
and  sprung  my  pen,  and  took  care  that  the  ink  in  it  was  not  too 
round,  and  I  said,  "Don't  jerk  my  elbow,  Jack;  it  is  no  time  for 
larks  of  any  sort."  And  then  I  wrote  in  a  fair  hand,  across  all 
thirty -two  columns,  these  simple  words:  "Father  don't  pay  for 
extras.  They  tried  it  on  before,  but  he  would  not  have  it.  Signed, 
Thomas  Upmore.  Witness,  John  Windsor." 

This  was  a  bold  stroke  of  mine;  and  it  succeeded,  as  a  bold  stroke 
often  does  when  it  has  the  force  of  truth  behind  it.  As  soon  as  all 
these  signatures  of  zealots  for  new  learning  (of  whom  a  great  many 
could  not  spell  their  own  names)  had  been  received  in  "  Council "  by 
our  new  principal  and  his  four  "highly  cultured  coadjutors"— oh 
Lord,  where  is  good  English  buried? — there  came  a  squeaky  call 
from  their  sacred  cell  (as  different  from  Old  Rum's  sonorous  "  Send 
him  hither  "  as  the  cry  of  a  mouse  behind  the  wainscot  is  from  the 
roar  of  a  lion),  and  the  boy  who  had  the  longest  ears  made  it  out  to 
be — "  The  presence  of  Thomas  Upmore  is  required." 

Now,  I  never  had  any  great  amount  of  pluck,  which  is  a  steadfast 
element;  while  all  my  elements  were  light  and  fleeting,  and  never 
would  stand  up  together  (as  in  a  fine  character  they  must  do)  with- 
out going  up  into  the  air  and  turning  round.  A  miserable  shiver 
went  through  my  heart  and  turned  my  bright  cheeks  to  a  sad  pale- 
blue—so  the  other  fellows  said;  though  it  recked  me  naught  what 
manner  of  boy  I  might  be  to  look  at. 

"  Tommy,  keep  your  pecker  up."  Jack  Windsor  hit  me  a  slap  on 
the  back  to  impress  this  counsel,  which  would  have  taken  all  my 
breath  away  if  it  had  not  been  gone  already.  "Think  of  3"our  clad 
and  all  the  money  he  is  making.  Stick  well  up  to  them,  that's  the 
only  ticket.  Make  them  all  shake  in  their  shoes,  dear  Tommy. 
They  will  send  for  me  next.  If  you  frighten  them  well,  you  will 
give  me  pluck  to  go  on  with  it." 

This  was  all  very  nice  from  his  own  point  of  view;  but  I  heartily 
wished  that  he  had  to  go  first,  to  show  me  the  right  way  of  doing  it. 
"Oh,  Jack,  you  are  so  brave,"  I  said;  "if  you  would  only  come 
me,  and  make  believe  you  had  been  sent  for  too,  I  should  take  it  so 
very  kind  of  you!" 

7 


$8  TOMMY  UP  MORE. 

"Don't  you  wish  you  may  catch  it?"  he  replied,  turning  round  to 
be  ready  for  the  path  of  retreat. 

"Well,  at  any  rate,  come  to  the  door,"  said  I;  "to  know  that  you 
are  there  will  be  better  than  nothing." 

"  Oh  bother,  don't  be  such  a  funk  !"  Jack  answered;  "why,  Tom- 
my, they  won't  eat  you."  And  he  took  good  care  that  they  should 
not  eat  him  by  bolting  as  fast  as  his  fat  legs  would  go. 

None  of  this  tended  to  relieve  my  mind,  but  I  tried  to  remember 
Achilles  and  Hector,  and  all  the  brave  men  I  had  been  reading  of; 
yet  in  spite  of  them  all  I  took  good  care,  so  far  as  trembling  hands 
allowed,  to  leave  the  door  behind  me  open.  It  was  now  in  my  pow- 
er, after  fifteen  years  of  growth,  to  go  at  such  a  pace  with  the  wind 
behind  me — and  any  wind  blowing  from  a  scientific  point  would 
surely  find  itself  behind  me — that,  if  I  could  only  get  one  yard's  start, 
all  the  science  yet  invented,  with  the  devil  at  the  tail  of  it,  might 
break  the  wind  without  coming  up  with  me.  Dat  vires  animus. 
The  whole  of  my  animus  was  up  and  eager.  I  thought  of  all  these 
wise  men  in  our  clot-pit,  and  out  of  despair  I  plucked  hope  and  de- 
fiance. 

The  longest  dining-table  in  our  hall,  wrhich  would  take  thirty  boys 
and  their  plates  on  each  side,  had  been  proved  to  be  not  half  long 
enough  for  the  length  of  the  papers  necessary  for  the  lantern-jaws 
of  science.  Accordingly  three  long  boards,  upon  which  Dr.  Rum- 
below's  Hermes  had  cleaned  our  knives,  had  been  brought  from  his 
out-house,  and  set  up  with  green  baize  over  them  to  carry  ink  and 
papers.  Our  new  master  sat  at  the  end  of  this  length,  with  a  brace 
of  professors  on  his  right  hand  and  his  left.  To  my  innermost  parts 
I  recalled  these  four,  and  was  amazed  to  find  that  they  knew  not 
me.  Principal  Crankhead  waved  his  hand  for  me  to  stand  silent  at 
the  bottom  of  the  table;  and  then  they  all  turned  round  and  stared 
at  me,  with  the  exception  of  Herr  Chocolous,  who  stood,  with  his 
chair  pushed  under  the  table,  to  assert  his  upright  principles.  And 
he  seemed  to  me  to  be  laboring  not  to  laugh. 

"The  name  of  this  pupil  appears  to  be  Thomas  Upmore,"  began 
Mr.  Crankhead,  "the  son  of  Bucephalus  Upmore,  a  gentleman  re- 
siding in  a  place  called  Maiden  Lane.  Instead  of  expressing  his 
preference  for  sixteen  of  the  subjects  proposed  for  his  study,  he  has 
stated  very  briefly  that  his  father  declines  to  pay  for  what  he  calls 
extras.  He  does  not  appear  to  have  realized  that  these  are  the  es- 
sential parts  of  all  true  education.  Boy,  what  do  you  come  here 
for?" 

"If  you  please,  sir,  to  be  taught,"  I  said,  with  a  courage  which 
surprised  me;  "to  learn  'whatever  is  necessary  for  a  liberal  cduca- 


TOMMY  UPMORE. 

tion,'  according  to  what  Dr.  Rumbelow  says  to  parents  and  guardi- 
ans in  this  paper."  I  pulled  an  old  circular  of  the  Fartheneion  from 
my  pocket  and  spread  it  on  the  table.  "But  father  gave  out  from 
the  first  that  he  never  would  pay  a  shilling  for  extras,  unless  they 
agreed  to  take  it  out  in  soap." 

"Take  out  science  in  soap,  indeed!"  muttered  Professor  Brachi- 
pod,  forgetting  how  much  he  had  done  in  that  way,  though  certainly 
without  intending  it. 

"Well,  Upmore,  tell  us,  if  you  can  remember,"  Principal  Crank- 
head  went  on,  without  deigning  to  notice  old  Rum's  prospectus, 
' '  what  are  the  extras,  as  you  call  them,  which  your  father  has  re- 
fused to  pay  for." 

"  Drilling  and  drawing  and  dancing,  sir,  and  washing  and  French, 
and  bacon  for  breakfast,  sixpence  a  time  for  the  delicate  boys;  and 
I  think  there  was  something  about  new-laid  eggs." 

"  Zero  is  no  sooch  ting ;  I  vill  not  allow  it  pass,"  broke  in  Profess- 
or Chocolous;  "vat  you  call  ze  new-laid  egg  have  no  right  to  be  so 
called,  because — " 

"  Because  it  is  generally  stale,  professor.  "Well,  Upmore,  we  seem 
to  have  ascertained  what  your  father  considered  objectionable ;  but 
none  of  them  belong  to  the  domain  of  science.  Your  mind  is  a  lit- 
tle confused,  perhaps,  as  is  only  natural  at  your  age  after  giving  so 
much  of  it  to  Greek  and  Latin.  Now,  take  a  fresh  paper,  and  put 
your  initials — we  shall  understand  them — in  the  sixteen  columns  of 
your  selection.  Sit  down,  my  lad;  we  shall  teach  you  something 
yet." 

Certainly  my  mind  was  now  confused  neither  by  Latin  nor  Greek, 
but  by  the  proximity  of  such  a  mass  of  learning  and  its  manner  of 
foreclosing  me.  With  a  fog  of  big  words  spreading  over  my  eyes, 
and  pouring  in  at  my  ears  as  I  tried  to  sound  them,  I  took  up  the 
pen  which  had  been  thrown  to  me;  then  I  put  it  in  my  mouth,  and 
said  to  myself,  "  It  can't  matter  much  what  I  sign;  I'll  go  in  for  the 
Invest  of  the  lot,  to  brag  of  them.  Father  likes  something  that  he 
can't  pronounce." 

There  was  no  word  of  less  than  five  syllables  there,  and  a  good 
many  of  them  went  up  to  eleven.  These  I  picked  out,  to  learn  first. 
with  my  thumb-nail,  after  counting  upon  all  ten  fingers;  and  then  I 
fell  back  on  the  decasyllabic  branches  of  wisdom  and  got  my  >i  I 
But  before  putting  anything  down  in  ink — which  my  father  would 
have  had  to  pay  for,  unless  he  went  down  to  the  County  Court — 1 
found  in  my  mouth  a  little  bit  of  the  stuff  (a  twisted,  brittle,  filing 
it  is)  which  may  be  the  nerve  of  the  quill  for  aught  I  know; 
mid  it  saved  me  most  happily  from  knowing  what  its  name  is: 


ioo  TOMMY  UPMORE: 

for  it  got  very  easily  into  my  throat  —  so  widely  was  that  poor 
throat  agape  at  the  prospect  of  all  those  tremendous  words— and  I 
put  the  feather  end  in  to  try  to  pull  it  out;  and  then  I  began  to  chew 
the  harl ;  and  who  ever  did  that  without  improving  what  he  was  go- 
ing to  write  at  first?  Those  gentlemen  still  were  as  eager  as  ever 
that  I  should  be  shut  up  and  done  with;  wThile  I  became  unable  to 
share  their  hurry,  and  desirous  to  see  the  case  clearly. 

"If  you  please,  sir,"  I  said,  from  the  bottom  of  the  table,  after 
getting  on  a  stool  to  be  heard  all  up  it,  "the  meaning  of  this  paper 
is  that  I  am  going  to  learn  all  this  for  nothing." 

Mr.  Crankhead  stared  at  the  men  of  science,  and  with  one  accord 
they  stared  at  him;  and  they  would  have  been  amused  at  my  mis- 
take if  it  had  not  been  too  serious. 

"  Upmore,  you  have  a  great  deal  yet  to  learn ;"  the  principal  spoke 
severely.  ' '  Do  you  imagine  that  Science  has  ever  imparted  her  bless- 
ings for  nothing?" 

"  I  am  sure  I  did  not  know,  sir,"  I  replied;  "  but  you  said  that  all 
these  were  essential  parts  of  true  education,  and  Old  Rum  says — Dr. 
Rumbelow,  I  mean — in  this  paper  that  all  those  are  included  in  the 
money  for  the  term. " 

"But  we  have  changed  all  that,  my  boy.  Our  ideas  of  what  edu- 
cation is  are  entirely  different  from  those  of  the  obsolete  system  un- 
der which  you  have  been  trained  hitherto." 

"Then,  if  you  please,  sir,  my  father  ought  to  have  had  a  new  pa- 
per sent  him  before  he  sent  me  back  to  school,  or  how  can  he  tell 
what  he  is  to  pay  ?  I  am  sure  that  he  won't  pay  a  farthing  more  than 
lie  had  to  pay  last  quarter." 

"Thomas  Upmore,  you  may  go, "the  new  principal  said,  quite 
loftily,  after  whispering  and  receiving  whispers;  "you  need  not  re- 
turn to  the  school-room  at  all,  or  to  any  part  of  these  premises,  ex- 
cept where  your  clothes  and  books  are.  You  are  too  benighted  and 
contumacious  to  deserve  any  higher  education  such  as  you  expect  to 
get  for  nothing.  Branker,  see  that  this  boy  does  not  communicate 
with  the  other  boys.  Pack  all  his  things  up  and  put  him  in  a 
cab." 

Thus  was  I  discharged,  very  rudely  as  I  thought,  from  the  poor 
old  Partheneion,  now  entitled  the  Epistemonicon;  and  I  could  not 
help  crying  at  the  manner  of  it,  because  people  would  say  that  I  had 
been  expelled. 

But  Branker,  the  new  man-of -all -work,  who  seemed  to  care  little 
about  his  place,  at  the  sight  of  a  shilling  in  my  hand  allowed  me  to 
have  a  word  or  two  in  the  passage  with  Jack  Windsor. 

"Jack,  they  have  given  me  the  sack,"  I  said,  "because  I  wouldn't 


TOMMY  UPMORE.  101 

put  my  name  down  for  father  to  pay  sixteen  guineas  extra.  If  I 
had,  I  should  have  been  whacked  at  both  ends  for  certain.  He 
would  have  whacked  me  for  doing  it,  and  they  would  have  whacked 
me  worse  for  not  getting  the  tin.  You  have  put  down  your  dad 
for  thirty-two  guineas.  Mind  that,  and  I  wish  you  luck  of  it." 

"Stop  the  cab,  Tommy;  stop  the  cab!"  cried  Jack.  "I'll  come 
away  with  you  in  five  minutes.  I  must  go  in  and  tell  them  I  did 
it  for  a  lark.  Why,  I  should  get  double  the  hiding  that  you  would. 
My  governor  has  got  such  a  host  of  kids. " 

1  ran  to  fetch  Grip  that  he  might  run  behind,  and  I  waited  in  the 
cab  for  about  two  minutes,  and  then  out  rushed  Jack,  without  any 
hat  on,  and  jumped  in,  and  banged  up  the  glass,  and  shouted,  "  Jar- 
vey,  off  for  Maiden  Lane,  as  hard  as  you  can  go!"  Then  we  got 
out  of  sight  in  the  back  of  the  cab,  and  laughed  through  the  tears  on 
our  cheeks  at  going  home. 

So  it  came  to  pass  that  the  boiling  interest  was  not  represented 
any  longer  in  those  halls  of  science.  When  my  father  heard  what 
I  had  done,  he  shook  my  hand  very  heartily,  and  said  that  he  never 
could  have  thought  I  had  so  much  pluck;  and  he  would  not  mind 
paying  half  again  as  much,  but  honestly  and  on  the  square,  you 
know,  for  my  education  to  go  on  all  right;  and  he  would  send  them 
his  bills,  just  to  let  them  see  what  a  sight  of  money  their  establish- 
ment had  lost. 

"And  what  language,  I  should  like  to  know,  was  all  that  science 
to  be  put  in?  Elamites',  Parthiaus',  Medes',  at  least" — he  said,  as  he 
looked  at  the  paper  of  the  fees— "to  be  any  good  value  for  sixteen 
guineas." 

"No,  father,"  I  answered;  " it  was  all  to  be  told  us  in  English,  ev- 
ery word  of  it;  only  very  big  words,  of  course— such  words  as  you 
couldn't  make  head  or  tail  of." 

' '  None  the  more  honest  for  that, "  said  father.  '  •  Why,  they  make 
them  out  of  their  own  heads!  I  could  do  that  if  I  chose  to  try. 
Greek  and  Latin  is  what  I  pay  for;  and  this  new  lot  don't  know 
nauirht  of  it.  If  it  wasn't  for  my  knowledge  of  the  law,  I'd  have 
a  defamation  action  against  them  for  sending  my  only  son  home  in 
a  cab  like  this,  and  not  have  the  manners  to  pay  the  fare!  They 
have  done  the  same  thing  to  Jack  Windsor,  you  say.  Every  mouth 
in  the  Lane  will  be  full  of  it  to-morrow.  If  John  Windsor  would 
go  snacks,  I  should  feel  half  inclined  to  consider  about  consulting  a 
solicitor.  And  I  believe  it  would  pa)';  I  do  believe  it  would.  lam 
a  public  man  now,  and  under  government  I  act;  and  such  a  man 
should  not  have  his  son  kicked  out  by  a  bunch  of  those  dirty  pro- 
fessors." 


102  TOMMY  UPMORE. 

"  Bubbly,  don't  open  old  wounds,"  advised  mother;  "  our  Tommy 
is  come  home,  and  I  am  deeply  thankful  for  it.  How  could  they 
help  getting  rid  of  him  when  they  never  could  have  taught  him  half 
he  knows?  They  knew  that  he  had  served  his  time  with  their  mas- 
ter, the  great  Professor  Megalow;  and  how  could  they  open  their 
mouths  before  him?  And  how  could  they  hold  up  their  heads  be- 
fore Tommy  when  they  thought  of  the  pit  he  led  them  into?" 

"  Aha,  I  see  ;  that's  it,"  cried  father.  "  Well,  I  mustn't  be  angry 
with  them,  after  all.  One  good  turn  deserves  another.  And  talking 
of  that,  we  shall  have  no  pits  left  if  what  I  was  told  to-day  is  true. 
The  vestry  are  going  to  send  a  man  and  two  boys  all  up  through 
.our  valley  in  the  course  of  next  month,  with  sticks  and  a  line  to 
take  measurements  and  all  the  rest  of  it  for  this  drainage  scheme. 
Well,  it  won't  hurt  us ;  but  I  doubt  very  greatly  whether  the  smell 
they  are  sure  to  make  will  be  wholesome  for  my  workmen.  I  must 
try  to  leave  more  of  my  stuff  about,  to  keep  the  air  fresh  and  the 
bad  smells  away.  Sophy,  I  must  be  off;  you  might  give  me  a  nip 
of  Hollands  before  I  light  my  pipe.  And  while  I  am  at  work  you 
and  Tommy  can  put  your  heads  together  concerning  the  next  thing 
to  be  done  with  a  young  scamp  who  has  been  expelled  from  school." 


CHAPTER  XVII. 

SELF-DEFENCE. 

IT  appeared  to  me  now  that  my  education  might  fairly  be  intrusted 
to  myself,  at  least  until  after  Christmas-time  ;  but  whether  it  was 
that  my  dear  parents  were  eager  to  push  me  on  with  learning,  or 
else  that  they  had  enjoyed  enough  of  my  company  for  the  present, 
the  issue  was  settled  against  me,  and  without  another  week  of  holi- 
days. Jack  Windsor  was  in  the  same  box  with  me ;  and  his  mother 
and  mine  laid  their  heads  together,  and  came  to  the  conclusion  that 
Dr.  Kumbelow  had  acted  very  badly.  With  the  aid  of  a  noble 
"  Manual  of  Epistolary  Correspondence,"  they  indited  a  joint  letter 
to  the  new  bishop,  which  must  have  grieved  his  upright  soul.  He 
answered  right  humbly,  and  in  few  words,  that  he  grieved  as  deeply 
as  they  could  do  at  the  utter  subversion  of  a  wholesome  school, 
which  would  not  have  happened  if  he  could  have  helped  it.  But 
he  had  never  been  the  owner,  and  only  acted  under  the  will  of  trus- 
tees who  had  not  consulted  him  when  he  left.  Feeling  the  deepest 
interest  in  his  beloved  pupils  of  many  happy  years,  he  watched  the 
result  with  sad  apprehension,  but  could  not  interfere  with  it.  But 


TOMMY  I'TMORE.  10;J 

for  any  whose  parents  desired  their  removal  from  the  influence  of 
wild  doctrines,  he  could  with  high  confidence  recommend  an  ortho- 
dox and  most  efficient  teacher,  an  old  pupil  of  his  own  at  Oxford, 
an  accurate  scholar  and  most  active  man,  now  doing  excellent  work 
in  the  Church.  This  was  the  Reverend  St.  Simon  Cope,  curate  of 
St.  Athaiiasius,  a  district  church  in  Kentish  Town. 

Armed  with  this  letter,  the  two  ladies  went  to  see  Mr.  Cope,  and 
came  back  in  high  feather,  perfectly  full  of  him  and  of  new  ideas. 
1  could  not  understand  their  talk  at  all,  and  perhaps  that  was  more 
than  they  did  themselves.  However,  I  made  out  that  I  was  to  get 
up  at  half-past  live  next  Monday,  put  a  strap-load  of  Greek  on  my 
back,  and  knock  at  half-past  six  exactly  at  the  corner  house  in  For- 
riano  Square. 

All  this  I  accomplished,  not  without  some  groans,  and  was  met  at 
the  door  by  Mr.  Cope  himself.  I  wanted  to  have  a  good  look  at 
him,  but  entirely  failed  to  manage  it;  so  wholly  did  my  nature  fall 
under  the  influence  of  his  that  when  I  went  home  at  night,  and 
father  said, 

"Well,  Tommy,  what  is  the  new  chap  like?" 

I  could  only  answer,  "I  don't  know.  He  is  not  like  any  man  I 
ever  saw  before." 

"Did  he  whack  you,  Tommy?"  went  on  my  father.  "  You  must 
want  it  after  all  this  time." 

"He!"  I  exclaimed,  with  a  lofty  air;  "he  need  never  whack  any 
fellow.  I  can  tell  that." 

Of  this  wonderful  man  it  might  truly  be  said  that  he  was  wholly 
free  from  selfishness.  Can  anything  half  so  strange  as  that  be  de- 
clared of  any  other  human  being?  My  own  little  gift  of  going  up 
into  the  air  is  exceptional,  though  not  unparalleled;  but  for  the 
human  mind  to  leave  the  ground  is  an  outrage  on  the  laws  of  grav- 
itation ten  thousand-fold  as  rare  as  any  I  have  yet  accomplished. 
And  now  thnt  I  have  time  to  consider  it  calmly,  this  must  have  IM-.-M 
the  reason  why  I  could  not  make  him  out,  even  with  my  outward 
eyes.  And  probably  this  was  the  reason  why  we  all  admired, 
obeyed  in  an  instant,  and  thoroughly  revered  him  ;  and  yet  we 
found  our  spirits  rise  when  we  got  away  to  people  more  of  our  own 

OMt 

This  gentleman  never  was  in  a  hurry,  but  always  calm  and  gentle, 
and  quite  ready  to  be  interrupted  ;  yet  the  quantity  of  work  he  got 
through  in  a  day  was  enough  for  ten  men  of  his  strength.  Twiee 
every  day  he  had  service  in  his  church,  without  even  a  clerk  to  help 
him,  and  four  hours  every  day  he  spent  in  visiting  poor  people. 
Moreover,  he  always  had  in  hand  some  article  for  the  ^reat  reviews, 


104  TOMMY  UP  MORE. 

and  a  heap  of  careful  other  work,  and  besides  all  this  (and  I  dare 
say  the  hardest  of  the  lot  to  deal  with)  a  score  of  us  day-pupils  to 
be  taught  and  fed  and  tended.  Yet  never  was  one  of  us  ready  with 
a  lesson  without  the  master  being  there  to  hear  him.  And  he  more 
than  heard  us;  he  poured  his  own  mind,  with  all  its  clear  and  vivid 
power,  as  far  into  our  thick  brains  as  ever  it  would  go,  so  that  even 
Jack  Windsor  (who  had  no  more  taste  in  his  head  than  a  lignified 
turnip)  told  me,  going  home  one  night,  that  Horace  was  a  fine  chap 
after  all,  when  you  came  to  know  what  he  was  driving  at.  No  other 
man  in  the  world  could  have  brought  our  Jack  to  that  conclusion. 

Now,  in  spite  of  all  this,  and  the  spending  of  every  penny  that  he 
earned  among  the  poor,  the  Reverend  St,  Simon  Cope  was  not  loved 
at  all  in  Kentish  Town,  except  by  a  few  half -starving  outcasts  and 
a  good  many  ladies  with  nothing  to  do.  And  the  reason  of  this  was 
as  plain  as  a  pole — he  was  one  of  the  "High-church  parsons,"  whom 
the  free-will  of  the  Briton  will  never  accept. 

Under  the  care  of  this  excellent  man  I  got  on  very  fast  in  "Nes- 
cience, "as  the  Epistcmonicon  gentlemen  called  the  classics  and  his- 
tory and  theology  —  and  everything  else  except  their  own  fads. 
From  my  very  sad  deficiency  in  weight,  I  never  was  a  fighter, 
though  often  tempted  grievously ;  but  Jack  Windsor  was  happily 
enabled  to  prove  that  which  has  been  proved  perpetually  in  Town 
and  Gown  disputations,  to  wit,  the  clear  superiority  in  conflict  of 
the  true  Academic  element.  For  as  we  came  home  about  noon  of  a 
Saturday,  with  five  days  and  a  half  of  Greek  inside  us,  in  a  place 
where  a  bridge  was  we  were  met,  only  Jack  Windsor  and  myself, 
by  a  maniple — if  they  deserve  the  term — from  the  now  adulterous 
Partheneion.  These  were  fellows  of  the  lewder  sort,  who  had 
taken  up  gladly  with  all  the  new  stuff,  and  were  rank  with  all 
chemical  mixtures.  Without  looking  twice  at  them,  we  could  see 
they  desired  to  give  us  a  hiding,  and  they  began  the  base,  unequal 
conflict  by  casting  very  hard  stones  at  us.  With  pleasure,  and 
without  disgrace  (considering  the  force  of  numbers  against  us),  we 
would  have  fled  by  the  road  that  had  brpught  us;  but  they  had 
provided  against  this  measure  by  posting  large  boys  behind  us. 
There  was  nothing  around  us  but  a  world  of  thumps,  and  the  air 
was  darkened  with  impending  fists. 

"Stop  a  bit;  hold  hard!"  cried  Jack  Windsor,  with  his  back 
against  the  coping  of  the  bridge ;  ' '  give  us  fair  -  play,  you  lot  of 
sneaking  cowards.  I  see  a  chap  who  has  been  at  our  house,  and 
squibbcd  a  wasp's  nest  with  me.  Let  me  speak  a  moment  to  Bob 
Stubbs.  Now,  Bob,  I  know  you  were  an  honorable  chap  till  you 
got  among  dirty  foreigners.  I  don't  want  to  fight  }rou,  'cos  we 


TOMMY  UP  MO  RE.  105 

always  were  good  friends;  but  pick  out  the  biggest  of  your  scien- 
tific lot  and  let  me  have  a  fair  turn  with  him,  while  Tommy  here 
tackles  some  fellow  of  his  size.  You  must  all  be  going  to  the  had 
up  there  if  you  bring  a  score  of  fellows  to  pitch  into  two.  In  the 
old  days  we  always  allowed  fair-play." 

iJrinir  Knirlish  boys  they  were  moved  by  this,  and  after  some  lit- 
tle talk  two  rings  were  formed:  one  for  Jack  and  his  antagonist,  and 
the  other,  alas!  for  me  and  mine.  Loath  as  I  was  to  fight,  it  seemed 
better  than  to  be  pounded  passively,  and  so  I  pulled  off  my  coat, 
and  squared  up,  as  my  father  had  shown  me  he  used  to  do.  And 
whether  by  reason  of  his  ancient  system  being  more  practical  than 
the  new  lights,  or  whether  in  virtue  of  my  own  quickness  in  hop- 
ping away  when  knocked  at,  I  may  say  without  any  exaggeration 
that  I  hit  the  other  fellow  more  than  he  hit  me,  until  I  was  grieved 
to  see  him  bleed,  and  then  I  put  down  my  fists  and  shook  hands 
with  him. 

But  my  own  little  combat  was  no  more  in  comparison  with  Jack 
"Windsor's  than  the  skirmish  between  two  charioteers  of  the  "Iliad " 
while  their  heroes  fight.  Jack  was  in  earnest,  and  knew  no  re- 
morse. He  had  been  hit  on  the  forehead  by  a  stone,  and  could 
swear  that  the  fellow  before  him  was  the  one  who  threw  it.  More- 
over, this  boy  had  shouted,  "Come  on,  Suds!"  with  a  most  con- 
temptuous toss  of  his  head,  being  bigger  than  Jack,  though  not  so 
strong,  for  our  Jack  was  built  up  like  a  mile-stone. 

"  Come  on,  Suds!"  he  shouted;  "  come  on,  my  lad  of  lather!" 

"  I'll  lather  you  if  I  can,"  said  Jack. 

The  battle  was  long  and  quick,  with  a  spirit  of  trenchant  valor 
on  either  side.  I  did  not  see  the  beginning,  because  I  was  strenu- 
ously occupied  with  my  own  engagement;  but  that  being  brought 
to  a  happy  conclusion,  the  boy  I  had  conquered  joined  me,  with 
much  good -will,  in  observing  the  other  fight.  And  here  let  me 
mention  that  his  name  was  Bellows — Jeremiah  Bellows,  of  Black- 
pool— a  prominent  orator  of  the  Liberal  party,  as  we  shall  see  by- 
and-by.  When  Bellows  and  I  came  up  to  look  there  was  no  mis- 
taking  the  nature  of  the  fray.  Very  little  time  had  been  lost  in  re- 
pose between  the  rounds,  and  the  action  had  been  so  vigorous  and 
so  well  sustained  that  on  either  side  now  it  was  a  harder  job  to 
fetch  the  breath  than  to  give  the  blow.  Whichever  might  con- 
quer, there  could  be  no  doubt  that  the  fight  was  a  credit  to  his 
school. 

Happily  for  us.  the  "noble  science  of  self-defence"  was  no; 
one  of  the  thirty-two  taught  by  the  four  professors.     Otherwise 
Jack  would  have  long  been  vanquished,  for  he  had  not  much  of 


100  TOMMY   UPMORE. 

polemical  skill,  and  I  was  astonished  at  his  endurance,  having  al- 
ways found  him  peaceful.  But  I  knew  by  the  way  his  lips  were 
set,  and  his  square  style  of  going  forward,  that  his  mind  was  made 
up  to  be  knocked  to  pieces  sooner  than  knock  under. 

This  was  a  lesson  to  me,  than  which  I  have  never  had  a  better 
one  in  all  my  life.  There  was  scarcely  a  pin  to  choose  between  those 
two  in  the  matter  of  affliction.  Jack  had  got  one  eye  quite  bunged 
up,  and  his  enemy  had  both  eyes  half-way  closed;  the  nose  of  our 
Jack  was  gone  in  at  the  middle,  and  that  of  his  adversary  at  the 
end  ;  and  their  other  contusions  might  pretty  nearly  match.  Yet 
Jack  won,  all  of  a  heap — and  why?  Because  he  would  rather  be 
killed  than  yield.  The  other  fellow  would  rather  yield  than  stand 
the  very  smallest  chance  of  being  killed. 

So,  when  Jack  came  up  for  another  good  round,  his  enemy  sat 
and  looked  at  him,  and  thought  it  would  be  wiser  to  negotiate.  He 
was  not  by  any  means  whacked,  he  declared,  and  he  went  on  to 
prove  it,  though  still  sitting  down— as  Britannia  never  lets  her  tail 
drop  now  without  elevating  her  tongue  to  stand  for  it — but  his  mind 
was  made  up  not  to  incur  further  danger  of  blood-guiltiness. 

After  all  the  insults  put  upon  him,  Jack  would  not  let  him  off 
without  a  clearer  understanding. 

"Either  you  are  whacked  or  not,"  said  he;  "if  you  are  whacked, 
say  so  straightf  orrard,  and  I  will  shake  hands  with  you.  If  you  are 
not,  stand  up  again." 

This  was  plain  English,  the  only  sensible  thing  in  a  case  of  that 
kind.  The  other  boy  looked  about,  but  saw  no  way  to  shuffle  out 
of  it,  having  not  yet  been  Prime-minister. 

"I  don't  mean  to  fight  any  more,"  he  said,  "until  I  perceive  the 
necessity  of  it.  At  the  same  time,  you  can  see  yourself  that  I  am 
not  a  bit  afraid  of  you.  Every  one  who  knows  me  will  bear  me  out 
in  that.  I  could  prove  it  if  I  had  time,  but  there  goes  the  dinner- 
bell,  and  we  all  must  run— not  from  you,  mind — not  from  you ;  only 
because  we  are  obliged  to  bolt. " 

Likely  enough  there  are  people  who  would  be  glad  to  make  light 
of  this  victory,  as  they  do  with  all  those  we  always  lose,  while  blow- 
ing up  the  trumpet  in  the  very  new  moon,  if  ever  we  cannot  help 
winning  one.  But  Jack  and  I  took  a  natural  view  of  the  facts  we 
ourselves  had  created.  Science  had  bitten  the  dust  before  the  pow- 
ers of  ancient  literature,  though  the  latter  had  struggled  at  fearful 
odds ;  and  seven  of  the  boys  who  had  seen  it  persuaded  their  parents 
to  take  them  from  the  Gorgon,  and  apprentice  them  again  to  the 
gentle  Muse  who  only  strikes  in  self-defence.  And  as  soon  as  my 
father  and  mother  heard — by  reason  of  my  bruises,  one  of  which 


TOMMY   I'l'MoHK.  107 

required  raw  beefsteak— they  were  forever  confirmed  in  tlidr  p<  r- 
ception  of  their  own  wisdom. 

But,  alas!  I  scarcely  know  how  to  tell  the  next  event  in  my  sad 
career.  Gladly  would  I  leave  it  all  untold,  save  by  mine  enemies, 
if  the  latter  would  only  tell  it  truly,  or  leave  it  untold  falsely.  But 
this  it  is  hopeless  to  expect.  There  is  a  certain  rancor  in  all  per- 
sons of  loose  politics,  wherewith — to  put  it  liberally — nature,  abhor- 
ring a  vacuum,  has  stopped  the  vast  gap  of  their  principles.  And 
this  pervasive  bitterness,  when  not  obtaining  vent  enough,  as  it  fair- 
ly might  do,  upon  one  another,  sometimes  sets  them  raking  up  the 
private  life  and  domestic  history  of  those  who  are  not  like  them- 
selves. 

It  has  been  related  some  way  back  that  the  great  authorities  of 
our  parish,  having  been  urged  by  fussy  people — most  of  whom  paid 
no  rates  at  all — to  abate  what  they  were  pleased  to  call  the  nuisance 
of  our  wholesome  smell,  had  arrived  at  last  at  a  resolution  to  cure 
the  air  of  our  chimney-tops  by  carrying  a  big  culvert  through  the 
valley,  a  hundred  yards  below.  How  this  was  to  effect  that  pur- 
pose none  of  us  clearly  understood ;  but  as  it  would  not  come  near 
our  works,  yet  saved  them  from  being  grumbled  at,  we  accepted 
the  conviction  of  the  public  that  it  must  prove  a  perfect  cure. 
And,  reasoning  by  analogy,  we  expected  no  stroke  to  be  struck  for 
a  score  of  happy  years  yet  to  come. 

But  Joe  Cowl,  that  same  chimney-sweep  who  had  tried  to  sum- 
mon father,  told  all  his  friends,  till  he  quite  believed  that  he  never 
had  been  the  same  man  since  the  time  my  father  syringed  him.  If 
this  had  been  true,  how  much  it  would  have  been  to  his  benefit,  and 
his  neighbors'!  But  being  scant  of  introspection,  he  positively 
made  a  grievance  of  it!  He  contrived  to  push  himself  on  the  com- 
mittee appointed  by  the  vestry  for  the  drainage  of  Maiden  valley, 
for  no  other  reason  in  the  world  than  that  he  hoped  to  pester  us  by 
'•aiTving  out  that  noisome  scheme.  As  everybody  said,  there  was  no 
n  for  such  hurry;  the  valley  had  been  a  valley  for  more  thou- 
sands of  years  than  we  could  count  without  wanting  a  bodkin  put 
along  it.  In  wet  weather  it  drained  itself,  and  in  dry  weather  what 
was  there  to  drain?  The  Lord  had  made  it  as  seemed  Him  best, 
and  could  any  rate  payer  improve  His  works? 

Nevertheless,  by  stirring  up,  and  rushing  about  with  his  best 
clothes  on,  and  grouting  (like  a  pig  with  his  ring  come  out),  and 
writing  every  other  day  to  every  paper  that  would  print  his  stuff, 
chimney-sweep  Cowl  robbed  all  the  parish  of  the  pleasure  of  con- 
sidering the  next  thing  to  be  done.  For  he  made  them  actually  be- 
gin this  job  at  very  little  more  than  three  years  from  the  time  of 


108  TOMMY  UPMORK 

their  voting  it  urgent,  and  not  very  much  over  two  years  from  the 
time  they  raised  the  cash  for  it.  But  we  let  him  see,  when  it  was 
begun,  that  we  were  rather  pleased  than  otherwise ;  and  father  went 
down  and  told  Cowl  himself,  with  as  pleasant  a  smile  as  need  be 
seen,  that  he  would  lend  them  a  spare  wheelbarrow  if  they  would 
put  new  gudgeons  in,  and  as  a  large  rate-payer  of  St.  Pancras,  he 
would  try  to  keep  them  to  their  work.  And  it  is  a  sad  thing  now 
to  think  of,  that  if  he  had  been  a  bad-tempered  man  and  shunned 
them  altogether,  he  might  have  been  alive  while  I  write  this. 

Perhaps  no  man  in  London,  except  the  Reverend  St.  Simon  Cope, 
worked  harder  now  than  my  father  did.  Not  from  any  narrow- 
minded  hankering  after  bullion,  nor  the  common  doom  of  our 
species  to  find  its  fimd  cause,  as  well  as  case,  in  specie;  but  from 
the  stern  resolution  of  a  man  to  turn  out  a  good  article  at  a  good 
figure,  and  to  keep  his  own  fingers,  and  no  others,  in  his  pie.  Mr. 
John  Windsor  had  been  trying  very  hard  to  dip  his  own  ladle  into 
our  w^arm  vats;  but  while  father  valued  him  most  highly  as  a 
friend,  and  would  eagerly  have  done  anything  whatever  that  lay  in 
his  power  to  help  him,  he  found  it  lie  more  and  more  beyond  his 
power  to  let  him  come  into  his  yard  just  now.  Plump  and  portly 
as  Mr.  Windsor  was,  and  equally  blunt  at  either  end,  my  father  kept 
calling  him — as  soon  as  he  was  gone — the  thin  end  of  the  wedge, 
and  telling  dear  mother  to  be  very  careful  not  to  say  a  word  to  let 
him  in.  This  was  exactly  in  accordance  with  my  mother's  own 
view  of  the  case ;  and  she  said  that  she  first  had  insisted  upon  it,  and 
that  if  Mrs.  Windsor  came  sounding  her  forever — as  she  did,  even 
on  a  Sunday — it  would  take  her  a  long  time  to  discover  any  hollow 
place  in  her  presence  of  mind.  For  she  always  answered, 

"Oh,  my  dear,  what  do  I  care  for  odious  business?  You  know 
how  much  sooner  you  would  hear  me  talk  about  delightful  Happy- 
stowe,  and  the  sun  coming  over  the  sea,  and  the  shrimps,  and  the 
shameful  proceedings  of  the  bathing  females— for  I  never  can  call 
them  ladies  —  and  that  dear  good  Lady  Towers  -  Twentifold,  who 
longed  so  extremely  to  make  my  acquaintance,  and  has  written  once 
more  for  my  Tommy  to  go  down  and  spend  the  holidays  with  his 
old  friend,  Sir  Roland,  at  Twentifold  Towers.  What  a  pity  it  is 
that  we  live  so  far  asunder!" 

"But  don't  you  think,  dear,"  Mrs.  Windsor  asked,  demurely, 
"that  when  the  wind  was  blowing  towards  the  windows  of  the 
Tower,  her  ladyship  might  object  a  little  to  the — the  flavor  of  Mr. 
Upmore's  operations?" 


TOMMY  UP  MO  RE.  109 


CHAPTER  XVIII. 
AH  ME! 

WHILE  a  fact  is  under  fifty  years  of  age,  surely  it  is  early  days  to 
despise  it  as  if  in  the  dotage,  and  to  traduce  it  as  a  mere  tradition. 
Yet  this  was  already,  at  the  time  I  speak  of,  done  by  the  wiseacres 
of  Maiden  Lane  to  the  great  and  well-established  fact  that  the  chol- 
era, when  it  first  appeared  in  the  year  1832,  had  avoided— as  if  it 
ran  away  from  the  feeding  smells  and  pursued  the  opposite — every 
house  where  a  man  could  say  that  he  ever  tasted  our  chimney-stack. 
On  the  other  hand,  it  had  followed  strictly,  as  on  any  good  map  can 
be  shown,  the  main  lines  of  the  sewage  system,  so  fur  as  these  could 
yet  be  traced.  For  as  yet  they  were  very  bold  in  places,  and  then 
vanished  without  a  mouth. 

Now,  if  there  had  been  any  medical  man  with  power  to  think  for 
himself — as  certainly  some  do  in  every  century — he  might  have 
chanced  to  put  these  two  facts  together  and  breed  a  conclusion. 
And  the  conclusion  must  have  been — increase  your  chimneys  issu- 
ing a  fine  detergent  smell,  and  abolish  all  drains  that  bottle  up  and 
condense  destructive  odors,  sending  them  out  with  a  fizz  at  the  traps 
to  rush  into  first-floor  windows.  But,  alas!  there  was  no  such  man 
just  then,  and  I  fear  that  even  now  he  is  hard  to  find.  "Drain, 
drain,  drain,"  was  the  cry  of  the  period,  "and  ventilate  all  your 
drains,  that  every  one  may  smell  them  and  inhale  a  rich  interest  for 
his  sewage-rate." 

My  father  had  never  been  blessed  with  any  scientific  education. 
He  had  thriven  most  stoutly,  as  his  years  increased,  by  dwelling  in 
a  feeding  atmosphere.  In  an  unwise  moment  he  convinced  himself 
that  a  rhanire  of  inhalation  would  improve  his  lungs,  which  were  as 
sound  as  a  bell  used  to  be  in  the  days  when  people  knew  how  to 
cast  them.  The  only  fault  anywhere  near  them  was  that  from  the 
increase  of  "adipose  deposit"  they  had  not  the  room  to  swing  that 
in  thin  in1  r  years  they  had.  But  he  said  to  himself,  and  to  my  moth- 
er too — though  she  had  the  sense  to  say  "nonsense" — that  a  daily 
influx  of  entirely  fresh  odors  would  enable  him  to  halloo  as  he 
to  do. 

"Did  you  ever  see  Tommy  look  so  well,"  he  asked,  "  as  when  he 
came  back  from  the  inside  of  the  whale?  I  require  something  of 


110  TOMMY  UPMORE. 

that  sort,  and  I  shall  go  and  smoke  my  pipe  every  evening  after  tea 
in  the  bracing  air  of  Joe  Cowl's  drain." 

"  That  sounds  very  well,"  dear  mother  answered,  "  but  I  do  think, 
Bubbly,  that  you  ought  to  ask  Dr.  Flebotham  first  what  he  thinks 
about  it." 

To  me  it  seems  a  sufficient  proof  how  grand  my  dear  father's  con- 
stitution was  that  for  more  than  two  months  he  pursued  this  medi- 
cal course,  as  he  loftily  termed  it,  without  any  visible  harm  to  him- 
self. And  to  the  last  moment  of  his  life — so  stout  and  solid  was  his 
faith  in  his  own  mind— he  declared  that  his  illness  had  nothing 
whatever  to  do  with  the  cause  we  assigned  for  it.  But  after  look- 
ing blue  in  the  face  one  Sunday,  and  suffering  from  cold  hands  and 
feet,  he  came  home  at  night  with  a  desperate  headache,  such  as  he 
had  never  felt  before.  My  mother,  in  alarm,  gave  him  brandy  and 
salt,  but  he  took  the  brandy,  and  left  out  the  salt.  On  the  follow- 
ing day  he  was  terribly  sick,  and  as  blue  as  the  men  at  the  indigo 
works,  and  Dr.  Flebotham  pronounced  it  a  case  of  aggravated  Eng- 
lish cholera.  He  ordered  strong  measures  to  be  taking  at  once,  hot 
applications,  and  a  bottleful  of  chalk,  with  opium  in  large  quanti- 
ties. 

"We  must  not  be  nervous,  my  dear  madam,"  he  said  to  my  moth- 
er, who  was  crying  sadly;  "our  dear  patient  has  an  iron  constitu- 
tion, and  great  strength  of  will,  and  a  rare  fund  of  courage.  Why, 
he  won't  admit  even  now  that  there  is  much  amiss  with  him,  and 
nothing  will  make  him  stay  in  bed.  The  recumbent  position  is  the 
one  he  should  preserve,  to  give  our  therapeutic  course  fair-play,  yet 
he  keeps  on  calling  for  his  boots,  and  would  go  to  his  work  without 
them  if  you  left  the  door  unlocked.  We  must  humor  him,  my  dear 
madam;  we  must  tell  him  that  he  shall  go  to-morrow  to  his  most 
useful,  and  in  many  ways,  I  am  sure,  delightful  occupation;  with- 
out which  this  neighborhood  would  lose  one  of  its  most — most  pun- 
gent associations.  Though  Mr.  Windsor  certainly  does,  in  his  smaller 
way,  make  a  much  stronger  st — stimulate  our  olfactory  powers  to 
even  higher  action  is  wrhat  I  mean.  And  it  seems  to  be  now  very 
generally  admitted,  apart  from  all  incontrovertible  statistics,  I  may, 
indeed,  say  that  it  has  been  proved,  a  priori,  by  our  new  lights  that 
the  chemical  constituents  which  you  liberate  by  rapid  evaporation 
are,  for  hygienic  purposes,  the  very  ones  which  nature  has  omitted 
to  supply.  But,  bless  me,  I  have  a  lady  doing  well  with  twins  ! 
You  will  remember  all  my  directions.  I  shall  have  no  time  to  dine 
to-day.  I  hope  to  look  in  again  at  six  o'clock." 

He  lifted  his  hat,  and  had  scarcely  time  for  me  to  run  after  him 
and  say,  "If  you  please,  sir,  mother  does  so  hope  that  you  will  not 


TOMMY  UP  MORE.  HI 

be  offended  if  we  have  a  roast  fowl  on  the  table  hot  when  you  come 
from  the  poor  lady  with  the  two  babies." 

"Tommy,"  replied  Dr.  Flebotham,  "that  is  the  very  first  nour- 
ishment your  dear  father  should  take  in  a  solid  fonn.  He  must  not 
touch  it  to-day,  of  course — but  a  very  small  slice  quite  cold  to-mor- 
row. It  should  be  roasted  this  afternoon,  and  it  must  be  excessively 
tender.  It  might  be  as  well  for  me  to  judge  of  that  myself.  It 
should  be  a  large  one,  aod  yet  very  young — such  as  they  call  capons. 
Tell  your  dear  mother  that  I  will  try  it  for  him." 

"  Ohu|hank  you,  sir,  thank  you!  How  very  kind  you  are!"  I  ex- 
claimed, with  the  tears  coming  into  my  eyes.  "Only  please  to  be 
punctual  at  six  o'clock." 

He  made  this  promise,  and  performed  it. 

"Unless  the  case  becomes  complicated,"  said  the  doctor,  three 
days  afterwards,  "with  cardiac  symptoms,  or  pulmonary,  or  possi- 
bly renal  derangement,  or  any  other  resultant  cachexy  of  the  organ- 
isms, we  may  anticipate,  my  dear  madam,  a  condition  of  gradual 
convalescence." 

"  Why,  doctor,  he  is  ever  so  much  better  already  !"  my  mother 
exclaimed,  impatiently;  "he  has  ordered  our  Tommy  to  go  himself 
as  far  as  the  shop  of  the  famous  Mr.  Chumps,  and  to  try  to  be  back 
by  twelve  o'clock,  with  three  pounds  cut  thick  of  tender  rump- steak 
and  two  dozen  of  oysters  from  Tester's.  And  he  is  coming  down- 
stairs to  dine  at  one  o'clock.  But  he  is  so  weak  that  I  shall  have  to 
help  him.  Deary  me,  what  a  thing  to  think  of!  And  a  week  ago 
he  carried  me  up  when  I  slipped  and  hurt  my  ankle.  And  I  am 
not  so  light  as  I  was,  you  know,  sir.  All  that  I  leave  now  to  my 
son  Tommy.  He  will  never  be  good  weight." 

"Very  few  medical  men,"  replied  the  doctor,  with  a  pleasant 
smile  at  both  of  us,  "  would  like  to  have  the  question  of  diet  so  com- 
pletely taken  out  of  their  own  hands.  But  as  soon  as  therapeusis 
has  reinstated  our  patients,  though  it  be  but  a  little,  they  are  apt  to 
think  themselves  quit  of  us.  And  then  there  comes  the  relapse,  my 
dear  madam  ;  then  there  comes  the  sad  relapse,  and  the  blame  of  it 
-t  on  us." 

11  He  has  taken  a  irreat  many  bottles,  sir,  such  as  I  never  could 
have  believed,"  my  mother  ans  \vered,  sorrowfully,  "and  it  will  be 
a  little  too  hard  upon  him  not  to  let  him  have  his  change.  How 
much  will  you  please  to  allow  him,  sir?" 

"Not  an  ounce,  if  I  could  help  it — liquid  nourishment  for  three 
days  more.  Our  poor  stomach  is  still  most  delicate,  and  unfitted  for 
solid  food.  Restrict  him,  at  any  rate,  to  three  ounces,  and  the  like 
number  of  oysters." 


112  TOMMY  UPMORE. 

This  was  easier  said  than  done.  My  father  got  through  a  good 
pound  of  steak  and  at  least  a  dozen  oysters;  and  after  that  he  felt 
so  well  that  he  had  a  pint  of  ale,  and  some  of  his  healthy  red  re- 
turned to  him.  My  mother  was  so  pleased  with  this  that  she  came 
to  his  chair  and  kissed  him;  and  he  said, 

"  My  dear,  I  thought  at  one  time  I  never  should  kiss  you  no  more, 
nor  Tommy  neither.  But  the  Lord  has  shown  Himself  most  merci- 
ful. And  I  don't  see  as  a  pipe  would  hurt  me." 

The  next  day  he  was  so  much  better  that  at  nine  o'clock  I  went 
back  to  school  and  worked  with  a  light  heart,  trying  to  make  up 
for  the  work  I  had  fallen  back  with.  And  Mr.  Cope  was  most  kind 
to  me,  and  said  that  I  did  very  well. 

I  was  let  off  early  in  the  afternoon,  as  mother  had  asked  that  I 
might  be;  and  with  a  good  wind  at  my  back  I  made  my  way  home 
at  such  a  pace  that  every  one  turned  to  look  at  me ;  for  my  lead  had 
been  laid  aside  through  father's  illness,  which  was  weight  enough. 
My  mother  was  equally  short  of  breath,  with  pleasure  and  excite- 
ment, when  she  ran  out  to  kiss  me.  And  she  said, 

"Oh,  Tommy,  your  father  is  as  well  as  ever,  I  do  believe.  He 
came  down-stairs  without  a  stick,  and  he  wrote  for  an  hour  about 
something,  and  then  he  made  a  capital  dinner,  and  slept  a  little  in 
the  afternoon.  And  Dr.  Flebotham  came  and  saw  him,  and  said, 
'My  dear  sir,  not  too  fast!  You  are  getting  well  at  a  wonderful  rate, 
but  you  must  avoid  excitement.  You  are  not  quite  out  of  our  hands 
yet. '  And  then  he  turned  to  me,  and  said,  '  We  must  be  careful  of 
the  heart,  dear  madam.  The  heart  has  had  a  sharp  trial,  and  has 
borne  it  well,  so  far  as  we  can  see ;  but  we  must  not  be  too  hard 
upon  it  while  its  action  is  so  weak.  Any  sudden  shock,  for  instance, 
might  have  very  grave  results.'  Your  father  began  to  laugh  at  this, 
until  he  remembered  how  very  kind  the  doctor  had  been,  and  so 
skilful.  And  then  he  begged  his  pardon,  and  shook  hands  with 
him ;  and  the  doctor  said,  '  Not  a  bad  grip  that,  Mr.  Upmore,  for  a 
hand  that  was  like  a  swab  on  Monday.  Keep  him  quiet,  and  he  will 
do.  Ah,  I  shall  boast  of  this  case  a  little;  and  I  am  sure  you  will 
help  me,  madam.'  And  so  I  will,  Tommy,  though  I  never  can  ap- 
prove of  being  called  'madam,'  like  a  Frenchwoman;  for  your  dear 
father  is  in  such  spirits  that  he  has  taken  an  ounce  of  bird's-eye  with 
him  and  gone  to  his  favorite  corner  by  the  tree,  where  the  wind 
brings  down  the  smoke  so  well,  and  what  the  people  who  write  in 
the  papers  call  the  '  pestilential  fumes. '  All  he  now  wants  to  set 
him  up  is  that  and  a  quart  of  fresh-drawn  stout;  and  he  said  that 
he  would  wait  for  that  till  you  came  home  from  school  to  fetch  it. 
So  don't  stop  now  to  do  anything,  my  dear,  except  to  put  your  slop- 


TOMMY  UPMORE.  113 

coat  on,  but  run  down  to  the  tree,  and  here  is  the  eightpence  —  a 
couple  of  Joeys,  as  you  call  them — and  there's  going  to  be  a  crab  for 
supper,  Tommy;  such  a  beauty,  from  a  friend  of  yours!  I'll  tell  you 
all  about  it  when  you  come  back,  and  you  shall  have  his  toes  to  suck 
•\vhile  you  help  me  to  do  his  cream." 

I  did  love  a  crab;  I  always  did.  And  as  the  greatest  delight  in 
oysters  hovers  over  opening  them  (for  no  delight  does  more  than 
hover),  so  of  a  crab  the  finest  hope  is  in  getting  him  ready  to  be 
cat  en,  and  in  tasting  stolen  bits  of  him. 

"  You  may  look  at  him,  Tommy,"  my  dear  mother  said;  and  there 
he  lay  among  lettuces,  with  his  sweet  legs  clasped,  as  if  in  prayer 
for  some  one  to  come  and  eat  them,  and  his  fat  claws  crossed  in  res- 
ignation to  the  mallet  or  the  rolling-pin. 

It  was  not  a  sight  to  cause  depression  in  the  hungry  human  mind ; 
neither  could  that  effect  be  got  from  a  very  well-browned  buckstone 
cake,  which  mother  allowed  me  to  smell  before  she  put  it  back  to  crisp 
a  bit.  Oh,  if  she  had  only  said,  "My  dear  boy,  put  your  belt  on,"  what 
a  difference  it  would  have  made!  But  she  never  thought  of  it  any 
more  than  I  did,  and  I  always  tried  not  to  think  of  it. 

With  all  these  things  to  set  me  up,  and  a  holiday  and  a  half  to 
come  out  of  the  two  ensuing  days— for  this  was  Friday  afternoon — 
I  set  off,  rather  at  a  dance  than  walk,  with  my  arms  thrown  up  and 
lungs  expanded,  and  my  broad-brimmed  leghorn  giving  flips  at  the 
wind  like  a  pigeon's  wing,  and  the  tucks  and  gathers  and  quilted 
flounces  of  my  blouse  lifting,  and  filling  in  the  air  like  bubbles,  and 
scarcely  so  much  as  a  thread  of  my  curls — as  mother  wras  fond  of 
expressing  it — that  did  not  glisten  in  the  sun,  and  hover  like  a  crown 
of  golden  gossamer.  Instead  of  opening  the  gate  I  flew  over  it,  and 
could  scarcely  keep  between  the  walls  below,  and  I  heard  mother 
calling, 

"Oh,  Tommy,  dear  Tommy,  come  back  for  your  belt." 

And  I  tried  to  do  it;  but  the  breeze  was  behind  me  and  I  must 
go  on.  Then,  where  the  old  weeping  plane-tree  stands  at  the  bot- 
tom of  our  garden  and  enjoys  the  smoke,  there  was  father  on  the 
bench,  with  his  back  against  the  trunk,  and  his  red  plush  waistcoat 
on,  and  a  long  "church-warden"  in  his  mouth,  and  his  favorite 
pewter  waiting  for  the  stout,  and  his  face  so  bright  at  seeing  me 
that  1  called  out, 

"Father  is  quite  well  again!  As  well  as  he  ever  was  in  all  his 
life!" 

And  he  said,  "Yes,  Tommy,  thank  the  Lord,  I  am.  I've  been 
thinking  of  you  all  day,  my  boy.  Come  and  give  me  a  kiss.  Why, 
how  wonderful  you  look !" 

8 


114  TOMMY  UPMORE. 

For  the  joy  was  more  than  I  could  bear ;  and  instead  of  being 
able  to  go  to  him,  I  was  lifted  in  a  moment  from  the  surface  of  the 
earth,  quicker  than  I  ever  had  gone  up  before.  Now,  the  faster  I  go 
up,  the  faster  I  go  round — this  seems  to  be  a  law  of  my  ascents — 
yet  I  do  not  remember  to  have  felt  much  fear;  and  indeed  there 
was  little  to  be  afraid  of,  unless  it  was  a  fall  into  our  own  chimney- 
stacks.  And  in  my  vile  stupidity  I  even  called  down, 

"  Now,  father,  now  will  you  believe  at  last?" 

Alas,  that  my  very  last  words  to  him  should  have  been  of  low 
and  unfilial  triumph!  As  I  tried  to  look  down  at  him  through  the 
tree,  to  show  him  how  comfortable  I  was  up  there,  I  saw  him  rush 
out,  with  his  pipe  in  one  hand,  from  the  bower  of  the  drooping 
branches;  and  he  stood  with  his  legs  wide  apart,  and  his  hat  off, 
and  threw  down  his  pipe,  and  rubbed  his  eyes  with  both  hands,  and 
then  lifted  them  up,  and  cried, 

"  The  Lord  forgive  me — that  He  hath  made  a  son  of  mine  to  fly!" 

Before  he  had  finished  his  exclamation  I  could  see  him  no  more, 
because  of  the  way  in  which  I  was  carried  round,  and  thus  escaped 
the  awful  shock  of  seeing  my  own  dear  father  fall.  And  before  I 
could  look  again  in  that  direction,  the  briskness  of  the  wind,  which 
was  north-west,  had  taken  me  so  far  that  the  plane-tree  came  be- 
tween, and  I  could  not  see  the  fearful  thing  that  I  myself  had  done. 

Yet  somehow  or  other  my  mind  misgave  me  that  I  had  left  some 
harm  behind,  and  my  weight  grew  greater  and  greater,  as  I  saw  no 
more  of  father,  who  ought  to  have  run  up  the  hill  to  watch  me, 
as  people  do  to  a  balloon.  This  made  me  come  down  at  the  bottom 
of  our  yard,  when  I  might  have  gone  over  the  Regent's  Canal.  My 
flights  are  always  cut  short  by  grief;  but  no  other  by  such  a  grief 
as  this. 


CHAPTER  XIX. 

COMFORT. 

WHEN  I  came  to  know  what  I  had  done,  through  shameful  levity 
and  heedlessness  and  selfish  triumph  and  greedy  ways — for  that 
crab  had  much  to  do  with  it — also  through  laziness  and  self-conceit 
and  the  absence  of  humble  gratitude,  which  would  have  taught  me 
to  fall  on  my  knees,  instead  of  skipping  up  like  a  bubble — for  many 
hours  I  lay  and  groaned,  and  was  much  more  likely  to  sink  into  the 
earth  than  ever  to  mount  into  the  air  again. 

My  mother,  in  her  first  great  shock  and  anguish,  had  called  me  a 
•wicked  boy,  and  said  that  I  never  ought  to  have  been  born,  and  I 
could  only  answer, 


TOMMY  UPMORE.  115 

"Oh,  how  much  I  wish  I  had  never  bccu!  But  it  was  more  your 
doing  than  mine,  mother." 

I  believe  that  I  should  have  gone  mad,  after  seeing  the  people 
come  with  father's  coffin,  if  I  had  been  left  in  the  house,  to  hear  and 
think  of  all  that  they  were  doing.  For  mother  was  not  at  all  strong- 
minded,  but  kept  on  falling  from  one  condition  of  heart  into  the  oppo- 
site, and  sometimes  cried  by  the  hour,  and  sometimes  laughed  at  her- 
self for  the  soreness  of  her  eyes.  And  then  it  was  so  clear  what  fa- 
ther had  been,  by  the  way  that  every  one  spoke  well  of  him — so  gentle 
and  generous  and  kind-hearted,  and  living  entirely  for  the  good  of 
others — that  instead  of  being  comforted  I  cried  more,  to  think  that 
it  was  I  who  had  destroyed  all  this.  Several  people  took  me  by  the 
hand,  or  patted  my  head,  and  made  me  look  up  at  them,  all  of  them 
seeming  to  say  the  same  words,  so  far  as  I  took  heed  of  them — 
"Don't  fret,  my  boy,  don't  knock  under  like  that.  It  can't  be 
helped  now.  Why,  you  did  not  mean  to  do  it,  and  }-ou  must  bear 
it  like  a  man,  you  know." 

But  all  this  only  made  me  fret  the  more;  my  heart  was  so  broken 
that  I  touched  no  food,  and  I  kept  on  asking  every  man,  who  looked 
at  all  like  an  authority,  to  please  to  get  me  sent  to  prison  for  seven 
years'  hard  labor.  Finding  no  one  ready  to  do  this,  I  banished  my- 
self to  the  coal-cellar,  and  had  a  fresh  cry  with  the  maid  whenever 
she  came  to  fill  the  scuttles.  For  no  one  else  came  near  me  now, 
my  poor  mother  being  unwell  up-stairs,  and  the  command  of  the 
house  handed  over  to  people  who  called  themselves  her  nearest 
relatives;  and  were  so,  if  Uncle  Bill  had  met  with  a  watery  grave, 
as  was  supposed.  These  people  were  the  Stareys  of  Stoke  Newing- 
ton  —  a  widow  lady  and  her  two  unmarried  daughters,  beginning 
now  to  be  old  maids.  Mrs.  Starey  was  mother's  half-sister,  nearly 
fifteen  years  the  elder,  and  so  her  daughters  were  my  half  first 
cousins,  and  might  have  tried  to  help  me.  Mother  said  afterwards, 
when  she  came  to  know  of  all  their  conduct,  that  they  did  their  best 
to  send  me  after  father;  and  for  a  very  good  reason  of  their  own— 
if  I  were  out  of  the  way  they  would  be  the  nearest  to  her  (if  Undo 
Bill  were  drowned,  as  they  had  reason  to  hope  of  him),  and  under 
my  father's  will  that  might  be  of  no  little  service  to  them.  But  it 
is  not  in  my  nature  to  believe  that  they  would  act  so;  and 
by  seeming  so  to  do,  they  lost  all  chance  of  everything.  So  much 
wiser,  as  well  as  sweeter,  is  it  in  the  long  run  for  us  to  be  kind  to 
one  another. 

But  to  dwell  upon  this  is  hateful  to  me,  and  I  cannot  bear  ill-will. 
Most  likely  the  truth  was  simply  this,  that  they  had  quite  enough 
to  do,  with  mother  lying  ill.  and  father  dead,  and  could  not  be 


116  TOMMY  UPMORE. 

bothered  with  me  as  well,  and  therefore  were  glad  to  be  quit  of  me, 
saying  that  a  boy's  grief  soon  forgets  itself;  and  if  I  did  not  eat, 
it  was  because  I  was  not  hungry.  But  time  and  youth  would  soon 
cure  that,  and  perhaps  they  might  have  done  so. 

However,  a  man  who  was  not  in  the  habit  of  judging  people 
harshly,  the  Rev.  St.  Simon  Cope,  was  highly  indignant  with  them. 
As  soon  as  he  heard  of  our  sad  loss,  he  thought  he  had  a  right  to  come 
and  help  us,  as  a  minister  of  the  Lord,  though  we  were  not  in  his 
district,  and  even  belonged  to  another  parish.  Mr.  Cope  was  not 
at  all  the  man  to  move  his  neighbor's  landmark,  and  he  knew  that 
our  parson  (who  never  came  near  us)  was  largely  evangelical,  as  the 
people  who  went  to  hear  him  said;  so  that  Mr.  Cope  came  to  visit 
us,  and  was  careful  to  put  it  so,  not  as  a  minister  of  the  Word,  but 
as  my  tutor  in  dead  languages.  In  whatever  capacity  he  meant  to 
come,  no  sooner  did  he  see  how  we  were  placed  than  he  threw 
parish  boundaries  overboard  and  became  the  true  minister  of  Christ. 
It  is  not  for  me  to  tell  what  he  said — such  matters  are  far  above  me. 
And  in  truth  it  was  less  what  he  said  than  did,  and  his  manner  of 
doing  it,  that  moved  us.  I  had  thought  him  a  very  cold  man  before 
— so  little  had  he  shown  of  feeling,  as  perhaps  was  needful  among 
boys,  but  now  brave  tears  were  on  his  firm  thin  cheeks,  and  I  sobbed 
to  look  at  them. 

"  Tommy,"  he  said,  as  he  drew  me  forth  from  the  coal,  which  was 
all  over  me,  and  he  never  had  called  me  "Tommy"  before,  which 
made  it  sound  so  kind  to  me — "  Tommy,  you  must  get  up  and  wash 
and  take  some  food  and  come  with  me.  Your  dear  mother  is  very 
poorly,  and  I  have  promised  to  take  you  to  her.  It  is  the  greatest 
comfort  she  can  have;  but  she  must  not  see  you  look  like  this." 

"Have  I  been  and  killed  mother,  too?  Will  mother  die,  sir,  do 
you  think,  the  same  as  my  father  did  through  me?" 

"No,  my  dear  boy.  Your  mother  will  soon  be  well  again  when 
she  sees  you.  She  keeps  on  calling  'Tommy,  Tommy!'  But  they 
say  that  you  refuse  to  go  to  her." 

"They  told  me,  sir,  that  she  never  would  bear  the  sight  of  me 
again  as  long  as  she  lived  ;  and  she  keeps  on  saying,  '  Wicked 
Tommy,  wicked  Tommy,  why  ever  were  you  born?'  And  I  wish  I 
never  had  been,  sir." 

"Listen  to  me  for  a  moment,  Tommy.  Not  one  word  of  that  is 
true.  What  she  may  have  said  at  first  I  cannot  tell,  and  you  must 
not  think  of,  for  she  cannot  have  known  what  she  said.  I  am  sure 
that  you  have  a  tender  heart,  and  not  a  bitter  one,  my  child.  You 
have  been  afflicted  heavily,  and  you  blame  yourself  unjustly.  Your 
only  fault  was  sudden  and  thoughtless  joy,  and  your  mother  sees 


TOMMY  UP  MORE.  117 

that  now.  She  wants  you  to  forgive  her,  for  she  behaved  unkindly, 
and  she  feels  it.  And  if  you  wish  to  make  her  well,  go  up  and  see 
her,  and  give  her  a  kiss,  and  let  her  talk,  while  you  say  little.  Then 
she  will  get  some  sleep  to-night — she  has  not  had  a  wink  since  her 
s:id  shock.  And  to-morrow  she  will  be  well  almost,  and  able  to  face 
her  sorrow  calmly,  for  her  illness  is  more  of  the  mind  than  body. 
But  go  and  do  what  I  told  you  first,  and  then  I  will  take  you  to  the 
door." 

Thus  was  it  that  this  good  man  saved  us— or  me  at  least — from 
black  despair  and  consequent  insanity;  for  who  can  be  sane  when 
hope  is  dead?  Everything  came  to  pass  exactly  as  he  had  foretold 
it,  though  I  will  not  attempt  to  describe  what  passed  between  dear 
mother  and  myself — such  matters  are  more  for  the  heart  than  tongue. 
Enough,  that  when  she  w\is  quite  worn  out  with  feeling  things  and 
talking  of  them,  she  fell  into  a  smiling  sleep,  and  I  smoothed  the 
bows  of  her  nightcap,  and  tried  not  to  believe  how  pale  she  was, 
and  how  many  little  sheaves  of  silver  grief  had  set  up  in  her  fine, 
dark  hair. 

Then,  when  she  was  fast  asleep,  after  having  managed,  with  my 
help,  to  get  through  a  calf's  sweetbread — which  Mr.  Cope  himself 
went  all  the  way  to  Mr.  Chumps  to  fetch  for  us — and  there  was  no 
likelihood  of  her  wanting  me  till  morning,  my  tutor  said, 

"Tommy,  you  look  respectable,  which  could  hardly  be  said  of 
you  just  now.  Get  your  night-clothes,  and  whatever  you  want,  and 
reverse  the  accustomed  walk.  Come  with  me  to  Kentish  Town,  and 
I  will  bring  you  back  in  a  day  or  two.  But  I  cannot  give  you  much 
time  to  get  ready,  and  you  will  have  to  walk  six  miles  an  hour." 

If  he  had  told  me  to  take  his  hand  for  an  urgent  appointment  with 
the  devil,  I  should  have  done  it  without  two  thoughts,  but  the  only 
engagement  he  had  to  keep  was  with  his  congregation.  This  was 
at  eight  o'clock  in  the  evening,  and,  counting  me  and  a  baby,  there 
were  eight  of  us  there  for  the  good  of  it,  without  including  the  min- 
ister. This  made  me  think,  with  a  turn  of  tears,  of  a  story  my  father 
used  to  tell,  of  his  asking  the  clerk  at  some  church  why  the  vicar  had 
service  at  five  o'clock  of  an  afternoon  on  week-days,  instead  of  seven 
or  eight  or  nine.  "Lord  bless  you,  sir,"  the  clerk  replied,  "if  we 
was  to  go  into  them  long  hours  we  should  never  keep  up  with  the 
time  of  day;  five  is  our  number  at  the  outside,  and  no  more."  And 
although  the  joke  was  very  small  it  made  me  smile,  as  a  bad  joke 
does,  wrhen  I  never  expected  to  have  another  smile.  The  service, 
moreover,  did  me  good,  though  I  never  heard  a  word  of  it. 

He  put  me  with  the  other  boys  next  day,  and  they  were  very  kind 
to  me,  knowing  the  trouble  that  I  was  in.  Jack  Windsor  was  not 


118  TOMMY  UNIQUE. 

there  now,  because  Mr.  Cope  had  plainly  told  his  father  that  he  found 
it  useless  to  go  on  with  him,  unless  there  was  any  downright  need 
of  a  standard  to  pass — and  it  must  be  a  low  one — for  the  army  or 
for  medicine  or  for  holy  orders.  For  all  lower  purposes  his  tutor 
said  that  he  was  quite  up  to  the  average:  he  could  write  and  spell 
quite  well  enough,  and  was  up  to  the  mark  in  arithmetic;  but  of 
Latin  and  Greek — if  by  great  pressure  any  more  were  ground  into 
him,  there  was  no  chance  of  it  staying  longer  than  the  time  his  nails 
(which  he  was  always  biting)  wrould  take  to  grow  if  he  left  off.  Mr. 
Windsor  answered  loftily — for,  together  with  his  wife,  he  had  always 
taken  Jack  to  be  a  wonder — that  he  considered  his  son  too  good,  by 
a  d — d  sight,  for  any  of  the  lines  of  life  Mr.  Cope  had  been  kind 
enough  to  mention,  and  he  would  take  away  poor  Jack  that  day, 
and  put  him  into  his  own  office,  where  he  would  learn  life  instead 
of  burying  dead  languages. 

Now  my  dear  father  was  in  the  habit  of  speaking  his  mind  quite 
plainty,  but  he  never  would  have  spoken  like  that,  so  rudely,  and 
sooner  would  he  have  bitten  his  tongue — very  considerably,  I  am 
sure — than  have  sworn  in  the  presence  of  a  parson. 

However,  although  Jack  was  gone,  there  were  several  fellows  who 
had  heard  all,  and  a  great  deal  more  than  all,  about  me  and  my  in- 
born affliction ;  and  although  they  behaved  with  extraordinary  kind- 
ness (being  all  on  the  way  to  be  gentlemen),  whenever  they  thought 
that  I  was  not  looking  they  were  looking  at  me,  with  desire  to  form 
their  own  opinions  silently,  and  compare  them  freely  when  my  back 
was  turned;  for  the  result  of  any  peculiarity  less  conspicuous,  per- 
haps, than  mine,  is  to  attract  attention,  and  that  becomes  a  curse  far 
greater  than  the  blessing  of  even  the  noblest  gifts. 

When  the  doctor  was  kind  enough  to  spare  my  mother  all  the  pub- 
lic pain  of  an  inquest,  by  certifying  "  sudden  death  from  failure  of 
the  heart,  after  violent  attack  of  cholera, "  it  might  have  been  hoped 
that  outside  strangers  would  have  gone  on  their  way  without  med- 
dling. So  all  right-minded  persons  did.  They  had  their  little  talk 
among  themselves,  and  expressed  a  very  natural  surprise,  and  agreed 
or  differed,  according  to  the  peace  or  pugnacity  of  character.  And 
the  matter  would  have  been  a  nine  days'  wonder  for  the  nine  or  ten 
beholders,  but  for  the  prying  self-conceit  of  a  picker-up  of  news  for 
the  Pratt  Street  Express,  a  penny  paper  coming  out  on  Saturdays.  I 
will  not  speak  ill  of  this  gentleman,  for  I  came  to  know  him  after- 
wards, and  found  him  a  pleasant  and  well-meaning  man.  He  had 
no  intention  of  inflicting  pain,  and  he  freely  admitted  that  a  sense 
of  duty  compelled  him  to  write  what  he  did  not  believe  a  word  of, 
lest  a  rival  journal  should  get  the  start  of  his. 


TOMMY  UPMORE.  119 

My  tutor,  Mr.  Cope,  sent  a  line  to  my  mother  on  Tuesday,  to  in- 
form her  that  he  thought  it  would  be,  for  very  many  reasons,  wiser 
that  I  should  not  be  present  at  the  funeral  of  my  beloved  father. 
He  did  not  tell  me  that  it  was  to  be  that  day,  and  I  did  not  venture 
to  ask  about  it,  leaving  myself  entirely  in  his  hands.  My  mother 
wrote  back,  as  it  afterwards  appeared,  that  she  quite  agreed  with 
him,  and  would  not  expect  me  until  all  was  over.  That  same  even- 
ing he  took  me  home,  and  asked  me  on  the  road  whether  I  could 
IK-MI-  to  hear  a  few  words  from  him.  I  said  yes,  whatever  he  thought 
fit,  for  my  heart  was  strengthened  while  I  held  his  hand. 

After  words  of  religious  consolation,  which  fell  from  his  lips  as  if 
from  heaven — for  the  whole  of  his  life  was  above  this  world,  and 
the  preface  to  a  better  one— he  proceeded  partly  as  follows,  though 
I  cannot  put  it  quite  as  he  did: 

"From  all  that  I  hear,  and  allowing  much  for  large  exaggerations, 
you  have  a  remarkable  gift,  my  boy,  of  which  I  heard  something 
from  my  friend,  the  Bishop.  From  my  own  observation,  I  know 
that  your  bodily  frame  is  of  wonderful  buoyancy,  as  your  mind  was 
also,  until  this  sad  distress  for  the  time  oppressed  it.  You  have 
very  good  abilities— far  above  the  average — an  extremely  tenacious 
memory,  quick  apprehension,  with  clearness  of  insight  and  a  love 
of  whatever  is  elegant,  which  would  make  you  a  very  good  classical 
scholar,  with  industry,  good  teaching,  and,  above  all,  good  health. 
That  last  is  the  point  which  makes  me  doubt  the  wisdom  of  press- 
ing you  much  in  that  way,  although  you  have  never  known  a  day 
of  illness  until  this  trouble  fell  upon  you;  for  a  body  so  light  can 
scarcely  contain  the  substance  needful  for  hard  work.  But  your 
duty,  as  to  that,  will  depend  very  much  upon  what  your  father's 
orders  were.  He  has  left  (as  I  happened  to  observe)  a  statement  in 
writing  of  his  wishes  concerning  you.  One  of  the  ladies  in  the 
house  had  opened  his  desk,  which  had  the  key  left  in,  while  looking 
for  some  paper  to  boil  the  kettle;  and  I  fear  that  she  would  have 
used  this  important  paper,  in  ignorance  of  what  she  was  doing  at 
the  moment,  if  I  had  not  asked  her  to  put  it  back.  Then  I  locked 
the  desk,  and  your  mother  has  the  key.  It  was  not  a  will— your 
mother  has  his  will— but  to  you  it  should  have  all  the  authority  of 
a  will.  These  things  are  important;  but  what  I  would  speak  of  is, 
from  my  point  of  view,  more  important  still.  You  know  that 
whatever  is  iiiven  to  us,  is  given  for  some  good  purpose.  Your 
mental. .dfts  are  not  wonderful,  although,  as  I  have  saiil.  they  are 
above  the  average;  but  your  bodily  i;ifts  are  quite  exceptional — I 
think  I  may  say,  though  I  have  never  studied  physics — and  for 
them  you  will  have  a  good  account  to  render." 


120  TOMMY  UPMORE. 

"  But  how,  sir,  how?"  I  asked,  with  some  excitement;  "  as  yet  I 
have  only  come  to  trouble  through  all  that.  Please  to  tell  me  any 
way  of  doing  any  good  with  it." 

"At  present  I  cannot,"  Mr.  Cope  replied;  "but  as  sure  as  I  am 
speaking  to  you,  Tommy  Upmore,  the  way  and  the  means  will  ap- 
pear by-and-by.  It  is  your  duty  to  improve  your  gift,  so  far  as  dis- 
cretion and  health  permit,  and  to  await  the  opportunity  for  some 
great  good  to  your  country,  humanity,  or  religion. " 


CHAPTER  XX. 

BOIL     NO     MORE. 

THAT  very  evening  it  was  thought  wise  that  the  members  of  the 
Starey  family,  who  had  come  so  kindly  to  our  aid,  should  return  to 
the  bosom  of  their  own  affairs,  at  that  pleasant  place  Stoke  New- 
ington.  My  dear  father  was  so  widely  known,  and  so  loved  and 
admired  by  all  the  trade,  that  he  received  an  exceedingly  large  fu- 
neral. My  dear  mother  told  me  how  many  high  firms — nearly  all  of 
them  wholesale — were  represented,  but  I  was  pleased  only  because 
of  her  pleasure,  or  rather  of  the  comfort  she  drew  from  it.  More- 
over, there  were  ancient  friends  who  came,  as  well  as  still  more  of 
new  date,  and  even  some  nephews  of  the  name  of  Upmore,  with 
warm  recollections  of  their  dear  uncle  and  hopes  of  a  mutual  (though 
posthumous)  remembrance.  Some  of  these  had  a  good  claim  to  be 
fed  in  the  hunger  and  thirst  of  unavailing  sorrow — for  none  of  them 
was  down  for  sixpence — and  my  mother,  who  had  made  a  great  ef- 
fort to  attend,  naturally  left  Mrs.  Starey  and  her  daughters  to  offer 
consolation  to  these  mourners.  Among  them  so  deep  a  flow  of  sym- 
pathy was  opened,  that  when  Mr.  Cope  and  mj^self  came  in,  all  the 
members  of  the  Starey  family — for  our  three  had  fetched  the  residue — 
were  (as  Mr.  Cope  said  afterwards)  totally  unable  to  stare.  This 
made  it  incumbent  upon  us  to  send  them  home,  and  two  cabs  were 
ordered,  with  drivers  of  well-known  integrity,  who  received  the 
whole  of  them  and  their  goods  on  condition  of  getting  their  money 
as  soon  as  their  job  was  discharged  conscientiously — only  they  must 
get  it  from  the  people  they  took  home,  and  not  from  those  com- 
pelled to  pack  them  off.  Like  all  other  sensible  arrangements  this 
turned  out  to  all  reasonable  satisfaction,  though  the  Stareys  made 
a  fearful  fuss  about  it,  grieving  to  go  away  at  all,  and  still  more  to 
do  it  at  their  own  expense.  They  seemed  to  forget  altogether,  that 
when  starvation  stared  them  in  the  face,  my  father  set  them  up  in  a 


TOMMY  UPMORE.  121 

small  candle-shop,  and  supplied  them  for  three  months  on  full  credit. 
But  such  is  the  way  of  the  world,  and  what  right  have  I  to  be  find- 
ing fault  with  it  while  yet  I  continue  to  belong  to  it? 

When  all  this  was  over,  and  my  mother  gone  to  sleep,  I  opened 
the  paper  which  she  had  given  me,  and  with  two  of  our  own  best 
candles  lit  (for  my  father  would  never  have  gas  in  the  house  to  ruin 
our  eyes  and  to  disgrace  our  business)  I  read  every  word  of  it,  sigh- 
ing sometimes,  and  sometimes  crying,  to  find  how  good  he  had  been 
to  me  who  had  paid  him  out  so  badly.  And  private  as  the  matter 
was,  the  public,  having  taken  such  a  kindly  interest  in  me,  might 
fairly  call  me  ungrateful  if  I  shut  them  out  of  all  of  it.  Neither 
could  that  be  done  without  a  confusion  arising  between  us.  My 
dear  father  had  clear  ideas  as  to  his  own  will  and  way,  and  while 
he  enjoyed  himself  much  in  the  world,  he  carried  on  his  work  to 
suit.  He  had  written  a  letter  to  me,  to  be  read  when  he  could  no 
more  talk  to  me,  though  he  little  thought  how  soon  that  would  be. 
After  things  which  I  need  not  enter  into,  he  proceeded  with  these 
words,  the  whole  being  written  in  a  plain  round  hand: 

"  \'ou  will  see,  my  son,  that  I  have  worked  hard,  chiefly  that  you 
may  do  well.  If  anything  happens  to  me  of  a  sudden,  as  may  be 
the  case  after  what  I  have  gone  through,  your  mother  will  be  well 
provided  for,  as  she  has  thoroughly  deserved  of  me.  Everything 
will  be  at  her  discretion,  but  I  am  sure  that  she  will  carry  out  what- 
ever I  wish  concerning  you.  Cut  no  capers  with  my  hard  earnings; 
I  think  you  have  too  much  sense  for  that,  and  I  have  taken  good 
care  to  prevent  it.  None  of  your  high- society  nonsense,  which  is 
not  fit  for  a  tradesman's  son,  but  a  steady  rise  in  the  world,  which 
is  according  to  the  laws  of  England.  When  the  business  has  been 
well  disposed  of — after  completion  of  all  jobs  in  hand  according  to 
the  meaning  of  my  will — you  must  go  on  with  your  school  learning 
at  the  Oxford  colleges,  where  your  friend  Bill  Chumps  has  done  so 
well.  I  have  had  a  long  talk  with  Mr.  Cope,  though  I  did  not  tell 
your  mother  of  it,  and  he  says  that  the  money  will  not  be  thrown 
away,  for  it  makes  you  anybody's  equal,  except  among  the  nobility. 
You  have  quite  as  good  a  head-piece  as  Bill  Chumps,  if  you  will 
stick  to  it  as  he  has  done  ;  and  you  will  see  that  it  pays  as  well  to 
boil  down  animals  as  to  cut  them  up,  when  a  man  understands  the 
business. 

"  When  you  have  been  through  the  colleges  I  intend  to  send  you 
into  Parliament,  that  you  may  counteract  the  Radicals.  These  are 
now  making  so  much  bluster,  and  getting  their  own  wicked  way 
so  fast,  that  unless  a  firm  stand  is  made  against  them  no  man's  life 
will  be  his  own,  no  more  than  his  land  or  money  will.  Robbery  is 


122  TOMMY  UPMORE. 

the  beginning,  and  robbery  is  the  end  of  it ;  and  in  the  middle  stands 
the  man  with  the  biggest  pair  of  jaws,  and  laughs  as  he  pockets  all 
their  thievery.  If  this  goes  on,  a  man  had  better  lie  down  on  his 
back  and  rant  all  day,  than  labor  hard  and  be  robbed  of  it.  You 
have  heard  me  talk  of  this,  my  son  ;  but  we  have  only  turned  the 
first  leaf  yet,  if  Mr.  Panclast  gets  the  power  he  has  set  his  stubborn 
heart  on. 

"  Tommy,  I  am  not  a  wise  man,  nor  even  to  be  called  a  clever 
one,  but  I  am  of  a  sort  that  is  going  by,  and  perhaps  will  be  missed 
hereafter:  that  is  to  say,  an  Englishman  of  common-sense  and  of 
fair-play  and  of  tidy  pride  in  his  country.  All  these  are  dragged 
in  the  dirt  by  the  people  now  getting  upperhand  of  us;  and  what 
will  come  of  it  ?  They  will  drag  themselves  in  the  dirt,  and  their 
children,  until  our  grandsons  are  ashamed  to  say,  '  I  am  an  Eng- 
lishman. ' 

"Now  mind  you  this,  my  dear  son,  though  you  have  little  chance 
of  doing  it:  fight  you,  tooth  and  nail,  against  the  white-livered  lot  of 
Panclast.  Who  is  he,  by  right  of  gab,  and  words  no  more  English 
than  himself,  to  upset  the  meaning  of  England  and  the  value  of  an 
Englishman?  A  change  will  come,  among  the  changes  he  is  always 
starting,  when  people  will  try  to  respect  themselves;  and  finding  it 
all  too  late  for  that,  will  turn  against  him  who  has  made  it  so.  Then 
a  very  few  men,  without  possessing  any  quality  at  all  wonderful,  ex- 
cept their  love  of  their  country,  may  lay  hold  of  the  sense  of  our  dis- 
grace and  make  it  serve  for  common-sense.  Then  good-bye  to  Mr. 
Panclast! 

"  Tommy,  I  wish  that  I  might  live  to  see  a  son  of  mine  bear  share 
in  such  an  act  of  righteousness.  But  I  hear  your  mother  with  the 

dinner  ready,  and  I  will  go  on  about  it  to-morrow." 

*  *  *  *  *  *  * 

The  abruptness  of  this  conclusion  made  me  as  sad  almost  as  any- 
thing, although  I  do  not  see  how  my  father,  writing  so  much  in 
prophetic  vein,  could  have  added  anything  of  more  precision  for 
my  future  guidance.  I  thoroughly  understood  his  wishes  from  the 
above  brief  sketch  of  them,  and  they  agreed  entirely  with  my  own — 
so  far,  at  least,  as  I  had  paid  attention  to  such  matters.  Very  few 
boys  at  school,  as  yet,  had  made  up  their  minds  immutably — as  Sir 
Roland  Twentifold  had  done  already,  and  as  every  school-boy  now 
does  at  once — what  side  in  politics  is  the  only  right  one,  and  how  it 
may  best  be  promoted. 

As  soon  as  we  had  the  time  and  spirit  to  look  round  and  think 
again,  we  could  not  help  admiring  more  and  more  my  father's  wis- 
dom. Not,  by  any  manner  of  means,  on  account  of  the  sum  he  had 


TOMMY  UPMOllE.  1_>:>, 

left  for  our  benefit,  though  this  turned  out  to  be  three  times  as  much 
as  my  mother,  in  her  most  hopeful  moments,  had  ever  dreamed  of 
finding  it.  It  would  be  unnatural  if  this  had  failed  to  increase  her 
admiration,  but  she  wished  everybody  to  understand  that  of  that  she 
thought  nothing,  in  comparison  with  subjects  so  much  higher.  When 
coarse  people  said,  "  lie  has  cut  up  grandly.  My  dear  lady,  I  con- 
gratulate you  and  your  most  interesting  son,  with  all  my  heart,"  she 
simply  waved  her  hand,  and  said,  "  Sir,  you  can  never  have  felt  as 
I  do.  Money  is  only  an  added  trouble  when  the  guiding  hand  is 
gone,  and  gross  exaggerations  are  made  about  it. "  And  she  felt  most 
deeply  the  great  injustice  and  cruel  hardship  of  paying  for  probate 
a  sum  which  made  her  weep  again,  because  of  the  utter  want  of  feel- 
ing exhibited  by  the  Revenue. 

However,  all  this  had  one  good  effect,  perhaps  contemplated  by 
the  Revenue.  To  some  extent  it  helped  to  turn  the  channels  of  her 
grief  towards  indignation,  as  well  as  compelled  her  to  look  sharp, 
to  baflle  the  harpies  of  the  law,  by  all  the  resources  of  honesty.  And 
so  well  did  she  manage,  with  the  aid  of  Mrs.  Windsor  (who  became 
a  very  dear  friend  now,  and  entered  into  all  her  righteous  feelings), 
that  much  disappointment  and  many  low  suspicions  rankled  in  the 
stony  heart  of  Somerset  House. 

But  that  which  my  mother  and  myself,  and  even  the  lawyer  whom 
we  were  obliged  to  employ,  found  the  most  remarkable,  was  the  skill 
and  forethought  displayed  by  father  in  the  settlement  of  all  trade 
affairs.  I  need  not  go  into  particulars  nowT,  any  more  than  I  need 
state  exactly  the  value  of  his  net  estate.  Upon  that  point  there  are 
always  people  who  know  ten  times  as  much  as  the  acting  executor 
can  discover,  and  are  not  to  be  put  down  by  any  process  of  sworn 
arithmetic;  though  as  yet  it  had  not  become  the  duty  of  any  public 
journal  to  measure  the  depth  of  a  dead  man's  pocket,  and  tell  the 
world  how  he  divided  it.  It  "will  be  enough  for  those  who  care  to 
follow  my  humble  fortune  to  know  that  Kentish  Town,  Camden 
Town,  Islington,  and  Ball's  Pond  were  wrong  —  though  they  all 
d  about  it,  and,  if  any  stranger  doubted,  doubled  it — in  putting 
it  at  considerably  over  the  sum  of  a  hundred  thousand  pounds. 

With  regard  to  the  works,  my  father  had  provided  that  any  gov- 
ernment contracts  taken  before  his  death  should  be  exeeutcd:  and  if 
any  more  were  offered  upon  like  terms,  his  executors  should  accept 
them  so  long  as  the  Conservatives  remained  in  office.  But  if,  as  he 
clearly  anticipated,  the  kingdom  were  overrun  shortly  by  Radicalism 
and  robbery,  the  long-established  firm  of  Upmore  was  not  to  be  as- 
soeiated  with  them.  For  they  cut  down  contracts  to  the  uttermost 
farthing,  and  no  honest  man  could  work  under  them.  In  that  case 


124  TOMMY  UPMORE. 

our  works  must  be  offered  for  sale,  upon  certain  conditions  and 
terms,  etc.,  all  of  which  proved  his  wisdom. 

But  nothing  proved  his  wisdom  and  clinched  his  words  with  a 
sledge-hammer  power  so  much  as  the  speedy  result  upon  his  pro- 
viso about  contracts.  For  fear  of  spoiling  my  education  and  attach- 
ing a  soapy  smell  to  me,  it  was  strictly  declared  that  I  must  keep 
away  from  meddling  with  a  business  which  I  did  not  understand. 
This  alone  will  show  the  absurdity  of  the  cries  (now  raised  for  party 
purposes)  of  "Soap  "  and  "Dips"  and  "Where's  the  grease-pot  ?" 
— with  which  I  still  have  to  contend  when  I  rise  to  address  our  en- 
lightened operatives.  My  father  had  foreseen,  I  will  not  say  all — 
for  no  Jeremiah  could  have  ever  done  that — but  some  of  the  mum- 
bling and  blear-eyed  decrepitude  of  the  British  nation,  which  now 
sets  us  longing  to  be  Boers  or  Zulus,  or  anything  but  what  we  un- 
happily are.  And  this  foresight  was  shown  in  the  result  of  the  very 
next  general  election.  The  Radicals  (who  are  forced,  by  their  own 
consciences,  to  set  every  other  nation  in  the  world  before  their  own) 
came  in  with  a  rampant  arid  blatant — the  former  to  the  friends  of 
our  country,  and  the  latter  to  her  foes — majority  of  six-score  at 
least. 

No  sooner  was  the  result  made  known,  with  a  mighty  flourish  of 
trumpets  and  a  proclamation  of  the  millennium,  than  a  private  and 
confidential  circular  was  received  by  all  substantial  and  enterpris- 
ing boilers.  In  it  the  very  ancient  date  of  this  typical  firm  was 
stated,  as  well  as  its  rare  advantages  in  position,  and  a  thousand 
other  things,  including  a  vested  right  in  government  contracts,  and 
a  certainty  of  being  bought  out  at  a  very  noble  figure  by  the  com- 
mittee of  the  new  cattle  market.  Moreover,  ashes  were  in  great  de- 
mand, for  a  newly  formed  building  company  would  take  a  million 
loads  at  once,  to  erect  a  thousand  substantial  villas  entirely  upon, 
and  for  the  most  part  of  them. 

Everything  was  going  up  and  off  just  then,  like  steam  and  smoke 
and  bubbles  mixed,  as  they  used  to  be  at  our  chimney-top.  When 
a  Liberal  government  first  comes  in  it  sets  all  knaves  a-dancing ;  and 
even  honest  folk  prick  long  ears  up  at  the  infectious  fanfaronade  of 
the  great  "  Rogue's  March."  There  are  certain  to  be  at  once  bright 
summers,  kindly  winters,  and  vernal  springs  ;  and  autumn  will 
stand  so  thick  with  corn  that  even  the  British  farmer  may  have 
some  hope  to  get  a  gleaning.  Trade  shall  flourish,  good- will  abound, 
adulteration — alone  of  British  industries — be  subsidized,  and  every 
foreign  bullet  fired  into  the  back  of  an  Englishman  shall  go  back, 
ton  for  ton,  in  gold. 

National  securities  went  up,  with  the  certainty  that  they  might 


TOMMY  UPMORE.  123 

be  sacked,  without  any  expense  in  defending  them,  and  commercial 
circles  squared  themselves,  with  the  magic  joy  which  precedes  the 
sure  accomplishment  of  the  impossible.  Every  sort  of  investment 
was  in  demand,  and  everybody  expected  ten  per  cent,  on  his  capital 
without  posting  it.  Even  Mr.  Windsor,  a  stout  old  Tory,  fell  into 
the  rush  of  the  Liberal  flood,  and  longed  to  buy  my  father's  works; 
but  my  mother  begged  him  not  to  do  so,  for  she  would  have  been 
loath  to  see  him  disappointed,  and  the  price  was  high.  She  told  him 
of  my  father's  caution,  and  he  wisely  saw  its  force. 

I  am  heartily  glad  that  it  was  so  ;  for  without  that  risk  our  friend 
and  neighbor  lost  as  much  as  he  could  afford,  when  the  usual  relapse 
set  in,  from  braggart  talk  and  swindling  promise.  But  while  these 
were  new  and  bright  they  served  our  turn,  without  fault  of  ours  ; 
and  a  Radical  of  high  faith  and  sound  cash  lost  both,  I  am  very 
sorry  to  say,  in  carrying  on  our  fine  old  trade. 

When  these  arrangements  were  complete,  my  dear  mother  carried 
out  what  she  knew  to  be  my  father's  wishes — though  he  had  not 
found  time  to  state  them — by  removing  to  a  house  upon  Haverstock 
Hill,  which  stood  in  its  own  grounds,  and  saw  as  little  of  London 
as  a  "genteel  villa"  could  wish  to  do  ;  while  the  omnibuses  passed 
our  gate  every  twenty  minutes,  both  to  and  fro.  Under  the  law- 
yer's advice  she  bought  this  house  when  she  had  tried  it,  and  then 
she  set  up  a  cook  and  house-maid,  and  a  boy  to  do  the  knives,  and 
a  pony,  twelve  hands  high,  to  carry  me  when  he  went  quietly,  or 
to  pitch  me  off  when  he  was  cross.  And,  whatever  the  weather 
on  week-days,  by  'bus  or  pony  or  afoot,  I  went  to  Mr.  St. 
Simon  Cope  to  learn  the  classics  and  to  hear  him  preach  on  Sun- 
days, until  I  was  eighteen  years  old,  and  obliged  to  go  to  Oxford. 


CHAPTER  XXI. 

T11E  SEAT   OF   LEARNING. 

ON  the  very  day  before  I  went  to  Corpus  College,  Oxford,  my 
mother  did  a  thing  she  had  never  done,  nor  allowed  to  be  done  be- 
fore. She  took  me  to  the  Standard  man,  who  was  ready  in  fine 
weather  then,  at  the  corner  of  the  road  (where  people  rest  in  going 
up  the  hill),  to  tell  them  how  much  they  weighed  and  measured  for 
a  penny  apiece,  and  anything  more  they  pleased.  My  mother  gave 
him  twopence,  which  >he  said  was  such  a  lucky  sum  that  it  might 
save  all  the  ill  effects,  though  Mr.  Cope  had  assured  her  that  there 
could  be  no  harm  done  by  it ;  and  after  great  deliberation,  with  a 


126  TOMMY  UP  MO  RE. 

view  to  sixpence,  and  measuring  me  round  the  chest— thirty-nine 
inches  and  a  half — and  levelling  the  top  of  my  head  at  five  feet  six 
and  three-quarters  (to  which  I  added  two  inches  afterwards),  he  put 
me  on  his  plate  and  started  backward  in  amazement. 

"Must  be  zummat  wrong  with  this  here,"  he  said;  "no  young 
gent  of  that  bigness  ever  could  draw  under  six  stone  six.  There's 
plenty  of  grown-up  people  does,  but  then  they  be  dwarfs  or  mites 
or  scrummies.  But  you  be  a  fair-grown  young  gent,  sir,  taller  and 
bigger  than  the  average  of  the  British  army,  nowadays,  though  not 
up  to  the  size  of  the  Peelers.  Never  can  be  true  weight  this. 
Ma'am,  will  you  please  step  on  to  try  the  machine?  Twopence 
pays  for  two,  you  know. " 

"I  am  astonished  that  you  should  think  of  such  a  thing,"  my  dear 
mother  answered,  as  she  turned  away;  "  I  dare  say  your  machine  is 
as  right  as  usual.  You  don't  buy  or  sell  by  it.  Tommy,  my  dear, 
have  your  ticket  printed,  and  come  after  me  to  our  carriage-entrance. " 

' '  I  puts  you  at  eighteen,  ma'am,  eighteen  stone,  every  pound  of 
it,"  the  Standard  man  called  after  her,  and  thereby  lost  the  sixpence 
which  I  was  holding  in  my  hand  for  him;  "but  as  for  this  young 
gent,  if  he  ain't  flying  Tommy,  as  I've  heerd  of,  my  opinion  is  that 
he  ought  to  be." 

I  was  sorry  to  find  that  the  like  opinion,  or  at  least  a  suspicion  to 
that  effect,  had  already  reached  Oxford  long  before  I  did.  Mr.  Cope 
had  most  kindly  accompanied  me  when  I  went  up  to  matriculate; 
but  certainly  he  would  have  kept  strict  silence  as  to  my  sad  afflic- 
tion, unless  he  had  thought  it  his  duty  perhaps  to  speak  of  it  confi- 
dentially to  the  tutor  appointed  me  by  the  college;  and  this  was 
rather  a  nominal  than  a  real  thing  in  my  time,  and  would  scarcely 
be  done  till  I  went  into  residence.  I  have  known  many  men  who 
could  not  tell  which  of  the  college  tutors  was  their  special  patron 
and  guardian,  though  in  that  respect  I  was  very  lucky. 

However  that  may  be,  I  saw  at  once,  when  the  college  met  for  the 
term  at  chapel,  that  in  some  way  or  other  my  fame  had  outrun  me; 
and  I  could  not  ascribe  it  to  my  mental  gifts,  which  were  by  no 
means  eminent.  All  the  undergraduates  looked  at  me  with  warm 
but  not  rude  inquiry,  and  even  the  Dons  from  their  lofty  thrones 
vouchsafed  me  sidelong  glances;  and  before  very  long  there  was 
no  doubt  left,  for  the  captain  of  the  college  boat-club  called  upon 
me  quite  early  in  the  day,  and  apologized  for  self-introduction  on 
the  score  of  public  duty.  As  behooved  a  Freshman,  I  was  rather 
nervous  in  the  presence  of  one  so  exalted;  but  he  very  soon  set  me 
at  my  ease ;  and  as  soon  as  the  buttery  was  open  I  sent  for  a  tank- 
ard of  Corpus  ale  at  his  most  kind  suggestion.  In  a  very  pleasant 


TOMMY  UP  MO  RE.  127 

manner  he  drank  my  health,  and  said  that  he  saw  a  great  future 
before  me,  if  I  would  only  go  in  for  it.  I  begged  him  to  explain; 
which  he  did  at  once,  after  asking  whether,  as  a  Corpus  man,  I  would 
let  him  drop  all  formality.  Being  proud  to  be  called  a  Corpus  man 
— a  Incus  a  non  lucetido  nuncupative — I  assured  him,  once  for  all,  of 
my  good-will,  and  freedom  from  little  prejudices.  Thereupon  he 
stood  up,  and  asked  me  to  do  the  same;  and  without  further  cere- 
mony took  me  by  the  collar,  and  with  one  arm  at  full  length  held 
me  in  the  air,  without  even  putting  his  lips  together.  At  first  I 
was  certainly  surprised  a  little,  having  heard  so  much  of  Oxford 
etiquette,  but  the  smile  on  his  face  re-assured  me. 

"Noble!"  he  exclaimed,  "even  better  than  I  hoped.  Upmorc, 
we  shall  be  head  of  the  river  four  nights  after  the  eights  begin; 
and  the  beauty  of  it  is,  that  you  look  quite  unlike  a  feather-weight." 

All  this  was  far  beyond  my  comprehension,  and  he  laughed  again 
when  I  told  him  so. 

' '  Why,  of  course  what  I  mean  is  that  we  want  a  coxswain,  and 
you  are  the  very  man  for  it.  Our  present  man  is  two  stone  too 
heavy,  as  well  as  a  bad  hand  at  the  lines,  and  no  man  fit  for  it 
came  up  last  term." 

"What  lines?"  I  asked;  "I  can  say  the  Georgics,  and  all  the  odes 
of  Horace,  and  the  three  first  books  of  the  'Iliad/  except  the  cata- 
logue of  ships;  but  I  don't  know  what  a  coxswain  is." 

"We'll  soon  teach  you  the  catalogue  of  ships,"  he  answered,  with 
a  laugh  at  his  own  wit;  "and  the  Corpus  ship  shall  be  the  first. 
And  as  for  not  knowing  what  a  coxswain  is,  you  are  all  the  better 
for  that,  because  you  can't  have  formed  erroneous  theories,  (an 
you  tell  me  exactly  what  your  weight  is?  I  should  say  well  under 
eight." 

Upon  this  point  I  satisfied  him,  by  producing  the  ticket  of  the 
Standard  man,  which  exalted  me  yet  more  in  his  esteem. 

"Six  stone  six,"  he  cried,  "and  nearly  forty  inches  round  the 
chest!  By  Jove,  what  a  stunning  coxswain!  And  another  pull  we 
shall  get  out  of  you.  With  the  wind  astern,  your  head  of  hair  will 
be  as  good  as  a  lug-sail;  and  with  the  wind  ahead,  we  can  reef  it 
hard.  My  dear  boy,  what  a  blessing  you  will  be  to  old  Corp  first, 
and  then  to  the  university!  No  lectures  to-day,  as  I  suppose  you 
know.  I'll  just  go  and  tell  the  other  men  what  a  wonderful  piece 
of  good-luck  has  turned  up,  and  then  I'll  go  down  to  the  barge  with 
you.  We'll  have  a  day's  practice  with  a  fine  old  tub;  and  if  you 
can't  steer  pretty  fairly  by  Hall-time,  you're  a  much  biirucr  muff 
than  you  look,  and  I'm  no  judge  of  fizzy — fizzyoggery.  My  name 
it  is  Green,  as  the  poet  observes,  but  you  don't  see  much  of  it  in  my 


128  TOMMY  UPMORE. 

eye.  Ta,  ta,  Upniore,  for  half  an  hour.  Don't  go  out  till  I  come 
back.  We'll  fit  you  up  with  the  water  toggery." 

Mr.  Green  went  down  my  stairs— for  I  lived  in  a  garret  of  the 
highest  quality — even  quicker  than  I  could  have  gone  myself,  though 
I  gladly  would  have  challenged  him  to  a  race  up ;  and  he  chanted 
as  he  went  a  loud  song  of  triumph;  and  all  these  things  amazed  me. 
What  I  had  expected  to  find  at  Oxford,  from  the  look  of  the  place 
and  from  what  I  had  heard,  was  stiffness,  formality,  quiet,  seclusion, 
and,  above  all,  a  classic  and  religious  air. 

Bill  Chumps,  of  course,  could  have  told  me  better ;  but,  through  a 
number  of  causes,  I  had  seen  very  little  of  him  lately,  and  the  last 
time  we  met  he  had  no  idea  that  I  was  to  go  up  so  soon.  Indeed, 
there  had  been  a  little  misunderstanding  between  the  Chumpses  and 
the  Upmores.  We  had  a  sort  of  an  idea  that  since  Bill  got  his 
double-first  and  fellowship  at  Popeseye,  he  had  not  cared  to  come 
and  have  his  bit  of  dinner  with  us  altogether  in  the  ancient  way. 
Whereas  Mr.  Chumps,  as  I  found  out  afterwards,  sticking  to  business 
as  he  always  did,  took  it  amiss — and  unreasonably,  I  think — that 
when  we  went  so  high  up  Haverstock  Hill,  and  the  gate  was  a  good 
one  to  turn  in  at,  he  was  never  even  asked  to  send  his  cart,  with  the 
young  man  in  blue,  for  orders.  And  what  made  it  worse  was  that 
Gristles,  his  foreman,  had  set  up  in  business  on  his  own  account  not 
more  than  ten  doors  from  the  "Mather-red-cap"  which  was  all  hi  a 
straight  drive  from  our  place.  So  that  when  he  came,  hat  in  hand, 
and  "solicited  our  custom" — and  old  Grip  knew  him,  and  was  greatly 
pleased  to  see  him — my  mother  and  I  (without  harboring  a  particle 
of  disrespect  towards  Mr.  Chumps)  pledged  our  faith  to  let  him  call 
for  orders. 

There  were  other  reasons  as  well  why  Bill  had  only  made  a  formal 
call  upon  us  since  we  came  away  from  Maiden  Lane.  But  if  I  am 
to  go  through  every  little  in  and  out,  the  course  of  my  narrative  will 
be  as  crooked  as  the  voyage  of  the  pair-oar  tub  when  I  first  held 
rudder-lines  on  the  Isis.  Only  it  is  possible  that  Miss  Windsor 
(now  grown  up  into  a  fine  young  lady)  may  have  had  something  to 
do  with  it ;  not  only  because  of  Bill's  tendency  towards  her,  but 
because  she  happened  to  hear  my  mother  say,  when  his  double-first 
was  announced  to  us,  that  he  might  thank  his  father's  meat  for  it. 
No  one  should  ever  repeat  a  thing  said  without  spite,  yet  growing 
spiteful  by  mere  repetition ;  even  as  transfusions,  harmless  at  first, 
grow  poisonous.  And  I  am  sorry  to  say  that  Miss  Windsor  had  not 
enjoyed,  as  she  should  have  done,  our  going  up  the  Hill. 

This  was  the  thing  that  pleased  me  most  of  all  I  found  at  Oxford, 
that  there  never  was  any  ill-will  among  us,  backbiting  or  scandal 


TOMMY  UPMORE.  129 

about  one  another.  Every  young  man  settled  into  his  own  set, 
whether  by  introduction  or  connection,  taste  or  accident,  or  whatever 
it  might  be.  If  he  took  a  dislike  to  any  one — as  young  men  ignorant 
of  the  world  do  more  than  we  old  stagers — he  could  drop  his  ac- 
quaintance very  easily,  \\ithout  saying  a  word  against  him,  and  no 
resentment  was  shown  or  felt.  The  two  men  happened  not  to  suit 
each  other.  Each  was  likely  to  despise  the  other,  but  not  to  think 
any  further  harm  of  him.  And  when  we  did  take  to  one  another, 
I  assure  you  it  was  something  like.  Among  civilized  people  there 
can  be  no  warmer  heart  of  friendship,  combining  the  weakness  of 
the  school-boy  with  the  set  strength  of  the  man.  And  this  was  how 
I  felt  towards  Green,  who  was  the  first  to  take  me  up,  and  that  is 
how  he  has  felt  towards  me,  even  to  the  time  I  write  these  words; 
and  whatever  I  say  about  him  he  will  think  as  good  as  can  be 
said. 

When  he  took  me  down  to  make  a  coxswain  of  me,  his  good- 
nature and  high  spirits  rendered  my  coaching,  as  he  called  it,  a 
pleasure  and  a  pride  to  me.  He  brought  No.  7,  whose  name  was 
Brown ;  and  after  rigging  me  out  in  a  manner  which  made  me  think 
how  proud  my  mother  would  have  been  to  look  at  me,  they  put  me 
on  the  hindermost  seat  of  what  they  called  a  tub;  but  to  me  it  ap- 
peared a  most  alarming  vessel.  However,  I  felt  no  fear  of  drowning, 
any  more  than  a  cork  does,  and  before  very  long  I  became  quite 
happy.  The  beauty  of  the  river,  and  the  trees  beside  it,  bright  with 
the  April  of  their  hopes,  and  the  meadows  where  the  grass  began  to 
dimple  as  the  light  wind  touched  it,  also  the  skimming  of  the  boats 
around  us  and  the  flashing  of  the  feathered  oar,  together  with  the 
newness  and  the  freedom  of  the  scene,  exalted  my  spirits  to  the  flying 
pitch.  But  never  again  should  I  transcend  the  control  of  this  earth- 
ly mass  t  hrough  joy.  Whenever  the  expansion  of  high  spirits  would 
lift  me  into  the  soaring  vein,  there  comes  the  remembrance  of  what 
I  did  to  my  dear  father,  and  down  goes  all.  Alas!  all  my  rise  into 
the  air  since  then  springs  from  a  darker  and  a  deeper  source,  and  one 
more  active  in  the  present  age — honest  wrath  at  roguery.  But  of 
that  I  knew  nothing  at  Oxford,  and  little  until  I  became,  against  my 
own  desire,  mixed  up  with  political  and  national  affairs. 

AVith  these  heavy  matters  to  carry  through,  I  dare  not  linger,  as  I 
would  love,  among  the  sweet  memories  of  Oxford  life.  With  a  very 
few  lessons  I  learned  enough  to  steer  our  Corpus  eight,  at  practice 
first,  and  then  in  the  momentous  races,  which  be.uan  upon  the  10th 
of  May  that  year.  The  fright  I  was  in  that  first  evening  of  the 
races  was  more  than  I  can  describe,  and  it  makes  me  tremble  now 
to  think  of  it.  But  with  Green  looking  at  me,  as  calm  as  a  statue, 

9 


130  TOMMY  UPMORE. 

and  Brown  behind  him  smiling,  I  gathered  up  my  courage,  and  did 
my  best,  and  we  made  our  bump  below  the  Gut;  and  I  sent  off  a  tel- 
egram to  my  mother,  for  the  wires  were  just  established  then — "We 
have  made  our  bump  " — which  the  people  in  London  turned  into 
something  ludicrous ;  but  she  knew  from  my  letters  what  was  meant. 

I  am  told  that  Oxford  men  are  now  become  addicted  to  total  ab- 
stinence— a  craze  unheard  of  in  my  time,  save  as  a  last  resource  for 
incurables.  And  even  when  we  ran  the  Corpus  flag  to  the  top  of 
the  rope,  as  we  did  very  soon,  and  held  a  great  supper  in  the  cap- 
tain's room  to  celebrate  this  fine  event,  very  few  indeed  of  us  could 
be  fairly  said  to  have  crossed  the  large  boundary  of  temperance. 
Much  of  the  glory  was  ascribed  to  me,  who  had  earned  it  only  by 
inanity,  of  which,  as  a  lofty  merit,  there  were  then  far  fewer  instances 
than  now.  So  often  was  my  bodily  welfare  pledged,  first  in  cham- 
pagne and  then  in  claret,  and  then  in  port-wine,  and  in  rum-punch 
next,  and  finally  in  champagne  again,  that  the  fusion  of  physical 
and  psychical  emotions  plunged  me  at  length  into  the  last  new 
science,  whose  name  is  Hyle-Ideology.  Green  and  Brown  and  the 
rest  of  our  oars  were  forbidden  to  exhibit  mutuality,  lest  the  Corpus 
flag  should  come  down  to-morrow  ;  but  the  rudder  fell  under  no 
such  restrictions;  and  hard  as  I  strove  to  maintain  a  stiff  helm,  it 
was  more  than  any  hand  and  head  could  do.  However,  they  put  me  in 
a  deep  arm-chair,  through  the  back  of  which  they  passed  a  curtain- 
rope.  Then  they  gave  me  a  tassel  in  either  hand,  and  lifting  ship 
and  all  upon  their  heads,  bore  me,  with  a  favorable  breeze,  to  bed, 
while  all  of  us  chanted  a  nautical  song.  I  steered  the  ship  through- 
out her  course  with  gravity  so  accurate,  and  so  discreetly  was  she 
manoeuvred,  that  she  never  once  capsized.  Now  this  will  show 
whether  any  of  us  could  have  had  a  drop  too  much. 

After  this  my  popularity,  not  only  in  the  college,  but  throughout 
the  university,  became  so  vast,  that  the  difficulty  was  to  get  a  bit  of 
victuals  in  my  own  room.  All  my  friends  enjoyed  my  simplicity 
of  mind  and  Maiden  Lane  views  of  the  world,  which  haply  were 
toned  in  those  days  by  the  sky  of  our  works.  Moreover,  they  found 
me  so  glad  to  be  taught,  and  so  grateful  and  unpretending,  that  they 
taught  me  every  kind  of  light  learning  they  knew,  so  that  I  got  on 
•wonderfully  in  every  study,  never  contemplated  by  founders  and 
benefactors. 

Happily  indeed  for  me,  athletic  contests  were  as  yet  most  crude, 
otherwise  my  speed  of  foot  before  the  wind  would  have  hurried  me 
into  a  world  of  troubles.  We  had  a  few  college  races,  and  even 
some  rudiments  of  university  work,  but  as  yet  nothing  powerful 
and  glorious.  How  should  I  have  felt,  after  being  chosen  to  run 


TOMMY  UPMORE.  1C1 

against  Cambridge  for  the  hundred  yards,  the  quarter  of  a  mile,  and 
the  hurdle  race,  if  there  had  been  a  stiff  wind  blowing  in  my  teeth 
>it  the  starting-post?  All  this  would  have  probably  fallen  upon  me 
if  the  athletic  contests  had  then  been  in  vogue;  and  I  might  have 
won  everlasting  fame,  or  base  disgrace  forever. 

As  it  was,  I  believed— though  the  whole  is  now  forgotten— that  I 
had  established  deathless  fame  by  steering  the  Oxford  boat  three 
times  to  victory  over  Cambridge.  It  was  natural,  perhaps,  that  I 
should  be  chosen  for  this  distinguished  honor  as  the  coxswain  of 
the  first  crew  on  the  Isis,  and  nearly  two  stone  lighter  than  any 
other  coxswain  on  the  river,  while  looking  as  big  as  bow  almost, 
and  with  some  crews  bigger.  Yet  from  my  low  self -estimate  I  was 
taken  by  surprise  when  the  captain  of  the  university  boat-club  wrote 
to  me,  and  even  begged  me,  for  the  sake  of  our  university  (which 
had  been  beaten  three  years  running),  to  accept  the  office.  Will  a 
duck  swim?  will  a  dog  bark?  will  a  frog  hop?  will  a  Liberal  run 
away?  Without  a  moment's  thought  I  accepted,  and  thus  began  a 
course  of  triumphs  for  the  richer  color,  which  made  the  very  cab- 
men shy  of  mounting  the  light-blue  rosette. 


CHAPTER  XXII. 

HEREDITARY    LAWS. 

WHAT  man  has  not  described,  or  made  believe  to  be  describing, 
the  race  which  the  journals  delight  to  call  the  "Inter-University 
Contest?"  What  marvel  that  we  have  sold  our  birthright  to  an 
acephalous  mollusk,  when  the  simple  use  of  the  tongue  has  passed 
into  such  headless  mongreldom?  Self-consciousness  compels  such 
mortals  to  befoul  their  origin. 

I,  Tommy  Upmore,  am  not  a  bit  better  than  any  of  my  neighbors 
— not  half  so  good  as  most  of  them — for  I  know  my  own  faults  and 
I  don't  know  theirs,  or,  at  any  rate,  don't  want  to  know  them ;  but 
what  should  I  be  if  I  hearkened  to  a  foe  who  takes  out  of  me  every 
gift  of  God,  and  turns  me  adrift,  to  act  by  nothing  but  the  standard 
apes  have  formed  for  me?  "  Truth  is  great,  and  shall  prevail!"  lie 
shouts,  and  to  show  her  greatness  proves  that  she  never  did 
till  now. 

Happily,  this  stuff  never  troubled  us  while  I  was  at  Oxford.  We 
looked  upon  the  chosen  spirits  of  three  thousand  years  and  more  as 
likelier  to  have  left  things  worthy  of  our  heed  and  sequence  than  the 
half -taught  men  who  spring  up  now  and,  by  dint  of  smashing,  make 


132  TOMMY  UPMORE. 

a  row.  The  pador  and  verecundia  of  youth  were  still  existing,  and 
we  looked  up  to  our  college  tutors  and  university  lecturers — men 
who  had  made  a  life-long  study  of  the  work  they  dealt  with,  who 
attempted  not  to  gloze  our  minds  with  universal  smattering,  but 
forced  us  to  learn  of  some  few  subjects  what  is  knowledge  and 
what  is  not.  And  this  was  the  distinction  Mr.  Cope  had  first  tried 
to  drive  into  me. 

But  no  man  not  di-cephalous — as  some  of  our  ancestors  have  been, 
according  to  the  scientists — can  manage  to  serve  two  masters  well, 
and,  being  thus  apprenticed  to  the  river,  I  neglected  the  Aonian 
heights.  My  mother  believed,  and  Mr.  Cope  assisted  her  in  believ- 
ing, that  I  might  have  done  very  well  in  the  schools,  though  not  so 
grandly  as  Bill  Chumps.  But  I  passed  all  examinations  fairly  with 
my  solid  grounding,  and  in  the  final  one  obtained  what  was  called 
"an  honorary  fourth."  This  satisfied  my  ambition,  though  some 
cuts  at  me  have  been  made  about  it  by  people  who  knew  no  better. 

Grip,  who  had  been  for  so  many  years  my  trustful  and  trustwor- 
thy friend,  and  had  taken  the  warmest  interest  in  my  trencher  cap 
(which  he  cracked  up)  and  leading-strings  (which  he  pulled  off),  was 
immensely  pleased  with  my  bachelor's  gown,  although  himself  a 
Benedict.  Throughout  the  whole  of  my  first  term,  Mr.  Luker,  the 
celebrated  dog-man,  had  kept  his  brain  at  boiling-point  (as  he  con- 
fessed most  frankly  when  I  became  his  admiring  client)  to  make  this 
noble  dog  his  own.  With  the  choicest  liver  he  waylaid  him,  and 
the  sweetest  female  blandishments;  and  Grip,  with  either  dewlap 
laughing,  accepted  all  kind  overtures,  but  enfeoffed  himself  to  none 
of  them.  At  last  a  very  large  sack  was  made  of  tarred  material, 
treble  thick,  and  Grip  (overcome  by  his  love  of  the  beautiful)  was 
inveigled  into  it.  But  no  sooner  did  he  find  his  tail  shut  in,  and 
feel  the  Philistines  on  him,  than  he  rent  their  toils  like  a  bursting 
shell,  and  flew  among  them  like  a  charge  of  grapnel.  Thereupon 
Mr.  Luker  came  to  me,  and  explained  his  disappointment  about  the 
dog,  and  assured  me  that  if  he  could  only  have  got  him  he  might 
have  made  a  hundred  pounds  on  him — to  go  to  Egypt,  and  do  more 
than  England  can,  put  courage  into  the  native  animal.  And  he 
undertook,  if  I  would  come  to  terms,  to  pledge  his  sacred  word  of 
honor  that  "neither  himself  nor  any  other  gentleman,  in  Oxford  or 
in  London,  should  interfere  with  the  honesty  of  the  dog."  Alas, 
poor  dogs,  whose  honesty  depends  upon  that  of  their  master! 

Then  Mr.  Luker  set  before  me,  in  words  whose  eloquence  I  cannot 
reproduce,  the  loss,  not  only  personal  but  national,  not  only  national 
but  universal,  if  Grip  were  allowed  to  depart  this  life  without  issue, 
legitimate  and  guaranteed.  To  him  the  survival  of  the  race  of  Grip 


TOMMY  UPMORE.  133 

was  of  infinitely  greater  moment  than  the  continuation  of  the  blood 
of  Shakespeare  or  Sir  Isaac  Newton.  "  Men  comes,  and  they  goes," 
he  said,  "  and  the  Dooce  himself  couldn't  pick  the  ins  and  the  outs 
of  them.  But  when  it  comes  to  dogs,  you  can  follow  the  breed  as 
true  as  their  own  noses  is." 

So  we  came  to  a  compact  that  he,  understanding  this  elevated  sub- 
ject thoroughly,  should  provide  for  old  Grip  as  meet  a  consort  as 
knowledge  of  the  dog-world  might  produce,  and  that  I  should  have 
the  pick  of  baby  Grips  whenever  I  gave  a  certificate  of  race,  as  soon 
as  each  family  was  two  months  old.  Thus  I  was  enabled  to  fulfil 
old  promises  made  to  sundry  friends,  especially  Sir  Roland  Twenti- 
fold  and  Jack  Windsor;  and  I  always  knew  which  pup  to  choose 
by  following  the  law  of  succession  among  dogs — that  the  father 
growls  most  at  his  noblest  son. 

Perhaps  it  was  good  for  us  both  (for  surely  I  was  idle  enough 
without  him)  that  my  old  friend  Sir  Roland  had  made  up  his  mind 
to  have  nothing  to  do  with  Oxford. 

"When  the  institutions  of  the  country  are  in  danger,"  he  said, 
the  last  time  he  came  home  from  Harrow,  "a  man  in  my  position 
must  not  waste  three  years.  The  very  week  after  I  am  twenty-one 
I  shall  be  returned  for  Twentibury.  Toggins  will  vacate  the  seat  to 
order  ;  I  shall  stick  to  it  till  there  is  a  vacancy  for  the  county,  and 
then  we  put  Toggins  in  again.  Upmore,  it  is  quite  right  that  you 
who  have  never  been  out  of  leading-strings  should  go  into  them  for 
three  years  more,  and  get  among  fellows  who  may  do  you  good. 
But  for  me  it  would  be  folly  to  waste  three  years,  and  know  less  at 
the  end  than  when  I  began.  Why,  at  twenty-one  I  should  be  a 
'Junior  Sophist,'  or  whatever  they  call  a  man  who  has  passed  his 
little-go  ;  and  I  should  have  to  wait  a  great  deal  longer  if  I  meant 
to  equal  Chumps.  I  don't  want  to  equal  Chumps;  he  is  a  wonder- 
ful fellow,  and  I  mean  to  make  him  useful.  But  that  is  not  my 
line  of  life.  I  don't  care  a  penny  for  the  classics,  but  I  care,  every 
penny  I  possess,  for  the  reputation  of  this  country." 

And  when  he  came  to  see  me  at  Oxford  (as  he  did  one  summer 
term)  his  talk  was  chiefly  to  the  same  effect.  "  I  am  afraid  you  are 
a  very  lazy  lot,"  he  said  ;  "you  don't  seem  to  me  to  have  anything 
to  live  for  except  to  play  cricket,  or  pull,  or  smoke,  or  spoon  upon 
girls  in  confectioners' shops  " — this  was  meant  for  me,  who  had  talu  u 
him  to  see  what  lovely  brown  eyes  a  very  nice  girl  had,  at  a  place 
where  we  ate  ices  ;  but  Master  Roland  (clever  as  he  thought  himself) 
little  knew  why  I  admired  those  brown  eyes,  which  I  may  or  may 
not  have  time  to  explain  hereafter — "and  when  you  have  done  all 
that,  and  yawned,  and  perhaps  played  a  horn  out  of  the  window 


134  TOMMY  UPMORE. 

very  badly,  or  cards  yet  worse,  you  can  go  to  bed  as  happy  as  if 
you  had  done  a  great  day's  good.  Pish !  I  am  very  glad  I  never 
joined  you.  I  want  bigger  games  than  yours. " 

This  made  me  feel  unhappy,  as  if  I  were  despised  ;  whereas  the 
wise  men  of  all  ages  have  continually  told  young  men  to  take  their 
enjoyment  while  they  can;  going  far  towards  proving  by  their  own 
words  that  folly  has  more  joy  than  wisdom.  But  Sir  Roland  did 
not  mean  all  this ;  and  I  took  it  for  nothing  but  his  way  of  talking ; 
because  he  would  have  liked  to  be  among  us,  but  saw  that  he  had 
thrown  the  chance  away.  My  idea  of  life  was  to  spend  as  much  of 
it  for  other  people's  benefit  as  they  permit— in  which  matter  they  are 
most  contrary — and  the  rest  for  my  own  good,  with  honest  enjoy- 
ment, and  the  certainty  of  better  things  to  come  if  I  do  not  labor 
chiefly  to  anticipate  them  here.  And  when  I  say  my  own  good,  I 
mean,  of  course,  the  good  of  my  country  and  relatives  and  friends, 
without  which  my  own  could  not  very  well  exist. 

And  after  all,  politics  are  a  very  small  part  of  the  general  life  of 
most  of  us.  Unless  our  character  becomes  involved,  and  our  self- 
respect  grows  downward  (like  a  troublesome  toe-nail  that  affects 
our  walk),  by  reason  of  base  things  done  in  our  name,  against  our 
consent  and  conscience;  and  unless  we  see  things  given  away  which 
our  fathers  gave  their  lives  for;  and  unless  we  are  plagued  by  nurs- 
ery Acts  of  Parliament — very  good  for  the  unbreeched — it  matters 
but  little  to  most  of  us  whether  the  First  Lord  of  the  Treasury  be 
a  Conservative  or  a  Liberal.  With  such  things  I  never  troubled 
my  head,  even  when  I  grew  to  be  a  Bachelor  of  Arts,  until  Sir 
Roland  Twentifold  came  driving  me  about  them,  and  his  strength 
of  will  was  tenfold  mine. 

"  Roly,"  I  said,  when  I  had  kept  my  "master's  term,"  and  enjoyed 
it  rarely  among  old  friends,  without  a  stroke  of  work,  "you  will 
never  get  a  bit  of  good  out  of  me.  I  am  not  eloquent;  I  have  no  gift 
of  speech.  I  tried  it  at  the  Union  once,  and  when  everybody  cried 
out,  '  Bravo,  Tommy !'  I  could  only  laugh  and  thank  them  and  sit 
down.  If  my  father  had  been  a  Rad  when  he  brought  me  up,  as  he 
had  been  in  his  early  days,  no  doubt  I  should  have  been  a  sound  Rad 
too.  And  for  that  matter  so  would  you,  I  do  believe,  if  you  had  been 
brought  up  to  it.  I  know  at  least  a  dozen  very  honorable  Rads, 
some  of  them  very  clever  fellows  too,  who  would  no  more  think  of 
doing  anything  mean,  if  they  had  the  government  of  the  country, 
than  you  would  yourself  if  you  had  it  all  your  own  way.  Then 
why  should  we  cry  out  before  we  are  hurt?" 

"Because  it's  too  late  to  cry  out  when  we  are.  What  you  say  is 
true  enough,  my  good  Tommy.  Those  friends  of  yours  are  all  hon- 


TOMMY  UPMORE.  \  ;J5 

orable  enough  individually,  I  dare  say — though  the  less  you  have  to 
do  with  thriii  the  better — but  when  they  fall  under  the  dominance 
of  party,  what  becomes  of  all  their  scruples?  They  sink  their  own 
•wills,  they  efface  themselves — according  to  the  expression  now  in 
vogue — they  fall  under  one  imperious  mind,  and  no  difference  is  left 
between  black  and  white.  My  father  kept  hounds,  as  you  have 
heard  me  say;  and  when  I  was  a  small  boy  I  rode  my  pony  with 
them.  There  was  one  most  obstinate  old  stager  of  the  pack,  who 
had  a  wonderful  nose  while  he  was  young,  and  had  taken  the  lead 
of  all  of  them.  But  when  he  grew  old  he  went  all  abroad ;  yet  the 
rest  had  to  follow  him  all  the  same,  on  a  false  scent  more  often  than 
a  true  one.  At  his  dictation  all  the  younger  ones,  from  habit,  sunk 
their  own  better  perceptions,  and  loyally  rushed  after  sheep  or  don- 
keys or  anything  he  gave  tongue  to.  But  all  these  things  we  can 
talk  of  better  when  you  come  down,  as  you  must,  next  month.  You 
have  only  been  once  to  us  since  you  lost  your  father,  more  than  five 
years  ago.  And  my  mother  always  says,  when  I  go  home,  'Have 
you  brought  Ariel  with  you,  at  last?' " 

"  How  wonderfully  kind  she  has  always  been  to  me!"  I  answered, 
liking  soft  thoughts  better  than  the  hard  flash  of  politics;  "if  she 
wishes  to  see  me  again,  my  duty  is  to  go  to  her." 

"Well,  that  is  one  way  of  putting  it!  A  painful  duty,  my  dear 
Tommy?  We  will  try  to  make  it  a  pleasant  one.  You  can't  shoot, 
though  people  shoot  at  you  when  you  take  a  flying  fit.  Come  down 
in  July,  and  stay  three  months,  and  I'll  make  you  a  first-rate  shot 
by  the  time  the  partridges  are  ready.  You  learn  everything,  like 
smoke,  you  see.  I'll  back  you  to  beat  Counterpaign  on  the  first, 
though  he  has  been  at  it  all  his  life." 

"You  forget  one  important  point,"  I  answered,  hoping  that  the 
objection  might  not  prove  fatal.  "When  a  gun  goes  off  it  kicks 
very  hard,  they  tell  me  ;  and  it  seems  too  probable  that  it  would 
kick  me  over." 

"  Not  a  bit  of  it,  if  you  lean  forward.  You  are  easy  to  take  up, 
but  you  are  not  at  all  easy  to  put  down,  Master  Tommy.  You  are 
as  quick  as  lightning,  to  begin  with.  Nature  has  provided  you  with 
that,  no  doubt,  to  atone  for  your  want  of  thunder.  Don't  be  always 
running  down  yourself.  There  are  very  few  fellows  who  can  do 
what  you  can,  even  if  you  have  altogether  dropped  your  wings 
through  the  gross  feeding  of  these  Oxford  butteries.  But  I  mean 
you  to  put  on  your  wings  again.  I  have  a  whole  lot  of  things  for 
you  to  do,  and  flying  is  a  most  < •->; -ntial  part.  Professor  Mcgalow 
is  coming  down;  now  that  I  am  of  age,  and  all  that  sort  of  thing,  he 
can  stop  at  the  Towers  as  long  as  he  likes.  I  am  sorry  to  inform 


136  TOMMY  UPMORE. 

you  that  he  is  a  Rad.     But  a  man  of  his  size  may  be  anything  he 
likes,  without  being  any  the  worse  for  it.     I  intend  to  consult  him 
about  you,  Tommy,  how  we  may  launch  you  on  the  clouds  again." 
"I  have  not  seen  him  for  years,"  I  said;  "if  he  is  going  to  be 
there,  'twill  be  enough  to  make  me  fly  again." 


CHAPTER  XXIII. 

A    COUNTY    MEETING. 

How  easy  it  is  for  a  good-natured  man  to  be  taken  for  the  oppo- 
site, and  yet  how  hard  for  ill-natured  people  to  put  on  the  guise  of 
kindness!  Not  that  the  world  is  distinctly  divided  into  those  two 
classes;  for  the  greater  part  of  it  have  mixed  natures,  and  act  by  the 
laws  of  the  mixture. 

There  scarcely  could  be  any  one  with  a  better  nature  than  Sir 
Roland  Twentifold.  He  was  large-hearted,  quick  -  hearted,  soft- 
hearted too  (when  touched  at  the  proper  fibre),  and  yet  any  Radical 
stranger  who  met  him  would  have  thought  him  the  opposite  of  all 
these.  He  had  private  and  personal  motives  (which  he  disdained  to 
speak  of,  as  being  too  small,  yet  perhaps  they  were  the  spring  of 
everything)  for  deeply  disliking  what  he  called  "the  faction  now 
ruining  this  country."  I  never  could  believe  that  any  faction  would 
be  so  factious  as  to  harm  their  country  knowingly  and  of  set  pur- 
pose. Yet  this  he  believed  from  the  bottom  of  his  heart;  and  it 
cannot  be  denied  that  their  words  and  deeds  have  gone  far  to  bear 
out  his  assumptions. 

It  must  have  been  the  third  week  in  July,  and  the  prime  of  a  glo- 
rious summer — such  as  we  never  are  blessed  with  now — when  I  had 
the  happiness  of  visiting  once  more  the  noble  Towers-Twentifold. 
The  woods  and  the  hills  and  the  meadows,  and  even  the  hollow 
places  that  faced  the  north,  had  cast  away  the  shivers,  yet  pre- 
served the  freshness  of  the  cooler  time  of  growth.  Many  of  the 
fields  were  lined,  or  hillocked,  with  the  peaceful  tide  of  hay,  which 
is  late  in  coming  into  harbor  there;  while  upon  the  forward  slopes 
green  corn  was  wavering  into  fluent  pathways  for  the  wandering 
wind.  And  among  all  the  view  of  the  land  flowed  in  that  faint  re- 
flection from  the  distant  sea,  which  looks  as  if  light  threw  a  shadow 
of  itself. 

Blessed  was  this  neighborhood  to  have  no  railway,  out-shrieking 
the  sea-gulls,  out-reeking  the  whale,  and  even  out-roaring  the  sea  in 
a  storm!  The  station  was  so  far  away  that  good  sound  people  let 


TOMMY  UPMOliE.  137 

their  journeys  depend  very  much  upon  the  weather,  which  is  the 
proper  tiling  for  them  to  do.  And  after  the  abominable  rush  of 
London — which  never  should  make  any  fuss  about  smells  that  it 
never  has  time  to  know  the  nature  of — there  came  into  my  heart 
such  a  quietude  of  comfort  that  I  begged  the  groom,  who  was  sent 
to  fetch  me — Sir  Roland  being  absent  at  a  county  meeting — to  drive 
as  slowly  as  the  horse  would  go. 

For  several  years  now  I  had  been  as  happy  as  anybody  ought  to 
wish  to  be.  I  had  plenty  of  money  (through  my  father's  labor  and  my 
mother's  liberality)  to  keep  myself  and  to  help  a  friend,  without  wast- 
ing any  upon  that  third  desirable  object  (in  Solon's  opinion),  the  pun- 
ishment of  an  enemy.  I  was  blessed  with  plenty  of  friends,  but  cursed 
as  yet  with  no  single  enemy;  and  though  many  of  my  friends  were 
poor,  they  had  too  much  pride  to  sponge  on  me  be}rond  the  mere 
fringe  of  a  Turkish  towel.  I  had  liked  a  great  number  of  girls,  here 
and  there,  in  a  strictly  moral  and  movable  way,  so  as  never  to  get 
any  heartache  about  them  any  more  than  they  got  it  about  me.  And 
as  for  Polly  Windsor,  who  had  seemed  to  be  marked  out  by  the 
force  of  circumstances  as  my  bride,  she  had  certainly  shown  herself 
kind  and  obliging  after  we  moved  into  our  new  house,  and  had 
helped  my  dear  mother  to  spend  much  cash  in  adorning  it  with 
hideous  devices. 

But  as  soon  as  Bill  Chumps  came  back  from  Oxford  with  his 
double-first  and  his  six  feet  two,  to  read  for  the  Bar  at  Lincoln's  Inn, 
she  became  too  personal — and  I  might  say  bodily — in  her  sentiments 
to  suit  my  taste. 

"Do  you  mean  to  grow  any  more,  Tommy?"  she  had  asked,  as  if 
love  was  a  question  of  inches  ;  "why,  Mr.  Chumps  must  be  a  foot 
more  than  you  are,  though  you  have  got  your  heels  three  inches 
high." 

"  On  account  of  the  curve  of  my  foot,"  I  answered;  and  she  knew 
what  I  meant,  though  too  delicate  to  say  it,  for  her  feet  were  like  a 
pair  of  soles,  without  any  right  and  left  to  them.  And  this  made  an- 
other little  breach  between  us. 

Moreover,  there  was  now  in  my  mind,  as  there  always  had  been  in- 
dist  met 1  y,  the  remembrance  of  a  pair  of  sweet  brown  eyes  which  used 
to  grow  bright  and  dim  with  mine  in  the  joy  and  grief  of  early  days. 
1  knew,  without,  thinking  about  it,  that  Laura  TVentifold  was  far 
above  me,  far  out  of  sight  beyond  poor  me,  in  birth  and  beauty  and 
goodness.  Also  I  knew  that  she  was  intended  to  marry  her  cousin. 
the  Earl  of  Counterpaign,  for  the  good  of  the  family,  and  of  the  king- 
dom too.  None  the  more  for  that  could  I  help  longing  to  sec  what 
she  was  like,  now  time  was  come  for  her  to  be  quite  a  full-grown 


138  TOMMY  UPMORE. 

young  lady,  with  a  will  of  her  own,  as  I  heartily  hoped,  and  a  kind 
recollection  of  her  old  playfellow.  Since  the  time  of  the  whale  I  had 
never  beheld  her,  except  in  a  great  many  dreams  of  the  night,  be- 
cause she  had  been  sent  from  home  to  learn  foreign  language  and 
every  accomplishment. 

The  dinner-bell  was  ringing  as  we  drove  up  to  the  door,  for  her 
ladyship  held  by  the  good  old  fashions,  and  would  have  no  new- 
fangled gong  in  the  house;  and  I  had  only  a  quarter  of  an  hour  to 
make  ready,  so  that  I  was  not  at  all  done  up  to  my  liking,  failing  to 
find — as  always  happens  in  a  hurry — some  of  the  things  that  were 
most  becoming.  This  flurried  me,  doubtless,  and  heightened  my  col- 
or, so  that  I  blushed  at  my  own  red  cheeks.  But  anything  was  bet- 
ter, as  my  own  sense  told  me,  than  to  keep  ladies  waiting  for  an  un- 
important young  chap  like  me. 

When  I  entered  the  drawing-room,  Lady  Twentif old,  looking  more 
beautiful  and  sweet  than  ever,  came  up  and  took  me  by  both  hands, 
and  with  all  the  friendliness  of  early  days  touched  my  forehead 
with  her  smiling  lips.  At  her  graceful  condescension  tears  gleamed 
in  my  eyes,  and  she  took  them  for  the  thanks  I  could  not  utter. 
Then  Professor  Megalow,  with  his  gentle  stateliness  enhanced  by  the 
silver  now  appearing  in  his  curls,  shook  hands  with  me  cordially,  as 
if  I  had  been  his  equal,  and  said  some  of  the  pleasant  things  which 
were  always  ready  for  his  pleasant  voice.  I  could  not  help  feeling 
ashamed  of  myself,  having  never  done  anything  to  deserve  such 
friends. 

"  We  must  call  him  'Ariel '  no  more,  I  fear,"  Lady  Twentif  old  said 
to  the  professor,  with  a  smile ;  ' '  we  must  get  you  to  invent  a  new 
name  for  him  out  of  the  depths  of  your  palaeontology." 

"I  think  we  must  allow  him  to  name  himself,  as  some  of  my  ani- 
mals have  had  to  do.  What  shall  we  call  you,  my  old  confederate?" 

"Everybody  seems  to  call  me  Tommy,"  I  answered,  finding  this 
the  truth ;  ' '  and  it  sounds  more  natural  than  any  other  name.  One 
of  the  examiners  forgot  himself,  and  called  me  Mr.  Tommy  in  the 
schools,  instead  of  Mr.  Upmore. " 

"  Then  come,  Mr.  Tommy,"  Lady  Twentif  old  replied,  "and  let  me 
show  you  an  old  friend  whom  you  have  not  seen,  I  think  I  may  say, 
ever  since  you  were  my  Ariel.  Laura,  do  you  know  who  this  is  ?" 

The  loveliest  maiden  the  eye  could  light  on,  even  in  a  flight  among 
the  angels,  came  forward  from  the  shelter  of  the  summer  curtains 
and  looked  at  me  with  shy  surprise.  It  was  a  very  short  look,  and 
yet  it  has  lasted  in  my  heart  all  my  life,  and  will  last  there  through 
all  future  life. 

Each  of  us  wanted  to  say  something,  but  neither  knew  exactly 


TOMMY  UPMORE.  139 

what  to  say  ;  so  we  only  shook  hands,  and  waited  for  the  easier 
times  of  talking. 

"  We  never  wait  for  Roland  now,  he  is  so  busy,"  our  hostess  said 
to  the  professor;  "he  has  scarcely  time  to  feel  the  necessity  which 
others  feel  for  nourishment.  When  he  is  an  older  politician  he 
will  not  live  entirely  on  politics." 

"Zeal  is  the  great  point  in  any  pursuit,"  he  answered,  as  she  took 
his  arm;  "  unhappily,  it  cools  too  often  before  it  is  replaced  by  habit. 
But  in  his  case  it  will  not  be  so.  He  has  more  than  zeal — he  has 
constancy." 

"  Sometimes  I  wish  that  he  had  less,"  Lady  Twentifold  answered, 
with  a  little  sigh,  while  her  daughter  came  for  my  timid  guidance; 
"  when  there  are  so  few  of  us  it  seems  hard  that  the  public  should 
claim  so  large  a  part." 

We  dined  in  a  snug  little  room,  and  at  an  oval  table,  I  believe, 
for  our  small  company  would  have  looked  forlorn  in  the  grand  old 
dining-room.  For  my  part,  though  the  professor  talked,  as  he  always 
did,  most  wonderfully,  with  rapid  turns  of  pleasant  thought,  and 
leaving  for  slower  minds  suggestions  to  bear  fruit  at  leisure,  I  re- 
member nothing  but  the  smiles  and  gayety  his  bright  humor  spread. 
The  smiles  especially  I  rejoiced  in — not  my  own,  but  sweeter  ones, 
which  thus  I  had  the  happiness  of  watching,  and  sometimes  of 
sharing  in.  Are  not  all  sweet  smiles  the  offspring  of  a  sweet  re- 
flection, and  therefore  can  they  be  complete  until  themselves  re- 
flected? Beautiful  Laura  at  every  smile  looked  up  for  me  to  share 
in  it,  and  thus  our  eyes  made  bright  acquaintance,  and  our  minds 
went  on  together,  without  any  need  of  words;  and  every  now  and 
then  she  asked  me  some  little  question  about  myself,  which  made 
me  proud  to  be  myself  for  the  sake  of  such  fair  memory. 

Just  when  the  dinner  was  over,  the  youthful  master  of  the  house 
came  in,  and  after  the  proper  apologies  told  us  that  he  had  glorious 
news  that  day.  Toggins,  the  member  for  Twentibury,  had  been 
brought  to  see  the  error  of  his  ways  at  last,  being  led,  however  lame- 
ly, to  wholesome  repentance  by  a  very  serious  attack  of  gout.  His 
iirst  righteous  act  had  been  to  sit  up  in  bed  and  sign  an  undertaking 
to  apply  for  the  Chiltern  Hundreds  at  once,  so  that  the  writ  miirht 
be  issued  before  the  Prorogation,  in  August.  According  to  Sir  Ro- 
land, he  ought  to  have  made  that  application  a  year  ago  and  more, 
in  fact,  upon  the  very  day  when  the  heir  became  of  age.  But  Mrs. 
Toggins,  who  had  a  good  deal  of  money,  liked  the  M.P.  behind  his 
name,  and  urged  him  to  forego  the  only  honorable  course.  What 
can  be  done  with  a  warming-pan  that  slips  out  of  its  handle? 

"  Here  it  is,  mother !    He  can  never  get  out  of  that,"  my  dear 


140  TOMMY  UPMORE. 

friend  shouted,  as  he  cast  an  unfolded  letter  among  the  glasses;  "I 
got  hold  of  his  doctor,  and  his  parson  too.  Could  his  colchicum 
work  when  his  conscience  would  not  ?  And  between  us  we  beat 
the  old  lady  altogether;  and  she  now  declares  that  it  is  all  her  do- 
ing. Ah,  that's  what  I  call  a  county  meeting.  Something  like 
'organization'  there!  He  began  to  get  better  with  alarming  rapid- 
ity as  soon  as  the  weight  was  off  his  mind,  and  I  promised  him  the 
best  glass  of  port  he  ever  tasted  if  he  would  dine"  here  on  the  day  of 
my  return.  Then  I  thought  it  safer  to  set  off  with  this.  I  have  had 
my  dinner;  let  me  drink  his  good  health." 

Professor  Megalow  was  delighted  with  all  this  young  enthusiasm, 
for  anything  natural  always  pleased  him,  whether  it  were  Radical  or 
Tory ;  and  Sir  Roland's  sister,  who  loved  him  dearly,  got  up  and 
embraced  and  kissed  him.  But  his  mother  tried  vainly  to  look  glad, 
and  said  the  very  things  she  thought  and  felt,  according  to  her  lov- 
ing and  simple  nature. 

"  I  am  trying  to  be  glad  for  your  sake,  Roly,  because  you  have  so 
long  wished  for  this.  And  no  doubt  it  is  right  that  a  gentleman 
should  keep  his  promise,  as  he  has  done  at  last.  I  suppose  that  the 
country  has  a  claim  upon  you,  as  you  say,  and  feel  so  deeply ;  at 
the  same  time,  I  think  it  might  have  left  you  to  me  for  a  few  more 
years  at  least.  There  is  nothing  particularly  bad  going  on  just  now 
that  I  am  aware  of,  and  even  Mr.  Panclast  seems  to  promise  a  great 
deal  more  mischief  than  he  carries  out.  If  there  were  any  great 
national  disgrace  for  you  to  stop  I  would  gladly  spare  you,  even  if 
I  had  to  sit  up  all  night ;  but  when  there  is  nothing — not  even  for 
a  man  to  marry  his  sister — why  should  you  work  so?" 

"Because,"  said  Sir  Roland,  "  it  is  too  late  to  begin  when  a  thing 
is  over.  The  most  reckless  lot  that  ever  held  the  reins,  or  flung 
them  on  the  horse's  back  and  lashed  him,  are  now  in  power — and 
what  sort  of  power  ?  The  power  to  go  at  a  furious  pace,  without 
caring  how  many  people  they  drive  over,  or  what  neck  they  break, 
except  their  own.  No  power  to  stop  and  consider  their  course,  or 
regard  the  ancient  landmarks,  and  no  care  how  they  smash  up  a  fine 
old  coach,  not  a  stick  of  which  belongs  to  them.  Professor  Megalow, 
I  beg  your  pardon.  I  forget  things  when  I  get  excited." 

"That  is  better  than  remembering  them,"  the  professor  replied, 
with  a  courteous  bow;  "we  have  never  had  a  great  legislator  who 
did  not  begin  with  strong  prepossessions." 

This,  and  the  sense  of  his  own  mistake,  brought  the  young  host 
to  his  manners  again.  The  ladies  departed  gracefully,  and  we  had 
no  more  politics,  but  a  great  deal  of  far  more  interesting  things,  in- 
cluding some  soft  sweet  songs  from  Laura,  until  my  friend  took 


TOMMY  UPMORK  141 

me  to  smoke  a  pipe  with  him  in  his  own  little  room  before  going 
to  bed. 

"Now  we  can  say  what  we  please,"  he  began,  after  giving  me  his 
own  pet  meerschaum,  which  he  had  begun  in  strict  confidence  at 
Harrow.  "What  strange  things  we  do  come  across!  How  can 
such  a  great  man  as  the  professor  ever  have  become  a  Liberal?  I 
shall  spare  some  of  them  for  his  sake,  while  I  slash  at  the  party  in 
general.  To  my  mind  it  seems  almost  to  prove  that  some  of  them 
must  have  high  principles,  though  they  keep  them  out  of  their  per- 
formances. No,  thank  you;  no  cigars  for  me!  A  pipe  soothes  me, 
a  cigar  only  irritates.  I  like  to  seethe  fruit  of  my  own  works,  not 
to  cast  away  the  stump  when  done  with.  And  now,  my  dear  Tom- 
my, the  next  job  is  to  bring  you  in  for  North  Larkmount.  Lark- 
mount  is  a  fine  constituency,  consisting  of  honest  freemen,  or  at 
they  always  turn  the  poll.  But  we  can't  get  you  in  just  at 
present,  I'm  afraid.  However,  that  won't  matter  much.  I  shall  not 
say  a  word  this  session,  but  see  how  they  do  things  and  get  accli- 
matized." 

"But  I  don't  want  to  get  in  at  all,"  I  said;  "  or  at  any  rate  not  for 
a  long  time  yet.  I  would  rather  enjoy  myself  for  a  year  or  two, 
and  be  an  M.A.  before  being  M.P." 

"Not  so.  You  must  buckle  to  at  once.  I  have  arranged  it  all 
with  the  greatest  care.  Not  another  session  must  be  lost  before  I 
have  you  and  Chumps  to  back  me.  The  enemy  have  several  evil 
works  on  hand,  and  they  will  invent  a  lot  more  in  the  holidays.  I 
shall  have  in  Chumps  for  his  great  abilities,  and  you,  beloved  Tom- 
my, for  your  flying  powers." 

"I  do  not  like  that  way  of  putting  it  at  all,"  I  replied,  with  my 
usual  frankness.  "I  cannot  fly  now  any  more  than  you  can.  And 
if  I  could  they  would  not  let  me  in  the  House  of  Commons." 

"That  shows  how  much  you  know  about  it.  If  you  had  been  up 
in  the  gallery,  as  I  have,  to  see  what  they  were  at,  night  after  night, 
you  would  know  that  they  were  as  larky  as  a  lot  of  school-boys.  I 
got  Professor  Megalow  down  here,  as  he  thinks,  because  of  the  pel- 
vis (or  whatever  he  calls  it)  of  a  mighty  dragon  in  the  cliff  at  Happy- 
stowe.  But  really  and  truly,  my  dear  friend,  that  he  might  put  you 
on  your  wings  again,  or  else  show  me  the  proper  way  to  do  it." 

"Then  you  have  behaved  very  badly,"  I  exclaimed,  "and  not 
like  a  friend,  but  a  selfish  politician." 


142  TOMMY  UPMORE. 


CHAPTER  XXIV. 

OLD  BONES  AND  YOUNG  ONES. 

So  much  was  I  vexed  at  this  idea — that  Sir  Eoland  Towers-Twen- 
tifold  valued  me  only  as  a  flying  puppet,  a  machine  to  be  started 
from  a  spiral  spring,  or  a  little  1t>oy's  colored  balloon — that  I  assure 
you,  although  I  was  on  a  bed  soft  as  a  dew-cloud — for  we  did  not 
lie  upon  cast-iron  yet — scarcely  a  wink  of  sleep  came  near  me  with- 
out being  scattered  into  a  fire- wheel  of  dreams.  If  it  appeared  to 
me  a  small  thing — as  it  did  in  modest  moments — that  I  should  be 
brought  from  London,  like  a  tailor  to  take  orders,  or  a  fellow  to 
exhibit  Punch  and  Judy,  yet  how  could  I  reconcile  it  with  the  fit- 
ness of  things,  that  Professor  Megalow  should  be  tempted,  with  the 
very  biggest  dragon  for  his  bait,  to  come  down  upon  the  really  ig- 
noble errand  of  flipping  me  up,  like  a  pith-ball  of  elder,  between  the 
plates  positive  and  negative. 

At  first  I  thought  of  consulting  him  as  to  what  I  should  do  in  the 
morning,  for  who  else  could  advise  me  so  kindly  or  so  well  ?  But 
I  saw  that  his  counsel  was  not  to  be  had  without  a  disclosure  of 
everything,  and  I  had  no  right  to  tell  him  of  his  own  "mission" 
here.  So  that,  on  the  whole,  I  was  compelled  to  act  (as  I  nearly  al- 
ways find  to  be  the  case  with  me)  by  the  dim  light  only  of  my  own 
perceptions.  "I  have  no  right  to  make  any  scene,"  I  thought; 
"neither  is  it  possible  for  me  to  leave  abruptly  without  giving  rea- 
son ;  Lady  Twentifold  has  been  most  wonderfully  kind  to  me  ever 
since  she  first  saw  me,  and  she  can  have  no  paltry  political  motive, 
such  as  this  one-idea'd  Roland  has.  And  then  there  is  beautiful 
Laura,  sweet  Laura — I  suppose  I  ought  to  call  her  Miss  Twentifold, 
but  consider  the  years  I  have  known  her — there  never  has  been  any- 
body like  her  since  the  days  of  Paradise,  and  how  dreadfully  rude 
I  should  appear  to  her.  Of  course,  I  must  never  think  of  her  at  all, 
any  more  than  I  might  of  the  pole-star.  Still,  I  should  like  her  to 
think  of  me,  if  she  ever  deigns  to  do  it,  with  all  kindness  and  good- 
will. Ah,  ha !  Lack  is  the  luck  !  I  am  a  most  unhappy  fellow. 
My  mother  said  once  that  I  had  no  right  to  be  born,  and  who 
should  know  so  well  as  she?" 

But  before  I  had  quite  finished  "doing  my  hair,"  as  the  ladies 
express  it,  and  mine  very  often  took  almost  as  long  as  a  lady's  to 


TOMMY  UPMORE.  143 

do,  because  of  there  being  so  much  of  it,  Sir  Roland  came  thumping 
my  dressing-room  door,  and  with  his  usual  impetuosity  rushed  in. 

"Tommy,  shake  hands  like  a  man!"  he  exclaimed,  "or  I'll  pull 
all  your  hair  out  of  trim  again.  You  cut  up  as  rough  as  a  clinker 
last  night ;  the  first  time  I  ever  saw  you  out  of  temper.  However, 
:i  IK  w  hope  sprang  up  in  my  breast.  Do  you  know  what  you  did 
as  you  went  along  the  passage  ?" 

"No.  I  remember  nothing,  except  that  I  said  to  myself,  'I  am 
not  a  machine,  and  I  won't  be  treated  as  a  machine.  If  he  only 
wants  me  as  a  Jack-in-the-box — ' " 

"  A  Tommy  in  the  box,  you  mean.  No,  no.  You  must  lay  aside 
all  those  small  ideas.  It  is  not  I  that  want  you,  it  is  your  country, 
your  noble,  but  outraged  fatherland.  Those  are  the  sentiments  that 
should  exalt  you,  instead  of  petty  wrath  against  your  ancient  friend. 
But  I  see  a  new  provision  in  the  laws  of  gravitation,  which  Panclast 
will  bring  in  a  bill  to  abolish  before  we  are  very  much  older.  In 
your  anger  you  tried  to  stride  loftily,  as  behooves  the  most  illustrious 
of  all  coxswains;  but  instead  of  so  doing  you  never  touched  the 
ground.  You  flitted  with  a  lofty  air,  like  the  ghost  of  Achilles  at 
the  great  deeds  of  his  son." 

"Well,  I  thought  there  was  something  unusual  about  it,"  I  an- 
swered, without  any  heroism;  "but  my  mind  was  so  occupied  with 
its  wrongs  that  I  never  noticed  how  I  walked." 

"That  is  another  most  excellent  sign — temporary  absence  of  per- 
ception. The  main  point  will  be  to  enlarge  the  indignation,  to  en- 
noble it,  to  make  it  national,  instead  of  individual.  Your  course  of 
reading  at  Oxford— even  though  you  read  nothing  there  at  all  ex- 
cept novels — has  produced  in  your  system  a  fundamental  change. 
In  your  early  days  exhilaration  carried  you  over  the  heads  of  the 
public.  You  have  seen  too  much  of  the  world  by  this  time  to  be 
exhilarated  any  more.  Joy  can  no  more  elevate  you,  and  nature 
(rejoicing  as  she  does  in  exceptions)  has  found  a  fresh  way  to  keep 
you  in  the  list.  But  a  perilous  turn  of  the  balance  for  you,  I  am 
sadly  afraid,  dear  Tommy.  Joy  is  not  frequent,  even  in  the  days 
of  boyhood.  But  indignation — oh,  Tommy,  Tommy,  what  a  lot  of 
Irad  pipe  you  must  carry  round  you,  if  you  once  become  liable  to 
leave  the  earth  every  time  you  see  wrong  being  done  upon  it  !" 

"Clear  out,"  said  I;  "I  want  to  finish  dressing,  and  not  to  be 
plagued  with  immoral  reflections.  If  you  want  to  spare  me  all  that 
lead  pipe,  regulate  your  own  conduct  first  by  the  lofty  standard  you 
want  to  bring  me  up  to.  That  little  business  about  Toggins,  for  in- 
stance, might  force  me  to  put  on  a  pound  or  two,  though  a  lily-white 
act  in  comparison  with  the  things  you  do  at  election-time.'' 


144  TOMMY  UrMORE. 

To  enter  into  that  matter  did  not  suit  him  while  in  his  present 
fine  vein  of  morality,  so  that  he  only  made  a  face — being  still  a  boy, 
as  much  as  I  was — then  he  pulled  in  his  tongue,  and  tapped  his  lips, 
and  said, 

"Not  a  word  about  that  to  the  professor,  mind.  I  have  boasted 
to  him  about  the  purity  of  everything,  and  he  has  promised  to  come 
and  be  gratified.  And  gratified  he  shall  be  by  everything  that  is 
noble.  Now  look  alive!  I  shall  have  a  busy  day  to-day.  I  mean 
to  go  canvassing,  though  of  course  I  need  not  do  it.  But  I  am  sure 
that  the  women  would  be  angry  if  I  didn't ;  and  with  this  clash  of 
changes  coming,  it  is  not  only  wise,  but  necessary,  to  keep  them  on 
our  side,  as  they  are  by  nature.  If  nothing  else  showed  the  Con- 
servative cause  to  be  the  true  one,  it  would  be  enough  that  the  wom- 
en always  take  to  it." 

With  this,  which  moved  me  a  great  deal  more  than  the  rest  of  his 
arguments  put  together,  he  set  off  to  shave  himself,  which  he  in- 
sisted upon  doing  now  and  then,  with  a  competent  eye  to  the  future. 
And  no  sooner  was  he  gone  than  I  set  to  to  get  everything  about 
me  into  the  proper  place,  that  I  might  not  be  taken  at  breakfast- 
time  for  a  young  man  at  all  of  a  Radical  turn. 

This  made  me  late,  though  I  had  got  up  very  early — earlier  than 
any  other  of  the  party,  except  Professor  Megalow;  and  when  I  came 
in  he  was  describing,  with  his  usual  clearness  and  quietness,  the 
object  of  his  labors. 

"It  is  still  in  situ  in  the  composite  bed,  none  of  which  is  of  hard 
material ;  and  indeed  it  would  be  easier  to  extricate  it  perfect  if  the 
matrix  were  more  consistent.  We  shall  want  a  very  careful  hand 
to-day,  and,  at  the  same  time,  light  feet  under  it.  Unhappily,  I  am 
a  little  above  the  proper  scientific  stature ;  neither  can  I  any  longer 
claim  the  flexibility  of  my  earlier  days.  Unless  I  can  secure  a  very 
able  coadjutor,  such  as  I  once  had  the  good-luck  to  obtain,  there 
will  be  great  risk  of  injuring  one  of  the  finest  specimens  of  the  noble 
Deino-Saurians  I  have  ever  had  the  fortune  to  behold.  Let  me  try 
to  describe  to  you  the  exact  position,  which  makes  the  extraction 
so  difficult." 

This  he  did  so  well  that  I  could  see  the  place,  though  without  any 
idea  of  the  treasure  it  contained.  He  asked  if  he  might  take  some 
dry  toast,  and  with  it  built  up  a  rough  resemblance  of  the  cliff  and 
excavation ;  then  he  lodged  in  the  back  of  the  hole  three  joints  of  a 
prawn,  to  represent  the  relics  of  the  monster,  and  shored  up  the 
crumbling  of  the  toast  with  a  stump  of  lead-pencil  and  some  sprigs 
of  parsley. 

"  The  position  is  rather  precarious,  you  perceive,"  he  said  to  Lady 


TOMMY  UPMORE.  145 

Twcntifold  and  her  daughter,  who  watched  his  frail  structure  with 
great  interest;  "and  of  the  people  you  sent  most  kindly  to  help  me 
rday  morning,  intelligent  as  they  were,  and  very  obliging,  there 
is  not  one  who  goes  into  this  bower  without  some  trembling  and  a 
superstitious  awe.  They  are  not  so  much  afraid  of  the  cliff  falling 
on  them,  as  of  the  outrage  they  fancy  they  are  doing  to  some  un- 
known gigantic  power.  '  Could  he  eat  me,  sir,  if  he  come  to  life 
a<rnin  v'  the  bravest  and  biggest  of  them  asked  me:  one  of  your  un- 
derkeepers,  I  believe.  '  Certainly  he  could,  if  he  were  carnivorous,' 
1  was  obliired  to  answer;  and  that  last  word  frightened  them  beyond 
all  former  fear.  Now,  I  could  extract  this  grand  relic  by  myself, 
for  I  am  not  beneath  average  human  strength  if  I  ventured  to  make 
more  headway;  but  you  see  that  in  brittle  material  such  as  this,  I 
am  afraid  that  the  whole  might  fall  suddenly,  and  perhaps  destroy 
the  beauty  of  the  specimen.  And  even  without  that  I  want  an- 
other hand  most  sadly;  it  need  not  be  a  very  strong  one,  for  I  would 
hear  the  weight  of  this,  the  heavier  end,  but  it  must  be  a  hand  that 
does  not  shake,  as  I  am  sure  the  bold  game-keeper's  would. " 

"  Why,  I  will  come  and  help  you  with  the  greatest  pleasure!"  cx- 
elaimed  Sir  Roland,  "and  obey  every  whisper.  My  canvass  at 
Twentibury  will  do  to-morrow.  This  is  of  infinitely  more  impor- 
tance." 

"It  is  most  kind  of  an  eager  politican, "  the  prof essor  answered, 
w  it  li  a  grateful  smile, ' '  to  show  such  preference  for  the  by-gone  world. 
But  alas,  my  dear  friend,  you  are  much  too  tall.  There  is  no  room 
for  you  at  that  end  of  the  cave." 

"Then,  Professor  Megalow,  may  I  go  with  you  ?"  Miss  Twenti- 
fold  asked,  \vitli  her  lovely  eyes  sparkling.  "  I  am  not  very  strong, 
but  my  hand  is  steady,  and  I  should  enjoy  it  so.  Dear  mother,  say 
that  I  may  go  and  help.  I  would  put  on  my  shrimping-dress  and  a 
thick  cloak." 

I  could  not  help  looking  at  her  with  alarm,  while  I  did  not 
like  to  outbid  her  for  her  wish.     Lady  Twentifold  glanced  at  her 
with  pride,  but  serious  misgivings  about  the  risk,  and  the  professor 
firmly  answered  "No!" 

lieing  thus  relieved,  I  was  only  too  glad  to  offer  my  sen  i 
which  were  at  once  accepted. 

"Tommy  is  the  lad  cut  out  by  nature  for  this  very  operation," 
the  professor  said  kindly,  as  he  took  my  hand,  which  was  hardened 
by  long  use  of  the  rudder-lines;  "he  is  a  model  of  strength,  so  far 
as  light  weight  permits,  and  his  lightness  of  touch  has  long  been 
proved.  If  I  had  my  pick  of  the  young  men  of  England  for  a  job 
like  this  I  should  choose  our  Tommy." 

10 


146  TOMMY  UPMORE. 

"But  I  may  come  and  see  it,  without  being  in  the  way.  I  am  sure 
mamma  will  let  me  do  that,"  cried  Laura,  "  and  the  professor  cannot 
be  hard-hearted  if  he  tries.  And  I  particularly  want  to  go  to  Hap- 
py sto  we  to-day." 

"If  you  will  be  burdened  with  her  she  may  go,"  Lady  Twenti- 
fold  said  to  her  visitor;  "  and  I  should  like  to  join  you  in  the  after- 
noon, or  meet  you  perhaps  upon  your  way  back,  for  I  must  be  at 
home  till  two  o'clock." 

Things  were  soon  ready,  and  we  three  set  off  in  a  light  wagonette 
for  Happystowe;  and,  but  for  one  thing,  it  would  have  been  hard  to 
say  which  of  the  three  was  the  happiest.  The  professor,  with  his 
bag  of  sacred  tools,  was  glowing  with  the  prospect  of  a  mighty  prize 
in  his  special  field  of  glory,  and  the  tangible  proof  of  his  own  induc- 
tions, published  in  a  treatise  ten  years  ago.  His  fair  companion  was 
beaming  with  the  brightness  of  her  own  youth  and  beauty,  and  the 
joy  of  the  air,  and  of  a  day  among  the  rocks,  with  her  sketch-block 
and  her  shrimping  -  net.  But  I,  by  reason  of  that  one  thing,  was 
happier  than  three  times  three,  or  nine  times  nine,  of  all  their  hap- 
piness. A  fig  for  the  science  and  the  old  dry  bones,  the  traces  of 
the  lubbers  that  deformed  the  earth — for  they  were  too  big  only  to 
disfigure  it — till  beauty  was  created,  to  make  them  die  of  shame. 
And  a  fig  even  for  the  blue  sky  and  gray  sea  and  brown  rocks 
standing  up  to  be  painted,  if  only  I  might  watch  Laura's  face — 
without  any  token  of  doing  so — catch  the  glint  of  a  smile  that  be- 
gan far  away,  and  sometimes  receive  to  the  home  of  my  heart  a  gaze 
of  good-will  all  intended  for  me. 

I  would  gladly  have  dwelt  in  that  happy  wagonette  till  all  the  old 
dragons  came  to  look  for  their  bones,  with  Laura  sitting  by  my  side, 
and  laughing,  and  often  saying  very  simple  things,  and  the  profess- 
or opposite,  to  balance  us,  enjoying  (as  he  always  did)  the  company 
of  the  young,  and  nodding  in  his  humorous  way  for  me  to  explain 
to  this  young  lady  some  of  his  less  recondite  terms,  as  if  I  were  an 
acolyte,  at  least,  of  science.  He  did  it  on  purpose,  I  am  very  well 
assured,  because  he  perceived  the  condition  of  my  heart,  and  de- 
sired to  promote  it  by  the  action  of  the  mind.  Being  steadfastly 
Liberal,  and  taking  a  very  large  view  of  genealogy,  he  discovered 
no  unfitness  of  things  whatever  in  my  tendency  to  a  deep  tenderness 
towards  a  member  of  the  race  so  far  above  me. 

But  that  most  delicious  drive  was  gone  in  no  time,  as  everything 
delicious  is.  We  put  up,  of  course,  at  the  "Twentifold  Arms," 
where  several  of  the  maids  remembered  me,  and  Mrs.  Roaker  was 
most  generous.  And  it  seemed  to  me  one  of  the  most  delightful 
traits  in  the  character  of  Professor  Megalow  that  he  should  be  so 


TOMMY  UPMORE.  147 

wholly  wrapped  up  in  his  tools  as  to  make  it  my  duty  to  hand 
Mi-s  Twentifold  down  the  three  steps  of  that  fortunate  carriage. 
She  never  said  "Oh  no,  thank  you,  I  have  my  bag  to  hold,  and  I 
can  get  down  very  well,"  as  girls  do  generally,  whom  it  is  a  very 
small  privilege  to  help  down;  but  she  gave  me  her  beautiful  hand, 
with  her  beautiful  foot  on  the  step,  and  her  beautiful  eyes  for  a  mo- 
ment met  mine;  so  that,  altogether,  I  was  quite  overpowered  with 
the  sense  of  beauty  and — which  is  yet  greater  in  the  end — of  good- 
ness. 

The  professor's  face  wore  a  truly  scientific  air,  as  he  noticed  these 
things,  for  nothing  ever  really  escaped  him,  and  he  rubbed  his  nose 
gently  as  he  gazed  at  the  far  offing,  as  if  he  had  descried  there  a 
palaeozoic  ship. 


CHAPTER  XXV. 

ON     THE    ROCKS. 

FEW  and  far  apart  the  days  are,  such  as  came  out  of  the  heaven 
just  then,  when  the  stoutest  Briton  and  his  wife  can  find  no  hole 
ready-made,  or  to  be  well  picked,  in  the  weather.  And  what  is  the 
good  of  the  finest  weather  to  him  if  he  employs  it  in  picking  holes 
in  his  friends  or  his  enemies,  or  even  in  himself?  But  any  one  who 
large  ways  and  thoughts,  or  even  little  ways,  when  they  are 
good-natured,  might  have  looked  with  true  pleasure  at  the  professor 
for  the  first,  and  at  Laura  and  me  for  the  latter,  enjoyment. 

Professor  Megalow  heartily  enjoyed  the  company  of  young  peo- 
ple and  old  hats,  and  to-day  he  had  put  his  great  head  into  a  hat, 
with  very  good  reason  to  assign  for  it,  of  fine  archoeological  interest. 
And  even  if  things  had  been  as  adverse  with  me  as  they  were  for 
the  momtnt  prosperous,  no  moderate  misery  could  have  held  its  own 
against  the  influx  of  his  geniality.  He  marched  on  before  us  to  the 
a  of  his  hopes  with  a  long  forked  tool  upon  his  shoulder,  and 
a  bug  of  learned  organs  in  the  other  hand,  and  he  never  turned 
round  unless  we  called  upon  him,  which  proved  the  perfection  of 
scientific  insight. 

"Oh,  how  I  should  like  to  be  like  him!"  said  Laura;  "but  I 
never  can  carry  a  long  name  long.  I  learn  to  pronounce  them  ami 
to  try  to  know  their  meaning,  and  then  the  next  day  I  am  as  wi>«- 
as  ever.  Nearly  all  the  young  ladies  now  are  so  scientific.  As  one 
of  the  books  says,  it  is  such  a  manifold  addition  to  their  inter- 

"Not  to  the  interest  felt  in  them,"  I  answered,  though  afraid  of 
my  own  words.  "It  makes  them  so  conceited,  and  so  full  of  their 


148  TOMMY  UPMORE. 

own  ideas.  And  they  talk  as  if  they  knew  everything,  with  the 
little  bits  they  pick  up  from  books.  That  is  not  the  way  great 
men  get  on.  They  get  on  by  their  own  observations  and  experi- 
ments, and  by  putting  this  and  that  together,  and  so  they  make 
great  discoveries.  And  when  they  have  done  it  they  are  always 
humble,  because  of  the  quantity  they  can't  find  out.  Look  at  our 
dear  friend  there!  Does  he  ever  pretend  to  know  anything  at  all? 
Does  he  ever  lay  down  the  law  about  anything?  Even  upon  sub- 
jects he  understands  more  thoroughly  than  any  other  man  yet  born, 
he  speaks  (when  he  does  speak  at  all)  with  more  doubt  and  diffidence 
and  humility  than  a  school-girl  does  who  knows  nothing  about  it, 
except  from  one  of  his  own  books.  The  smaller  the  mind,  the  more 
positive  it  is." 

"Then  ladies  ought  to  be  very  positive — at  least  I  mean  most  of 
them,  like  me.  But  how  slowly  we  are  walking!  The  professor 
will  think  that  we  have  no  zeal  for  his  bones  at  all,  whereas  I 
fully  mean  to  go  in  and  help." 

"  I  hope  you  won't  think  of  doing  that,"  I  answered,  as  we  turned 
the  corner  and  could  see  the  excavation;  "unluckily,  you  were  not 
intrusted  to  me,  or  I  should  forbid  it  most  decidedly.  It  looks 
rather  dangerous,  and  is  sure  to  be  very  dirty,  and  what  good  can 
you  do  in  there?" 

"What  good  can  I  do  anywhere,  if  it  comes  to  that?  I  came  here 
to  see  everything,  and  I  mean  to  do  it,  unless  the  professor  forbids 
it,  and  he  would  not  have  let  me  come  if  he  intended  that.  Let  us 
go  and  ask  him.  No,  he  is  too  busy." 

His  attention  was  wholly  engaged,  as  we  saw,  and  he  was  speak- 
ing earnestly  to  the  man  who  had  been  left  in  charge  of  the  place 
last  evening. 

"  You  see  no  difference,"  he  said;  "I  do,  and  a  very  considerable 
difference,  Barnes.  There  has  been  no  rain  in  the  night,  and  no 
ground-swell  to  create  any  vibration.  Your  shores  are  all  standing, 
it  is  true,  but  not  quite  as  they  stood  yesterday.  "We  must  have 
three  hours  more  of  work  in  there  before  I  have  exhausted  the  situs, 
and  I  would  not  allow  any  man  to  come  in  with  me  now.  Tommy, 
keep  away,  and  take  Miss  Twentifold.  I  shall  have  to  collect  all  my 
forces  and  shore  up  afresh  before  I  dare  use  a  tool.  The  cliff  is 
quite  low,  but  too  high  to  be  safe,  and  there  is  a  public  foot-path 
along  the  top.  The  tide  is  going  out;  in  half  an  hour  you  might 
get  some  good  shrimping  round  the  point,  ^fllow  me  to  commend 
that  pursuit  to  you  for  the  next  two  or  three  hours." 

"You  are  going  in  and  out  yourself,"  I  said,  though  I  took  good 
care  to  lead  Miss  Twentifold  away,  "  as  if  there  were  no  sign  of  dan- 


TOMMY  UPMORE.  149 

gcr  whatever.  But  if  we  should  do  more  harm  than  good,  the  best 
plan  would  be  to  go  shrimping,  as  you  say.  But  how  shall  we 
know,  sir,  when  you  are  ready  for  us — or  at  least  for  me,  of  course, 
I  mean  ?  Lady  Twentifold  will  be  down,  perhaps,  about  three 
o'clock." 

"When  all  is  made  safe,  and  I  want  your  good  hand,"  the  pro- 
fessor answered,  with  a  look  at  me  and  a  wave  of  his  faithful  old 
hat  to  the  lady  (which  said — for  all  his  hats  said  something — "I  like 
you  very  much,  but  I  don't  want  you  now  "),  "  you  will  see,  my  dear 
friends,  this  conspicuous  example  of  the  industry  of  the  Orient  wav- 
ing on  this  pole." 

He  pulled  from  his  hat  a  large,  yellow  silk  handkerchief  spotted 
with  white,  and  shook  it  at  us,  as  a  flag-signal  to  be  off. 

"Now,  what  shall  we  do?  Shall  we  obey  orders,  or  is  there  any- 
thing you  would  like  better?  Perhaps  you  are  afraid  of  the  rocks 
and  the  sea-weed,  and  the  way  the  waves  come  running  up  the  hol- 
low places." 

I  said  this  on  purpose  to  stimulate  her,  perceiving  the  very  fine 
spirit  she  had,  which  the  color  in  her  cheeks  was  enough  to  prove. 
All  I  was  afraid  of  was  that  she  might  doubt  the  propriety  of  going 
round  the  point  with  me. 

But  she  was  too  simple  and  good  to  do  that.  She  thought  not  of 
harm  any  more  than  she  had  done  it,  and  the  only  expression  in  her 
eyes  was  pleasure. 

"Where  have  you  put  the  nets?"  she  asked;  "you  shall  have 
Holy's,  and  I  will  have  my  own." 

Now,  if  there  had  been  in  my  nature  yet  any  lingering  of  the  old 
tendency  to  rise  into  the  air  through  exultation,  could  anything  have 
balked  it  of  its  operation  now?  Within  a  mere  mile  of  the  spot,  still 
shown  as  the  scene  of  my  early  exploit,  with  the  weather  set  fair 
and  the  wind  the  right  way,  and  with  beaut^at  my  side,  a  million- 
fold  more  enchanting  than  any  first  view  of  the  sen,  what  was  the 
ni  that  I  did  not  fly? 

Let  Professor  Brachipod  explain  that  if  he  can,  and  there  is  noth- 
ing that  he  will  not  explain  most  ably,  whether  he  is  able  or  wh<  ;  IK  r 
he  is  not.  Some  great  change  had  "permeated  my  organization" 
— as  they  call  it,  as  if  I  were  full  of  pipes — which  made  me  cleave 
rather  to  the  earth  (in  periods  of  exuberant  happiness)  than  soar  to 
the  sky  to  complete  it  there.  Perhaps  when  I  grow  old  I  shall  be- 
come less  earthy,  auft  again  seek  my  happiness  by  going  upward  : 
but  nothing  now  sets  me  on  the  springs  of  my  sy>tem  except  the 
most  expansive  and  elevating  indignation. 

And  to  put  aside  that,  and  all  questions  whatever  of  the  reasons 


150  TOMMY  UPMORE. 

for  this  or  the  reasons  against  that,  would  manners  (any  more  than 
common-sense  and  sound  judgment)  have  allowed  me  to  fly  away 
from  lovely  Laura?  So  long  as  I  had  her  at  my  side,  what  else  in 
the  earth  or  the  air  or  the  sky  could  I  desire? 

No  one  has  noticed,  to  the  best  of  my  knowledge,  what  a  comfort 
there  is  in  the  pattering  of  feet  when  they  keep  time  and  answer  well 
to  one  another.  Not  as  a  single  pair,  I  mean,  each  coming  after  the 
other  with  a  gap,  but  as  a  pair  of  a  pair-going  feet,  toe  and  heel  exactly 
to  one  another,  with  no  more  space  crosswise  between  them  than  the 
other  foot  requires  to  come  up  and  fill  the  gap.  And  when  this  is 
done  upon  a  firm,  gray  sand,  with  just  enough  spring  to  make  it  beau- 
tiful to  walk,  and  just  enough  yield  to  take  a  light  impression,  how 
can  the  most  scientific  human  body,  with  a  fair  human  body  at  the 
side  of  it,  continue  to  lament  that  it  is  not  quadruped? 

When  we  came  to  the  rocks  it  was  even  better.  For  here  there 
was  such  a  fine,  slippery  spread  of  the  carpet  of  the  sea,  and  so  many 
green  fringes,  covering  traps  where  a  little  foot  might  sink,  and  per- 
haps get  sprained,  or,  at  any  rate,  get  soaked,  that  at  every  few  yards 
there  was  need  of  a  hand,  or  sometimes  of  two,  for  discretion  of 
step.  And  at  every  such  aid  there  was  a  smile  to  pay,  not  to  men- 
tion the  downcast  of  eyes  sometimes,  and  sometimes  their  uplifting 
with  a  soft,  sweet  light,  and  the  fluttering  of  lashes  in  the  fresh  wind 
from  the  sea,  and  the  murmuring  of  lips  more  pink  and  melodious 
than  any  clear  Pacific  shell.  And  when  the  brisk  freedom  of  the 
salt  air  shed  the  dark  clusters  of  her  hair  upon  her  face  and  neck, 
veiling  the  gentle  blush  and  the  shy  damask,  my  very  best  manners 
and  most  deep  responsibility  struggled  in  vain  to  prevent  me  from 
saying,  "You  are  the  very  image  of  a  beautiful  moss-rose." 

She  was  not  at  all  offended,  but  looked  calmly  at  me,  and  an- 
swered, to  my  horror,  "  What  a  beautiful  idea!  I  shall  tell  mamma 
that  you  said  that." 

"Oh,  please  don't  do  anything  of  the  sort,"  I  exclaimed;  "she 
would  be  sure — or  at  least  she  might — I  cannot  exactly  make  you 
understand !  But  she  might  not  be  altogether  pleased,  you  know. " 

"  Well,  I  don't  see  why.  She  is  very  fond  of  poetry.  But  if  she 
would  not  like  it,  you  should  not  have  said  it.  But  don't  be  so  dis- 
tressed. I  will  promise  not  to  tell  her,  because  I  am  sure  that  you 
meant  no  harm.  Oh,  here  is  my  first  shrimping-pool !" 

"I  will  sooner  bite  my  tongue  out,"  thought  I  to  myself,  as  in 
humble  confusion  I  unbound  the  nets,  "than  utter 'another  syllable 
of  admiration.  What  a  fool  I  am!  But  who  could  help  it?" 

This  put  me  on  my  very  best  behavior  for  a  while ;  and  even  when 
she  slipped  upon  an  oozy  slab,  and  nearly  fell  into  a  pool  a  foot  deep, 


TOMMY  UPMORE.  151 

I  did  not  bold  her  up  any  more  than  I  could  help.  And  after  that, 
being  under  orders  not  to  use  my  net  (which  I  began  with  upside 
down)  until  I  knew  something  about  it,  but  rather  to  watch  how  she 
managed,  and  to  learn  to  do  the  like,  not  an  inch  of  advantage  did 
I  try  to  take,  but  with  scrupulous  honor  held  my  net  betwixt  us, 
and  smiled  as  if  my  face  were  as  stiff  as  were  my  hands. 

"  I  am  afraid  you  don't  enjoy  this  work,"  she  said. 

"  I  am  afraid  of  enjoying  it  too  much,"  said  I. 

And  that  made  her  laugh,  for  she  had  not  the  least  idea  of  the 
darkness  of  my  meaning. 

"Now,  you  may  fish  upon  your  own  account,"  she  told  me;  "you 
see  how  you  must  draw  the  net  along  beneath  the  ledges,  with  the 
hinder  part  of  the  rim  kept  higher,  to  brush  the  rock  so  that  they 
can't  get  back  over  it,  and  go  well  in,  under  all  the  fringes  of  the 
woods,  and  then  up  with  the  other  rim,  and  fetch  it  out  briskly. 
Now,  you  fish  a  little,  while  I  look  on  and  applaud  you,  if  honesty 
and  facts  permit.  You  shall  have  this  large  pool  all  to  yourself,  and 
it  is  the  best  among  all  the  rocks;  and  you  can  manage  Roly's  net, 
which  is  half  again  the  size  of  mine,  you  see.  Now  I  particularly 
want  two  dozen  prawns,  and  they  are  not  at  all  plentiful  on  this 
coast.  I  have  only  got  seven  yet,  with  all  these  shrimps.  But  ev- 
erybody says  that  you  are  so  lucky;  and  I  shall  believe  it,  if  you 
catch  one  prawn ;  they  are  much  quicker  to  get  away  than  shrimps, 
and  so  it  requires  more  skill  to  catch  them.  Well,  I  declare !  You 
have  got  at  Ica.^t  a  dozen.  I  never  saw  so  many  in  one  haul  before. 
Let  me  take  them  out,  or  they  will  be  sure  to  jump  away  from  you. 
Oh,  what  a  very  spiteful  creature !" 

A  very  large  prawn,  with  no  sense  of  the  beautiful— at  least  as 
existing  in  the  race  that  boils  him— had  rasped  her  most  exquisite 
forefinger  (which  looked  in  the  water  as  pellucid  as  himself)  with 
the  vile,  long  crook-saw  which  he  carried  on  his  head.  And  what 
made  it  the  more  meritorious  on  her  part,  she  held  fast  to  him  still, 
and  dropped  him  into  the  bag. 

"  How  wonderfully  brave  you  are!"  I  cried;  "it  is  bleeding  two 
or  throe  large  drops.  Put  it  into  your  mouth  and  suck  out  the  poi- 
son. Oh,  how  I  should  like  to  do  it  for  you!  Don't  be  so  intrepid! 
You  never  can  tell.  He  may  have  been  living  with  a  water  snake. 
I  could  tell  you  such  stories,  if  it  would  stop  bleeding.  Let  me  tear 
up  my  handkerchief  and  bind  it!" 

"  No,  it  is  nothing  at  all;  and  if  they  wore  poisonous,  how  should 
we  eat  them?  I  split  a  piece  of  pop-weed  and  put  it  on  like  a  thim- 
ble, and  that  stops  the  blooding  immediately.  It  is  not  the  first  time 
they  have  given  me  a  rasp.  My  dear  mother  likes  me  to  wear 


152  TOMMY  UPMORE. 

gloves  whenever  I  go  shrimping,  but  I  always  pull  them  off.  I 
like  to  feel  things  with  my  own  hands.  There,  what  a  fuss  about 
nothing!  Now  go  on.  How  wonderfully  fortune  favors  you!  I 
have  heard  it  so  often,  and  now  I  can  see  it.  Try  that  corner,  there 
is  always  something  there.  Holy  caught  a  fine  silver  mullet  there 
last  summer,  and  I  caught  a  little  fish  we  didn't  know  the  name  of." 

"Let  me  try  to  smile  nicely,"  I  said  to  myself;  "I  always  get 
the  best  luck  when  I  smile.  Cause  and  effect  are  always  hugging 
one  another.  To  doubt  one's  luck  is  to  doubt  it  nearly  always.  I 
want  to  impress  her  with  my  good  -  luck,  for  what  impression  is 
more  favorable?  Faint  heart  never  won  fairy  prawns.  That  cor- 
ner looks  full  of  miraculous  draught. " 

"  Oh,  please  to  let  go — let  go,  Miss  Twentifold!  He  may  pull  me 
in,  but  he  mustn't  pull  in  you." 

For  seeing  me  engaged  with  a  mighty  adversary,  my  lovely  com- 
panion rushed  forward,  and  put  fair  hands  on  the  pole  of  the  net, 
because  my  light  figure  was  thrown  off  its  balance  by  an  unexpect- 
ed weight  and  force. 

"Whatever  it  is,  you  shall  have  all  the  glory,"  she  answered,  as 
she  obeyed  me ;  ' '  only  I  was  afraid  you  were  tumbling  in. " 

"  So  I  will,  if  it  is  needful.  I  don't  mean  to  let  him  go!"  I  ex- 
claimed, as  I  set  my  heels  firmly  in  a  ledge.  "Here  he  comes! 
What  in  the  world  have  we  caught?" 

"A  giant  of  a  lobster — a  perfect  giant!"  She  was  clapping  her 
hands  with  delight  as  she  said  it.  ' '  Oh,  I  never  beheld  such  a  mon- 
ster in  my  life !  And  there  never  was  any  one  with  luck  like  yours. 
There,  anybody  else  would  have  lost  him  but  you." 

"I  don't  mean  to  lose  him,  if  he  murders  me!"  I  shouted,  as  I 
swung  him  out  mightily  and  laid  hold  of  him;  "  oh,  he  has  laid  hold 
of  me  in  the  most  inhuman  manner!  AVhatevcr  shall  I  do  to  get 
out  of  his  clutches  ?" 

For  this  trenchant  radical  had  nipped  me  by  the  wrist  with  one 
mighty  claw,  and  was  clutching  about  with  the  other,  to  embrace  me 
somewhere  else. 

"Oh,  Tommy,  take  care  of  your  nose!"  she  cried,  forgetting  all 
formality  in  fright;  "  oh,  what  will  your  mother  say  if  you  lose  your 
nose !  I  know  an  old  sailor  who  has  got  the  mark  now.  There,  that 
claw  is  harmless,  at  any  rate.  Now  let  us  consider  about  the  other. " 

She  had  cleverly  pushed  a  large  stone  between  his  unoccupied 
nippers;  but  the  villain  lay  stubbornly  on  his  back  in  a  great  tussock 
of  weeds,  spreading  his  long  whiskers  and  dappled  joints,  and  lash- 
ing about  the  blue  fans  of  his  tail,  and  exerting  all  the  leverage  of 
his  body  to  drive  his  toothed  fangs  through  my  poor  wrist ;  and  if 


TOMMY  UPMORE.  153 

any  one  else  had  been  there  but  Laura,  I  should  have  roared  with  the 
violence  of  pain. 

' '  Oh,  I  am  so  sorry !  Oh,  how  very  dreadful !  I  would  not  have 
had  it  happen  for  all  the  lobsters  in  the  world."  As  she  spoke  she 
knelt  by  me,  and  her  cheek  touched  mine,  and  a  shower  of  her  hair 
came  streaming  down,  so  that  I  could  put  my  lips  to  it. 

"Let  him  pinch  away  as  hard  as  he  pleases!"  I  exclaimed;  "he'll 
be  tired  before  I  am  of  this  position." 

However,  it  was  impossible  not  to  feel  that  the  position  would  be 
better  without  its  drawbacks.  Even  love's  young  dream  may  be 
sweeter  without  nightmare,  and  painful  is  the  bravest  smile  of  pain. 
With  a  quick  thought  she  ran  for  the  handle  of  her  net,  and,  slip- 
ping it  out  of  the  socket,  entered  the  taper  end  in  at  the  heel  of  the 
claw,  and  with  the  aid  of  my  other  hand  unlocked  my  homy  hand- 
cuff. 


CHAPTER  XXVI. 

BENEATH     THEM. 

"  Now  let  us  go  back  as  fast  as  we  can,"  she  said,  when  she  had 
wrapped  up  my  wrist  very  softly  with  her  muslin  handkerchief, 
which  I  took  care  never  to  restore  to  her;  "the  tide  is  coming  in, 
and  if  it  gets  to  the  point  before  us  we  shall  have  to  go  a  mile  in- 
land. And,  I  declare,  we  have  forgotten  all  about  the  professor's 
signal,  which  may  have  been  waving  for  an  hour!  And  perhaps  my 
d.  :ir  mother  may  be  waiting  for  us.  But  this  unequalled  lobster 
will  account  for  all  delay.  How  quiet  he  is  since  we  tied  his  claws! 
I  ought  to  beg  your  pardon  for  the  liberty  I  took  in  calling  you 
'Tommy;'  but  I  was  in  a  fright,  and  it  sounds  so  very  natural,  be- 
cause of  the  professor,  and  mamma  is  almost  as  bad  as  he  is." 

"  I  will  only  ask  you  one  thing."  was  my  answer:  "try  to  be  as 
bad,  or  as  good,  in  that  way.     Call  me  'Tommy'  every  time  you 
speak.     Why,  don't  you  remember  when  I  put  a  new  leg  to  your 
doll?     And  you  gave  me  such  a  kiss  that  I  have  thought  of  ii 
since.     And  you  said.  '  You  are  to  call  me  Lo,  remember.     All  the 
people  I  like  best  are  to  call  me  Lo.     And  I  think  I  like  you  best  of 
almost  everybody  in  the  world.'    But  of  course  you  have  forir 
all  that  now." 

"  What  extraordinary  creatures  children  arc!"  she  exclaimed,  as 
if  she  were  the  mother  of  the  "Lo;"  and  then  she  came  nearer  to 
me.  and  said,  "  I  remember  that  you  were  a  great  favorite  of  mine, 


154  TOMMY  UPMORE. 

and  I  don't  like  you  not  to  call  me  anything.  But  look,  there  goes 
the  great  handkerchief!" 

"  You  shall  not  get  out  of  it  like  that,"  I  answered,  with  a  little 
groan,  as  if  iny  wrist  were  in  great  pain,  for  fear  of  any  wrath  on  her 
part.  "  People  should  always  understand  each  other,  and  how  can 
they  do  that  without  any  names?  You  should  call  me  'Tommy' 
upon  all  occasions,  because  I  am  Tommy,  and  nothing  else ;  and  even 
the  examiners  call  me  '  Tommy, 'because  of  my  steering  the  eight 
so  much.  But  it  never  would  do  for  me  to  call  you  '  Laura, '  except 
when  we  are  quite  by  ourselves,  you  know,  or  with  only  the  profess- 
or, who  never  would  tell,  and  I  don't  suppose  he  would  ever  notice 
it.  In  general  society  I  must  call  you  'Miss  Twentifold;'  but  in 
particular  cases,  now  and  then,  I  should  be  veiy  much  obliged  in- 
deed if  I  might,  just  to  keep  up  the  practice,  as  one  might  express 
it,  call  you  only  'Laura.'  " 

I  would  gladly  have  put  something  else  before  ' '  Laura, "  but  I 
thought  this  was  far  enough  to  go  just  yet,  and  it  would  make  it  all 
the  nicer  that  her  mother  should  not  know  it. 

"  Tommy,"  she  replied,  with  as  clear  an  intonation  of  my  friendly 
and  genial,  but  not  romantic  name,  as  I  ever  yet  was  accosted  with, 
"I  shall  leave  it  entirely  to  your  own  discretion  to  call  me  what  you 
like,  and  when  you  like.  And  I  see  no  possibility  of  harm  in  my 
calling  you  what  all  the  examiners  at  Oxford  do.  They  gave  you 
the  most  honorable  class  of  all,  I  hear,  because  you  never  asked  for 
it.  The  bishop  says  that  you  might  have  beaten  Mr.  Chumps." 

This  must  have  been  an  error  on  the  bishop's  part,  or  hers,  because 
there  was  no  way  to  beat  a  double-first  then,  though  now  a  man  may 
go  into  perhaps  five-and-twenty  firsts.  But  I  did  not  attempt  to  con- 
tradict her  after  all  her  kindness. 

"I  hope  you  have  never  seen  Mr.  Chumps,"  I  said,  purposely 
making  him  as  formal  as  I  could;  for  I  knew  that  if  Bill  Chumps 
came  down  here  for  canvassing  purposes,  or  anything  else,  he  would 
be  sure  to  get  elected  far  in  front  of  me. 

"Oh  yes,  I  have,"  she  said,  "a  very  tall  gentleman,  taller  than 
Professor  Megalow  or  Holy,  but  not  to  be  compared  with  them  in 
any  other  way.  He  has  very  red  cheeks,  and  rather  high  cheek- 
bones, according  to  my  recollection." 

"And  a  nose  that  sticks  up  a  good  deal, "I  replied.  "Did  you 
understand  when  he  came  down  that  his  father  carries  on  the  busi- 
ness still?  Not  that  it  matters,  as  we  all  think  now,  from  by  any 
means  a  lofty  point  of  view." 

"  It  never  came  into  my  mind  to  ask  " — and  herein  her  simplicity 
put  me  down — "anything  at  all  about  his  father.  Why  should  I? 


TOMMY  UPMORE.  155 

Roly  brought  him,  as  he  brings  anybody  who  can  be  of  use  to  him 
in  politics.  It  is  not  my  place  to  have  anything  to  say  to  them,  ex- 
cept what  is  expected  from  the  people  of  the  house.  And  I  believe 
he  saved  the  life  of  my  first  cousin,  Lord  Countcrpaign ;  and  that 
alone  would  make  him  no  stranger  here.  But  look !  If  it  were  pos- 
sible for  the  professor  to  be  in  a  hurry  he  would  be  so  now.  We 
have  been  a  long  time,  and  I  am  afraid  he  will  be  angry.  Let  us 
put  on  steam,  as  Roly  says." 

I  wanted  no  steam  put  on  at  present,  but  found  no  fair  means  of 
preventing  it;  and  a  few  quick  steps  brought  us  up  to  the  pebble 
bank,  under  the  cliff  of  the  sacred  relics. 

"Aha!"  the  professor  cried,  coming  down  to  meet  us,  "no  won- 
der I  have  waved  my  bandana  in  vain.  What  a  magnificent  speci- 
men! And  the  beauty  of  it  is,  that  he  is  good  to  eat ;  which,  alas, 
was  more  than  I  could  say  for  my  specimen  in  there,  when  the  lady 
superior  of  all  the  fish-women  of  Happystowe  asked  me  just  now 
how  I  meant  to  cook  my  bones.  She  has  marched  away  in  sadness 
at  my  dreadful  waste  of  tiirie.  However,  at  last  all  is  perfectly 
ready,  and  I  would  have  gone  to  work  without  you  except  for  the 
dread  of  your  reproaches.  We  have  made  all  the  front  quite  safe, 
and  the  fissure  at  the  back  is  not  extending.  The  light  is  good  still, 
but  we  have  no  time  to  lose." 

"And  my  mother,"  asked  Laura,  "has  she  not  come  yet?  She 
was  to  have  been  here  an  hour  ago.  She  will  be  sorry  to  see  noth- 
ing of  the  work!" 

"  She  has  sent  down  a  groom  with  a  kind  little  note,  to  say  that 
she  cannot  come  till  five  o'clock,  and  begging  me  on  no  account  to 
wait  for  her.  I  would  gladly  have  put  it  off  until  to-morrow,  but 
any  change  of  weather  might  be  fatal,  or  even  a  ground-swell  with 
this  spring-tide,  of  which  there  are  some  signs  already.  This  rock 
is  not  like  the  hard  sandstone  farther  north,  or  even  firm  chalk,  but 
a  brittle  conglomerate.  We  are  not  our  own  masters;  we  must  set 
to  v.ork  at  once.  Tommy,  I  will  not  keep  you  long  inside,  and 
Miss  Twentifold  should  stand  behind  this  high-water  mark." 

He  took  off  his  hat,  and  laid  it  down  upon  the  shingle;  and  then 
with  a  short  tool  of  steel  in  one  hand  (something  like  what  the  po- 
lice call  a  "jimmy,"  but  forked  at  one  end  and  gouge-shaped  at  the 
other),  and  a  square  of  soft  felt  in  his  left  hand,  he  went  into  the 
cave,  or  rather  excavation,  and  I  (with  my  hat  off)  followed  him. 
There  was  plenty  of  light  when  the  eyes  got  used  to  it,  and  I  saw 
that  the  roof  was  established  with  short  slabs  of  wood,  supported 
by  timber  props. 

"Why,  there  can  be  no  danger  whatever,"  I  said,  almost  with 


156  TOMMY  UP  MORE. 

some  disappointment;  "it  is  as  safe  as  the  dome  of  St.  Paul's,  I  am 
sure.  Of  course  you  know  best,  sir ;  but  I  should  have  gone  straight 
at  it.  Can  you  spare  me  a  tool  to  work  with?" 

"No,"  he  replied,  "you  must  use  no  tool,  but  only  follow  my 
directions.  Why,  what  is  the  matter  with  your  wrist — the  right 
one?" 

"Nothing  but  a  trifle  of  a  pinch,"  I  said;  "  I  can  use  it  as  well 
as  ever,  I  assure  you." 

"Very  well;  then  watch  me,  but  don't  speak  loud.  There  is  no 
danger  now,  as  you  truly  observe,  or  else  I  would  have  kept  you 
outside,  my  Tommy.  But  you  see  that  to  secure  our  object  with- 
out fracture  I  have  yet  to  dig  out  a  good  bit  of  the  shale,  for  it 
scarcely  deserves  to  be  called  rock.  And  when  that  is  done  there 
may  be  some  little  risk,  because  we  cannot  get  any  shores  behind  it. 
From  what  you  have  seen  with  me,  you  know  at  once  that  the  ob- 
ject before  us  is  no  pelvis,  as  Sir  Roland  insists  upon  calling  it.  All 
that  part  was  easily  secured;  but  I  saw  indications  of  continuance, 
and,  following  them  up,  discovered  these,  which  are  very  grand  joints 
of  the  vertebra.  The  weight  will  be  very  considerable,  and  we  must 
try  to  preserve  the  articulations,  which  might  be  injured  if  we  got 
it  out  piecemeal.  All  you  have  to  do  is  to  support  the  lower  end 
without  jerking  it,  lest  it  should  drop  from  the  jarring,  while  I  re- 
lease the  upper  part.  Then,  with  a  good  heft,  out  we  get  it,  with 
this  felt  under  it  to  prevent  abrasion.  Barnes  keeps  his  eyes  on  the 
cliff  outside,  and  will  call  us  at  once  if  the  crack  grows  larger.  Ah ! 
you  fit  exactly,  as  I  said  you  would;  with  your  foot  in  that  nick, 
what  can  be  better?" 

Without  a  word  I  watched  his  skilful  work,  as  he  followed  with 
his  tool  every  curve  of  nature's  bold  carving,  now  brought  out  into 
high  relief,  until  he  had  the  other  part  (bedded  obliquely  into  the 
rock  wall)  almost  as  free  as  mine  was.  Then  he  inserted  one  side 
of  the  felt  under  the  mighty  backbones  of  the  monster,  and  saying, 
"  Now  both  hands,  my  clever  Tommy!"  with  the  leverage  of  a  big- 
ger tool,  which  he  caught  up  from  the  floor,  gradually  brought  out 
the  reluctant  mass. 

When  the  whole  of  it  lay  on  the  edge  of  the  niche  (which  he  had 
lengthened  to  allow  for  the  jut),  and  was  ready  to  come  out,  being 
all  detached,  he  passed  a  piece  of  rope  along  it  upon  either  side,  tak- 
ing advantage  of  the  knuckles  of  the  bones  (such  as  I  have  often 
sucked  in  ox-tail  soup),  and  making  fast  at  either  end  to  hold  it  al- 
together. Then  he  rubbed  his  nose,  and  looked  at  me  with  a  very 
sweet  chuckle,  and  I  feared  that  he  would  knock  his  bare  head 
against  the  roof;  for  he  had  scarcely  had  a  chance  of  standing  up- 


TOMMY  UPMORE.  157 

right  all  the  time,  except  just  where  there  was  a  sort  of  pudding- 
hole  among  the  shale  stuff. 

"Shall  we  call  in  Barnes?"  he  asked;  "I  am  afraid  his  hands 
would  shake.  It  looks  like  a  Death's  head  and  cross-bones  com- 
bined, in  its  present  most  tantalizing  attitude.  I  thought  I  heard 
a  crack.  My  young  friend,  listen.  Run  you  outside  and  recon- 
noitre ;  it  is  impossible  for  me,  under  any  circumstances,  to  abandon 
these  bones  of  rapture  now.  Impamdum  ferient  ruince.  But  I  beg 
you  to  try  a  little  alibi.  Go  out  and  see  how  things  look;  and  if  all 
rone  return  and  help  me." 

"No,  sir, "I  answered;  "if  there  was  a  crack,  no  doubt  it  was 
Barnes  cracking  nuts  outside.  He  fills  his  pockets  with  Brazilian 
nuts,  fit  only  for  a  blacksmith.  If  you  are  ready,  sir,  so  am  I. 
Why,  it  is  not  half  so  big  as  I  am." 

"It  weighs,  Tommy,  at  least  five  times  your  weight.  We  will 
put  up  this  plank  and  slide  it  down.  Here  it  comes  gently!  What, 
you  here,  Laura!  You  see  if  I  don't  tell  your  ma — as  the  children 
say  to  one  another.  Let  it  drop,  Tommy — let  it  drop  if  it  hurts 
you." 

For,  whether  from  sudden  alarm  about  Laura,  or  the  damage 
done  to  my  own  wrist,  my  end  of  the  mass  slipped  away  from  me 
and  turned, and  the  three-inch  plank  we  were  guiding  it  down  flew 
up,  as  if  struck  by  a  cannon-ball,  and,  just  missing  my  head,  knocked 
away  the  main  bearers  of  the  roof  above  us.  I  saw  a  great  mass 
coming  down  upon  Laura,  and,  before  I  could  think  I  had  her  in 
my  arms  and  under  me;  then  a  roar  and  a  flash  of  light,  and  black 
darkness  came,  and  the  last  sense  of  spreading  arms  over  her. 

When  I  came  to  know  what  I  was  about  again,  lo,  there  I  was, 
lying  in  a  bed  of  sea -weed,  with  my  head  supported  by  a  soft, 
smooth  arm,  coming  under  the  curls  at  the  back  of  my  neck,  and 
my  breast  laid  bare  to  the  wind  of  the  sea,  and  a  great  deal  of  water 
gone  into  it.  Moreover,  I  seemed  to  be  dirty  all  over,  as  if  I  had 
been  rolled  along  a  knife-board,  and  a  quantity  of  grime  was  in  my 
mouth,  so  that  I  could  hardly  speak  for  grit. 

"I  don't  seem  to  know  where  I  am,"  I  gasped. 

"Never  mind  about  that  till  by-and-by,"a  soft  voice  whispered 
into  my  ear,  and  soft  lips  felt  nice  and  warm  upon  my  check.  "  Are 
you  better,  oh,  darling  Tommy — are  you  better?" 

"I  should  be  if  I  could  blow  my  nose,"  I  said;  "  there  is  nothing 
the  matter  with  me  except  that.     But  what  is  all  this  roaring  r. 
if  you  please?    Is  it  coming  down  acrain?    If  it  does  I  am  done 
for." 

"No,  dear!    There  is  nothing  coming  down  at  all  except  the 


158  TOMMY  UPMORE. 

waves  of  the  sea!  There  is  a  heavy  ground-swell.  But  none  of  it 
can  come  near  you,  dear  Tommy." 

"The  professor  said  there  would  be  a  ground-swell,"  I  answered, 
with  some  nerve  of  memory  touched.  "There  seems  to  be  noth- 
ing that  he  does  not  know." 

"He  seems  not  to  have  known  everything  this  time.  Did  he 
know  that  the  rock  would  come  down  upon  Laura,  and  must  have 
killed  her  but  for  you?" 

"The  rock  come  down?  Oh,  I  remember  now.  Something 
came  down.  But  it  was  all  my  fault.  And  perhaps  I  have  killed 
her.  Oh,  please  to  let  me  die  if  I  have  killed  beautiful  Laura!" 

"Hush!  You  are  not  to  excite  yourself.  You  have  not  killed 
Laura;  you  have  saved  her  life.  She  is  not  hurt  at  all,  or  at  least 
very  little;  not  a  quarter  so  much  as  you  are,  my  poor  darling. 
Here,  you  are  to  take  this  as  soon  as  you  can  swallow." 

She  put  some  vessel  to  my  lips,  and  I  saw  large  dark  eyes,  and  a 
trembling  smile,  and  fair  cheeks  flowing  with  a  flood  of  tears. 
Then  I  swallowed  something  warm,  and  said,  "Oh,  you  must  be 
Laura!" 

"  No,  I  am  not.  I  am  Laura's  mother — your  dear  lady,  as  you 
used  to  call  me!  Now  rest  a  few  minutes  and  you  will  be  better. 
You  must  not  try  to  get  up  by  yourself,  nor  even  with  my  help,  till 
the  professor  has  examined  you.  He  is  up  at  the  inn  with  darling 
Laura,  who  cannot  be  induced  to  go  home  until  she  hears  that  you 
are  well  enough  to  come  with  us.  I  sent  a  boy  for  him  the  moment 
you  revived.  Here  he  comes.  He  will  soon  tell  us  all  about  you. 
Don't  be  afraid:  you  are  a  hero,  not  a  goose." 

I  felt  more  like  a  goose,  and  one  going  to  be  cooked,  when  my 
learned  patron,  after  some  kind  words,  began  to  make  search  for  my 
injuries.  By  calling  he  was  a  physician  ;  and  if  he  had  only  stuck 
to  art  and  discarded  science,  made  the  most  of  his  talents  and  the 
least  of  his  genius,  and  preferred  the  twinkles  to  the  broad  light  of 
knowledge,  doubtless  he  would  have  been  making  his  twenty  thou- 
sand a  year,  with  a  baronetcy,  and  the  fame  that  breathes  its  last  with 
its  owner  ;  and  the  laying  of  his  fingers  on  my  poor  body  would 
have  cost  fifty  guineas,  instead  of  nothing  but  some  groans. 

"The  more  he  groans,  the  better  I  am  pleased  with  him, "he  ob- 
served, with  the  spirit  of  the  true  philosopher  ;  "it  proves  that  his 
sufferings  are  capable  of  expression,  and  that  he  has  power  to  put 
them  into  form.  The  greater  the  damage  to  his  outward  husk — for 
he  could  not  expect  to  come  off  unhurt — the  smaller  the  injury  to 
the  kernel  of  this  Tommy.  His  bones  are  as  sound  as  my  Deino- 
Saurian's,  which  rolled  on  my  feet,  and  most  happily  inflicted  with- 


TOMMY  UP  MO  RE.  159 

out  receiving  injury.  There,  now,  my  dear  friend,  did  you  feel 
that  ?" 

"  I  should  rather  think  that  I  did,"  groaned  I ;  "  oh,  it  was  dread- 
ful !  It  was  as  bad  as  the  way  the  four  professors  poked  at  me.  I 
hope  you  won't  have  to  do  that  again,  sir." 

"No,  I  think  not, "he  replied,  in  a  tone  which  would  have  been 
blessed  if  less  dubious  ;  ' '  the  fact  of  his  perceiving  my  light  touch 
there  convinces  me,  Lady  Twentifold — so  far  as  we  may  trust  obser- 
vations, which  we  have  not  verified — that  he  has  taken  no  internal 
harm  in  the  part  that  was  most  exposed  to  it.  The  brattice  came 
(U)wn  and  protected  his  head — being  clear  of  the  fall  myself,  I  could 
see  the  beginning  of  the  accident  at  that  end.  The  main  weight  fell 
upon  his  back  just  here — you  told  me  that  you  wished  to  have  every- 
thing stated  as  plainly  as  I  could  state  it,  otherwise  I  would  not 
give  you  these  details — and  when  we  dug  him  out,  the  main  weight 
was  there  still.  I  rejoice  to  assure  you  that  he  will  be  none  the 
worse,  after  a  week  or  two  of  good  nursing.  Any  frame  of  stiff  con- 
struction would  probably  have  been  broken  ;  but  our  dear  young 
friend,  this  heroic  youth  Tommy,  has  a  frame  of  unusual  elasticity, 
partaking  rather  of  the  pterotic  character,  and  his  internal  organs 
are  adapted  to  it.  But  I  would  not  advise  that  he  should  walk  as 
yet,  or  attempt  any  movement  not  absolutely  needful.  We  will 
send  for  the  cushions  of  your  carriage  if  you  please,  and  lay  them 
on  these  planks,  and  our  Tommy  on  the  top  ;  and  then,  with  the 
strong  arms  of  Barnes  and  my  own,  we  will  take  our  young  hero  to 
the  wagonette.  You  may  thank  him  for  the  safety  of  your  dear 
child.  I  was  too  far  away  to  be  of  any  use.  You  will  candidly  ac- 
quit me  of  all  blame,  I  am  sure.  Your  daughter  disobeyed  me  in 
entering  the  place  ;  and  even  after  that  there  would  have  been  no 
disaster,  except  for  the  accident  to  our  young  friend's  wrist.  All 
the  rest  of  the  excavation  is  still  firm,  as  you  see." 

"  I  will  have  every  bit  of  it  pulled  down  to-morrow,  now  that  you 
have  got  all  you  want,  professor.  And  to  blame  you  would  be  al- 
most as  wicked  as  to  fail  to  thank  the  Almighty." 

I  know  that  she  discharged  that  latter  duty,  but  I  doubt  if  sho 
ever  acquitted  herself  so  thoroughly  as  to  the  former  point. 


160  TOMMY  UPMORE. 


CHAPTER  XXVII. 

PLEASANT  AND  UNPLEASANT  THINGS. 

EVERYBODY  said,  without  one  exception,  unless  it  were  that  of 
some  low-minded  fellow,  that  I  had  performed  a  most  gallant,  val- 
iant, and  you  might  fairly  term  it,  heroic  deed.  But  I  could  not  at 
all  take  this  view  of  it  myself ;  not  only  because  of  that  modesty 
which  sometimes  suffers  misunderstanding,  from  its  terror  of  be- 
coming conspicuous,  but  also  because  I  had  acted  purely  from  in- 
stinct, and  without  two  thoughts.  If  there  had  been  two  thoughts, 
the  first  would  have  been  to  save  Laura — an  act  of  mere  selfishness— 
and  the  second  would  have  been  to  save  myself — an  act  of  almost 
equal  selfishness.  However,  casuistry  is  not  in  my  line,  and  if  peo- 
ple chose  to  think  me  a  very  fine  fellow,  I  should  have  been  guilty 
of  self-assertion  if  I  had  kept  on  contradicting  them. 

Nobody  was  allowed  to  contradict  me  for  at  least  a  fortnight,  and 
everything  was  done  to  anticipate  my  wishes.  I  lay  on  a  beautiful 
couch,  and  read  novels,  for  fear  of  any  harm  to  my  system  ;  and 
although  there  was  a  great  deal  of  ' '  debris  "  in  them,  and  most  of 
the  heroes  had  been  pushed  off  cliffs,  and  some  of  them  over- 
whelmed in  caverns,  I  did  not  find  one  who  had  saved  at  a  stroke 
his  ladylove's  bones,  and  his  own  and  a  dragon's.  And  the  best 
thing  of  all  was  that  Laura  made  a  point  of  coming  to  see  me  three 
times  every  day.  Her  mother  was  generally  with  her,  it  is  true, 
but  there  are  methods  of  exchanging  glances  over  kind  shoulders 
or  behind  beloved  backs  ;  and  sometimes  Lady  Twentifold  was 
called  away  while  her  daughter  must  be  left,  just  to  say  good-bye. 

In  another  thing  also  I  was  very  lucky.  My  affection  for  my 
mother  was  intense  and  deep ;  but  to  be  assured  of  her  welfare  was 
enough  just  now.  By  no  means  did  I  want  her  indefatigable  love 
and  assiduous  devotion  at  this  crisis.  Lady  Twentifold  had  written 
in  the  kindest  manner,  to  suggest  that  she  could  come  to  assuage 
anxiety  and  contribute  her  tender  care  ;  but  the  letter  had  arrived 
at  "Placid  Bower" — as  we  had  beautifully  named  our  house,  to 
distinguish  it  from  the  boiling  scenes  —  one  hour  after  my  dear 
mother's  hasty  departure  for  the  town  of  Liverpool.  By  the  earlier 
post  she  had  received  a  letter  from  the  manager  of  a  "  Sailor's  Ref- 
uge "  there,  requesting  her  to  set  off  by  the  next  express  train  if  she 


TOMMY  UPMORE.  161 

wished  to  see  her  dear  brother  William  alive.  This  was  that  very 
same  Uncle  Bill  of  mine  who  had  tossed  me  through  the  ceiling,  as 
above  recorded,  and  partly  in  consequence  of  that  exploit  had  be- 
taken himself  to  the  briny  waves  again,  and  had  long  been  supposed 
to  be  lying  beneath  them.  That,  however,  he  had  forborne  to  do, 
contriving,  on  the  contrary,  to  keep  above  them  during  many  ad- 
venturous years,  until  he  was  landed  quite  lately  at  Liverpool  in  the 
last  stage,  as  every  one  declared,  of  a  long,  low,  African  fever.  He 
hud  not  heard  word  of  our  changes  in  life,  but  had  given  the 
address  of  the  soap-works,  and  the  new  boiler  had  forwarded  the 
letter. 

My  mother's  kind  heart  was  affected  deeply;  and  she  left  home 
in  such  a  hot  flurry,  with  nothing  but  a  few  clothes  and  her  check- 
book, that  she  never  even  thought  of  leaving  any  address  or  orders 
concerning  her  letters.  And  we  might  have  heard  none  of  all  this 
for  a  month — for  she  was  rather  superstitious  about  sending  bad 
news,  and  had  not  heard  a  word  about  my  accident — except  for 
the  kindness  of  Miss  Windsor,  who  happened  to  call  at  "Placid 
Bower,"  as  she  often  did  for  a  good  luncheon.  The  cook  gave  her 
this  with  much  good-will,  being  troubled  with  the  knife-boy  (who 
had  tried  to  kiss  her,  and  did  not  care  how  or  when  he  came  home 
at  night),  as  well  as  in  distress  about  her  wages  and  the  emptiness 
of  the  beer-cask;  and  then  Polly,  like  the  mistress  of  the  house,  eat 
down  and  examined  the  outsides  of  all  the  letters;  not  in  any  spirit 
of  curiosity,  in  which  (as  she  confessed)  she  had  always  been  too  de- 
ficient, but  to  find  whether  she  could  be  of  any  service.  Knowing 
Lady  Twentifold's  letter  at  a  glance,  not  so  much  by  the  postmark, 
or  the  crest,  as  its  "unstudied  air  of  aristocracy,"  she  went  to  my 
four-legged  desk,  and  wrote  a  letter  beginning — "Dear  Tommy" 
(which  some  one  far  superior  to  herself  considered  a  very  great  lib- 
erty indeed,  and  had  a  great  mind  not  to  call  me  Tommy  any  more), 
and  covering  four  sides  with  a  galloping  scrawl,  all  about  nothing, 
except  that  my  mother  had  been  suddenly  called  away  to  Liverpool, 
and  no  one  knew  when  she  would  come  back  again. 

I  endeavored  to  reconcile  my  mind  to  this,  trusting  that  my  ex- 
cellent inotlK-r  would  take  good  care  of  herself,  as  she  gem-rally  did, 
and  feeling  how  very  much  better  it  was  that  her  mind  should  be 
free  from  anxiety  until  I  could  announce  my  own  recovery.  And 
for  this  latter  blessing  I  was  not  in  any  haste,  finding  all  my  meilica- 
meuts  wonderfully  nice,  and  clinical  treatment  exceedingly  fine. 

"  When  are  you  coming  down-stairs,  old  chap?"  Sir  Roland  in- 
quired, in  his  brisk,  short  style,  when  I  had  endured,  with  all  resigna- 
tion, a  fortnight  of  these  therapeutics.  "The  world  won't  stand 

11 


162  TOMMY  UPMORE. 

still  for  the  best  of  us,  you  know.  The  professor  has  packed  up  his 
bones,  and  is  going.  He  can't  hope  for  any  more  big  lizards,  and 
of  this  one  he  has  got  every  bit  of  scurf  left,  I  believe.  Wonderful 
what  fancies  people  have !  If  you  offered  him  the  Blue  Ribbon,  not 
a  smile  would  appear  on  his  philosophic  countenance.  But  offer 
him  a  thread  from  the  tail,  or  the  pelvis,  or  the  pubes,  or  whatever 
he  calls  it,  of  some  hideous  beast  that  died  when  mirrors  were  in- 
vented, and  you'll  get  a  smile  worth  walking  ten  miles  to  see.  I 
tried  to  take  a  rise  out  of  him  the  other  day  with  a  big  marrow-bone 
I  mashed  up  and  stuck  together  inside  out ;  and  I  rode  twenty  miles 
to  put  the  product  into  a  petrifying  well  for  three  days  and  nights. 
I  made  sure  of  having  him;  it  looked  so  natural,  and  every  bit  of 
join  was  soldered  over  with  the  drip-stuff. 

"  'New  specimen  from  our  cliff,  sir,'  I  said.  'I  hope  it  may  in- 
duce you  to  prolong  your  stay.' 

' '  And  really  for  a  moment  he  looked  puzzled,  and  I  made  sure 
of  having  fetched  him.  Then  he  stood  up,  and  put  his  hand  upon 
my  shoulder,  and  you  should  have  seen  the  laugh  in  his  great  eyes. 

"'I  hope,  my  young  friend,  you  will  retire  from  the  House  when 
the  question  of  our  next  grant  is  discussed,' he  said;  'I  shall  put 
this  in  a  case,  as  a  great  curiosity,  and  label  it  "Specimen  of  a  Con- 
servative M.P."  The  inversion  and  the  petrification  are  the  leading 
features  of  the  type.' 

"What  do  you  think  of  that  now,  Tommy?" 

"Well,  I  think  that  it  served  you  most  splendidly  right,  and  will 
teach  you  how  to  play  tricks  with  great  men.  I  should  like  to  have 
seen  you,  with  his  strong  hand  on  your  shoulder." 

"Come,  if  you  can  laugh  like  that,  you  heartless  Radical,  there 
can't  be  much  the  matter  with  your  inner  parts,  unless  it  is  }rour 
heartless  heart.  And  very  little  wrong  with  your  outward  either, 
to  judge  by  the  color  on  your  cheeks  when  I  came  in.  You  were 
as  bright  as  'a  red  red  rose  newly  blown  in  June.' " 

"Because  your  sweet  sister  had  just  been  with  me,"  thought  I; 
but  I  only  said,  "Yes,  I  am  a  little  better.  My  strength  is  coming 
back  to  me  gradually,  I  believe.  With  your  dear  mother's  wonder- 
ful kindness,  and  the  help  of  a  good  constitution,  I  hope  to  be  tod- 
dling about  as  usual  before  very  long.  But  Professor  Megalow  says 
that  I  must  shun  most  carefully  every  possible  form  of  excitement." 

"No  doubt  of  that.  But  you  appeared  to  me  to  be  in  a  state  of 
excitement  when  I  came  in.  And  there  was  somebody  going  down 
the  other  stairs,  I  thought ;  a  quick,  light  foot  it  seemed  to  be. " 

"  There  are  so  many  echoes  in  this  house,"  I  answered,  throwing 
one  weary  arm  across  my  face;  " if  you  had  only  ,s;ot  to  keep  in  one 


TOMMY  UPMORE.  163 

room,  and  listen  to  them  hour  after  hour,  as  I  have  got  to  do,  you 
would  find  out  that  a  very  little  thing  excites  one." 

"Well,  I  beg  your  pardon,  dear  Tommy,"  he  replied;  "I  should 
be  the  last  to  hurry  you,  I  am  sure,  after  all  the  great  things  that 
you  have  done  for  us.  But  I  do  want  you  about  again  for  a  lot  of 
reasons,  if  it  were  only  to  canvass  Larkmount  before  they  forget 
your  exploit,  and  before  that  very  dainty  color  has  time  to  get 
spoiled.  All  the  Larkmount  females  will  be  in  love  with  you,  and 
everything  is  driven  by  the  thimble  there.  The  Rads  are  going  to 
be  fools  enough,  I  hear,  to  bring  forward  an  oily  fellow,  fifty  years 
old,  pitted  with  the  small-pox,  and  with  stubby  black  hair,  against 
your  soft  carmine  and  ambrosial  curls.  And  another  thing  I  forgot 
to  tell  you:  Counterpaign  will  be  here  to-morrow,  or  the  next  day; 
and  he  is  such  an  awful  stick  over  the  wine.  He  thinks  himself 
wronged  with  less  than  two  hours  of  it ;  and  what  I  shall  do  with 
him  when  the  professor  is  gone  surpasses  my  imagination.  He 
never  says  anything  except  what  he  has  read  in  the  papers  of  the 
morning;  and  whatever  they  have  said  he  repeats  word  for  word, 
for  he  has  got  a  tremendous  memory.  And  he  does  it  all  the  same, 
if  he  has  happened  to  get  hold  of  a  Radical  journal  before  the  sound 
doctrine.  Whichever  side  he  gets  first  he  swallows,  and  his  stub- 
bornness pegs  him  fast  to  it;  and  whatever  the  other  side  says  is 
therefore  all  rubbish  and  rot  and  roguery.  His  temper  is  none  of 
the  best,  and  that  makes  it  so  much  harder  to  get  on  with  him." 

"But  what  can  you  do  with  him  all  day  long,  if  he  is  that  sort  of 
fellow?"  I  asked;  "surely  he  must  be  even  worse  before  he  has 
read  anything  at  all,  because  he  must  want  you  to  settle  his  mind." 

"Not  at  all;  he  would  resent  it  deeply.  He  must  have  a  thing  in 
type,  and  take  it  in  slowly  before  his  opinion,  as  he  calls  it,  can  be 
formed.  And  then  I  am  relieved  of  him  for  several  hours,  and  am 
only  too  glad  to  be  out  of  the  way,  while  he  marches  all  over  the 
uanlcns  and  shrubberies,  and  even  the  chase,  as  he  calls  the  home- 
farm,  for  hours  of  spooning  with  poor  Laura." 

'•  What  an  atrocious  thing  to  do!"  I  cried,  feeling  indignation  al- 
most lift  me  from  the  couch.  "  It  is  bad  enough  to  spoil  your  even- 
ings; but  to  ruin  all  her  mornings  is  ten  thousand  times  worse. 
How  can  you  bring  yourself  to  allow  it?" 

"  I  am  thankful  for  the  mercies  .that  I  thus  receive."  he  answered, 
with  heartless  and  most  inf<t<;  ft-  levity;  "  what  can  be  the  value  of  a 
girl's  time,  Tommy?  And  >he  likes  it,  of  course — for  he  makes  fine 
bee.  Or  if  she  doesn't  like  it,  why.  she  ought  to  do  so,  and  the 
sooner  she  learns  the  way  the  better.  She  will  have  to  put  up  with 
him  all  day  lon£  as  soon  as  they  are  married,  which  it  is  high  time 


164  TOMMY  UPMORR 

now  to  settle.  I  may  tell  you,  in  confidence,  that  Counterpaign  is 
just  the  fellow  to  be  made  a  fool  of,  and  so  we  must  fix  him  before 
that  happens.  Not  that  he  is  any  great  catch,  you  know:  he  will 
take  quite  as  much  as  he  brings;  and  his  family  is  ever  so  much 
newer  than  ours  is,  for  he  only  belongs  to  us  in  the  female  line. 
Still,  this  '  alliance '  (as  the  cads  of  the  papers  call  it)  has  been  deter- 
mined on  for  very  good  reasons,  and  it  plugs  up  a  leak  in  some 
wicked  old  will." 

"A  very  wicked  will  I  call  it — a  very  wicked  will,  and  a  still 
more  wicked  deed — to  bind  two  persons  together  for  life,  without 
asking  whether  they  suit  each  other.  If  you  were  a  beautiful,  clev- 
er, sweet-tempered,  warm-hearted,  pure-minded,  and  lovely  young 
lady,  without  a  particle  of  selfishness,  or  two  thoughts  of  a  trumpery 
coronet — how  would  you  like  to  marry  Lord  Counterpaign,  taking 
him  according  to  your  own  account?  His  temper  is  bad  to  begin 
with,  and  to  end  with  too,  for  any  one  who  cares  about  his  sister's 
welfare.  Holy,  bad  temper  is  the  curse  of  life.  Those  who  are 
plagued  with  it  should  live  apart,  or  only  with  those  they  are  afraid 
of;  unless  they  have  enough  of  self-knowledge,  and  enough  strong 
will,  to  quench  it  utterly.  Has  the  Earl  of  Counterpaign  got 
those?" 

"If  he  has  he  has  concealed  them  from  me  thus  far.  He  thinks 
his  bad  temper  a  very  fine  thing.  But,  my  dear  Tommy,  what  con- 
cern is  this  of  yours?" 

"None,  I  suppose,  because  she  is  not  my  sister.  But  I  will  say 
my  say  and  have  done  with  it,  and  you  may  think  me  an  upstart 
meddler  if  you  like.  All  of  you  have  been  so  kind  to  me,  and,  above 
all,  your  dear  mother,  that  I  would  rather  die  out  of  the  way  than 
see  a  great  misery  falling  upon  you.  And  the  greatest  misery  in  all 
the  world  is  for  a  gentle,  sweet,  loving,  and  sensitive  creature  to  be 
shackled  for  life  to  a  man  conceited,  stuck-up,  narrow-minded,  cold- 
hearted,  selfish,  and,  above  all,  black-tempered.  And  if  you  bring 
such  a  thing  to  pass,  you  will  rue  it  to  the  last  day  of  your  life,  dear 
Roland." 

"Come,  come,  he  is  not  half  so  bad  as  all  that!"  Sir  Roland  re- 
plied, with  more  self-command  than  I  expected  from  him.  "  Coun- 
terpaign is  a  gentleman  in  his  way,  and  only  requires  humoring. 
Tommy,  I  thank  you  for  your  warning,  which  is  uncommonly  im- 
pressive and  disinterested  " — here  he  fixed  his  piercing  eyes  on  mine, 
but  I  was  not  thinking  of  myself  at  all,  in  the  larger  interests  my 
own  words  had  aroused — "but  you  have  talked  a  great  deal  too 
much  for  your  good.  Go  to  sleep,  and  allow  me  to  consider  what 
comes  next." 


TOMMY  UPMORE.  105 

He  was  going  to  say  something  harsher,  as  I  saw;  but  his  manly 
sense  of  my  condition,  and  of  the  service  I  had  been  happy  enough 
to  render,  withheld  him  from  speaking  out  his  mind  just  then;  and 
I  was  glad  when  he  was  gone,  and  I  could  think  things  over. 


CHAPTER  XXVIII. 

THE  WELFARE  OP  THE  FAMILY. 

A  GREAT  double  blow  fell  upon  me  now  far  worse  than  the  fall 
of  the  rocks  upon  my  back — for  then  I  had  the  sweetest  of  comfort 
in  my  arms — to  wit,  the  departure  of  Professor  Megalow,  and  the  arri- 
val of  the  Earl  of  Counterpaign.  If  the  learned  professor  had  been 
laboring  for  the  union  of  the  two  most  interesting  creatures  yet  ex- 
tinct, with  the  prospect  of  neozoic  forms  big  enough  to  exhaust  even 
his  teratology,  he  could  scarcely  have  exhibited  higher  powers  of 
match-making  than  he  now  had  exerted  for  my  benefit.  He  looked 
upon  me  as  an  acolyte  of  science,  because  of  my  manual  services, 
and  took  any  failure  of  mine  as  a  defeat  henceforth  of  that  great 
power.  Moreover,  his  heart  was  as  soft  as  a  child's,  and  as  versatile 
and  as  abundant;  and  the  dry  humor  (which  knowledge  of  the  world 
had  spread  over  the  depth  of  feeling)  was  no  more  than  the  lid  of 
the  well  of  tears. 

What  a  different  nature  filled,  or  tried  to  fill,  his  chair,  at  the 
plenteous  table  of  the  Towers  next  day!  Lord  Counterpaign  had  a 
liTeat  many  good  points;  he  believed  so  himself,  and  who  am  I  to 
contradict  him?  But  he  went  a  great  deal  farther  than  that:  he 
believed  that  he  had  no  bad  ones,  and  upon  that  matter  a  very  fee- 
ble arguer  need  not  have  feared  to  tackle  him.  He  was  soft,  with- 
out being  soft-hearted;  stubborn,  without  any  real  firmness;  and 
slow-witted,  without  solidity.  Far  be  it  from  me  to  make  the  worst 
of  him  because  of  his  presumption  about  Laura  ;  his  own  face  was 
enough  to  give  a  clear  account  of  him,  and  how  can  he  object  to 
that? 

I  was  heartily  glad,  not  for  my  own  sake,  but  because  it  showed 
the  good  taste  of  sweet  Laura,  that  she  strove  her  very  utmost — 
without  transirn-ssinir  the  venial  limits  of  truth— to  keep  liberally 
out  of  the  way  of  this  noble  lord.  My  firm  belief  is  that  she  disliked 
him,  with  a  loftier  disgust  than  I  could  cherish.  For  I  did  believe 
that  he  had  some  good  points,  and  I  made  it  my  bu.xiness  to  put 
these  before  her  with  the  noblest  candor  possible. 

"Ah  well  !''  she  said,  "I  am  surprised  that  you  should  recom- 


166  TOMMY  UPMORE. 

mend  liiin  so.  I  thought  you  had  more — more  insight,  I  think  the 
fashionable  word  seems  now  to  be— as  well  as  more,  I  will  not  say 
regard,  but  consideration  for  me." 

It  was  as  much  as  I  could  do — when  she  spoke  thus,  and  looked 
at  me  as  if  her  last  friend  was  gone — to  forbear  from  a  good  burst 
of  anger  and  sorrow  and  (the  hardest  of  all  things  to  keep  under) 
great  love.  But  I  did  not  presume  for  a  moment  to  hope  that  I 
should  find  the  proper  answer  yet,  supposing  I  were  bold  enough  to 
show  that  last  in  any  plainer  style  than  that  of  sighs  and  looks,  and 
forbearance  to  look,  or  to  speak  sometimes,  and  little  unaccountable 
changes  of  color,  and  very  soft  tones,  and  an  evident  contempt  of 
all  low  considerations  and  cold  subjects.  With  all  these,  and  a 
thousand  more,  I  had  been  keeping  my  distance  from  others,  and 
from  her  before  them,  yet  striving  imperceptibly  to  steal  nearer,  as 
a  child  sidles  towards  a  shy  bird  with  salt. 

"  You  ought  to  feel  very  much  obliged  to  me,"  I  answered,  "con- 
sidering how  you  are  situated,  for  trying  to  make  the  best  of  ever}^ 
thing." 

At  this  her  eyes  flashed,  as  I  meant  them  to  do,  and  she  put  up 
her  lips  in  a  resolute  way. 

"I  am  not  situated  at  all,"  she  replied  ;  "what  a  word  to  use 
about  me !  All  the  world  seems  to  have  made  up  their  minds  that 
I  have  no  will  of  my  own  whatever.  And  you,  who  might  at  least 
have  been  hoped  to  know  me  better,  seem  to  be  contented  with  the 
general  mistake. " 

"Ah,  I  wish  that  we  were  young  again,"  I  couldn't  help  sighing, 
and  taking  her  hand  as  I  said  it,  "  and  could  talk  as  we  used  to  do 
at  the  sea-side !  We  never  had  any  misunderstandings  then." 

"And  we  won't  have  any  now,"  she  answered,  kindly,  with  a  dear 
little  sigh  (as  my  ears  told  my  heart);  "after  all  you  have  done  for 
me,  how  could  I  endure  it?  Only,  I  don't  understand  why  you 
should  take  such  a  violent  fancy  to  Lord  Counterpaign.  We  had 
better  drop  the  subject  altogether.  It  is  scarcely  one  for  us  to  talk 
about." 

"If  anybody  knows,  you  ought  to  know  that  it  is  not  a  pleasant 
theme  for  me,"  I  said,  with  a  look,  at  which  she  blushed  and  turned 
away;  "  if  I  hate  anybody  on  earth,  it  is  his  lordship!" 

"Well,"  she  exclaimed,  gazing  at  me  with  astonishment,  but  cer- 
tainly no  anger  in  her  clear  brown  eyes, ' '  I  thought  you  had  agreed 
to  drop  the  subject!  And  after  all  your  praises,  to  say  such  a  thing 
as  that !  Why,  you  must  dislike  pure  virtue !  But  I  have  been  for- 
getting that  I  keep  my  cousin  waiting.  I  ought  to  have  met  him 
by  the  fountain  long  ago  ;  and  his  dignity  is  hurt  if  I  am  not  there 


TUMMY  UPMORE.  167 

first.  Now,  you  must  keep  quiet,  and  not  walk  about  so  mucb. 
Since  the  good  professor  went  you  never  lie  down  at  all.  And  be 
made  you  lie  down  all  day  long!  Good-bye  now  till  dinner-time." 

"  I  am  not  going  to  stick  in  here,"  I  cried,  as  she  hurried  lightly 
across  the  lawn,  and  my  words  seemed  too  late  to  overtake  her, 
"  while  that  muff  of  a  lord  has  you  all  to  himself.  The  idea  of  his 
showing  his  nasty  huffs  to  you!  As  soon  as  I  am  well  I'll  have  it 
out  with  him,  as  sure  as  my  name's  Tommy.  Let  me  see  him  dare 
to  pull  his  long  face  out  at  you,  and  if  I  don't  double  up  his  coun- 
terpane, if  I  don't  make  a  Milord  Blanket  of  him — " 

However,  it  was  useless  to  go  on  like  that,  for  she  never  looked 
back  to  encourage  me.  My  nature,  moreover,  is  not  pugnacious 
until  the  very  last  straw  is  piled  upon  my  back,  or  peace  is  more 
certain  to  bring  thumps  than  war.  My  lord  had  been  a  little  super- 
cilious to  me  when  I  tried  to  save  Roly  from  this  lonesome  plague; 
still,  there  had  been  nothing  that  I  could  show  offence  at,  although 
1  might  take  it  inwardly;  and  when  I  spoke  of  Bill  Chumps  as  my 
earliest  friend,  he  had  shown  some  fine  feeling  and  real  good-will. 
And  now,  when  I  tried  to  turn  things  over  calmly  and  fairly  in  my 
mind,  and  put  aside  hopeless  wishes,  I  found  it  very  hard  to  make 
right  with  myself — as  a  gentleman  is  bound  to  do— my  own  line  of 
behavior.  When  I  speak  of  myself  as  a  gentleman,  of  course  I  do 
not  pretend  to  be  one  "of  the  gentry" — as  some  people  call  those 
who  are  born  of  good  position  in  the  country,  and  so  forth — but  only 
to  convey  that,  by  education,  association,  and  avoidance  of  low  things, 
I  now  might  claim  to  be  measured  by  that  high  standard,  though  a 
long  way  from  coming  up  to  it. 

And,  taking  this  view,  I  was  forced  to  acknowledge  that  I  must 
not  go  on  as  I  should  like  to  do,  and  might  be  said,  without  any 
power  of  denial,  to  have  already  begun  to  do.  I  found  myself  treat- 
ed with  extraordinary  kindness  by  people  of  a  far  higher  rank  than 
If,  for  a  number  of  reasons  which  need  not  be  recounted,  but 
had  all  worked  up  to  this  fine  result;  and  by  means  of  this  confi- 
dence on  their  part,  my  behavior  was  become  of  great  importance  to 
them.  I  do  not  refer  now  to  national  questions,  matters  of  science, 
or  politics,  or  even  the  use  of  my  special  faculties,  but  to  the  nearer 
and  dearer  home  interests,  invoh -ing  the  welfare  of  the  family.  And 
being  still  very  young,  and  of  no  experience,  I  puzzled  my  he 
trying  vainly  to  discover  what  was  the  right  thing  for  me  to  do. 
}ly  conscience  seemed  to  tell  me  that  I  ought  to  run  away,  and  let 
everything  take  its  course  without  me:  and  this  I  was  very  near  do- 
ing once  or  twice.  But  before  I  could  pack  up  my  trunk  (which 
was  a  big  one)  my  heart  stood  firmly  in  the  way ;  and  whether  it 


168  TOMMY  UPMORE. 

persuaded  my  mind  or  not  is  more  than  I  can  tell ;  but  certainly  my 
mind,  with  a  good  show  of  reason,  supported  it.  Why  should  the 
loveliest  and  sweetest  and  best  of  all  maidens  in  the  world  be  sac- 
rificed for  an  object  so  low — from  a  high  point  of  view — as  a  bag  of 
dirty  money,  or  a  strip  of  land  still  dirtier?  Much  happier  would  it 
have  been  for  her,  with  her  warm,  loving  nature  and  sensitive  heart, 
once  for  all  to  have  been  crushed  in  the  cave,  than  slowly  and  cold- 
ly and  consciously  to  be  overwhelmed,  and  gradually  buried  alive, 
by  the  burden  of  the  one  who  should  truly  be  her  light  and  life  and 
liberty.  To  prevent  that  most  clearly  was  my  first  duty. 

And  while  I  was  proving  to  my  conscience  this — which  pure  in- 
experience alone  could  excuse  it  for  not  having  understood  long  ago 
— it  came  to  my  knowledge  that  Lord  Counterpaign  was  not  (in  other 
ways  than  those  already  mentioned  as  unsuitable)  fit  to  be  trusted 
with  the  sacred  love  and  pure  heart  of  any  good  maiden.  Into  this 
I  shall  not  enter  any  more  than  I  can  help,  for  the  discussion  of 
such  matters  (which  even  ladies  sometimes  taunt  us  with  avoiding) 
can  cure  nobody,  and  may  taint  many.  Enough  that  it  quenched 
all  further  doubt  (which  became  at  once  unmanly  squeamishness)  as 
to  my  duty  towards  him  and  her,  and  would  have  made  me  loathe 
the  sight  of  him  near  Laura,  even  if  she  had  been  nothing  to  me. 

"  Tommy,  you  are  not  in  your  usual  spirits,"  Sir  Roland  said  to 
me,  as  he  sat  in  the  chair  of  hospitality  after  the  ladies  had  retired, 
with  the  earl  on  his  right  hand,  and  me  on  his  left;  "  I  fear  that  you 
are  walking  too  much,  my  dear  boy,  before  you  have  got  your  strength 
up  again.  If  you  do  that,  the  Radical  candidate  for  Larkmount  will 
get  all  the  fellows  pledged  to  him  before  I  can  even  show  you." 

"  He  is  thinking  too  much  about  his  election,"  Lord  Counterpaign 
remarked,  with  that  long,  slow  chuckle  which  proved  his  enjoyment 
of  his  own  poor  wit;  "and,  from  what  I  have  seen  in  the  papers 
to-day,  he  will  have  a  lot  of  questions  to  answer." 

"About  the  cession  of  Gibraltar  and  the  total  abandonment  of 
India,"  Sir  Roland  answered,  with  a  wink  at  me.  "  I  saw  that  you 
were  deep  in  that  subject,  my  cousin,  and  I  hope  that  you  found  it 
suit  your  taste." 

"Justice  is  justice,"  the  earl  replied,  "and  narrow  considerations 
should  not  be  allowed  to  blind  us,  as  against  the  larger  view.  For 
instance,  how  should  we  like  the  Spaniards  to  be  in  permanent  oc- 
cupation of  Dover  Castle  and  the  mouth  of  the  Thames?  And,  to 
a  Spanish  mind,  Gibraltar  combines  the  advantages  of  both  those 
positions.  I  confess  that  I  reflected  seriously  over  the  forcible  man- 
ner in  which  that  was  put.  And  supposing  that  I  had  been  by  birth 
a  Spaniard,  which  is  very  easily  conceivable — " 


TOMMY  UPMORE.  169 

"Not  at  all.  You  are  not  a  bit  like  a  Spaniard,  and  you  had  bet- 
ter not  reflect  as  one  until  you  are  re-conceived.  We  have  got  those 
places,  and  we  mean  to  keep  them;  as  the  Spaniards  would  keep 
Dover  Castle,  if  their  ancestors  had  taken  it,  and  they  could  stick  to 
it.  The  electors  of  Larkmount  are  Englishmen,  and  they  would 
never  have  Tommy  if  he  talked  such  stuff.  To-morrow  you'll  get 
hold  of  a  Tory  paper  first,  and  read  all  about  our  glorious  heritage, 
and  the  paramount  duty  of  keeping  it  intact.  Here,  my  dear  fel- 
low, take  another  glass  of  port.  You  require  it  for  your  constitu- 
tion." 

His  lordship  looked  angry,  but  did  as  he  was  bidden,  for  he  was 
heartily  afraid  of  his  strong-minded  cousin;  and  to  turn  the  conver- 
sation I  broke  in,  saying  to  Sir  Roland, 

"To-morrow,  if  it  suits  you,  I  shall  be  most  happy  to  go  over 
and  see  those  highly  interesting  people.  Your  Twentibury  business 
comes  on  next  Friday,  and  you  go  up  to  take  your  seat  next  Mon- 
day. But  if  I  am  to  have  the  honor  of  being  returned,  it  cannot  be 
for  some  three  months  yet.  And  when  you  go  to  London,  I  think 
of  going  too.  I  am  rather  uneasy  about  my  mother.  I  have  not 
heard  from  her  for  a  long  time,  and  I  don't  even  know  where  she  is 
at  present." 

"Very  well,  you  shall  come  up  with  me,  and  be  back  again  to 
practise  at  the  rabbits  for  the  first.  Counter,  I  mean  to  educate  this 
Tommy,  and  I'll  back  him  to  wipe  your  eye  when  the  long-tails 
come  in." 

"He  will  have  to  beat  his  tutor  before  he  can  do  that,"  Lord 
Counterpaign  answered,  with  his  drawling  smile,  which  never  fol- 
lowed any  but  his  own  ideas. 

And  then  they  began  to  talk  about  sporting  matters,  such  as  I 
had  heard  of  continually  at  Oxford,  but  knew  very  little  of  in  any 
other  way. 

It  grieved  me  very  deeply,  as  I  watched  this  man  (who  scarcely 
ever  deigned  to  consider  me  at  all),  to  think  that  I  must  leave 
him  here  with  Laura  for  I  knew  not  how  long,  to  go  sauntering 
about,  and  sit  upon  benches  out-of-doors,  and  poke  into  flowers  or 
gold  and  silver  fish,  and  drone  all  his  paragraphs  from  the  papers 
into  her  poor  weary  ears.  Sometimes  she  would  rouse  her  bright 
spirit,  as  I  knew,  and  give  him  such  an  answer  as  of  right  should 
do  him  good;  but  the  worst  of  him  was  that  his  wits  were  not  quick 
enough  to  enter  into  am  tiling  that  went  against  himself.  And 
Laura,  on  the  whole,  was  so  gentle  and  long-suffering,  and  desirous 
to  keep  any  visitor  happy,  and  herself  of  so  lively  a  disposition, 
that  she  seemed  too  likely  to  try  to  make  the  best  of  him— far  more 


170  TOMMY  UPMORE. 

than  he  deserved,  and  nearly  as  much  as  he  required.  All  this 
made  it  more  and  more  miserable  for  me  as  the  Monday  for  my 
farewell  drew  nigh,  and  there  came  no  letter  from  my  mother  to 
relieve  me  of  that  sad  necessity. 


CHAPTER  XXIX. 

BECAUSE  HE  HAD  NO  PITY. 

SUNDAY  was  a  very  lovely  day,  and  people  came  from  nearly  two 
miles  off  to  church.  The  church  was  just  outside  the  eastern  lodge, 
at  the  end  of  the  finest  avenue,  and  it  was  very  little  larger  than 
that  lodge,  and  scarcely  looked  so  serious.  But  the  parson  was  a 
very  worthy  man  to  preach,  and  he  often  said  things  that  could  be 
talked  about;  so  that  any  people  who  were  staying  in  the  neigh- 
borhood for  the  sake  of  the  air,  or  the  views,  or  the  moderate  price 
of  meat  and  butter,  or  even  the  salt-water,  were  glad  (if  the  Sunday 
was  fine  and  a  fly  could  be  found  at  a  reasonable  figure)  to  be  able 
to  say,  before  they  left  the  neighborhood,  that  they  had  heard  the 
famous  preacher,  Mr.  Arkles,  one  of  the  few  who  can  still  be  heard 
gratis. 

Naturally  enough,  the  pews  belonging  to  the  Towers  and  its  race 
were  three-quarters  of  the  church;  but  if  any  respectable  people 
came  in  and  looked  about,  as  if  they  were  used  to  cushions  and 
objected  to  the  free  seats,  which  had  none  (and,  in  fact,  had  no  room 
for  them,  being  about  as  wide  and  rough  as  a  kidney-bean  stick), 
there  never  wras  any  hesitation  on  the  part  of  the  officials  of  the 
Towers,  from  the  house-keeper  downward  (according  to  the  dresses 
of  the  persons  that  came  in,  and  their  power  of  conveying  their  im- 
portance by  their  looks),  to  push  open  any  door,  with  some  yards 
of  room  inside  it,  and  nod  solemnly,  yet  Christianly,  over  the  top 
rim  of  their  prayer-books.  In  the  chief  pew  of  state  there  was  sel- 
dom anybody  to  attend  the  morning  service,  except  the  main  visit- 
ors at  the  Towers;  not  from  any  turn  on  the  part  of  Lady  Twenti- 
fold  against  Mr.  Arkles — though  the  public  very  generally  put  it 
down  to  that — but  simply  because  she  had  so  many  parishes  in  all 
of  which  she  liked  the  clergyman;  and  she  felt  it  a  duty,  in  the 
proper  round  of  Sundays,  to  make  calls  upon  all  of  them,  in  right 
order  and  in  church.  But  of  a  Sunday  evening  when  the  dinner- 
time allowed,  and  the  trees  of  the  avenue  dropped  no  drop,  all  the 
"cover-parties"  (as  the  old  butler  called  us  for  whom  he  had  to  lay 
the  table)  used  to  march  to  the  little  old  church— for  my  lady  would 


TOMMY  L'PMORE.  171 

have  no  carriage  out  on  a  Sunday  evening— and  behave  ourselves 
according  to  our  nature  there. 

Upon  this  Sunday,  which  was  to  be  my  last  with  Laura  for  I 
could  not  tell  how  long,  Sir  Roland  had  driven  his  mother  away  in 
the  light  mail-phaeton  to  some  far-off  church,  but  the  young  lady 
stayed  at  home,  to  attend  to  the  visitors  and  take  them  to  the  pariah 
church.  Lord  Counterpaign  had  a  great  mind  not  to  go;  and  it 
would  have  been  better  for  him,  as  it  happened,  if  he  had  persisted 
in  this  irreligious  tone;  but  even  his  stupidity  was  beginning  to  per- 
ceive what  a  dreadful  condition  I  was  in  concerning  Laura,  and 
that  she  would  not  have  me  disdainfully  spoken  of  when  I  was 
away  and  could  not  defend  myself;  and  these  considerations  made 
him  go  to  church. 

Everything  went  on  as  well  as  need  be  until  we  had  got  some 
distance  into  the  First  Lesson.  I  had  seen  a  big,  weather-beaten 
man  come  in  at  the  beginning  of  the  Venite,  forgetting  himself,  for 
the  moment,  so  that  he  kept  his  broad  hat  on  his  head  until  he  was 
reminded  where  he  was.  This  made  me  look  at  him  with  more  at- 
tention, and  wonder  what  had  brought  him  hither,  for  he  seemed  to 
be  not  of  the  neighborhood.  He  refused  to  come  up  to  the  grade 
of  the  pews,  though  the  footmen  of  the  Towers  cast  glances  at  him, 
as  if  he  were  worthy  to  come  in  with  them — which  they  never  did 
to  any  below  a  tradesman  or  a  farmer;  and  when  he  took  his  hat 
off  he  put  it  on  a  stick,  and  sat  down  upon  the  free  bench  and 
propped  himself  up;  then  he  stood  up  at  leisure,  with  his  staff  in 
his  hand,  and  began  to  survey  the  congregation.  The  clergyman 
looked  at  him,  as  much  as  to  say,  "You  are  not  behaving  very  well, 
my  friend;"  but  he  never  returned  his  gaze,  nor  seemed  to  know 
that  there  was  any  clergyman.  His  manifest  desire  was  to  see  every- 
body that  happened  to  be  inside  those  four  walls,  and  a  kindred 
curiosity  arose  on  my  part  to  know  all  about  him.  I  saw  that  he 
-tout,  and  at  least  of  middle  age,  with  a  ruddy  face  and  grizzled 
whiskers,  and  that  candid  expression  of  a  puzzled  state  of  mind 
\vhieh  generally  shows  an  honest  nature.  It  was  clear  that  he  had 
not  found  what  he  sought,  though  his  eyes  were  especially  turned 
to  our  hkrh  pe\v.  He  looked  at  Miss  Twentifold,  and  he  looked  at 
me;  and  I  could  scarcely  help  smiling  at  his  disappointment  as  I 
watehed  his  lips,  and  could  almost  hear  him  say  to  himself,  ''No, 
that  is  not  the  man." 

mwhile  the  Karl  of  Counterpaign  was  lounging  at  the  back 
of  our  deep  pew,  for  he  was  very  lazy,  and  had  taken  a  great  deal 
to  drink  last  night,  as  I  knew  by  hi<  lu  havior  at  the  billiard-table; 
and  being  out  of  sight  of  Mr.  Arkles  and  his  flock,  he  was  stopping 


172  TOMMY  UPMORE. 

his  ears  with  his  dainty  fingers,  to  shut  out  the  "horrible  row,"  as 
he  called  it,  of  their  hearty  but  untutored  chanting.  And  through- 
out the  reading  of  the  Psalms  there  he  stayed,  putting  up  his  feet, 
which  I  could  see  vexed  Laura. 

The  First  Lesson  happened  to  be  the  twelfth  chapter  of  the  Sec- 
ond Book  of  Samuel,  and  Mr.  Arkles  began  to  read  it  beautifully, 
for  he  had  a  fine  voice  and  loved  brave  English.  But  before  he 
had  gone  very  far,  my  lord,  being  weary  of  his  lounge,  stood  up  to 
take  a  stretch  and  have  a  look  at  the  inferior  people,  among  whom 
there  were  some  bright,  comely  girls,  not  unwilling  to  catch  a  great 
nobleman's  glance.  The  clergyman  read  in  a  loud,  clear  voice,  as  if 
himself  were  the  prophet, 

"  'The  man  that  hath  done  this  shall  surely  die.  And  he  shall 
restore  the  lamb  fourfold;  because  he  did  this  thing;  and  because 
he  had  no  pity.  And  Nathan  said  to  David — ' " 

"Thou  art  the  man!" 

A  far  louder  voice  than  Mr.  Arkles's  rang  through  the  building, 
and  the  big  man  pointed  his  staff  at  the  pale  face  of  Lord  Counter- 
paign. 

"Yon  stands  the  man  that  made  a  harlot  of  my  daughter." 

' '  Church-wardens,  I  call  upon  you  to  remove  that  person, "  the 
clergyman  said,  as  soon  as  he  recovered  from  the  breathless  aston- 
ishment that  filled  the  church. 

Two  elderly  men  arose  to  do  his  bidding;  but  before  they  could 
get  near  him,  the  big  man  clapped  his  broad  hat  on  his  head  and 
walked  out  slowly  through  the  open  door  by  which  he  had  been 
standing. 

Then  my  lord  turned  round  to  us  with  a  very  ghastly  smile,  and 
said  aloud,  "  It  is  only  some  poor  madman,  but  he  ought  to  be  taken 
into  custody." 

Laura,  who  had  become  as  pale  as  death,  shrank  from  him  to  my 
side,  and  I  took  her  hands,  in  fear  that  she  might  faint ;  but  she  did 
not  do  that,  though  her  hands  trembled  coldly  in  mine,  and  a  large 
tear  rolled  down  either  fluttering  cheek. 

To  the  rest  of  the  service  we  paid  small  heed,  though  going  through 
the  forms  of  it:  and  it  was  all  in  vain  that  our  companion  tried  to 
catch  our  glances  and  to  smile  it  off. 

We  three  were  the  last  to  leave  the  church,  and  Mr.  Arkles  very 
kindly  followed  us  from  the  vestry  (into  which  he  had  called  the 
church-wardens),  and  told  us  at  the  church-yard  gate  how  sorry  he 
was  for  the  disgraceful  scene  and  the  alarm  of  the  young  lady. 
Then  he  shook  hands  with  her,  and  lifted  his  hat  very  coldly  to 
Lord  Counterpaign,  and  left  us  at  the  eastern  lodge. 


TOMMY  UP  MORE.  K3 

As  we  entered  the  avenue  leading  to  the  Towers,  which  was  more 
than  half  a  mile  in  length,  the  earl  began  to  walk  at  a  pace  very 
different  from  his  wonted  dawdle,  and  seemed  to  be  casting  his 
in  a  nervous  manner  between  the  great  trunks  of  the  trees.  The 
servants  of  the  house  were  fdr  in  front,  sometimes  in  sight,  and 
sometimes  hidden  by  the  dips  of  the  land  and  the  turns  of  the  road, 
whose  beauty  he  did  not  appreciate.  This,  however,  I  was  capable 
of  doing;  and  I  did  not  see  why  we  should  be  in  a  hurry  because 
his  lordship  was,  perhaps,  in  a  fright.  So  I  said,  to  break  the  sol- 
emn silence  (which  seemed  to  have  fallen  upon  us  somehow,  after  a 
little  weak  talk  about  the  weather), 

*'  Why  should  we  go  at  such  a  headlong  rate^  The  day  is  very 
warm,  and  why  should  we  endeavor  to  beat  it  at  its  own  busi- 
ness?" 

Laura,  who  was  walking  between  us,  gave  me  a  sweet  little  glance, 
almost  the  first  she  had  ventured  to  exchange  with  me  since  that  oc- 
currence in  the  church ;  but  Lord  Counterpaign  said, 

"Oh,  very  well.  I  forgot  that  you  had  not  recovered  your  activ- 
ity, Upmore,  after  all  that  business  when  you  were  the  Pillars  of 
Hercules,  or  somebody?  Who  was  it — Atlas?  You  are  fresh  from 
Oxford.  A  remarkable  instance  of  the  unexpected.  Your  princi- 
pal gift  is  of  flight,  I  believe,  though  you  have  never  favored  me 
with  a  specimen." 

His  manner  was  spiteful  to  the  last  degree,  possibly  because  I  had 
not  sided  with  him  throughout  what  I  considered  the  confusion  of 
a  blackguard. 

"Your  lordship  may  envy  me  that  gift,"  I  said,  with  more  irrita- 
tion than  I  ought  to  have  shown  in  the  presence  of  gentle  Laura, 
"  but  I  have  never  yet  used  it  to  escape  from  those  I  have  injured." 

Before  I  could  answer  his  furious  stare,  a  man  of  great  substance 
appeared  from  behind  a  big  tree  and  stood  before  us.  In  one  hand 
he  had  the  staff  which  had  given  so  much  point  to  his  Scriptural  de- 
nunciation, and  he  held  the  other  open,  with  great  fingers  bent  and 
a  rapid  growth  of  tendency  towards  the  collar  of  the  earl. 

"Mind  what  you're  about,"  I  said,  going  up  to  him  with  every 
exportation  of  being  tossed  into  the  bole  of  the  tree  that  had  con- 
cealed him,  and  I  pointed  to  Laura;  and  he  said, 

"Koight.  lad;  teak  t'  yoong  leddy  awaa,  if  tho  wool.  A  foo 
pri'ate  words  is  aw'  oi  ston  here  fur." 

"  Shall  I  come  back  to  help  you?" I  called  out  to  Lord  Counter- 
pai^n,  as  I  hurried  off  with  Laura  to  get  her  out  of  sight  of  it;  and 
although  he  was  in  a  very  low  ebb  of  heart  (as  his  face  and  legs 
showed),  he  had  the  courage  to  say. 


174  TOMMY  UPMORE. 

"No.  This  is  a  private  affair — an  attempt  to  sponge  on  me.  Fel- 
low, take  your  hands  off." 

"  To  sponnge  on  'ee,  eh?"  I  heard  the  loud  voice  roar;  "  ool't  lack 
a  mony  sponnges  afore  oi've  a  dooed  wi'  'ee." 

And  desirous  as  I  was  to  know  how  this  was  to  happen,  I  durst 
not  look  round  because  of  darling  Laura,  who  was  terrified  so  that 
I  had  no  resource  but  to  help  her  along  with  both  comfort  and 
support. 

"  Oh,  what  does  that  mean?"  she  asked,  with  the  saddest  forebod- 
ings in  her  tearful  eyes ;  and  I  answered, 

"It  must  be  the  way  the  grasshoppers  are  always  going  on  in  this 
hot  weather.  It  is  the  way  they  make  love,  you  know,  to  one  an- 
other." 

"It  sounds  much  heavier  than  a  grasshopper,"  she  whispered,  as 
a  yet  louder  stroke  awoke  the  echoes;  "and  if  that's  the  way  they 
make  love,  I  am  sure  it  is  not  at  all  what  I  should  like. " 

"  Oh  that  I  knew  what  way  of  doing  it  you  do  like!"  I  murmured, 
even  in  that  crisis;  and  she  seemed  not  to  hear  me,  except  with  her 
cheeks. 

It  struck  me  that  she  should  have  been  more  anxious  for  me  to 
hurry  back  to  the  succor  of  the  earl;  but  (either  from  not  knowing 
what  was  going  forward,  or  from  a  readiness  to  keep  me  out  of  dan- 
ger, or  even,  perhaps,  some  resignation  to  the  code  of  justice)  she 
took  me  quite  up  to  the  steps  of  the  terrace  before  she  could  at  all 
dispense  with  me.  And  though  I  ran  back  at  full  speed,  with  three 
or  four  men  after  me,  to  the  spot  where  I  had  left  Lord  Counterpaign, 
there  was  no  evil-doer  there  for  us  to  apprehend,  unless  it  was  my 
lord  himself ;  and  we  found  him  in  such  a  very  sad  condition  that 
we  were  all  afraid  to  lift  him  up. 


CHAPTER  XXX. 

PERFIDY. 

ANYTHING  of  that  kind  makes  me  sad,  because  I  am  in  such  a 
struggle  to  believe  what  everybody  now  has  settled  long  ago — and 
the  younger  he  is  the  more  he  feels  it — that  all  our  forefathers  in 
comparison  with  us  were  low  savages,  fools,  and  brute  beasts  of 
the  earth.  And,  doubtless,  to  this  perception  of  the  nature  from 
which  we  ourselves  descend,  or,  rather,  by  some  gift  (more  marvel- 
lous a  thousand-fold  than  mine)  ascend,  tower  above  their  wretched 
loins,  and  soar  into  the  seventy-seventh  heaven— or  at  least  as  much 


TOMMY  UPMORK 

as  we  have  left  of  it  undemolished — to  this  pure  disdain  of  the 
brutes  who  begot  us  arc  due  our  strong  yearning  towards,  and  rev- 
erend faith  in,  the  great  father  of  us  all — a  little  snail  without  a 
head. 

But  so  long  as  my  nature  is  so  disloyal  to  that  great  all-father  as 
to  want  a  hat,  thoughts  will  come  into  that  superfluous,  and  there- 
fore universally  weak,  part  of  the  present  human  being  which  goes 
into  the  chimney-pot,  evolved,  alas!  as  a  penalty  for  that  disloyal- 
ty. Oh  that  Father  Mollusk  could  only  have  foreseen  a  tithe  of  the 
woes  which  the  evolution  of  a  head  would  entail  upon  his  self-willed 
descendants!  Unwise  was  he  in  his  generation,  and  some  Satan 
must  already  have  been  in  posse,  or  why  did  Mother  Mollusk —  But 
such  questions  are  not  Science,  which  allows  no  question  of  her 
bashful  physiology. 

Happier  would  have  been  my  position  now  if  the  survival  of  the 
fittest  had  omitted  me,  or  at  least  had  restored  me  to  the  patriarchal 
state  of  headless  existence  at  the  bottom  of  the  sea.  All  birds  are 
now  proved  to  have  been  evolved  from  lizards,  which  accounts  for 
my  complicity  with  the  Saurian  race  and  their  influence  upon  my 
destiny.  And  another  piercing  genius  has  certified  us  that  the 
canine  race,  being  threatened  with  extinction  after  milliards  of  years 
by  hydrophobia,*  lay  down,  and  eccnCsted  the  protoplastic  flea,  who 
took  to  his  labor  of  love  with  congenital  tripudiation,  and  rescued 
the  author  of  his  origin  from  impending  annihilation  thus: 

Hydrophobia  was  the  product  of  ennui — of  lying  chained  up  in  the 
sun,  and  meditating  too  profoundly,  as  all  dogs  do.  Thus,  a  dread 
of  the  depths  of  reflection  was  instituted  in  the  mind  of  Towser. 
which  developed  in  the  intellect  of  his  descendants  into  hydropho- 
bia, and  must  have  undone  them  to  the  ends  of  their  tails,  without 
the  evolution  of  the  genial  flea.  He,  with  an  infusion  of  fresh  blood, 
sprang  forth,  developed  his  saltatory  powers  by  development  of  long 
legs — or  ri'Y  r<  r.w,  for  1  am  not  sure  which  way  that  link  goes — and 
has  ever  since  satisfied  the  exigency  that  developed  him  by  pr< 
ing  every  son  of  a  dog  thence  generated  from  the  paraphrenitis  of 
nothing  to  scratch. 

Acrior  ill  it  in  ( 'urn  domat. 

I  thought  of  all  this  (though  without  any  room  for  the  moral  les- 
son it  so  well  conveys)  as  I  came  upon  old  Grip  spread  out  la- 
in the  sun,  upon  the  pet  flower-bed,  upon  the  pet  lawn  of  that  cle- 

*  Alas!  that  the  newest,  and  perhaps  noblest,  of  all  scientific  discoveries — the 
doctrine  of  creation  by  eccnesis — cannot  be  claimed  by  an  English,  or  even — as  a 
priori  should  have  been— a  learned  Scotch  professor,  bat  passes  to  the  credit  of  a 
French  savant,  hitherto  unknown,  bat  now  immortal. 


176  TOMMY  UPMORE. 

gant  Rm  in  urbe,  as  the  house-agent  called  it— "Placid  Bower." 
Grip  had  caught  a  lizard,  which  he  did  not  care  to  eat,  getting  more 
in  the  trencher  way  than  he  could  away  with,  and  finding  his  teeth 
more  and  more  like  a  hay-rake  which  had  done  its  work  upon  a 
score  of  farms  by  August.  But  it  was  against  all  the  principles  of 
his  life,  and  the  time-honored  policy  of  the  nation  he  belonged  to, 
to  let  go  a  hold  he  once  had  laid.  And  yet,  as  I  could  see  by  the 
twitching  of  his  shoulder  and  munch  of  his  lip,  he  could  scarcely 
tell  how  to  defer  the  crisis  and  climax  of  a  thoroughly  exhaustive 
scratch ;  for  no  one  durst  wash  him  except  myself,  and  I  had  never 
been  near  him  for  six  hot  weeks. 

Poor  old  chap!  It  made  all  my  low  spirits  go  lower  to  think  that 
he  could  never  more  hear  me  or  see  me  until  I  came  as  nigh  him  as 
the  length  he  once  could  jump.  There  was  no  need  to  chain  him 
up  any  more  for  fear  of  his  flying  at  some  visitor.  He  had  lived 
in  the  world  such  a  length  of  time  now  that  he  cared  not  to  strive 
any  more  against  vice,  unless  it  came  meddling  with  his  own  dear  be- 
longings. .  All  that  old  interest  of  sticking  up  for  honesty  he  had 
long  since  resigned  to  his  Oxford  son,  Grapple,  whom  he  now  ap- 
proached with  great  consideration,  through  the  loss  of  his  teeth  and 
the  stiffness  of  his  loins.  Grapple  was  bodily  as  good  as  Grip  had 
been  in  his  fighting  heyday;  neither  was  his  pluck  inferior;  but  the 
difference  between  them  in  warmth  of  heart  and  faith  and  steadfast 
loyalty  was  almost  as  great  as  that  grown  up  between  our  grand- 
fathers and  ourselves. 

But  I  did  not  expect,  well  aware  as  I  was  of  his  staunch  and 
well-proven  fidelity,  such  warmth,  and  I  might  say  such  wildness, 
of  welcome  as  the  ancient  dog  afforded  me.  When  I  called  out 
"  Grip,"  he  pricked  up  his  ears  as  if  he  could  never  more  believe 
them,  and  then  he  turned  his  poor  eyes,  spread  with  film,  and  look- 
ed at  me  as  if  I  were  a  memory.  Beginning  to  get  an  idea  of  some 
bliss,  he  slowly  arose  and  shook  himself,  but  still  with  his  dull  eyes 
set  on  me,  and  a  tremulous  inquiry  of  his  worn-out  tail. 

"  Grip,"  I  said,  "  Grip,  what  an  old  stupe  you  are!"  and  the  sud- 
den joy  made  a  young  dog  of  him.  With  a  mighty  bark,  such  as 
he  never  expected  to  compass  again,  he  leaped  up  at  me,  and  put 
his  great  ossified  paws  on  my  breast,  and  offered  me  the  delicate 
refreshment  of  his  tongue.  Then  he  capered  about,  and  made  such 
a  proclamation  that  the  servants  rushed  out,  and  seeing  me,  rushed 
back,  to  get  things  a  little  tidy  before  they  let  me  in. 

I  found  that  my  mother  was  still  from  home,  but  expected  to 
come  back  that  night,  and  had  written  to  have  the  best  bedroom 
prepared  for  an  invalid  gentleman  whom  she  would  bring.  This 


TOMMY  UPMORE.  177 

would,  of  course,  be  her  brother  William,  of  whom  I  had  fully 
thought  to  hear  as  dead,  and  was  greatly  pleased  to  find  it  other- 
wise, having  kind  memories  of  him,  and  being  uncommonly  short 
of  relali-. 

As  there  was  still  a  good  piece  of  daylight,  and  it  seemed  dull  to 
sit  there  by  myself,  I  resolved  to  reward  the  faithful  Grip  by  taking 
him  to  see  his  native  land,  as  he  fairly  might  consider  Maiden  Lane. 
So  we  set  forth  together  to  call  on  Mr.  Chumps,  who  still  carried  on  his 
nutritious  business,  and  wore  the  blue  apron  more  stoutly  than  ever. 

"Ha,  my  lad!"  he  cried,  as  I  opened  the  shop-door,  which  rang  a 
sharp  tocsin  against  beef  and  mutton  rievers,  "you  are  come  just 
in  time  for  a  glass  of  the  fizzing.  Have  you  heard  the  good  news? 
No,  I  s'pose  not ;  you've  been  down  among  all  them  swells  so  long. 
Wonder  almost  you  would  deign  to  look  us  up.  Go  on  into  the  par- 
lor with  the  missus  and  our  Linda.  In  ten  minutes  thirty  seconds 
1  shall  put  the  shutters  up,  and  wouldn't  take  'em  down  for  the  Dook 
or  his  Royal  Highness.  Leastways,  I  might  for  H.R.H.  if  he  were 
going  to  give  a  supper-party;  but  not  for  his  Grace — won't  have 
shanks  with  his  legs.  Bill  will  be  back  in  ten  minutes;  go  in,  lad." 

In  the  parlor  I  found  Mrs.  Chumps  and  her  daughter  Belinda,  and 
some  one  else  sitting  in  the  corner,  who  seemed  to  be  doubtful  about 
turning  round  at  the  sound  of  my  voice,  or  whatever  it  might  be. 
The  room  was  rather  gloomy,  from  a  balcony  over  the  windows  and 
the  evening  now  set  in ;  and  I  thought,  what  a  very  shy  young  lady 
they  have  got!  Or  perhaps  she  has  had  too  much  tea  and  cake,  and 
is  gone  fast  asleep  in  the  corner.  Not  to  disturb  her  I  sat  down  far 
away. 

"Poor  dear!"  said  Mrs.  Chumps,  who  was  looking  very  well,  and 
you  might  say  ten  years  younger,  with  a  new  front  to  her  hair,  and 
a  pink  binding  to  her  bosom,  and  a  pair  of  long-skirted  kid-gloves 
on  her  lap,  and  a  juvenile  jacket  with  Bohemian  scallops  hung  be- 
hind her,  as  if  she  had  just  pulled  it  off — which  she  never  could 
have  done  unless  born  in  it.  "Poor  dear,  she  naturally  feels  it  so 
deeply.  Oh,  Tommy  Upmore,  you  men  never  feel!" 

"Don't  we?"  I  replied,  while  wondering  who  the  poor  dear  waa 
and  what  her  feelings  were.  "Mrs.  Chumps,  if  you  had  only  seen 
the  stroke  of  our  eight,  that  beat  Cambridge  three  years  running, 
when  he  was  compelled  to  have  his  wise  tooth  out,  and  he  had  only 
cut  it  two  years,  I  can  assure  you ;  and  the  dentist  attributed  its 
state  entirely  to  the  way  the  wind  came  over  his  left  shoulder,  and 
hu  begged  me  to  support  him  with  my  moral  presence,  that  was  how 
he  put  it,  from  his  demoralization — " 

"  How  exactly  you  do  talk  like  your  dear  mother!"  Mrs.  Chumps 

12 


178  TOMMY  UP  MORE. 

answered,  and  rather  shut  me  up,  for  a  Bachelor  of  Arts  ought  to 
do  more  than.  that.  "I  dare  say  the  young  man  felt  that  deep 
enough  ;  and  my  very  best  sympathies  would  be  with  him,  having 
had  out,  from  first  to  last,  five-and-forty  of  'em." 

"Ma!"  cried  Miss  Belinda.  "Now  how  can  you  be  so  wicked? 
Mr.  Upmore  knows  better,  when  he  sees  them  all  there.  And  as  for 
five-and-forty,  and  at  fifty  shillings  each —  Oh,  Mr.  Upmore,  how 
many  have  we  got?" 

"That  depends  upon  circumstances,"  I  replied,  for  fear  of  being 
wrong,  having  never  been  told  at  Oxford,  nor  yet  by  Mr.  Cope,  nor 
yet  by  Dr.  Rumbelow,  nor  any  of  the  classics  I  had  dealt  with  yet. 
"  Some  have  got  more,  and  some  have  less,  no  doubt." 

"Never  mind  that,"  Mrs.  Chumps  resumed;  "such  subjects  are 
meant  for  young  people,  or  those  who  have  never  known  what  ill- 
health  means.  But,  my  dear  Tommy,  the  exact  sum  is  twelve  thou- 
sand one  hundred  and  twenty-five  pounds,  deducting  the  duty  of 
three  per  cent. ;  and  hard  it  is  to  have  to  break  the  even  money. 
But  the  poor  dear  does  her  best  to  feel  resigned,  and  the  other  will 
have  to  pay  six  per  cent. ;  that's  one  comfort,  at  any  rate.  And 
lucky  she  may  count  herself  to  get  it  at  that  reckoning,  when  the 
whole  twenty-five  should  have  come  this  way.  But  there,  we  must 
be  easier  to  please,  as  I'm  sure  has  always  been  my  motto.  It  will 
fetch  me  back  to  the  Church,  it  will,  just  when  I  was  going  to  join 
the  Congregation.  They  provides  in  the  Church  such  a  tenderness 
of  feeling  as  I  first  learned  out  of  the  Catechism. — N.  or  M.  it  says, 
and  he  was  both,  for  his  name  wras  '  Nathaniel  Matthew, '  and  he  sat 
at  the  receipt  of  customs  ;  and  my  godfather  and  godmother  in  my 
baptism,  wherein  I  was  made  an  inheritor.  There  is  no  such  fine 
feeling  among  them  Dissenters.  Poor  dear,  it  is  a  sad  blow  for  her ! 
There  was  tears  in  her  eyes  when  she  told  us  of  it,  and  no  Mammon 
of  unrighteousness  could  stop  them  rolling.  My  son  William,  who 
was  first  of  all  the  colleges,  is  gone  to  the  lawyer  now  to  give  the 
proper  orders,  as  a  Barrister  of  Lincoln  Inn  is  bound  to  do.  She 
have  just  dropped  in  to  talk  about  the  mourning;  her  dear  mamma 
says  black,  but  her  mind  is  too  distressful,  and  not  at  all  suitable  to 
her  bright  complexion.  Lavender,  to  my  mind,  is  as  deep  as  need 
be ;  and  the  poor  dear  never  seen  him  till  his  funeral,  that  took  place 
at  Highgate  yesterday.  Give  us  your  opinion,  Mr.  Upmore,  if  you 
please,  after  coming  from  all  their  ladyships." 

"But  I  don't  understand,  Mrs.  Chumps,"  I  answered,  wondering 
at  my  own  stupidity.  "  I  have  not  the  least  idea  what  the  circum- 
stances are." 

"  No  more  don't  I  altogether.     The  whole  have  come  such  a  sud- 


TOMMY  UPMORE.  179 

den  blow  to  us.    Belinda,  darling,  run  and  fetch  the  papers.     Oh, 
bless  the  girl,  she's  gone  without  the  keys,  I  do  believe!" 

Mrs.  Chumps  laid  down  her  gloves,  and  began  hunting  in  her 
pockets;  then  hurried  from  the  room  upon  her  daughter's  track, 
while  I  sat  bewildered.  Then  a  sad  sigh  issued  from  the  gloomy 
corner,  and  a  melancholy  whisper  followed  it. 

"Oh,  Tommy,  Tommy,  will  you  ever  forgive  me?  For  years 
you  were  the  chosen  of  my  heart.  But — but  you  slighted  me,  you 
know  you  did  ever  since  you  became  so  rich  and  grand.  Whatever 
has  happened  is  all  your  own  fault — and — and  he  is  so  many  sizes 
bigger." 

" Polly  Windsor!"  I  exclaimed,  going  up  to  look  at  her.  "Have 
you  been  there  all  that  time  and  never  spoke  a  word  to  me?" 

"  Oh,  how  could  I  do  it  in  the  presence  of  spectators?  And  I 
-o  afraid  that  you  would  make  a  dreadful  scene  when  you 
heard  of  all  this  money  and  my  perfidy.  Oh  no,  you  must  never 
call  it  that,  dear  Tommy;  you  would  break  my  poor  heart.  When 
1  th ink  of  the  many  times  we  have  settled  almost  everything  sitting 
in  the  cleanest  of  the  cinder-holes — my  dress  and  yours,  and  what  the 
breakfast  was  to  be,  and  when  we  would  have  our  holidays — and 
now,  oh,  now  you  can  be  nothing  more  to  me  than  the  best  man,  if 
they  even  allow  you  to  be  that.  But  I  shall  insist  upon  it,  and  Bill, 
in  return,  may  settle  all  about  the  bridesmaids.  Oh,  here  they  come 
airain!  For  my  sake,  control  your  feelings." 

I  found  no  difficulty  at  all  in  doing  this,  and  was  heartily  glad 
when  I  got  at  last  to  the  kernel  of  the  story,  which  was  simply  this. 
Mrs.  Windsor,  who  had  always  spoken  very  highly  of  her  grand  con- 
nections,  had  an  uncle  well  posted  in  the  Custom-house,  and  for  many 
years  enjoying  fine  opportunities — such  as  they  seldom  seem  to  get 
there  now  —  of  making  clue  provision  for  the  benefit  of  himself. 
This  thoroughly  honest  old  gentleman  contrived,  by  strict  economy 
and  frugal  speculations,  to  die  of  the  value  of  more  than  half  a  plum; 
and  having  neither  chick  nor  stick  to  care  for,  had  left  the  sum  of  five- 
and  twenty  thousand  pounds,  to  be  divided  equally  between  lib  two 
god-daughters,  Polly  Windsor,  and  another  yet  more  distantly  re- 
lated, whose  name  I  have  forgotten,  but  can  find  out  if  required. 
It  must  not  be  supposed  for  a  moment  that  these  facts  had  any  in 
tluence  whatever  on  the  heart  of  our  Bill  Chumps,  which  had  found 
its  purer  half  and  more  exalted  aim  in  Polly  ever  since  he  p: 
his  little-go.  Still,  there  were  so  many  of  the  Windsor  family,  and 
soap  had  been  so  dull  of  late,  and  candles  had  looked  down  so  much, 
that  the  paternal  purveyor  of  meat  (more  stubborn  of  fibre  than  a 
Clare  market  steak)  steeled  his  heart  and  his  block-knife  against  an 


180  TOMMY  UPMORE. 

alliance  which  would  cost  a  fellowship  of  three  hundred  pounds  a 
year. 

Now  this  Custom-house  money  had  redressed  all  that.  Bill,  who 
was  sure  to  have  his  way  in  the  end,  as  he  always  had  done  hitherto, 
was  welcome  to  have  it  at  once,  with  the  blessing  of  the  slaying  and 
the  boiling  interest.  I  alone  was  to  be  left  in  the  cold,  and  sympathy 
was  felt  for  me  whenever  I  was  present.  But  no  sooner  was  I  gone 
than  I  found  out,  by  coming  back  at  once  for  my  walking-stick,  that 
everybody  laughed,  and  made  a  good  joke  of  it,  as  if  I  had  been  served 
quite  right,  and  taught  not  to  give  myself  airs — which  I  am  sure  I 
never  did!  And  this  imbued  me  wTith  such  a  sense  of  wrong  that  I 
declined  to  be  the  bride's  best  man  at  the  wedding,  any  more  than  I 
would  be  Bill's  bridesmaid;  and  instead  of  feeling  any  envy  for  him 
I  was  sorry,  being  morally  certain  that  he  would  pay  out  for  it.  For 
Polly  Windsor's  mother  had  a  temper  of  her  own,  as  my  dear  father 
(a  very  sound  judge  of  women)  had  said  in  my  presence  at  least  fifty 
times,  when  she  had  taken  up  her  glass  with  her  gloves  on,  a  thing  no 
right-minded  wroman  ever  likes  to  do.  And  such  things  can  seldom, 
or  I  might  say  never,  be  thrown  off  in  the  female  line. 

However,  it  was  no  concern  of  mine  what  sort  of  a  handful  Bill 
Chumps  had  got;  and  the  public  will  perceive  that  I  should  not  have 
gone  into  this  question  at  all,  as  I  have  been  obliged  to  do,  except  for 
the  stories  put  about  concerning  my  share  in  the  matter — which,  as 
you  see,  was  none !  But  no  sooner  does  a  man  become  highly  distin- 
guished in  politics — as  I  have  been  compelled  to  do — than  everything 
he  has  handled  (from  the  time  he  used  his  coral)  is  raked  up  and  ran- 
sacked and  rifled  against  him.  Fifty  times  have  I  been  charged  at 
elections,  and  five  times  in  the  House  itself,  by  Irish  members,  with 
having  jilted  the  daughter  of  a  brother  and  far  superior  soap-maker 
to  my  father!  It  is  below  my  dignity  to  explain  such  matters  at  the 
crisis  of  a  very  important  debate,  or  even  when  they  are  throwing 
eggs  at  me ;  but  I  do  hope,  that  now  having  set  down  the  facts  with 
every  word  ready  to  be  sworn  to,  I  have  heard  the  last  of  that  vile 
calumny. 


CHAPTER  XXXI. 

FREE-TRADE. 

WHEN  one  has  been  wronged  by  the  outer  world,  the  sooner  he 
gets  back  to  the  bosom  of  his  family  the  likelier  will  he  be  to  bear 
it  well ;  and  as  soon  as  the  champagne  was  finished  I  made  off.  It 
was  useless  to  be  in  any  hurry  with  old  Grip,  for  he  knew  how  un- 


TOMMY  UPMORK  181 

dignified  it  is  to  pant,  though  the  formal  cause  thereof  be  portliness; 
so  that  by  the  time  we  both  got  back  to  "  Placid  Bower"  my  mother 
had  boon  at  home  more  than  an  hour,  and  had  packed  Uncle  Will- 
iam off  to  bed. 

"Oh,  darling  Tommy,  so  weak  he  is,"  she  told  me,  as  soon  as  we 
had  heard  all  about  one  another  and  finished  dinner;  "  I  have  only 
got  to  hold  up  my  finger,  and  he  does  it.  And  I  know  the  day 
when  it  was,  '  Get  away,  Sophy;'  or, '  Do  you  think  I'd  put  up  with 
such — something — rubbish?'  or,  'Pack  up  my  traps  if  you  want  to 
try  that  game.'  And  he  seems  to  have  something  on  his  mind  that 
he  cannot  quite  bring  himself  to  tell  me,  in  the  few  times  when  he 
is  at  all  fit  to  do  it.  You  must  understand  that  he  goes  up  and 
down  pretty  regular,  according  to  the  time  of  day,  whenever  the 
weather  keeps  side  with  it.  Let  him  have  his  breakfast,  and  get  up 
at  his  leisure,  and  have  the  barber  in  to  shave  him,  and  the  doctor  to 
tell  him  that  his  pulse  is  better,  and  then  let  him  sit,  and  see  the  sun 
come  in,  even  through  a  shrubbery  of  chimney-pots,  and  tell  him 
that  he  shall  have  one  pipe,  supposing  he  manages  to  eat  his  dinner 
well,  and  you  should  see  how  happy  and  how  smiling  he  lies  back. 
But  as  soon  as  the  dusk  comes  on,  and  the  daylight  goes,  and  we 
can  find  no  star  to  show  him,  but  only  dull  lamps  in  the  narrowness 
of  the  streets,  then  he  seems  to  lose  all  hope  altogether,  and  turn 
over  on  his  back,  and  put  his  hands  together.  And  he  says,  '  Let 
me  die,  Sophy;  I  should  like  to  die,  if  I  thought  there  was  any  hope 
of  going  up  to  heaven.'  And  I  say  to  him, '  William,  don't  think  of 
such  dreadful  things;  you  are  not  an  old  man  yet,  you  know.'  And 
the n  he  looks  at  me  more  pitiful  than  you  could  endure,  if  you  had 
known  what  a  lively  boy  he  was  ;  and  he  doesn't  say  another  word, 
as  if  it  was  all  useless,  but  sighs  till  you  can  see  his  great  ribs  shake. 
Oh,  Tommy,  he  brings  me  down  so  low  sometimes  that  I  feel  only 
fit  to  see  a  clergyman." 

"Mother,  you  don't  look  at  all  like  yourself,"  I  answered,  for  she 
had  always  been  so  pleasant;  "you  never  must  give  way  to  such 
melancholy  thoughts.  Uncle  Bill  will  soon  be  better,  in  this  fine 
air  here,  and  we'll  show  him  the  sun  through  the  trees  every  morn- 
ing, and  the  cock  that  flies  up  into  the  weeping-ash  to  crow,  and  the 
lambs  on  the  hill,  that  have  just  been  shorn,  and  play  like  a  lot  of 
white  mice  in  the  distance.  And  then  in  the  evening,  if  he  iVds 
downhearted,  wi-'ll  shut  out  the  darkness  before  it  comes  on,  and 
light  up  the  gas  and  a  dozen  best  candles,  and  play  a  game  of  cards 
to  amuse  him,  or  tell  stories.  I  can  tell  stories  now,  like  fun,  of  all 
the  lurks  we  had  at  Oxford;  and  sailors  are  like  children,  so  easy  to 
amuse." 


182  TOMMY  UPMORE. 

"Well,  my  dear,"  said  mother, "we  will  do  the  best  we  can;  and 
your  cheerful  countenance  is  enough  to  scare  the  blues.  But  he  is 
not  long  for  this  world,  I  am  sure  of  that — poor  William  !  But  I  do 
feel  so  thankful  that  he  will  die  among  his  friends." 

"  Nonsense!"  I  replied,  for  I  had  not  seen  him  yet,  as  he  had  fall- 
en into  a  light  sleep  after  the  painful  journey,  "you  have  caught  the 
infection  of  his  lowness,  mother.  '  However  bad  the  case  is,  never 
pull  long  faces,'  as  you  used  to  sing  to  me  when  I  got  caned." 

But  when  I  went  to  look  at  Uncle  Bill  that  night,  as  he  lay  fast 
asleep  upon  his  little  narrow  bed — for  nothing  would  induce  him  to 
go  into  a  four-poster— I  felt  very  much  afraid  that  dear  mother  was 
too  right.  I  never  should  have  guessed  that  this  could  be  my  Uncle 
Bill,  of  whom  I  had  such  playful  memories,  and  to  whose  buoyant 
spirits  and  frolicsome  nature  nothing  had  ever  been  known  to  come 
amiss.  The  great  frame  was  there,  and  the  big  tarry  hands,  and  the 
brown  wrists  tattooed  with  a  true-lover's-knot  and  a  Union  Jack  and 
blue  anchors;  and  I  still  could  descry  the  short,  stubby  nose,  which 
used  to  give  such  a  merry  lift  to  his  mouth,  and  the  scar  on  his 
cheek,  that  filled  up  when  he  laughed,  as  to  my  recollection  he  was 
generally  doing.  For  if  ever  there  had  been  a  man  who  was  fond 
of  his  joke  it  was  my  Uncle  William.  But,  alas!  there  were  very 
few  more  for  him  now. 

In  the  morning  I  carried  his  bit  of  breakfast  up,  as  my  mother 
had  arranged  it  on  a  little  tea-tray;  but  he  took  a  long  time  to  make 
out  who  I  was,  though  my  mother,  of  course,  had  said  a  great  deal 
about  me. 

"Tommy?  What  Tommy?  I  remember  lots  of  Tommies,"  he 
said,  with  a  pleasant  smile  still  on  his  face,  although  it  was  so  gray 
and  wasted;  "there  was  Tommy  the  cook's  mate  on  board  the 
Saucy  Lass,  and  Tommy  the  cabin-boy  in  the  Erysipelas,  and  Tom- 
my the  cheating  old  nigger  at  Rio,  and  Tommy  that  had  the  dodge 
for  catching  flying-fish,  and  Tommy — " 

"No,  sir,  no;  your  own  nephew  Tommy.  Tommy  Upmore,  that 
used  to  be  a  little  boy  at  the  soap-works  when  you  came  back  from 
sea,  and  you  tossed  him  through  the  ceiling  and  his  head  stuck  fast. 
But  you  are  not  to  talk,  you  must  only  think  about  it." 

He  obeyed  me  like  a  child,  looking  at  me  now  and  then,  as  if  to 
refresh  his  memory,  while  I  held  the  teacup  to  his  lips,  and  put 
some  buttered  toast  into  his  mouth  between  whiles  ;  and  the  great 
jaws,  that  used  to  lift  a  kitchen-table,  could  scarcely  crush  the  soft 
toast  without  the  tea  to  help  them. 

"Mother  will  come  in  and  sit  with  you  now,"  I  said,  when  he 
had  eaten  as  much  as  he  could  manage,  "  and  at  eleven  o'clock  you 


TOMMY  UFMORE.  183 

have  a  bowl  of  soup  and  a  glass  of  port-wine,  and  after  that 
you  go  to  sleep.  We  are  not  going  to  bother  you  with  any  doc- 
tor, at  least  until  the  afternoon  ;  and  then,  perhaps,  Dr.  Flebotham, 
a  ver\  clever  man,  who  almost  saved  my  dear  father's  life,  wrill  look 
in  to  have  a  little  chat  with  you." 

"No,  Tommy,  no,"  he  answered,  looking  at  me  steadily,  as  if  his 
breakfast  had  supported  him;  "'twould  only  be  running  up  a  bill 
for  nothing,  and  your  mother  has  paid  a  deal  too  much  for  me  al- 
ready. But  she  shall  have  it  all  back  again,  my  boy,  and  a  pretty 
penny  on  the  top  of  it,  if  you  can  keep  a  secret.  I  can  call  you  to 
mind  pretty  clearly  now,  though  not  a  bit  like  what  you  used  to  be, 
except  for  the  swab  on  the  top  of  your  head.  Can  you  keep  a  se- 
cret, Tommy  boy?" 

"  Sir,"  I  replied,  with  my  eyes  upon  his  and  my  countenance  full 
of  decision,  "it  is  the  very  thing  that  I  have  always  been  most 
famous  for,  of  all  the  many  things  that  I  can  do." 

In  spite  of  this  very  strong  assurance  he  seemed  to  be  doubtful, 
as  if  I  had  said  too  much. 

How  can  you  be  famous  for  it, "he  asked,  perhaps  with  some 
reason,  "unless  you  are  accustomed  to  brag  about  them?  But  'tis 
Hobson's  choice  with  me,  Tommy,  between  you  and  your  mother; 
and  the  youngest  lad  is  safer  than  the  very  oldest  woman.  Get 
your  dear  mother  to  go  upon  an  errand — the  longer  the  better — 
when  I  am  at  my  best,  about  noon  of  the  day*  and  then  get  me  a 
pipe  to  improve  my  breath,  and  you  shall  know  what  there  is,  so 
far  as  I  can  fetch  my  wind  to  tell  it.  I  remember  all  about  you,  my 
lad.  now." 

I  put  my  lingers  to  my  lips  to  convince  him  what  an  enemy  I  was 
\eess  of  conversation,  and  I  saw  that  he  was  pleased,  and  it 
helped  to  satisfy  him  that  there  could  be  no  mistake  in  trusting  me; 
and  the  way  in  which  I  managed  to  get  my  mother  off  the  premises 
was  enough  to  establish  my  repute  in  this  way.  For  I  told  her, 
what  was  true,  that  after  all  the  many  years  Mrs.  Windsor  and  >he 
had  been  such  hearty  and  warm  friends,  never  falling  out— c\ 
once  for  three  years,  upon  the  question  whether  when  you  sew  a 
button  on  a  shirt  the  thread  should  be  wound  round  the  stitches  that 
pi  through  it.  before  fastening  off,  or  whether  (as  my  mother  said) 
that  docs  more  harm  than  good — after  all  this  staunch  and  uninter- 
rupted love,  it  would  seem  a  very  heartless  thing  on  her  side  if  she 
failed  to  set  off,  at  the  first  hour  allowed  by  good-breeding  for  a  call 
(which  in  Maiden  Lane  was  always  eleven  o'clock,  except  upon  a 
washing-day),  and  congratulate  her  cordially,  and  find  out  everything 
about  the  engagement  of  Polly  to  Bill  ('humps. 


184  TOMMY  UPMORK, 

My  dear  mother  was  quite  as  eager  to  do  this  as  I  to  persuade 
her  of  the  duty  of  it,  supposing  only  that  Uncle  Bill  could  get  on 
without  her  for  two  hours  and  a  half.  Two  hours  and  a  half  meant 
five,  I  knew;  for  two  hours  at  least  would  be  spent  in  cabs,  inas- 
much as  my  mother  never  got  into  a  cab  without  making  the  driver 
go  all  the  way  according  to  her  own  directions.  This  being  to  him 
an  increase  of  income,  he  was  glad  to  navigate  accordingly,  and  en- 
joyed a  geographical  lecture  at  the  end  of  the  journey,  which  was 
worth  another  shilling  to  him.  For  my  dear  mother  felt  a  great 
truth,  which  has  never  been  properly  felt  by  our  school-boards,  so 
that  the  foundation  of  their  scheme  is  rotten,  viz.,  that  people  must 
be  paid  for  learning — which  is  perhaps  the  saddest  trial  of  the  hu- 
man life. 

Uncle  Bill  should  have  been  depressed  and  frightened  by  this  first 
parting  from  his  kindly,  watchful  nurse;  but  he  took  quite  a  differ- 
ent view  of  the  matter,  and  resolved  to  have  all  the  pipes  that  he 
could  get,  and  a  glass  of  hot  grog,  with  the  window  open. 

"  Surely  it  is  bad  for  you,  sir,"  I  said. 

But  he  answered,  "My  son,  what  do  you  know  about  it?  I  am 
making  my  accounts  up  for  a  better  world,  and  what  good-will  can 
I  hope  for  if  I  cast  them  up  all  dry?" 

As  soon  as  he  had  made  himself-  quite  comfortable  with  an  ounce 
of  best  bird's-eye  and  three  clean  pipes,  and  the  appearance  of  more 
rum  not  far  off,  he  said, ' '  Tommy,  lock  the  door,  and  put  the  key 
beneath  the  baccy-box,  and  let  me  know  if  your  dear  mother  hap- 
pens to  turn  back,  for  women  are  very  liable  to  do  that  sort  of  thing. 
Very  well,  now  come  and  sit  close  by  me.  I  can't  spin  a  long  yarn, 
for  want  of  wind,  nor  yet  a  very  plain  one,  but  you  must  help  it  out. 

' '  About  three  years  ago,  after  knocking  about  in  a  lot  of  little 
craft  in  the  Indian  seas,  sometimes  up  and  sometimes  down,  accord- 
ing to  the  fortunes  of  seafaring  men,  I  was  skipper  of  a  schooner 
in  the  sponge  and  coral  trade,  or  the  Beachymess,  or  anything  that 
might  turn  up,  from  a  terrapin  to  a  tarpaulin,  as  we  say.  We  were 
trading  with  the  natives  between  whiles,  every  man  on  his  own 
hook,  with  his  own  ventures,  while  we  waited  for  the  supercargo's 
orders,  according  as  he  landed  to  get  freight.  And  not  being  full, 
he  took  us  to  the — well,  never  mind  what  islands,  but  a  very  savage 
part,  where  the  people  are  idolaters  and  cannibals.  Here  there  was 
a  settlement  of  white  men,  hailing  from  every  land  under  the  sun, 
almost,  where  it  doesn't  turn  them  black  and  make  niggers  of  them. 
As  lazy  a  lot  as  could  be  found  pretty  well,  but  they  kept  them- 
selves with  fire-arms  against  the  natives,  and  collected  goods  for 
shipment  in  a  fort  they  had  set  up. 


TOMMY  UPMORK  185 

"We  had  orders  from  the  factor,  who  was  also  part  owner  of  the 
craft,  whose  name  was  the  Saucy  Lass,  to  leave  him  at  the  fort  for 
a  couple  of  days,  while  we  made  the  opposite  coast,  about  three 
leagues  off,  to  traffic  for  ourselves  if  we  could,  and  to  lay  in  provi- 
sions and  our  stock  of  water ;  for  the  water  at  the  fort,  though  very 
good  while  fresh,  would  not  keep  three  days  in  cask  when  out  at 
sea.  He  showed  us  where  beautiful  water  could  be  got,  and  plenty 
of  cassavas,  yams,  and  such  like,  and  fruit  none  of  us  knew  the 
names  of.  But  he  warned  us  to  be  on  our  guard,  and  stand  off  at 
night,  and  keep  the  brass  guns  loaded,  for  the  natives  of  that  island 
were  much  worse  than  this;  and  these  were  bad  enough,  in  all  con- 
science. There  was  no  reef  between  the  two  islands,  but  one  enor- 
mous reef  round  both  of  them,  with  water  as  clear  as  plate-glass  in- 
side, and  a  light  air,  and  sands  that  shone  like  snow. 

' '  We  found  the  pretty  stream  of  good  water  as  he  told  us,  and 
began  to  take  in  our  supply  with  the  boats,  for  we  carried  more 
hands  than  is  usual  aboard  a  schooner  of  three  hundred  tons,  sev- 
eral having  shipped  without  much  wages,  on  the  chance  of  doing 
something  for  themselves.  And  there  was  not  a  Lascar  among  them, 
but  mostly  British,  and  two  or  three  Germans,  so  that  we  were  not 
afraid  of  half  a  thousand  savages,  without  treachery  or  surprise  or 
some  other  dirty  trick. 

"  But  the  part  where  we  landed  showed  no  sign  at  first  of  having 
any  living  creatures  upon  it  bigger  than  wild  pigs  and  goats,  and  an 
animal  something  like  a  hare,  that  was  very  good  eating ;  and  the 
quantity  of  fruit  upon  the  trees  was  such  that  most  of  us  found 
ourselves  doubled  up  with  colic.  But  I  served  out  a  good  supply 
of  cordials  for  that,  and  afterwards  the  fine  appearance  of  the 
place,  and  the  softness  of  the  air,  and  the  color  of  the  ground  (which 
was  almost  as  good  as  a  meadow  to  us)  seemed  to  make  us  sleepy 
and  inclined  to  lie  about. 

"  And  it  would  not  be  true  of  me  to  tell  you,  Tommy,  that  I  was 
the  breadth  of  a  rope's-end  better  than  the  hands  put  under  mr.  1 
never  was  very  strong  for  discipline,  from  knowing  that  I  should  not 
like  to  have  it  done  to  me,  and  being  more  used  to  come  under  it 
than  over  it,  according  to  the  want  of  luck  and  money.  But  we 
happened  to  have  a  very  good  Scotch  mate,  whose  name  was  Rob 
McAlister. 

"  '  Captain,'  he  says  to  me,  when  I  was  lying  easy  on  a  bank  of 
some  stuff  that  was  as  soft  as  feathers,  and  wishing  I  had  someb<  ><1\ 
to  fill  my  pipe  and  light  it — '  captain,  it  misgi'es  me  much,  but  we 
be  o'erfeckless.' 

"  '  You  go  to  Jericho,  Rob,'  I  answrn-d.  '  or  fill  my  pipe  first  and 


186  TOMMY  UPMORE. 

strike  me  a  light,  and  then  go  to  the  top  of  that  rock  and  look 
out.' 

"Before  I  had  finished  my  pipe  he  came  back  and  told  me  that 
the  woods  were  so  thick  inland  that  they  might  hold  a  thousand 
people  without  showing  one.  But  he  felt  almost  sure  that  he  had 
heard  a  screech,  not  of  a  bird  or  wild  beast,  but  a  man;  and  this 
made  me  pay  some  attention,  because  I  knew  that  his  hearing  was 
wonderfully  sharp;  for  he  had  saved  us  once  by  hearing  breakers 
through  a  full  gale  of  wind  at  night,  when  no  other  man  could  per- 
ceive the  sound. 

"  '  Call  the  hands  together  and  draw  down  to  the  boats,'  was  the 
order  I  gave;  '  I  shall  be  down  there  myself  by  the  time  you  have 
got  them  ready.'  But  wiiether  I  fell  off  to  sleep  or  what  is  more 
than  I  can  tell;  only  one  thing  is  certain,  the  men  were  at  the  boats 
before  I  was  near  them,  and  before  I  had  begun  to  think  at  all  about 
it.  Then  they  sent  a  lad  to  fetch  me  whose  name  was  Tommy,  un- 
derstrapper to  the  cook;  but,  before  he  could  find  me,  a  terrible 
scream  made  me  sit  up  and  look  round.  Upon  the  slope  behind  me 
were  a  lot  of  darkies  running,  and  in  front  of  them  a  white  man  fly- 
ing for  his  life,  who  had  clearly  caught  sight  of  our  boats  just  when 
his  case  seemed  altogether  hopeless. 

"Our  men  had  seen  him,  and  were  pushing  out  a  little,  while 
others  waved  their  guns  and  shouted  to  him  to  put  on  his  last  bit  of 
speed  and  they  would  save  him.  From  the  place  where  they  stood 
they  could  see  the  great  multitude  of  his  pursuers,  which  I  could 
not  do;  and  this  made  me  wrong  them,  in  thinking  them  cowards 
for  not  coming  up  the  hill  to  help.  Meanwhile  he  was  coming  clown 
the  hill  with  his  breath  too  short  to  be  used,  and  his  heart  pumped 
out,  and  his  naked  legs  covered  with  blood,  and  his  face  as  white  as 
birch-bark  and  as  resolute  as  iron.  Three  of  his  pursuers  were  in 
front  of  the  rest,  and  not  more  than  thirty  yards  behind  him,  and 
each  bore  a  javelin,  which  he  would  not  throw  yet  for  fear  of  miss- 
ing aim  in  the  rush  of  it.  None  of  them  had  seen  me  where  I  sat 
and  watched  them  through  the  bush  that  sheltered  me. 

' '  I  saw  that  they  must  pass  within  a  few  yards  of  my  lair,  so  I 
crawled  behind  a  tree  which  was  feathered  with  some  creepers,  and 
there  stood  upright  with  my  double-barrelled  shot-gun,  which  I 
luckily  had  brought  for  the  chance  of  game.  Then  I  gave  a  little 
whistle,  and  the  flying  man  descried  me,  and  turned  in  that  direc- 
tion. '  Don't  stop,'  I  whispered,  and  he  saw  what  I  meant,  and  con- 
tinued down  the  hill  as  if  he  had  not  seen  me.  Then,  as  his  three 
pursuers  rushed  past  the  tree,  I  let  out  with  my  fist  at  the  left  ear  of 
the  nearest  one  and  sent  him  sprawling;  then  I  shot  the  two  others 


TOMMY  UPMORE.  187 

as  dead  as  a  door-nail  before  they  could  turn  to  lance  me.  Big  lim- 
ber fellows  they  were  both ;  one  of  them  fell  forward  on  his  head, 
and  turned  a  somersault  down  the  steep  ridge  he  was  so  hastily  de- 
scending. 

"  'On  for  your  life!'  I  cried,  'you  are  too  blown  to  fight.  Tell 
the  mate  to  come  with  half  a  dozen  men  to  meet  me.'  He  doubted 
for  a  moment  about  leaving  me ;  but  seeing  me  loading  again  in  all 
.  and  the  rest  of  his  pursuers  standing  still  in  great  amazement, 
on  he  went,  and  I  could  hear  him  panting  down  the  hill.  Then,  as 
soon  as  I  had  loaded,  I  made  after  him  with  speed ;  seeing  which,  the 
other  savages  set  up  a  fearful  whoop,  and  came  rushing  down  the 
hill,  perhaps  three  hundred  altogether.  Two  javelins  hissed  over 
my  head;  and  then  I  turned,  and,  dropping  on  my  knee,  sent  two 
heavy  loads  of  duck-shot  right  into  the  faces  of  the  foremost.  This 
dropped  three  or  four  of  them,  and  the  rest  stopped  again,  as  if  they 
had  never  seen  a  thing  like  this  before,  and  the  roar  of  the  gun 
among  the  rocks  was  not  a  trifle.  Without  stopping  to  load  again, 
ou  I  hastened,  and  met  Rob  and  six  sturdy  fellows  eager  for  a  shot. 

"  'Not  yet/  I  cried,  'not  until  we  are  aboard;  and  then  let  us 
give  them  a  general  salute.' 

"All  saw  the  force  of  this;  and  as  soon  as  we  had  lifted  the  poor 
runaway  into  my  boat  we  pushed  off,  when  somebody  exclaimed, 
•  Vv'hy,  wherever  is  poor  Tommy?'  It  was  this  boy's  scream  which 
had  so  luckily  aroused  me;  and  then,  in  his  terror,  he  had  tumbled 
on  a  rock,  and  lay  there  stunned  until  the  present  moment.  Tom- 
my was  a  favorite  with  every  one,  and  it  was  impossible  to  leave 
him  to  be  killed ;  so  the  mate  and  two  others  volunteered  to  go  and 
fetch  him,  although  it  was  no  small  danger,  because  the  savages 
had  rallied,  and  were  coming  on  again.  But  we  sat  ready,  with  our 
guns  presented,  and  misliking,  perhaps,  the  look  of  them,  the  villains 
hesitated.  So  our  three  men  brought  poor  Tommy  to  the  water's 
edge,  and  we  gave  them  a  good  cheer,  which  they  heartily  deserved. 
We  saw  little  Tommy  hoisted  on  the  back  of  Rob  McAlister,  for  his 
legs  had  quite  failed  him;  and  just  as  we  were  stretching  out  our 
arms  to  ease  him  in,  the  savages  let  fly  at  us  a  volley  of  their  javelins. 

"  '  Give  it  them!'  I  cried,  and  every  gun  rang  out  with  a  fine  blaze 
of  fire,  for  the  evening  was  set  in.  Away  scampered  every  baccy- 
colored  skin  that  could,  for  at  least  half  a  score  of  them  could  move 
no  more.  But,  alas  !  they  had  done  for  our  poor  little  Tommy.  A 
javelin  had  passed  through  his  loin  and  pinned  him  to  the  brave 
mate's  shoulder,  so  that  he  was  dead  in  about  five  minutes.  Our 
men  were  so  enraged  that  they  longed  to  land  again  and  go  after  the 
savages;  but  I  would  not  allow  it,  with  night  coming  on  and  two 


188  TOMMY  UPMORK 

of  our  number  wounded.  So  we  made  for  the  Saucy  Lass  and  got 
on  board,  tired  with  our  day's  work,  and  very  sad  about  poor  little 
Tommy.  Now,  my  lad,  I  am  not  come  to  the  chief  part  yet,  but  I 
can't  tell  any  more  for  coughing  now.  Find  something  for  your 
mother  to  be  off  about  to-morrow,  and  perhaps,  if  you  behave  your- 
self, you  shall  hear  the  rest  of  it." 


CHAPTER  XXXII. 

A    PAIR    OF    BLUE    EYES. 

MY  mother,  who  was  very  sharp  about  some  things,  could  not  have 
failed  to  discover  from  me,  or  else  from  Uncle  Bill,  who  was  as  sim- 
ple as  a  child,  that  he  had  spent  a  long  time  in  telling  me  a  portion 
of  one  of  his  manifold  adventures,  which  recalled  to  my  mind  once 
or  twice  the  rare  doings  of  that  grandest  of  all  rovers,  Captain  Rob- 
inson Crusoe.  But  when  she  returned  from  a  very  long  visit  to  Mrs. 
Windsor,  she  had  such  a  quantity  not  only  to  tell,  but  to  give  her 
own  opinion  on,  and  to  get  it  confirmed  by  mine  (whenever  she 
could  stop),  that  it  was  next  to  impossible  for  her  to  look  about,  as 
she  generally  did,  or  even  wait  to  be  talked  to,  unless  it  was  about 
the  matter  she  was  so  wrapped  up  in.  And  she  declared  that  she 
had  not  heard  a  quarter  of  it  yet,  being  forced  by  her  duties  here  to 
come  away  abruptly — though  she  could  not  have  had  less  than  five 
hours  there,  however  well  she  steered  the  cabman — and  if  she  could 
only  be  sure  that  her  dear  invalid  would  not  miss  her  so  very  much, 
she  had  promised  to  go  again,  and  give  her  very  humble  advice 
about  many  things  to-morrow.  It  was  very  painful  for  her — she 
confessed  that  freely — when  she  remembered  what  might  have  been ; 
and  £12,125  might  better  have  stopped  in  the  boiling  connection 
than  gone  into  the  meat  trade,  to  buy  up  opposition.  However,  her 
dear  boy  would  not  break  his  heart ;  had  he  cared  to  come  forward, 
he  might  have  put  a  spoke  in  somebody's  wheel,  and  there  always 
had  been  something  about  Polly  which  she  would  be  the  last  to  re- 
mind her  mother  of. 

When  the  coast  was  quite  clear,  as  Captain  William  expressed  it, 
after  looking  down  the  "drive,"  as  we  called  it  (which  was  very 
nearly  twelve  yards  long  whenever  the  gate  was  opened  outward), 
and  receiving  a  wave  from  a  new  white  handkerchief — for  my  dear 
mother  had  taken  three  that  day,  having  wept  into  her  cap-strings 
yesterday — he  made  his  preparations,  or  directed  me  to  make  them, 
for  a  very  long  voyage  in  the  narrative  trade.  He  had  three  pipes 


TOMMY  UPMORE.  189 

ready,  not  to  smoke  them  hot,  for  fear  of  any  tendency  towards 
coughing,  and  a  glass  of  "regulation,"  to  be  served  •when  he  made 
signal,  and  his  little  spy-glass  handy,  that  he  might  see  the  'bus  from 
llampstead  at  a  turn  of  the  road  a  long  way  up  the  bill;  and  he  al- 
ways expected  to  see  sailors  on  it;  and  if  he  saw  one  he  would  be 
sure  to  •drink  his  health. 

"Tommy," he  said,  in  a  determined  tone,  " I  mean  to  have  a  quid, 
and  no  mistake.  It  is  six  months  now  since  I  have  had  a  quid.  In 
the  pocket  of  that  coat  behind  the  door — " 

"  But,  sir,"  I  answered,  looking  at  him  with  surprise,  "you  have 
been  most  strictly  forbidden  to  do  it.  You  spoke  of  it  yesterday, 
and  Dr.  Flebotham  said  that  congestion  at  least  might  ensue.  Try 
to  wait  till  mother  comes;  and  if  she  allows  it — " 

"Don't  be  crafty,  Tommy,  now.  I  hate  crafty  people.  Your 
mother  would  never  allow  it,  you  know  well,  and  my  only  chance 
for  it  is  when  she  is  gone  away.  Do  as  I  tell  }TOU.  I  am  the  skipper 
here.  Mutiny,  indeed,  from  a  younker  just  shipped!  You  won't 
hoar  another  word  until  you  bring  my  knife  from  the  pocket  with 
the  yellow  button  to  it,  and  a  cake  of  Cavendish  from  the  little  mid- 
ship locker.  Very  good;  now  cut  where  I  scar  my  nail.  It's  not 
so  much  the  comfort  of  it  that  I  want,  as  to  keep  the  throat  juicy 
and  prevent  me  coughing,  from  hauling  so  many  dry  words  out  of 
my  hold.  Very  well  done,  Tommy;  I  shall  promote  you.  Now, 
where  did  I  break  my  yarn  off?" 

"About  your  all  getting  safe  into  the  ship,  sir,  with  two  men 
wrounded  and  poor  little  Tommy  dead.  And  you  said  you  hadn't 
come  to  the  best  part  yet,  though  I  thought  it  was  very  good  indeed 
already." 

"  "Well,  my  son,  you  shall  hear  the  rest  of  it,  and  judge.  As  soon 
as  we  had  brought  ourselves  round  with  victuals,  for  the  sake  of  the 
hard  day  we  had  boon  through,  I  sent  for  the  man  we  had  rescued, 
and  hold  a  long  talk  with  him  in  my  cabin.  As  yet  I  have  only 
been  able  to  meet  with  two  men  who  had  the  gift  of  gratitude,  and 
both  of  those  happened  to  be  Welshmen.  The  name  of  this  man 
was  Kces  Edwards,  and  a  smarter  hand  never  went  aloft.  "Welsh- 
men, as  a  rule,  arc  not  first-rate  seamen;  but  when  they  are  good, 
they  beat  everything;  and  Hees  Edwards  was  the  best  of  them  I 
ever  eame  across.  His  last  trip  had  been  in  an  American  bark  called 
the  Eun\  r,  engaged  in  the  Beachymess  and  sponge  trade among  these 
Pacille  islands.  She  had  struck  in  the  night  on  the  groat  coral  reef 
surrounding  theso  two  islands,  and  a  Miiart  hroe/.e  from  seaward  set- 
ting in,  they  had  found  it  impossible  to  haul  her  off.  A  beavy  sea 
got  up,  and  she  broached  to,  with  the  rocks  grinding  through  her 


190  TOMMY  UPMORE. 

timbers.  But  the  crew  contrived  to  launch  their  boats,  and,  finding 
a  passage  through  the  reef,  made  land,  and  were  very  soon  surround- 
ed by  the  natives. 

' '  These  fellows  shammed  to  be  as  good  as  gold  at  first  (though  of 
course  they  knew  nothing  of  their  lingo),  and  supplied  them  with 
food,  and  gave  them  huts  to  live  in,  and  laid  themselves  out  to  be 
obliging;  so  that  the  castaways,  eighteen  in  number,  began  to  go 
about  the  place  as  if  they  were  at  home,  and  prepared,  with  the 
rough  tools  they  could  make,  to  build  a  craft  big  enough  to  carry 
them  away.  But  suddenly  two  of  their  number  were  missing,  and 
then  two  more,  and  then  another  couple ;  and  the  natives  endeavored 
to  persuade  them  by  signs  that  these  had  only  wandered  away  into 
the  woods,  and  would  soon  find  their  way  home  again.  The  sur- 
viving dozen  did  their  best  to  hope  so,  but  took  more  care  to  keep 
together,  and  not  to  go  abroad  at  all  at  night. 

"But  very  soon  they  found  out  the  horrible  meaning  of  it;  for 
suddenly  the  savages,  having  lost  all  patience,  with  their  appetites 
whetted  by  the  relish  of  white  flesh,  fell  upon  them  in  the  night  and 
killed  them  all  but  three,  leaving  nothing  but  their  bones  by  the 
morrow  night.  Those  three  they  kept  alive,  because  they  were  too 
thin,  until  they  fattened  up  two,  and  devoured  them.  The  third, 
and  last,  was  our  friend  Rees  Edwards,  who  fell  into  a  melancholy 
frame  of  mind,  and  refused  to  grow  eatable  upon  any  kind  of  ration. 
So  they  put  him  in  the  temple  where  they  kept  their  chief  idol,  be- 
lieving that  this  would  improve  his  texture,  and  consecrating  him 
to  be  sacrificed,  whether  he  were  fat  or  whether  he  were  lean,  upon 
the  appearance  of  the  following  moon. 

"Edwards,  however,  was  a  very  clever  fellow;  and  pretending  to 
be  altogether  resigned  to  his  fate,  obtained  some  privileges,  as  a  holy 
man  now,  and  devoted  to  the  glory  of  their  great  idol,  Jumbling.  He 
kept  a  sharp  watch  upon  the  moon  as  well,  and  took  strengthening 
victuals  as  he  saw  her  getting  thinner.  He  had  learned  a  good  deal 
of  their  lingo  by  this  time,  and  found  out  from  them  about  the  white 
man's  fort  over  against  the  farther  end  of  that  island.  And  the  very 
night  before  the  new  moon  would  appear  he  slipped  through  a  hole, 
which  he  had  long  been  boring  in  the  mud  wall  of  the  joss-house, 
and  escaped  into  the  woods,  with  a  long  start  of  his  enemies.  He 
made  his  way  eastward  by  the  stars  till  sunrise,  and  eastward  the 
whole  of  the  following  day,  with  his  enemies  upon  his  track,  as  you 
have  heard  already. 

'"Now,  captain,'  he  said,  when  his  tale  was  finished,  'you 
have  done  me  the  best  turn  one  man  can  do  another,  and  I  wish 
I  could  make  you  some  small  return.  Jumbilug  is  the  finest  worn- 


TOMMY  UPMORE.  191 

an  I  ever  saw,  and  it  would  not  be  so  very  hard  to  run  away  with 
her.' 

"I  told  him  that  this  was  not  in  my  line  at  all,  having  always 
been  shy  of  the  sex,  except  to  make  a  joke  or  pass  a  compliment. 
But  he  laughed,  and  said, 

"  'No  fear  of  her  tongue,  captain,  although  she  has  got  a  very 
handsome  one;  and  her  teeth  are  all  pearls,  and  her  lips  are  coral, 
and  her  eyes  are  as  blue  as  the  sky,  and  much  brighter,  and  her  hair 
is  spun  gold ;  you  never  saw  such  a  beauty. ' 

'"I  don't  care  a  d — n  for  all  that, 'I  replied;  'a  woman  aboard  is 
the  devil  himself.' 

"But  when  I  found rthat  all  these  beauties  were  real,  and  could 
have  no  deception  about  them  (because  the  fair  woman  was  made 
of  wood),  I  became  very  eager  to  possess  these  charms,  if  it  might  be 
done  without  foolhardiness.  Edwards  assured  me  that  with  a  lit- 
tle dash  and  management  it  might  well  be  done,  for  Ju'mbHnrfs 
house  was  a  good  bit  away  from  the  town  of  these  savages,  and  very 
near  the  sea.  And  if  we  desired  to  punish  the  barbarians — as  every 
man  John  of  us  burned  to  do — for  the  murder  of  poor  little  Tommy, 
and  the  massacre,  roasting,  and  devouring  of  seventeen  helpless 
white  men,  nothing  could  be  such  a  desperate  blow  to  them  as  to 
lose  their  idol;  for  generation  after  generation  had  spent  their  best 
treasures  in  adorning  her. 

"  'If  she's  worth  a  penny,  she's  worth  £50,000;  and  they'd  rather 
lose  their  biggest  chief,  and  all  their  wives  and  daughters.  I'm  no 
judge  of  jewels,  captain,  but  her  eyes  are  something  to  beat  all 
female  embellishment.  They  come  after  you  all  over  the  place,  and 
the}'  shine  by  night  like  a  million  fire-flies.  The  tradition  of  the 
people  is,  that  they  were  brought  by  a  bird  with  great  wings  from 
a  country  far  away — perhaps  an  old  trading  ship  from  Borneo. 
Anyhow,  there  they  are;  and  the  pearls  of  teeth  as  big  as  my  thumb, 
pretty  nearly;  and  the  tongue  some  red  jewel  they  pick  out  of  the 
rocks;  and  the  hair  spun  gold,  almost  down  to  her  waist;  and  the 
whole  of  the  breast  covered  up  with  fine  pearls — ah,  you  should  have 
her  when  the  full  moon  shone,  as  it  did  upon  the  night  when  I 
was  dedicated  !' 

••  ThU  description,  my  dear  Tommy,  produced  a  very  fine  effect 
upon  my  mind.  I  have  heard  your  dear  mother  say,  a  hundred 
times,  that  nothing  is  so  elevating  to  the  male  nature  as  admiration 
of  a  virtuous  female.  And  where  could  I  hope  to  find  any  female 
half  so  virtuous  as  Juinf>ilurif  But  I  cautioned  Kees  Edwards  not 
to  let  our  fellows  know  what  the  value  of  this  fair  maiden  was. 
'"You  are  right,'  he  made  answer— 'we  should  lose  half  her 


192  TOMMY  UPMORE. 

pearls,  though  the  other  things  won't  come  out  easily  at  all.  When 
the  priest  was  asleep  one  night  I  just  ventured  to  feel  the  bright  tip 
of  her  tongue;  but  it  was  firm,  anchored  in  good  holding  ground. 
We  must  have  a  scheme  to  bring  her  off  entire,  and  not  let  them 
know  that  we  do  it  for  her  value,  but  for  the  outrage  and  cruelty 
of  them.  All  that  we  can  plan  out  afterwards ;  but  first  find  out 
whether  they  are  up  for  it.  Of  course,  if  they  are  not,  we  can't 
drive  them  to  it.' 

"I  questioned  our  fellows  about  this  matter,  and  found  them  not 
only  quite  ready,  but  eager,  and  I  might  say  wild,  to  go  forth  upon 
this  venture.  And  that  not  only  for  the  spree,  as  sailors  call  it, 
but  with  the  prospect  combined  of  revenge  for  the  loss  of  little 
Tommy,  and  of  punishing  niggers  for  eating  superior  flesh,  and  of 
bringing  back  snug  bits  of  plunder  on  their  own  account.  For  I 
promised  them  everything  they  could  lay  hold  of  and  carry  away, 
except  Jumbling  herself — not  for  her  value,  as  I  told  them  plainly, 
but  as  a  curiosity  for  a  museum,  which  might  even  give  me  fifty 
pounds  for  her.  They  knew  that  I  had  never  been  a  greedy  man, 
and  they  promised  to  give  me  some  of  their  own  share  if  it  should 
be  worth  my  acceptance. 

"Being  hard-set  for  time,  we  resolved  to  do  it  on  the  very  next 
night,  having  made  up  our  minds  to  keep  our  allies  at  the  fort  out- 
side it,  because  of  the  claims  they  might  set  up.  There  would  be  no 
moon,  and  those  wretched  man-eaters  would  be  all  fast  asleep,  as 
Rees  Edwards  told  us,  within  two  hours  after  sunset.  They  might 
have  set  a  watch  upon  the  schooner,  but  they  could  not  see  boats  at 
that  distance  from  the  shore,  and  they  had  no  canoes  on  this  side  of 
the  point.  So  we  left  the  wounded  men  to  mind  the  craft,  with  the 
two  brass  carronades  loaded,  and  slipped  off,  all  in  the  yawl  this 
time,  ten  of  us  I  think,  besides  the  Welshman,  with  muffled  oars  and 
guns  loaded. 

"By  water  the  distance  was  less  than  by  land,  and  with  Rees  Ed- 
wards steering  we  made  the  land  right  under  the  joss-house  in  about 
three  hours.  It  was  very  dark  here,  for  the  starlight  was  shut  out 
by  trees  overhanging  the  water;  and  leaving  two  hands  to  mind  the 
yawl  and  just  keep  her  afloat — for  all  was  calm  as  a  duck-pool — nine 
of  us  landed  with  guns  and  axes,  and  without  a  word  made  for  the 
temple. 

"We  found  the  very  hole  by  which  Edwards  had  escaped,  only 
roughly  stopped  with  brushwood,  which  we  removed  quietly;  and 
then  the  Welshman  entered  and  went  round  the  place,  knowing 
every  corner  of  it,  as  soft  as  a  mouse,  and  then  came  back  and 
whispered, 


TOMMY  UPMORE.  193 

"  '  Only  the  old  priest  here,  and  he's  snoring  in  the  lobby.  Cap- 
tain, come  in,  and  the  rest  wait  signal.'  This  had  been  settled  be- 
tween us ;  and  first  we  gagged  the  old  priest  and  corded  him,  for  he 
was  not  a  bad  fellow  compared  with  some,  and  had  been  pretty  good 
to  his  captive ;  then  we  rolled  up  Jumbilug,  whose  eyes  were  spar- 
kling, in  a  piece  of  sail-cloth  which  I  had  brought  for  the  purpose, 
and  we  lashed  it  round  her  ankles  and  above  her  golden  hair.  Then 
we  ran  to  the  front  gate  and  let  in  our  fellows,  and  they  struck  a 
light  and  looked  about  them. 

"  There  was  plenty  of  glitter,  and  a  lot  of  little  images  and  Brum- 
magem beads  and  bits  of  glass  and  such  like,  but  very  little  gold, 
except  Jumbilug' s  own — for  the  island  produced  none,  I  dare  say. 
However,  there  were  pearls  upon  almost  every  image,  and  a  lot  of 
lovely  shells  and  shining  spar  and  coral.  Every  man  took  whatever 
caught  his  eye,  while  Edwards  and  myself  lifted  Jumbling,  who  was 
about  five  feet  long,  from  her  pedestal,  and  carried  her — though  she 
was  a  precious  weight — to  the  boat,  and  laid  her  in  the  stern-sheets. 
Then  we  ran  back  and  fetched  out  our  men,  for  fear  of  accidents, 
and  all,  well-laden,  made  oil  in  high  feather.  And  it  was  high  time 
I  can  tell  you,  Master  Tommy,  for  we  heard  a  tremendous  row  be- 
fore we  turned  the  point,  screeching  and  wailing  and  the  shrieks  of 
women.  Perhaps  they  had  seen  our  lights  up  in  the  village,  which 
was  not  more  than  half  a  mile  away,  and  the  building  had  windows 
in  the  dome  made  of  talc,  or  some  such  half-transparent  stuff.  We 
were  heartily  pleased  with  our  job,  and  gave  them  three  cheers  for 
their  liberality. 

"In  the  morning  we  made  sail  for  the  fort,  all  pledged  to  say 
nothing  about  our  exploit,  even  to  the  factor,  but  every  man  stow- 
ing away  his  own  loot  without  any  quarrelling  about  it,  and  of 
course  giving  proper  share  to  those  outside.  But  when  Rees  Ed- 
wards came  into  my  cabin  and  we  unrolled  Jumbilug  privately,  I 
can  tell  you  that  I  stared  as  I  never  stared  before  at  any  female  fig- 
ure. She  was  ten  times  as  gorgeous  as  he  had  descril>ed  her,  and 
the  wealth  of  whole  ages  was  in  and  upon  her.  I  insisted  that  Ed- 
wards should  take  his  fair  share,  though  he  laid  no  claim  to  any- 
thin!.':.  We  stood  her  uprisrht  airainst  the  bulkhead,  as  hand«>mo 
as  paint  and  as  bright  as  a  star;  and  then  we  looked  at  her,  and  sho 
looked  at  us,  as  if  begging  us  not  to  spoil  her  beauty. 

"'First  choice  to  you,  captain,'  said  the  Welshman;  but  I  an- 
swered, 'No,  let  us  toss  for  it;'  and  so  we  did,  and  I  won,  and  madn 
choice  of  her  eyes.  Ami  then  we  went  on.  turn  and  turn,  until  there 
was  nothing  left  but  the  wooden  block;  and  even  that  was  very 
clever,  I  can  tell  you,  and  would  fetch  fifty  pounds  for  a  museum,  I 

13 


194  TOMMY  UPMORK 

believe.  He  got  the  teeth,  which  I  was  very  glad  of — a  dozen  large 
pearls  half  as  big  as  my  thumb — but  I  got  the  golden  hair,  and  made 
a  present  of  it,  all  except  one  lock,  to  Rob  McAlister,  who  was 
prouder  of  it  than  of  his  sweetheart.  Also  I  got — but  there,  what's 
the  use  of  talking  of  it?  You  have  heard  what  careless  scattergoods 
all  honest  sailors  are.  There  is  nothing  left  of  all  of  it  but  only 
these  here;  and  they'd  have  gone  long  ago  but  for  being  in  my 
caul." 

Uncle  William  sighed  a  little  at  the  end  of  his  long  yarn,  as  if  he 
should  never  spin  such  another,  and  then  from  inside  the  blue 
woollen  thing  he  wore  on  the  hoops  of  his  ribs  out  he  pulled  a  little 
packet,  something  (like  a  worn-out  piece  of  bladder  from  a  jam-pot) 
rolled,  and  tied  with  yellow  silk. 

"  Open  it  yourself,"  he  said,  "  but  have  a  care  of  my  caul,  young 
Tommy,  which  has  saved  me  fifteen  times  from  drowning,  though 
the  Lord  knows  I  shall  never  want  it  any  more.  This  old  ship  is 
chartered  for  a  voyage  to  Kingdom  Come.  Perhaps  that  Coast-fever 
has  been  and  spoiled  the  color  of  them.  I  haven't  seen  them  now 
for  a  twelvemonth  or  more,  though  I  feel  'em  going  into  my  ribs 
pretty  often.  One  will  be  for  you,  and  one  for  your  mother,  as  soon 
as  you  have  put  me  under  ground." 

"Uncle  Bill,"  I  said,  "we  don't  mean  to  do  anything  of  that  kind. 
You  sha'n't  go  aloft,  as  you  call  it,  for  forty  years  yet.  Why,  what 
most  wonderful  things,  I  declare!  What  lovely  gold,  and  what 
amazing  stones !" 

He  looked  at  me  with  a  very  pleasant  smile.  "  Something  like 
your  hair,  the  gold  is  spun  up,  Tommy,  ain't  it?  Only  yours  have 
got  more  touch  of  nut-color  in  it.  Indian  work,  that  is,  I  reckon; 
stolen  out  of  some  wreck,  with  the  stones,  no  doubt.  No  savage 
work  there,  and  no  English  goldsmith,  nor  French  either,  could  come 
near  it — Mysore  or  Tanjore  or  Trichinopoly;  but  I  believe  the  stones 
must  have  come  from  Borneo.  At  least  so  the  only  knowing  man  I 
ever  showed  them  to  thought  they  must  have  done,  though  he 
couldn't  say  how;  and  Jumbilug  had  worn  them  for  three  hundred 
years,  at  a  rough  guess;  for  ten  men's  time,  the  savages  told  Ed- 
wards. He  told  me  he  believed  they  must  be  blue  diamonds, 
but  I  never  heard  of  such  things;  I  call  them  sapphires.  And  I 
wouldn't  tell  you  what  the  island  is  —  why,  do  you  think?  Be- 
cause such  a  government  as  we've  got  now  would  insist  upon 
what  they  call  'restitution.'  They'd  send  out  one  of  them  iron 
pig-trough  things  they  have  turned  the  British  navy  into  to  re- 
build Jumbilug,  and  fit  her  up  again,  with  her  eyes,  at  our  expense, 
and  all  the  rest  at  the  cost  of  the  British  tax-payers,  and  then  give 


TOMMY  UPMORE.  195 

her  a  royal  sahite  and  steam  away,  for  fear  of  hurting  the  feelings 
of  the  natives." 

"And  perhaps,"  I  replied — for  this  reminded  me  of  Roly's  views 
upon  that  subject  —  "they  would  put  half  a  hundred  of  plump 
Englishmen  ashore  as  a  meet  and  proper  offering  to  the  injured 
Jumbilug," 


CHAPTER  XXXIII. 

STRONG    INTENTIONS. 

Sucn  a  weight  came  off  the  heart  of  good  Uncle  William,  and 
such  a  relief  was  afforded  to  his  ribs — where  the  parcel  had  made 
a  great  hole,  as  he  showed  me,  like  the  postmaster's  stamp  on  a  bon- 
net-box— that  as  soon  as  he  restored  his  caul  to  its  proper  and  inborn 
aptitude  of  comfort  he  was  enabled  to  be  just  to  another  tidy  quid 
and  another  glass  of  grog,  not  so  very  fountain-heady. 

"Don't  let  me  see  them  any  more,"  he  said,  when  he  found  him- 
self ready  for  a  bit  to  eat;  "they  have  buttoned  up  the  locker  of 
my  poor  stomach,  and  I  believe  that's  how  I  took  the  fever,  to  which 
I  was  never  born  natural.  But  not  a  word  to  your  dear  mother 
about  them  until  I  tip  the  signal.  That  old  Jew  wanted,  oh,  how 
he  did  try,  to  get  these  beauties  out  of  me !  He  would  have  given 
me  a  thousand  pounds  apiece  for  them,  and  that  proves  them  to  be 
worth  at  least  ten  times  as  much.  Get  a  fair  opinion  about  them, 
my  lad,  and  then  lock  them  away,  unless  you  want  the  money." 

I  could  not  help  admiring  the  very  clever  way  in  which  Uncle 
William  had  encircled  the  blue  stones  with  the  spun  wreath  of  pure 
gold  as  fine  as  any  hair,  quite  as  if  they  were  a  pair  of  brooches  in 
gold  setting ;  and  this  fetched  the  color  up,  or  made  them  show 
by  contrast,  with  a  lustre  at  once  very  clear  and  very  dark,  though 
both  of  the  crystals  were  still  in  the  rough.  They  were  something 
like  a  pear  in  form,  which  explains  little,  for  pears  arc  as  different 
in  shape  as  men  are.  What  I  mean  is  a  pear  of  the  variety  which 
the  dealers  rail  the  "  Duchess,"  which  tapers  less  than  the  Jargonelle, 
but  much  more  than  the  Bergamots.  Between  the  two  crystals  there 
was  very  little  difference  in  size  or  weight  or  color,  each  of  them 
turning  an  ounce  in  the  scales.  But  much  as  I  admired  them,  and 
could  look  at  them  for  hours,  it  did  not  seem  likely  that  they  could 
be  worth  what  Uncle  William  talked  about. 

Upon  this  point  I  determined  to  consult  Professor  Megalow,  \vlio 
knew  nearly  as  much  about  stones  as  bones,  till  I  saw  in  the  2'n/tca 
that  he  was  sent  to  Egypt  upon  some  important  scientific  errand, 


196  TOMMY  UPMORR 

and  then  it  occurred  to  me  to  ask  Sir  Roland.  Not  that  lie  was 
likely  to  know  anything  about  it,  but  that  he  might  commend  me 
to  a  skilful  and  upright  jeweller,  such  as  a  family  of  rank  and  wealth 
were  likely  to  have  dealings  with. 

And  even  while  I  was  thinking  of  him  up  he  rode,  in  his  usual 
haste,  upon  a  showy  looking  hack,  for  the  Twentifolds  had  given 
up  their  London  establishment  at  the  death  of  the  previous  baronet. 
With  very  great  pleasure  I  ran  down  to  meet  him;  for  although 
"Placid  Bower"  was  not  very  grand,  I  knew  that  he  would  be  well 
pleased  with  it,  his  nature  being  very  kind  and  frank  and  hearty. 
Of  course  he  spoke  first,  for  he  always  took  the  lead. 

"Why,  Tommy, what  a  beautiful  place  you  have  got !  I  envy 
you,  my  dear  boy,  that  I  do.  And  such  a  lookout !  You  can  see 
the  Victoria  Tower,  and  read  the  clock  over  the  bridge  with  a  mod- 
erate glass,  and  on  a  clear  day  you  can  see  the  Derby  run.  You 
rogue,  you  never  told  me  of  this  snug  shop — the  very  place  for  an 
industrious  M.P.  And  that  is  what  I'm  come  about,  as  well  as  the 
pleasure  of  seeing  you,  my  dear  friend,  and  your  good  mother." 

"Mother  will  be  home  in  an  hour  or  two,"  I  said,  "and  we'll 
make  your  horse  comfortable,  and  you,  too,  I  hope.  She  is  gone  to 
see  Bill  Chumps's  intended,  and  advise  about  all  the  great  prepara- 
tions. He  is  going  to  marry  Miss  Windsor,  who  has  come  into  a 
tidy  little  lump  of  money — £12,125 — entirely  at  her  own  disposal. 
But  of  course  they  will  have  a  settlement." 

' '  Halloo !"  he  answered ;  ' '  well,  that  beats  me.  I  thought  you  were 
sweet  in  that  quarter,  Master  Tommy.  But  you  look  very  jolly,  so 
I  hope  it  is  all  right.  Take  me  into  your  own  den  first.  I  want  to 
have  a  pipe  and  a  chat  with  you.  Well,  here  we  are!  Just  the  sort 
of  place  I  like.  Books  enough  to  look  at,  and  remind  you  of  past 
woes,  with  their  backs  shown  like  scattered  enemies.  But  I  don't 
half  like  this  news  of  yours.  I  did  not  mean  Chumps  to  get  mar- 
ried for  ten  years.  It  takes  all  the  enterprise  out  of  a  man.  On  the 
other  hand  the  cash  will  be  handy  for  him,  and  enable  him  to  ap- 
ply himself  to  politics,  though  not  half  enough  to  live  upon.  But 
I  have  very  large  ideas  in  my  head.  When  do  they  mean  to  be 
made  miserable  for  life?" 

"Somewhere  this  side  of  Michaelmas,  my  mother  seems  to  say. 
They  have  long  been  engaged,  though  old  Chumps  would  not  have 
it  until  her  godfather  discharged  responsibilities.  You  are  quite 
wrong,  Holy,  in  supposing  that  I  have  any  call  for  a  moment  to 
wear  the  willow,  it  is  true  that  Miss  Windsor  and  your  most  obe- 
dient have  been  very  intimate  from  tender  years,  and  ever  must 
cherish  sweet  memories  of  playing  together  in  the  soapsuds.  But 


TOMMY  UPMORE.  197 

she  does  not  approach — she  in  no  way  realizes — she  never  has  been 
to  me  more  than  a  bubble." 

"Tommy,  your  metaphor  is  fine  and  (which  is  a  much  greater 
rarity)  appropriate.  Now  let  us  consider  how  all  this  bears  on  the 
one  ambition  of  my  life,  and  of  every  life  at  all  worth  living — the 
kicking  of  the  Rads  off  the  foul  perch  they  are  crowing  on.  They 
have  made  it  foul,  mind.  It  was  clean  enough  when  they  hopped 
up  by  cackling,  and  flapping  their  wings,  and  nudging  sideways, 
as  if  they  meant  rather  to  go  down  than  up.  All  the  honest  cocks 
on  the  top  bar  took  it  easy,  and  put  their  heads  under  their  wings, 
and  tucked  up  one  leg,  and  spread  out  the  claws  of  the  other,  till 
down  they  went  headlong,  tumbling  on  their  combs  at  the  rush  of 
a  cock  who  had  sworn  he  would  not  fight.  And  fight  he  won't 
now  to  preserve  his  hen's  eggs,  but  only  to  keep  his  own  perch  to 
himself,  and  the  few  little  bantams  he  allows  to  come  up.  Mean- 
while, rats  and  weasels  increase  and  flourish ;  not  a  sound  egg  of 
trade  is  there  left  in  the  nest ;  and  of  all  the  fat  chicks  of  the  colo- 
nies not  one  is  allowed  to  jump  up  on  the  mother's  broad  back  and 
practise  a  little  crow  under  her  protection.  In  fact,  my  dear  Tom- 
my, the  big  cock  of  all,  having  crowed  himself  up  to  the  top  of  the 
roost,  has  forbidden  every  other  cock  to  chuckle  in  his  throat  un- 
less it  is  in  chorus  with  him.  Meanwhile  his  own  run  is  on  every 
side  invaded,  and  his  chicks  carried  off,  and  his  corn -bin  robbed  ; 
but  all  he  cares  for  is  to  keep  his  own  perch,  and  be  clucked  to  as 
if  he  were  the  only  cock  on  earth." 

"I  dare  say  that  is  all  true  enough,"  I  answered,  "but  I  don't 
see  how  we  are  to  better  it.  What  can  two  little  cockerels  such  as 
you  and  I  do?" 

"  Tommy,  it  is  that  accursed  spirit,  or  want  of  spirit,  that  keeps 
the  pest  triumphant.  I  am  a  very  little  cockerel,  as  you  say,  and 
should  bite  the  dust  before  the  old  rooster.  Reason  and  right  go 
down  before  him,  and  all  the  old  principles  of  patriotism  are  a  mix- 
en  for  him  to  crow  on.  But  why  ?  There  have  been  infinitely  finer 
cocks  who  would  have  rolled  in  the  dirt  if  they  had  tried  to  cut 
such  capers.  The  reason  is  simply  craven  terror  and  the  want  of 
firm  union  against  him.  Truth  and  common-sense  and  common 
interests  must  prevail  in  the  end,  if  only  they  are  backed  up  against 
crowing  humbug.  And  it  is  the  first  duty  of  every  one  who  cares 
for  his  country  to  bear  his  little  share  in  this.  Eloquence,  eloquence, 
is  all  the  cry — unrivalled  eloquence,  vast  experience,  unparalleled 
powers  of  mind,  and  so  forth.  But  all  of  these  cannot  turn  black  into 
white,  nor  prove  that  we  are  clean  when  they  have  dragged  us 
through  the  mud.  We  are  bad  enough  now,  with  our  country  de- 


198  TOMMY  UPMORE. 

spised,  our  manufactures  ruined,  our  agriculture  bankrupt,  our  land 
worth  nothing,  our  army  made  an  infant-school,  and  our  kingdom 
rent  in  twain ;  but  madness  ten  times  worse  than  that  is  threatened 
and  promised  for  the  very  next  session." 

"  Well,  let  us  hear  the  worst  of  it,"  I  answered  very  calmly,  being 
used  to  these  rodomontades  of  Sir  Roland's,  and  not  having  found 
myself  much  the  worse  yet.  "What  does  the  enemy  mean  to  do 
next  year  ?" 

' '  You  may  smile,  Tommy.  I  am  afraid  you  are  as  bad  as  the 
rest,  who  won't  try  to  stop  the  blow  until  their  backs  are  broken. 
What  do  you  think  of  these  three  little  measures  out  of  seven  wThich 
the  Cabinet  propose  to  employ  the  recess  in  preparing  and  matur- 
ing, as  they  call  it :  to  give  the  county  franchise  to  every  man  who 
has  a  dust-bin,  or  even  a  dust-pan,  if  he  lives  a  hundred  miles  from 
London — to  prohibit  land-owners  from  having  any  children  after 
a  date  to  be  settled  by  the  Act — to  abandon  Malta,  Gibraltar,  and 
Aden,  and  all  other  places  held  unjustly,  and  surrender  the  British 
fleet,  and  all  ships-of-war  now  building,  to  France  and  Russia  and 
the  Irish  Land  League?  A  pretty  fair  programme  I  call  that." 

"And  so  should  I,  Roly,  if  I  believed  a  word  of  it.  But  don't 
carry  on  with  any  more  such  chaff.  Have  a  glass  of  good  ale — 
good  English  malt — a  sound  constitutional  draught,  as  you  call  it. 
I  ordered  in  a  firkin,  and  it  has  just  got  bright." 

"Now,  if  Englishmen  drank  this,"  exclaimed  Sir  Roland,  after  a 
good  pull  at  the  fresh  and  freshening  beverage  in  my  silver  pot. 
one  of  the  many  I  had  earned  as  coxswain  of  victorious  crews — "if 
Britons,  instead  of  whining  about  their  digestions,  and  sipping  the 
flat  sourness  of  half -ripened  grapes,  took  a  good  swig  of  such  hearty 
stuff  as  that,  very  soon  we  should  be  Britons  again.  The  need  of 
the  age  is  good  ale,  my  Tommy ;  not  the  public-house  stuff,  but  the 
genuine  thing,  such  as  every  good  brewery  can  turn  out  when  it 
likes.  The  decay  of  the  nation  and  the  triumph  of  the  hypocrites 
date  from  the  difficulty  of  getting  decent  beer.  And  think  of  the 
brotherhood  created  by  good  beer.  I  take  a  pull,  Tommy,  so  do 
you ;  we  look  at  one  another,  and  we  trust  one  another,  and  a  mut- 
ual warmth  goes  down  into  our  glad  bosoms.  Will  you  get  such 
a  feeling  from  your  sulky  glass  of  claret,  or  your  poisonous  arti- 
ficial waters,  or  even  the  fizzy-up-the-nose  of  your  touch-and-go  cham- 
pagne ?  No,  my  boy.  One  of  my  most  cherished  hopes  is  to  sup- 
ply the  noble  working-man  with  a  real  good  article  in  the  way  of 
ale,  and  then  let  him  be  a  Rad,  or  let  him  be  a  Tory — at  any  rate 
he  will  be  an  Englishman  again.  Let  us  have  another  pull,  to  illus- 
trate that  sentiment." 


TOMMY  UPMORK.  190 

I  could  not  help  laughing  at  Sir  Roland's  warmth  and  confidence. 
Whatever  he  said  he  had  a  way  of  saying  (without  gesticulation,  or 
appearance  of  excitement)  which  made  at  once  a  short  cut  into  the 
mind  of  any  listener.  Perhaps  because  it  came  so  straight  and 
clear  and  sure  from  his  own  mind,  and  generally  in  simple  words, 
which  arc  the  wings  of  eloquence. 

"Now  tell  me  what  you  came  for,  Holy,"  I  said,  being  tired  of 
politics  ;  "have  you  any  news  from  home,  or  anything  of  interest  to 
the  beer-quailing  Briton  ?  I  don't  care  twopence  about  the  gov- 
ernment. They  can't  do  any  harm  for  six  months  now." 

"Can't  they,  indeed  ?  Why,  that  is  the  very  season  when  they 
disgrace  us  most  of  all,  without  even  having  to  cut  the  double- 
shullle  in  answer  to  any  honest  question.  However,  as  you  don't 
want  any  more  of  that — though  you  must  be  roused  up  before  Feb- 
ruary— I'll  do  what  I  can  for  you  in  smaller  matters.  Understand, 
then,  that  poor  Counterpaign — who  ought  to  have  made  a  better 
fight  of  it ;  I  don't  think  an  old  man  could  have  punished  me  like 
that,  though  I  should  be  devilish  sorry  to  give  him  such  occasion — 
he  has  got  no  bones  broken  any  more  than  you  had  when  the  rock 
gave  you  such  a  thumping.  But  it  would  have  been  better  for  him 
if  he  had,  as  regards  his  popularity  at  our  place.  My  mother  won't 
go  near  him,  which  she  must  have  done  if  his  damage  had  been 
more  dangerous.  You  know  my  darling  mother  is  a  little  bit  senti- 
mental, and  by  no  means  worldly-minded,  but  the  most  stubborn  of 
the  stubborn,  in  her  quiet  and  very  gentle  way.  She  won't  argue  a 
point ;  she  will  let  one  talk  forever,  without  a  word  of  contradic- 
tion ;  and  there  her  conviction  remains,  as  unmoved  as  the  table  one 
has  been  talking  over.  I  knew  by  her  face  that  Sunday  evening 
that  it  was  all  up  with  Counterpaign's  chance  of  Laura." 

"  Thank  God  !"  I  cried,  for  the  news  was  well  worth  it ;  and  then 
at  his  look  of  astonishment  I  said,  "Your  dear  sister,  in  my  opinion, 
is  the  most  perfect  of  all  created  beings ;  and  I  would  rather  have 
my  eyes  put  out  than  see  her  made  miserable  by  a  heartless,  selfish, 
weak-minded,  cold-natured,  priggish,  and  altogether  unprincipled 
fellow,  who  could  never  have  the  smallest  idea  of  INT  value." 

"  You  seem  to  be  uncommonly  warm  about  it,  Tommy.  What 
has  poor  Counterpaign  ever  done  to  you  ?  He  has  his  faults,  I 
know,  and  he  is  not  a  sound  Conservative ;  but  he  has  scared}- 
enough  character  to  be  so  bad  as  you  suppose  him." 

"He  has  a  great  deal  more  character,  or  want  of  it,  than  you 
think.  And  now  that  I  can  do  him  no  harm  with  you,  I  will  tell 
you  a  thing  which  I  have  kept  to  myself,  though  I  had  a  hard  job 
to  conceal  it  from  you  when  I  saw  him  continually  at  your  sister's 


200  TOMMY  UPMORE. 

side.  Some  days  before  that  Nathan  and  David  business,  and  the 
very  fine  thrashing  he  received,  I  got  a  letter  from  an  old  friend  of 
mine  at  Corpus,  which  was  sent  on  to  me  from  this  place  ;  and  the 
writer  (without  knowing  more  of  Lord  Counterpaign  than  that 
Chumps  knew  him  and  I  knew  Chumps)  said  that  he  had  met  him 
at  his  club  in  London,  where  he  was  by  no  means  popular.  And 
then,  at  the  very  time  when  he  was  preparing  to  visit  you  and  carry 
on  his  courtship,  he  was  living  with  an  actress  of  very  low  repute, 
and  had  promised  (as  she  said)  to  marry  her.  With  that  I  have 
nothing  to  do,  and  I  know  that  it  is  not  supposed  now  to  be  any 
harm  at  all ;  but  I  thought  it  a  low  thing  for  him  to  come  fresh 
from  such  company  and  hold  your  sister's  hand." 

' '  You  are  quite  right,  Tommy  ;  it  was  a  low  thing,  and  no  gen- 
tleman who  thought  twice  would  have  done  it.  And  over  and 
above  all  that,  you  know  that  I  have  a  great  contempt  for  Coun- 
terpaign." 

"I  know  that  you  have.  How  can  you  help  it?  And  yet  for 
some  trumpery  bits  of  ground,  or  some  dirty  seat  in  Parliament,  you 
have  been  eager  to  sacrifice  the  purest  and  warmest  and  sweetest 
heart  in  all  the  world  to  such  a  wretch !" 

"Tommy,  you  speak  hotly,  and  a  little  beyond  your  business. 
What  makes  you  take  up  this  question  so  intensely?" 

Sir  Roland  looked  at  me  in  such  a  way  that  I  resolved  to  have  it 
out  with  him,  and  sail  or  sink  at  least  under  true  colors. 

"  The  simple  fact,"  I  said,  looking  full  into  his  eyes,  for  no  man 
should  frighten  me  in  a  manly  business,  ' '  that  I  love  your  sister  as 
purely  and  entirely  as  even  she  can  deserve  to  be  loved.  There  is 
not  the  least  necessity  for  you  to  tell  me  that  I  am  a  presumptuous 
fool,  or  ass,  or  anything  else  that  you  like  to  call  me,  for  daring  to 
do  such  a  thing.  But  I  have  dared  it,  and  shall  dare  it  all  my  life. 
And  though  I  have  very  little  hope  of  success,  it  has  done  me  good, 
and  has  elevated  me.  Not  in  the  social  scale,  I  mean,  or  any  of 
that  stuff,  but  as  a  man — a  man  who  has  a  right  to  give  his  heart, 
though  he  may  get  nothing  but  disdain  for  it.  I  have  wanted  for  a 
long  time  to  tell  you  this,  that  we  might  understand  each  other. 
You  have  seen  my  reluctance  to  accept  favors  from  you,  to  get  put 
into  the  House,  and  so  on.  I  could  not  do  that  while  I  kept  you  in 
the  dark  about  a  thing  likely  to  change  all  your  feelings.  You  can- 
not say  now  that  I  have  humbugged  you." 

Sir  Roland,  though  generally  so  quick  of  reply  as  almost  to  snap 
the  words  out  of  one's  mouth,  took  so  much  time  to  think  that  I  felt 
my  heart  beat  like  a  thing  that  is  quick  and  excitable. 

"Well,  Tommy,"  he  said,  looking  more  perplexed  than  angry, 


TOMMY  UPMORK  201 

arid  taking  me  by  the  hand,  "you  have  spoken  as  a  man,  and  I 
thank  you  for  it;  and  you  deserve  that  I  should  speak  with  equal 
candor.  I  will  not  say  anything  to  hurt  your  feelings  more  than 
may  IK-  avoided.  As  regards  money  and  character  and  education 
and  kindliness  of  nature  and  warmth  of  heart,  you  are  all  that  a 
man  need  desire  for  his  sister.  But  as  regards  birth — my  dear  fel- 
low, excuse  me;  you  know  that  I  would  not  say  anything  to  pain 
you  about  such  an  accident,  if  I  could  help  it — there  comes  the  point 
which  is  hard  to  get  over.  We  Twentifolds  do  not  pretend  to  be 
of  royal,  or  even  of  noble  descent,  in  the  direct  line,  though  we  have 
intermarried  often  enough  with  the  best  blood  in  England;  but  this 
we  can  say,  that  for  five  hundred  years  we  have  always  been  of  the 
foremost  rank  of  commoners  and  baronets,  ever  since  such  things 
were.  In  the  last  hundred  years  there  has  only  been  one  taint — " 

"Oh,  let  me  hear  all  about  that,"  I  exclaimed;  "I  am  truly  de- 
lighted that  there  has  been  that.  Was  it  in  the  tallow  line,  my  dear 
Holy?" 

"No,  sir,  it  was  not.  It  was  in  oil  and  beeswax,"  he  answered, 
with  a  frown  which  was  very  like  a  smile;  "the  subject  is  a  sore 
one,  and  pursuit  would  make  it  sorer.  You  had  better  ask  my 
mother  what  the  story  is.  She  tells  it  with  simplicity  and  sym- 
pathy. But  to  come  back  to  tallow — as  you  coarsely  put  it.  Let 
everything  between  us  be  exactly  as  it  was.  After  what  you  have 
done  for  Laura — who  would  not  be  alive  to  marry  any  one  but  for 
you — I  shall  not  attempt  to  interfere  between  you.  Like  the  pres- 
ent government,  I  shall  'maintain  an  attitude  of  masterly  inactivity,' 
which  may,  or  may  not,  have  the  usual  result — to  wit,  servile  pas- 
sivity. Not  a  word  about  this  subject  again  between  us  until  I  re- 
new it.  Also  bear  in  mind  one  thing:  even  if  you  succeed  with  my 
mother  and  with  Laura,  you  will  not  have  my  consent  (without 
which  nothing  whatever  can  come  of  it)  until  you  have  done  some- 
thing great  and  glorious  to  win  the  fame  which  leaps  over  all  dis- 
tinctions." 


CHAPTER  XXXIV. 

FAMES  FAM.E. 

WHAT  is  a  fame  that  overleaps  distinctions?  And  how  may  a 
poor  fellow  get  hold  of  it?  I  knew  a  man  once  who  could  crackle 
all  his  knuckles  like  a  pair  of  four-chambered  revolvers,  and  then 
fire  off  his  \vriMs  and  elbows  like  double-barrelled  rifles  after  them. 
We  called  him  the  "distinguished  knuckle-duster,"  and  he  called 


202  TOMMY  UPMORE. 

himself  the  "famous  artilleryman."  Would  an  exploit  of  that  sort 
overleap  the  pride  of  birth,  and  stamp  a  simple  son  of  soap  with 
laurels  fit  for  orange-bloom? 

It  was  not  in  my  nature  to  be  put  down  without  having  some- 
thing to  say  for  it.  My  mind  was  of  ordinary  substance  and  per- 
haps rather  heavy — to  balance  the  body,  as  well  as  to  keep  the  heart 
company,  at  times,  when  the  pair  were  in  trouble  together.  But  my 
body  was  not  a  mere  somebody,  neither  an  anybody,  nor  a  common 
nobody;  but  a  substance  in  some  wise  remarkable,  and  surely  as 
distinguished  as  that  of  the  great  knuckle-duster.  He  had  won 
fame  to  his  own  satisfaction,  by  deeds  more  surprising  to  the  pub- 
lic ear,  but  far  less  so  to  the  public  eye,  than  those  of  which  I  was 
capable. 

Now,  which  is  more  potent— the  ear  or  the  eye?  Which  throws 
the  quickest  flash  into  the  brain,  and  fills  it  with  action  the  longest? 
Even  before  we  have  learned  enough  of  speech  to  be  certain  that  all 
men  are  liars,  how  slowly  creep  in  at  the  sides  of  the  head  the  things 
that  leap  in  at  the  front  of  it!  "Hot  are  the  stings  of  the  eye,  but 
cold  the  pains  of  the  ear,"  says  an  ancient,  pithier  for  once  than 
Horace. 

This  being  so,  what  should  prevent  me  from  attaining  a  hotter 
fame  than  even  Mr.  Panclast's?  He  could  beat  his  drum  upon  the 
ear  alone,  and  sound  his  own  trumpet  into  waxy  cells ;  but  I  could 
fly  straight  into  the  retina  and  brain,  and  block  the  whole  traffic  of 
the  optic  nerve. 

"  I  will  cultivate  the  lofty  gifts  of  nature,"  I  exclaimed,  when  ev- 
erybody else  has  gone  to  bed;  "for  the  sake  of  my  country  I  am 
bound  to  do  it.  Sir  Roland  was  right,  and  the  great  professor 
wrong.  Why  did  he  say  to  me,  'Fly  no  more;  aerial  Tommy,  fly  no 
more?'  Why,  simply  because  he  is  a  Rad,  and  foresees  confusion 
to  the  Rad  race  in  my  powers  when  developed.  So  far  as  my  own 
convictions  go,  there  is  scarcely  the  seed  of  a  fig  between  a  Rad  and 
a  Tory  when  they  are  let  alone.  But  the  difference  is  that  a  Rad 
can  be  lashed  up,  like  a  half-broken  horse,  into  any  fit  of  kicking, 
and  cares  not  a  rap  what  he  smashes  in  his  rage ;  but  a  Tory  is  far 
less  impetuous;  he  has  a  much  stronger  perception  of  the  rights  of 
others,  and  especially  of  his  country's  claims  upon  him.  Such  are 
the  men  who  are  needed  now.  Panclast  has  an  extraordinary  gift 
of  lashing  up  quiet  folk,  to  kick  against  their  neighbors,  and  of  run- 
ning round  the  corner  when  his  own  legs  are  in  jeopardy.  However, 
he  is  the  master  of  the  yard  for  the  present,  in  virtue  of  his  powers  of 
swearing,  Roly  says;  but  there  must  be  a  great  deal  more  than  that." 

The  upshot  of  my  very  callow  reflections  was  that  I  determined 


TOMMY  UPMORE.  203 

to  begin  at  once  to  improve  my  long  dormant  aerial  gifts;  or,  rather, 
I  should  say,  my  repressed  and  snubbed  and  even  dreaded  specialty 
of  rising  from  the  ground.  Although  my  frame  was  firmer,  and 
more  weighty  than  it  used  to  be,  and  therefore  less  elastic  and  ex- 
pansive than  in  boyhood,  there  was  room  enough  to  hope  that  some 
if  not  all  these  losses  might  be  retrieved  by  care  and  skill,  by  regi- 
men, strict  diet,  and  the  increased  power  of  the  muscles.  And  if  these 
proved  insufficient,  there  could  be  no  doubt  of  one  thing— a  very 
little  artificial  aid  would  liberate  me  from  the  growing  tyranny  of 
gravitation. 

With  all  this  in  my  mind  I  went  to  bed,  and  dreamed  a  dream 
which,  contrary  to  the  usual  laws  and  customs  of  such  visitants,  be- 
came of  the  very  greatest  service  to  me. 

My  conscience  had  reproached  me,  while  I  said  my  prayers,  for  a 
very  unworthy  and  unjust  reflection  upon  Professor  Megalow,  as 
above  set  down.  From  him  I  had  received  the  very  greatest  kind- 
ness; and  to  imagine  that  any  party  motives  could  have  led  him  to 
dissuade  me  from  invading  the  upper  firmament  was  very  mean  and 
hasty  of  me,  as  well  as  most  absurd.  He  was  not  at  all  a  partisan, 
or  active  politician,  but  quietly  held  his  opinions  upon  reasons  wrhich 
satisfied  him,  and  therefore  cannot  have  been  weak  ones.  And  my 
last  thoughts,  or  nearly  so,  having  been  about  him,  he  appeared  to 
me  naturally  in  my  sleep. 

I  dreamed  that  I  stood  between  Professor  Megalow  and  my  old 
enemy,  Professor  Brachipod,  in  the  school-room  of  the  Partheneion. 
Dr.  Rumbelow  also  was  in  the  distance,  with  his  college  cap  on,  and 
the  biggest  of  all  his  canes  under  his  arm.  The  two  learned  professors 
were  discussing  my  case  with  very  great  interest  and  some  warmth. 

"He  will  never  fly  again,"  said  Professor  Megalow;  "he  is  too 
solid  now,  and  his  bones  are  all  set." 

"The  very  reason  for  his  flying  all  the  more,"  quoth  Brachipod, 
contradictory  even  in  a  dream.  ' '  He  cannot  only  mount,  but  pro- 
pel himself  now.  See,  I  manipulate  him,  and  off  he  goes,  ten  times 
as  high  as  he  ever  went  before!" 

Then  he  did  something  to  me,  and  up  I  went ;  while  he  shouted, 
"That  proves  my  theory.  Can  anything  be  finer?  Chocolous, 
Mullicles,  and  Jargoon,  come  and  confess  what  a  set  of  fools  you 
arc.  Bravo,  Tommy,  use  your  arms  and  legs!" 

With  such  powerful  action  did  I  do  this,  while  rushing  up  swift 
as  a  rocket,  that  I  knocked  half  the  roof  of  the  Partfwmion  off,  yet 
stuck  fast  somehow  and  could  scarcely  breathe. 

And  no  wonder;  for  round  my  neck,  when  I  awoke,  was  the  linen 
sheet  tight  as  a  bowstring,  while  my  poor  arms  and  legs,  instead  of 


204  TOMMY  UPMORE. 

oaring  ambient  air,  were  all  twisted  up  in  the  counterpane  and 
blanket,  like  a  combination  "  of  apple-pie  bed"  and  "cat's  cradles." 
But  the  worst  of  all  was,  that  I  could  not  remember  (though  I  sat 
up  in  the  bed  and  thought,  as  soon  as  I  was  free)  what  in  the  world 
it  was  that  had  been  done  to  me  by  Professor  Brachipod,  to  send  me 
up  over  people's  heads  at  such  a  pace ! 

Neither  in  the  morning  could  I  call  to  mind  an  atom  of  the  thing 
that  I  wanted  so  much  to  recollect,  though  I  knew  that  it  was  some- 
thing very  simple  and  most  easy,  and  such  as  I  could  manage  at  al- 
most any  moment — just  the  very  thing,  in  fact,  which  alone  was  need- 
ed to  restore  my  early  powers,  and  perhaps  to  place  them  in  some 
measure  under  my  own  command.  After  cudgelling  my  slow  brain 
to  no  purpose,  I  resolved  to  take  the  bull  by  the  horns,  and  do  no  less 
than  go  and  see  Professor  Brachipod  himself. 

On  the  brink  of  an  enterprise  so  perilous,  duty  alike  to  my  friends 
and  self  demanded  all  possible  precaution.  The  first  thing  I  did  was 
to  tell  Uncle  Bill — for  I  feared  to  let  my  mother  know — whither  he 
should  send  for  my  remains  if  I  did  not  come  home  by  dinner-time. 
Also,  I  took  a  most  trusty  friend  to  walk  up  and  down  on  the  opposite 
side  of  the  street  and  listen  keenly  for  any  squeal  at  all  like  vivisec- 
tion. Also,  I  had  a  great  mind  to  buy  an  American  revolver,  but 
felt  ashamed  of  such  a  relapse  into  savagedom,  and  was  satisfied 
with  a  bit  of  English  oak,  such  as  my  quickness  of  turn  might  avail 
with,  against  a  robustness  above  my  own.  So,  with  Grip  at  my  heels, 
I  rang  the  bell. 

The  professor  was  at  home,  and,  in  answer  to  my  card,  sent  a  nice 
young  lady  of  Brachipod  race  to  say  that  he  was  just  in  the  crisis  of 
a  very  important  experiment,  but  would  come  to  me  in  a  few  min- 
utes, if  I  could  kindly  wait  so  long. 

"I  am  afraid  we  must  hardly  let  that  fine  dog  in,"  she  said,  with 
a  pleasant  smile,  which  made  me  feel  ashamed.  "I  am  very  fond 
of  them,  but  dear  papa  is  a  little  nervous  now;  he  has  not  been  well 
lately." 

"  I  hope  you  will  pardon  me  for  bringing  him,"  I  answered,  "  but 
he  is  very  old,  and  a  walk  is  such  a  treat  to  him.  May  I  put  him  in 
some  out-house  ?  He  is  as  quiet  as  a  lamb.  Oh,  thank  you,  that  will 
do  beautifully.  I  hope  I  am  not  interrupting  the  professor;  his  time, 
of  course,  is  so  valuable. " 

Presently  he  came  down,  and  I  was  thoroughly  ashamed  of  my 
own  alarm.  Instead  of  the  Brachipod,  who  used  to  jump  and  ges- 
ticulate and  poke  knuckles  into  me,  I  beheld  an  infirm  and  disabled 
old  man,  who  was  killing  himself  prematurely  by  wanting  to  know 
too  much  concerning  it.  His  face  was  melancholy,  and  almost  piti- 


TOMMY  UPMORE.  205 

ful,  as  if  from  perpetual  disappointment ;  his  forehead  was  chan- 
nelled with  a  chart  of  vain  inquiries,  and  even  the  vivacity  of  his  eyes 
was  sad. 

"  I  am  very  glad  to  see  you,"  he  said,  kindly,  and  gazing  with  a 
little  sigh  at  me.  "I  remember  you  well.  But  how  much  you  are 
grown  !  I  fear  we  used  to  frighten  you  in  the  days  gone  by.  AVe 
took  the  wrong  course  altogether.  If  we  had  only  been  gentle  and 
patient,  we  might  have  done  much  with  your  singular  case,  and 
learned  things  of  very  deep  interest.  It  was  bad  luck.  There  were 
too  many  of  us,  and  the  spirit  of  rivalry  spoiled  everything.  I  should 
have  kept  you  to  myself,  as  I  had  every  right  to  do.  But  poor  Jar- 
goon  and  unhappy  Chocolous — you  have  heard  what  a  sad  loss  all 
Science  has  sustained,  have  you  not  ?  They  have  both  fallen  victims 
to  the  spirit  of  research.  I  ought  not  to  grieve  for  them,  for  there 
can  be  no  nobler  termination  to  a  scientific  life.  Jargoon,  as  you 
know,  had  a  doltish  theory — though  I  should  not  call  it  that  when 
he  cannot  contradict  me — about  the  universal  action  on  all  organ- 
isms of  what  he  called  gaseous  expansion.  He  made  a  great  discov- 
ery, as  he  believed,  of  a  primary  element — '  Proto-hylic  Nephelin' — 
intensely  inflammable  in  combination.  He  was  trying  its  effects 
upon  the  human  system  by  inhalation  through  a  straw,  when,  un- 
happily, Mrs.  Jargoon  struck  a  match  to  seal  an  important  letter.  In 
a  moment  the  professor  and  his  theories  were  abolished,  so  exhaust- 
ively that  they  could  hold  the  inquest  upon  nothing  but  the  cal- 
cination of  his  left  glass  eye." 

"  I  never  heard  anything  more  shocking,"!  exclaimed,  forgetting 
all  the  evil  in  the  sadness  of  his  end,  and  admiring  the  courage  of 
the  great  discoverer.  '  'And  poor  Professor  Chocolous,  was  he  abol- 
ished too?" 

"Not  so  entirely,  but  perhaps  more  sadly.  You  know  that  by 
his  theory — a  perfectly  absurd  one — all  causation  was  referred  to 
the  agency  of  bacilli — bacteria  we  used  to  call  them,  but  the  other 
wrord  is  the  more  correct.  Moreover,  he  was  indulging  in  a  life-long 
hope  to  establish  in  his  own  person  the  one  thing  which  alone  con- 
vinces the  multitude — ocular  proof  (as  the  outsiders  term  it)  that  the 
human  race  has  lost  its  noblest  and  far  more  essential  member  than 
the  head  is — in  a  word,  its  tail, by  assuming  an  attitude  never  con- 
templated in  the  scientific  stages  of  evolution.  A  learned  American 
has,  in  my  opinion,  cut  the  ground  from  under  the  feet  of  Chocolous 
by  showing  that  the  caudal  loss  results  from  the  abandonment  of  the 
quadrumanous  life,  and  that  the  only  chance  of  recovery  lies  in  the 
resignation,  not  of  chair  but  house,  and  the  re-institution  of  arboreal 
habitude.  But  to  pretermit  his  theories  (which  appear  to  me  weak 


206  TOMMY  UPHORE. 

and  outrageous),  his  end,  before  even  the  nucleolus  of  a  tail  was  es- 
tablished, is  a  most  melancholy  tale.  The  very  day  after  he  had 
inoculated  his  dextral  ulna  with  a  new  bacillus  (discovered  in  the 
windpipe  of  a  duck),  he  received — as  the  rule  is  with  learned  Ger- 
mans, and  the  exception  with  learned  Englishmen — a  most  flattering 
invitation — which  is  in  fact  a  command — to  present  himself  in  very 
high  quarters.  You  may  suppose  what  a  fuss  he  was  in — for  few 
of  those  foreigners  have  much  self-respect — to  put  himself  into  his 
very  best  clothes,  and  to  have  all  his  theories  ready  in  his  hat.  I 
suppose  that  he  would  not  be  allowed  to  carry  that,  but  I  have  never 
had  the  opportunity  of  learning." 

"Surely,  sir,"  I  said,  "with  all  your  fame,  and  all  the  immense 
things  that  you  have  discovered — " 

"No,  Tommy,  no,"  he  replied,  with  much  meekness ;  "but  my 
scientific  status  is  none  the  worse  for  that.  However,  Herr  Choco- 
lous,  the  distinguished  German,  was  happy  to  be  thought  worth 
looking  at ;  and  he  prepared  himself  well  in  every  point  but  one. 
He  should  have  provided  himself  with  cross-trees,  or  gutta-percha 
buffers,  ever  so  small,  just  to  take  his  bearing.  '  What  will  you  do 
if  you  have  to  sit  down  ?'  I  asked  him,  with  some  prescience  of  the 
woe  in  store  for  him.  'Bosh!'  was  his  answer,  for  he  loved  that 
word ;  '  zey  vill  never  ask  a  poor  man  like  me  to  seet !'  '  Well,  I 
dare  say  not,'  I  replied,  having  never  found  any  occasion  to  under- 
stand such  things;  and  off  he  went,  standing  up  in  a  hansom,  and 
looking  more  like  Punch  than  a  man  of  any  science. 

"About  a  fortnight  afterwards  I  was  sent  for,  not  to  court;  oh 
no,  no  fear  of  that  for  an  Englishman!  but  to  the  death-bed  of  our 
poor  Chocolous,  for  whom  I  had  always  entertained  sincere  affection 
and  profound  respect.  I  found  him  as  lively  as  ever,  and  jumping, 
to  show  me  how  his  theories  had  been  established.  There  was  no 
Mrs.  Chocolous,  as  perhaps  you  know,  and  nobody  to  care  for  him, 
except  the  maid-of -all-work.  But  she  was  crying  dreadfully,  and  he 
was  proving  to  her  some  new  and  unsustainable  theory  of  bacilli. 

"  'I  vill  be  dead,'  he  cried,  'zis  time  to-morrow.  For  vy?  For 
because  my  teory  is  ze  true  one.  Both  of  zem,  both  of  zem,  proved 
in  one  second!  Prachibot,  if  you  leeve  tree  tousand  year,  never  you 
vill  have  sush  triomp !' 

"Of  course  I  could  not  contradict  him  then;  but  as  soon  as  I 
came  to  hear  all  about  it,  the  only  thing  proved  was  the  soundness 
of  my  advice.  For  it  seems  that  as  soon  as  he  had  been  introduced, 
and  received  most  graciously,  another  great  German  appeared,  oi 
even  superior  eminence  in  another  line,  and  our  poor  friend  Choco- 
lous was  kindly  asked  to  sit.  He  pretended  not  to  hear,  and  made 


TOMMY  UPMORE.  207 

a  very  fine  retreat  with  a  deep  bow,  and  one  heel  going  back  behind 
the  other.  But  not  even  so  could  he  back  out.  Very  nicely,  but 
firmly,  was  he  told  (in  total  ignorance  of  all  his  magnificent  theo- 
ries) to  sit  down,  which  is  not  supposed  to  be  the  proper  thing  in 
such  a  presence.  The  chairs  were  rather  large,  and  had  a  very  slip- 
pery covering,  being  at  the  same  time  hard  and  bright.  Nothing 
could  be  worse  for  a  man  to  sit  upon  who  was  cherishing  hopes  of 
inaugurating  the  recovery  of  our  lost  member. 

"What  could  he  do?  He  could  neither  sit  down,  nor  by  any 
means  refuse  to  do  so ;  the  third  course  (as  a  great  master  of  shuffling 
puts  it)  was  to  sit,  and  yet  not  to  sit;  and  this  the  poor  professor 
was  obliged  to  do  in  a  posture  of  cardinal  adversity.  He  brought 
his  scapula  to  bear  against  the  back  of  the  chair,  which  was  upright; 
then  he  super-posed,  but  not  imposed,  the  sessile  portion  of  his 
organization,  supporting  his  weight  by  his  right  wrist  entirely,  and 
maintaining  non-contact  in  the  critical  quarters  with  the  unscien- 
tific institution.  This  was  most  skilfully  managed,  as  only  a  man 
deeply  grounded  in  organization  could  have  organized  it;  and  but 
for  one  little  point  all  had  been  well.  This  point  was  the  simul- 
taneity of  the  great  bacillar  experiment  with  the  peril  to  caudal 
aspirations.  Between  two  stools,  or,  rather,  I  should  say,  between 
the  ulnar  and  the  lumbar  difficulty,  Science  lost  one  of  her  very 
brightest  stars.  The  ligatures,  skilfully  placed  to  confine  the  exper- 
iment to  a  safe  area,  gave  way  beneath  the  whole  burden  of  a  well- 
fed  frame.  The  issue  need  not  be  described,  although  most  deeply 
interesting.  Mortification  ensued,  and  our  friend,  acknowledged  to  be 
foremost  in  a  most  important  study,  left  nothing  but  his  papers,  which 
I  am  now  preparing,  with  the  aid  of  Mullicles,  for  publication." 

' '  What  a  sad  case !"  I  could  not  help  exclaiming.  ' '  Really  it  seems 
as  if  Science  destroyed  all  her  great  admirers,  as  the  female  spider 
does,  in  addition  to  all  the  poor  flies  of  the  public.  I  do  hope,  pro- 
fessor, that  you  will  take  care  of  yourself." 

"  There  is  no  fear  for  me,  because  all  my  theories  are  sound,"  he 
replied,  with  a  sweet  smile  of  certainty;  "but  I  have  great  misgiv- 
ings about  Mullicles.  Histic  fluxion,  as  he  calls  it,  is  his  craze,  and 
he  pushes  his  experiments  beyond  the  bounds  of  prudence.  I  am 
sure  that  it  must  be  a  great  blow  to  you  to  have  heard  that,  of  the 
four  learned  men  who  desired  to  promote  your  interests  in  earl}'  life, 
two  alone  are  left  for  the  study  of  your  case.  You  are  come  to  me, 
I  doubt  not,  because  you  have  discovered,  with  the  aid  of  Professor 
-Mruulow  (from  whom  I  have  heard  of  you  more  than  once  as  a  very 
promising  acolyte),  that  my  theory  about  you  was  the  true  one.  I 
would  only  request  you  to  be  candid  with  inc." 


208  TOMMY  UPMORE. 

I  was  touched  by  his  diffidence,  and  gladly  told  him  everything; 
how  the  death  of  my  dear  father  had  entirely  deprived  me  of  all  my 
early  buoyancy  through  sudden  exultation,  and  how,  instead  of  that, 
my  only  tendency  to  rise  was  apparently  created  now  by  wrath  and 
sense  of  wrong.  But  even  this,  I  told  him,  was  a  rare  case  now, 
especially  as  I  had  done  my  utmost  to  repress  it.  Then  I  added 
that  I  wished,  for  reasons  which  I  need  not  mention,  to  recover  my 
peculiar  gift,  but  keep  it  under  my  own  control. 

"I  can  promise  you  all  but  that  last,"  he  replied;  "and  that  you 
can  only  secure  by  returning  to  your  former  system  of  artificial 
weights.  See  how  exactly  everything  has  verified  my  diagnosis! 
'  Organic  levigation '  was  the  term  I  used,  as  if  by  a  happy  insight, 
and  no  better  explanation  can  be  rendered  now.  My  dear  young 
friend,  you  must  place  yourself  entirely  under  my  directions.  But, 
unhappily,  I  cannot  undertake  the  matter  gratis,  though  my  ardor 
for  science  would  induce  me  so  to  do  if  my  circumstances  were  as 
they  ought  to  be.  You  are  well  aware  of  the  disgraceful  fact  that 
in  England  there  is  no  State  subvention  for  the  highest  of  all  pur- 
poses—  scientific  research.  We  spend  all  our  substance  and  our 
brains  without  emolument  or  honor,  while  those  who  make  im- 
provements in  some  trumpery  handicraft,  or  poison  the  public  by 
pure  quackery,  obtain  position  and  title  and  large  fortunes." 

"But  not  the  fame!"  I  answered,  with  my  usual  politeness;  and  he 
smiled,  and  his  pale,  worn  eyes  glistened  through  his  double  glasses. 

Then  I  asked  what  his  terms  would  be,  and  found  them  so  mod- 
erate that  I  doubled  them,  as  was  only  fair  to  his  high  repute.  But 
he  made  me  pledge  my  honor  to  one  thing — that  during  his  lifetime 
I  would  not  divulge  his  method  if  it  proved  successful.  I  am  hap- 
py to  say  that  he  still  is  living,  and  of  very  great  renown,  and  good 
position,  so  that  my  promise  remains  still  in  force. 


CHAPTER  XXXV. 

NATIONAL    EMERGENCY. 

EVERYTHING  seemed  to  go  well  with  me  now,  except  for  one  sad 
visitation — the  loss  of  my  dear  Uncle  William.  He,  by  his  brave 
resignation  and  patience,  childlike  simplicity  and  wonderful  yarns, 
as  well  as  pipes  and  grog  and  quids— whenever  he  could  get  them— 
had  endeared  himself  greatly  in  a  few  days,  not  only  to  me  but  to  all 
at  the  Bower.  Even  Grip  went  to  see  him,  and  my  uncle  took  such 
a  fancy  to  him  that  he  would  sit  with  his  chin  in  the  wasted  brown 


TOMMY  UPMORE.  209 

hand,  and  look  at  him  sorrowfully  by  the  hour,  as  if  they  were  two 
poor  old  broken  chaps  together.  And  the  night  Uncle  Bill  died 
Grip  never  stopped  howling;  and  he  went  about  the  place,  and 
scarcely  ate  a  bit  of  victuals  until  he  had  attended  the  funeral. 

But  Uncle  Bill's  death,  though  very  sad  to  us,  was  painless  and 
placid,  and  happy  to  himself.  He  had  said  that  he  should  like  to 
see  the  chaplain,  and  accordingly  Mr.  Cope  came  in.  We  left  them 
to  themselves,  and  there  was  not  much  said,  only  they  had  a  little 
prayer  together,  and  Mr.  Cope  asked  him  if  he  had  any  doubts,  and 
lie  siid,  "None  whatever."  In  the  morning  he  was  passed  beyond 
all  doubts,  and  I,  who  sat  up  with  him,  cannot  say  exactly  the  hour 
when  his  angel  came  for  him. 

He  always  felt  faith  in  the  Lord  all  his  life,  and  though  he  may 
not  have  lived  up  to  it,  surely  his  last  end  was  better  than  that  of  a 
man  who  endeavors  to  outstrip  the  devil  by  growing  a  tail  to 
frighten  him. 

One  thing  surprised  me  about  Uncle  Bill  as  soon  as  I  had  spirit 
to  think  of  it,  and  that  was — why  had  he  never  said  a  word  about 
Jumbiliig's  eyes  to  my  mother  or  myself,  when  he  knew  that  his  last 
time  for  business  was  come.  I  had  even  gone  so  far  as  to  ask  him 
— when  Dr.  Flebotham  pronounced  his  own  task  accomplished — 
whether  he  would  like  me  to  bring  them  in  and  show  them,  or 
whether  there  was  anything  he  wished  to  say  about  them.  But  he 
put  his  pipe-stem  to  his  lips — for  he  was  allowed  to  do  anything 
now  that  would  make  his  last  hours  tranquil — and  he  tried  to  shake 
his  head,  as  if  to  say,  "All  that  is  settled."  And  the  only  provision 
lie  made  for  death  (as  regards  this  world  and  its  dealings)  was  to 
have  his  favorite  pipe  buried  with  him,  and  a  quarter  of  a  pound 
of  bird's-eye  and  a  box  of  the  "Bottom  of  the  Atlantic  Matches," 
which  nothing  can  prevent  from  striking.  For  he  had  been  among 
savage  tribes  so  much  that  all  this  became  orthodox  on  his  part. 

\YliH  her  he  was  lawyer  enough  to  know — for  sailors  do  pick  up 
<m<  -el-  things — that  he  saved  the  family  £4500  by  this  behavior,  or 
whether  it  was  only  that  he  would  not  now  disturb  himself,  and  did 
not  wish  to  be  reminded  of  the  only  stars  that  living  people  care 
for,  or  whether  he  would  not  confuse  his  last  pipe,  at  any  rate,  in 
the  most  decisive  manner,  he  conveyed  to  me  that  he  would  have 
no  more  said  about  Junibilug'a  eyes — which  he  would  have  con- 
demned at  any  less  momentous  moment — but  all  was  to  be  as  he 
had  once  for  all  directed.  This  made  me  feel  a  certain  sense  of 
trusteeship,  as  if  I  were  placed  in  full  charge  of  these  stones,  and 
must  most  exactly  do  whatever  he  had  ordered. 

But  when  I  was  told,  for  the  first  time,  of  their  value,  I  found  it 

14 


210  TOMMY  UPMORE. 

very  hard  to  trust  my  ears.  Such  a  great  injustice  did  it  seem  to 
me  (who  have  an  ardent  love  of  fairness)  that  the  cleverest  man  in 
the  world  might  work  for  sixty  years — the  entire  parenthesis  of  any- 
body's meaning  here — without  earning  half  of  the  value  of  one  of 
the  eyes  of  a  barbarous  idol. 

For  the  great  jewel  merchant  in  Hatton  Garden  to  whom  Sir 
Roland  took  me  could  scarcely  believe  his  own  eyes  at  first — the 
day  being  of  London  texture — until  he  put  on  a  strong  jet  of  light 
(reflected  by  white  mirrors)  and  took  a  double  magnifier,  and  went 
into  the  very  bottom  of  both  stones.  Even  then  he  was  almost 
afraid  of  his  own  judgment,  and  looked  at  us  doubtfully,  and  shook 
his  head,  and  even  the  hand  that  held  such  treasures. 

"If  I  did  not  know  you  to  be  Sir  Roland  Twentifold,  and  this 
young  gentleman  to  be  a  friend  of  yours,  and  therefore  above  all 
suspicion,  it  would  be  my  duty  to  call  in  the  police  and  place  these 
in  their  charge,"  he  said,  "as  the  produce  of  some  tremendous  rob- 
bery. I  have  been  in  the  trade  for  more  than  forty  years,  and  crown- 
jewels  and  those  of  the  great  R family  have  passed  through  my 

hands,  but,  until  now,  never  such  a  pair  of  blue  diamonds  as  these 
are.  They  must  be  well  known;  they  must  have  a  great  history. 
I  know  all  the  leading  gems  of  Europe,  but  these  are  entirely  new  to 
me.  Is  there  any  reason  why  I  should  not  know  the  story?" 

"None  whatever,"  I  replied,  "if  you  will  receive  it  first  in  con- 
fidence, and  then  if  you  think  that  my  right  to  them  is  perfect,  I 
care  not  how  the  story  spreads." 

I  told  him  all  I  knew,  while  he  listened  with  deep  interest,  and  so 
did  Sir  Roland,  who  had  not  heard  all  till  then.  I  insisted  especially 
upon  Uncle  William's  character,  and  his  great  superiority  to  piracy 
or  rapine,  and  enforced  the  fact  that  he  had  not  run  away  with  that 
idol  with  any  view  to  its  value,  but  simply  as  a  deed  of  justice  against 
a  most  horrible  tribe  of  cannibals  who  had  eaten  as  much  as  seven- 
teen white  men,  and  had  vowed  the  sole  survivor  as  a  sacrifice  to  the 
image  with  these  resplendent  eyes.  The  jeweller's  sympathies  went 
warmly  with  me,  and  with  Uncle  Bill  in  his  operations,  but  he  could 
not  help  sighing,  and  I  asked  him  why. 

"Because  I  never  had  such  a  chance  myself, "he  answered,  with 
a  candid  smile.  "And  to  think  of  your  luck  in  escaping  all  duty  I 
Your  uncle?  Why,  let  me  see — three  per  cent.  They  could  not 
have  been  valued  for  probate  or  administration  at  less  than  £150,000, 
and  probably  I  should  have  had  to  appraise  them.  Since  the  disap- 
pearance of  the  French  blue  diamond  there  is  nothing  in  that  line  to 
come  near  them.  Each  of  them  is  worth  at  least  two  Hopes ;  that  is, 
if  they  cut,  as  I  am  sure  they  will." 


TOMMY  UPMORE.  211 

"But  is  there  not  some  ground  to  fear,"  I  asked,  "that  when  all 
the  facts  become  known  our  government  might  insist  upon  restoring 
them?  they  seem  to  make  such  a  point  of  surrendering  every  British 
right,  whether  public  or  private." 

"Undoubtedly  they  do,  "he  answered,  sadly;  "  but  your  very  clever 
uncle  has  provided  against  that.  You  can  make  oath  with  clear 
conscience  that  you  do  not  know  the  name  of  the  place  they  came 
from ;  and  if  they  were  there  three  hundred  years,  how  can  they  be 
traced  from  Borneo?  No,  you  need  not  have  the  smallest  appre- 
hension about  that.  They  belong  to  you  as  absolutely  as  the  watch 
now  in  your  pocket,  and  I  congratulate  you  warmly  upon  such  a 
grand  possession." 

Then  I  asked  him,  with  some  diffidence,  what  the  fee  for  his 
opinion  was.  But  he  said,  "None  ;  only  when  you  have  them  cut, 
I  should  like  it  to  be  done  through  our  house,  if  you  think  fit.  We 
are  proud  to  say  now  that  such  work  can  be  done  in  London  as  well, 
or  even  better,  than  in  Amsterdam.  It  is  a  new  industry,  and  de- 
serves to  be  encouraged.  And  to  make  a  good  job  of  such  gems  as 
those  would  give  a  fine  impetus  to  the  English  art." 

This  I  promised  gladly;  and  after  some  kind  words  of  caution 
from  him,  and  of  good  advice  from  Roly — who  never  left  anything 
unbundled — we  took  a  cab  direct  to  "  Placid  Bower,"  feeling  as  im- 
portant, I  do  believe,  as  any  two  young  men  in  all  London. 

In  the  presence  of  Sir  Roland,  who  dined  with  us  that  day,  I 
handed  to  my  mother  that  one  of  the  two  stones  which  the  jeweller 
had  pointed  out  as  rather  the  more  precious;  but  she  was  so  amn/ed 
when  we  had  told  her  all  the  story  that  it  was  quite  impossible  to 
refrain  from  laughing. 

"You  expect  me  to  believe  a  single  word  of  that?"  she  cried, 
having  soant  faith  in  youthful  verity.  "  No,  no,  Master  Tommy, 
1  was  born  lie  fore  you  were.  And  what  would  your  dear  father 
have  said  to  hear  such  things?  Your  poor  Uncle  William  \\a^  a 
man  of  such  a  nature  that  if  he  had  twelve  pockets  there  were. 
twenty-four  holes  in  them.  He  would  have  told  me,  of  course,  not 
you,  if  he  had  thought  them  worth  speaking  of.  He  had  daily  op- 
portunity of  testing  my  discretion.  Put  them  under  your  pillow, 
Tommy,  and  don't  let  me  hear  any  more  of  them."  And  she 
inarched  away,  leaving  her  blue  diamond  contemptuously  in  the 
tinner-glass. 

"  Take  her  at  her  word,  you  millionaire  of  a  Tommy,"  Sir  Rolinul 
1  to  me  when  he  had  shut  the  door. 

And  at  first  I  was  so  touchy  that  I  felt  inclined  to  do  so;  but 
better  sense  prevailed,  and  on  the  following  day  I  left  both  the 


212  TOMMY  UPMORE. 

jewels  at  our  bankers  (one  in  my  mother's  name,  and  the  other  in 
my  own),  locked  up  in  a  box  with  other  valuables.  And  this  was  a 
great  weight  off  my  mind;  and  I  said  to  myself,  as  I  came  away, 
"My  blue  eye  shall  never  see  the  light  again,  unless  it  is  to  please 
a  pair  of  lustrous  brown  ones  a  million  times  more  beautiful  than 
any  jewel  ever  seen.  But,-  alas !  I  shall  never  have  such  luck  as  that. " 

Before  I  had  time  to  fetch  many  sighs  about  it,  or  even  to  be  cer- 
tain that  I  need  sigh  at  all  (for  Hope  has  a  liking  for  my  heart,  be- 
cause she  finds  herself  so  well  treated  there),  behold,  there  came  to 
pass  a  thing  that  drove  me  to  the  very  place  whither  I  was  longing 
for  to  go. 

"This  very  day,"  Sir  Roland  cried,  as  he  jumped  off  his  horse 
and  left  Grip  to  mind  him — "this  very  day,  Mrs.  Upmore,  if  you 
please,  you  must  send  your  dear  son  down  to  Larkmount-on-the- 
hill.  The  powers  of  evil  are  conspiring  against  him,  and  nothing 
but  his  lovely  face  and  hair,  and  the  way  he  lets  the  sunshine  come 
under  his  heels,  will  scatter  the  devices  of  the  Democrats.  Now, 
you  hate  all  democracy ;  you  know  you  do. " 

"As  far  as  I  understand  the  nature  of  it,  Sir  Roland,"  said  my 
mother,  who  was  proud  of  accuracy,  "I  am  not  much  for  it  as  a 
question  of  degree.  They  sweep  away  all  degrees,  or  try  to  do  so ; 
and  how  can  Tommy  ever  be  an  M.A.  then?" 

"  You  are  right,  too  right,  I  am  sorry  to  say,"  Sir  Roland  replied, 
quite  gravely,  for  he  always  agreed  most  warmly  with  ladies,  and 
by  so  doing  generally  converted  them ;  ' '  better  had  he  not  attempt 
to  be  an  M.A.  with  the  present  government  in  power.  He  will  be 
exposed  to  the  most  fearful  risk.  If  the  measures  now  proposed 
are  passed  next  year,  there  are  very  solid  grounds  for  believing  that 
a  bonfire  will  be  made  of  M.A.'s  upon  Hampstead  Heath,  to  cele- 
brate the  democratic  triumph.  You  saw  the  Martyrs'  Memorial  at 
Oxford  when  you  went  to  see  what  Tommy  was  up  to  once?" 

"Oh  yes,  Sir  Roland,  all  cut  into  small  ribs;  not  as  if  they  caught 
fire  at  all,  but  as  clean  as  the  three  Holy  Children.  But  what  I 
thought  most  of  was  the  college-halls  and  kitchens,  and  the  places 
with  a  sliding  shutter  where  the  butter  is  buttery  and  no  best  Dorset." 

"Not  in  vain  is  it  that  ladies  have  such  powers  of  observation. 
But  how  would  you  like  to  see  all  that  swept  away,  and  instead  of 
it  Board-schools,  dissenting  chapels,  co-operative  stores,  and  social- 
science  institutes?  And  unless  you  send  Tommy  down  with  me  to 
Larkmount  that  is  all  we  shall  have  to  look  forward  to.  He  alone 
can  save  the  country  from  the  vast  deluge  of  anarchy  now  pouring 
in." 

"Well,  I  do  feel  it  hard  upon  me,"  dear  mother  answered,  "  to  be 


TOMMY  UPMORE.  213 

losing  him  again,  almost  before  he  has  had  time  to  get  into  gray 
mourning  for  his  uncle.  But  his  dear  father's  foremost  principle 
was — and  he  was  putting  by  money  to  support  it — that  Tommy 
should  go  into  Parliament  and  speak  up  courageously  for  the  boiling 
interest.  It  is  useless  to  hope  that  Jack  Windsor  could  do  it,  even 
if  there  were  no  other  children;  he  can.  count  sixpenny  worth  of  half- 
pence, but  if  you  ask  him  why,  he  stares  at  you.  But  Tommy  is  al- 
ways as  pat  with  an  answer  as  a  cheap-jack  or  a  prime-minister, 
and  sometimes  more  than  he  should  say  to  the  mother  that  brought 
him  up  and  fermented  him.  And  now  it  seems  a  providence,  Sir 
Roland,  to  speak  without  offence  to  any  one,  that  he  should  be  M.  A. 
and  M.P.  without  paying  anything  at  all  expensive,  and  make  the 
one  defend  the  other  against  the  people  his  dear  father  could  never 
put  up  with,  though  many  times  they  promised  him  their  custom." 

' '  And  never  gave  it,  I'll  answer  for  that, "  Sir  Roland  replied,  most 
truly.  "  Tommy,  you  have  heard  what  your  kind  mother  says,  and 
I  hope  you  will  carry  out  her  principles,  all  of  which  are  of  the  very 
highest  order." 

This  settled  everything,  and  next  day  my  dear  mother  packed  me 
up  without  more  than  one  tear  on  the  top  of  my  shirts,  about  which 
she  was  most  particular.  But  she  looked  at  me  very  hard  when  she 
had  finished,  and  said, 

"  "Why,  mercy  on  me,  child,  what  a  fidget  you  have  become  about 
your  clothes!  When  you  used  to  go  to  Oxford,  the  trouble  always 
was  to  get  you  to  look  twice  into  your  chest  of  drawers  ;  but  now 
one  would  think  that  your  own  mother  knew  nothing  about  what  is 
fit.  for  you  to  wear.  There  is  something  going  on  down  there,  I  do 
believe,  that  you  don't  think  fit  to  trust  me  with.  I  have  always  un- 
derstood that  those  voters  of  the  public  are  very  crafty  people  to 
have  to  deal  with.  And  they  make  you  promise  almost  anything 
they  like.  Now  don't  you  go  and  promise  to  marry  any  of  their 
daughters  without  consulting  me  about  it.  You  are  a  great  catch 
now,  and  entitled  to  look  high.  And  bear  my  words  in  mind,  al- 
though I  see  that  you  don't  mean  to  tell  me  anything.  You  are  just 
like  your  father  when  it  comes  to  that." 

For  I  felt  that  I  had  no  right  to  tell  her  a  word  about  Laura 
Twentifold  until  I  knew  more;  and  it  would  have  been  more  than  I 
could  bear  to  have  the  matter  lightly  spoken  of,  and  constantly  re- 
ferred to  as  a  common  love-affair,  while  to  me  it  was  so  deep  and 
sacred.  And  I  knew  that  she  would  hurry  off  at  once  to  Mrs.  Wind- 
sor, and  perhaps  Mrs.  Chumps,  to  have  a  good  talk  over  it,  which 
would  have  been  to  me  a  dreadful  profanation,  so  I  made  her  mind 
comfortable,  and  then  departed. 


214  TOMMY  UPMORK 


CHAPTER  XXXVI. 
VOTE   FOB    TOMMY! 

IT  was  indeed  high  time  for  me  to  he  stirring,  if  I  meant  to  he  re- 
turned for  Larkmount,  about  which  I  cared  supremely  little,  except 
as  a  stepping-stone  towards  my  true-love  and  ambition.  For  al- 
though the  influence  of  the  Towers  should  have  been  paramount  in 
the  borough  as  a  matter  of  right  and  long  usage,  the  times  were  be- 
come so  perverted  that  a  brisk  opposition  was  got  up;  and  some 
Liberal  orators  had  been  brought  down  who  had  nothing  whatever 
to  do  with  the  place,  and  cared  not  a  farthing  for  its  interests.  My 
competitor  was  the  owner  of  a  paper-mill,  out  of  which  he  had  made 
a  good  lump  of  money,  and  he  announced  his  intention  to  spend  it 
freely  for  the  national  good,  as  he  presumed  to  say.  As  yet  I  had 
only  paid  a  single  visit  to  the  enlightened  electors  and  their  wives ; 
whereas  Mr.  Squelch  had  been  working  hard  for  months,  with  his 
agents,  committees,  and  "organization"  of  every  kind  in  full  ac- 
tivity. But  Sir  Roland  was  as  confident  as  ever  he  could  be,  and 
made  light  of  the  enemy's  start  in  advance. 

"They  don't  understand  human  nature,"  he  said;  "all  their 
promises  will  have  got  stale  and  insipid,  and  all  their  bolts  of  clap- 
trap will  have  been  shot.  In  fact,  they  will  have  bored  the  poor 
electors  so  that  we  shall  be  a  welcome  novelty.  "We  shall  have  all 
the  ladies  on  our  side,  of  course,  and  in  these  days  of  ballot  that  is 
everything.  An  elector  may  promise  as  much  as  he  pleases,  but  he 
dare  not  tell  a  lie  about  his  vote  to  his  wife." 

Also,  concerning  my  infinitely  higher  and  a  thousand-fold  dearer 
ambition,  it  was  high  time  for  me  to  be  doing  my  best,  and  I  grew 
hot  and  cold  when  I  thought  of  it.  Hot  when  I  heard  from  Sir 
Roland,  who  took  the  pleasure  of  a  cannibal  in  telling  me,  while  I 
could  only  reply,  "Oh  yes,"  "To  be  sure,"  "Very  nice,"  and  such 
like  inanities,  because  of  the  compact  between  us — how  my  Lord 
This  and  Sir  Somebody  that  had  been  staying  at  the  Towers,  and 
were  most  agreeable,  and  had  shot  very  fairly,  and  had  admired  the 
neighborhood  (discharging  far  too  well,  I  feared,  that  duty  towards 
their  neighbor),  and  had  promised  most  readily  to  come  again  for 
the  hunting  and  the  woodcocks  in  November. 

And  cold  I  became  (quite  as  cold  as  a  boy  who  is  told  to  havo 


TOMMY  UPMORE.  215 

his  bed  warmed,  and  a  treacle-posset,  and  to  wrap  up  his  head  in  a 
blanket)  whenever  I  fell  back  upon  my  own  poor  chances,  and  knew 
that  I  must  put  them  to  the  trial  very  soon. 

This  was  quite  certain  to  require  all  my  skill,  as  well  as  a  great 
deal  of  good-luck  at  the  moment.  And  one  piece  of  fortune  be- 
friended me;  to  wit,  that  none  of  those  owners  of  the  earth  were 
there  at  the  time  of  my  arrival.  Two  were  to  come  in  about  ten 
days'  time,  but  I  hoped  to  get  on  a  good  bit  before  that,  and  talk  of 
them  as  strangers  by  the  time  they  came;  for  ladies  in  the  coun- 
try, who  have  not  been  spoiled  in  London,  like  the  faces  they  are 
accustomed  to. 

But  in  spite  of  all  that  my  hopes  were  low;  not  only  because  of 
my  commercial  birth,  and  want  of  high  style,  and  of  dashing  dis- 
dain, and  a  dozen  other  lofty  attributes,  but  also  because  of  my 
natural  deficiency  in  crass  weight  and  stolid  material. 

Somebody  might  say  to  the  most  perfect  of  all  created  beings, 
somebody,  perhaps,  with  a  foot  like  a  duck,  and  a  back  like  the  bole 
of  a  church-yard  yew,  "  Well,  if  I  did  have  a  husband  at  all,  I  should 
like  one  to  make  a  mark  when  the  ground  is  wet;  I  should  like 
one  who  could  come  round  a  corner  safely  without  looking  for  a 
church-tower,  to  see  what  the  wind  is.  Ah,  I  see  how  he  manages 
BO  well  down  here — because  you've  got  such  a  lot  of  weather-cocks! 
Miss  Twentifold,  what  would  you  say  to  yourself  for  slighting  good 
solid  Englishmen,  if  your  bridegroom  made  it  a  honey -moon  in- 
deed by  soaring  to  the  moon  and  leaving  you  to  weigh  the  honey?" 

Truly  there  are  people  who  would  say  all  that,  however  far  be- 
yond their  own  business  it  might  be.  But  would  they  have  the 
chance  of  saying  it?  If  so,  they  would  be  welcome,  for  the  right 
word  would  be  mine — the  word  that  was  worth  all  the  world  and 
its  works. 

AVliile  I  was  entering  into  these  thoughts,  on  the  road  from  the 
station  to  Twentifold  Towers,  Sir  Roland  was  preparing  a  little  de- 
vice, in  my  opinion  neither  friendly  nor  brotherly,  nor  even  seemly. 
Having  returned  the  day  before,  he  sent  a  groom  with  a  dog-cart  to 
bring  me  and  my  luggage  from  the  railway,  according  to  the  train 
agreed  upon;  and  a  pleasant  drive  it  would  have  been,  except  for 
the  troubles  invading  my  heart.  But  just  as  we  came  to  a  little 
gate  opening  into  the  grounds,  about  half  a  mile  from  the  house, 
the  man  said  to  me, 

"If  you  please,  sir,  would  you  mind  taking  the  short  cut  here  to 
the  front?  I  have  got  a  little  job  to  do  at  the  blacksmith's,  and  Sir 
Roland  said  I  had  better  not  keep  you  waiting.  I  shall  be  home 
with  your  traps  about  a  quarter  of  an  hour  after  you." 


216  TOMMY  UPMORE. 

I  was  rather  glad  to  stretch  my  legs  with  a  pleasant  walk  on  such 
a  lovely  afternoon ;  so  I  took  my  bit  of  oak,  with  which  I  had  gone 
to  encounter  Professor  Brachipod,  and  cheerfully  entered  on  the 
footpath  way.  But  when  I  had  walked  about  a  hundred  yards, 
swinging  my  stick  in  defiance  of  dull  care,  and  indulging  in  a  song 
(which  is  a  favorite  of  mine,  because  I  have  steered  so  many  crews 
to  triumph  with  it) — 

"The  flag  that  braved  a  thousand  years 
The  battle  aud  the  breeze  !"— 

suddenly,  in  a  bosky  dell,  I  stood  face  to  face  with  Sir  Eoland  and 
his  sister.  Laura  was  amazed,  and  so  was  I;  and  Sir  Roland  ma- 
liciously kept  his  eyes  intent  upon  his  sister's  face. 

"Why,  Tommy,  what  a  nightingale  you  are  !"  he  said.  "We 
took  a  little  stroll  for  the  chance  of  this  meeting.  Well  done,  old 
fellow,  I  am  very  glad  to  see  you.  I  forgot  to  tell  you,  Laura,  what 
a  treat  we  might  expect.  Why,  you  don't  seem  at  all  glad  to  see 
friend  Tommy !" 

"  Mr.  Upmore  knows  that  I  am  always  glad  to  see  him,"  the  sweet 
voice,  which  always  made  me  tremble,  replied,  as  she  put  her  hand 
in  mine  and  faced  the  sun,  with  a  lovelier  blush  than  he  can  kindle 
in  the  west;  "  but  I  did  not  in  the  least  expect  to  see  him,  and  in 
these  lonely  places  one  is  taken  by  surprise." 

"I  should  think  so  indeed!"  I  exclaimed,  with  a  glance  of  great 
indignation  at  her  brother,  who  was  smiling  as  calmly  as  if  he  had 
done  nothing.  "But  Sir  Roland  thought,  doubtless,  that  it  was  not 
worth  while  to  speak  of  a  visitor  so  insignificant." 

"  I  am  sure  it  was  not  that,"  she  answered  softly;  "  but  he  is  now 
so  full  of  politics  that  we  must  excuse  him  everything.  For  an 
hour  I  have  had  to  listen  to  nothing  but  a  lecture  upon  the  consti- 
tution. Oh,  I  do  think  the  trees  are  so  much  more  glorious  than  the 
poor  little  men  who  cut  them  down!" 

This  was  uncommonly  clever  on  her  part,  for  it  set  her  brother 
off  upon  his  favorite  tirade,  which  he  never  missed  a  chance  of  de- 
livering. And  so  we  walked  into  the  avenue,  pretending  to  listen 
with  the  deepest  interest,  while  I  only  knew  that  at  my  side  was 
Laura;  and  she,  to  make  up  for  the  slight  put  upon  me,  gave  many 
kind  glances  and  one  or  two  delicious  smiles. 

"  To-morrow,  remember,  no  waste  of  time,  to-morrow!"  her  broth- 
er said  firmly,  as  soon  as  he  had  got  to  the  bottom  of  the  very  deep 
vials  of  his  wrath,  by  which  time  we  were  at  the  door  almost.  ' '  No 
spooning  about  trees,  or  the  beauties  of  nature,  or  any  other  beauties, 
but  good,  solid  work.  We  shall  breakfast  early,  and  have  a  long 


TOMMY  UPMORE.  217 

day  at  it.  I  shall  drive  you  to  the  "  True-blue  Hotel "  myself,  and 
take  with  me  a  fellow  who  has  a  brother  at  the  paper-mills.  I  have 
a  grand  trick  against  old  Squelch  in  the  bottom  of  my  turbid  heart, 
as  some  ancient  writer  calls  it." 

"  You  seem  to  be  getting  very  fond  of  tricks,"  cried  his  sister,  as 
she  ran  away  to  dress  for  dinner;  "perhaps  some  will  be  played 
upon  you  before  long." 

Such  was  now  my  state  of  mind,  heart,  and  soul,  as  well  as  of 
body — which  had  long  been  in  training  for  a  great  constitutional  ef- 
fort— that  the  paper-mill  man  might  have  passed  through  his  mill 
as  waste  paper  the  promises  made  him.  Sir  Roland  had  eight  or 
nine  carriages  of  three  generations,  including  some  now  in  use  for 
cock  lofts,  sent  from  the  Towers,  and  we  took  all  the  children  of 
Larkmount  in  batches  for  a  drive,  with  their  pinnies  full  of  sugar- 
plums. There  was  nothing  in  the  Bribery  Acts  as  yet  to  make  such 
a  proceeding  penal ;  though  now,  if  a  candidate  takes  a  fly  out  of  the 
eye  of  a  child,  he  is  bound  to  ask,  firmly,  "My  dear,  is  your  father 
an  elector?  Oh,  then,  I  must  put  that  fly  back  into  your  eye,  or  else 
my  election  will  be  null  and  void." 

But  the  way  these  children  enjoyed  their  drives,  in  a  carnage 
with  two  horses — for  none  of  them  had  less — and  a  big  coat  of  arms, 
and  a  hand  sticking  up;  and  the  way  they  drummed  their  feet  and 
hallooed,  "Vote  for  Tommy!  Down  with  Squelch! 

"  'Down  with  the  pnper-mnn,  brown  and  old  ! 
Up  with  young  Tommy,  all  curls  and  gold  !' " 

it  was  indeed  a  day  to  make  one  proud  of  the  British  Constitu- 
tion. 

"We'll  do  it  again.  We'll  do  it  three  times,  if  you  arc  all  good 
true-blue  children,"  Sir  Roland  said  to  the  biggest-voiced  ones  when 
the  horses  had  made  a  good  day  of  it;  "blue  jackets  for  the  boys, 
and  for  the  pretty  girls  blue  bonnets  or  hats,  if  they  stand  to  their 
principles.  But  no  yellow,  mind  you ;  touch  no  dirty  yellow.  Yel- 
low fever  and  jaundice  for  you  if  you  do.  You  shall  all  have  the 
Gee-gees  to  go  and  vote  for  Tommy." 

"Vote  for  Tommy,  nil  cnrls  and  gold  I" 

we  heard  the  clear  voices  from  the  hill  in  chorus  for  half  a  mile  or 
more  of  our  homeward  road. 

Elated  as  I  was  by  this  triumph  of  pure  principles  and  display  of 
unselfish  innocence,  all  I  kept  asking  myself  was  this :  N  Will  a  body 
worth  the  constituency  piled  on  the  top  of  the  constitution,  and  the 
kingdom  on  the  top  of  the  continent,  ever  be  persuaded  to  '  vote  for 
Tommy  ?'  I  must  know  my  fate.  I  can't  go  on  like  this.  To-night 


218  TOMMY  UPMORE. 

I  shall  have  to  carry  on  again,  as  if  all  I  cared  about  were  piano  and 
backgammon,  and  tobacco  and  billiards  afterwards.  Holy  is  full  of 
resources,  but  I  seem  somehow  to  have  lost  the  very  simplest  move 
of  tactics.  Where  are  all  my  wits  gone?  I  am  only  fit  to  be  in  the 
government. " 

But  if  my  wits  stood  me  in  no  stead,  Luck  (which  is  a  very  far 
higher  power,  coming  immediate  from  Heaven) — she — for  beyond 
any  doubt  she  is  female,  like  the  angels — down  she  came  and  stood 
at  my  right  hand,  and  ordered  me  to  listen  while  she  did  my  work 
for  me. 

"Holy,"  Lady  Twentifold  said,  when  I  had  sung  my  song  about 
the  flag,  which  was  now  become  a  plague,  "  he  has  done  a  very  hard 
day's  work  to-day,  and  he  is  not  made  of  iron,  as  you  are.  To-mor- 
row he  shall  have  a  whole  holiday  with  me  and  Laura  at  Crowton 
and  Sunny  Bay.  You  have  got  business  at  Ipswich,  I  know,  and 
will  not  be  back  till  dinner-time.  But  if  Tommy  will  not  find  it  dull 
to  come  with  us,  and  the  day  is  as  fine  as  to-day  has  been,  we  will 
go  and  see  Sunny  Bay— such  a  pretty  place! — and  look  for  shells  and 
sharks'  teeth  and  carnelians,  unless  you  would  rather  go  practising, 
Tommy,  with  the  keeper,  before  they  come  shooting  again?  There 
are  plenty  of  pheasants  in  some  places  still." 

"No,  he  had  better  go  with  you,"  Sir  Roland  answered  for  me, 
as  he  loved  to  do.  ' '  The  Fates  have  been  against  Tommy's  shoot- 
ing so  far.  He  has  only  been  out  with  me  twice  at  the  rabbits  back 
in  the  summer;  but  I  find  thee  apt;  and  duller  shouldst  thou  be 
than  the  fat  cigar,  Tommy.  None  shall  teach  thy  young  idea  how 
to  shoot  but  I.  Go  thou  with  the  mother,  and  play  at  periwinkles 
and  sandhoppers  and  cowries  an  thou  wilt." 


CHAPTER  XXXVII. 

SUNNY  BAY. 

IN  all  the  wide  world  there  are  lovelier  bays  than  any  to  be  found 
upon  our  eastern  coast.  But  people  whose  happiness  is  only  com- 
parative may  hie  them  away  to  superlative  places,  of  Italy  or  of  the 
Cannibal  Islands. 

But  for  me  there  is  no  place  that  need  be  more  lovely  than  Sunny 
Bay  when  there  is  no  sun  upon  it,  except  what  goes  out  from  the 
shore  into  the  sea.  A  bay  in  the  west  takes  an  unfair  advantage — 
it  looks  at  ite  best  when  the  world  is  looking  at  it;  while  nobody 
gets  up  to  see  the  best  time  of  an  easterly  bay;  or  even  if  he  does 


TOMMY  UPMORE.  219 

In  has  nobody  to  admire  it  with  him.  And  what  use  to  admire  a 
thing  by  one's  self? 

Yet  anything  fit  to  be  called  a  bay  is  so  rare  upon  the  weary 
stretch  of  coast  that  it  must  not  be  looked  in  the  mouth  too  closely, 
nor  measured  by  the  red  tape  of  government  survey.  If  only  it  have 
a  fairly  carven  curve  and  two  definite  points  not  too  far  apart,  a 
bay  it  is  to  be  thankful  for,  and  one  to  be  proud  of  and  rejoice  in, 
if  there  are  hills  and  trees  around  it. 

Sunny  Bay  had  all  of  these ;  and  as  we  drove  down  the  Crowton 
lane  towards  it,  I  thought  I  had  never  seen  anything  so  beautiful, 
the  sea  being  gentle,  and  the  sky  clear  and  sweet.  Lady  Twentifold 
was  pleased  with  my  delight,  for  many  of  her  visitors  made  very 
little  of  it. 

"It  is  the  prettiest  place  upon  the  eastern  coast;  at  least  in  my 
humble  opinion,"  she  said,  "though  I  do  not  pretend  to  be  much 
of  a  judge.  Roly  makes  light  of  it  after  all  his  travels.  But  to  me 
the  familiar  places  are  the  sweetest  when  we  think  of  dear  friends 
who  have  seen  them  with  us." 

I  looked  at  her  eyes,  still  as  beautiful  as  ever,  and  full  of  the 
warm  home-love  which  gives  soft  beauty  to  the  simplest  things. 

"Laura  is  like  her!"  I  said  to  myself;  "Laura  is  like  her.  What 
more  can  be  wished,  except  to  share  so  sweet  a  heart?" 

But  the  first  thing  to  do  was  to  share  the  dinner,  or  luncheon  per- 
haps is  the  stricter  word,  if  strict  words  are  needful  in  a  matter 
where  none  was.  The  carriage  was  sent  away  to  the  inn  at  Crow- 
ton,  for  no  house  here  intended  upon  the  pleasant  meeting  of  land 
and  sea.  The  rocks  were  just  of  the  proper  height  for  table,  chairs, 
and  footstools,  with  bright  green  fringes  here  and  there,  and  mossy 
banks  above  the  tide,  and  a  crystal  rill  for  the  weaker  vessels,  and 
white  sand  for  dainty  feet  to  tap.  To  me  it  appeared  that  all  was 
perfect,  except  my  clumsy  self,  with  hands  that  trembled  and  a 
heart  that  beat  too  fast. 

"You  are  not  well,  my  dear!"  Lady  Twentifold  exclaimed,  for 
she  often  addressed  me  kindly  thus  when  strangers  were  not  pres- 
ent ;  chiefly  perhaps  from  my  fancied  likeness  to  the  dear  child  she 
had  lost.  "  That  canvassing  has  been  too  much  for  you.  You  are 
not  intended  for  public  life.  I  wish  Roly  would  not  force  you  into 
it  so.  Now,  candidly,  which  do  you  enjoy  the  most,  such  a  day  as 
rday,  or  a  day  like  this?" 

With  perfect  truth  I  answered,  "  Oh,  such  a  day  as  this,  a  million 
times !  But  I  am  as  well  as  I  can  be,  and  wonderfully  happy,  I 
assure  you.  May  I  come  and  look  for  shells  with  you?" 

"To  be  sure  you  may.     But  don't  forget  your  promise  to  my 


220  TOMMY  UPMORE. 

loves  of  burrow-ducks.  You  had  better  begin  before  the  tide  comes 
up.  Here  are  the  flat  trowel  and  the  long  flag-basket.  Mind,  the 
least  touch  brings  them  off,  if  you  take  them  by  surprise;  but  if 
you  let  them  know  that  you  want  them,  they  won't  come  without 
being  knocked  to  pieces.  My  little  dears  were  taken  from  their 
nest  near  here,  and  the  scenery  they  prefer  to  everything  is  lim- 
pets. Now,  Laura,  if  you  mean  to  try  another  sketch,  I  think  this 
corner  of  the  rocks  will  be  the  best  place  for  you,  according  to  the 
way  the  light  falls  now.  Tommy  will  follow  me,  I  dare  say,  as 
soon  as  he  has  done  his  duty  to  the  little  ducks." 

This  arrangement  was  not  quite  the  one  I  should  have  made  if 
the  ordering  had  been  left  to  me.  Greatly  as  I  admired  and  loved 
"my  dear  lady,"  I  certainly  should  have  sent  her  shell-hunting, 
while  I  stayed  in  the  corner,  where  the  light  fell  so  nicely,  to  offer 
to  the  nascent  work  of  art  the  only  criticism  that  ever  is  judicious 
— downright,  thick-and-thin  admiration.  However,  not  being  the 
marshal  of  the  forces,  I  made  off  with  tremendous  zeal  to  get  a 
stock  of  limpets. 

But  whether  the  tide  was  coming  in  too  fast,  or  whether  it  was 
going  out  at  a  pace  to  make  one  anxious  about  the  welfare  of  the 
sea,  or  whether  the  limpets  took  to  jumping  like  sand  -  hoppers, 
carrying  their  rocks  along  with  them,  or  whether  there  was  no 
strange  phenomenon  at  all,  save  the  one  that  is  strangest  yet  surest 
of  all — the  result  (which  I  am  not  in  a  position  to  explain,  even  if 
it  concerned  any  salaried  tide-waiter)  was  to  fetch  me  very  sudden- 
ly back  to  that  corner,  with  the  loves  of  the  burrow-ducks  left  to 
woo  the  waves. 

My  own  love  was  gazing,  and,  as  I  hoped,  dreaming  about  some- 
thing that  her  pencil  could  not  trace.  That  little  reed  of  so  many 
whispers,  with  the  secret  of  Midas  inside  it,  was  lying  on  her  block, 
and  the  only  line  it  made  was  its  one  true  production,  its  own  shad- 
ow. But  who  that  ever  moved  it,  and  made  it  far  more  eloquent 
than  any  poet's  tongue,  could  have  granted  to  it  the  expression  of 
the  face  now  leaning  over  it? 

What  sympathy  have  rocks  ?  Ever  since  they  first  began,  the 
chief  object  of  their  life  has  been  to  knock  human  beings  (generally 
on  the  shins  and  knees),  and  to  petrify  them  in  a  cave  at  every  op- 
portunity, and  to  keep  them  from  getting  away  from  the  sea  when 
the  poor  pulse  is  being  beaten  out  of  them.  Typical  are  they  of  all 
that  is  stubborn,  rugged,  and  relentless ;  and  now  one  of  them  fetched 
me  a  knock  on  the  knee  (while  my  presence  of  mind  was  with  Lau- 
ra) that  sent  me  down  into  a  gulley  of  sand,  with  my  limpet-trowel 
running  into  me.  This  was  a  pointed  steel  implement  such  as  brick- 


TOMMY  UP  MORE.  221 

layers  use,  and  my  escape  was  narrow.  A  heavy  man  must  have 
had  a  very  heavy  wound,  and  perhaps  a  fatal  one,  for  the  handle 
of  the  trowel  struck  the  ground  before  me,  while  the  steel  was  point- 
in  LT  at  my  breast.  But  nature  has  allowed  me  some  compensation 
for  the  short  weight  unfairly  served  out  to  me,  especially  quickness 
of  eye  and  of  body.  In  a  word,  what  there  is  of  me  is  good  stuff, 
though  not  much  to  boast  of,  as  you  will  remind  me. 

"Oh,  what  a  fearful  thing !  What  a  very  dreadful  thing!  Darling 
Tommy,  are  you  quite  dead  again?  You  are  always  doing  it  for  the 
good  of  others.  Oh,  put  your  poor  head  up  and  let  me  look  at  you." 

"That  is  not  at  all  the  right  thing,"  I  answered,  after  a  groan  or 
two  to  insure  attention;  "the  proper  thing  is  for  me  to  look  at  you, 
and  that  is  how  I  got  into  all  this  trouble." 

"  How  good  of  you,  Tommy  !  How  very  good  of  you  !  But  do 
let  me  see  where  your  dreadful  wound  is.  I  won't  be  afraid  of  it, 
I  promise  you  I  won't,  because  you  got  it  all  for  my  sake.  You  are 
always  getting  wounds  for  my  sake." 

"Of  course  I  am;  and  why?"  As  I  put  this  question  I  continued 
to  lie  in  the  pit  of  my  fall,  the  position  being  very  nice,  with  Laura 
added  to  it.  "Because  I  am  all  wounds,  and  all  dead,  for  you." 

"Now,  don't  be  so  stupid,"  she  said,  with  one  arm  going  under 
my  side  in  a  spirit  of  inquiry,  and  the  other  coming  very  softly  round 
my  neck,  to  coax  me  to  get  up  if  I  could  only  find  the  power.  "You 
know  that  you  never  are  stupid  unless  you  are  stunned  or  bewil- 
dered through  your  dreadful  heroism.  Oh  do  let  me  try  to  get  this 
fearful  thing  from  under  you.  I  won't  cut  my  hands,  and  if  I  do, 
what  can  it  matter  ?  Very  likely  you  are  bleeding  to  death  all  this 
time.  Why  don't  you  let  me  see  where  your  terrible  wound  is  ?" 

"Because  I  have  only  got  a  little  scratch,"!  answered,  "and  I 
feel  so  very  comfortable  as  I  am.  If  you  could  put  your  face  the 
very  least  bit  nearer — " 

"  Do  you  think  you  could  lie  quiet  while  I  go  and  fetch  my 
mother  ?  She  has  so  much  presence  of  mind,  and  she  is — " 

"  How  far  away?"  I  asked,  in  an  earnest  whisper. 

"  Oh,  nearly  a  mile  along  the  sands,  I  am  afraid." 

"  Then  I'll  get  up  at  once,  if  you  will  kindly  try  to  help  m:\  Only 
promise  that  \ou  won't  be  frightened  by  a  little  scratch,  dear.  It 
is  nothing  but  the  very  smallest  trifle,  I  assure  you.  I  know  one 
thing  that  would  make  it  well  :it  once;  but  there's  no  such  luck 
for  me  as  that.  Both  hands,  darling— I  may  call  you  that  now, 
mayn't  I?" 

"Just  for  the  moment,  while  you  are  so  sad  and  helpless.  Oh. 
but  it  is  a  very  serious  wound!  Let  me  tie  it  up  for  you;  it  is  bleed- 


222  TOMMY  UPMORE. 

ing  quite  fast.  I  know  what  to  do  for  you.  I'll  put  some  laver 
to  it." 

The  point  of  the  steel  had  just  gashed  my  chin — a  narrow  shave 
for  me,  as  an  inch  or  two  lower  would  have  sent  it  into  my  throat, 
no  doubt. 

"  If  you  could  hold  the  laver  to  it  while  I  run  and  fetch  dear 
mother — " 

"Not  for  the  world.  I  want  you,  and  you  only.  I  love  your 
dear  mother  very  warmly,  as  you  know  ;  but  oh,  Laura,  you  can 
never  know  how  I  love  you!" 

"You  are  taking  an  unfair  advantage  of  me  now,"  she  whispered, 
as  she  dropped  her  eyes  but  not  her  hands;  "I  always  thought  that 
you  were  so  upright  and  manly. " 

"So  I  am,"  I  answered,  with  my  usual  candor;  "but  I  don't 
care  how  I  sneak,  or  what  I  do,  if  I  can  only  get  you  to  be  fond  of 
me." 

"What  right  have  you  to  talk  with  your  chin  in  that  condition? 
You  will  undo  all  the  good  my  stupid  hands  can  do  you. " 

She  raised  her  sweet  eyes  to  reproach  me  as  she  spoke,  and  behold 
they  were  full  of  large,  bright  tears ! 

I  only  said,  "Darling,  darling,  darling!"  each  time,  if  possible, 
with  greater  fervor.  And  she  answered,  with  a  smile, "  That  is  what 
I  like  to  be." 


CHAPTER  XXXVIII. 

PREPARE. 

THE  Government  of  England  never  guides  us  long  without  guid- 
ing itself  into  a  fearful  mess.-  The  Tories  and  the  Radicals  are 
much  alike  in  this,  but  they  differ  very  widely  in  their  way  of  get- 
ting out  of  it.  The  former  resign,  or  appeal  to  the  country,  which 
seldom  responds  to  their  chivalry;  the  latter  jumble  up  (instead 
of  joining)  issue,  and  jump  into  jack-o'-lantern  vagaries  all  over  any 
bog,  where  nobody  can  shoot  them. 

This  was  the  policy  in  practice  now.  Our  foreign  relations,  being 
anything  but  friendly,  were  to  be  allowed  to  please  themselves  at 
our  expense,  while  the  gaze  of  the  country  should  be  turned  inward, 
and  its  hands  employed  in  tearing  their  own  vitality.  Very  grand 
measures  were  being  prepared  for  a  fine  subversion  of  established 
things ;  Liberal  statesmen  being  quite  convinced  by  their  own  condi- 
tion that  the  universe  was  wrong.  Of  all  these  projects  the  country 
heard  with  its  usual  self-complacency,  growing  more  and  more  accus- 


TOMMY  UPMORE.  223 

tomcd  to  be  managed  and  driven  by  some  half -dozen  busybodies,  ac- 
cording to  the  usage  of  democracies. 

"We  must  make  a  stand  somewhere,"  said  sensible  people,  but 
left  somebody  else  to  make  it.  "I  draw  the  line  at  this, "or  "I 
draw  the  line  at  that, "declared  the  steadfast  Briton;  but  if  he  drew 
it  anywhere,  it  was  only  in  the  clouds.  What  could  any  single 
hand,  or  even  a  hundred  stout  men  with  a  hundred  hands  apiece, 
avail  when  things  were  gone  so  far?  The  only  man  who  could  ex- 
tinguish the  fire  was  the  very  man  blowing  his  large  bellows  at  it; 
and  in  the  headstrong  weakness  of  his  nature  he  had  shouted  for  a 
gentleman  smaller  than  himself,  but  skilful  in  the  manufacture  of 
malignity. 

So  little  desire  had  I  to  share  in  the  rough  affray  impending,  and 
so  keenly  did  I  feel  my  own  helplessness,  that  nothing  but  Sir  Ro- 
land's stern  resolve  could  have  held  me  to  the  pledge  of  public  life. 
All  I  cared  for  was  to  be  allowed  to  take  my  Laura,  who  had  prom- 
ised to  give  herself  to  me;  and  it  recked  me  very  little  how  the  pub- 
lic might  be  governed  if  my  home  might  boast  so  sweet  a  queen. 
But  although  Lady  Twentifold  had  given  her  consent,  and  waived 
all  obstacles  of  pride  and  birth  in  the  warmth  of  her  good-will  to- 
wards me,  she  made  it  a  condition  that  we  must  secure  the  concur- 
rence of  her  son,  as  the  head  of  the  family  and  master  of  the  race 
of  Twentifold.  And  he  (while  as  friendly  to  me  as  ever,  and  faith- 
ful to  his  promise  not  to  interfere)  sternly  pronounced  that  he  never 
would  consent  until  I  had  rendered  some  good  service  to  the  country. 

"How  am  I  to  do  it?"  I  inquired,  with  good  reason.  "Your 
condition  amounts  to  a  total  forbiddance.  I  have  no  great  abilities, 
as  you  are  well  aware.  I  shall  never  be  an  orator.  I  cannot  even 
put  ten  big  words  together  without  breaking  down;  and  the  ac- 
cepted style  of  oratory  now  requires  a  thousand  long  words  for 
every  particle  of  thought.  And  not  only  that,  but  a  fellow  must  be 
able  to  work  his  words  so  as  to  have  two  kinds  of  meaning — one  for 
the  public  and  one  for  himself — when  he  finds  it  important  to  deny 
them.  No,  Holy,  I  shall  never  be  distinguished.  No  honest  man 
has  any  chance  of  that." 

"  How  high  can  you  go  now  with  a  little  indignation?"  he  asked, 
instead  of  answering  me.  "  I  know  that  you  are  practising,  al- 
though you  are  so  crafty  that  no  one  has  a  bit  of  chance  of  sei-ing 
you.  Why  should  you  be  shy  of  a  power  so  much  rarer  than  the 
most  entrancing  eloquence?  Prepare;  you  can  never  prepare  too 
much.  If  I  could  only  do  what  you  can,  Tommy,  I  would  have  a 
dissolution  in  February,  and  be  the  premier  after  a  very  little  prac- 
tice. Why  don't  you  let  me  know  how  you  get  on?" 


224  TOMMY  UPMORE. 

"Because  you  don't  deserve  it,"  I  answered,  with  some  spirit  ; 
and  by  this  time  he  knew  that  I  had  some  will  of  my  own.  ' '  If 
you  had  said  to  me  about  my  darling  Laura,  '  Tommy,  you  shall 
have  her,  and  I  trust  to  your  own  good  feeling  not  to  leave  a  stone 
unturned  for  the  discomfiture  of  the  Radicals,'  you  might  have  had 
me  for  your  dog — to  sit  up,  or  dance  round  the  room,  or  jump  over 
your  handkerchief  at  order.  That  would  have  been  the  wiser 
course  for  you  to  take." 

I  spoke  with  some  emotion,  and  to  my  mind  my  words  appeared 
altogether  unanswerable.  But  he  looked  at  me  steadily,  and  his 
face  expressed  no  sense  of  contrition.  Neither  did  his  answer. 

"I  considered  all  that,  but  I  found  it  would  be  an  entire  mistake 
so  to  trust  you.  Not  from  any  doubt  of  your  honor,  my  dear  fel- 
low, or  desire  to  oblige  me  after  date,  but  simply  because  all  your 
power  would  be  gone.  For  a  twelvemonth  after  you  have  married 
Laura — supposing  that  such  a  thing  ever  comes  to  pass — there  will 
be  no  possibility  of  stirring  up  any  indignation  in  your  system.  She 
is  so  confoundedly  sweet-tempered  that  you  (who  have  got  too  much 
of  that  already),  doubling  your  stock — as  married  people  do  at  first 
— would  regard  the  loss  of  India,  or  even  a  French  invasion,  with 
perfect  equanimity,  if  they  let  you  alone  with  your  Laura.  And 
without  indignation  you  have  no  wings  now.  I  have  taken  the 
trouble  to  ascertain  that  point;  and  my  settled  conviction  is  that, 
after  you  are  married,  you  will  never  fly  again  until  you  have  a  good 
fight  with  Laura." 

"What  a  very  low  and  coarse  way  you  have  of  putting  things!" 
I  exclaimed,  with,  as  our  poets  say,  a  mixture  of  emotions.  Rapture 
at  the  thought  of  ever  having  Laura;  rage  at  the  base  idea  of  ever 
falling  out  with  her ;  and  astonishment  at  Sir  Roland's  foresight, 
and  grasp  of  the  matter  in  all  its  bearings.  "Why,  you  look  upon 
me  entirely  as  a  subject  for  experiments!" 

"Tommy,"  he  made  answer,  with  a  smile  so  like  my  Laura's 
(whenever  she  wanted  to  be  funny)  that  his  very  worst  sentiments 
might  no  more  annoy  me,  ' '  you  are  too  fond  of  regarding  things 
from  a  narrow  point  of  view.  Science  possesses  no  interest  for  me. 
I  take  facts  as  1  find  them.  I  care  not  a  stiver  why  you  fly.  I  find 
that  you  do  so,  and  that  is  enough.  Science  would  wander  about 
for  years  asking  everything  she  met  to  explain  the  reason,  but  sense 
is  quite  satisfied  with  the  mere  fact,  and  proceeds  at  once  to  make 
it  useful.  Professor  Megalow,  who  knows  everything  (except  the 
iniquities  of  the  Rads),  has  told  me  repeatedly  that  there  has  not 
been  for  some  centuries  any  Englishman  superior  (even  in  his  finest 
moments)  to  the  power  of  gravitation,  except  a  certain  Thomas  Up- 


TOMMY  UPMORE.  225 

more.  Now,  I  care  not  two  skips  of  a  flea  for  the  fact  that  there 
liavc  been,  and  perhaps  still  are,  some  exceptions  among  American 
aboriginals  to  a  law  supposed  to  be  universal.  The  British  public 
cannot  sec  those  fellows,  and  probably  has  never  heard  of  them. 
But  the  British  public  can  see  Tommy;  and  though  capable  no  lon- 
ger of  amazement — after  all  it  has  been  dragged  through— it  is  capa- 
ble still  of  a  mild  surprise,  and  of  rubbing  its  eyes,  and  of  trying  to 
think.  Our  duty  it  is  to  promote  that  effort — a  sore  and  a  stiff  one 
at  first,  no  doubt,  after  five  years  of  Liberal  surrender  of  that  right. 
One  rare  gift,  if  properly  used,  may  restore  the  use  of  another. 
Thought  in  the  national  body  is  as  rare  as  flight  in  the  individual. 
Restore  the  defunct  power,  my  dear  boy,  or  at  least  restore  the  de- 
sire for  it,  which  alone  must  prove  fatal  to  the  Radicals,  and  then, 
but  not  till  then,  will  I  hail  you  as  my  brother  in  the  flesh  and  in 
the  spirit." 

"It  sounds  very  well  if  I  knew  but  how  to  do  it,"  I  answered, 
with  some  kindly  marvelling  at  the  importance  attached  to  me. 
"  You  make  it  a  sine  qua  non  of  brotherhood  in  the  humble  being 
before  you,  '  ut  patria  sit  idoneus,  utilis  ag-ris.'" 

"Exactly.  You  could  not  have  put  it  better.  His  country  and 
the  agricultural  interest  very  nearly  dead,  and  with  which  dies  Eng- 
land, as  her  bitter  enemies  have  long  found  out.  I  have  no  fear  of 
you  when  you  once  get  in,  which  this  autumn  session  will  enable 
you  to  do.  The  writ  will  be  issued  next  week,  the  vacancy  having 
been  declared  already.  Squelch  has  not  a  chance,  and  you  shall  take 
your  seat  formally,  so  as  to  be  ready  for  the  great  fight  in  the  spring. '' 

"But  Chumps?"  I  asked;  "  when  is  Bill  coming  down?  He  will 
do  you  a  great  deal  more  good  than  I  can.  You  seem  to  take  it 
easily  about  getting  him  in  for  Silverside. " 

"Because  there  is  no  chance  of  any  opposition.  Flanker  will 
not  resign  until  February.  I  have  had  a  little  talk  with  him  and 
made  that  square.  The  oddest  part  of  all  is  that  I  had  the  hardest 
work  to  get  out  my  own  warming-pan.  The  others  have  behaved 
like  gentlemen.  There  will  be  six  of  us,  with  the  three  who  still 
remain.  All  staunch  fellows,  and  not  a  fool  among  them,  unless  it 
is  your  humble  servant.  Come  and  have  a  game  of  pyramids,  friend 
Tommy." 

Very  often,  when  I  thought  about  Sir  Roland  Twentifold,  I  could 
not  help  feeling  surprised  at  his  devotion  to  that  drycst  and  dullest 
of  all  games — at  least  in  my  opinion — politics.  He  was  fond  of  field- 
sports,  a  bold  rider,  a  good  shot,  a  great  lover  of  dogs  and  of  out- 
door life,  and  a  hater  of  town  existence.  Yet  all  these  were  only 
light  pleasures  to  him,  while  politics  and  the  strife  of  parties  seemed 

15 


226  TOMMY  UPMORE. 

to  be  his  passion.  Handsome  as  he  was,  and  a  fine  young  man, 
with  a  rent-roll  even  finer,  and  therefore  at  a  high  demand  in  the 
London  market,  he  passed  among  all  the  fair  snares  uncaught,  with 
a  pleasant  smile  justly  distributed. 

I  ventured  to  ask  Lady  Twentifold  once  how  she  (so  free  from 
prejudice,  and  so  full  of  good-will  to  the  world  at  large)  could  have 
brought  up  her  son,  with  such  set  convictions  and  principles,  per- 
fectly upright,  but  sometimes  almost  too  unbending.  She  looked 
up  with  a  kind  but  rather  melancholy  smile  from  the  paper  on 
which  she  was  making  a  pencil-sketch  of  a  very  grand  oak-tree,  still 
in  its  prime,  but  as  rugged  as  a  ruin. 

"Who  brought  up  this  tree?"  she  asked. 

"Nature  does  everything  now,"  I  replied;  "it  used  to  be  the 
Lord,  but  it  is  nature  now.  In  a  few  years  more  it  will  be  science. 
When  we  tire  of  that  it  will  be  accident.  And  after  that,  some- 
thing even  nobler." 

"But  the  tree  will  be  the  tree,"  she  answered,  gently,  for  her  fear 
about  me  was  that  I  might  grow  too  scientific  if  led  into  arguments 
against  it;  "I  prefer  to  say  that  the  Almighty  made  it  so,  though 
few  ladies  now  would  agree  with  me.  My  dear  Tommy,  I  have  no 
more  to  do  with  the  bent  of  Roly's  mind  than  I  have  with  the  twists 
and  turns  of  this  tree.  He  inherits  it  all  from  his  grandfather, 
upon,  I  suppose,  what  the  learned  people  call  the  system  of  alter- 
nation. My  dear  husband,  Roland's  father,  would  never  go  near 
Westminster,  although  we  had  a  house  in  London  then,  to  see  our 
friends  in  the  season.  He  sat  for  Twentibury  in  his  own  chair,  or 
in  the  saddle,  according  to  the  season,  and  everything  went  on  as 
nicely  as  could  be.  But  his  father  had  been  of  an  uncomfortable 
nature,  desiring  to  make  speeches,  and  to  meddle  generally — his 
grandfather  having  been  a  strong  Jacobite — and  the  whole  of  it 
comes  out  again  in  my  Roly." 


CHAPTER  XXXIX. 

FOR  PUBLIC  AND  PRIVATE  BENEFIT. 

THE  alternate  system,  as  Lady  Twentifold  called  it,  happily  pre- 
vails in  the  national  England  as  well  as  in  the  domestic.  When 
one  batch  of  statesmen  have  done  a  world  of  harm,  and  are  getting 
skilful  at  it — as  in  three  years,  or  four  at  the  outside,  they  are  sure 
to  learn  to  be — a  cry  of  "turn  them  out"  begins  first  in  the  gallery ; 
then  the  people  who  pay  more  look  up,  and  soon  become  inclined 


TOMMY  UPMORE.  227 

to  rap  their  sticks.  Before  long  a  general  demand  arises  for  the 
room  rather  than  the  company  of  the  individuals  on  the  platform. 
If  they  are  gentlemen  they  make  their  bow  and  retire,  heartily  wish- 
ing bad  luck  to  their  successors.  But  if  they  are — something  that 
rhymes  with  Rads,  they  pretend  to  hear  naught  till  a  stunning  row 
arises;  and  then  they  do  this,  they  call  out, 

"Policeman,  let  in  all  the  public  who  have  got  no  tickets.  They 
won't  have  seen  any  part  of  our  performance,  and  therefore  they 
can  judge  impartially." 

This  was  the  very  thing  going  on  just  now.  The  government 
had  no  leg  left  to  stand  on — a  very  good  reason  for  their  not  going 
out;  but  sitting  on  the  quarter  which  had  been  well  kicked  (to  keep 
Britannia  in  countenance),  they  were  doing  what  we  little  boys  in 
Maiden  Lane  were  clever  at  (until  the  new  system  abstracted  our 
material),  that  is  to  say,  making  go-cartfuls  of  dust,  to  blow  through 
a  pipe  at  the  inquiring  public. 

Seven  measures  of  primary  importance  had  been  promised,  and 
hecatons  of  wise  rogues  had  been  sent  round  to  inoculate  the  public 
with  an  itch  for  home  dust,  as  a  pleasant  little  change  from  the  na- 
tional mud  stains;  and  a  flourish  of  trumpets  had  filled  the  air  of 
England  with  a  Krakatoa  volume  of  that  fine  material  which  con- 
tains the  germs  of  everything.  In  the  gracious  speech  from  (their 
own  cracks  in)  the  throne  ministers  solemnly  informed  the  country 
that  internal  repairs  were  its  urgent  deed,  and  the  only  way  to  make 
them  was  to  pull  it  all  in  pieces,  and  double  all  the  stuff,  with  the 
blessing  of  the  Lord.  The  good  old  material  had  groaned  at  this; 
but  what  is  the  use  of  groaning,  with  the  hatchet  in  the  air? 

The  first  need  of  all  was  to  get  rid  of  land-owners.  Land  belongs 
to  every  one,  and  therefore  to  no  one.  Why  have  men  got  feet,  ex- 
cept to  plant  them  where  they  like?  Nature  has  implanted  in  the 
human  heart  a  profound  desire  for  the  ownership  of  land.  This 
proves  that  everybody  must  own  land;  but  how,  without  kicking 
every  other  body  out?  Towards  that,  the  first  step  is  to  kick  out 
present  owners.  When  the  others  get  in  they  must  be  kicked  out 
too.  There  is  no  other  way  to  have  it  cultivated  properly ;  but  this 
will  insure  a  "succession  of  crops."  It  may  seem  a  hard  measure 
to  take  away  at  once  what  a  man  has  spent  his  life  in  earning;  but 
with  a  little  patience  that  evil  will  die  out. 

Nothing  can  be  simpler  than  to  provide  that,  after  a  certain  date, 
no  land-owner  shall  be  capable  of  prolonging  his  unjust  tenure  by 
the  suppeditation  of  heirs  to  \\\<  estate.  No  physical  means  will  be 
taken  to  this  end.  He  will  still  remain  in  full  enjoyment  of  every 
British  right — civil,  moral,  social,  and  politico-occonomical.  But  he 


228  TOMMY  UPMORE. 

must  not  have  children,  or,  if  he  dares  to  do  so,  the  State  will  tako 
them  from  him,  and  enlist  them  in  the  army,  at  the  usual  age  of 
British  soldiers — sixteen ;  or,  if  they  be  girls,  they  will  have  a  free 
passage  to  the  chiefs  guaranteed  to  be  ravaged  by  the  Boers. 

The  second  great  measure  was  the  dust-bin  franchise,  or — at  suf- 
ficient distance  from  London  to  insure  intelligence — that  of  the 
dust-pan.  A  sanitary,  not  to  say  a  necessary  measure,  appealing  to 
every  heart  and  hearth. 

The  third  (whose  preamble  was  eloquence  itself,  to  such  an  ex- 
tent that  it  cannot  be  cited)  enabled  the  surrender,  without  consid- 
eration, of  all  strong  places  at  present  held  by  her  Majesty's  forces 
upon  foreign  soil,  or  soil  which  (without  such  British  occupation) 
would  be  foreign  to  this  realm.  Also,  of  all  British  ships-of-war, 
whether  built  to  pass  over  the  waves  or  beneath  them,  together  with 
all  fittings  and  implements  of  war  (in  proportions  to  be  defined  by 
the  schedules  thereafter)  to  the  following  Powers ;  that  is  to  say, 
France,  Russia,  and  the  Irish  Republic,  more  commonly  known  as 
the  Land  League. 

The  fourth  bill  provided  for  the  abolition  of  every  municipal  cor- 
poration, or  other  corporate  or  incorporate  body  of  burgesses  or  an- 
cient freemen,  making  claim  to  deal  with  their  own  affairs  without 
license  from  the  home  secretary,  or  the  local  government  board,  or 
the  railway  station  that  might  be  nearest,  unless  such  municipal 
body  could  show  that  they  had  not  been  constituted  for  more  than 
ten  years,  and  consisted  entirely  of  Liberals. 

Short  and  sweet  was  the  fifth  bill  of  government.  It  had  no  pre- 
amble but  this:  "Whereas  no  Englishman  knows  how  to  govern 
himself, "and  then  it  enacted  that  no  man  should  play  cards,  chess, 
backgammon,  quoits,  skittles,  billiards,  bagatelle,  or  any  other  game 
of  chance  or  skill,  except  in  the  presence  of  a  certified  policeman,  at 
a  distance  of  not  less  than  half  a  mile  from  any  licensed  victualler, 
with  no  more  than  two  sterling  pence  at  stake ;  every  such  game  to 
be  discontinued  immediately  upon  the  home  secretary's  yawn,  which 
would  be  announced  throughout  all  English  counties  by  telephonic 
agency.  But  in  Scotland  and  Wales,  and  wherever  else  the  Liberal 
cause  was  predominant,  all  people  might  play,  whenever,  wherever, 
and  for  whatsoever  sum  they  pleased. 

Of  the  sixth  bill,  the  man  of  the  greatest  experience  and  insight 
to  be  found  (at  any  cubeage  of  mileage  from  London,  and  all  its  stu- 
pidity) could  not  make  head  or  tail,  though  he  sat  up  until  a  police- 
man from  the  Home  Department  ordered  him  to  bed.  The  only 
theory  at  all  to  be  entertained  about  it  was  that  the  gentleman  in- 
trusted with  the  draft  had  taken  another  to  inspire  him  for  his  la- 


TOMMY  UPMORE.  220 

bors,  or  else  bad  imbibed  too  deeply,  perhaps,  the  spirit  of  his  subject. 
It  was  all  about  Ireland  (from  which  the  great  St.  Patrick  expelled 
all  the  devils,  on  the  herd  of  swine  system — except  that  they  stop- 
ped in  the  Emerald  Isle),  for  nothing  can  ever  drive  home  to  the 
unmeasuniltlc  apogee  of  Radical  brains  the  wisdom  of  leaving  un- 
stirred Camerina.  Since  the  party,  by  means  of  cold  summers  and 
hot  ravings,  stuck  their  heels  into  the  country's  ribs,  they  had  never 
allowed  it  to  chew  anything  but  black  wild  oats  of  Ireland.  Perish 
India,  perish  Colonies,  perish  England,  perish  everything,  except 
savages  who  -stab  all  kindness!  And  their  last  panacea  was  this 
great  measure — to  govern  Ireland  according  to  Irish  ideas.  ' '  Where- 
as no  Irishman  obeys  the  laws,  and  thereby  incurs,  illegally  an(\  un- 
justly, the  stigma  of  lawlessness,  be  it  enacted  that,  after  the  passing 
of  this  act,  there  shall  be  no  laws  in  Ireland."  With  the  aid  of 
Hibernian  members  this  bill  was  certain  to  pass,  and  it  could  do  no 
harm. 

The  seventh  and  last  of  the  measures  upon  which  the  govern- 
ment staked  its  existence  (although  they  had  fifty-two  more,  which 
tlu-y  pledged  themselves  to  carry  if  shoved  on  much)  was  sensible 
and  simple,  and  consistent  with  all  legislation  in  that  province.  It 
merely  prohibited  the  opening  of  flowers,  whether  under  glass  or 
out-of-doors,  after  six  o'clock  P.M.,  forasmuch  as  a  scientific  mem- 
ber had  assured  a  witty  but  unwise  young  baronet  that  certain  of 
them  are  guilty  of  intoxicating  agency. 


CHAPTER  XL. 

PAIR    COUNSEL. 

"Or  all  truths,  the  surest  is  the  truth  well  established  by  the  be- 
havior of  Britons  for  many  years  now :  one  man  may  steal  a  horse 
and  canter  away,  with  every  hat  (even  the  owner's)  tossed  up  in  ap- 
plause of  the  brilliant  proceeding,  while  the  same  man's  first  cousin 
(who  peeped  through  the  hedge  at  the  dew  on  the  grass  or  the  dai- 
sies) lies  groaning  in  the  stocks,  and  perhaps  touches  his  hat  to  the 
luck  which  rides  over  everything.  If  any  other  man  of  any  English 
era,  from  Heptarchy  to  Hccatarchy  (that  last  child  of  Hecate),  had 
stolen  from  its  happy  mead,  and  lashed  into  foam,  and  thrown  upon 
its  knees,  with  its  strong  back  broken,  that  fine  old  nag,  the  British 
Constitution,  after  the  horse  he  would  have  had  the  cart — which  is 
not  his  own  order  of  placing  them — and  the  cart  would  have  been 
the  one  that  drives  to  Tyburn." 


230  TOMMY  UPMORE. 

Thus  said  Sir  Roland.  But  owning  no  land  and  no  sentiments 
(therewith  transmitted,  and  tripled  at  every  other  generation),  I 
scarcely  knew  who  had  been  stealing  the  horse,  and  only  hoped  that 
the  nag  would  come  home  again ;  for  a  horse  is  the  most  sacred  of 
all  property — infinitely  dearer  than  house,  wife,  or  child,  according 
to  the  precedents  of  English  law — and  very  likely  he  deserves  it. 

But  what  did  I  care  about  horses  or  hedges  or  the  clever  man  who 
made  the  horse  jump  the  hedge  (ready  saddled  that  he  might  steal 
him),  or  even  the  state  of  the  British  Constitution,  which  passes 
through  so  many  horse  -  chanting  hands?  My  convictions  were 
solid,  and  their  grounds  of  the  same  character — all  grouted  in  with 
concrete,  and  pointed  with  best  Portland  cement,  and  not  a  bit  of 
lime-blow  anywhere,  nor  any  sign  of  job-work  to  be  found  in  them. 
Yet  I  am  not  ashamed  to  say — because  I  shall  secure  all  honest  sym- 
pathies— that  if  my  orders  had  been  to  make  tea  for  the  man  who 
stole  the  horse,  and  a  bran-mash  and  litter  for  the  animal  thus 
stolen,  and  to  whistle  to  both  of  them  while  they  did  their  duties, 
the  teapot  and  the  bucket  and  the  other  necessaries  would  not  have 
been  out  of  the  reach  of  my  arm. 

But  why,  as  everybody  has  taken  to  ask  now,  "  Why  do  you  do 
this?  and  why  don't  you  do  that?" — the  last  thing  that  any  man 
should  have  to  explain,  because  it  leads  him  into  a  tremendous  lot 
of  lies.  He  has  not  the  least  idea  why  he  did  a  single  one  of  them. 
But  he  can't  say  that;  and  he  sets  to  with  after- thoughts,  like  a  man 
who  builds  his  house  of  the  chimney-pots. 

In  my  case,  however,  there  is  no  hard  why.  To  the  youngest  (or 
even  the  oldest)  intelligence  the  flexibility  of  my  principles  (though 
granitic  as  above)  needs  no  explanation  when  I  set  before  them 
Laura. 

"Dear  Tommy,  don't  be  made  a  party  man,"  she  said  to  me  just 
before  Parliament  met,  and  while  I  was  holding  a  skein  of  floss-silk 
(which  is  diflicult  stuff  to  manage)  that  she  might  wind  it  for  some 
lovely  work. 

"You  are  the  party  that  makes  me  one,"  I  answered  with  a  sigh, 
to  earn  some  gratitude.  "Can  anybody  question  the  purity  of  my 
motives  when  he  looks  at  you,  dear?" 

"I  don't  want  compliments  instead  of  common-sense,  Tommy. 
Of  politics  I  know  next  to  nothing,  although  I  hear  so  much  every 
day.  But  all  I  hear  is  upon  one  side  so  much  that  I  cannot  help 
thinking  what  the  other  side  may  be,  and  sometimes  I  should  like 
you  to  try  it." 

"Darling,  have  you  any  thought  that  has  not  its  image  and  coun- 
terpart with  me?  Whatever  passes  through  your  most  beautiful 


TOMMY  UPMORE.  231 

mind  at  the  very  same  moment  comes  through  mine,  only  yours  is 
so  very  superior." 

"No,  Tommy,  no.  You  must  never  say  that,  because  I  shall  fear 
that  you  are  laughing  at  me.  Now,  don't  drop  the  silk — no,  I  don't 
look  charming;  and  there  was  nothing  whatever  in  the  situation  to 
compel  you  to  do  it,  or  me  to  allow  it.  You  keep  on  manufacturing 
excuses  of  that  sort,  and  a  rising  statesman  should  be  above  such 
conduct.  Where  was  I?  You  have  quite  deranged  my  thoughts. 
Oh,  about  the  present  state  of  the  nation,  to  be  sure !  Holy  is  a  great 
alarmist;  but  I  cannot  see  any  harm  at  all  going  on,  and  I  do  hate 
wars  and  faction-fights.  Why  need  you  go  up  to  take  your  seat  at 
all?  My  father  was  in  Parliament  continually,  but  he  took  care 
never  to  go  near  it. " 

"Neither  would  I  if  I  could  help  it,  Laura.  But  the  times  are 
very  different  now.  I  have  not  the  least  chance,  dear,  of  ever  at- 
taining what  I  long  for  most  in  all  the  world,  except  by  going  up, 
and,  more  than  that,  doing  something  to  satisfy  your  dear  brother." 

"Well,  promise  me  one  thing,  Make  beautiful  speeches  (as  you 
ought  to  do,  after  all  your  practice  in  saying  fine  things  to  me 
every  day),  and  so  become  a  leader  of  great  principles,  but  try  not 
to  be  harsh  with  any  one.  It  would  spoil  your  nature,  which  is  so 
sweet  and  cheerful.  Remember  that  the  gentlemen  you  disagree 
with  have  a  right  to  their  own  opinions,  and  a  claim  to  be  treated 
as  gentlemen,  instead  of  being  abused — oh,  in  shocking  language ! 
Sometimes  Roland  makes  me  stare. " 

"  He  is  very  hot,  indeed,"  I  could  not  help  admitting,  as  I  smiled 
at  the  horror  on  the  sweet,  kind  face.  "But  remember,  dearest, 
that  they  give  him  reason,  for  they  care  very  little  what  they  say 
themselves.  And  much  worse  than  that  is  what  they  do — at  least 
in  his  honest  opinion.  He  believes  them  to  be  ruining  his  country. 
Can  a  warm-hearted  young  man  be  expected  to  sprinkle  rose-water 
on  the  destroyers  of  his  country?" 

"  That  is  the  opposite  extreme,"  she  insisted,  with  more  common- 
sense  than  could  be  gainsaid.  "Surely  he  might  express  what  he 
feels  in  forcible  language,  without  imputing  bad  motives  and  all 
sorts  of  wickedness  to  people  who  may  be  doing  harm,  but  are  not 
doing  it  on  purpose.  At  any  rate,  Tommy,  though  he  is  past  cure, 
and  soon  puts  me  down  if  I  dare  to  say  a  word,  I  shall  cease  to  be- 
lieve that  you  care  for  me  if  I  hear  of  your  going  on  so." 

Well,  here  was  a  cleft  stick  for  me  to  be  in!  If  I  should  fail  to 
prove  myself  a  red-hot  Tory,  Sir  Roland  would  have  none  of  me. 
Whereas,  if  I  won  his  good-will  in  that  way,  his  sister  would  throw 
me  over.  Not  that  she  put  it  so  coarsely  as  that ;  but  when  a  girl 


232  TOMMY  UPMORE. 

says  that  she  will  not  believe  in  a  man's  affection  for  her,  it  gener- 
ally means  that  her  own  for  him  will  be  in  still  greater  danger.  My 
fortune  is  always  to  get  into  scrapes,  and  my  nature  to  get  out  of 
them. 

When  I  returned  to  "Placid  Bower"  as  the  elected  of  Lark- 
mount-on-the-hill  (for  paper  had  not  the  least  chance  against  soap), 
I  found  my  dear  mother  in  a  state  of  much  excitement,  and  ready 
to  believe  almost  anything. 

Now,  why  does  excitement  so  multiply  the  powers  of  faith  when 
it  ought  to  do  the  opposite?  However,  so  it  does,  and  the  slaves  of 
"  pure  reason  "  are  as  credulous  as  any  in  their  ardor  for  it. 

But  my  dear  mother  (though  the  kindest  hearted  and  most  liberal 
minded  of  nearly  all  women)  always  considered  it  an  insult  to  have 
pure  reason  in  any  form  applied  to  her.  And  right  she  was  when 
the  premises  were  hers,  and  she  had  bought  out  even  the  ground- 
landlord. 

"Tommy,"  she  said,  "I  am  always  most  particular  in  my  ex- 
pressions about  the  government.  Your  father  took  some  excellent 
government  contracts  through  his  heroism  with  the  three-inch  hose, 
otherwise  how  could  we  have  bought  this  house?  It  is  useless  for 
you  to  talk  as  if  that  government  was  not  the  same  as  this  one. 
That  may  be  true,  but  it  proves  nothing.  A  government  must  be 
the  government,  and  the  government  it  was  that  paid  us  so  much 
money.  So  that  I  will  hear  no  complaints  against  them  for  this 
trifle  or  for  that,  because,  of  all  things,  I  have  such  a  scorn  for  in- 
gratitude. We  may  not  like  everything  they  do  about  cards  and 
policemen  and  railway  stations,  and  preventing  my  evening  prim- 
roses, because  of  being  overthrown  by  Lord  Beaconsfield.  But  we 
must  not  be  selfish,  my  dear  son,  nor  expect  to  have  everything  to 
our  liking.  In  a  penny  evening  paper,  which  seems  to  be  clever, 
and  writes  about  everything,  I  have  found  out  everything  they 
mean  to  do,  and  I  quite  agreed  with  him  that  stupid  people  may 
misunderstand  it.  For  instance,  I  don't  like  giving  up  the  fleet; 
though  no  doubt  it  is  a  most  expensive  thing,  and  your  dear  Uncle 
William  is  now  no  more.  But  the  first  and  greatest  of  the  acts  they 
mean  to  do  appears  to  me  like  a  sign-post  with  the  finger  of  Provi- 
dence upon  it.  Not  that  I  should  ever  feel  the  very  least  desire — 
and  nothing  could  come  of  it,  in  my  time,  of  course— but  it  would 
be  so  beautiful  for  you,  my  dear!" 

It  took  me  some  time  to  discover  what  this  meant,  and  my  mother 
was  not  very  anxious  to  explain.  But  at  last  I  found  out  that  the 
sign-post  pointed  to  my  possession  of  the  Twentifold  estates  if  Sir 
Roland  were  prohibited  from  having  any  heirs  !  That  one  of  the 


TOMMY  UPMORE.  233 

best  and  simplest  of  her  sex  should  have  strayed  into  the  snare  of 
covetousness  (set  by  all  measures  that  dabble  with  property)  deter- 
mined me  at  once  to  fight  that  measure  to  the  utmost. 

Bill  Chumps  was  come  back  from  his  wedding-tour  (having  been 
called  to  the  bar  and  the  altar  one  day  after  each  other),  but  not  aa 
yet  called  into  Parliament  by  the  voice  of  Sir  Roland  Twentifold. 
His  father  gave  a  dinner  at  "The  Best  End  of  the  Scrag,"  because 
his  own  house  was  not  large  enough,  and  no  man  who  was  there 
ever  tastes  a  fine  joint  without  saying,  "Ah, but  you  should  have 
had  a  cut  from  the  baron  and  the  saddle  of  old  Chumps  that  day. 
I  have  often  tasted  fine  meat;  but,  by  George,  sir,  I  never  knew  what 
velvet  was  till  then  !  There  was  not  a  foreign  kickshaw  handed 
round,  but  any  man  who  wanted  unintelligible  compounds  might  go 
and  fill  his  spoon  at  the  sideboard. 

Sir  Roland  was  there,  and  made  the  speech  of  the  evening,  a  great 
deal  better  than  Bill's  ;  for  Bill  got  his  at  the  back  of  his  tongue  be- 
forehand, and  then  forgot  every  word  of  it,  and  his  heart  (being 
meant  to  play  second  fiddle)  refused  to  come  up  and  take  first  one. 
But  Roly  did  really  roll  it  out  in  a  style  which  gave  me  great  hopes 
that  he  might  upset  most  of  the  seven  bills  of  the  enemy  without 
calling  upon  my  poor  resources.  And  we  had  a  jolly  evening,  I  can 
assure  you,  though  there  is  no  time  to  say  any  more  about  it  now. 

In  return  I  invited  (with  mother's  good  leave)  a  snug  little  party 
of  loyal,  enlightened,  and  truly  large-hearted  Conservatives  to  dinner 
at  our  humble  "Placid  Bower"  on  the  Monday  evening,  with  the 
session  beginning  on  the  following  day.  Mr.  Windsor  was  there, 
and  my  old  friend  Jack  (now  growing  very  partial  to  Belinda 
Chumps),  as  well  as  Mr.  Peelings,  the  great  potato-dealer,  Mr.  Blew- 
itt,  of  the  indigo  factory,  and  of  course  Mr.  Chumps  and  his  son 
William,  and  several  other  gentlemen,  one  of  whom  was  the  owner 
of  TJie  Pratt  Street  Express,  a  sound  and  influential  journal.  The 
object  of  the  dinner  was,  in  the  foremost  place,  to  dine,  and  then  to 
deliver,  for  my  comfort  and  direction,  the  safest,  most  practical,  and 
constitutional  counsels  ever  yet  vouchsafed  to  any  youthful  repre- 
sentative. 

Of  all  these  gentlemen,  Jack  included,  there  was  not  one  but  re- 
garded me  as  sent  into  Parliament  for  his  own  use  and  benefit,  as 
well  as  for  a  high  example  of  wisdom,  after  following  his  advice. 
But  the  worst  of  it  was  that  no  two  of  them  gave  me  the  same  ad- 
vice beyond  general  precepts — to  look  sharp,  to  be  cautious,  to 
my  pluck  up.  As  soon  as  I  wanted  to  thread  my  needle  and  make 
my  coat  with  their  furnishing,  behold,  it  was  not  even  yarn,  or  I 
might  say  wool,  growu  long  enough  for  combing.  They  had 


234  TOMMY  UPMORE. 

thought  out  none  of  the  things  they  talked  of,  and  the  round-hand 
lessons  in  a  copy-book  would  serve  me  as  good  a  turn  as  theirs. 

However,  they  all  agreed  in  condemning  all  the  seven  great  meas- 
ures of  the  government,  although  upon  widely  diverse  grounds,  dis- 
agreeing very  warmly  as  to  what  their  badness  was.  And  this  made 
me  doubt,  when  I  came  to  dwell  upon  it,  whether  after  all  they 
could  be  so  very  bad.  When  a  dog  is  tail-piped,  sympathy  arises  in 
every  bosom  that  has  tails  behind  it ;  as  soon  as  he  is  pelted,  his 
merits  grow  on  every  one  who  cannot  find  a  stone  to  throw  at  him ; 
but  let  him  have  sticks,  bottles,  tiles,  flints,  brick-bats,  each  expres- 
sive of  a  different  stand-point,  yet  all  promiscuously  hurled  at  him, 
and  to  every  candid  mind  that  cannot  get  the  window  open,  what 
is  he  before  he  turns  the  corner?  Why,  a  hero,  a  martyr,  a  saint  of 
a  dog. 


CHAPTER  XLI. 

THE  RIGHT  WAY  TO  SURRENDER. 

IT  is  not  in  my  power  to  describe  to  you  all  the  mixture  or  the 
magnitude  of  my  feelings  when  I  entered  what  our  noble  journalists 
— who  choose  words,  like  oysters,  by  their  fatness — call  the  "Portals 
of  St.  Stephen." 

It  is  superfluous  to  say  that  a  policeman  met  me ;  the  differentia  of 
that  species  being  to  jump  up  (like  the  teeth  of  Cadmus)  outside  of 
all  requirement,  and  to  vanish  (like  Berenice's  hair)  inside  it. 

"You  can't  come  in  here,  young  man."  He  made  this  remark 
(looking  over  my  head,  for  his  stature  was  six  feet  four,  and  his  mouth 
opened  upward,  as  all  good  police  mouths  do)  in  a  tone  which  con- 
veyed that  it  was  unofficial,  and  required  some  apology  for  excess  of 
affability. 

' '  Peeler,  yes  he  can,  though !  He  have  a  right  in  there, "  exclaimed 
a  voice  behind  me.  "He  don't  look  very  nobby,  p'raps,  with  all 
that  hair,  but  he  have  the  same  right  as  I  have,  Master  Bobby.  In 
marches  Tommy  Upmore,  M.P.  Tommy,  now  won't  you  shake 
hands  with  me  ?  One  old  friend  is  worth  a  score  of  new  ones. 
Without  me,  so  help  me  Sammy,  never  would  you  be  here,  my  boy ! 
But  I  bears  no  malice  if  your  mind  is  the  same.  Shake  hands, 
Tommy.  There's  worse  gen'lemen  to  be  found  than  Joseph  Cowle, 
Esquire,  M.P." 

Perhaps  I  have  never  received  or  inflicted  a  stronger  sensation  of 
surprise.  This  may  have  been  to  find  my  own  importance  (which 


TOMMY  UP  MO  RE.  235 

must  have  been  growing  too  rankly)  assaulted  by  a  policeman  and 
asserted  by  a  chimney-sweep. 

"Mr.  Cowl,"  I  asked,  while  giving  him  my  hand— though  his  own 
would  not  have  been  the  worse  for  a  ' '  repelatur  haustas  "  of  the 
little  boiler  engine— "have  you  quite  recovered  from  your  dreadful 
cold?" 

"All  Liberals  suffers  from  throatiness,"  he  replied,  "same  as  To- 
ries does  from  cheekiness.  M.P.  for  Chimney-stacks  now  I  am, 
Tommy,  with  an  e  to  the  tail  of  my  name  as  well.  The  missus 
would  have  it,  with  her  education,  though  beyond  me  to  pro- 
nounce it  without  'Cowly.'  How  you  are  going  up  the  tree,  hot 
cockles!" 

"  And  you  up  the  chimney!"  I  replied,  -with  a  glance  at  his  dress, 
which  was  worthy  of  the  first  of  May.  "  I  never  could  have  guessed 
who  you  were;  and  how  could  you  recognize  me,  Mr.  Cowly?" 

"Come  now — come  now!"  He  spoke  as  a  groom  to  a  horse  cut- 
ting too  many  capers.  "  After  the  print  of  you  on  the  title-page  of 
all  the  leading  magazines — 'head  of  hair  unparalleled  outside  the 
polar  regions,  3«.  6d.  per  bottle,  and  then  throw  away  your  combs!' 
Ah,  Tommy,  dust  comes  perfessional  to  me.  We  know  what  sends 
you  into  this  here  crib.  Five  hundred  a  week,  and  a  royalty  on 
sales.  Pays  better  than  ledgery  slating!" 

I  had  heard  of  these  absurd  reports  ere  now,  and  I  never  hope  to 
hear  the  last  of  them.  Is  there  any  credulity  among  barbarians  a 
hundredth  part  as  wild  as  that  of  the  British  public  in  such  matters? 
People  of  fair  common-sense,  and  with  some  experience  of  the  world, 
believed  that  I  was  making  an  enormous  income  by  lending  my 
name  and  my  countenance — full-front,  profile,  and  three-quarters — 
to  fellows  who  advertised  hair-oil,  balsams,  electric,  and  fifty  other 
sorts  of  comb,  and  even  my  own  father's  speciality,  soap  (such  as 
cured  all  the  convicts) — not  one  of  whom,  I  deeply  regret  to  assure 
you,  upon  my  honor,  as  the  member  for  Larkmount,  ever  paid  me  a 
shilling,  or  even  asked  me  to  dinner! 

But  one  is  apt  to  dwell  too  much  upon  such  trifles.  If  I  have  put 
a  penny  (one  per  cent,  honest)  into  any  enterprising  tradesman's 
pocket,  I  make  him  a  present  of  the  honest  portion,  which  would  not 
be  worth  legal  expenses. 

Questions  of  a  thousand-fold  more  importance  thronged  upon  me 
now  as  I  entered  the  House  under  convoy  of  the  member  for  Chim- 
ney-stacks, who  whispered  to  me  that  the  Dust-pan  Bill  was  mainly 
of  his  own  suggestion. 

Having  been  introduced  already  at  the  end  of  the  autumnal  sit- 
ting, I  did  not  require  his  services  in  that  way,  but  found  a  quiet 


236  TOMMY  UPMORE. 

corner  for  my  hat,  and  thought  of  the  time  when  I  put  down  my 
trencher  some  five  years  ago  in  the  chapel  of  Corpus. 

Then  we  rushed  to  hear  the  Royal  speech,  rather  like  a  mob  of 
workmen  when  the  bell  rings;  and  Sir  Roland,  whose  strength  lay 
in  hurrying  others  more  than  himself,  appeared  quite  at  his  leisure, 
and  laughed  as  he  shook  my  hand  to  find  it  trembling. 

"You'll  soon  get  over  that,"  he  said,  as  if  he  had  been  some  fifty 
years  in  Parliament.  "  But  who  is  your  friend  with  the  dark  com- 
plexion?" 

I  told  him  the  story;  but  he  did  not  laugh  at  all  heartily,  as  I  had 
expected. 

"An  exceedingly  dangerous  fellow,"  he  exclaimed.  "To  be 
sure,  I  know  all  about  him  now.  One  of  the  cleverest  of  all  the 
Clasts,  with  the  true  password  for  the  cabinet.  An  anarchist,  a 
socialist,  a  communist,  and  everything  else  that  rhymes  with  fist, 
which  is  the  only  tool  to  meet  them  with.  Chumps  is  the  man  for 
such  fellows;  but  we  shall  not  have  him  here  for  a  fortnight. 
There  now,  faithful  Commons,  go  home.  But  they  will  have  no 
homes  to  go  to  except  a  common  if  all  this  comes  to  pass.  And 
yet,  how  well  it  has  been  made  to  sound  for  people  who  do  not  care 
for  sense!" 

I  was  not  of  his  opinion  upon  that  point.  To  my  simple  mind, 
plain  English  words,  mainly  of  English  birth,  and  showing  (one 
after  the  other)  what  they  mean,  without  any  tangles  or  knots  in  them, 
are  the  right  words  to  move  the  English  heart.  Whoever  speaks 
thus  wins  all  my  ears,  and  goes  a  long  way  towards  winning  my 
heart,  because  he  is  my  brother  Englishman.  And  even  for  sound, 
what  power  is  there,  whatever  the  scowl  of  the  cloud  may  be,  in 
long  foreign  thunder,  below  the  horizon,  and  perhaps  meaning  some- 
thing in  Italy  or  Greece?  But  the  Royal  speech,  as  usual,  meant 
nothing  anywhere,  any  more  than  the  poor  man  who  foretells  the 
weather. 

"A  greenhorn  like  you,  Tommy,"  said  Sir  Roland,  as  if  he  had 
served  at  least  through  the  Long  Parliament,  "would  expect  a 
great  fight,  and  a  smash-up  at  once,  to  follow  up  that  palaver.  But 
Thong,  who  knows  everything,  tells  me  that  nothing  except  little 
Irish  rows  will  be  on  for  a  fortnight.  And  we  can  do  a  heap 
more  good,  he  says,  by  going  down  to  Silverside  and  making 
Chumps  safe,  than  by  hanging  about  for  any  trumpery  divisions. 
It  is  jolly  to  see  a  fellow  in  his  troubles.  Suppose  we  start  to- 
morrow?" 

"With  all  my  heart,"  I  answered.  And  in  saying  this,  I  had 
used  the  right  words  at  the  right  moment.  Not  that  I  cared  to  see 


TOMMY  UFMORE.  237 

Bill  in  the  straw  so  much,  although  it  is  a  pleasant  spectacle,  but 
that  I  did  long,  with  all  my  heart,  to  hear  Laura's  opinion  on  poli- 
tics, with  the  whole  of  her  Majesty's  speech  cut  out  and  pasted  up 
—as  I  had  told  her  to  do  it — in  the  corner  of  my  little  room,  where 
I  meditated,  and  had  left  a  woolly  outline  of  my  head  against  the 
wall 

Our  work  was  to  be  at  Silverside,  where  Bill  and  his  father  al- 
ready were  in  residence,  having  taken  the  front  that  looked  over 
the  porch  on  the  High  Street  side  of  the  ' '  Bull-and-Mouth  Hotel." 
William  Chumps,  Esquire,  had  brought  down  "his  lady,  a  lovely 
bride  of  some  nineteen  summers,"  as  the  Siherside  Constitutional  de- 
scribed her,  though  I  could  depose  that  she  was  four-and-twent}r, 
being  eleven  months  older  than  myself,  and  no  bride  of  any  summer 
at  all,  but  married  to  Bill  for  three  months  of  the  winter.  There 
was  no  taint  of  envy  in  my  feelings.  She  certainly  looked  very 
handsome,  and  had  spent  a  good  lump  of  her  £12,000  in  apparel; 
and  Bill,  of  course,  was  mightily  proud  of  her.  But  to  dream  for 
a  moment  that  I  was  pining,  as  her  melancholy  manner  towards  me 
conveyed — I  longed  very  often  to  bring  my  Laura;  but  a  scene  of 
that  kind  was  not  fitted  for  her.  Patriotic  sentiments  repressed  my 
private  anger,  and  I  worked  very  hard  for  Bill,  and  wrote  him  some 
good  posters. 

"  Now,  I  am  off  for  the  Towers,"  I  said  to  Sir  Roland  only  two 
days  before  the  one  fixed  for  the  poll;  "I  can't  stand  any  more  of 
this,  and  Bill  cannot  want  me  any  longer.  I  have  had  the  very 
kindest  letters  from  your  mother;  and  if  you  prefer  racket  to  home- 
life,  I  don't.  I  will  meet  you  in  London  any  day  you  may  appoint, 
but  I  must  have  a  little  quiet  first.  'Tis  as  bad  as  a  boat-race  every 
day;  and  at  Henley  once  I  lost  my  nerve  from  too  much  of  it,  and 
we  got  whacked." 

"I  see,"  he  replied,  as  he  was  fond  of  doing.  "Another  man's 
laurels  wreathed  with  orange-blossom  are  hard  to  behold  philosophi- 
cally. Go,  Tommy,  go  and  recruit  your  roses.  But  remember 
our  compact.  You  have  won  nothing  yet." 

He  might  say  what  he  pleased  when  he  smiled  like  Laura,  though 
his  smile  was  strength,  and  hers  was  sweetness.  That  evening  I 
arrived  where  I  was  welcome,  and  the  lovely  blush  and  soft  whisper 
of  a  kiss  were  worth  a  world  of  politics  and  Parliament. 

The  privilege  of  changing  their  minds  has  always  been  handsome- 
ly yielded  to  fair  ladies,  so  long  as  they  do  not  change  therewith 
their  precious  hearts  and  pure  affections.  I  found  my  Laura  in  a 
vastly  different  politieal  vein  from  her  previous  one.  She  had  taken 
some  peeps  into  the  newspapers,  not  at  all  for  the  sake  of  the  public, 


238  TOMMY  UPMORE. 

but  for  mine,  and  all  the  deep  warmth,  of  her  nature  was  stirred  by 
the  Radical  outrage  to  her  country  and  her  home. 

"About  the  Suffrage  and  the  Constitution  and  the  Abstinence 
Cause  I  know  nothing,  or  less  than  nothing — as  gentlemen  express 
it,  though  I  don't  see  how  there  can  be  less  than  nothing,"  she  said 
to  me  the  very  day  after  my  arrival;  "but  about  right  and  wrong, 
everybody  has  a  right  to  some  opinion.  For  poor  land-owners,  what 
is  it  but  robbery,  downright  robbery,  to  take  away  their  land,  and 
compel  them  to  start  afresh  to  earn  more?  But  oh,  Tommy,  Tommy, 
it  takes  all  my  breath  away  to  think  of  surrendering  the  English 
fleet  to  the  bitterest  enemies  of  England!  Oh,  come  in  here,  that  I 
may  show  you  something  it  will  strengthen  all  your  principles  to 
see." 

There  are  few  things  more  impressive  to  the  model  British  mind 
— of  which  mine  is,  I  am  proud  to  say,  a  very  tidy  specimen — than 
a  genuine  series  of  ancestors  in  oil  proved  (by  internal  and  external 
evidence)  extraneous  to  Wardour  Street.  Monuments,  perhaps, 
have  a  still  grander  savor,  especially  recumbent  figures  of  the  knight 
and  his  lady  on  a  slab  together,  with  the  little  ones  that  failed  to 
come  to  harm  sculpturally  coming  up,  like  frogs,  for  the  blessing. 
But  these  are  very  rarely  to  be  found  in  any  chancel  or  chapel  by 
the  dozen,  while  the  pictures  have  an  old  family  habit  of  keeping 
together.  And  to  me  it  appeared  that  the  Twentifold  race  were 
what  our  dear  cousins  (who  supply  our  slang,  after  stealing  our 
standards)  call  "real  grit,"  for  never  having  driven  me,  or  anybody 
else,  into  this  caravan  of  dead  Twentifolds;  for  my  gallery  of  an- 
cestors was  restricted  to  a  photograph  of  my  dear  father,  and  an 
ancient  daguerreotype  of  Uncle  Bill. 

"Oh,  Laura,"  I  cried,  when  I  saw  them  stretching  (like  the  win- 
dows of  a  stop-at-all-stations-train)  for  a  furlong  without  any  corner, 
"how  can  you  look  at  all  these  great  people,  and  come  down  from 
them  to  a  nobody  like  me?" 

"Hush!"  she  said.  "How  dare  you  talk  like  that?  I  didn't 
bring  you  here  to  be  impudent,  Tommy." 

"But  I  am  astonished,"  I  replied — "astonished  that,  with  all 
these  looking  at  you,  you  can  look  at  me!" 

"What  is  there  astonishing  in  it?"  she  asked,  coming  up  and 
putting  both  hands  on  my  shoulders.  "It  is  because  I  love  you, 
dear." 

At  any  other  time  I  must  have  kissed  her  for  those  simple  and 
noble  words.  It  was  no  thought  of  the  ancestors  that  robbed  me 
of  that  pleasure,  but  I  could  not  bear  that  she  should  look  into  my 
eyes  and  see  how  full  they  were  of  tears.  But  I  ventured  to  put 


TOMMY  UPMORE.  239 

my  arm  round  her  waist,  and  she  gave  me  her  left  hand  to  comfort 
me. 

"  Here's  the  fine  old  gentleman  I  brought  you  in  to  look  at."  Her 
voice  was  quite  gay  again,  to  pass  the  fuss  over.  "Does  he  look 
as  if  he  would  surrender  our  fleet  to  the  enemies  of  England?" 

"He  looks  fitter  to  make  all  her  enemies  surrender.  What  a  reso- 
lute face!  and  how  his  foot  is  planted!  Ah,  if  we  had  any  man  to 
plant  his  foot  and  shut  his  mouth  in  that  style  now !  All  open 
mouth  now,  as  Roly  says — open  mouth,  tongue  instead  of  chin,  and 
instead  of  strong  fist  chattering  fingers.  A  man  of  that  stamp  can 
never  have  belonged  to  any  time  later  than  Nelson's.  No  govern- 
ment would  employ  him  now  in  any  of  our  trumpery  '  demonstra- 
tions.' Let  me  look  at  him.  It  does  me  good." 

The  picture,  being  by  no  well-known  artist,  would  doubtless  be 
called  a  daub  by  all  art-critics  rightly  flourishing;  but  to  me  it 
seemed  full  of  life  and  spirit  not  always  to  be  found  in  mighty  mas- 
An  admiral  of  the  ancient  days,  and  himself  growing  ancient, 
stood  at  a  gangway  before  his  men  to  repel  assault  of  boarders.  In 
his  i-iirlit  luind  was  a  big  sword,  flashing  almost  as  brightly  as  his 
eyes,  while  his  left  hand  pointed  to  the  Union  Jack,  waving  through 
a  cloud  of  smoke  above. 

"  Who  was  he?"  I  asked.  "He  means  to  do  it.  I  should  have 
been  sorry  to  board  that  ship." 

She  drew  from  behind  the  frame  a  plate  of  gilt  metal  engraved 
in  red,  "  Admiral  Sir  liupert  Towers-Twentifold,  A.D.  1740." 

"  Yes,  he  did  it,"  she  answered,  with  her  eyes  almost  as  bright  as 
his;  "  he  cut  three  men  down  with  his  own  hand,  and  then  leaped 
on  board  the  Spanish  ship,  drove  the  crew  below,  and  captured  it. 
lie  \vas  the  sixth  back  in  straight  line  from  Roly,  and  Roly  some- 
times looks  exactly  like  him.  That  makes  it  my  favorite  picture  of 
them  all,  though  I  like  Roly  better  when  he  looks  quiet." 

"It  won't  do  to  look  quiet  always,"!  replied,  with  the  spirit  of 
the  conflict  caught,  "except  for  such  sweet  souls  as  you.  Darling, 
you  make  lovely  patchwork.  Will  you  do  a  little  job  for  me  with- 
out a  word  to  any  one?" 


240  TOMMY  UPMORE. 


CHAPTER  XLII. 
SPARS. 

THE  government  had  intended  wisely  to  deal  the  first  of  their 
seven  great  blows  at  the  weal  of  their  hostile  country  with  the  bill 
(which  they  were  sure  to  pass)  for  swamping  the  votes  of  the  enemy. 
With  this  once  done  to  suit  their  book,  any  dissolution  of  Parlia- 
ment must  redound  to  their  sole  benefit.  But  this  pretty  plot  was 
not  played  out  according  to  arrangement,  for  the  Irish  members 
stopped  it. 

These,  although  they  had  their  own  bear-garden  now  in  College 
Green,  found  treason  there  too  orthodox  to  afford  any  pure  enjoy- 
ment, and  made  a  point  of  coming  over  to  keep  their  pepper-boxes 
hot,  which,  according  to  the  Kill-England  Compact,  were  to  be  at 
their  service  forever.  And  still  sticking  together — like  bots  in  a 
horse,  though  without  any  humor  apparent — they  made  everything 
go,  or  not  go,  according  to  their  own  appetite. 

Their  appetite  now  was  all  wide-mouth  for  the  third  part  of  our 
fleet  protocolled  to  them,  and  with  national  ardor  and  stupidity  they 
roared  for  the  passing  of  that  bill  at  once,  and  the  government  of 
course  gave  way  to  them.  Stupidity,  I  say,  because  if  they  had 
waited  for  the  Dust-pan  Bill  they  would  have  had  our  fleet  entire. 

"Gentlemen, I  begin  to  have  some  little  hope  now, "Sir  Roland 
said  to  us,  as  soon  as  we  had  finished  an  excellent  dinner  as  his 
guests  at  the  Cockles  Club — for  so  everybody  calls  the  "Horatius 
Codes "  at  Westminster  Bridge.  There  were  twenty  of  us  there, 
all  M.Ps.,  and  not  one  would  have  feared  to  take  a  header  off  the 
bridge,  having  Mr.  Panclast  under  his  arm.  "  To-morrow  the  fight 
begins,  and  the  enemy  (through  his  own  currish  nature)  affords  us 
one  more  chance.  If  he  had  taken  up  the  dust-pan  first,  with  the 
regiment  behind  him  that  sucks  his  buttons,  he  must  have  swept 
everything  before  him.  But  in  dread  of  O'Woundy  and  Digger,  he 
takes  up  the  craze  every  Briton  cries  shame  at  before  he  has  thor- 
oughly gagged  them.  I  need  not  remind  you  that  public  opinion, 
as  it  used  to  be  called,  is  against  this  bill  more  than  all  the  others 
put  together.  But  public  opinion  is  a  dead  letter  now,  since  the 
Press  tried  to  pass  their  own  for  it.  And  even  if  it  had  the  Press 
to  back  it,  the  Hecatons  would  light  their  pipes  with  it.  To  me  it 


TOMMY  UPMORE.  241 

appears  that  our  last  chance  lies  in  the  ghost,  long  expatriated,  of 
patriotism,  if  only  it  might  for  one  half -hour  revisit  the  glimpses  of 
this  English  moon.  But  what  says  our  excellent  and  powerful  ally, 
the  newly-elected  of  Silverside?" 

Bill,  though  he  had  only  got  his  seat  three  days,  had  already  made 
two  speeches,  and  being  always  full  of  argument  he  was  glad  to 
make  another.  But  as  he  made  another,  containing  the  very  same 
observations,  in  the  House  next  day,  I  need  not  report  what  he  said 
just  now.  Not  that  I  would  blame  any  man  for  saying  the  same 
things  twice,  or  twenty  times.  No  man  can  put  a  new  head  to  his 
hammer  every  time  he  thumps  a  block  of  coal,  and  we  Britons  used 
to  be  a  fine  block  of  Wallsend,  hard  to  splinter  and  impossible  to 
crack  without  fifty  good  thumps  in  the  hole  of  each  other.  The 
government  knew  this,  and  made  their  fire  of  the  rubble. 

Our  case,  though  the  best  that  could  possibly  be  found,  seemed 
likely  to  be  a  bad  one.  Mr.  Thong,  who  knew  exactly  how  every 
vote  would  go,  reported  that  the  best  we  could  hope  for  was  a  mi- 
nority of  fifty.  Every  Irishman,  of  course,  would  vote  for  the  glory 
of  Ireland  and  the  disgrace  of  Great  Britain,  except  some  half  dozen 
who  had  been  in  our  army  or  navy,  and  still  had  some  regard  for 
the  old  flag;  so  that  our  hearts  were  very  gloomy  when  the  great 
debate  began. 

The  government  introduced  their  bill  with  the  old  clap- traps  about 
"universal  peace,  good-will  everywhere,  fraternity  of  nations,  sym- 
metry, harmony,  beneficence  of  commerce,  expansion  of  the  intel- 
lect,  and  so  on.  To  all  these  noble  things  now  there  remained  one 
wretched  little  obstacle,  which  it  was  our  duty  and  our  privilege  to 
remove  at  once,  the  leprous  stain  of  blood-guiltiness  and  greed  " — in 
the  mill  of  their  eloquence  they  ground  up  metaphors — "and  that 
obstacle  was  the  ambition  of  England.  If  once  we  proffered  to  the 
world  at  large  this  magnificent  pledge  of  our  candor,  confidence, 
and  chivalrous  resolve  not  to  raise  our  hands  against  those  who 
infill  indeed  appear  desirous  to  trample  on  our  bodies,  but  would 
abstain  when  they  found  them  so  defenceless,  then,  and  not  till  then, 
should  we  be  able  to  claim  the  proud  title  of  promoters  of  the 
glorious  cause  of  humanity."  There  was  a  great  deal  more  even 
finer  than  this,  but  is  it  not  written  in  the  chronicles  of  Hansard? 

The  Liberal  benches  were  rent  with  explosions  of  applause,  like 
an  ancient  fig-tree,  while  on  our  side,  presently,  an  honorable  mem- 
ber gained  earnest  attention  by  imitating  to  a  nicety  the  clucking  of 
a  hen  that  calls  her  chicks  together. 

Being  new  to  the  manners  of  the  House,  and  zealous  upon  all 
points  of  order,  up  I  jumped,  and  began  to  run  about,  trying  to  catch 

1G 


242  TOMMY  UPMORE. 

with  my  hat  the  Dame  Partlet  so  intrusive  in  high  places.  Roars  of 
laughter  were  my  reward,  the  greatest  of  great  guns  joining  in;  and 
even  the  omnipotent  premier  gave  me  a  smile  of  extraordinary 
sweetness.  I  had  earned  the  good-will  of  the  House  forever,  and 
until  I  am  gray  I  shall  be  called  "  Green  Tommy." 

Now,  this  may  seem  a  very  small  and  childish  affair  at  a  time  most 
truly  momentous,  and  some  will  accuse  me  of  my  accustomed  trivial- 
ity in  recounting  it.  But  without  fear  of  contradiction  from  any 
then  present  and  able  to  form  opinion,  whether  Liberal  or  Conserva- 
tive, I  say  that  the  cluck  of  an  imaginary  hen  changed  the  fortunes 
of  Great  Britain  for  at  least  ten  years,  though  her  foes  will  prevail  in 
the  end,  no  doubt.  That  is  to  say,  unless  there  is  from  time  to  time 
— as  there  ought  to  be,  according  to  analogy — an  outbreak  of  savage 
fury,  havoc,  mad  bestiality,  and  wallowing  murder  in  that  centre, 
heart,  soul,  brain,  queen,  star,  crown,  sun,  and  Deity  of  the  universe 
which  Mr.  Windsor  calls  "Parree."  Insanity  there  makes  London 
sane  ;  as  a  man  I  know  well,  who  cut  down  his  best  friend — too  late, 
alas !  for  any  but  the  Coroner— has  been  afraid  ever  since  to  go  near 
a  belfry. 

But  the  turn,  by  which  that  cluck  saved  our  Capitol,  had  nothing 
to  do  with  either  vigilance  or  terror,  but  simply  led  up  to  a  condi- 
tion of  good-humor.  Good-humor,  which  is  sure  to  come  after  a 
laugh,  and  a  boyish  laugh,  especially,  brings  back  to  the  mind  of  a 
man,  for  a  moment,  that  he  is  not  the  only  man  in  the  world.  He 
may  not  be  able  to  believe  it  very  long,  and  is  quite  certain  not  to 
remember  it;  still,  even  to  fancy  that  there  are  some  others  improves 
his  behavior  a  good  bit. 

The  government  saw  that  the  vein  of  the  moment  was  not  at  all 
in  their  favor;  and  two  of  the  cabinet  went  to  crave  leave  of  the 
Irish  members  to  put  off  the  division.  Sir  Roland  told  me  that  he 
hoped  they  would  get  it ;  while  I,  knowing  nothing  of  tactics,  hoped 
that  the  matter  might  be  settled  out  of  hand,  while  the  members 
appeared  so  light-hearted.  For  surely  no  Briton,  unless  in  "  the 
blues  " — which  all  Rads,  from  disease  of  the  conscience,  suffer  — 
would  vote  for  abandoning  every  stick  and  stone  that  our  fathers 
gave  their  poor  brave  lives  for.  But  Roly  was  right,  and  I  was 
wrong;  as  appeared  most  plainly  afterwards.  The  Irish  captain, 
desiring,  for  a  reason  of  his  own,  to  oblige  the  prime-minister,  gave 
orders  that  the  debate  might  be  adjourned,  if  the  government  par- 
ticularly wished  it. 

This,  as  you  will  see,  proved  a  good  chance  for  us.  But,  to  take 
things  in  their  proper  order,  refreshing  my  memory  by  the  notes  of 
the  member  for  Silversidc,  who  had  learned  shorthand,  I  find  pretty 
nearly  as  follows : 


1  TOMMY  UPMORE.  243 

When  the  bill  was  entirely  before  the  House — in  all  its  perfect 
symmetry,  according  to  their  language;  in  all  its  naked  enormity, 
according  to  ours — the  leader  of  the  opposition  rose,  and  in  the 
most  courteous  and  placid  manner  (which  alone  might  have  proved, 
by  its  difference  from  theirs,  on  which  side  sense  and  justice  lay) 
moved,  not  the  entire  rejection  of  the  bill — for  that  appeared  too 
hopeless,  in  the  teeth  of  their  vast  majority — but  a  moderate  amend- 
ment, which  had  been  considered  (as  half  a  loaf  is  better  than  no 
bread)  to  be  the  utmost  an  Englishman  could  hope  for.  Inasmuch 
as  our  foreign  possessions  and  our  fleet  were  declared,  by  the  voice 
of  the  universe,  to  be  a  standing  menace  to  civilization,  and  an  out- 
rage to  all  foreign  sentiment,  he  proposed  that  the  fortresses  should 
be  dismantled  and  the  fleet  blown  up,  instead  of  being  handed  over 
intact,  for  the  use  of  our  enemies.  This  enraged  the  government 
almost  more  than  the  direct  negation  would  have  done.  The  usual 
outcry  against  half  -  measures  arose;  and,  to  support  it,  arose  Mr.  I. 
Beright. 

He  was  a  very  great  orator,  one  of  the  greatest  of  all  recent  times; 
because  he  possessed — what  our  ancestors  had,  but  we  for  the  most 
part  have  lost — the  power  of  putting  plain  meaning  into  plain  words. 
A  very  great  man  as  well,  from  the  clearness  and  solid  consistence 
of  his  mind;  and  even  yet  greater  he  might  have  been,  if  nature  had 
endowed  him  with  the  power  also  of  saying  "  I  be  wrong"  some- 
times. However,  it  was  a  real  treat  to  hear  him,  whatever  one's 
opinion  of  him  might  be;  because  there  was  no  need  to  fish  for  his 
meaning,  and  be  vexed  with  one's  self  for  not  catching  it.  Indeed,  so 
immense  was  the  force  of  his  words,  and  his  aspect  so  large  and 
commanding,  that  it  tdok  me  a  long  time  to  set  up  again  my  own 
weak  convictions  against  his  strong  ones.  Luckily,  however,  some 
little  fellows  followed,  who,  doing  their  utmost  to  deepen  his  track, 
succeeded  very  nicely  in  obliterating  it — like  a  lot  of  children  fol- 
lowing a  giant  in  the  snow.  Several  members  also  of  the  opposi- 
tion spoke,  appealing  to  the  buried  bones  of  patriotic  principle,  and 
reading  long  extracts  from  obsolete  speeches,  and  solemn  declara- 
tions of  the  present  premier;  all  of  which  were  capable  of  being  ex- 
plained away,  whenever  there  was  no  denying  them.  And  at  half- 
past  two  the  debate  was  adjourned,  on  the  motion  of  Lord  Grando 
Crushbill. 


244  TOMMY  UPMORE. 


CHAPTER  XLIII. 

THE  BATTLE  AND  THE  BREEZE. 

ALL  Europe  had  concluded,  long  ago,  that  the  Government  of 
England  had  left  itself  no  other  blunder  to  commit,  and  no  further 
disgrace  to  fall  into.  But  all  Europe  was  wrong  in  this  conclusion; 
for,  before  our  debate  came  on  again,  tidings  of  a  new  disaster,  and 
a  fresh,  foul  scorn  to  British  blood  and  heart,  rang  through  the 
streets  of  London.  Those  streets  were,  by  this  time,  so  well  used 
to  the  sound  of  surrenders  and  massacres,  seizures  by  Russia  of  this 
and  of  that,  and  French  bombardment  of  Britons,  that  they  took 
it  as  calmly  as  the  passing  of  the  plague  -  cart  in  September,  1665. 
Men,  full  of  business,  shook  their  heads  at  the  newsboys  (who  spoil 
their  own  traffic  with  chalk,  as  England  has  done  with  her  flourish 
of  "free-trade"),  aad  the  extra  editions  of  the  evening  papers  went 
back  to  their  offices,  except  a  few  copies,  sold  to  visitors  wise  enough 
to  live  far  north.  In  short,  the  public  knew  it  all  without  paying, 
and  kept  all  their  half -pence  to  pay  for  the  result. 

We,  who  were  punctual,  heard  it  all  (after  prayers)  announced,  in 
a  telegraphic  voice ;  as  a  thing  that  should  go  in  at  one  ear  and  out 
at  the  other,  in  every  head  giving  up  its  brains  (as  every  head  that 
has  got  any  does)  to  the  only  one  worth  counting.  The  Liberal 
members  seemed  thankful  for  the  news;  because  we  could  scarcely 
have  rescued  the  hero,  and  redeemed  our  faith,  for  twelve  hundred 
pounds;  and  because  it  set  us  free  to  look  after  some  other,  who 
would  truckle  more  kindly,  and  pay  his  own  way.  But  we  thought 
it  very  bad — very  bad,  indeed;  though,  of  course,  it  was  treason  to 
say  so.  And  none  of  us  saw  any  light  in  it;  which  shows  that  our 
eyes  were  not  open. 

This  piece  (of  a  piece  with  the  rest)  of  foreign  news  happened  to 
arrive  on  a  Saturday;  and  we  (for  the  sake  of  the  fifty-two  reforms) 
had  a  Saturday  sitting  already;  which  lasted,  in  fact,  until  church- 
time  on  Sunday,  and  must  have  despatched  any  other  prime  -  min- 
ister to  a  place  where  even  he  would  scarcely  hold  all  preferment. 
However,  his  influence  adjourned  the  fourth  commandment — as  it 
used  to  treat  the  third — even  in  the  souls  of  Scotchmen. 

For%the  few  who  like  to  see  one  of  our  disasters  discussed  upon 
its  merits,  the  best  chance  is  when  the  news  arrives  near  about  noon 


TOMMY  UPMORE.  245 

of  Saturday.  It  is  too  late  then  for  the  evening  papers  to  shed  their 
mild  light  upon  it,  even  if  they  all  employed  the  gentleman  who 
settles  (at  a  glance,  and  a  stroke)  all  the  monthly  labor  of  the 
magazines.  And  as  for  the  Sunday  papers,  any  that  were  not  out 
on  Friday  night  (reversing  the  premier's  chronology)  have  shut  their 
frames  now,  and  are  working  off.  This  is  as  it  should  be,  enabling 
a  sound  Briton  to  go  to  church,  without  praying  for  the  Commina- 
tion  Service. 

Then,  upon  Monday  morning,  like  a  string  of  horses  who  have  ob- 
served the  Sabbath,  with  a  loud  neigh  and  caper,  rush  forth  the 
morning  papers.  They  swallow  up  the  earth,  like  the  horse  of  Job, 
trample  under  foot  a  few  writers  of  fiction — as  though  they  had  none 
on  their  own  backs — scatter  the  thunder  of  their  neck  (or  cheek) 
upon  every  man  they  have  no  fear  of,  and,  with  one  or  two  quiet  ex- 
ceptions, go  down  upon  their  knees,  for  the  master  of  the  period  to 
mount  them,  if  he  deigns. 

But  on  this  Monday  morning  they  came  out  mildly  (the  most 
rampant  nag  knows  where  his  oats  are  kept),  sniffing  the  air  for  the 
direction  of  the  breeze,  and  going  gingerly,  as  if  some  English  flint 
remained.  And  they  found  very  speedily,  and  so  did  we,  that  the 
great  steam-roller  had  not  crushed  out  every  power  of  spark  from 
our  ancient  metal. 

"The  tone  of  the  press  is  changed,  at  last,"  Sir  Roland  Twenti- 
fold  said  to  me,  when  the  House  was  meeting  for  the  final  issue; 
"too  late  to  help  their  country  much,  but  in  time  to  give  waverers 
some  excuse  for  wavering.  There  will  be  as  full  a  House  as  ever  was 
known.  But  our  seats  are  safe.  Come,  and  let  me  introduce  you 
to  Lord  Grando." 

This  was  the  nobleman  who  had  lately  come  to  the  forefront  of 
honor  and  of  justice,  in  right  of  plain  language,  clear  mind,  and 
fine  pluck.  Whether  he  were  a  fine  Christian  or  not  is  more  than  I 
can  pretend  to  say,  but  he  observed  one  leading  precept  infinitely 
better  than  his  great  opponent.  When  men  reviled  him,  and  perse- 
cuted him,  and  said  all  manner  of  evil  against  him,  he  rejoiced,  and 
was  exceeding  glad.  And  of  this  joy  he  had  ample  store  to  last  for 
many  generations.  ' '  Ilorrida  grando, "  was  his  name  with  the  Rads ; 
and  he  always  came  down  upon  them  like  a  pelt  of  hail.  Yet  he 
curried  no  frost  in  his  tail;  for  his  manner  was  vigorous,  warm,  and 
stimulating. 

"I  am  to  begin,  as  you  know,"  he  said,  with  a  gay  smile,  to  Sir 
Roland,  in  whom  he  had  found  a  fearless  spirit,  equal  even  to  his 
own.  "  I  have  great  hopes.  What  say  you?" 

"He  has  the  true  old  English  spirit,  he  never  knows  when  he  is 


246  TOMMY  UPMORE. 

beaten,"  Roly  said  to  me,  as  we  went  to  our  seats,  for  a  crush  of 
members  came  pouring  in.  ' '  And  I  will  tell  you  another  thing, 
Tommy — he  will  not  be  beaten  always.  If  we  can  only  dish  that 
Dustpan  Bill  (or  even  if  we  have  it),  I  will  back  him  for  First 
Lord  of  the  Treasury.  All  he  wants  is  mellowing,  and  time  will 
bring  it." 

Before  the  resumption  of  the  great  debate  a  few  little  questions 
were  asked,  concerning  the  very  sad  news  of  Saturday.  The  leader 
of  the  government  replied  that  "there  had  scarcely  been  time,  as 
yet,  to  verify  the  last  official  despatches.  However,  there  appeared 
to  be  some  grounds  to  apprehend  that  another  unforeseen  and  in- 
evitable disaster  might  possibly  have  befallen  the  British  arms.  A 
limited  number  of  British  officers  appeared,  to  some  extent,  to  have 
lost  their  lives  in  the  execution  of  their  duty.  This,  however,  was 
beyond  prevision.  They  might  have  incurred  some  risk,  and,  in- 
deed, the  result  appeared  to  confirm  that  view.  But  her  majesty's 
government  had  incurred  no  responsibility  whatever,  having  sim- 
ply accepted  parenthetical  functions  under — certainly  not  the  man- 
in -the -moon,  as  an  honorable  member  suggested,  with  a  levity 
incomprehensible,  and  most  reprehensible  —  but  under  the  legiti- 
mate and  legitimately  constituted  authorities  of  —  well,  of  the  lo- 
cality." 

Being  asked,  if  the  dead  men  were  our  flesh  and  blood,  he  replied 
that  "to  such  an  interrogation, highly  impolitic  in  the  present  con- 
dition of  difficult  and  delicate  negotiations,  seven  different  forms  of 
reply  very  naturally  and  conclusively  presented  themselves.  But 
without  further  advices  and  instructions,  and  the  necessary  period 
for  their  consideration,  it  became  his  duty  to  deprecate  further  ex- 
penditure of  public  time." 

Being  asked  whether  these  men  had  not  been  sent,  with  the 
strongest  pledges  any  words  could  give  to  back  them  up  with  a  British 
force,  and  under  most  solemn  assurance  that  every  act  of  theirs  would 
be  the  direct  act  of  the  Government  of  England,  he  replied  that  ' '  no 
less  than  fourteen  entirely  distinct  and  apparently  materially  re- 
pugnant, yet  easily  reconcilable,  constructions  might  be  placed 
upon  their  sealed  instructions.  Each  of  these  interpretations  had 
its  own  undeniable  merits  and  claim  to  unbiassed  and  leisurely 
discussion.  And  for  that  purpose  each  of  them,  as  simply  as  pos- 
sible, and  yet  essentially,  presented  itself,  with  a  convenient  quadri- 
furcation.  As  soon  as  negotiations  were  concluded — by  which  he 
did  not  mean,  'as  soon  as  all  our  men  were  killed;' though  the 
honorable  member  was  welcome  to  his  croak — he  would  gladly  un- 
dertake to  appoint  a  day  for  the  discussion  of  those  fifty-six  issues. 


TOMMY  UPMORE.  247 

Meanwhile.he  refused  to  be  badgered."    Wherewith  down  he  sat,  as 
no  other  man  can. 

His  candor,  good-temper,  and  unusual  lucidity  were  rewarded 

with  an  outburst  of  natural  applause;  while  the  member  for , 

whose  brother  had  been  killed,  arose  as  if  to  speak,  but  could  not 
doit. 

But  not  quite  so  easily  did  the  great  man  get  off.  Without  con- 
descending to  consult  mephitic  oracles,  Lord  Grando  Crushbill  arose, 
and  spoke  well  upon  the  main  question  before  us.  He  met  the  vile 
bill  with  no  weak  amendment,  no  confession  and  avoidance,  but  the 
downright  "damn,"  which  every  foreigner  knows  well  to  be  the 
word  whereby  we  live.  No  precedent  could  be  discovered  for  this 
brief  form  of  suggesting  rejection,  and  the  speaker  pronounced  that 
it  was  not  in  accordance  with  strict  parliamentary  usage  for  the 
noble  member  to  move  "Damn  the  bill;"  or,  at  least,  for  the  motion 
to  be  entered. 

That  speech  of  Lord  Grando — a  genuine  Philippic— is  well  known 
to  every  true  Briton ;  and  as  no  other  man  will  ever  read  this  book, 
unless  it  be  a  stout  American,  it  is  needless  for  me  to  cite  it  here.  But 
while  he  went  on  there  was  gnashing  of  teeth,  and  signs  of  pale 
liver  disease  among  the  folk,  who  have  learned  from  Egypt  nothing 
but  Egyptian  courage,  and  from  Africa  in  general  the  ostrich  trick. 
After  that,  it  sounded  very  mild  to  move  that  the  bill  be  read  this 
day  six  months! 

To  second  this  motion,  Chumps  arose,  as  had  been  arranged  be- 
forehand. And  Bill  spoke  uncommonly  well,  so  far  as  I  am  a  judge 
of  such  matters.  He  went  at  it  as  if  he  was  splitting  down  a  sheep 
for  a  good  customer  come  for  kidneys— his  father  was  the  first  man 
in  London,  I  believe,  who  put  kidneys  up  to  two-pence  half-penny, 
and  four-pence  is  the  price  in  that  same  shop  now,  and  my  mother 
stopped  her  ears  when  they  asked  her  such  a  figure,  and  did  the 
same  thing  when  she  told  me  of  it;  however,  there  was  no  mistake 
about  Bill's  meaning.  He  had  not  left  Oxford  long  enough,  as  yet, 
to  forget  all  the  very  plain  directions  of  Aristotle,  Cicero,  and  Hor- 
ace; and  whatever  was  in  him  he  showed  us  very  honestly,  with 
meat-saw,  and  chopper,  and  no  hems  of  flank  tucked  under.  If  any 
objection  could  be  made,  it  was  this — that  he  followed  his  father  in 
the  way  of  good  weight ;  perhaps  a  little  more  substance  thau  we 
wanted  for  our  money;  as  a  marrowbone  swindles  us,  by  being  solid. 

Things  happen  oddly  in  this  odd  world ;  and,  a  few  years  ago,  could 
anybody  have  imagined  that  the  brush  of  Joe  Cowl,  the  chimney 
sweep,  would  ever  come  out  at  the  top  of  the  pot  of  the  English  con- 
stitution?   And  not  only  so,  but  that  you  would  find  it  there,  bran- 


248  TOMMY  UPMORE. 

dished  against,  and  quite  covering  with  smuts,  the  new,  bright  steel 
cleaver  from  the  shop  of  Mr.  Chumps!  Time  works  wonders;  and 
perhaps  you  will  exclaim  that  the  greatest  wonder  of  all  was  the 
fact  that  the  son  of  "  Bubbly  Upmore  "  the  boiler — however,  let  that 
stop  till  we  come  to  it. 

Joe  had  a  very  large  command  of  words,  irregular,  perhaps,  and 
undisciplined,  and  more  than  once  we  had  to  call  out,  "Order!" 
At  first,  from  professional  habit,  he  stopped,  and  pulled  out  his  book, 
as  if  to  enter  "  Kitchen  chimney,  at  five  o'clock;"  which  made  Bill 
and  me,  who  understood  this  motion,  look  at  one  another,  and  laugh 
heartily.  Moreover,  he  had  a  large  command  of  voice;  as  behooved 
a  man  who  had  beaten  all  the  rest  on  his  walk  with  the  shrill  cry 
of,  "  Se-veep!"  I  whispered  to  the  honorable  member  on  our  side 
who  had  done  the  hen  so  beautifully;  and  he  (being  gifted  with  ven- 
triloquism), in  the  middle  of  one  of  Joe's  grandest  passages,  upset 
the  whole  effect  by  producing  the  loud  call  of  the  trade,  in  its  long- 
est, melancholy  "  Se-veep!"  so  that  Joe  jumped  round,  and  stared, 
as  if  a  rival  bag  and  brush  were  after  him.  This  was  not  fair  play, 
perhaps,  but  Cowl  deserved  it;  for  the  whole  of  his  eloquence  was 
nothing  but  abuse.  He  blackened  all  the  people  on  whose  shillings 
he  had  lived,  and  besmutted  everybody  with  a  slate  above  his  head. 
In  short,  there  was  no  man  or  woman  in  existence,  with  any  right 
to  be  so,  except  Joseph  Cowl. 

We  wanted  Sir  Roland  to  deliver  his  speech  next;  but  he  said, 
perhaps  too  loudly,  "I  never  follow  sweeps;"  and  presently  the 
House  was  listening  to  a  gentleman  who  is  always  heard  with  pleas- 
ure for  his  brave,  manly  sentiments,  impartiality,  and  scorn  of  all 
pretences.  He  demolished  the  bill  in  most  admirable  style,  putting 
all  the  arguments  against  it  better  than  our  side  had  put  them;  and 
then, to  my  surprise,  declared,  that  in  spite  of  all  that,  he  had  made 
up  his  mind  to  vote  for  it. 

This  brought  up  Sir  Roland,  and  his  speech  was  very  fine.  Strong 
indignation  made  strong  words;  as  the  wrath  of  the  billow  creates 
its  roar.  "  For  finicking  argument  what  care  I?  Can  a  man  split 
straws  with  a  dagger  at  his  throat?  Eternal  shame  falls  upon  our 
land,  that  any  man  in  it  should  have  dreamed  of  such  an  act.  The 
man  who  proposed  such  an  outrage  must  have  done  it  as  a  lesson 
towards  the  stabbing  of  his  own  brother."  For  this  he  was  loudly 
called  to  "order;"  but  disdained  the  call,  and  went  on,  reckless. 
"  Where  can  I  find  words  strong  enough?  The  difficulty  is,  not  to 
fashion,  but  to  find  them.  Language  has  never  been  made  for  such 
cases ;  for  what  tongue  could  have  told  that  such  a  case  would  ever 
be?  Yet,  perhaps,  it  was  as  well  that  there  should  be  this  defect; 


TOMMY  UPMORE.  249 

for  what  language  could  move  lunatics?"  Here  there  was  a  great 
row;  but  Sir  Roland's  voice  was  strong.  "  The  word  I  have  used 
may  not  be  of  high  courtesy,  but  it  is  of  deepest  charity.  I  can 
look  across  this  House,  with  my  hands  hanging  down,  solely  upon 
that  supposition.  Her  majesty's  ministers  love  to  leave  us  in  the 
dark.  They  keep  us  so  still — whether  policy  demands  their  con- 
signment to  strait  waistcoats  or  to  the  stocks." 

Seldom,  perhaps,  has  any ' '  limited  number  of  human  beings  "  made 
a  greater  row — except  in  some  Liberal  massacre — than  was  now  to 
be  had,  in  all  sizes  and  samples,  among  men  whose  names  are  watch- 
words. I  saw — though  he  tried  to  do  it  quite  behind  his  hat — a 
right  honorable  member,  whose  name  is  fame,  make  a  trumpet  of 
his  hand,  and  blow  out  the  most  hideous  screech  that  ever  quelled  a 
"  railway-hooter;"  and  I  could  not  have  believed  my  eyes,  unless  my 
ears  had  been  at  the  back  of  them.  In  a  word,  there  was  no  word, 
neither  any  sense  among  us,  head  being  gone  universally,  and  body 
left  working  about,  like  a  worm  cut  in  two. 

In  the  thick  of  this  turmoil  Lord  Grando  came  up,  and  shook 
hands  with  Roly ;  who  was  now  as  quiet  as  the  stump  of  the  match 
that  has  blown  up  the  castle. 

"Something  like  a  maiden  speech  that  was,"  he  said;  "but  the 
guillotine  maiden,  I'm  afraid,  my  dear  fellow.  And  we  shall  oper- 
ate first  upon  our  own  heads.  However,  better  that  than  slow  poi- 
soning." 

At  first,  I  did  not  understand  what  he  meant;  but  seeing  that  Roly 
did,  I  asked  him  to  explain.  He  seemed  to  find  me  wonderfully 
stupid — as  I  am,  especially  when  at  all  excited,  and  by  this  time  I 
was  all  excitement — but  he  managed  to  explain  that  he  had  done 
more  harm  than  good  by  his  strong,  short  eloquence.  He  had  moved 
many  hearts,  which  had  been  covered  up  (for  reasons  of  Inland 
Revenue,  like  a  vehicle  unused),  but  he  had  not  done  it  in  the  way 
to  bring  them  out  comfortably,  and  with  himself  inside  them.  To 
do  that  properly  there  must  be  no  appearance  of  call  or  demand, 
or  anything  at  all  unpleasant — such  as  rebukes  of  conscience  are — 
but  a  gentle  opening  of  a  quiet  door  at  first;  as  if  one  came  by  acci- 
dent, to  find  something  that  belonged  to  one.  But  who  can  blame 
Roly  for  not  understanding  that?  He  had  stirred  up  right  feelinir. 
all  the  wrong  way  of  the  grain;  and  it  was  not  at  all  thankful  for 
being  stirred  up. 

After  many  more  speeches,  some  right  and  some  wrong,  and — 
which  seemed  to  be  first  thought  of — some  good,  and  some  bad;  the 
prime-minister  rose,  to  wind  up  the  debate,  at  about  ten  minutes 
past  midnight.  The  House  was  as  silent  as  a  hive  of  smoked  bees, 


250  TOMMY   UPMORE. 

with  just  one  fellow,  here  and  there,  not  quite  dead.  I  prepared 
myself  for  the  finest  treat  of  ears  and  mind,  and  perhaps  of  heart 
also — though  he  seldom  troubles  that — and  I  said  to  myself,  "No 
prejudice,  if  you  please !" 

However,  it  was  useless  to  say  that.  When  a  man,  coming  out 
of  his  front  door,  sees  another  man  hacking  down  his  pet  tree,  is  the 
sense  of  high  art  supreme  with  him?  Does  he  stop  to  admire  the 
attitude,  the  muscles,  the  skilful  swing,  the  bright  implement?  Nay, 
rather,  in  a  fine  rage,  out  he  rushes,  and  shouts,  "  What  do  you  mean 
by  this,  sir?" 

But  making  allowance  for  all  my  "paltry  wrath" — as  his  syco- 
phants call  it — I  found  it  impossible  to  catch  the  great  man's  mean- 
ing as  it  should  be  caught  —  that  is  to  say,  well  over  the  heart, 
thrown  straight  at  it,  as  a  good  fielder  throws  up,  and  not  over  one's 
head  or  between  one's  legs,  or  twisting  in  and  out,  like  a  left-handed 
bowler's  ball.  But,  for  all  that,  I  felt  that  his  voice  was  grand,  and 
his  power  enormous ;  if  he  would  have  used  it  simply,  and  after  the 
manner  of  his  favorite  author.  The  fault  perhaps  lies  in  the  multi- 
plicity of  his  mind,  which  does  not  consider  the  simplicity  of  ours. 

Perhaps  he  never  had  a  worse  cause  to  plead ;  and  in  the  bottom 
of  his  heart — which  is  sound,  I  do  believe — he  must  have  known 
that,  far  better  than  our  shallow  natures  knew  it.  When,  at  last,  he 
broke  out  of  the  dense  haze  of  argument  into  the  pure  sky  of  elo- 
quence, almost  he  persuaded  me  not  to  be  an  Englishman,  but  for 
the  thought  that  he  himself  was  one. 

"All  up  now,  Tommy!"  Sir  Roland  said  to  me,  as  the  last  tones 
of  that  silvery  voice,  like  music  for  the  dead,  hung  hovering ;  ' '  after 
that,  it  is  all  up  with  England." 

But  I  answered,  "Hold  my  belt  a  minute.  I  will  try  it,  what- 
ever comes  of  it." 

For  the  last  two  hours,  and,  indeed,  for  the  whole  of  the  evening, 
I  had  felt  throughout  my  system  that  it  was  in  a  very  extraordinary 
state.  Thumping  of  the  heart,  and  great  expansion  of  the  chest, 
tingling  of  arms  and  legs,  and  great  inhalings  of  hot,  light  air,  had 
confused  me;  and  whenever  a  draught  from  the  ventilators  (which 
are  like  a  blow  of  steam)  came  under  me,  I  seemed  to  feel  my  dress 
(which  I  had  chosen  for  its  lightness)  fill,  like  the  feathers  of  a  bird 
at  rising.  Sometimes  indignation,  sometimes  pleasure,  sometimes 
lofty  ambition  to  be  useful  to  my  country,  and  to  Laura's,  had  been 
hoisting  at  me,  like  a  balanced  lever.  "Don't  be  afraid,"  I  said; 
"  I  can't  stop  down  any  longer.  But  try  to  get  me  a  hearing." 

To  the  sudden  astonishment  of  the  crowded  House  (which  could 
scarcely  believe  its  own  eyes  at  first),  I,  Tommy  Upmore,  went  up 


TOMMY  UPMORE.  251 

gently  and  steadily,  as  a  ring  of  blue  smoke  rises  from  a  cigar, 
where  no  draught  is.  Honorable  members  were  leaving  their  seats, 
for  the  critical  division  which  should  split  up  England;  but  with 
one  accord  they  all  turned  round  and  stared.  Remembering  what 
Professor  Megalow  had  told  me,  I  used  my  hands  and  feet  so 
well,  with  my  curls  spread  out  to  catch  the  air,  that  I  steered  my 
course  as  accurately  as  I  ever  steered  a  boat  to  bump  another.  Be- 
neath me  there  seemed  to  be  breathless  amazement;  but  I  found 
myself  perfectly  calm,  and  smiled. 

Avoiding  all  peril  of  fire,  I  hovered,  with  buoyant  delight  in 
every  fibre,  and  a  tingle  of  disdain  at  the  terror  of  the  House — for 
the  greatest  men  looked  quite  small  down  there — till  I  came  to  a 
large  beam  of  the  roof;  heart  of  British  oak  it  was;  and  against  it 
I  brought  up,  with  a  perfectly  erect,  and  perhaps  dignified,  present- 
ment. 

In  this  position,  I  caught  the  speaker's  eye,  and  removing  my  hat, 
which  I  placed  upon  the  beam,  made  my  bow  to  him,  and  sought 
permission  to  address  the  House.  The  debate  being  closed,  and  the 
division-bell  ringing,  I  could  hardly  expect  to  be  allowed  to  speak. 
But  the  case  was  exceptional ;  and  more  than  that,  everybody  longed 
to  hear  what  I  had  got  to  say.  The  right  honorahle  the  speaker 
raised  his  wig,  to  be  certain  that  his  head  was  right  under  it;  and 
with  no  further  symptom  of  surprise— for  he  had  seen  a  great  many 
stranger  sights  than  this — said  slowly, 

"I  find  no  precedent  for  a  speech  from  the  roof,  by  any  honor- 
able member.  But  I  am  willing  to  be  guided  by  the  sense  of  the 
House,  in  a  case  so  unprecedented." 

Then  the  silence,  which  was  now  becoming  painful  to  me,  by 
reason  of  my  loneliness  up  there,  was  broken  with  loud  cries  of, 
•'Speak  up,  Larkmount!"  from  members  who  did  not  know  my 
name;  "Speak  up,  Tommy!"  from  the  gentlemen  who  did;  and 
"  Speak  down,  Tommy!"  from  my  private  friends,  who  were  begin- 
ning to  understand  all  about  it. 

"The  Honorable  Member  for  Larkmount  has  possession  of  the 
ifousc,"  said  Mr.  Speaker. 

"  Sir,"  I  replied,  hi  a  very  clear  voice,  at  the  same  time  unbutton- 
ing my  coat,  which  was  made  like  the  one  I  had  flown  with  at  Happy- 
stowe;  "  I  will  not  presume  upon  your  indulgence,  nor  trespass  on 
the  kindness  of  the  House  below  me,  except  with  a  very  brief  quo- 
tation, well  known  to  all  British  members,  whom  I  would  ask  to 
join  me  in  reciting  it."  ^ 

I  had  now  drawn  forth  a  little  Union  Jack  made  for  me  by  my 
darling;  and  flinging  it  open  from  its  hollow  silver  staff,  waved  it, 


252  TOMMY  UPMORE. 

in  the  strong  light,  around  my  head,  keeping  time  with  the  noble 
lines  I  sang,  in  a  voice  that  made  the  heart  of  oak  resound,  and  the 
hearts  and  lungs  of  men  rebound: 

"The  flaunting  flag  of  liberty, 
Of  Gallia's  sons  the  boast, 
Oh,  never  may  a  Briton  see, 
Upon  the  British  coast ! 

"  The  only  flag  that  freedom  rears, 

Her  emblem  on  the  seas, 
Is  the  flag  that  braved  a  thousand  years 
The  battle  and  the  breeze. 

"  But  fast  would  flow  the  nation's  tears, 

If  traitor  hands  should  seize 
The  flag  that  braved  a  thousand  years 
The  battle  and  the  breeze. 

"And  shall  we  yield  to  dastard  fears 

Our  empire  of  the  seas— 
The  flag  that  braved  a  thousand  years 
The  battle  and  the  breeze  ?" 

Every  face  was  turned  towards  me  and  every  throat  joined  in 
with  mine  and  every  arm  was  waved  (even  of  the  Irish  members) 
to  keep  time  with  my  waving  of  the  glorious  flag.    And  perhaps 
there  has  never  been  a  vaster  roar,  even  in  the  British  House  of 
Commons,  than  when  I  came  down,  with  my  flag  flying  bravely 
bowed  deeply  to  the  speaker,  for  his  good  grace,  and  took  Sir  Ro- 
land's arm,  to  go  with  him  to  the  lobby;  for  my  head  was  giddy 
with  excitement  and  timidity. 

"Keep  up  your  pluck,  Tommy,"  whispered  Sir  Roland-  "you 
have  done  it  this  time,  I  believe,  my  boy.  By  Jove,  how  splendidly 
you  sang!  You  have  saved  the  country,  and  won  Laura." 


CHAPTER  XLIV. 

THE    ENGLISH   LION. 

PEOPLE  who  care  for  nothing  are  capable  of  saying  almost  any- 
thing; but  even  of  these  there  are  not  many  who  would  call  the 
British  House  of  Commons  a  sentimental  body.  But  any  body,  be- 
ing at  all  a  body,  must  now  and  then  feel  its  flesh  rebel  at 'the 
ghostly  proceedings  of  its  cockloft  tenant.  Pure  reason  (like  the 
doctrine  of  free  trade)  is  a  very  fine  existence,  if  it  would  only  work. 
But,  alas,  like  the  other,  it  finds  practical  issue  mainly  in  keeping 
people  out  of  work. 


TOMMY  UPMORE.  253 

The  deep  love  of  our  birth,  which  arises  with  our  life,  rose  anew 
in  the  heart  of  every  Englishman,  and  forced  him  to  scorn  petty 
faction,  and  vote  as  his  father  and  mother  would  have  made  him. 
The  infamous  and  traitorous  plot  (which  would  have  ended,  in  the 
ancient  days,  at  Tower  Hill)  ended  in  a  very  hot  majority  of  more 
than  fifty,  against  the  government.  As  a  last  faint  hope  they  ap- 
pealed to  the  country,  which  had  long  borne  patiently  its  sickness 
of  them. 

Pending  my  second  return  for  Larkmount  (which  took  to  itself 
all  the  glory  of  my  deed,  and  pelted  every  Radical  who  dared  to 
show  his  nose  near  the  bottom  of  the  hill  it  stood  upon),  I  ventured 
to  pay  a  little  visit  to  the  Towers;  though  perhaps  I  should  have 
waited  till  the  issue  was  secure.  But  I  make  bold  to  say,  from  my 
own  experience,  that  no  one  who  has  been  through  all  the  ins  and 
outs  of  love,  as  I  have  been  obliged  to  do,  can  stop  without  hurry- 
ing to  the  end  of  them,  whether  good  or  bad.  And,  in  the  sad  hu- 
mility which  true  love  feels,  I  was  even  scared  by  fancies  that  my 
darling  might  dislike  the  unusual  course  I  had  adopted  for  her 
sake.  It  was  pretty  sure  to  cause  some  curiosity  about  her,  and 
perhaps  even  nasty  scientific  questions,  such  as  seem  to  have  no 
reverence  for  the  sanctity  of  home.  Few  names  were  more  con- 
spicuous than  mine,  just  now,  as  perhaps  was  only  natural;  and  I 
could  not  resent  it.  In  a  very  short  time  that  would  be  wiped  out; 
for  fame  is  no  better  than  a  school-boy's  slate;  and  the  surest  way 
to  expunge  it  is  to  try  to  write  it  deeper.  My  little  notoriety  soon 
became  a  nuisance  to  me;  all  I  cared  for  was  that  those  I  loved 
should  love  me  for  my  own  sake ;  and  any  public  reputation  seems 
to  interfere  with  that. 

Therefore,  I  have  never  felt  more  humble  in  my  life  than  when  I 
sat  by  Laura's  side,  one  lovely  April  day,  beneath  the  famous  oak- 
tree,  which  her  mother  was  fond  of  sketching.  The  only  leaves 
upon  the  tree  were  a  few  that  had  stood  the  winter;  and  the  young 
buds  were  not  ready  yet  to  push  their  faded  history  by. 

I  had  always  been  handy  with  my  knife,  from  the  time  I  cut 
bread  and  bacon  with  it;  and  now  I  carved  upon  the  bench  "T. 
U.,"  while  she  looked  on,  and  encouraged  me. 

Then  I  said,  "  Let  me  put  something  much  better  now.  Over  it  I 
shall  cut  '  L.  T.  T.'  And  when  you  come  here,  after  I  am  gone,  you 
will  be  compelled  to  think  of  me." 

"How  strange  you  are,  Tommy  1"  she  said,  as  I  sharpened  my 
knife  on  my  boot,  for  my  feet  are  as  fine  as  a  lady's.  "  Any  one 
who  did  not  know  you  well  would  think  that  your  fame  had  been 
too  much  for  you.  You  are  not  half  so  simple  as  you  used  to  be. 


254  TOMMY  UPMORE. 

I  suppose  you  expect  to  be  prime-minister,  when  the  Conservatives 
come  in." 

I  took  no  notice  of  this,  because  I  wanted  her  to  go  on  with  it. 
So  I  carved  a  very  excellent  "L.  T.,"  while  she  kept  on  looking  at 
the  cows  and  sheep. 

"Dear  me!"  she  cried,  pulling  out  her  watch  from  a  place  which 
was  a  very  great  favorite  with  my  arm;  "I  had  no  idea  it  was  so 
late.  I  must  leave  you  to  finish  your  sculpture,  I  am  afraid.  Good- 
bye, Tommy,  for  a  long  time  now." 

"  What  must  be,  must,"  I  replied  with  great  firmness.  And  then 
up  I  jumped,  with  my  knife  in  my  hand,  because  she  was  making  off 
so  fast.  ' '  Don't  be  in  such  a  dreadful  hurry,  Laura.  Why,  you  are 
crying,  dear!" 

"Am  I,  indeed?  And  even  if  I  were,  it  need  not  disturb  the  con- 
dition of  your  mind.  All  you  care  about  now  is  politics,  like  Holy. 
How  I  do  despise  all  politics!" 

"And  so  do  I;  except  for  one  little  thing,"  I  answered;  "  and  you 
know  well  what  that  little  thing  is." 

"Yes,  a  very  little  thing  indeed,"  she  replied,  taking  good  care  not 
to  look  at  me;  "  the  smallest  thing  in  all  the  world,  no  doubt." 

"Do  try  to  have  some  particle  of  reason,"  I  exclaimed. 

"  I  am  all  pure  reason  itself,"  she  replied. 

"You  are  all  pure  beauty  and  warm  heart,"  I  answered;  "and 
what  is  the  good  of  saying  that  you  don't  care  about  me?" 

"Did  I  say  that?  I  don't  believe  I  ever  did.  I  was  only  trying 
to  think  it,  when  you  behaved  so  badly.  But  if  I  said  that,  it  was  a 
great  story,  Tommy." 

"  You  know  what  the  penalty  for  a  story  is,"  I  answered.  And 
her  eyes  shone  with  sunny  tears  while  she  paid  it. 

"Darling  sweet,"!  said,  for  I  never  touched  her  without  being 
carried  quite  beyond  myself;  "  all  I  was  waiting  for  was  to  know 
what  last  letter  I  might  put  here.  I  want  to  put  a  '  U;'  I  so  long  to 
put  a  'U;'  the  one  you  in  the  world  that  just  suits  me  to  a  T, 
'  Laura  Towers  Upmore .'  I  won't  do  it,  without  your  full  permission. " 

"  Well,  dear, "she  replied,  after  some  consideration,  "  Roly  has 
given  his  full  consent  now ;  and  my  dear  mother  loves  you  like  her 
own  son.  And  I — well,  nevermind  about  me;  I  am  nobody.  Only 
I  feel  that  your  time  should  not  be  wasted,  with  all  the  great  things 
that  you  will  have  to  do,  after  saving  the  country,  to  begin  with. 
So  perhaps  it  would  be  wiser,  dear,  to  put  me  down  with  'U.'" 

Now  what  do  you  suppose  that  I  did  next?  Embraced  her,  kissed 
her,  shed  tears  with  her?  As  young  people  do,  when  they  agree  to 
get  married,  to  practise  for  the  time  to  come.  Nay,  such  things  are 


TOMMY  UPMORE.  255 

not  to  be  talked  about ;  or  why  were  trees  made,  and  benches,  and 
moss  (the  very  essence  and  symbol  of  silence,  all  the  year),  and 
houses  far  off,  to  show  what  is  to  come,  yet  not  blink  a  window  be- 
yond their  own  doors? 

The  real  thing  that  I  did— which  will  stir  every  female  heart  ten- 
fold more  than  chastest  salutations — was  done  with  a  thumb  and  fin- 
ger pushed,  on  each  side  simultaneously,  to  the  bottom  of  my  double- 
breasted-waistcoat  pockets. 

"  Look  at  these,  Laura,  while  I  put  our  names  into  a  true  lover's 
knot,"  I  said,  just  as  if  it  was  a  pair  of  blue  kidney-beans  I  was 
showing.  "  They  are  come  to  be  eclipsed,  my  darling,  by  the  brill- 
iance of  your  eyes." 

"Why,  they  are  amethysts!  But  I  never  saw  such  amethysts. 
They  seem  to  have  such  a  lot  of  light  inside  them!" 

"  So  they  have,  Laura.  But  what  a  cold  light,  darling,  compared 
with  what  comes  from  your  heart  into  mine!" 

There  is  nothing  that  cannot  be  denied;  except  that  the  present 
condition  of  things  is  a  great  deal  better  than  the  past.  The  hum- 
bug of  "free  trade"  is  dead  at  last.  The  blessing  of  "paternal 
government "  (delivered  over  the  wrong  dish  of  broth)  is  gone  back, 
like  a  curse,  to  roost  at  home.  An  Englishman  now  may  eat  his 
breakfast,  without  gulping  down  more  lies  than  tea;  and  may  smile 
at  his  children,  without  a  smothered  sigh,  at  prolonging  a  race  of 
dastards.  In  a  word,  we  have  once  more  a  government  that  knows 
its  own  mind,  and  has  a  mind  to  know.  Whether  it  be  Radical  or 
Tory  matters  little  to  the  average  Englishman,  so  long  as  it  acts 
with  courage,  candor,  common-sense,  and  consistency.  But  if  its 
policy  be  anarchy,  quibbling,  robbery,  cowardice,  and  treason — then 
we  cast  it  out  (like  a  leper  and  a  leopard,  mingling  sores  and  spots 
and  crawl)  and,  to  save  our  home,  recall  that  true  supporter  of  our 
shield  and  sword,  noble  once,  and  not  yet  ignoble,  the  sturdy  old  lion 
of  England. 


TIIE  END. 


SOME  POPULAR  NOVELS 

Published  by  EAEPEE  &  BEOTHEES  New  York. 


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Christowell 4to,  Paper  20 

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lU'LWKH'S  The  Pilgrims  of  the  Rhine > 

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Xanoni  85 

BKADDON'S  (Mi-s)  An  Open  Verdict 35 

.  A  Strange  World 40 

Asphodel ....4to,  Paper  15 

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Barbara;  or,Splendid  Misery 4to,  Paper  15 

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Lost  for  Love.     Illustrated 60 

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Phantom  Fortune 4to,  Paper  20 

Publicans  and  Sinners 60 

Strangers  and  Pilgrims.     Illustrated 60 

Taken  at  the  Flood 60 

The  Cloven  Foot 4u>,  Paper  15 

The  Levels  of  Arden.      Illustrated 60 

To  the  Bitter  End.     Illustrated 50 

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Mildred 

Anne  Warwick 

Fortune's  Marriage It",  P.i;  «P  -  > 


Harper  &  Brothers'  Popular  Novels. 


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lanies.— No  Name. — Poor  Miss  Finch. — The  Dead  Secret. 
—The  Law  and  the  Lady. — The  Moonstone. — The  New 
Magdalen. — The  Queen  of  Ilearts. — The  Two  Destinies. 
— The  Woman  in  White. 
DICKENS'S  NOVELS.  Illustrated. 


50    Nicholas  Nickleby 1  00 

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1  50                                          Cloth  1  50 

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1  -50                                          Cloth  1  50 

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Great  Expectations 

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mice 

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For  Love  and  Life 50 

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•Harper  d'  Brothers'  Popular  Novels.  0 


PAYN'S  (James)  For  Cash  Only  ..........................  4to,  Papers  IM 

Found  Dead  ...................  ".  ........................................  25 

From  Exile  ................................................  4  to,  Paper  15 

Gwendoline's  Harvest  ................................................  25 

Halves  ..................................................................  30 

High  Spirits  ...............................................  4to,  Paper  15 

Kit.     Illustrated  .........................................  4to,  Paper  20 

Less  Black  than  We're  Painted  ...................................  35 

Murphy's  Master  ......................................................  20 

One  of  the  Family  ...................................................  25 

The  Best  of  Husbands  ..............................................  25 

The  Canon's  Ward  ....................  Illustrated.     4  to,  Paper  25 

Thicker  than  Water  .........  IGmo,  Cloth,  $1  00;  -I  to,  Paper  20 

Under  One  Roof  ..........................................  I  to,  Paper  15 

Walter's  Word  ........................................................  50 

What  He  Cost  Her  ...................................................  40 

Won—  Xot  Wooed  ....................................................  35 

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A  Simpleton  and  the  Wander- 
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A  \Voman-IIater. 
Foul  Play. 

:  Stories. 
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Love  me  Little,  Love  me  Long. 
Peg  Woflington,  Christie  John- 
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Put  Yourselfm  His  Plaee.      Illustrated 85 

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10  Harper  &  Brothers?  Popular  Novels. 

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12  Harper  <&  Brothers'  Popular  Novels. 

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YB     4214 


